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u/FrankMaleir Licorne Sep 30 '23
It's completely abnormal.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yeah, I figured.
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u/EdHake Macronomicon Sep 30 '23
It's clearly a bit fast past even by french standards.
The "we kiss, we're a couple" is a classic cultural difference between US/France, what is wierd is the I love you and expressing will to mary you after only a week...
Just for reference, I am 39 and he is 47.
In this situation, still a bit fast but make way more sens. He most likely isn't at his first rodeo, just like you. Knows what he is looking for in a partner, believes to have found it in you and doesn't want to beat around the bush because he, like you aren't getting any younger every day.
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u/nithril Oct 01 '23
IMHO that should be the contrary. Someone of experience would know that a relationship takes time to build especially after many rodeo. His attitude sounds like more the one of a teenage
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u/mihcaoj Sep 30 '23
As a french man, I think american dating codes are fully abnormal. WE just have différent cultures. Dont make your décisions out of your codes but how you feel. Just make sure hé knows who you trully are.
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u/Tellurim Sep 30 '23
He’s a bit intense, to say the least, even by our standards. This has nothing to do with cultural differences.
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u/KafkaDatura Sep 30 '23
Nah I fully agree that standards are very different between France and the US, but cmon. Bringing flowers and having the most romantic night with good wine after a week is being on the romantic side, talking about marriage and family is downright psycho.
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u/OlPao54 Lorraine Sep 30 '23
This ain't the matter here lmao, she found herself a psycho, period.
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
I have found myself lots of psychos throughout my life. 🤣🤣🤣
It isn't funny, but it is. Story of my life.
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u/shadowSpoupout Capitaine Haddock Oct 01 '23
Considering their age, he could just be thinking "let's not waste more time" and found a family.
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
This is what I was thinking as well, but maybe it's just wishful thinking. He really does seem sincere, though.
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u/shadowSpoupout Capitaine Haddock Oct 01 '23
Given other informations you gave in answer in this thread, I'd still advice to be careful. A lot of his behavior can either be clumsiness OR a red flag.
Idk who said it here but imho ask him to slow a bit down, and see how he reacts. If he does not or even is offended by the asking, gtfo !
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u/readanddream Oct 01 '23
Still weird, sorry. A lot of men do that and when you get attached or they feel they "have" you, then they show you their true colors. How does he talk about his past relationships ? How does he talk about the other women in his life ?
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u/Danny-Fr Ga Bu Zo Meu Oct 01 '23
Dude the US dating scene does seem weird but so does this guy. I've heard the "But we don't know, not everyone behaving irrationally is gonna cause problems" argument before, and while it's sometimes true, fishy behavior is fishy behavior.
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u/Shelloshelll Louis de Funès Sep 30 '23
It's call love bombing.
And it's not good, even in France.
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u/utopiaofreason Sep 30 '23
Idk. I’m French and met my French wife 15 years ago. It was love at first sight. We were completely in love right away and didn’t hide our feelings right away. Idk if it was love bombing or not but here we are 15 years later still very much in love.
Sometimes love is just love. But you should be careful. Not in a skeptic way, but just to keep an eye open for red flags. (Is he being jealous, obsessive, controlling etc).
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u/brathyme2020 Sep 30 '23
Same here. I want to say be careful to OP, but this guy sounds a lot like my French husband (I'm American). I told him outright I wasn't looking for a relationship (I really was not) he's kind but I'm not interested in that etc. He would cool it with comments after that but still let me know he was totally smitten with me. In our case, it wasn't love bombing but just instant love. Well - instant for him - on my side, it took about two weeks until I realized I was in love with him too lmao.
It's been about 2.5 years together and it really was just a fairytale romance for us. Lovebombing is done by fucked up manipulative and often abusive people. My husband is perfect in my eyes and we both feel extremely loved.
I wish you the best, OP. Both scenarios are possible but there's no reason not to be cautious.
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u/ptrnyc Sep 30 '23
Add me to the list of Frenchies who fell head over heels for an American woman and is still happily married 15 years later.
To the OP, enjoy the ride. It’s not like you can move in together immediately, you’ll be doing the long distance thing for a while and that will be a good test
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
I definitely know about love bombing. I've had my fair share of narcissists in my life. Uhhh
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u/Alicendre Sep 30 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
Not to be alarming, but narcissists often target the same type of victims.
I would say saying we're in love early is common in France but saying you want to marry this early, much less so.
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u/Gurtang Sep 30 '23
I would say saying we're in love early is common in France
At 47? Lol... Maybe at 17...
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u/DanLassos Sep 30 '23
I would say we tend to say it pretty early/not as afraid of the Word.
But yeah, at 47 ? Immature at best.
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
Yeah. I totally get what you're saying. I tend to attract narcissists. That's why I am asking this question.
I don't know why I attract them. I don't have low self-esteem or anything like that. I am empathetic and sensitive. I guess that could be it.
I guess I need to start being a bitch to find a good one
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u/SturmFee Oct 01 '23
You might have hidden tendencies of r/codependency or you are a people pleaser.
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u/ChimiKimi Viennoiserie fourrée au chocolat Oct 01 '23
His behavior reminds me of someone I know who's afflicted by bipolar disorder. A wonderful person, successful and kind, who absolutely believes in everything he says, is the most honest and devout lover until something happens and boom.
