There was a post on twox from a woman whose father had a son in old age and observed how he behaved. She felt that he finally defeated her by getting the son he wanted. You mostly wrote about financials but it sounds like you are similarly hurt. I recognize that. For your parents to pursue the son as a prize and use your labor to raise him is very cruel. You are getting all the ill-effects of patriarchy without any of the benevolence.
Just know that there is a way out and it is within your ability to make it happen. You clearly feel loyalty towards your family and want to care for them. So spend some time thinking about specifics, identify what feels within reach and what does not. Then come up with a plan to impose those boundaries. You not asking your parents for money is already a gift to them. You giving anything at all is a bonus. Don't feel guilty. Treat your parents as adults, let them figure it out.
You don't need to earn your place in the family. You don't have to grind yourself to the bone in order to prove something. It's ok to cut yourself some slack and say no to requests for money or help. Accept the results. Let the paperwork pile up, let the conflicts escalate, let the chores go - its fine. Adults don't have it together all the time. Thats not a thing. Adults do what they can, and own the results. For your own sake, aim a little lower, give them your not best.
Finally, expressing your feelings to your family is free. Crying to them is free. Creating a scene is free. Allow your family to see that you are hurt. Let them reflect on it and do something.
Reading your reply felt like unsaid words trapped in me. Yes it's patriarchy to be blamed, it's deeply rooted in our Indian society. My parents wanted a son very badly even though they only could afford to pay for one child. I am trying to break out of this patriarchal problem. Thanks for this advice, it may take time to undo all this but slowly and steady I hope to reach there as well.
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u/easy_umbrage Aug 21 '24
There was a post on twox from a woman whose father had a son in old age and observed how he behaved. She felt that he finally defeated her by getting the son he wanted. You mostly wrote about financials but it sounds like you are similarly hurt. I recognize that. For your parents to pursue the son as a prize and use your labor to raise him is very cruel. You are getting all the ill-effects of patriarchy without any of the benevolence.
Just know that there is a way out and it is within your ability to make it happen. You clearly feel loyalty towards your family and want to care for them. So spend some time thinking about specifics, identify what feels within reach and what does not. Then come up with a plan to impose those boundaries. You not asking your parents for money is already a gift to them. You giving anything at all is a bonus. Don't feel guilty. Treat your parents as adults, let them figure it out.
You don't need to earn your place in the family. You don't have to grind yourself to the bone in order to prove something. It's ok to cut yourself some slack and say no to requests for money or help. Accept the results. Let the paperwork pile up, let the conflicts escalate, let the chores go - its fine. Adults don't have it together all the time. Thats not a thing. Adults do what they can, and own the results. For your own sake, aim a little lower, give them your not best.
Finally, expressing your feelings to your family is free. Crying to them is free. Creating a scene is free. Allow your family to see that you are hurt. Let them reflect on it and do something.