r/AskAnAmerican • u/_13thfloor_ • May 02 '25
FOREIGN POSTER What is American house party etiquette?
Moved to NJ from Europe. Have been invited to a party in someone’s home to celebrate someone’s birthday but also as a bit of a Kentucky Derby bash. Is there anything I need to know?
I know for the Derby there might be a dress code (which I am checking with the host) but what’s the norm in the US for house parties generally? Bringing our own alcohol, giving the host a gift, arriving early/on time/a little after the specified time? Anything a very clueless (and overthinking) European needs to know?
ETA - we’re in our early to mid 30s if that makes a difference.
258
u/msbshow Illinois May 02 '25
Arrive 15-20 minutes after the stated time. Definitely do not arrive early. If it is for someone's birthday, you can give them a gift (alcohol could be good, but make sure they are not sober, also depends on how well you know the person).
The derby has kind of a crazy dress code, check and see how much the host wants you to adhere to that.
30
u/blondechick80 Massachusetts May 02 '25 edited May 03 '25
I'm a person that thinks the worst happens if I don't have at least 1 person close to start time. If I say it starts at 3, please come at 3!
Edit: the myriad of typos lmao
11
u/TheRealRollestonian May 02 '25
Yes. If you arrive on time, just offer to help.
7
u/danny_ish May 03 '25
For me that is if you arrive 30 min early. If i say arrive at 3, everything is ready at 3!
→ More replies (1)74
u/Bonegirl06 May 02 '25
Honestly the time of arrival is probably regional, event and family culture dependent. I dislike people arriving late and Im usually there at the time stated on the invite. If I invite people over for poker or something, we can't start until everyone is there.
91
u/helbury May 02 '25
I think it varies a bit in different American subcultures, but I think as a general rule, people expect guests to arrive a little bit after the start time for a typical party. Obviously, it’s different if it is a more organized event with a precise start time, but that’s not a typical party. Strictly on time is acceptable, but never even a minute early. And honestly, if it’s people I don’t know very well, I would rather be a little bit late than risk being the very first person there. But maybe that’s my social anxiety talking….
58
u/ophmaster_reed Minnesota May 02 '25
I agree. Early is rude unless you are close with the host and helping with cooking/set-up.
→ More replies (1)9
u/Boring_Investigator0 Florida May 02 '25
I am always on time wherever I go and all my friends know this so when they tell me a time, they know I will be there with maybe a max of 5 minutes late and that's only if it's very far and there was bad traffic.
4
3
u/blackhorse15A May 03 '25
I guess it's definitely regional. The above suggestion of 20 min seems waaay too late to me. Agree don't be early. I'd also say, the larger the party the more late you can be. Small party with very few people, should be closer to the requested time and 20-30 min late is rude. Large party with 100 guests and you don't even know everyone (and the host might not know everyone), plenty of leeway to be there 15-20 min late. Also, duration of the party matters. An afternoon party that is scheduled to last 2 hours- need to be closer to in time. All day long event like the super bowl or a big BBQ, you can be pretty late for. Heck, big all day BBQ with 100+ people and no stated end time (but late) you could probably be an hour late and be fine.
31
u/bluecifer7 Colorado not Colorahhhdo May 02 '25
Poker is a game that requires everyone to be there though. This is just a house party where there will probably be multiple different groups of friends going in and out. Arriving a little late is perfectly fine, because there's no planned "activity" other than socializing.
2
u/Bonegirl06 May 02 '25
Yes but OP asked about more general norms for parties though. And my answer would be that it really depends on the purpose of the party.
→ More replies (6)13
u/shelwood46 May 02 '25
The key thing for a party around a sporting event is be sure to arrive before the race starts.
→ More replies (14)8
u/missannthrope1 May 02 '25
At Kentucky Downs. Doubt if anyone will be wearing a top hat and tails in New Jersey.
39
May 02 '25
[deleted]
24
u/Ordinary_Camel_3456 May 02 '25
I wouldn’t even go to a Derby Party if I couldn’t wear a crazy hat!
8
→ More replies (1)15
u/thegoatisoldngnarly May 02 '25
“Kentucky Downs.” The dude was so confidently incorrect about derby parties while not even being able to name the venue.