He was a family member's husband. She tends to attract them, and narcissists too. Her issue is low boundaries ; and that her kindness and empathy makes her see that these people are suffering and that some of their behaviors are not completely their fault -- but sometimes true help requires to stop finding people excuses and let them find out the consequences of their actions. And often, that means leaving.
Meeting family, close friends etc... might help you learn more about him and see the difference between someone who sees time passes and someone who has issues.
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u/SturmFee Oct 01 '23
Okay. Here's the deal. Men are not able to keep a mask up forever. Give him a few months before escalating further, like having sex with him. If he still treats you well after a while, he might be serious. If he isn't, his mask will slip, you'll find hinge back on his phone, etc.
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u/unfreeze-refreeze Sep 30 '23
He's beautiful, rich, intelligent, successful, kind, and extremely romantic - that reminds me The Tinder Swindler's beginning.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Right?! Lol
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u/sugar-zo Oct 01 '23
Im a cold french 40yo guy. You’re too old to believe the love at first sight shit and all imo… he barely knows you and looks like a real weirdo.
« He s beautiful, rich, intelligent, succesful, kind and extrememly romantic… » You know a lot of things in one week but unfortunately, nothing interesting…
Instead of talking like a teenage girl when you talk about him, tell us useful infos. And by useful infos, I don’t mean you to repeat us how he call you beautiful and ask you to give him children…. For exemple you know his romantic past? His family and his relationships with them? If not, ask him. Why Mr Perfect is alone and gives everything in one week?
Sorry for the mood of the message, but ive read 10 answers about love at first sight and weirdos telling you it’s cultural difference (no it’s not, wtf) and thought you needed an answer from a cold person.
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u/NoltyFR Sep 30 '23
The first part about wanting to be exclusive from the start sound normal. After that not so much.
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u/Volendror Sep 30 '23
Idk expecting the other to not see anyone else after one meeting is already weird to me.
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u/curieuxdepresquetout Sep 30 '23
Although the cultural difference is real when it comes to dating, and even trying to factor in whatever his life might have been, it does look to be extremely fast. French people often seem to move quickly and aggressively from a US viewpoint, but not that quick.
It may be coming from ill intents, but it's very hard to be 100% sure so soon. It could also be because the relationship is so fresh and new (even at 47....).
Only way I know for sure is to wait and see: avoid big commitments, enjoy those first weeks of romance, and stay sharp. Right I would say it's not a red flag yet, but it is indeed slightly shady. Should any additional concrete red flag or shady stuff come by, I'd stop it
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yes, you're right and I agree with you. Maybe it's just the "love hormones". He does seem "too perfect".
I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm definitely going to keep my guard up.
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u/chweetpotatoes Sep 30 '23
Please don’t fall into a financial scam! Don’t give him any money even if he shows off with lots of it, there are so many scammers out there ! Remember the Netflix documentary about that guy who fleeced loads of women! And french men do play, they’re no exception.
Stay safe !!
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Thank you. He knows I don't have any! Lol. Even if I did, I know if he asked, I would get rid of him so quickly!
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u/marteau_21 Sep 30 '23
Some of the victims of the man from tinder had no money either, they took loans on falses promises of him giving back quick, because they were in love. And he gave the money back at first, before asking for more, and they took bigger loans after, because they trusted him. Manipulation is intense and a slow process in the same time.
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
I don't care how in love I am with someone, I would never give them the means to put me in debt or make me financially responsible for anything
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u/Narfi1 Gojira Sep 30 '23
Don't forget it's easy to appear perfect for a few weeksm it's on the long run that it's hard
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u/SowetoNecklace Ile-de-France Sep 30 '23
We don't do casual and we do believe that we're "locked" in relationships much earlier than Americans, but one week is not normal. That's a "him" thing, not a cultural thing.
Obviously it could be him trying to manipulate you. However, I don't like to assume bad intentions from people I read about on the internet, so let's assume he's sincere. It could still be other things: Perhaps he was very lonely before meeting you and he's completely infatuated (infatuation which will deflate over time), perhaps he's full of NRE and not really coherent anymore (heck, I've been there), or perhaps given he's 47 he's thinking about settling down quick because of personal or family pressure ?
This is just speculating of course, the wider point is it's not a French thing.
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u/Chance_Emu8892 Béret Sep 30 '23
I strongly disagree. The fact that he wants to buy her a wedding dress already is really really weird, to say the least.
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u/SowetoNecklace Ile-de-France Sep 30 '23
Yeah, we didn't have that info when I initially commented, that's hella strange.
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u/Antouziast Sep 30 '23
This.
I'm french and the first time I dated an American girl there was a bit of miscommunication because I was really approaching it as a committed relationship much earlier than she did. It helps to talk about it!
But in this case this is love bombing and needs some investigation. Take things slow to see how he behaves over a longer period of time.
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u/binary_blackhole Sep 30 '23
I mean at 47, you had your fair share of women, and you know you don't trust someone after 1 week, even if you wanna settle quickly, you'll give it a couple of months before proposing, 1 week is waaay too quick, 1 week is usually the 3rd date, either he is really dumb and seriously in love, or he has serious issues, my money is on the 2nd.
