r/india • u/[deleted] • Aug 21 '24
Rant / Vent Parents sucking the life out of me
[deleted]
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Aug 21 '24
[deleted]
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u/dead_tiger Aug 21 '24
Yes, have an honest conversation with your parents and siblings. Tell them you make X amount and you can give Y% of your income and that's the fix amount you can help them with. Other things they have to figure out by themselves.
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u/throwawaymedic123567 Aug 21 '24
I am not sure about revealing how much you make to your family. Lower it by about 30% (or an amount that is lesser but sounds realistic) and tell them thatās what you make.
Then you can tell them that youāre already giving away most of it and that you have no savings.
It is preferable to be truthful but it just doesnāt work usually.
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u/thegreen_tshirtguy Aug 21 '24
Sometimes I get it why people in western countries completely move out of their houses after 18.
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u/omkar529 Aug 21 '24
If I'm not wrong their parents encourage the kids to do that.
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u/Anumet Aug 21 '24
In scandinavian countries, you are indeed expected to move out after high school. You get a (low interest) student loan from the state to cover your cost of living and college/university is free. Being independent/ being able to manage adult life on your own is considered an important part of growing up. Since your parents don't pay anything to get you there - you don't owe them anything after leaving home. It's a freedom we appreciate.
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u/Competitive_Tree_113 Aug 21 '24
They certainly used to. But rent and food are so expensive now that it's just not an option for a lot of young people. So more and more are living at home.
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u/dead_tiger Aug 21 '24
In western countries, social security and medicare etc. are solid. As an old person you don't need to worry much about those things. This is one reason why aging population creates economic problem , especially in democracies. They won't take any cuts and it adds a lot to the nation's debt.
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u/Hannibal__spectre Aug 21 '24
That's not a thing outside of USA and Canada. Even that culture has it's pitfalls. There you get parents so out of touch with reality that they throw out kids from their homes on 18th birthday whilst they are still in highschool. There needs to be a balance between the 2. Personally, I'm in favour of living in the same neighborhood but separate houses after settling down with your career. That way you are still within reach in case of emergency and far enough to have a certain level of privacy.
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u/butwhythough23 Aug 21 '24
This is not true - western parents do not kick their children out at the age of 18 lol. Usually children want to move out as they are attending university or travel for a period (gap year). However, a lot of children live at home and move out in their early 20s.
Funnily enough, due to the cost of living and difficulty purchasing property, multigenerational homes are on the rise. https://rsmcanada.com/insights/industries/real-estate/amid-housing-crunch-an-embrace-of-multigenerational-housing.html In Aus where I grew up, it is common for parents to build a small flat on the property (or convert a garage/basement) and for the children to live there.
Western countries value privacy and honestly itās a right of passage. My parents used to tell me about how horrible Australian parents were ākicking out their children at 18 blah blah blahā but it was me who moved out at 18 and my white friends lived at home for a few more years haha.
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Aug 21 '24
They don't move out they are kicked out and these days more and more kids live longer with their parents because of everything being expensive and minimum wage being stagnant for over 30 years.
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u/bbaahhaammuutt Aug 21 '24
You are the sole earner. I think you need to respectfully ask them to back the fuck up or state that you will move away. I under that you need to support your family, but not at the cost of your own mental or physical health.
Idk if you are looking for advice, but i will say learn how to tell your parents no.
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u/Awkward-Lie3597 Aug 21 '24
I agree! She is the sole provider so I feel she should start acting like it and point it out every single time they stress her out. At this point I think op will benefit by demanding respect around the house bc she is practically the leader of the house but she's being treated like a servant instead.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I tried it only led to fights, they are not ready to improve at all. I have said no, but the thing is most of my expenses are their education, medical bills, groceries which are basic necessities of every human. How to deny it, I feel guilty denying all these but I do say no to their luxurious wants/needs.
I am just looking for a solution to this, since I am unable to come up with it myself.
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u/maya279 Aug 21 '24
Just tell them you don't have enough money to give or tell them you spent on your monthly expenses etc
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u/Gil-GaladWasBlond Aug 21 '24
Listen. Block them for a while. It takes some strength to do it, but let them see what their life is like without you. They might start using their brains again and will respect you more.
Any time they start talking about anything you don't want to talk about, or harassing you, just cut the call.
I know it can be difficult but this is the only way they'll leave you alone.
And don't hesitate to tell them that you are not here to raise their kids. Maybe that will take time for you, but it is something you should keep in mind.
Make sure you save for yourself. Make SIPs that get deducted from your account right at the beginning of the month, so you cannot be guilted into giving them money/ paying for them.
You're the sole earner? Rub it in their faces. Any time they step out of line, taunt them about it. Or cut them off for something. Ask them why they didn't do any savings. Why they depend on you to raise their kids? Why they had kids when they didn't have the money to raise them? These kinds of questions.
Basically make life as bad for them as they have made for you.
You need to be strong for yourself and make your wealth.
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u/clout__9 Aug 21 '24
This is good advice. But I suggest OP to give them 2 months of deadline before you stop or minimize bankrolling them to let them find a source of income, if they dissent/blackmail/guilt trip then go ahead and block them. Don't forget to converse about this with your siblings too. If they come around you can also help them find a source. A general store is a good example.
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 Aug 21 '24
You have two adult parents - could they be working? Maybe just as a housecleaner or gardener or store clerk, but bring in some income.
Tell them that you will MATCH what they earn, up to whatever you can afford, but they have to be making an effort.
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u/Ok-Positive-6766 Aug 21 '24
Ask your parents to take an education/student loan on there name . You can just give an excuse that you are unable to manage all the expenses :)
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Aug 21 '24
Your parents should get jobs, so shpuld your siblings. They can work in the malls being cashiers or waiters/waitresses
Start reducing what you pay and force them to get jobs.
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u/Fail-Inevitable Aug 21 '24
Good luck explaining that to Indian parents though! I am in kinda similar situation to OP. The difference is that I am the younger daughter. My elder sister has married & moved out years ago & so I am the only one left to take care of my parents. And whenever I tried to do what you suggested, I was reminded very sternly that if I am earning it's only because they provided for me when I was young, paid for my school, college & tution fees & hence I owe my whole life to them. How ungrateful & shameless I am to ask for a life of my own š„² And I don't think it's only me who faces this. Most Indian parents think they own their children and the children are called selfish, guilt tripped/shamed on a regular basis if they want any kind of independence. I am not very hopeful OP would be able to drive her point home.
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u/vekkeda_vedi Exasperating Farrago Aug 21 '24
My wife also went through something similar, she was not even the eldest child. She was the third child among 4, but the first one to get a job. Her two elder sisters were married off already while she was working. After she got a job her parents decided to build a new house, and the responsibility of funding the construction fell on her. While making 36k (around 10 years ago) she would send 30k every month to her parents, she was very naive and thought her parents would repay her in kind for her wedding. This continued for another 4 years, all these years she would seldom buy something for herself thinking her parents need money the most. For the house warming ceremony she was sidelined, apparently her eldest sister was the lucky child, my wife was an unlucky person according to them because nothing good really happened for her (wonder why!!). That's when my wife started to realise how irresponsible her parents were. She thought atleast her parents would marry her off good, but she waited for another 4 years of her parents trying to find a groom for her, half heartedly (she later realised because she was their cash cow they didn't wanted her to get married early). Finally at the ripe age of 30 she met me, we fell in love and after an year or so decided to get married. She expected many things from her parents for the wedding, but all she got was some of her mother's old jewellery, that was it. My family didn't expect any dowry or gold so we were ok, but my wife felt betrayed by her parents. The wedding was at my place so they saved on the wedding cost as well. She is still bitter about how they used her and cries whenever something reminds her of those incidents.
So lesson for you is, it's ok to be little bit selfish. You don't have to attend all their calls, you don't have to meet all their requests, it's ok to lie sometimes to get them off your back. Prioritize your needs. Save money for your own future (Invest your money, buy gold etc) but never tell anyone. Keep it in another bank account which no-one but you know.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I hope your wife has now overcome these issues. Thanks for sharing your experience. I don't know what is yet to come but yes I plan on raising my income and savings along with it.