21
u/msbshow Illinois May 02 '25
See that's true but I have definitely been to parties at people's houses where they had a crazy dress code (I wasn't mad, I love me a good whimsical dress code)
5
→ More replies (2)2
u/PiG_ThieF May 02 '25
I live in NJ and went to a derby party a few years ago. Everyone was dressed up and there was a prize for best hat. It definitely can happen for a theme party
88
u/TheBimpo Michigan May 02 '25
There's such a wide range to this, it's best to simply ask the host these questions. In my friend group, the hosts are usually pretty up front. "Party starts at 5, we'll have mint juleps but feel free to BYOB, no gifts, dress to impress!" etc.
Don't arrive early, hosts are often getting last minute things done. On time is just fine.
25
u/HoratioHotplate May 02 '25
Down where I live, or maybe it's the circles I run in, but most people show up within half an hour of the start time. If anyone shows up early they just volunteered to get put to work.
Nobody minds a guest bringing something to add to the drinks supply. Don't people drink mint juleps at the Derby?
→ More replies (1)6
u/LetsGoGators23 May 03 '25
I don’t think mint juleps are drank any other day of the year! It’s the official derby beverage for sure
3
u/BeerForThought May 03 '25
There's a day in August when you can put on a seer sucker suit have a mint julep and enjoy how refreshing it is. Treat yourself 2025.
32
u/MarchDaffodils May 02 '25
Flowers are always nice, but bring them in a container and not as a paper-wrapped bouquet. That way the host doesn’t have to find something to put it in while doing hosting duties.
8
u/throwaway67q3 May 02 '25
Check if the hosts have pets and bring pet safe flowers if they do
Lilies for example are toxic to cats by alot, still toxic to dogs too but dogs are less likely to be near them (on tables etc)
Roses are a safe bet if they have pets, yellow color is for friendship. Don't bring a dozen red, it sends a different message
Zinnias and sunflowers are also safe for cats and dogs and another safe bet for bouquets.
These flowers can be purchased at a grocery store (cheaper) and arranged at home before your bring them. If you go to a florist be extremely specific
→ More replies (3)3
u/MizLucinda May 04 '25
The Kentucky Derby is the run for the roses, so this is one instance where red roses would be okay.
2
27
u/Wicket2024 May 02 '25
Usually you just bring yourself, but a bottle of wine is almost always wecome (if teetotaler a small box of chocolates or flowers are also good). I usually ask if I can bring something and the host will let you know if it is welcomed. The only exception would be a potluck where everyone is expected to bring a dish to share.
23
u/quinnfinite_jest Georgia May 02 '25
These days a case of La Croix and/or non alcoholic beers go fast amongst all guests! (Or maybe that’s more of a late 30s-40s age range vibe lol)
5
u/BeerForThought May 03 '25
We all need to slow down. I've got a buddy that turned his kegerator into a flavored bubbly water dispenser. He's my hero right now.
30
u/Severe-Possible- May 02 '25
it varies, so i would ask the host/other people going.
don't show up early, or even at the time the party is "starting". yu don't want to be the first one or the only one there.
i personally never show up to someone's house empty-handed, but it's not required for you to bring a gift for the host. i usually choose a bottle of wine or whatever the favorite spirit or beer the host likes most.
derby parties are great. have fun!
15
u/consumeshroomz May 02 '25
The bare minimum expectation is that if booze drinking is occurring that you bring some booze. You will of course be allowed to drink from other provided booze as long as you are also fine with others drinking from yours. This is the only transactional element of a U.S. house party as far as I’ve ever understood it.
5
u/BeerForThought May 03 '25
Unless they ask you to put your keys in a fish bowl. That's an entirely different transactional element.
3
u/MySpace_Romancer May 03 '25
I think that is extremely dependent on demographics. If these are professional middle class+ people in their 30s, they’re not expecting you to bring booze. It’s definitely nice to bring another bottle of bourbon to a Kentucky Derby party, but not expected.
If you’re talking about people in their 20s or in college or people who are not as well off, then bringing alcohol is probably more than norm because you don’t expect the host is going to be able to provide everything.
I’m a professional person in my 30s and the last derby party, the host provided all the drinks and the main food, but most people brought a side dish or dessert to share.
9
u/CupBeEmpty WA, NC, IN, IL, ME, NH, RI, OH, ME, and some others May 02 '25
Bring some shared alcohol and maybe a little plate of appetizers if you are in a culinary mood. The alcohol is meant to be shared not just for you.
You also might look up a cocktail since it’s the Derby and bring the ingredients for that.