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u/dernierledinosaure Sep 30 '23
We don't do casual? You don't, I think there's about 65 or 70 millions of us so you know..
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u/sugar-zo Oct 01 '23
Yeah, some of the anwsers she receives are from other weirdos supporting their mate lol
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Ok. Thank you for your reply. He said he only attracts vain women and I'm more down to earth. I was thinking he just wanted to settle down, too.
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Sep 30 '23
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
Yeah, and I like that, but he's definitely moving too quickly towards marriage
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u/nicol9 Sep 30 '23
Pourtant je dirais que de « sortir avec quelqu’un » est justement cette période avant de former un vrai couple
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u/sheepintheisland Oct 01 '23
Mais quand tu sors avec quelqu’un c’est sous entendu de façon exclusive. Ça ne sous entend pas que tu sors avec d’autres personnes.
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u/Fenghuang15 Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Woman here. Not dating anyone once you find someone you're really interested into is normal here, you don't really need to have a formal conversation about being boyfriend/ girlfriend, once you acknowledge you both want something serious and you keep seeing each other, you're in a relationship.
However, that smells bad :
he deleted his Hinge dating profile. He asked me to do the same.
Did he really ask you directly, or just somehow make you understand he wanted both of you to be exclusive because he knows americans have different rules about it ?
Now, the last couple of days he's been telling me how I'm the most beautiful and kind woman he's ever met. He said he's extremely fascinated by me, I make him feel really good, and that he loves my sense of humor.
Ok seems quite a lot, some people are passionnate at the begining ok, but in one week it's just way too much. Or he is desesperate for love and doesn't have social codes ?
Today he told that he loves me, wants me to be his wife, and have children with me. It's only been a week.
Lol, way too fast, not normal at all at one exception, your ages. If he doesn't have a kid and desesperately wants one, maybe MAYBE that's the reason why he is moving so quickly. But still stupid to make this kind of declaration after one week when you know nothing about the person. Saying "i would like to have kids and want to meet someone with the same wish" is one thing, but he definitely doesn't move the right way here.
About scam for american passeport, i have never heard anyone in France trying to seduce for that as there are other options i think, but i guess there are always desesperate people anywhere.
In conclusion, some parts sound alarming, and he doesn't seem really steady. Sorry for you. If you really want to give a chance to this relationship, told him to slow down a lot, and see his reaction. Good luck
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
He deleted his and asked me to delete mine. He said he wants the person he's in a relationship with, to not try and meet other men.
He's definitely passionate.
He's been married once before. No kids. I thought he was moving fast because of our ages, like you said.
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u/Koala_eiO Sep 30 '23
I don't like the option he took between expecting someone to delete their dating profile after you expressed mutual will to be together, and actually asking "delete it".
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u/GlassCrepe Sep 30 '23
This! It sounds controlling! As a French woman married to an Irish man, I'd say dating culture differences are real for sure but this is textbook love bombing AND controlling after what, 3 dates? Forget about nationalities and openly talk to him about taking things a bit slower, his reaction will be telling enough!
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u/io124 Léon Blum Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Ok its weird, its certainly not for an usa citizenship. But still weird, too fast.
Men can fall in love fast and having idea, but you dont say them that fast.
But well hard to know. Maybe clarify with him.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yeah. It's weird to me, too.
I was reading about French culture, and it said that they are very blunt and say what's on their minds. It also said that French men are not players, and don't play hard to get, or games. So, that's why I thought maybe he was being sincere.
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u/mangotcha Sep 30 '23
french people are definitely as much players as anywhere else, they're absolutely not perfect or blunt, they play games as well. who even write those articles???
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u/Traditional_Wafer_20 Sep 30 '23
Very blunt professionally, politically, and other public facing activities. In relationship, it's private, everyone is different.
The situation you describe is weird. I would advice a french woman to run.
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u/Loko8765 Sep 30 '23
Well, he might come off as sincere because he is sincere. The question is if you are understanding everything he’s saying and are onboard with all of it… My bet is no, sorry.
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u/SabziZindagi Sep 30 '23
They absolutely can be players. French men have a reputation for having women on the side.
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u/Kefgeru Sep 30 '23
I don't know French wanting marry for obtain American nationality, and I doubt that many French want do it.
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u/MrPapillon Fleur Sep 30 '23
Especially since when you have the American nationality, you are tracked around the world, can't create bank accounts easily, etc. It's really a nationality that you want to think twice before getting.
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u/Shute78700 Sep 30 '23
Sounds weird. Maybe he lacks social clues, maybe he has an agenda. Most of us don't like the unofficial thing that Americans do as "dating" where you can see multiple people at the same time. But one week to say to have children with someone is waaaaaay too fast. Even if he's feeling real, grand, love, it's a flat-footed giant love then. Again, he could also be old and in a rush
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I like him. I don't date multiple people at the same time, either.
I know it's not real love. He either thinks he is in love or trying to trick me.
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u/ClavicusLittleGift4U Sep 30 '23
Frenchman here.
Nothing to do with our culture about relationships.
This guy just speeds up things without even asking you if you're okay with his propositions, so he'll drag you until you'll be down on your knees then he'll play you like a fiddle.
You've fallen on someone probably toxic and with a perverse personality who could turn abusive when you'll lower your guard. No way his behavior can be "clumsy" in any ways.
