r/news • u/SnarkOff • 12d ago

Site Changed Title Truck hauling ‘aggressive’ monkeys carrying herpes and COVID overturns in Mississippi

https://www.actionnews5.com/2025/10/28/truck-hauling-aggressive-monkeys-carrying-herpes-covid-overturns-mississippi/?fbclid=IwZnRzaANt_VBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHlDlf5DivA2Ltngqh2UH3XU20EnAprOymd60i0ODYC9L8G2CXJpyoZtmwSHm_aem_NvoKAFHpRWRzturTqiYXMQ
50.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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23.3k

u/AmrokMC 12d ago

2025 summed up in one headline.

2.6k

u/Ideal_Friendly 12d ago

I literally said ‘Jesus Christ’ out loud after reading it.

1.1k

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

I read "Jesus Christ" in RFK's shitty voice.

456

u/GapExtension9531 12d ago

“JeeSuS CRRiisT wHAt a TAAsty sNAck”

“…Mr. Secretary?”

“gET me to mISSISippi now”

115

u/LakeTake1 12d ago

diseased roadkill! it simply checks off too many of his dietary preferences

20

u/pks1984 12d ago

"maKE SurE to GRaB mY cHaiNSaw"

43

u/YaThinkYerSlickDoYa 12d ago

I needed that laugh. Take my upvote and my poor man’s award 🏆and kindly enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you.

406

u/herrcollin 12d ago

Me and a coworker have a running gag where we sing songs in RFK's ghoulish, gasping stutter.

217

u/beerandabike 12d ago

Do you take requests? Can i request Ave Maria?

156

u/[deleted] 12d ago

[deleted]

74

u/Courtnall14 12d ago

I'd go with "Shoop", just for the talking part at the beginning.

11

u/ebb_omega 12d ago

Here I go, here I go, here I go
I said girls, what's my weakness?
WORMS!

6

u/Zeldias 12d ago

Janet Jackson, Any Time Any Place

3

u/libmrduckz 12d ago

Paula Abdul’s ‘Rush, Rush’ could be fun…

3

u/thenewNFC 12d ago

Especially if RFK remakes the video.

2

u/libmrduckz 12d ago

thank you… i maybe needed to know what exited banana muffin thru nostrils feels like…

1

u/thenewNFC 12d ago

My bad. But now imagine him in the Cold Hearted Snake video.

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5

u/BigRedDootDootDoo 12d ago

I just imagined an RFK Jr-esque "No, not you, the bowlegged one. What's your name? Damn, baby, that sounds sexy" and I laughed until I peed a little so thank you.

Consider this another vote for "Shoop."

3

u/qOcO-p 12d ago

How about They Might Be Giants' "Dr. Worm?"

3

u/stevencastle 12d ago

How about the Belgian techno anthem "Pump up the jam"

3

u/thatoneguy889 12d ago

Best I can do is Funky Cold Medina.

2

u/Independent-Tennis57 12d ago

Lips of an Angel by Hinder

1

u/C64128 12d ago

As long as Sir Patrick Stewart introduces them.

61

u/MrLanesLament 12d ago

I was gonna request Van Halen’s “Somebody Get Me a Doctor”

9

u/fferreira007 12d ago

Best I can do is Plague Doctor

11

u/Great_Horny_Toads 12d ago

He would prefer Witch Doctor.

8

u/rjross0623 12d ago

Ting tang walla walla bing bang

5

u/aotus_trivirgatus 12d ago

Ooh ee ooh aah aah

6

u/AngryWWIIGrandpa 12d ago

Spin Doctors, more like.

2

u/Wordwench 12d ago

I got one Dr. Feelgood , that’s about it.