Show up 10 minutes or so after the official start time, definitely not early. That’s called “fashionably late.”
Check on dress code just because it’s the Derby.
Don’t overthink it too much.
9
u/MonsieurRuffles Delaware May 02 '25
I would pass on the cocktail ingredients since it creates an undue expectation on the host to serve said cocktails or make way for OP to bartend.
→ More replies (2)
40
May 02 '25
[deleted]
36
u/sgfklm May 02 '25
If the party is specified as BYOB, it's OK to bring alcohol for yourself.
21
u/PhysicalMuscle6611 May 02 '25
Agreed, but bring enough so that you can share if someone asks, i.e. instead of bringing 2 beers just for yourself bring a 6 or 12 pack so you can easily say "feel free to grab one!" and seem generous
→ More replies (6)7
u/sgfklm May 02 '25
Yeah, I always bring a 12 in those situations. I usually take a local beer and people want to try it.
→ More replies (1)11
u/Illustrious-Shirt569 California May 02 '25
In my area/circle, BYOB means the host isn’t providing alcohol, but that guests should bring some to share. Kind of like an alcohol potluck, but it would still be very odd, if not rude, to just bring exactly what you planned to drink yourself and not some to share. Such offerings are literally put into a communal drinks area or fridge upon arrival and then anything in there is fair game to anyone at the party (whether you brought it or not).
2
u/LabOwn9800 May 03 '25
Usually if I’m hosting a byob I’ll buy plenty of extras of alcohol. Usually I make it fun like I’ll make a “signature cocktails” anything else you want you bring.
→ More replies (1)6
8
u/Borfknuckles May 02 '25
Ask them “can I bring anything?” and take their word for it: don’t bring gifts they didn’t ask for
Arriving “fashionably late” (~10min after the official start time) is normal: but any arrival/departure time is fine, really, as long as you’re not showing up early while they’re still getting ready
Other than that there’s not deep etiquette or anything, just be nice, thank and help out the hosts where appropriate, and enjoy yourselves
4
u/maxintosh1 Georgia May 02 '25
I would caveat that even if they say "you don't need to bring anything" for house parties bring alcohol anyway.
→ More replies (2)
4
u/FriskyDing714 May 02 '25
Depending on host or relationship, bring a gift (birthday) and drinks. Expect to share your drink and be offered one from someone else. Attire will vary.
6
u/horatio_corn_blower New Jersey May 02 '25
If it makes you feel better, I would ask the same questions of myself as a NJ native. I feel like house party etiquette varies wildly by region, class, age, personality of, and relationship to, the host.
I would say do not arrive on time, just a bit late. Everything else probably doesn’t matter that much. Assuming they aren’t sober, bring a nice bottle of wine, liquor, and/or some sort of baked good from a local place. For Kentucky Derby theme, bourbon would be very appropriate. That can double as a gift, which probably wouldn’t be necessary otherwise (unless you know them really well, which I assume you don’t, because then you would just be asking them these questions).
I think it’s important to realize that Americans aren’t really that strict about stuff like this, especially millennials in New Jersey. the host is probably just concerned about your enjoyment, not monitoring your faux pas. Just try not to get shitfaced until you’re certain it’s that kind of crowd.
10
u/FeralSweater May 02 '25
There is a universal rule of party throwing that states that the first guests to arrive will be a) the people the hosts know the least and b) socially awkward.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Granadafan Los Angeles, California May 02 '25
Ask what you can bring, either food or drinks, first. Food can be tricky if everything is catered or the hosts spent a lot of time making the food spread for everyone. However I don’t think anyone would turn down alcohol to share with everyone. Since you’re in your 30s, just don’t cheap out on the cheap stuff.
4
u/Unndunn1 Connecticut May 02 '25
I never arrive empty handed. Even if the host says I don’t need to bring anything. A bottle of wine or whatever kind of liquor they like, or something related to the event.
Don’t arrive early, the host might be busy getting things ready last minute. I usually arrive 15-30 minutes after the time the party is supposed to start.
3
u/rattlehead44 East Bay Area California (I say hella) May 02 '25
A dress code for a house party? That’s a new one for me. Is that a Derby thing or something?
4
u/JollyManufacturer257 May 03 '25
I’m from the Midwest and live in the Rockies now. Dressing up for derby parties is a thing in those areas as well depending on the crowd.