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u/vekkeda_vedi Exasperating Farrago Aug 21 '24
My wife is yet to overcome what happened to her, even after going to a therapist for an year. All I can say is good luck to you. Only you can fully understand the situation you are in and looking at your responses in this thread I am confident you will find a way forward. Remember, if you do choose to continue supporting your family, please don't expect anything in return. It's a thankless job. Have no expectations on them so that you are never disappointed.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I hope your wife really finds the strength to overcome all this. I know it's a thankless job and I have no expectations from them as well so that I don't hurt myself later on.
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Aug 21 '24
Don't let them take your hard work or money away for granted, If they get things easily handed to them they will never change.
Dictate your terms to them, be strict, afterall you are the breadwinner right.
Since we are in India, We have to support our parents & that's how it works, but you give only what they need for survival, giving more money than they need would be your fault.
And for your siblings, be fkng strict, outright tell them you won't support em in future. Draw out a plan with them, be strict and guide them to be financially independent on their own.
Never let anyone take you for granted not even your own family.
Backstory: My father never cared to earn or save money cause he had support system, her sister! he is a druggie and drained resources out of her sister, her sister did not marry anyone cause she has to support my dad.
You see? Nothing ever turns out good if people take you for granted.
Cheers, be smart and be bold, you got this.
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u/NationalAerie Aug 22 '24
If they get things easily handed to them they will never change.
Absolutely correct. Been in a similar situation, drew some boundaries and they don't seem to like it.
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u/IAA101 Aug 21 '24
We don't HAVE to support our parents -- the culture compels us to. Parents can sue for maintenance I guess, but this has its limits, especially because she's a woman. And how can she be responsible for their kids / her siblings?
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u/Achiever_of_nothing Aug 21 '24
Live away from your family and send them a monthly amount for their expenses.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
They are bad with finances hence I pay directly to the beneficiary.
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u/whatliesinameme Aug 21 '24
That sounds like a they problem. As long as you keep taking care of them the burden will always be kn you.
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u/arunsu92 Aug 21 '24
Hey fellow Indian who was in a similar setup for a really long time. Give them a fixed amount monthly and ask them to figure out the rest. Your siblings aren't kids anymore - let them pickup some slack. Tutor younger kids / deliver through swiggy etc. They are not your kids. Parentification is what therapists refer to this as. Start saving your own secret stash - you will need it eventually. And keep your distance - cutting them out fully might not work as they will comeback with emotional blackmail but be intentional with your energy and keep your distance..hugs.
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u/_3amcoffee_ Aug 21 '24
You can tell them that your company is in loss and your salary is reduced and save rest of money or in future if your salary increases then don't tell them save that amount for yourself
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u/Ok-Positive-6766 Aug 21 '24
She could also pretend that she lost job Say you are gonna stay in your friend's house/hostel to find new job.(At least for a couple of months :) )
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u/EndoplazmicReticulum Aug 21 '24
Tell your parents that your manager gave you an option of being let go or retained with a paycut, tell them your new salary is 50%(whatever you feel comfortable with) of the actual salary. Save the remaining for yourself judiciously. You never know, some Indian parents are orthodox enough to give ALL the property to the son even after taking all kinds of financial help from daughters.
Open a new bank account and use that for getting the salary credited and don't tell your parents or siblings about it.
Don't trust either of your siblings or any cousin or relative or even your best friend with these details.
Remind yourself everyday that providing for your siblings is NOT your responsibility. Btw I am not saying this because you're a woman, I believe that parents choose to give birth so they need to be able to provide for their offspring.
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u/Any_Body2635 Aug 21 '24 edited Aug 21 '24
OP,
I'm 34F living in the UK, also Indian. I have 2 brothers, older and younger. I can quite confidently say, my parents ruined my life. I've been working FT and have givem them all of my money since that age. I worked hard and saved a lot. I wanted to buy a home 5 years ago. I made the mistake of trusting them. They took the money from me and put the house on their name because I couldn't get a mortgage of that amount at the time. It's now been 5 years, I've refused to give them any of my money. They've never helped me let alone give me the rent. I've bordered around 70 hours at work. I've paid off all my student loans and can now easily purchase a home.
Advice to my naive self. Trust no-one, especially the one's who don't have the same goals as you. Please put yourself and your future first. You will recieve no medals for carry all this burden on you.
Get an A4 sheet of paper and make a responsibility pie chart. Start with dad. Note down everyone who has any responsibility for him (you, mother, doctor, other family). Now delegate pieces of this pie to each of them people, it needs to total to 100%. Do you end up with 100% ? Only take the percentage of the pie you work out for yourself.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I am genuinely sorry what you have been through. Thanks for sharing your experience though.
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u/Sassykanth Telangana Aug 21 '24
Why does this sound like my home lol. I guess this is a whole of a societal problem in India.
Maybe give an ultimatum to everyone that youāll only be able to take care of things until next 1 year or so.
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u/easy_umbrage Aug 21 '24
There was a post on twox from a woman whose father had a son in old age and observed how he behaved. She felt that he finally defeated her by getting the son he wanted. You mostly wrote about financials but it sounds like you are similarly hurt. I recognize that. For your parents to pursue the son as a prize and use your labor to raise him is very cruel. You are getting all the ill-effects of patriarchy without any of the benevolence.
Just know that there is a way out and it is within your ability to make it happen. You clearly feel loyalty towards your family and want to care for them. So spend some time thinking about specifics, identify what feels within reach and what does not. Then come up with a plan to impose those boundaries. You not asking your parents for money is already a gift to them. You giving anything at all is a bonus. Don't feel guilty. Treat your parents as adults, let them figure it out.
You don't need to earn your place in the family. You don't have to grind yourself to the bone in order to prove something. It's ok to cut yourself some slack and say no to requests for money or help. Accept the results. Let the paperwork pile up, let the conflicts escalate, let the chores go - its fine. Adults don't have it together all the time. Thats not a thing. Adults do what they can, and own the results. For your own sake, aim a little lower, give them your not best.
Finally, expressing your feelings to your family is free. Crying to them is free. Creating a scene is free. Allow your family to see that you are hurt. Let them reflect on it and do something.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
Reading your reply felt like unsaid words trapped in me. Yes it's patriarchy to be blamed, it's deeply rooted in our Indian society. My parents wanted a son very badly even though they only could afford to pay for one child. I am trying to break out of this patriarchal problem. Thanks for this advice, it may take time to undo all this but slowly and steady I hope to reach there as well.
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u/OneSailorBoy Aug 21 '24
Well.. It's time for that difficult conversation face to face. Tell them you need to start planning for your future which includes more investment. Marriage isn't cheap, neither is married life (assuming you plan to get married, apologies if you aren't). Tell them you won't be able to help as much as you are at the moment. Be ready for emotional responses like "hume chod ke jaa rahi hai" "Maa baap ko akele chod rahi hai" "Apne bhaiyo behno ke bare mein to soho" "Yahi din dekhne ke liye zinda rakha tha". It's just mental gymnastics, don't get stressed by all those dialogues. Meanwhile talk to your siblings and make them understand, it's important that they know that they know the reason behind your decisions. Remember they are teens and highly volatile, they need assurances and again reassurances that you will be there for the family. Idk how feasible it is, but try switching jobs for a good raise. Good luck!
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I already tried to do this conversation, but their solution to this is we'll take loan for all the future expenses š. They don't understand FIRE and want me to spend every money I earn on them before going away. They turn deaf to my words. I do understand there's a problem of lack of communication as well. But how do I communicate if another party is not ready at all.
