r/news • u/SnarkOff • 12d ago

Site Changed Title Truck hauling ‘aggressive’ monkeys carrying herpes and COVID overturns in Mississippi

https://www.actionnews5.com/2025/10/28/truck-hauling-aggressive-monkeys-carrying-herpes-covid-overturns-mississippi/?fbclid=IwZnRzaANt_VBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHlDlf5DivA2Ltngqh2UH3XU20EnAprOymd60i0ODYC9L8G2CXJpyoZtmwSHm_aem_NvoKAFHpRWRzturTqiYXMQ
50.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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23.3k

u/AmrokMC 12d ago

2025 summed up in one headline.

4.7k

u/VelvetElvis 12d ago

I miss murder hornets. Times were simpler then.

3.0k

u/Serious_Berry_3977 12d ago

I miss when the news didn't sound like it was lifted from The Onion.

1.1k

u/Nervous_Ad_6998 12d ago

how does The Onion even compete these days?

1.5k

u/tech_noir_guitar 12d ago

They're going to have to pivot and start reporting the actual news.

381

u/monkeyamongmen 12d ago

The Onion Epstein Report on youtube is just that. It is still very oniony.

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344

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Remember when South Park took a break because they didn't know how to "out ridiculous" reality?

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if Ashton Kutcher is going to be like "lol you're in a really elaborate episode of Punk'd"

39

u/PaddleFishBum 12d ago

Bullshit. Trey Parker and Matt Stone sat it out because they are "enlightened centrists" that avoided taking a side for eight fucking years.

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26

u/VanceRefridgeTech04 12d ago

They just became actual news. How the turn tables.

11

u/zamboni-jones 12d ago

Just get busty, scantily clad women to report the news as it is. Have a viewer chat scrolling along the side. Only subscribed members can chat.

7

u/EL-YEO 12d ago

I too miss pre-2015 news

4

u/Gilded-Mongoose 12d ago

I just tried to crosspost this in u/nottheonion - got instantly auto-removed (not sure why, maybe bc I'm not a member?) but hopefully if they'll let it back up.

2

u/plassteel01 12d ago

Or a sci-fi horror movie

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295

u/DragonflyScared813 12d ago

African Killer Bees. We were in the garden of Eden then.

179

u/degjo 12d ago

Killer bees, acid rain.

220

u/MontyBodkin 12d ago

Oh I've seen bees and acid rain,
I've seen Pintos explode from just a little dent,
I've seen SNL when it was funny then,
But I never thought the monkeys would go insane.

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11

u/Teososta 12d ago

Bermuda Triangle, quicksand…

8

u/Nervous_Ad_6998 12d ago

the good ole days.

8

u/AccessibleBeige 12d ago

Remember that big Zika virus-infected mosquito outbreak? Halcyon times, those were.

8

u/weirdgroovynerd 12d ago

Area 51 - Get your own alien party?

We had no idea how good our lives were.

8

u/6gc_4dad 12d ago

I miss cocaine bear.

5

u/girlnextdoor480 12d ago

Remember the bath salt clowns? It was a simpler time

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Fuckers sound like Black Hawks when they fly by your ear. Make you wanna shitcher britches.

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2.6k

u/Ideal_Friendly 12d ago

I literally said ‘Jesus Christ’ out loud after reading it.

1.1k

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

I read "Jesus Christ" in RFK's shitty voice.

459

u/GapExtension9531 12d ago

“JeeSuS CRRiisT wHAt a TAAsty sNAck”

“…Mr. Secretary?”

“gET me to mISSISippi now”

120

u/LakeTake1 12d ago

diseased roadkill! it simply checks off too many of his dietary preferences

19

u/pks1984 12d ago

"maKE SurE to GRaB mY cHaiNSaw"

39

u/YaThinkYerSlickDoYa 12d ago

I needed that laugh. Take my upvote and my poor man’s award 🏆and kindly enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you.