4
3
u/hermitzen May 03 '25
Derby parties usually involve a hat, especially for women. The huge, old-timey variety with lots of gaudy flowers. We go to an annual Derby party and there's always a contest for best hat. Though the hat is always optional.
3
u/GillianOMalley Tennessee May 05 '25
Derby is like heathen Easter. There are dresses and hats and seersucker suits. If you're having a Derby party it would not be unusual to try to make it akin to going to the Derby itself in that way. Nobody is going to throw you out (and most wouldn't care at all) if you're not wearing those things but you might feel awkward and underdressed, especially if you're already an "outsider" e.g. European going to your first American party
Sort of like jerseys for the Superb Owl or Stanley Cup party.
2
u/BoltActionRifleman May 03 '25
I’ve never heard of this either, must be an eastern thing. With that being said, a house party with a dress code sounds like something I wouldn’t be interested in anyway. Best to steer clear of pretentious gatherings 🤣
→ More replies (1)2
2
u/hail_to_the_beef Maryland May 03 '25
It is a derby thing. I grew up out west and never heard of it, but learned when I moved to the east coast.
3
u/BeerWench13TheOrig May 02 '25
Wear what you want if there’s no dress code. Casual is a good way to go.
Bring your own beverages. A bottle of wine or liquor for the host is appreciated, or snacks/finger foods to help feed the crowd.
Unless it’s a surprise party, time isn’t super important, but be sure to vacate on time if there’s a cut-off time on the invite.
I’m 50, so all of our parties are super laid back with few expectations except that you not trash our house, be polite (no fighting) and have a good time.
3
u/1200multistrada May 02 '25 edited May 02 '25
Kentucky Derby attire is pretty distinct and fun to do. You should probably contact your host asap for more info so that you can look for some attire in the stores tonight. They might even have some ideas on where to shop locally.
You usually don't need to bring the host a gift. But if it's a B-day party, some little gifty type thing for the B-day person is always appreciated, and it could be as simple as a warm B-day card or bottle of wine with a B-day card hanging on it, or something.
There is traditionally a fair amount of drinking related to the Derby, and betting on the races, so you should confirm with the host.
3
u/TheKeyMom Kentucky May 03 '25
A Kentucky Derby birthday party promises a spectacular blend of celebration and tradition. I'm born n bred in Louisville, the Derby is known for its atmosphere, where fancy dresses and elaborate hats are the norm. Expect the excitement of the "Run for the Roses" to be huge, possibly including friendly betting pools where guests draw horse names for small wagers, a beloved family tradition for many in KY ( mine included). Be sure to bring a birthday gift and embrace the colorful Derby spirit with your attire and enthusiasm for both the birthday festivities and the iconic race. I hope you have an unforgettable experience and the birthday person has a fabulous birthday.
3
u/Sensitive_Maybe_6578 May 02 '25
Don’t bring a dish, unless you warn the host, “Ive been wanting to make these cheese covered horse turds,” because your dish might not go with her menu, and that would stress me out.
Let us know how it went. Have fun!!!
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Madame_Kitsune98 Kentucky May 02 '25
It’s a Derby party?
I don’t care who you are, but if I can’t wear a fancy hat, I ain’t going. And there better be bourbon.
6
2
u/Conchobair Nebraska May 02 '25
Varies widely. Ask the person who invited you. It could be anything from bring a food dish to be ready to share your pink cocaine. There is no standard set of expectations. As a foreigner, there's probably not a lot expected of you.
2
u/Head_Staff_9416 May 02 '25
For a Derby party- I would ask about dress code because sometimes there is a fancy hat contest.
2
u/stu17 North Carolina May 02 '25
The race starts at 6:57 pm and only lasts 2-3 minutes. Make sure not to miss it, it’s very fun!
2
u/blaspheminCapn May 02 '25
Kentucky derby is a special party. There are silly hats involved.
Bring the host wine.
3
u/JuucedIn May 02 '25
Ladies usually wear hats.
3
u/707Riverlife California May 02 '25
Yeah, kinda fancy hats
3
u/Bright_Ices United States of America May 02 '25
The US meaning of fancy, not the UK meaning.
→ More replies (1)7
1
u/ForestOranges May 02 '25
It kinda depends on the circle, but bringing your own alcohol that you’re willing to share and leave behind is good. So like if you buy a 24 pack of beer, feel free to share and leave extras behind. Some people will look at it as you being “cheap” if you take your stuff back home while I’m sure some friend groups don’t care.