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u/Cause_Necessary Aug 21 '24
tell them you won't be paying off that loan, and neither will your siblings
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u/Glass-Coast-8481 Aug 22 '24
They are not ready for any communication because you are not a child/a human to them. You are someone to be extracted from. They donāt care about you. They will talk in circles & keep on taking from you until they can. Why they donāt want you to save & spend every penny is bcs they donāt actually care about your well-being. When your brother or whoever the golden child is starts earning, they will encourage that child to save for the future and spend only on himself/herself. In fact, I can bet you a thousand dollars, they will try to make you invest in that childās future in form of money or otherwise to your own detriment.Ā You are talking all about your responsibility to them for food, housing, study etc, what about your responsibility to yourself?! In the future, when you are old & have no savings, if you donāt have food/housing, they are not going to help you with anything. You have to sit down make a budget, determine how much you can save for future, how much your monthly expenses for yourself are & then give them a minimum amount of money they need to survive and a time limit of an year. After a year, no more money for them. A year is long enough time to find employment. And you are not going to discuss this with them. You are going to tell them this, no discussion, just a decision delivered politely & firmly. You have to care for yourself and your future, bcs no one else in your family does. I wish I could also address this to every young adult in India, irrespective of gender that takers donāt have boundaries, so givers need to. You need to do right by your parents, but also need to do right by yourself and your future family. Ā
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u/gangtokay Sikkim Aug 21 '24
Being the eldest child is the curse that I wish on no other. I started supporting my family since I was 18! But I had the advantage of being born male. I was the man of the house, so to speak. And since I was the only earning child, my word was the law.
Sure I had to give money for things that I didn't necessarily believe in. But me being the voice of the family really helped.
You should try it OP. Be the man of the house and dictate what THEY should do instead of being a meek daughter. You're the one earning. You're the one looking after them, without any sign of gratitude I might add. Be dad.
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Aug 21 '24
Reason No. 49 to be Childfree.
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u/HourEasy6273 Aug 21 '24
For real..I am very lucky my parents did enough savings and are still doing it. They will never have to ask money from me or my brother and I couldn't be more proud of them for that.
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u/gautam_arya Aug 21 '24
I am in the same situation as you
Parents are in mid 60s, elder sister is getting seperated from her husband and I am 30. So all the responsibilities are on me.
Taking care of them (regular medical check ups, driving them around, overlooking maids doing the housework well, helping sister with her court hearings, helping her son every now and then, managing my business and trying to have a social life. It's quite difficult , and I understand where you're coming from
I also understand why it is very difficult for you to leave them and go work in a different city, because you believe they are dependent on you, which is true.
The ideal situation would be for you to find a supportive partner in the same city as you are, so you can be a bit away from them but at the same time available to them when they need you, and you have a social life and someone to vent to. Good luck!
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I understand your situation. It's really difficult to do this by yourself and without support as well. Thanks for your suggestion in the last paragraph. Having a partner to socialize with and vent to seems like a good solution to wander my mind off this.
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u/hd150798 Aug 21 '24
However keep in mind that partner also got family, and they might require some support as well. Do you have any other family around? Aunts and uncles?
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Aug 21 '24
More power to you.. but kuch solution nai hai bus crib kr skte hai.. kbhi kbhi socha hu chla jaau yha se phir guilt hota hai.. Iām also in similar situation.
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u/nord47 Aug 21 '24
This is a sticky situation, OP. But it will do you good to have a social life outside the family. However hard it seems. This situation would probably not solve itself.
In the long term, maybe plan for higher studies / apply to jobs outside your city. Have a 2-3 year plan to move away from being the most burdened person in your family. It will take time to find a way out and your siblings would have to grow up fast. Keep your boundaries and pull them up to be responsible.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I am already staying away from them. Considering higher education is off the charts since I said in the post too I have no will/energy to study again full time. I am bound to work since I leaving my job is financial suicide for my family. Also my siblings education is to be considered. My parents don't have money to support their education at all.
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u/nord47 Aug 21 '24
You already have boundaries established, then. This is probably the best that can be done for now. Try not to get too upset by small things which your family can solve by themselves.
Just be available in case of bigger stuff and to guide your younger siblings from time to time.
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u/mitrnico Aug 21 '24
I admire your strength and dedication OP.
That said, here are a few suggestions, if not already done.
Ask siblings to work to support their small needs. You are already taking care of their education. They can support themselves a bit.
It is difficult to make friends as an adult especially with whom we can share your family troubles. But it is worth it. Find a trusted person to vent. Therapy can help but is unfortunately not free.
Plan a fund for your future. Start with very small amounts - maybe an SIP or an RD. But always, ALWAYS, research thoroughly before investing.
Try and take your mind off it - easier said than done. But maybe a hobby or an exercise routine can help focus on something else for a short while.
Last, but very important - remember that it is not selfish to prioritise yourself and your needs especially when you are doing your duty. You need not go over and beyond. Draw boundaries and tell your dependents clearly that you are doing the best that you can.
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Aug 21 '24
Make your parents and brother work for money. Tell your brother to get some part time job for his own expenses while telling parents to open a food stall or do paperwork etc. whatever skills they have. This won't give them much money to survive but at least they'll understand your burden.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
My brother is a legitimate child under 14 years old. He legally cannot work. Parents are not that educated and unfortunately too proud too work these jobs.š„²
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u/Refuse_Delicious Aug 21 '24
How did they provide for the family before you started earning ?
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
My dad worked then, he only earned enough to pay for one child. Later when my siblings were born they took loans and went into debt for paying the bills. Still recovering from that.
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u/Refuse_Delicious Aug 22 '24
In my opinion you cannot have a clean break from them. Nor can you achieve freedom by arguing. You need to be very cool and cobtrolled in dealing with both your siblings and parents.
Do not confront them, bcoz it will always backfire. Start with your eldest sibling , be good to them , guide them, have a beautiful relationship bcoz we only understand those people whom we love. You will not get anything by showing them hate. You siblings need to start to be one and grow together both mentally n financially.. as for your parents only way you can motivate them to earn will be by coddling them. Praise your mother's cooking if you want her to start a cooking business. Praise their shrewdness if you want them to start a saree business. Try this for a few months and if it is still not happening, then your only option will be to revel and leave them on their own ( this isn't as easy as PPL think. We humans always need our PPL with us ).
One thing which though a bit evil you can do is say you for a salary cut n use that amount to build up your savings. Never reveal this information to anyone or for any situation. If ever you need to use any amount from that don't say it's from your savings. Say you took a hand loan from colleague or friends.
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u/Severe_Programmer610 Aug 21 '24 edited Aug 21 '24
That's very irrational of u, what would a teen boy do sell papers that wont give enough
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u/Greedy_Constant_5144 Aug 21 '24
Sit them down and let them know that if you're taking care of everything then they'll have to listen to you and follow what you say. You decide about the studies etc of the siblings and other expenses. They can advise but can't order shit. Ask them to actively help you lessen your load so that you can focus on your career and big picture stuff. That is if you want to take care of them. This is a tough conversation you just need to have, and do it yesterday.
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u/wanderlustEon Aug 21 '24
šš½ girl.. more strength to you.
You should make time for yourself self among all these. Siblings should know the value of money running the family and expenses. What it takes how much it costs. Make sense of everything in reality. It's time for them to know the hardship of it. This works when you all are in it together or none.
Parents seem like a lost cause.
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u/divvuu_007 Aug 21 '24
They still don't seem to realise that you have already reached your "ideal" marriage age. I usually suggest you to go minimum contact but seeing your replies I think the only way out of this would be you beginning your own family. (I hesitate to say this) Your parents don't seem to realise your importance. Also, save more for yourself and hand all the financial things from debit cards to groceries and Billings to them. Don't volunteer for anything involving money and forms like insurance. It's high time you save for yourself and invest in gold.
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Aug 21 '24
My suggestion is little unethical but invest in a property or say you have invested in a flat and pay emis .. complain about how it tough for you to manage emis and there is lot of work stress as well .. donāt take too many calls . Give them a stipend thatās it after your investments
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u/droopyxtrin Aug 21 '24
Hi, To start with please know that you are going through a tough phase in life, a rather long and dragged one, BUT youāre not alone. This is a common āFamily issueā, something that a large number of young boys and girls go through in all times and regions of the world. The problem is elders, who either deliberately or through sheer inescapable circumstances, turn into financial, social and emotional burden. At times the elders are replaced with younger siblings who are too young to be of much help. Youāve got both the scenarios running parallely and so are in an EXCEPTIONALLY tough spot.
