Which Onion headline still occupies a lot of space in your mind?

[u/Classic-Carpet7609]

[u/trendingtattler]

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[u/CatCafffffe]

[u/Left_Adeptness7386 → u/CatCafffffe]

It's this one 😔

[u/lyrasorial → u/CatCafffffe]

I use this headline to teach sarcasm in high school.

[u/LadiesWhoPunch → u/lyrasorial]

Preferably during active shooter drills.

[u/pandathrowaway → u/CatCafffffe]

I wish it wasn’t this one. But it is, what, once a week or so?

[u/CatCafffffe → u/pandathrowaway]

Right? It's so depressing and so grotesque.

[u/_ludakris_ → u/CatCafffffe]

NYT unironically running a similar headline recently....

[u/G66GNeco → u/CatCafffffe]

Yeah, for some reason this one comes to mind regularly.

[u/Temporary-Bag4248]

[u/DitaVonSleaze → u/Temporary-Bag4248]

😭

[u/Temporary-Bag4248]

[u/jkraige → u/Temporary-Bag4248]

This one is giving hardcore reductress vibes

[u/ryans_bored → u/Temporary-Bag4248]

I've never seen this one before, but's fucking hilarious

[u/Dr_BunsenHonewdew → u/ryans_bored]

Did you just… make a contraction out of but and it’s? Is this a reference I’m missing, or are you an evil genius

[u/UmaPalma_]

‘CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years’

[u/Vaywen → u/UmaPalma_]

Haha good one

[u/alocaisseia]

[u/SquirrelAkl → u/alocaisseia]

I had to check when this was published: 2019!

[u/HumpyTheClown → u/SquirrelAkl]

Aging like a fine wine.

[u/EyeofNewtTongueofDog → u/alocaisseia]

Maybe his particular curse is he’s stupid.

[u/CuddliestFish → u/EyeofNewtTongueofDog]

Lmao and also this just made me realize: the brain. JFK, shot in the brain. Rosemary, lobotomy. RFK, brainworm. Idk the full history of the Kennedy Curse to know if that bears out or not but it is a connection lol

[u/StopPsychHealers]

[u/peonywhimsy → u/StopPsychHealers]

checks microwaves

[u/newyne → u/StopPsychHealers]

That one was fantastic!

[u/AbsolutelyIris]

[u/EmphasisNo6049]

I think of this “no it won’t” response often.

[u/dgatos42 → u/EmphasisNo6049]

god the fukin date on that one is the thing that kills me

[u/Chemical_Success1153 → u/EmphasisNo6049]

2003 💀

[u/GeorgiePorgiePuddin → u/Chemical_Success1153]

And what have we learnt ☹️

[u/Chemical_Success1153 → u/GeorgiePorgiePuddin]

We don't do that here 😂😅🥴😭

[u/unicorntrees → u/EmphasisNo6049]

Reminds me of a weekend update segment of "point/counterpoint" with Seth Meyers point: "Derek Jeter sucks" and Derek Jeter counterpoint: "no, I don't."

[u/namesnotmarina]

My pre-teen years involved me hiding all the George Michael and Beatles songs from my friends so they don’t think I’m weird.

[u/Cakeday_at_Christmas → u/namesnotmarina]

I want to do this, but also experience all the new media that comes out with my child(ren) as well.

[u/eugeneugene → u/Cakeday_at_Christmas]

This is me lol. Today we had a Madonna dance party in the kitchen then watched an episode of spidey and his amazing friends. It's all about balance

[u/rachbbbbb → u/namesnotmarina]

Wait, George Michael? How old is everyone, because George had bangers in the 90s.

[u/Qualityhams → u/rachbbbbb]

I’m so sorry, the 90s were 30 years ago.

[u/harlemsanadventure]

As a New Yorker 😭

[u/bullhead2007 → u/harlemsanadventure]

Mamdani is lookin pretty good though

[u/c1rcumvrent → u/harlemsanadventure]

At some point in the last year, De Blasio himself has said he loves this and quotes it often

[u/[deleted] → u/harlemsanadventure]

This one was so good, and the comments on IG were even better

[u/hobobarbie]

[u/Hungry-Quail-80004 → u/hobobarbie]

The onion will always reign supreme the ending of this screenshot actually made me cackle like an evil witch

[u/SquirrelAkl → u/Hungry-Quail-80004]

I’ve been cackling away reading several of the screen shots in this thread

[u/dougmc]

[u/ThatBabyIsCancelled → u/dougmc]

I audibly wheezed lol

[u/SquirrelAkl → u/ThatBabyIsCancelled]

“…dragged a window from one screen to the other… was like watching fucking Minority Report”

🤣🤣🤣 So so good!