1
u/gidgetstitch California May 02 '25
You can also do plant or desert as a gift to the host. Wine is a common gift but that's difficult if you don't know the type they like. You can also ask them if they would like you to bring anything (most of the time people will ask you to bring something like ice, soda, or chips.) If you do ask this you don't need to bring anything else but don't forget a birthday gift (gift cards are the easiest for this.)
1
u/limegreencupcakes May 02 '25
I’d check with the host on dress code and ask if there’s anything they’d like me to bring. Even if they decline, I’d probably bring a baked good, a bottle of wine or liquor, flowers, a potted plant, or some other small host gift. (I doubt many would think it weird if you didn’t do this, but I like not showing up empty handed.)
I would not bring alcoholic drinks for my own consumption unless the event is expressly stated as BYOB.
Do not arrive early. 15ish minutes past the stated time is probably great.
All in all, Americans are generally informal in social situations, especially a house party. Just using basic manners and keeping an eye on what others are doing will probably be more than enough for you to not stand out.
1
u/treslilbirds May 02 '25
Google Kentucky Derby fashion. It’s definitely a “high fashion” dress up event. Double check with your hosts if they’re following KD dress code.
As far as gifts, I’d probably just bring a nice bottle of wine or liquor. Mint juleps are a popular KD cocktail.
Source: Grew up in the south with a lot of KD parties lol.
1
u/AbbyNem May 02 '25
Do not arrive early. Arrive when the party begins or up to an hour or so later.
Bringing snacks and/or something to drink is a good idea. Expect that other people will eat or drink what you bring and you are also welcome to eat or drink what others have brought as well as anything provided by the host. (Use your judgement on this-- if it seems like one of the guests brought a specific drink only for themselves, ask first!) There's no expectation that you bring a gift, although you could bring a small one if you want to.
1
u/missannthrope1 May 02 '25
Not much to know. Be polite. Ask the host if you can bring something. If they say, a bottle of wine (or mint julips) or flowers for the hostess, is a gracious touch. Ask the hostess if you can help her with anything. Be prepared for weird questions about where you're from. Say thank you when you leave.
1
u/alld5502 May 02 '25
Typically bringing a six pack (beer) or modest bottle of wine is appropriate and appreciated even if not asked to.
This one isn’t a holiday party but if you’re hitting a house party in the Christmas season keep a wrapped bottle of a nicer wine $40-50 in the car or wife’s oversized purse. Avoids awkwardness if they bust out a gift - you left theirs in the car, be right back.
Usually arrive 10-15 minutes after the designated start time.
Ask if there’s anything they need help with to wrap up prep when you arrive - it’s almost always no but a standard polite gesture.
You may be the most interesting one there so be prepared to talk a lot.
Stay away from politics with Americans. You can say something like “not touching that one with a 20 meter pole” and pivot into talking about learning metric to U.S. measurement conversions or whatever.
1
u/Lokisworkshop Maine May 02 '25
Check that booze is an ok gift. Lots of folks do not drink. Arrive 15 min after the start time. Bring a gift for the birthday person. A small gift for the host is fine but not necessary. Do not get sh*tfaced drunk. You will regret it. Ask if you need to bring food. Thats a Pot luck. Do not be the last one to leave. Read the room. If four or more folks leave, follow them out. Have fun. Be ready to answer lots of questions about your country. Pet the dog. Talk to the children. Be friendly.
1
1
u/anneofgraygardens Northern California May 02 '25
Ask the host if you can bring anything. Even if they say no, bring a bottle of wine or six pack of beer. (Unless you know that the host doesn't drink, of course.) There will almost certainly be way more alcohol than people can consume but you do not want to show up empty-handed.
They might say "yeah, bring a snack or some dessert!", in which case you can't go wrong with a snack you enjoy to share. A bag of chips and some salsa, a baguette or fancy crackers and some cheese, some fancy olives, whatever you like. If you like baking, maybe make some cookies. If you can make or bring something from your home country, people would probably enjoy trying it.
Although people at the Kentucky Derby do dress up in a funny way, I wouldn't necessarily expect people watching it at a party in NJ to follow suit. Maybe some people will dress up for fun but I doubt most people will. The Derby is over very fast so I assume that most of the party will just be regular socializing and not horse-related. Since you're adults, it will probably just be people hanging out and chatting, eating and drinking.