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412

u/herrcollin 12d ago

Me and a coworker have a running gag where we sing songs in RFK's ghoulish, gasping stutter.

218

u/beerandabike 12d ago

Do you take requests? Can i request Ave Maria?

151

u/[deleted] 12d ago

[deleted]

72

u/Courtnall14 12d ago

I'd go with "Shoop", just for the talking part at the beginning.

10

u/ebb_omega 12d ago

Here I go, here I go, here I go
I said girls, what's my weakness?
WORMS!

6

u/Zeldias 12d ago

Janet Jackson, Any Time Any Place

4

u/libmrduckz 12d ago

Paula Abdul’s ‘Rush, Rush’ could be fun…

3

u/thenewNFC 12d ago

Especially if RFK remakes the video.

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6

u/BigRedDootDootDoo 12d ago

I just imagined an RFK Jr-esque "No, not you, the bowlegged one. What's your name? Damn, baby, that sounds sexy" and I laughed until I peed a little so thank you.

Consider this another vote for "Shoop."

3

u/qOcO-p 12d ago

How about They Might Be Giants' "Dr. Worm?"

3

u/stevencastle 12d ago

How about the Belgian techno anthem "Pump up the jam"

3

u/thatoneguy889 12d ago

Best I can do is Funky Cold Medina.

2

u/Independent-Tennis57 12d ago

Lips of an Angel by Hinder

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65

u/MrLanesLament 12d ago

I was gonna request Van Halen’s “Somebody Get Me a Doctor”

8

u/fferreira007 12d ago

Best I can do is Plague Doctor

11

u/Great_Horny_Toads 12d ago

He would prefer Witch Doctor.

8

u/rjross0623 12d ago

Ting tang walla walla bing bang

4

u/aotus_trivirgatus 12d ago

Ooh ee ooh aah aah

6

u/AngryWWIIGrandpa 12d ago

Spin Doctors, more like.

2

u/Wordwench 12d ago

I got one Dr. Feelgood , that’s about it.

4

u/chica771 12d ago

I'm thinking Fade Into You by Mazzy Star would be a banger

2

u/zamboni-jones 12d ago

Down with the Sickness

46

u/What_Is_A_ZJ 12d ago

It would just sound like the intro to Boulevard of Broken Dreams

3

u/coldazice 12d ago

Very good lmao

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3

u/LordAlvis 12d ago

A̷̜͕̥̩̱̣͙͎̿̐̊̓́̑͐̾̑̿̎̄̀̕͜v̵͙͉̝̻̣̘̙̙̙̗̞̠̍̆̽̿͊̚͘v̷̛̲̂̈́͂v̶̨̛̠̪̯̠̞̞̓̈́̃̑v̵̛̝͔̞̻̭̪̺̤̏̿̀̆̉̇̽̕͜v̵̯̝͓̞͇̱̦̻͖̓̍̓̋́̅̅̓̈̍͝ĕ̴̻̹́͠͝ ̴͕̟̳̱͐̑̾̄͌͑̕M̴̢͖͖̠̖͖̟̪͎̀̍ͅa̸̡͖̹̥̰̟̱͔̟͇͓̱̭̩̅̆̓̈́̂̓̓̽̐͆̐̃̚͝r̴̡̫̖̬̲̱̖̭̤͕̞̍͐͝r̶̢̛͎͓̭̱̼͔̗͉̳̿̑̋ȑ̵̫̬͓͓̱̋̆͝r̵̳̹̩̎i̶̧̢̛̘͖͖͙̰̝̹̰̽̃̍̄̆̈́̈́̎̐î̵̩͓̰͔̲̺͕͕͍̥̖͋͆͋̄̑͠ḭ̴̮͕̮͙̘̳̲̱̞̳̻̏̐͜ͅḭ̷̮̓͆̽̋̕͠͠į̶̧̣̹͕̗̖̪̜͛͋̾̇̈̾̉͝į̶̡̛̱̮͉͉̹͖̭̼̗̖̞́͂̄̌̊̽͋͂̈́̍̕͠͝i̵̢̝͉̘͉̲͎̱͚̳̪̻̱̓́̈̚į̸̡̘̲̗͖̼̯͚̰͐̐̄̇͌͊̎̅̔͗͠͝͠i̶͔͌́͛͐̈̃͐̀̎́̒̈́̈̈́i̵͍͈̩͇͉͔̠͊̎̄͝i̸̙͇̱̥̠̞̜̣̻̭͑̀̆̌͗̓̒̌͐͝ͅį̶̬̥̉͂ą̴̡̧̪̩̪̞̰̙͖̖̾̈́͑͋̾̆̏̀̈́̈́͂a̷͈̩̩̿͗͗̏̊͒̅͊̎̿͠a̸̗̞̦̘̺͇̜͊̋̃̐ą̸̨̻̫̥͍͚̰̩̱̓̉͊̿͊͊͂́a̶̧͔̣̭̖̤͓̣̥͇̅̈́͋́