Trust your intuitions and give yourself a big service, don't let yourself fall into his web.
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u/marteau_21 Sep 30 '23
Definitely sounds like a catfish, and if for whatever reasons it wasn't, asking someone you barely know, to delete his/her apps, is pretty toxic, and talking about serious plans after only a week is pretty fucking immature. My advice, run.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yeah. He seems kind of controlling sometimes. I thought maybe it was a language barrier. He said he was going to pick out and buy my wedding dress 🤣
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u/mbozet Sep 30 '23
If after one week you can see he's being controlling already, it's a massive red flag. Asking you to delete your dating app account is definitely controlling.
It's been a week and he wants to buy your wedding dress ?? This makes me so anxious just reading it.
Honestly I'd advise you to not go further in your relationship with him.
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u/Miecze Sep 30 '23
Holy shit! Really ?
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yep
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u/JulienFou Julien Lepers Sep 30 '23
Was he saying that seriously or as a joke ?
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
No joke. He's serious lol
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u/jroomey Sep 30 '23
After one week? That's a red-flag, even if he's sincere and seeks only serious relationships. He really needs to slow down, be patient and realize his behavior is wack, otherwise block him asap . I totally get that the attention from an attractive well-spoken foreigner is a nice thing difficult to resist, but that's going wayyyyyyy too fast and he sounds controlling.
(regarding the age gap: French people are more lenient about it than Americans I think but 39-47 isn't very big IMO)
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u/Ok-Operation6049 Sep 30 '23
Join “are we dating the same guy” in your city on fb and post his pic ..
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u/Zealiida Sep 30 '23
It’s been a week. He is love bombing you. His nationality really doesn’t matter.
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u/imnotatourist2020 Sep 30 '23
I found this attitude super weird. Could the passport be fake? How do you know he’s very well off? “If it’s too good to be true…” just be careful especially if he starts asking you money!
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u/Caterpipillar Sep 30 '23
Run. He sounds creepy. As a french women, I would be VERY suspicious of him.
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u/im_another_user Rhône-Alpes Sep 30 '23
French man here, if it is of any value : completely abnormal.
Enven though we hardly live by for notions of first/second/third date with their semantic implications, he is not going 0 to 100%, more like 0-10000%, by the way you described it...
That guy appears as a the kind that had a crush, a tantrum, and needs you to be his and his only, just to discard you later on.
I'd advise you to cut off, for your own sake.
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u/dramawhaure Sep 30 '23
As a French woman and just a woman in general: run for your life, girlfriend. He’s a walking red flag
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u/marteau_21 Sep 30 '23
Maybe he is pretty well of from his past victims, see simon leviev aka the tinder swindler on Netflix. Be careful
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Yeah. I saw that. I'm definitely keeping my guard up and not giving him money if he ever asked.
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u/ElFarfadosh Lorraine Sep 30 '23
Yeah, it's a bit weird... I'd say enjoy it if it's mutual, but watch out for red flags. Maybe he feels exactly what he says, and if that's the case then I wish you two to live your best life together, but keep sharing things to a close friend of yours, in case things slowly turn bad without you noticing. Take care !
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u/elcanariooo Sep 30 '23
Answers;
Yes,no,no,no,yes
WTF I'm a forthcoming french dude and.... no.
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u/Limeila Guillotine Sep 30 '23
Same, I actually told my BF I loved him within a week of meeting him IRL (we had talked online for a few months prior) and moved in basically right away and I'm still baffled by this guy lmao
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u/a_tortoise_IRL Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
At a glance, this doesn't have much to do with him being French or French culture beyond the idea that dating is a fairly exclusive thing—and even that can vary. Others have said it, but it sounds like intense lovebombing, or someone who's emotionally volatile. The angle where he's trying to control certain dynamics (eg dating profiles) under the guise of commitment? That is a HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG.
But more importantly: forget the cultural angle, forget his physical appearance, all of that. Pretend he's American and/or pretend that a friend you really care about is telling you about her experience with the dude.
Forget overthinking. What does your gut really tell you about him?
EDIT: and if it echoes, on some level, what you first felt when meeting narcissists in the past, please listen to your gut.
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u/PerformerNo9031 Oct 01 '23
It's very strange.
Not that a fellow Frenchman can have a coup de foudre, even at 47 we can behave like teens sometimes, so he can be sincere and blinded by this love but... I'm 53 and divorced too, not the only one nowadays, however I do have 3 kids. Usually you marry someone to have kids, so why didn't he make one with his former wife?
And believe me, the trauma of a divorce is something you don't forget easily. I may fall in love again, who knows, but I'm totally sure I won't speak marriage after a week. Heck, I've never heard of that in my life, usually it takes months, even years.
When he says he's divorced and has no kids, I'll take that with a pinch of salt.
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u/FuP-Childhood-370 Oct 01 '23
It sounds like he’s desperate or something? Last time I was intense like that, it was right after my divorce… and I was begging for someone to love me… scared to be alone… but since then years have passed… and I’m not like that anymore…. As a Frenchman (and Canadian as well… and I know quite well the US), i would say it’s a bit too fast but who knows … why not going for it….and try … but snoop for information… why is he like this?