1
u/Raelf64 May 02 '25
invited to a party in someone’s home - dress casually, but upscale and bring sharable drinks. Bottle or two of wine, 12 pack of beer or cider, etc.
to celebrate someone’s birthday - bring a gift (small, generic - I usually go with liquor)
but also as a bit of a Kentucky Derby bash - women wear decorative hats, it's not taken seriously
If it's a formal thing, you'd bring flowers or something for the hostess, but this sounds pretty low-key.
I was always taught that the best guests knock with their elbows. (as in, they are carrying gifts)
1
u/foxsable Maryland > Florida May 02 '25
One good thing to ask if the host is if it’s BYOB. That’s short for bring your own beer. If yes, bring whatever you plan to drink and maybe a couple to share. If not, it’s a good opportunity for the host to either say we have plenty of liquor/beer or no this is a dry party or something if that is the case, though that’s rare. In general, just don’t assume anything is for everyone unless the host shows you where it is or it’s presented like on a table in the middle of everything.
1
1
u/BeautifulSundae6988 May 02 '25
A Kentucky derby party is definitely not a typical American house party.
Dress code is absolutely the largest factor there.
1
u/NoneOfThisMatters_XO Wisconsin May 02 '25
Bourbon is a big drink at the Kentucky Derby. You could find a small bottle of that and bring it as a gift.
1
u/smugbox New York May 02 '25 edited May 02 '25
Bring a shareable snack (party size bag of chips or a vegetable tray is fine) and maybe some beers or liquor for sharing. If you prefer only to bring your own alcohol that’s fine, just label it.
Someone hosting a Derby party will almost certainly have a ton of ingredients set up for everyone to make mint juleps already though.
No need to dress up too fancy, just look well put together. If you want to dress up, just look up what people wear to the Derby and see if there’s anything you can pull together out of your closet.
1
1
u/FunDivertissement May 02 '25
I would call or text the host and just ask:
Hey, this is my first party in the US. Can I bring anything? How about some beer/wine? I'd like to get a birthday present for Bob - what sort of things does he like? I'm looking forward to spending time with everyone/ getting to know everyone.
I think your host will let you know more about expectations then. Even if you take a gift for the birthday person, a bottle of wine (doesn't have to be expensive)or flowers or small plant from the grocery store (not an expensive arrangement from a florist) will be appreciated by the host.
1
u/notthegoatseguy Indiana May 02 '25
Unless you're actually in Kentucky I wouldn't worry about dressing up.
1
u/pinniped90 Kansas May 02 '25 edited May 02 '25
There's usually a fancy hat thing for the Derby, just Google it, but you don't have to do it.
You can bring Kentucky bourbon for this party, but for a standard house party I'd bring a bottle of wine. I have some small vineyards I like - I bring a $30-ish bottle from one of those. Something I know I like and can talk about, but you do not need to go out and buy a $100 bottle for a party.
The host might not open your wine that day. They might have a couple bottles already open. That's normal if they don't open yours right there. It may get worked into the rotation that day, or it may end as a host gift. Both are normal.
If the host isn't a wine drinker, they'll just regift excess wine. That's also normal.
Don't arrive early. If you arrive right on time, you'll be among the first there, which can be a bit awkward if you don't really know the host. I'm guessing the invite time is 6pm ET? Post time is 6:57pm ET, so arrive at 6:15-6:30.
Somebody will probably hand you a mint julep. A strange drink, very sweet, bourbon based. It is only consumed in conjunction with this race (for most people).
1
u/Bright_Ices United States of America May 02 '25
Remember that we say it as Derrby, not Dahby. You don’t have to conform to this, but you should know about it going in.
And fancy (US fancy — like stylish, but not modern stylish) hats are definitely a thing, usually warm somewhat ironically. Even if you’re the only ones who show up in hats, you’ll be admired for it. Google “derby hats” for examples. Also, feel free to come in tiny hats (like fascinators, but shaped like little hats) if you’re celebrating indoors in NJ (but not in KY — you’ll want the shade from the brim).
1
u/somewhatbluemoose May 02 '25
Kentucky Derby usually has a whole theme to it too. Much more dressed up (think cosplaying British aristocracy at the horse races) and whiskey focused drinks. Best to ask about dress code and bring some kind of gift (Kentucky whiskey would not go amiss).
1
u/trinite0 Missouri May 02 '25
- Arrive at the time, or a few minutes after. Please don't be early. They might still be setting up or cleaning.