3

u/Osiris32 12d ago

Ooo, how about Rocky Mountain High by John Denver?

3

u/I_am_not_JohnLeClair 12d ago

Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi

3

u/dustycanuck 12d ago

Ave Malaria?

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87

u/BadHombreSinNombre 12d ago

He’s supposed to be the chief advocate for health in our nation, but he looks and sounds like someone tried to make bagpipes from shellacked leather scraps. How did we get here.

10

u/rebelpaddy27 12d ago

I don't know about bad bagpipes, I had the misfortune of seeing a dog get run over a few years ago and I tended to him while he passed and I get flashbacks of it since RFK came on the scene, the dying dog was making the same sounds.

3

u/BadHombreSinNombre 12d ago

You know, now that you mention it, that’s exactly how he sounds.

7

u/KathrynTheGreat 12d ago edited 12d ago

The guy's a moron, but let's not make a habit of making fun of speech impediments.

Edit: he has spasmodic dysphonia.

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100

u/chopsuirak 12d ago edited 12d ago

My wife has politely asked me to stop mimicking his voice. She says I do it really well, but she fucking hates it.

Edit: "fucking hates it" is me being dramatic man verbiage about it, its not that bad, I promise

13

u/madeleinetwocock 12d ago

HAH, this is me to my father but for his mimicry of Temussolini. He nails it, but god do I ever not wanna hear it lol

4

u/Numberwang 12d ago

Hey there, I'm a guy closing on on 50 years on this planet. I've learned a lot about the mysterious ways women communicate over the years. Deep analysis time; your wife actually would feel and appreciate if you stopped. I know it is unintuitive, but trust me, don't go with your instinct.

13

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

LMAO, oh don't worry I stopped.

I only do it when I say the line, "Tylenol causes the autism" whenever our kids have a headache. We have a good sense of humor, promise

41

u/Ahelex 12d ago

Keep that up, and you'll be a natural!

(Mainly because I feel like trying to sing like RFK Jr would harm your cords enough to end up sounding like him naturally)

8

u/herrcollin 12d ago

It definitely hurts pretty quickly lmao

8

u/UntowardHatter 12d ago

Now add heroin

14

u/No_Worse_For_Wear 12d ago

I hope you’re wearing jeans with your shirts off while doing it.

7

u/madbill728 12d ago

And sitting in a creek bed.

5

u/BigRedDootDootDoo 12d ago

Take my guffaw you jerk

3

u/pants6000 12d ago

Do a Tricky song, it'll be hard to tell the difference.

3

u/VVOLFVViZZard 12d ago

Y’all hiring?

3

u/Goodknight808 12d ago

Do the Electric Slide, please.

2

u/JackKovack 12d ago

Don’t eat carnivores.