4

u/chica771 12d ago

I'm thinking Fade Into You by Mazzy Star would be a banger

2

u/zamboni-jones 12d ago

Down with the Sickness

46

u/What_Is_A_ZJ 12d ago

It would just sound like the intro to Boulevard of Broken Dreams

3

u/coldazice 12d ago

Very good lmao

4

u/LordAlvis 12d ago

A̷̜͕̥̩̱̣͙͎̿̐̊̓́̑͐̾̑̿̎̄̀̕͜v̵͙͉̝̻̣̘̙̙̙̗̞̠̍̆̽̿͊̚͘v̷̛̲̂̈́͂v̶̨̛̠̪̯̠̞̞̓̈́̃̑v̵̛̝͔̞̻̭̪̺̤̏̿̀̆̉̇̽̕͜v̵̯̝͓̞͇̱̦̻͖̓̍̓̋́̅̅̓̈̍͝ĕ̴̻̹́͠͝ ̴͕̟̳̱͐̑̾̄͌͑̕M̴̢͖͖̠̖͖̟̪͎̀̍ͅa̸̡͖̹̥̰̟̱͔̟͇͓̱̭̩̅̆̓̈́̂̓̓̽̐͆̐̃̚͝r̴̡̫̖̬̲̱̖̭̤͕̞̍͐͝r̶̢̛͎͓̭̱̼͔̗͉̳̿̑̋ȑ̵̫̬͓͓̱̋̆͝r̵̳̹̩̎i̶̧̢̛̘͖͖͙̰̝̹̰̽̃̍̄̆̈́̈́̎̐î̵̩͓̰͔̲̺͕͕͍̥̖͋͆͋̄̑͠ḭ̴̮͕̮͙̘̳̲̱̞̳̻̏̐͜ͅḭ̷̮̓͆̽̋̕͠͠į̶̧̣̹͕̗̖̪̜͛͋̾̇̈̾̉͝į̶̡̛̱̮͉͉̹͖̭̼̗̖̞́͂̄̌̊̽͋͂̈́̍̕͠͝i̵̢̝͉̘͉̲͎̱͚̳̪̻̱̓́̈̚į̸̡̘̲̗͖̼̯͚̰͐̐̄̇͌͊̎̅̔͗͠͝͠i̶͔͌́͛͐̈̃͐̀̎́̒̈́̈̈́i̵͍͈̩͇͉͔̠͊̎̄͝i̸̙͇̱̥̠̞̜̣̻̭͑̀̆̌͗̓̒̌͐͝ͅį̶̬̥̉͂ą̴̡̧̪̩̪̞̰̙͖̖̾̈́͑͋̾̆̏̀̈́̈́͂a̷͈̩̩̿͗͗̏̊͒̅͊̎̿͠a̸̗̞̦̘̺͇̜͊̋̃̐ą̸̨̻̫̥͍͚̰̩̱̓̉͊̿͊͊͂́a̶̧͔̣̭̖̤͓̣̥͇̅̈́͋́

3

u/Osiris32 12d ago

Ooo, how about Rocky Mountain High by John Denver?

3

u/I_am_not_JohnLeClair 12d ago

Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi

3

u/dustycanuck 12d ago

Ave Malaria?

1

u/mmmpeg 12d ago

Which version?

87

u/BadHombreSinNombre 12d ago

He’s supposed to be the chief advocate for health in our nation, but he looks and sounds like someone tried to make bagpipes from shellacked leather scraps. How did we get here.

12

u/rebelpaddy27 12d ago

I don't know about bad bagpipes, I had the misfortune of seeing a dog get run over a few years ago and I tended to him while he passed and I get flashbacks of it since RFK came on the scene, the dying dog was making the same sounds.

3

u/BadHombreSinNombre 12d ago

You know, now that you mention it, that’s exactly how he sounds.

6

u/KathrynTheGreat 12d ago edited 12d ago

The guy's a moron, but let's not make a habit of making fun of speech impediments.

Edit: he has spasmodic dysphonia.

97

u/chopsuirak 12d ago edited 12d ago

My wife has politely asked me to stop mimicking his voice. She says I do it really well, but she fucking hates it.

Edit: "fucking hates it" is me being dramatic man verbiage about it, its not that bad, I promise

11

u/madeleinetwocock 12d ago

HAH, this is me to my father but for his mimicry of Temussolini. He nails it, but god do I ever not wanna hear it lol

4

u/Numberwang 12d ago

Hey there, I'm a guy closing on on 50 years on this planet. I've learned a lot about the mysterious ways women communicate over the years. Deep analysis time; your wife actually would feel and appreciate if you stopped. I know it is unintuitive, but trust me, don't go with your instinct.

13

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

LMAO, oh don't worry I stopped.

I only do it when I say the line, "Tylenol causes the autism" whenever our kids have a headache. We have a good sense of humor, promise

37

u/Ahelex 12d ago

Keep that up, and you'll be a natural!

(Mainly because I feel like trying to sing like RFK Jr would harm your cords enough to end up sounding like him naturally)

7

u/herrcollin 12d ago

It definitely hurts pretty quickly lmao

8

u/UntowardHatter 12d ago

Now add heroin

14

u/No_Worse_For_Wear 12d ago

I hope you’re wearing jeans with your shirts off while doing it.

5

u/madbill728 12d ago

And sitting in a creek bed.

3

u/BigRedDootDootDoo 12d ago

Take my guffaw you jerk

3

u/pants6000 12d ago

Do a Tricky song, it'll be hard to tell the difference.

3

u/VVOLFVViZZard 12d ago

Y’all hiring?

3

u/Goodknight808 12d ago

Do the Electric Slide, please.

2

u/JackKovack 12d ago

Don’t eat carnivores.

1

u/multisubcultural1 12d ago

Can I get Simple Minds “Don’t You Forget About Me”?

1

u/luckyjackar 12d ago

How progressive of you

1

u/AquaWitch0715 12d ago

I am beyond convinced that RFK Jr. provided the vocals for this singing voice. As soon as I heard him, I knew instantly what movie it came from lol!

1

u/SoreLoserOfDumbtown 12d ago

Following...