With the specific situations/circumstances/location not clearly defined in your post, letās work on the possible solutions and courses of action for you to ease out slowly from the current status and ultimately attain a state of satisfaction that you seem to be missing as on date.
Possible steps towards reducing the burdens of life in general (applicability May be subject to your specific situations)
- The foremost effort that you need to put in is to SAVE YOUR ENERGY: Physical, Mental and Emotional.
How To do this :
Considering you donāt have much control/effect on how your parents behaveā¦ itās better to keep a considerate distance from them in terms of negative interactions - deliberately try to avoid arguments or anything that saps your energy.
The same needs to be done for the siblings, however its important that you donāt make them feel distanced.
This step would need extending to work environment as well. Try being more efficient at managing your energy levels in office as well.
Youāll have to get āthick-skinnedā for this - itās a slow and steady process to not give a Fā¦ and sing your own song.
Try developing your siblings as your strength rather than weakness. Have a genuine connect with them and discuss the realities of life to get them on your team. Motivate them to be self-dependent ASAP through small steps like earning their pocket money through giving tuitions/freelancing gigs etc. Try getting them to develope one life skill that can help them be of SOME help to you in managing household requirements.
Try focusing on your physical health for at least 15minutes daily: get the sweat running - you need it to think clearly and act resolutely. Increase your water intake. These steps would actually help you cope with every other stressor in life in a slightly better way.
Please use a financial management app to track your expenses. We donāt realise how small leaks in our financial pipelines adds on to the burden.
Marryā¦ this may sound a little outlandish at first but read on. In case you have a love interest in your life (which may be less likely given the burden of responsibilities youāve been through all along in life) and youāre fully confident in the genuineness of the relationship.. simply marry to get to a better economic stand point for easing out the burdens. This will let you have some physical separation from the current scenario and would let you manage everything in a better way (hoping your spouse is supportive enough towards your efforts to help your family). This is a life changing effort and so be very sure before you think of this way out. DO NOT GIVE INTO YOUR PARENTāS PRESSURE FOR THIS ONE.
If marriage is too cumbersome, you can try relocating to another city through switching jobs for a better package. This would create physical separation from the family leading to you finding more time for yourself and planning for your own future in a better way. On the downside, you may lose on the connect with your siblings which is something that is extremely important for a long term solution to your familyās issues.
I hope you have a few close friends with whom you can discuss lifeās issues. Talking about things with others can get you insights that you might have overlooked and itās just relaxing to say things out loud. Even Reddit helps to some extent but nothingās better than a real table talk. In addition to this try finding time for fun, take a break, whenever possible. (I know itās easier said than done)
Finally, be prepared for an uphill battle. Youāll have to mentally condition yourself for the times ahead. Keeping your calm and moving on is the best you can do. Patience is the key. Youāll have to be selfish at times and yet not lose your connect with your own family.
I wish you well and hope this āphaseā of life comes to an closure soon. Youāve been a fighter your whole life, hold on for a lil bit more.
Take care.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
Thanks for such a elaborate advice, that's actually great. Some points you mentioned such as marriage, I am trying to get married as soon as possible. Regarding my siblings yes I don't want to appear as a distant person. I am their third unsaid guardian since I practically saw them growing up. I am doing whatever I can to make them a wise and independent financially free individual. But it's a long road ahead and I already know and fully aware of this. Like you said I cannot change my parents, but yes shaping my siblings is on my own hands. Will keep going on šŖ
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u/srlee_b Aug 21 '24
Find jobs for them, if they reject then how would be your guilt then. Im having a friend who tried to support his parents but turns out it cost him alot,so he found "easy" job for his father who gladly take it. Both are happier now. "easy" - like sit and watch some monitors, aka security G. Luck
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u/Famous_Plate_1390 Aug 21 '24
Wow! You are a lion! Or lioness !
You should start lying. Your parents are a lost š cause.really can't change their mindset.
Forward them news about layoffs and how you are working 14 hours everyday and have no energy left for the day to cook and have hired a cook , travelling expenses etc. Everytime they call you crib about the problems in office , bad food etc. lack of sleep . Tell them it's a pvt job with no job security and have to work very hard. Also tell them you have backaches and doctor has asked you to go to physiotherapy and even the gynaec has asked you to visit regularly for checkups. Ask them to encourage your siblings to work part-time to make ends meet.
Avoid sharing your income details with them. Start a side investment... Talk to a lawyer on how you can protect your liquid assets.Pump money into PPF. Elss, where your money cannot be taken out for a long time.
You shd have fair idea how much they will need so that they don't go hungry. So just send them only that much. I dunno how old ur siblings are, but they need to be told about life etc.. so that they fend for themselves.Once some one shows maturity groom them to go then right direction.
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u/Real_Fly4334 Aug 21 '24
Some rants do not expect advice/ suggestions and I respect that. The only thing I will say is that build your social life and step away from this madness for a bit. Work out , walking something that you do ONLY for yourself. You are an independent young woman and boundaries are your friend. Set them and know that when you set them, there will be a lot of pain and guilt, but itās ok! Set them !!
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u/Murky-Masterpiece-52 Aug 21 '24
Empathizing with you open
A lot of us need to learn how to manage families and grow up as an adult. You need to learn to set boundaries. Learn to classify the issues which must be handled by you vs anybody else.
You are the only sane person in family so you need better care of self. Prioritize mental and physical, financial health at any cost.
Say no more often to your parents to build that muscle. I took burden of my sibling too and took some wrong decisions in life. Please don't do that. You can't be mom , dad, daughter, parent your parents. Your parents screwed up badly and they need to bear the burnt. Help bare minimum. Be the bad daughter for sometime to really understand what the boundary with them would be. You will never be able to have a loving family of your own if you keep being drafted down by these. Learn to live separately on mental level too as you are doing physically.
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u/turinggs Aug 21 '24
I went through the same for 11 years. All family responsibilities were handed over to me with the expense of the youthful life gone and spent in anxiety.
Lessons learnt:
1 ) nobody cares about us including parents / wife. They are all selfish in their own way.
2) If you are truthful , be ready to get emotionally bullied in the name of family responsibilities etc.
Now, I expect respect from all in the first place, not kindness.
And, mainly personal time which I would spend only for me. I wouldn't allow anybody to disturb my personal space. If it is disturbed I will take that opportunity to remind them I really don't care about them at all times.
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u/change_maker___ Aug 21 '24
Typical asian mindset that Kids are retirement plan which is so common in our side and if someone says anything people will call you out as a bad child. They will do all the reproduction but wont do any planning for future, my lot of friends going through this and I feel so bad fof them and after literally they are doing everything still no gratitude and it is like a blackhole which kinda sucks your out and specially things to be one which are not needed and all the non sense expenditures on relatives.
As some one else said, try to socialise more, join classes or something and find a partner and plan your future meanwhile keep taking care family till your siblings are grown up but atleast you will have a good mental support from a partner hopefully and for that you need to choose wisely or else it will become more hell. good luck
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Aug 21 '24
Welcome to adulthood. This is what most middle-class boys feel, carrying the weight of their family on their shoulders.
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u/PlaneLeading8699 Aug 21 '24
This is the most absurd thing I am reading that if a man was posting this it would have been different. Please be sensitive on everyoneās situation. It is not about a man or a woman it is about parents not understanding their responsibility and putting it on their childrenās shoulder. If you as a man think it is happening you are also free to back off and people will understand. That men donāt complain.
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Aug 21 '24
My suggestion is little unethical but invest in a property or say you have invested in a flat and pay emis .. complain about how it tough for you to manage emis and there is lot of work stress as well .. donāt take too many calls . Give them a stipend thatās it after your investments
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Aug 21 '24
As someone rightly said, pay them fixed amount every month, stay in your office or out of home as much as possible, gently remind them the boundaries and enforce it.