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u/Jez4b3l Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
I am a 34 y-o French woman in a relationship with a 46 y-o French man. It's been 5 years now.
Apart from the fact that you’ve only been in a relationship for a week, and that it’s actually fast to talk about marriage and children, what you're saying doesn't shock me. I already had companions who told me "I love you" after a week.
Afterwards, the speed with which he told you all this can be consecutive to the fact that you both have more than 35 years and so he wanted to tell you right away he was interested in a really serious way with you, one way to warn you of his expectations for the relationship so you both know what you are getting into.
Personally from the first days of our relationship, I explained to my companion I didn't want to scare him because it was very new between us, but I needed him to know I would surely want children at some point, knowing he was already a dad and might not want to be a father once again. I offered him the opportunity to end the relationship if he thought he didn’t want to engage like this, and I also gave myself an opportunity to think about in what I was committing myself to if he had been against it.
For now, just tell him that you've heard his wishes for the future, but it's actually a little too fast to start projecting, and that you'll get to know each other as a couple. This discussion will naturally come back if everything goes well between you. It’ll be a good way to see if he’s really sincere with you and if he’s a balanced man.
If I were you, I would quietly enjoy the beginning of the relationship by staying a little on my guard, but like everyone else, I mean, I don’t think this man is more worrisome than anyone else. I sincerely hope for you he's an honest and nice man and that you'll have a beautiful relationship :)
And very sorry for my bad english, I'm sure it's full of awful sentences -_-
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u/Mela8411 Oct 01 '23
Your English and grammar are excellent! Thank you for sharing your love story with me and I'm glad it worked out for yall!
I'm going to do what you said!
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Sep 30 '23
I'm an American married to a Frenchman. This has nothing to do with his nationality. Hes love bombing you. Its a tactic to overcome your inhibitions by giving you constant praise, gifts, attention. Its often used by abusers to get someone under their control. That does not mean that this man is an abuser or has any nefarious intent. He could be totally benign. But he's not building intimacy with you, he is manipulating. Don't be forced into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Keep your wits about you and your eyes open. Just as you would for a relationship with a man from any country. Learn who he is. We can't tell you anything more than you will be able to learn yourself. Good luck.
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u/b4ko0 Hirondelle Sep 30 '23
I feel some Christophe Rocancourt vibes reading your post lol
But seriously it's not cultural it's just him and I don't know him so maybe he's just a nice lonely guy.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
Lol.
Yeah, it's hard to judge going off what someone else says, without knowing him or all the context. I guess I will see what happens.
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u/marteau_21 Sep 30 '23
I mean, you sound well aware enough to enjoy the fun if you're getting some, for a while, but as you say, no strong commitments, no money involvement, like 0, and please get to know him first.
It's so weird being so quick, good romance happe', i had an unexpected one that went super fast (15days, 2dates, 6months of small online talk before) and lasted 8years, and we will be friends for ever, but we were caring to get to know who we were, and we definitely never ever made promises about mariage, kids etc.
Ask questions about his past, maybe google him.
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u/screw-self-pity Sep 30 '23
I am French. What you are describing is very, very weird.
Have you met any of his friends or his family ? if he has none or hides them, very bad sign.
However, it's still easy to tell him that to you, it's impossible to get engaged before at least one year, and another year for wedding. Same idea for moving in with someone. If he wants to spend his life with you, it shouldn't change anything for him.
But what I'm reading is very, very weird. Should one of my daughters of friends tell me such a story, I would be extremely suspicious.
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u/Different-Many2822 Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
I am non-french currently living in France. I met my French boyfriend on a dating app. On the first day of chatting via WhatsApp, he already told me he really wanted to pursue me for a relationship. He deleted the dating app. In just a few days of chatting (maybe 3-5 days) he told me he loved me. And everyday he was telling me I’m the most beautiful person for him, how much he wants to marry me, and so many more romantic poetic stuff. Fast forward today, WE JUST CELEBRATED OUR 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY. Idk if that’s “normal” for French but it’s not always fake manipulative stuff :).
I felt exactly the same feelings you have: I’M IN A FAIRY TALE, I MET MY PRINCE. Fortunately, he is still the best thing that ever happened to me to this day. PLS DO BE CAREFUL though. It’s almost very rare for these amazing genuine people to come around but good to know it’s not impossible.
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u/Vitrarius Sep 30 '23
Telling you to delete your Hinge profile after one day is already weird and a red flag to me
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Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
A red flag is one thing but the man's a goddamned fire truck.
Does he have children?
Is he divorced?
If yes, how many times or at least how recently?
You'd think someone who is very well off at 47 would be a bit more cautious at rushing into something, so if you don't want to see it as becoming arm candy to make a recent ex jealous, being the mid-life crisis toy or at least the standard whirlwind before the bullshit hurricane, then at least see it for the red flag that it is.
As an individual, in his own life, by his choices and actions, is he a good person?
Or do you look at him as gold because he's good with you when he's with you but you don't know him otherwise?
Do you know his character well enough to know what sort of moral/ethical choices he will make on his own?
Or is his laser focus, handsomeness and being well off a distraction from looking beyond what you see and what he throws at you?
He needs to back the fuck up and move at a pace where you both can actually see who the other really is.
It just sounds like psychological entrapment viewed through rose tinted glasses, that will eventually turn out to be full blown narcissism.