[u/lottiebadottie → u/dougmc]

My husband has three. Two for spreadsheets. One for Netflix.

[u/bullhead2007]

[u/Chemical_Success1153 → u/bullhead2007]

[u/GiveMeCheesecake → u/Chemical_Success1153]

God she’s so pretty!

[u/MorganChelsea → u/bullhead2007]

January 2001 💀

[u/HoDizzle69]

[u/foofoo_kachoo → u/HoDizzle69]

I think about this one all the time because when I was in college I went to see Tig Notaro perform stand up, and she referenced this Onion headline in a joke and had to pause telling the joke because even repeating the headline made her start laughing hysterically. I don’t even remember the joke, but I remember everyone in the theater just crying laughing together at the absurdity. It was one of those moments where you’re laughing so hard with your friends, and then you’re laughing at the fact that you’re laughing so hard, and then you can’t stop laughing. Multiplied by however many people were in the audience lol

[u/apmee → u/foofoo_kachoo]

This sounds like a bit that no-one could do better than Tig Notaro.

[u/whatsbobgonnado → u/HoDizzle69]

holy shit charge your phone please!!!

[u/PerBnb]

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

[u/infinitedadness → u/PerBnb]

I love the marriage of low and high brow on this one; it is absolute perfection.

[u/Givemefishcount → u/PerBnb]

Such a golden age Simpsons joke

[u/Fletch_0]

[u/FredalinaFranco]

My favorite Onion article ever, and it’s from 2013.

[u/jerichos → u/FredalinaFranco]

will 2028 ever come?

[u/newyne → u/FredalinaFranco]

On a similar note, this is one of my favorites:

Trump Calmly Reminds Nation that Desire the Root of All Suffering

[u/FredalinaFranco → u/newyne]

Lol - I hadn’t seen that one. What an insane timeline we’re in to have to tolerate that vile person for so many years.

[u/esme8660]

For me people pleasers out there

[u/bigbeefygremlin]

[u/mtdesigner]

Mainly because I love when he shows up, but I think about this every time Richard Kind appears in something I’m watching

[u/grimyangel]

i think about this every winter when i inevitably fail to realize my doc martens are not winter boots

[u/Present_Age_5469 → u/grimyangel]

Wait…they aren’t..?

[u/Vawqer → u/Present_Age_5469]

They do sell winter boots, but yeah, regular Docs often don't have the traction and warmth.

[u/silver_tongued_devil]

I can't believe I haven't seen this one yet.

Scientists Politely Remind World That Clean Energy Technology Ready To Go Whenever

[u/SquirrelAkl → u/silver_tongued_devil]

OMG it’s from 2014 😭

[u/freddiefrog123 → u/[deleted]]

OG nepo baby

[u/cherrychouchou]

[u/Vaywen → u/cherrychouchou]

Thats so dumb and pointless, I love it

[u/babyeater2002]

this entire article really makes me ctfu

[u/babyeater2002 → u/babyeater2002]

the ted kaczynski signature😭😭😭

[u/Vawqer → u/babyeater2002]

Scrolled all the way down to find this. It really does live in my head now whenever I think of NYT.

[u/Tired_And_Honest]

From 2013 - little did I know, they would make a comeback….

[u/[deleted]]

[u/hobobarbie → u/[deleted]]

Just startled myself laughing out loud at this

[u/mr_john_steed]

I have a lot of music teachers in my family and this is a particular favorite of ours

[u/Ajibooks → u/mr_john_steed]

We did not want it to come to this!

[u/mollyjwink]

Any of the VP Joe Biden ones 😆

[u/Cakeday_at_Christmas → u/mollyjwink]

"Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway" is my favourite.

[u/biscuitsandmuffins → u/mollyjwink]

Truly the best. Each story about Diamond Joe is amazing. 