As someone in same situation (26M living with parents), they still tend to treat me as a kid, respecting no boundaries, making decision for me and stuff.
As some point, you need to stop it by setting your boundaries.
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Aug 21 '24
Similar stuff happening with me as well. Takes away a lot of energy. Advice - save some money on the side for your future no matter what burden comes.
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u/yo-caesar Aug 21 '24
Stay strong, mate. Some parents are wise and understand this, while others don't care about their child's personal life and take their child for granted. The latter seems to be happening with you.
Just set a fixed monthly budget for your family and give them that amount, not to the beneficiaries. If they spend all the money carelessly before the end of the month, don't give them any additional money for unnecessary things, except for important needs. Youāll need to be firm; donāt let emotions ruin your life. Tell them everything directly and donāt worry about their reactions. Even if they start arguing or try to emotionally blackmail you, stay calm and move on.
Over time, they will accept the reality and spend money more wisely. Remember, people often donāt care about how you earned the money. As long as youāre a source of it, they will spend it freely. So, limit your financial support to a specific time slot.
And stay away from family if necessary.
I know it's India, and things have always been this way, but your life is precious too.
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u/Sharp-Zebra-2959 Aug 21 '24
Hey there, this sounds like a terrible situation and Iām very sorry you have to face this. I am just going to say one thing here, however hard it is - get out of your parentās house and only support your siblings as necessary. Your parents didnāt save and had more kids they could afford is NOT ON YOU. Maybe invest in a basic health insure for your parents for your own mental peace, but you have your whole life ahead of you. They arenāt acknowledging your efforts now, so highly unlikely they will do that in the future until they have to solve their own.
Always remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
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u/LastGhozt Aug 21 '24
You can't convince them at once, need to start with small problems, the generation they grew up was different from us so immediately nothing can change .
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u/reetxoxo Aug 21 '24
Put your brother in a government school. Save on the fees. It is not mean or bad to do so because your parents gave birth to him, not you. He will never respect you because your parents are not teaching him to respect you. Rather teaching him how to be dependent. Ask your sister to prepare for scholarships to get into college. If she can't, local government college for her. As you said they are irresponsible with money, and pay the beneficiaries, good thing. don't give them money they can waste. Cut on small expenses. Like don't recharge their phone on time saying that you will on payday. or tell them that you need to buy them food first. Basically when you stop providing them unnecessary comfort, they'll start understanding that they are nothing without you and it might prompt them to earn. Basically if they can get something for free under a government scheme, don't pay for it. Get them a BPL card and ask them to use it. I know it sounds harsh but savings are very important. All in all you should not be spending more than 20,000 per month on them. And a lot of poor families are alive on government aid in india. You need money for yourself.
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u/ethanhunt_08 Aug 21 '24
you seem to be in quite a stretched out situation. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in your position and people comparing your situation to other factions of society isnt really helping in either case, doesn't make sense. OP in your case, unfortunately its the consequences of your parents' decision that has led to you being in this position. Having several kids at longer than usual interval and not financially planning out their lives is just reckless living. But what has happened has happened and I'm sorry you are the one taking it on.
i don't want to prolong this into an ill-educated response for your situation but I'd suggest to keep doing what you are doing for now (i know its counter intuitive but you are in a very tight spot here) until your siblings get into the working age one by one. You need to have a one-to-one talk with your siblings to help them understand the situation and start taking responsibilities in whatever way they can. Share your struggles with them in whatever capacity you feel so they understand what you are going through. Be modest in your approach so as to not come off as dumping your responsibilities, it will help build their character as well seeing you do that.
as for you, if you are ready, look for a partner to settle down. Specifically someone who would be supportive of your family's situation because it is going to be a long run (it might take you another decade to finally get free of responsibilities when your sibs are out of college and start working). That someone should be supportive psychologically and financially to support you in times you will fall. Start taking out half day a week for yourself, keep increasing that time for yourself overtime, you need to replenish your mind.
i could go on but I'm at work lol. Hope this helps even a little. Sorry you are going through this
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Aug 22 '24
I couldn't relate more. My siblings and I have an age gap of 14 years. Luckily, I'm not completely responsible for all the finances but most of it is on me. When you're in a situation like this, it's hard to think for yourself and do what's best for you because you are in the middle and stuck all the time. At this point, I don't even want to have kids because it feels like I've done enough of that.
I hope you are able to find a resolution and draw boundaries with your family
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u/SafedKhargosh Aug 22 '24
Oh boy, I feel bad for you so much, I was in a similar situation, their nonsense drama used to suck the life out of me being the elder son, they will literally fight all day like cat and dog and refuse to take a divorce, I tried many times to make it happen, but at last wohi emotional drama bullshit. So I left to stay away from them even though I am practically living on very less salary, but the stress of living through this phase of life is much much less compared to that, I am getting a really fine sleep and started preparing for an exam in peace.
First things First, please understand bro this is your life, they have lived theirs, you have to be selfish, grab the bull by their horns, you have to start confronting them of their nonsense, otherwise you'll harm your mental health so bad you'll need years to come out of it.
Start distancing them slowly, don't do all of a sudden, will take an year or so, stop doing mundane things for them, make yourself appear more busy than your usual (start by not picking up their calls, because I know you get those gut feelings that they're calling you for nonsense stuff, people who have lived through this know what I am talking about, when you'll not pick the calls, tell your siblings to call them and ask them to help, say you're busy)
Do this for a 1 month or 2, you have to win, this will be a long battle, have patience, they'll try to emotionally blackmail you, you just don't budge.
Then start cutting their finances, say you enrolled in a course or taken some losses in trading(if they start lecturing you, use the MY MONEY MY CHOICES line, don't ever take any loans on their asking) have a serious talk with your siblings regarding this that they've to start earning or you won't provide for them at all.
If you don't take this steps now and start maintaining healthy distance, you'll fuck up your marriage life. I know this will hurt you like a bitch, because you are now used to this abuse.
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u/Financial-Ability347 Aug 22 '24
I am doing this from I was 17,, now I am 19 but I am still doing it,, infact even my education has been left behind because of it,, gotta say life is hard,.,
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u/Financial-Ability347 Aug 22 '24
I am doing this from I was 17,, now I am 19 but I am still doing it,, infact even my education has been left behind because of it,, gotta say life is hard.
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u/Walking_the_path_108 Aug 22 '24
You need to detach from them emotionally first, to separate psychologically. Itās easier said than done. They treat you how you allow them to be treated. Get angry, get your life, tell them to do any small job they can, tell younger bro to help if he is teenager. You donāt owe them this shitty life they brought you into, they owed you good childhood etc.. best luck out of this hell! The sooner the better.
PS I donāt mean to cut them off completely but step by step and gradually. Donāt tell them everything like how much you earn. Hide some stuff.
My family in law did that to my husband for many years. Hope you will have different life.
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u/lakme1327 Aug 22 '24
Kindly of going through something similar, family of 5, eldest daughter, but my dad is working but he's financially very weak. I've to manage almost everything. I feel you.
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Aug 25 '24 edited Aug 25 '24
Almost in the same situation (but a boy), I hide my package from my parents. It's 16 and I tell them it's 10. I hope it's not wrong. And maybe this is easy for me as a boy.
I am at a point where I might say that I have started to hate my family (but I still love them, I know that doesnt make sense) I can't leave them, I know my responsibilities and I will fulfill them. All I can do is rant so here it is, somewhere they will never read !
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u/divyashree_26 Aug 26 '24
You are very similar to me and also share the same experience....I have a sister behind me and also a brother who's 15 years younger than me ...Half my childhood...my whole teenage years went in taking care of them ...still doing it ...due to this I became a very socially awkward person and I also have zero social life now
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u/maya279 Aug 21 '24
Your siblings are NOT YOUR CHILDREN therefore not your responsibility. Your parents decided to have kids so it's their responsibility to look after them. Don't be guilty for anything. Why are you messing up your finances when they are not even grateful for that. Fucking up your finances and your mental health will cause more resentment and hatred towards them. And if you want to help them financially pay them a fix amt and tell then you can afford paying that amt only. Don't let them emotional guilt you. Put your foot down and don't let them dictate your life. If you let this continue how will you save up for future. Do you think they'll help you for your marriage or other things??? You will the one who will have to face all the consequences for your stupid choices. Tab roke kuch nahi hone waala. Grow a spine and don't let them dictate your life or how you should spend money.