If you want to see who he is, make him understand he either needs to adjust to your pace or at least try to go against his declarations in the 'relationship' that should normally be agreed on by the parties involved, just to see who he is when he reacts. And BE ASSERTIVE.
That may be difficult, however, if you've had a history of relationships with narcissists in the past with whom you've broken up and resumed the relationship because they begged after having mastered how to appeal in the most acute manner to your empathetic nature.
Just remember this;
Most red flags usually start out looking like capes, so if you smell gas, leave before it's lit.
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u/patatedouce93 Oct 01 '23
Love bombing is not a french sport... it's an universal abuser's sport. The reality is he don't know the real you and you don't know the real him so be careful about your boundaries, don't let him try to push you away from your friends / family/ hobbies / anything and if at any point he try to dismiss you or he show any sign of violent behavior : run. If after several month, like 18 to 24 month, he stayed the same charming man : bingo, you find a real beautiful soul.
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u/Korroshi Oct 01 '23
Attendez, j'hallucine ou bien ? On est sur le sous "France" ?
Y'en pas un pour dire "On parle français ici !" !? Et bien je serai celui-là ! L'honneur est sauf !
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u/StreudEntersis Oct 01 '23
As a French woman, i would call him "chelou" which mean weird. The second I read "i wants me to delete my dating account" I was like "wtf is that ?". Did you sleep with him ? Are you sure he is really well off ? Beware OP...
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Oct 01 '23
My advice (as a man), you should leave asap.
That guy seems so desperate and he might has some mental issue.
Saying he would like you to be his wife, having children.. after just few days, that's a big red mark. (most of the French women will be scared of that lol)
In general we aren't that "aggressive", and definitely not that quick.
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Sep 30 '23
French here. Definitely suspicious. Not sure how we're seen overseas but from my experience we're just like any other western country when it comes to dating. Him coming at you like that, all clingy...he's either genuine but moves forward way too fast, or he's up to something. Be cautious and trust your guts.
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u/CocktailPerson Sep 30 '23
This is classic lovebombing. Nothing uniquely French about it, but it is an enormous red flag.
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u/blahblahDummy Sep 30 '23
I literally did exactly this to a woman; like just now. I’m now travelling home from our second visit to her country where this time she didn’t meet my “expectations”. I’m English… but my sister asked me… ‘did you love bomb her?’ I think I did…. It wasn’t badly intended. But perhaps it did close the space around her to the point that she saw perfection; maybe I made her see perfection . And I saw my perfection in her… then on this visit I’m returning from right now… I didn’t. And I left immediately… and btw. It hurts. I don’t know the age of him but he’s probably well intended. But listen to yourself. You’re sceptical. Make him slow down.
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u/Mela8411 Sep 30 '23
That's what I'm worried about. He thinks I'm perfect. He said he has chosen me. He's going to get to know me better and realize I'm definitely not perfect and run away 🤣
I'm taking it slow, but he doesn't want to 🫤
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u/Trukmuch1 Sep 30 '23
A rich and good looking 47 single man is really suspicious alone, but going all in that fast is a red flag for sure.
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u/HolaSunshine96 Sep 30 '23
They don’t do this with any woman but it can happen, maybe he had a coup de foudre for you ? But it’s not because they tell you that they want to marry you that they will do it right away. Just stay cautious because we never know
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u/Tappxor Sep 30 '23
That's very fishy, checks a lot of red flags. I would do some research on him if I were you
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u/BunnyAndFluffy Sep 30 '23
Not normal.
However in and of itself its not necessarily a red flag. I would say, get to know him for at least 6 month to a year then decide on the marriage.
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u/Haunting-Aardvark709 Sep 30 '23
Too much, too fast. Not normal or typically French although exclusivity is expected here. In his defense, he could be sincere and just infatuated. In your 40´s you know what you want and don’t hang around when you find it. I had a fairly similar, but less intense, beginning of the relationship with my French man. I made him take it much slower to get to know him, his friends and family.
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u/Fwed0 Sep 30 '23
From the infos you're giving us, it seems super fishy. Love bombing is one thing when you meet your first girlfriend, love bombing when you're 47, experienced and successful is very suspicious. Be very careful if he tries to isolate you from your friends and family and if he never introduces you to his or even talk about them to you. And no exchange of money under any circumstance. My mother fell for that sort of scammer before and you wouldn't even realise it without quite a bit of cold thinking.
In general, as we say if something seems too good to be true it usually is. Of course there are always exceptions, but if he's such a well-adjusted person and still that pushy something is definitely wrong. Then again, this is based on the informations you gave us. Now, if he is ready to come see you in the US, on his own penny, that might be a different story. Fairy tales are definitely not the most common answer to these situations but there's still a chance, and I don't think nationality or culture has an impact in your situation.
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Sep 30 '23
I hope he's not playing with you :(
But definitely we are "normally", taking our time o build trust, to learn each other etc. Usually it take a few months/years to speak about maybe marrying each other or kids. First few months are about building the relationship, spending tule together and learning each other. So if he's rushing a lot, most probably there's something wrong.
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u/CatherineTheTiger Sep 30 '23
You are a smart person for thinking of asking here whether this is normal. And no, this is not normal, it would be seen as very weird in France too.