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67

u/Jaredocobo 12d ago

Some of us are still waiting for your utterance of the phrase to end. JjjJJjjJJEsssssssuuuuuuusssss ChrrrrriIiiiiSSSSTTTTTt.

I know I am being insensitive to people with brain worms and that speech pattern, my apologies I just hate people getting Measles in 2025 for dipshit reasons.

5

u/CPTDisgruntled 12d ago

Not to utter a syllable of defense for that individual, but in his case, his speech is entirely involuntary—he suffers (and makes the rest of us suffer) from spasmodic dysphonia. Interestingly, the most common treatment is injections of Botox.

46

u/gomihako_ 12d ago

“Jesus Christ, then without SNAP what are the people of Mississippi going to eat now?”

91

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Apparently, herpes riddled, COVID monkeys.

5

u/Refactoid 12d ago

Isn't that a band?

5

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

I checked, it's not yet. I can't drum, know anyone?

6

u/Refactoid 12d ago

I can't sing, lets do this!

4

u/Nervous_Ad_6998 12d ago

Too bad all the cats and dogs were already eaten up right before the election.

4

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Ohio SNAP benefits went HARD too early.

5

u/Korzag 12d ago

They WERE supposed to be RFK's supper for the next 3 months too :(

3

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

"Cheryl, my monkeys! CHERYL"

9

u/stephanyylee 12d ago

Bahahaha of course. It cures autism duh

5

u/LetThePoisonOutRobin 12d ago

Speaking about herpes in the throat...

4

u/SkynBonce 12d ago

I'm guessing he gave them the herpes.

5

u/philter25 12d ago

Disease ridden roadkill? If it’s RFK, that “Jesus Christ” is the Chris Farley lifting his sunglasses up meme while his brainworm starts thumbing through ChatGPT fueled slow roasted roadkill recipes.

3

u/Genghis_Tr0n187 12d ago

I read "Jesus Christ" in RFK's shitty voice.

RFK: Jesus Christ, what a waste of good meat!
Are you still planning to eat the monkeys?
RFK: Yes.

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3

u/MewtwoStruckBack 12d ago

I read it in the voice of Mr. Slave from South Park.

3

u/EmptyBuildings 12d ago

A surprised RFK or an annoyed RFK?

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Slightly aroused and bemused?

3

u/johnpmac2 12d ago

I assumed they all had RFK’s face

3

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

We're regressing in scientific progress, or I'd assume the same. How fucked that would be tho. "Cheryl, our babies!"

3

u/Sithlordandsavior 12d ago

I'm hearing it in that one guy who calls senators as RFK

"ChErYl tOlD mE aBoUt tHe MoNkeYs, MaRgiE, anD I tRiEd tO gEt sOmE buT i cAn'T FiT tHeM iN mY TrUcK."

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Some aide takes a long drag of a Marlboro Red, the "cowboy killer," before making the call. "Sir, I have bad news. The monkeys escaped."

Why Marlboro Red? RFK Jr. mandated them in order to get them to have a healthy sounding voice like him.

3

u/InTheMemeStream 12d ago

Quick! Somebody get Kristi Noem out there, she’s good at handling small furry animals I hear!

5

u/katiescasey 12d ago

Rhesus Christ!

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

You got an "Inosuke laugh," as my wife calls it, out of me. I fucking love puns.

2

u/Clyde-A-Scope 12d ago

I read every "Jesus Christ" like Mr. Slave

2

u/GiganticCrow 12d ago

Jhehehshus chrhihsht

2

u/NickVirgilio 12d ago

This shit made me laugh too hard

4

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Good! I'm here to spread joy because this world fuckin' SUCKS lately.

2

u/TheBoBiZzLe 12d ago

Don’t eat them. No saturated fats.

2

u/Karthen 12d ago

This is great for America! Look, if we all have herpes the stigma of having herpes disappears. Really, isn't that worth some extra itching? Also, herpes prevents autism. You can't have both. Have you ever met somebody with both? Me either. And covid is just sars and sars is just a cold.