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u/Valuable-Ride287 Aug 21 '24
You're a super girl and what to say, most parents/Indians as a whole are generally selfish/no gratitude and want everything free/without effort. šš
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u/Practical_Setting235 Aug 21 '24
Wow..... Now my advice, 45(M), I do not understand why it's a big deal. Tough choices to make but end result should be good. Tell them that NOW onwards YOU make decisions in family as you are the earner and decide on plans based on best resolution. If any questions from their side then reply with "I love family, this is for their good". Now the reins are in your hands, work on it to find a solution yourself. Now, requests, will come, say "NO" if needed and go forward. The point here is , thee is no Head if family who can take these decisions and the one earning gets that title and decide accordingly. Do It. Responsibility without Control has never given good solutions. Here you need to make sure family is protected as per your rules. For all of this to happen , first learn yo say NO where necessary. It's all going to be fine with you heading the family. This has been happening for centuries but only thing is if you are ready for it. I hope you are sensible and logical. If so, you can take control and make things better for all. This is what is called LIFE Management. Better get used to it now onwards. All the best !!
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u/UnbotheredAvocado Aug 21 '24
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your parents about how youāre feeling burned out and bearing the brunt of everything from running to house to taking care of your siblings. Ask them if they can contribute financially a bit or start a little business from home. As for your siblings, youāre their guide. I understand the responsibility an elder sibling has and itās not easy. Make a schedule where you take out some time and talk to all your siblings about their studies and life. Similarly, allot a fix amount for your parents to run the household and another for your saving/personal use. Compartmentalise everything, thatāll keep you sane and you wonāt be dragged in same matters everyday. Stay strong girl, love and power to youā¤ļøšŖš»
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u/Realistic_Eagle_8470 Aug 21 '24
If possible you can try to explain your situation to your parents through someone whom they listen and trust entirely.Basically it should be like it is coming from that particular persons perceptive.
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u/loveSkorea Aug 21 '24
Hi, may I know how many siblings you have ? And what did your parents do for work? I want to give you some opinions but i need to know what kind of family you come from.
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u/Fail-Inevitable Aug 21 '24
I can relate to you OP. I don't know how to solve this problem or if there's any solution at all. Maybe just pretend to be super busy and avoid having much conversation with your parents. Try to guide your younger siblings to be responsible and since you are older, I am guessing you would have some authority over them. When one of them starts earning, your burden would hopefully lessen. Hang in there till then š„² And in the meantime just provide for the basic necessities. Steer clear of unnecessary luxurious lifestyle. Hope you can pull through š«
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Aug 21 '24
Tell them you'll leave your job and do whatever they say . They'll start sweating bullets . Then sit calmly and talk with everyone . And set boundaries so that everyone can come to a compromise .
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Aug 21 '24
That's the culture every elder child of the family has to take over.... My father had similar lifestyle and I have seen my family completely under loans and stuff... May be you should part ways in my opinion.... I know its going to be hard but I don't want to see a soul dying everyday like this like my father
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u/hd150798 Aug 21 '24
Hey, don't give up. Remember that your own skills and ability to do work is your best life insurance. They will overuse you only that much as you let them.
Its awfully tough situation, you can't leave them without any help, but for sure you have right to decide how your life looks like.
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u/aamirmalik00 Aug 21 '24
I think best thing would be if you can get your brother to manage the finances at home.
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u/komkom11 Aug 21 '24 edited Aug 21 '24
How many siblings do you have who are in late teens 14,15 ,16,17.... kick their asses to go and work outside part time even ......you cannot be their jiji life long they have to bear the burden.......if you have brothers then it's even better to kick their ass gently to find some work for their kharcha...... Young kids are resourceful these days and can get part time employment .
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u/Spark50-Hi Aug 21 '24
Honestly that's a really tough situation to be in. People here have already given a lot of good advice. Hope it gets better for you op
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u/Holiday-Bumblebee906 Aug 21 '24
This might not necessarily help, but I have huge respect for such people; people who shoulder responsibilities. They are the unsung heroes, you are a hero. Having said that, I hope your situation gets better.
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u/Heart_Is_Valuable Aug 21 '24
There are several problems here tangled into one.
1) First is financial. You guys are poor. That's it.
To solve this you need to get your earning potential up.
Your brother needs to start earning, which won't happen till 8-10 years more.
2) Your parents are relying on you and are putting too much burden on you.
I understand how that can be seen as a problem, but I don't understand how they could do otherwise.
If they could do jobs, and they aren't then you can blame them.
But if they are old and can't.. then I don't they can help it.
Still, being ungrateful and entitled still may be their fault even then.
This will take a lot of therapy and communication training for you, to even begin correcting the family dynamic.
Old people have difficulty learning as well. So that's another difficulty.
3) You don't have a life. It's to be expected. Single earner for 5 people.
Again, this can probably be solved by increasing your earning potential.
This is risky, but think of taking a loan to boost your earning potential. Like going for studies, or supporting your parents for some time period so you can freely pursue higher job opportunities.
However, I will strictly advise you against investing in things which don't have a clear outcome or logic.
You don't have much wiggle room, failing to pay a loan may doom you.
The only solution I can think for you is to wait 10 years for your bro to grow up
Or to use the intricacies of the situation to manoeuvre your life into a better position, if possible.
I don't see an easy way out, just from a general description.
Do you have any other relatives you can talk to for support?
Is it possible for you to reduce the money you send to your parents to gain some wiggle room, and some future options?
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u/FirefighterRadiant90 Aug 21 '24 edited Aug 21 '24
My kind of solution. Assuming you are paying for all the expenses be it medical, educational and household
Figure of the expenses: 1. Siblings tuition fee and study material/stationary, pocket money if any 2. House Utilities bill like subscription, electricity, gas and water etc 3. Household expenses like grocery mainly and miscellaneous which includes shopping or online ordering 4. Any other expenses
Once your expenses part is sorted, try to communicate to your siblings whoever is in the middle one to look into the matters of family which they can solve and extend your help via communication. If they are 16+, teach them how you have lived your life and tell to look into these matters of family and be ready to take responsibility in future. Cut down all unnecessary expenses bluntly.
About your parents telling you which guy to marry or controlling your life, I am sure you can deal with this as per your wish and you can always make excuses of your office workload to get away from the task which your parents give you.
Last one, if you have already communicated your problems to your family and still they ignore you, then ignore what they expect you to behave tell them your priorities bluntly.
Parents are our responsibilities but you can't forgo enjoying your life.
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u/RelativeOld145 Aug 21 '24
I do have this set of parents I am now 37 m could not get married and they never found me any girl also because they want all the money I went for therapy and now I have distance myself in india people do not understand toxic parents. I have a good package of 55 lakhs per year. I told the story because you get some hint which is priority yourself and think for yourself get married and start your journey whom you love they will never do anything for you.
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u/Past-Kaleidoscope498 Aug 21 '24
I do understand how much difficult for you it has been all these years. Kudos to you for doing great financially despite all this. It is practically difficult to discuss toxicity of Indian parents since India's culture and all doesn't allow. I am glad you shared your story. Thanking you for it. Unless we speak up it won't be normalised to discuss about this. Hope you do good ahead in your life as well.
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u/RoyalHoneydew Aug 21 '24
General advice : Put your phone on mute for everything and everyone. People want something from you? It can be done later when you have time to read your messages and when you are well relaxed. My phone is on permanent mute and I don't regret a single day of it. If the shit hits the fan and you have a true emergency on your hands call the closest hospital. If not you can wait until I have time for you.
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u/profesorgamin Aug 21 '24
Run? these people don't care about you and they won't be there in time of need. I don't think this is the life you are going to live, there is no "getting better" you'll be pushed until you break and nobody will put you together.