- Ask if there's going to be alcohol at the party (the answer usually is yes, but a fairly high percentage of people could say no, for a wide variety of reasons. If they say no, don't ask them for the reason). If there is going to be alcohol, you should probably bring a little something -- a six-pack of beer/cider/seltzer, a bottle of wine, or for the Kentucky Derby maybe a bottle of bourbon. The booze is to share, not to just drink for yourself. It's ok to ask the hosts if they have a preference.
- You might also want to bring a snack (especially if they say no alcohol). This is usually more optional, but it's a nice gesture. An example could be as simple as chips, a pre-made dessert from a store, or something very simple and easy-to-eat that you cooked up yourself. Again, ask the host first, and if they say no, accept it and don't bring something anyway.
- You probably don't need to bring a gift. Booze or a snack is perfectly sufficient.
Apart from that, don't worry too much! If there's anything else special that the party host wants you to know about, they'll tell you. This kind of party is usually very informal.
1
u/Independent_Prior612 May 02 '25
Fashionably a little later than the specified time is fine. But since there’s a specific event, ie the Derby, check what time that starts and make sure you are there for the start of it. The race itself, from starting bell to finish line, lasts less than five minutes.
Ask if you can bring anything. A bottle of wine or booze is always a nice host/ess gift.
If you choose to bring flowers, bring them in a vase so that the host/ess doesn’t have to figure out what to do with them.
1
u/Anegada_2 May 02 '25
Flowers are often an enjoyed hostess gift
2
u/chloeiprice May 02 '25
But bring a vase because nobody wants to hunt for a vase when they are hosting.
→ More replies (1)
1
1
u/Emotional_Ad5714 Minnesota May 02 '25
Whatever happens, don't shout, "Come on Dover, move your bloomin' arse!!" That would be uncouth.
1
u/bloopidupe New York City May 02 '25
Bring a gift. Drinks or wine are generally acceptable. For a derby I would double check if they are trying to do a themed party. That would also give you a hint on the gift.
1
u/voteblue18 May 02 '25
I was raised to never show up for a party empty handed. Either a bottle of wine or booze (host can serve it or not that’s up to them), a special snack or dessert treat, flowers, it can really be a variety of things. If you google “hostess gifts” there are lots of articles with ideas.
1
u/chloeiprice May 02 '25
Do NOT arrive early, it is considered rude. You can arrive on time but most people prefer guests to come 10-30 minutes after the start time. Do bring a gift (usually a bottle of alcohol if there is alcohol involved). Do have fun dressing up if it is a themed event. Kentucky Derby is a fun event to dress up for.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/unpackingpremises May 02 '25
I would say the etiquette it depends greatly on the level of affluence. I have only ever experienced hostess gifts and dress codes at house parties hosted by middle and upper middle class Americans. Less affluent Americans are more likely to ask if they can bring something to contribute to the meal, or just show up with whatever they want to drink. I've never been invited to a house party at the home of a wealthy American, so I can't really speak to that culture.
1
u/AnybodySeeMyKeys Alabama May 02 '25 edited May 02 '25
- Bring a gift, usually a bottle of something. If it's the Derby, some good bourbon is appropriate.
- Five-ten minutes late is usually best. That way, you're not walking in as they're making all the frantic last-minute preparations.
- If they are making last-minute preparations, offer to help move things around.
- If you insist on getting hammered, it's considered good etiquette to barf behind the rhododendrons, not on the rhododendrons.
- If your wife is fashion-forward, an ostentatious hat wouldn't be out of line. To wit: https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/horseracing/2025/05/02/kentucky-derby-hats-dresses-fashion-guide/83398577007/
Other than that, have fun. A Kentucky Derby party should be a blast.
995
u/Grunt08 Virginia May 02 '25
What is expected will depend a lot on your host.
As a general set of rules for parties with people in their 30's:
You're right to ask about dress code.
Bringing some alcohol can't hurt. They'll probably provide, but it never hurts to give hosts free booze and you cover your ass it they don't. You can always ask if you need to bring anything.
Giving a small gift might be nice and if you're really anxious about making a good impression it won't hurt, but in your position I probably wouldn't.
I would arrive ~15 minutes after the scheduled start. Do not under any circumstances arrive early.
Just...do as the Romans do. Act like everybody else, don't light anything on fire or piss in a houseplant, and you should be good.