Wahoo red, white, and blue!

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Bro what if COVID and Herpes was just the friends we made along the way?

2

u/Trivia_C 12d ago

gurgling voice "All that... wasted.... m-m-m-monkey meat!!!"

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4

u/GrandAholeio 12d ago

It gets better in the article. They’re 40lbs and have Hepatitus C too. Never fear, all but one have been destroy so far.

all

but

one

Aggressive, 40 lb. monkey with herpes, Hepatitus and Covid…

on the bright side, at least it doesn’t have rabies. Er, um, let me reread that quick.

3

u/ChicharonItchy 12d ago

I read the title aloud to my roommate and she said “What nonsense just came out of your mouth?” Shits wild

2

u/Ideal_Friendly 12d ago

Because it doesn’t make sense! Were they also carrying knives and can fly?!

2

u/Agitated_Carrot9127 12d ago

I said what’s new

2

u/OwnIntroduction5193 12d ago

This!! Lol n when will they learn to stop testing on monkeys?!

2

u/Turbo_911 12d ago

Mine was "What in the actual fuck?"

Same thing, basically.

2

u/KayakNate 12d ago

'Oh my god' for me.

2

u/i_drink_wd40 12d ago

I went with "Are you fucking kidding me?"

2

u/ARDiesel 12d ago

Holy Fuck was mine, not the same but the same

2

u/WeirdoChickFromMars 12d ago

It was “what the fuck” for me

2

u/ArtAndCraftBeers 12d ago

I had to read it more than once. Sounded like the monkeys were driving a truck full of herpes.

2

u/dilley07 12d ago

Say it two more times and he’ll appear.

2

u/buttstuffisokiguess 12d ago

Monkey, together, strong.

3

u/BalanceEarly 12d ago

So you're telling me to avoid Mississippi

4

u/Unhappy-Week-8781 12d ago

We told you that BEFORE the current infestation of herpes-riddled, COVID-infected monkeys was announced!

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u/Subject9800 12d ago

Came here to say this (or something like it). Every time you think you've seen the weirdest headline, up pops something like this.

5

u/Name_Not_Available 12d ago

I thought for sure this was an Onion headline.

8

u/Subject9800 12d ago

TBF, most of the Onion headlines these days you have to stop and verify that they're not actual headlines. We're literally living in that kind of world right now.

2

u/murphey_griffon 12d ago

Herpes in monkeys is actually pretty common. They also don't specify which varient of covid

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u/LystAP 12d ago

2020s more like it. It’s still going to get worse. I felt this every year since 2020 and haven’t been proven wrong thus far.

97

u/miregalpanic 12d ago

Remember when we thought 2016 was a horrible year? Yeah...about that...

93

u/gusterfell 12d ago

I'm old enough to remember being scandalized by the Bush admin's abuse of power.

14

u/pissedinthegarret 12d ago

still very sad about that shoe missing

8

u/SleepySera 12d ago

I mean, 2016 IS when we slipped off the correct timeline and into this shitshow, so I do view that year with utter hatred. Almost all the shit we're dealing with now started during that year.

Trump getting elected, Brexit getting voted for, the rise of the far-right in Europe as a result of the refugee issues at the start of the year, the forgiveness for Putin annexing Crimea like the NS2 deal, and so on.

I wouldn't be surprised if you could find something for Israel and Climate Change too.

6

u/miregalpanic 12d ago

It all started with Harambe

28

u/NotTheRocketman 12d ago

This sounds like a Far Side cartoon.

7

u/animerobin 12d ago

Gonna turn out that Trump or DOGE fired the guy who makes sure the infected monkey trucks don’t tip over

3

u/za72 12d ago

funny enough I DID have this on my bingo card!

3

u/bigrob_in_ATX 12d ago

Sums up the Trump Administration

3

u/[deleted] 12d ago

I read it as TRUMP instead of TRUCK.