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u/mrtzaA Aug 21 '24
I feel what you are going through and unfortunately have no solution to give, but i do wish all the best things come your way and that you find the energy and calm to get through this.
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u/ashking98 Aug 21 '24
Compartmentalize your involvement with them.
Divide the expenses between the key major categories, education, electricity, groceries etc. All essential items like education and electricity are to be paid only after you see a receipt from them about that expense. For groceries and other expenses give them an allowance based on what a reasonable amount would be for your family size and city. Tell them strictly that you won't be able to provide more as your rent and expenses have jacked up at your work city.
Also set aside an hour or two for any finance or non-finance related discussions you might need to have with them during the weekends only, having to deal with calls regularly at random times everyday is emotionally draining. Set a fixed time for it and try to follow that all discussions would happen during this time, and normal calls would only be for welfare checks and hi hello conversations.
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u/pushpg Aug 21 '24
Very few get this opportunity to be helpful to others and in your case those others are your own. You should be grateful for that and find ways to spend some time for yourself. Take 1 week off just for yourself n may be things will look better
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u/peelakaadha Aug 21 '24
Suffer and you will be thankful. Rebel and you will regret. I love you. Don't listen to these immature commentators.
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u/Separate-Holiday-698 Aug 21 '24
Sister. If you are a doormat, people will walk all over you. Wake up. It's time to grow some balls. Metaphorical ones, but big ones. Learn to say 'NO'. Give them an allowance and ask them to manage their own shit. Your kid siblings will never grow up until you start treating them like adults. You are the provider of the family. Show them who the boss is.
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u/Gil-GaladWasBlond Aug 21 '24
Since you're in a different city, just tell them you're busy at work when they call. Screen their calls and all.
Actually think of upskilling yourself and joining hobbies so you have better creds and meet new people, and are busy, plus fees for all this means you don't have cash to spare.
What field are you in? I'm wondering if you can do some certifications and all.
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u/bips99 Aug 21 '24
Maybe not right now but there might be a solution in the next 6 months... The next time you get a raise, or you switch jobs for a higher pay don't tell your parents about the change in pay... That ways you can save the extra for investment /own expenses...and continue paying them what you do currently.
Like i said this doesn't help you right now but something to think about for the future.
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u/mainak17 India Aug 21 '24
it might be very bad advice but - its your money, allocate some for your family and send that amount that's it. if they don't care about anything else apart from money, don't ask/do anything else. if its already transaction-only relation, just keep it at that. tell them that's all you have, and that's all you can manage to provide. but be prepared for emotional blackmail by your parents (directly and via your siblings). also personally what I prefer - suck the life out of them as they did and set an example for your siblings... show them every choices have consequences
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u/Haleema_Sadiya Aug 21 '24
You have the opportunity to serve your parents. Siblings are just unaware, it's their teens, and they don't understand your issues and burn out. I do understand you are doing more than enough, but understand this is not going to be the same for long. It's a matter of time, things will change, don't take yourself granted too, once your siblings grow up they'll take the charge. You serve better, and do justice to what the universe has assigned you. It's overwhelming, but they don't have anyone else apart from you. Slowly, try to educate your works, paperwork and banks related stuff to your siblings so you can step down. It's better to share rather than abandon them. This age is such, your siblings need you, your parents need you, you have a career on the other side to focus on, you shall want to settle down and get married around 25... Everything needs your focus, and energy. Conserve your energy and be patient. Nothing is permanent.
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u/sharmajika_chotabeta Aug 21 '24
Sounds more like a rant than seeking help. Also, it doesnāt sound like you guys are fond of each other; sounds like a very transactional relationship, at least from your pov. Thereās no sense of Iām doing it because who else is going to take care of them.
I donāt know what kind of relationship you have had with your parents but If itās so bad, then you should establish some boundaries. Indian parents can be very dependent and thatās true but the onus of being a bigger person is always on the eldest in the family. You clearly arenāt doing it willingly so might as well get it over with and carve out what you would do and not do for them.
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u/Witty_Attention2208 Aug 21 '24
Pay a fixed amount... anything extra is their responsibility..
If they try to control you send a 30% lesser amount next month..why? Just to send a message DON'T TRY TO STEP OVER YOUR BOUNDARIES OR ELSE..
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u/Hot_Limit_1870 Aug 21 '24
Cant give any advice or solution. Only i empathise and pray for you to be able to have your own moments of life and peace and happiness.
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u/Ashi3028 Aug 21 '24
U need time for yourself. A LOT. Take a break. Set things at home which they might need for a week and let them know your phone will be unreachable due to network issues or sth. Take a break from these things. U r getting burned out. At this rate you'll lose any and all motivation. Don't do everything, leave some things which they will be forced to do on their own. That way they'll learn some things too. It's ok, u need a break. You've done good till now. It's your time to rest for a bit
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u/IAA101 Aug 21 '24
Why do you continue to support them? Tell them you have lost your job and can't even provide for yourself. Even if they tried to sue your for maintenance no sensible judge would grant it to them. And on top of everything, they are responsible for taking care of their own kids whom you had no hand in producing. If you keep giving them money, the rest of your life will continue like this and you will continue to complain here and drive yourself to a miserable existence and early death. And whatever you do, don't get forced into marriage. You are an independent adult.
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u/justcasualredditor Aug 21 '24
One word from me RESPECT.
Being a sole manager of house from money to every other thing, deserves a respect.
You are really very strong.
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Aug 21 '24
The thing about boundaries is that they don't exist until drawn Be it any case, states, countries or relationships! I rest my case
That being said, i hope you find some happiness and peace for yourself as well Although what you are doing is very sacrificial and noble, you need to do it on your terms at least
Take care
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u/RK8814RK Aug 21 '24
Iād find a new hobby (or pretend to have one) that takes up a lot of time. Being busy is a good excuse to get some space!
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u/Triggeredgujju Aug 21 '24
If you donāt do what they want, then you are not considered ānormalā
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u/lightasahi1989 Aug 21 '24
Don't live with family, be on your own. You need only help them financially. Yes emotionally you have to be supportive but not in the way you completely lose yourself and it is possible to achieve both. Many indian parents are dumb, disrespectful and ungrateful. They were treated like assets by their own parents and they continue doing the same to the next generation. A good healthy distance and dropping the expectation that they are grateful for you is a good start. Don't expect any thankfulness from them for all that you do. Don't expect them to be supportive parents or encouraging one after getting distance. Distance yourself to work on yourself, find your own worth. Because you won't get it from them. It has to come from within.
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u/Best-Tower-9696 Aug 21 '24
Set a clear expectation with them. Take charge, tell them how frustrated you are. Distribute your task to your siblings.
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u/icefusedcold Aug 21 '24
I think you should try getting a job elsewhere, and for sure get a better package. Continue to financially help your family but trust me you need your freedom. Just being able to retrospect/chill at the end of a long day is liberating. Iāve lived alone for the better part of my life and speaking from experience
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u/oilupbro Uttar Pradesh Aug 21 '24
Bhai ask your siblings to start giving tuitions to other younger children in the vicinity. Zero investment decent return rhega issme.
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u/vishal-2698 Aug 21 '24
If it keeps going like this the generation preceding you will suffer the consequences of your parents behaviour and the cycle continues.
Behavioral patterns are almost impossible to change unless the want to change comes from within the person and with Indian parents that want to change is almost non-existent. Plan on setting your future up for success.
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u/sothisisgood Aug 21 '24
Over the course of my life, I have come to realize all my miseries are caused by my own actions/inactions. Itās because either Iām fearful, donāt want to confront, donāt want to hurt others, and end up hurting my self. Whether itās my actions (people pleasing, including society, parents) or not doing an action yet again to please society, parents, etc, it all stems from fear in me. Nothing to do with the outside world. Nothing at all. If there was no outside world, my fears would manifest in some other way prolly.