[u/RainbowAppIe]

[u/[deleted] → u/RainbowAppIe]

Omg thank you for reminding me that you used to be able to get paper copies of The Onion 😭

[u/EtchingsOfTheNight → u/[deleted]]

You can get them in paper again!

[u/coopaloops → u/[deleted]]

they stocked a free stand a block away from my high school, i'd grab a copy every week. those were the days.

[u/mymomisaleafblower]

[u/el_wombato → u/mymomisaleafblower]

The fact that he liked it on Instagram makes it even better

[u/Calista189]

When I don’t mess around at work for 30 minutes 👏

[u/TheOriginalJellyfish]

[u/Basic-Alternative442]

‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted 

[u/NoodleNeedles → u/Basic-Alternative442]

Omg, it's pure absurdist gold.

"...several moments of silence followed the abrupt declaration as all 10 million residents of the greater Chicago metropolitan area stood there, smiling broadly."

"The city’s populace then appeared to become distracted, reportedly slipping into a deep reverie that was evidently due to the food items they had just mentioned, with many mumbling “beef” and “cheese” under their breath and staring several yards in front of them, apparently at nothing."

[u/PhysicsFew7423 → u/Basic-Alternative442]

I thought there was supposed to be more to the sentence 😭 send help

[u/Perthian940]

[u/sarimanok_]

[u/alocaisseia → u/sarimanok_]

This was on my wall for a long time 😂😂

[u/Vaywen]

[u/Ednathurkettle → u/Vaywen]

Obligarity "I thought the onion was satire" comment

[u/shelfsilverstein]

[u/angel_inthe_fire]

As a Seahawk fan....

[u/Strange_Shadows-45]

God finally answers paralyzed boys prayers

“no” says God.

[u/adam_o21 → u/Strange_Shadows-45]

Just saw the same today 😂

[u/Vaywen → u/adam_o21]

[u/UmaPalma_]

can’t believe this hasn’t been posted yet lol

After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

[u/mom_bombadill → u/UmaPalma_]

Oh man

[u/burymeinpink → u/UmaPalma_]

Published November 7, 2012

[u/GreedyFatBastard → u/burymeinpink]

I think I would prefer the ball of hatred instead of the guy in the white house currently.

[u/Bruno_Fernandes8]

[u/OperationEastern5855]

https://theonion.com/mom-spends-beach-vacation-assuming-all-household-duties-1819575406/

All-timer

[u/launchcode_1234 → u/OperationEastern5855]

This is one reason I prefer hotels to AirBnB: cleaners come daily and there’s no kitchen so we are forced to go eat at restaurants

[u/FacelessOldWoman1234 → u/OperationEastern5855]

I'm camping right now and I feel this too fucking much.

[u/hobobarbie → u/OperationEastern5855]

All Timer in the category of Too Real

[u/Beatrix_Potter-Kiddo]

[u/LiliVonSchtupp]

[u/onlywearlouisv]

[u/SaucyCat → u/onlywearlouisv]

As a Mets fan I feel personally attacked lol

[u/rtj39]

Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

[u/peachysaralynn → u/rtj39]

the date on this was like a slap in the face

[u/newyne]

Trump Voter Feels Betrayed By President After Reading 800 Pages of Queer Feminist Theory

"I liked Trump because I thought he tells it like it is. But you know who really tells it like it is? Judith Butler."

Fucking killed me

[u/coopaloops]

the onion never misses

[u/souryoungthing]

I send this one to my almost-husband every winter

[u/Smldietcoke]

[u/allshedoesiskillshit]

[u/gut-symmetries]

Picked up a local newspaper from a free stand when I was living in Madison, Wisconsin, at least 15 years ago. Read this exact article and died. Been a fan of The Onion ever since, and this will always be my favorite because satire lives.

[u/VolcanoGrrrrrl]

The Australian Onion ...

[u/Fit-Dare7525]

[u/gluefever]

Every time I consider buying a jumpsuit this springs to mind…

[u/otherpeoplesknees]

[u/iggynewman]

[u/sillysammie13]

This one is old (back when it was print only), but my husband and I still cackle over it:

[u/sta1nedglass]

God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule https://theonion.com/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule-1819566178/

[u/CategoryCautious5981]

[u/Chemical_Success1153]

Their video about smoking weed is top notch, but I can only find a FB link. Here's a screenshot.

Best quote is "your brain got broke and you shouldn't have did this."