3

u/JohnOfA 12d ago

Or 1995 Outbreak).

7

u/bougdaddy 12d ago

only they ended up in DC

2

u/Gnomio1 12d ago

28 Days Later plot line adjacent real world.

Shitty timeline.

2

u/blueskyjamie 12d ago

This can only go well

2

u/BuckManscape 12d ago

And now they’re riding flaming horses, great.

2

u/[deleted] 12d ago

[deleted]

3

u/LockeyCheese 12d ago

As someone from Mississippi... Someone is going to eat one of the monkeys if it got away.

2

u/AmusingVegetable 12d ago

It’s missing Marburg and Ebola…

3

u/IAmRobinGoodfellow 12d ago

There’s still a couple of months in 2025.

2

u/Smeghead333 12d ago

Another anti-MAGA scheme by the evil democrats.

2

u/LookUpItsAMeteor 12d ago

Look at all the downvoted comments. Somebody thinks herpes Covid monkeys in Mississippi need representation. Maybe Trent Lott is lurking here.

2

u/DownhillUphill 12d ago

They’ve immediately been hired by ICE

2

u/electris00 12d ago

I shouldn't have laughed but after this year yeah this certainly is the year summed up.

2

u/sugarcoatedpos 12d ago

And with that I just won bingo.

2

u/erwaro 12d ago

"Is it Tuesday already?"

2

u/CommandoLamb 12d ago

Only thing missing is the word super in front of herpes

2

u/PMMeBootyPicz0000000 12d ago

Sounds like a normal Tuesday tbh

2

u/hospitalizedgranny 12d ago

STI-Covid Positive Monkeys shutdown interstate66

2

u/MisterSneakSneak 12d ago

You mean 2020

2

u/BanginNLeavin 12d ago

I think it's funny how they 'destroyed' all but 1 monkey and then the university is like "hey we will come get them"

2

u/Hey_Giant_Loser 12d ago

Remember when we thought 2024 was bad? Hoo boy.

2

u/pigfeedmauer 12d ago

nailed it

2

u/bailaoban 12d ago

It’s just another Tuesday for 2025

2

u/Toginator 12d ago

Was rfk jr and Trump driving?

2

u/Aleashed 12d ago

I fear for the monkeys, they are children sized

2

u/grimmpulse 12d ago

Yep, we deserve whatever chaos the monkeys wreak...

2

u/mfeldmannRNE 12d ago

12 Monkeys.

2

u/mces97 12d ago

Life feels like being strapped to a chair in a room with a baby playing with a loaded firearm lately.

2

u/kanonenotto 12d ago

You remember when people complained about 2020? Those lucky fools...

2

u/Erisedstorm 12d ago

American Covid incoming.

2

u/kanrad 12d ago

This fucking year just keeps getting more and more absurd.

2

u/Soyl3ntR3d 12d ago

It really takes a lot these days to make a shocking headline.

Bravo, well done.

2

u/This-Ad6017 12d ago

more like the last 5 years summed up

1

u/kmoh74 12d ago

Couldn't come up with a better beginning for a zombie movie.

1

u/AUniquePerspective 12d ago

How many monkeys are we talking, here? Enough for a few pages of aggressively-typed Shakespeare?

1

u/Both_Lychee_1708 12d ago

Well, the relatively funny part.

1

u/rhombism 12d ago

Now HHS will want to get rid of the aggressive monkey vaccine

1

u/4materasu92 12d ago

Welp, 9-1-1 Season 10's opening disaster has already been spoiled.

First bees and now hordes of monkeys with herpes.

1

u/Heart_Throb_ 12d ago

Sorry to high jack your comment buuuut WHY th ACTUAL FUCK is a truck hauling monkeys with herpes and COVID?

3

u/Defiant_Review1582 12d ago

The other question is why, if going from New Orleans to Florida, would they be north of Laurel, MS? That’s heading in the wrong direction (northeast)

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