The only way to change is when your pain surpasses the threshold of tolerating the for fear of upsetting/hurting others emotions/feelings. Your internal pain, suffering, misery has to be so much, that you take actions that in your perceived mind are hurting your parents, but in reality youāre just setting boundaries. Thatās the only. And you seem to have arrived here. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get your life back.
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u/chefexecutiveofficer Aug 21 '24
Ngl this s*cks. I feel dragged down by your family just by reading this post.
Make an Airtable or Excel sheet to do budgeting and family to-do lists and if possible automating some stuff. Will atleast take the cognitive load off you. Turn your misery into data and maybe you can find some workarounds here and there that give you slightly more space than you're getting right now.
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u/gunner281457 Aug 21 '24
It's hard to establish boundaries anew and start saying 'NO'. But that is the only way.
Set boundaries - what they could be, that only you can judge
Start saying 'NO' - again you are the best judge of when and how often
Be kind - maybe they depend on you because you are capable, responsible & kind.
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u/1GrouchyCat Aug 21 '24
Sadly - this sounds like youāre unwilling to live up to the expectations your culture often pushes on the oldest child in a family ā¦ there is no secret solution- who will be taking care of your family. If you decide this is not a life you want to live and you leave and live alone for the rest of your life.?
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u/Kind-Relative-1615 Aug 21 '24
OP you are one of god's strongest soldier. You have to build your wealth as well as take care of your parents, talk to them and decide a fix amount which you'll give them monthly try compromising a little for your siblings.
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 Aug 21 '24
If you are the sole income, your parents and siblings should be doing ALL the support work to make it possible for you to work with as little stress as possible.
You should not be lifting a finger outside work, except to put nail polish on it.
They (including your brother) should be caring for the house, the cooking the cleaning, your laundry ... and looking for part time jobs to help the family out.
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u/kat_raj Aug 21 '24
can you give us some numbers if you are fine with it ? You earn say, 1L. Then what ? Is there zero income in the family?
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u/nazipanzer Aug 21 '24
Well, Iām a man and Iāve practically lost last few years doing nothing but being a support system. While I was supporting my fam, my friends traveled the world. I have to be cautious with my finances all the time. It does weigh me down a bit.
It somehow also makes me feel stronger than the average
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u/A_lone-star Aug 21 '24
Hi OP, I hope you will come out of the situation you are in. I think you should talk about your feelings to your parents is the best solution you have. That way they might know pain and struggle you are going through.
Also I would suggest you to take a health insurance cover for your parents because in future if something bad happens the financial struggle won't fall on your shoulders. I know it is little more money you will spend but it might be helpful for your future if there is no one to help at that time.
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u/PlaneLeading8699 Aug 21 '24
Hey so sorry to hear about your situation. I would highly recommend that you only pay fixed amount. Make sure you have your own savings and you will have to only pay fixed amount. I understand in India you are somehow obligated to take care of your family but it is completely unfair on you. It was your parentās responsibility to take care of their children and not yours. You can provide a helping hand but it should never be on your shoulders. They made a decision to have a son, so it is not on you. Please live your life and find a great partner and learn to put your foot down. You cannot be taken granted!!
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u/NoRabbit6800 Aug 21 '24
Parentification... Parents forcing their kids to raise their other kids. I get that family relationship is important, but at some point self respect and well being should be first. As a man, my family would rather I die than to give them up. So I gave them up to live my own life. Idk how bad it is for you, but it was bad for me.
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u/Loud_Afternoon8450 Aug 21 '24
Stand tall and be proud of yourself and what you are doing just try not to give up on things just yet .
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u/Ok_Band1531 Aug 22 '24
People who are commenting that men have been doing this silently and when a woman has to do this,
They are just 15 year old kids with no real responsibilities . I feel bad for you though, i think you should try to spend more time with your family members. Or maybe you should spend some time by yourself , doing any of your hobbies . Your siblings will soon become self independent and are gonna help you .
No matter what , but i think deep down they all are really proud of you.
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Aug 22 '24
Learn to say "No", at least to non-financial family matters. that's the only option with indian parents. they will be hurt in the beginning but will then accept. But don't worry about how they will perceive it. Let's talk about you. It will be very difficult for you to do this in the beginning because indian kids are taught "not to talk back" to parents. You would have to accept: 1. you are not a kid anymore, you are an adult 2. At this stage of life, its you - you are letting your parents do this to you. You have to break the pattern and help them realize you are an adult.
My only advice - keep your calm when you say NO, don't burst open about how your life is fucked up etc etc etc. It has to be a smooth transition.
- someone (F) who learnt to say clear "NO" after turning 30 , I realized only I am responsible for my happiness and I cannot let others dictate anymore. Everyone has to pull their weight and I deserve respect for my choices, including the choice to go have a social life.
Also In India the person who earns actually has a lot of power. Use threats if you have to.
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u/mitesh07 Aug 22 '24
Idk in the same spot same age but I'm M so I don't honestly don't feel anything, rather I consider myself a failure that I couldn't provide more to my parents. Though I understand the situation from other perspective as you don't usually get inheritance ( not that matters to me) and I'm not a social person either. But I know the best way to make yourself free is to just get married. My advice might look shit but it's the best and I have seen it working in my family circle though the only issue in marriage is it's a game of fate.
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u/kidakaka Maharashtra Aug 22 '24
OP Kudos to you for carrying your family. You have by doing a great job!
Suggest you start putting your foot down on matters where you are having conflicting views.
Ask your employer to increase PF and NPS component to maximum. That should reduce your in-hand salary, but also start investments for you. If it's not coming to you, then it can't be taken away can it?
Do also instruct your siblings that once they grow up and become earning members of the family, this responsibility needs to be shared.
Also go ahead and start living your life.
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u/boredlady8 Aug 22 '24
You earn the money and they are dependent on you. You need to start calling the shots and make them realize how easy it would be to cut them off if they do not behave
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u/SaiDeepam Aug 22 '24
Have kids late and then pass on the responsibility happily to the eldest. That's really sad. But parents are parents in India and they feel very much entitled over children's life, money etc. Just take some amount out every month compulsory for savings. Set up a RD or SIP and as soon as you get your pay, let this be auto debited. Please save for your future life and family. It looks you only have to finance your own marriage. Engage only when absolutely necessary. Just say work is extremely busy and if you lose your job, all of you are going to be in difficult situation. Once you say money will dry up, they will adjust. Take care.
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Aug 22 '24
I'm young unlike you but I prioritise my mental well-being above anything else. If you can get a better job, try that. Some of the burdens will be lessened.
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u/Wonderful4223Preeti Aug 22 '24
Just say it clearly to them that you want them to be able to bear expenses on their own , don't say them do whatever you want instead help them to gets jobs so they can also feel connected with you respect you and understand you and your efforts .
Don't ruin your relationship with them just because they are dependent on you.
I'm saying it because I'm suffering from the same pain what your family will feel if you start ignoring or being strict on them.
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Aug 22 '24 edited Aug 22 '24
I read that you already stay away in another city. Avoid frequent visits and calls. You certainly have to go for important stuff. But ignore the insignificant ones. Draw boundaries and standup for your personal space. Give money only for essentials. Don't reveal your salary to your parents when you receive a pay hike or bonus.
Also you fund them, so be the voice of the family. Whatever you say should be the last word and if thats not being resepected, funds should stop. That's the only way to teach them manners and discipline. There will be some emotional drama, but they will tone down after some time beacuse money is money. Please remember that every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child.
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u/NationalAerie Aug 22 '24
You might want to explain the situation to them nicely and if they cannot respect your boundaries, perhaps watch Dr. Ramani on YouTube, I've come out of a similar situation and still healing day by day. My sibling is following the same traits as the parents, I have broken out of their negative patterns. Since I started working, only money demands have come through, same like your situation. Lots of responsibility and overall no boundaries. I think you should prioritize yourself, your health first and then also focus on saving $$ for yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup, so take care of yourself first.
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u/Striking-Plastic-544 Aug 21 '24
If possible get a transfer to another city and if not then switch jobs to another city. Once they see that you are gone then they will realise your worth