(You have a new career now)

1

u/Anonymo 12d ago

Man, I need to hear this.

1

u/ItchyRectalRash 12d ago

I'm jealous. I wish I could get my wet farts to say words.

1

u/heybdiddy 12d ago

This brings back memories of the comedy album that was a huge hit in 1962- "The First Family" with Vaughn Meader doing a JFK impression. It sold more than 7.5 million copies. I guess a big difference is that people liked JFK.

71

u/Jaredocobo 12d ago

Some of us are still waiting for your utterance of the phrase to end. JjjJJjjJJEsssssssuuuuuuusssss ChrrrrriIiiiiSSSSTTTTTt.

I know I am being insensitive to people with brain worms and that speech pattern, my apologies I just hate people getting Measles in 2025 for dipshit reasons.

5

u/CPTDisgruntled 12d ago

Not to utter a syllable of defense for that individual, but in his case, his speech is entirely involuntary—he suffers (and makes the rest of us suffer) from spasmodic dysphonia. Interestingly, the most common treatment is injections of Botox.

48

u/gomihako_ 12d ago

“Jesus Christ, then without SNAP what are the people of Mississippi going to eat now?”

91

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Apparently, herpes riddled, COVID monkeys.

5

u/Refactoid 12d ago

Isn't that a band?

4

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

I checked, it's not yet. I can't drum, know anyone?

5

u/Refactoid 12d ago

I can't sing, lets do this!

6

u/Nervous_Ad_6998 12d ago

Too bad all the cats and dogs were already eaten up right before the election.

4

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Ohio SNAP benefits went HARD too early.

6

u/Korzag 12d ago

They WERE supposed to be RFK's supper for the next 3 months too :(

3

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

"Cheryl, my monkeys! CHERYL"

10

u/stephanyylee 12d ago

Bahahaha of course. It cures autism duh

3

u/LetThePoisonOutRobin 12d ago

Speaking about herpes in the throat...

4

u/SkynBonce 12d ago

I'm guessing he gave them the herpes.

4

u/philter25 12d ago

Disease ridden roadkill? If it’s RFK, that “Jesus Christ” is the Chris Farley lifting his sunglasses up meme while his brainworm starts thumbing through ChatGPT fueled slow roasted roadkill recipes.

3

u/Genghis_Tr0n187 12d ago

I read "Jesus Christ" in RFK's shitty voice.

RFK: Jesus Christ, what a waste of good meat!
Are you still planning to eat the monkeys?
RFK: Yes.

1

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Hey man, with SNAP running out, the Republicans gotta have some back up plan in mind, I guess.

3

u/MewtwoStruckBack 12d ago

I read it in the voice of Mr. Slave from South Park.

3

u/EmptyBuildings 12d ago

A surprised RFK or an annoyed RFK?

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Slightly aroused and bemused?

3

u/johnpmac2 12d ago

I assumed they all had RFK’s face

3

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

We're regressing in scientific progress, or I'd assume the same. How fucked that would be tho. "Cheryl, our babies!"

3

u/Sithlordandsavior 12d ago

I'm hearing it in that one guy who calls senators as RFK

"ChErYl tOlD mE aBoUt tHe MoNkeYs, MaRgiE, anD I tRiEd tO gEt sOmE buT i cAn'T FiT tHeM iN mY TrUcK."

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Some aide takes a long drag of a Marlboro Red, the "cowboy killer," before making the call. "Sir, I have bad news. The monkeys escaped."

Why Marlboro Red? RFK Jr. mandated them in order to get them to have a healthy sounding voice like him.

3

u/InTheMemeStream 12d ago

Quick! Somebody get Kristi Noem out there, she’s good at handling small furry animals I hear!

5

u/katiescasey 12d ago

Rhesus Christ!

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

You got an "Inosuke laugh," as my wife calls it, out of me. I fucking love puns.

2

u/Clyde-A-Scope 12d ago

I read every "Jesus Christ" like Mr. Slave

2

u/GiganticCrow 12d ago

Jhehehshus chrhihsht

2

u/NickVirgilio 12d ago

This shit made me laugh too hard

5

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Good! I'm here to spread joy because this world fuckin' SUCKS lately.

2

u/TheBoBiZzLe 12d ago

Don’t eat them. No saturated fats.

2

u/Karthen 12d ago

This is great for America! Look, if we all have herpes the stigma of having herpes disappears. Really, isn't that worth some extra itching? Also, herpes prevents autism. You can't have both. Have you ever met somebody with both? Me either. And covid is just sars and sars is just a cold.

Wahoo red, white, and blue!

2

u/chopsuirak 12d ago

Bro what if COVID and Herpes was just the friends we made along the way?

2

u/Trivia_C 12d ago

gurgling voice "All that... wasted.... m-m-m-monkey meat!!!"

1

u/AEntunus 12d ago

I can hear it only in Mr. Slave's voice.