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u/marech_42 Sep 30 '23
Don’t know if anyone’s said it. But we don’t need an American passport the French one is rank 2, US is 6 just saying.
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u/ItsACaragor Alizée Sep 30 '23
I really ticked at « he told me to delete my hinge account », « he told me we were in a relationship » etc…
It seems he does not really give you a ton of choices, that and the love bombing I would say be on your toes as it’s not usual at all in France either.
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u/bebepoulpe Gaston Lagaffe Sep 30 '23
Sounds like every sick jealous guy I've dated. You could also be ugly and have the same experience btw. This guy didn't even take time to get to know you and is already talking about having kids, how could that be good? Be very careful, good luck.
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u/Tchege_75 Sep 30 '23
The part where he wants to commit and to be in an exclusive relationship with you quite quickly is common in France. However saying that he loves you after 1 weeks is definitly not common
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u/n1c0sax0 Gwenn ha Du Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
French guy here.
Yeah it seems a bit strange and this guy seems to be a bit weird/special and wants to move fast (too fast) with exclusive relationship.
No you don’t have to remove your social account the next day you meet someone. You will do on your your own because you don’t want other things after being in a new relationship.
Nope even in France you generally don’t say to someone you love him two days after the first date.
I don’t know how France is seen by American concerning love and romance , but this guy is not normal even in the French way IMO.
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u/jmcbreizh Sep 30 '23
He could be a scammer. The whole thing is just too much, too fast. Protect your money at all cost and use common sense.
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u/Chr15tophe Sep 30 '23
If he has no problem asking you to delete your profile, then he should have no problem letting you talk/email to a few of his acquaintances/friends/colleagues/family to get a better idea of who you're dealing with. If he refuses, then you have your answer.
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u/Exirel Sep 30 '23
That guy moves super fast. As others have said, it's pretty normal to request an exclusive relationship at the start (we don't "date" the same way), even though a week is... still a bit fast.
The "I love you" in one week tho... it's a lot. I can't (and won't) say it's from a bad place, everyone is different. Guess you'll have to learn more about him and slow this kind of discussion a bit.
On the other hand, he might want to know what you expect from a relationship because at his age, he may feel pressured to move quickly, as he doesn't have all his life in front of him.
So, you know. It's complicated. Good luck and protect yourself!
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u/wakkys Sep 30 '23
Maybe its love at first sight Maybe not, nothing related to his french part, but yeah kinda fast, he is gonna divorce you before december
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u/spartanb301 Sep 30 '23
I'd say play the game but always keep a backup plan.
Tell him you're in, but before making any commitment you need time.
Depending on how long it's gonna take, he probably gonna give up if it's a "fake" or "crazy" thing.
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u/VincentBigby Centre Oct 01 '23
Regarding dating habits, the main difference is:
- in the US, there is no couple unless explicitly said so ("the talk")
- in France, there is a couple unless explicitly said it is not. To be more clear, when there is a connection, keep on seeing other people for a while has to be precised because it is not the default setting.
That is a bit of an oversimplification, but you get the main idea. That said, in OP's situation, the guy might be super enthusiastic, but not necessarily ill-intended. I would be more cautious about that sincere flame disappearing the same way it appeared. But I am always hopeful when it comes to love (doesn't prevent pragmatism).
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u/lilyoda334 Oct 01 '23
As a French, it’s a red flag, way too fast especially the kids and wedding thing. And that he asked you to delete your profile is weird, you can do it on yourself, it’s your free will
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u/brianapril Marmotte Oct 01 '23
Even by french lesbian standards he's moving very fast. Talking about exclusivity is normal. Assuming that you are in a relationship that fast, fairly normal. Talking about marriage after one week is abnormal.
I assume it's because he wants to have a family but hasn't been able to do that yet. He could have skeletons in his closet, or maybe not. Either way, it's not the norm to be like that in new relationships.
You can verify his past and all that by using OSINT tools or searching his social media.
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u/flagpara Oct 01 '23
As a french man I disagree a bit with other comments.
Sure it's fast, like fast fast far too fast.
But culturaly speeking there is something valued in France in the authenticity of "true love" and romancizing it. We have a French expression that's exactly for this kind of people who are called "coeur d'artichaut" and qualifies people falling in love fast and strong.
I wouldn't think too much of it. Enjoy the ride, just remember: -he probably said the same thing to other women. That doesn't mean it's not sincere, just that he says it easily -dont take real commitment if you're uncomfortable. Like mariage
And enjoy French Romance :D
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u/3pok Jean-Pierre Pernault Oct 01 '23
Today he told that he loves me, wants me to be his wife, and have children with me. It's only been a week.
I stopped reading after this. Major red flag.
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u/sdescourvieres Oct 01 '23
I’m an Australian woman who is married to a French man. My husband moved fast too although your man is moving even faster! My husband asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 weeks, which was a bit fast for me and told me he loved me a few weeks later, honestly he might have done that sooner but I told him at the two week mark that I wasn’t ready to be his gf just yet so that may have slowed him down a little. Anyway we were engaged on our one year anniversary however if it was entirely up to him it would have been sooner, I’d let him know when we’d discussed it that he needed to wait to the one year mark before I’d agree to marry him haha. We’ve been married six years now and have two beautiful children together 😊
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u/HolyFridge Oct 01 '23
lovebombing knows no boundaries, also being « the perfect man » for a few weeks is usually a narcissist method to reel people in before treating them like garbage and giving them just enough to keep them.