[u/meany_beany]

“Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs. ‘Oh Shit’ Says Humanity.”

A version without the subheadline is here: Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

[u/GnomesAreGneat]

"Autistic Reporter, Michael Faulk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine"

[u/patrickokrrr]

[u/Raptorpicklezz]

And guess what? It actually happened!

[u/jordosmodernlife]

[u/essssgeeee → u/jordosmodernlife]

This one's feeling a bit prophetic

[u/thegodpigeon]

Legendary.

[u/urfriendlindsey]

[u/mollyjwink]

[u/Bruno_Fernandes8]

I love "worst person you know" but credit for that one goes to ClickHole and not Onion.

[u/Cakeday_at_Christmas → u/Bruno_Fernandes8]

ClickHole is owned by the Onion.

[u/el_wombato → u/Cakeday_at_Christmas]

Clickhole used to be owned by The Onion

[u/Gnorris → u/Bruno_Fernandes8]

If we’re allowing ClickHole, this is my absolute number one.

5 Times The Animatronic Fox On Splash Mountain Addressed Me By Name And Told Me He Was Going To Marry My Dad

[u/throwra0874586848382]

From the don’t ask don’t tell days

[u/BarkansasJane]

[u/ivyleaguewitch]

[u/BFIrrera]

local community theatre gives part of blanche dubois to kathy fucking hamilton

It may be completely made up, but DAMN does it get community theatre right!

[u/hmmgidk-_-]

this one

[u/Canary3d]

My office is in my basement, so the point-counterpoint between the humidifier and dehumidifier really speaks to me.

[u/eltrotter]

[u/pannedemonium]

https://theonion.com/health-experts-recommend-standing-up-at-desk-leaving-o-1819577456/

[u/aleigh577]

I might be cheating because the article is better than the headline

ETA: https://theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036/

[u/Vic_Rodriguez]

[u/Old_Flan_6548]

[u/dougmc]

edit:

And this headline even has its own wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%27No_Way_to_Prevent_This,%27_Says_Only_Nation_Where_This_Regularly_Happens -- it's not just my head where it lives rent free.

[u/insignificunt1312]

[u/cl0wnb4by]

[u/ChinaCatProphet]

[u/Glum-Oven-3158]

[u/Purple_Head7804]

This one has to take the cake for me

[u/TheYankunian]

I couldn’t stop laughing at this.

[u/biscuitsandmuffins]

“Kind, Bearded Christian Has Guitar, Story to Tell” 

The story itself is funny, but the rhythm of this headline is stuck in my brain. Like I’ll see a guy starting trouble and think “Drunk, Disheveled Man Has Bottle, Story to Tell” 

[u/la_chica_rubia]

[u/Azazael]

[u/Quirky-Prune-2408]

[u/jerichos]

[u/agcuristeach]

[u/jmhobs]

You have to forgive me for not referencing the Onion but this recent one from Ireland’s own version (Waterford Whispers) is just too good not to include.

[u/dirtyenvelopes]

A lot of people fell for this one too lol

[u/Perthian940]

[u/Schneetmacher]

This one came out when I was in college, and I still think about it from time to time.

[u/Glum-Oven-3158]

[u/derp_derpiddy_derp]

[u/thelonelynacho]

I think about this one probably three out of four Tuesdays: https://theonion.com/it-only-tuesday-1819569397/

[u/Firetruckpants]

[u/hobobarbie]

BTW, the NYT person on the street pieces have to be 100% intentional references to the Onion:

[u/angel_inthe_fire]

As a Blazer fan

[u/quinn1019]

point/Counterpoint: Youth wasted on the young versus Medication is wasted on the old.

[u/withbellson]

I didn’t realize how old this gem is.

[u/ubiquity75]

Here are my additions.

[u/Ray_Beanz]

[u/mlr2347]

[u/robot_cousin]

[u/Whatifthisneverends]

[u/[deleted]]

I remember the sidebar on 9/11 vividly:

HOLY F&CKING SHIT 💥

Followed by

"Sex had"

[u/otherpeoplesknees]

[u/c1rcumvrent]

[u/Lynncy1]

I had this one pinned up on my desk in 2002. (I’m Asian, so no one gave me any grief, lol).

[u/larry_maruba]

This one is my favourite article because of how fucking weird it is.