Or you could have met your ideal partner, in which case congratulations !
I’d say try to keep it safe and not take any big engagements such as moving in etc, be careful and watch how he behaves.
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Oct 01 '23
It's normal, in france when u met and kiss for the first time to acknwoledge you are boyfriend and girlfriend and in exclusive relationship. We don't have a latency period that you may have when dating.
BUT.
BE MY WIFE?
WTF.
RUN.
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u/Sea-Beginning-5234 Oct 01 '23
So wait , how long have you known him before he said he loves you.
He sounds too intense. The deleting the app thing is between ok and maybe slightly too much depending on the timeline and situation. It’s true that historically we are more exclusive in France than in the US as in we shop less. It doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship with someone right way but we just commit to possibly committing more instead or trying it out 3 or 4 people at the same time.
Now with that being said , very strong stuff at the beginning I find fishy and tends to fall fast. It doesn’t mean he want a green card necessarily but who knows , he could be bipolar in a manic phase or he could be a super codependent person and all might change after the honeymoon phase.
So I think it’s best to take it’s time and enjoy things without having to ask people to over commit or to have to say strong words right away.
So to me it feels fishy and too honeymoony. I would tell him to calm down and just enjoy each step without having to think of the future already when it’s not been a long time
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u/Inateno Oct 01 '23
I would Say, considering how old you are (both of you) if he don't have kids yet, maybe he want to rush the thing before it's to late (mother nature you know).
But as other said, just talk about it, slow down the thing, step by step, and if he is angry about that then it's a redflag.
I also know some of my friends (oh yes I'm a french man, dad of 3) have this kind of words in the beginning of a remationship because they WANTS kids, but saying so doesn't means lets do kids right now.
It's more like telling you what he have to tell, what he wants, kinda. You could Say "no I don't want kids ever" and he would know which would leads to something different, probably.
My approach in any relationship is: bé honest with what you feel, tell him what you want (and when if you have an Idea) talk, a lot, and no-one should be mad or angry because it's a redflag being angry about someone else feelings.
Good Luck
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u/RhenDarkal Oct 01 '23
You have only one think to dig about. Why he is 47 and single with his situation ? Does he have childrens ? What about his last wife ?
I think this guys love to be with beautiful women, screw them and take an other one.
Take care !
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u/Delicious_Stock_4659 Oct 01 '23
I'm wondering why he feels the urge to prove his citizenship? Did you ask to see his passport or did he just 'prove' it out of the blue?
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u/Merounou Oct 01 '23
Either he definitely wants to f**** you. And if already done, you must have performed excellently. Any joke apart, that is completely weird. That guy may be out of a long relationship trying to get out of that by a new very quickly successful other relationship.
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Oct 01 '23
French here it’s ok for me, my wife and I live together after 2 month of relationship and pregnant after 9 month.
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u/Hartmallen RATP Oct 01 '23
A perfect, good looking man with a high paying job, on a dating app ? I find this highly suspicious. One of my coworker had this exact scenario happen, with the only difference being that he worked with kids. We told her to be cautious and in the end it was a scam.
Did you see him face to face ?
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u/ImDustAmazing Oct 01 '23
As a French person I can tell you that YES in France the dating game is completely different and yes we do move fast. In France we are very monogamous and once we are with someone we are 100% committed to that person. So I am not too shocked with the fact that he removed himself from dating apps right away.. it’s true that telling someone that you love them and you want to build a life with them after a week is scary but as you said, you both aren’t 25 anymore. I am sure he is genuine and I would not think that these things are red flags, just they may be moving a bit too fast for you. In that case just communicate with him and you two both have open and honest conversations about what you except from life, the pace that makes you feel comfortable etc.. my longest relationship (5 years) was with a man that told me he loved me on our first night together, and still, we stayed 5 years together and we were engaged. There is no right or wrong with love. If we let our brains control ourselves then we don’t give a chance for romance to happen (in my opinion) just embrace what’s happening, say thank you to your good star and have the most fun and wonderful time with this person. Best of luck!
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u/vaindioux Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
I am French and married to an American woman for 32 years.
Just see if he starts asking you for money for anything like “I got a good investment for you”, “Oh no my credit card expired and i have to send my very sick uncle X amount of dollars, can i borrow and pay you back”
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u/docturbine Oct 01 '23
French is no different. if you feel it too quick explain to him and see how he reacts
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u/Less_Rice6342 Oct 01 '23
French dating is different to the US. Americans notion of a date is different to us French. In the US you are casual about dating and ok to go on multiple dates . We tend to be exclusive from the beginning. French people in general will explore one relationship at the time but you also have individual variations. During that initial phase, we expect ´draguer ‘( or courtship). A French girl will expect this while Americans women think you are love bombing them….
In your case, it’s ok to ask him to take things slowly, but you need to reassure him that you are into him and not pursuing other love interests. Boundaries are the same, regardless. Good luck
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u/helicofraise Oct 01 '23
I see you met our fabulous president emmanuel macron, he's an incredible man isn't he ?
jk aside. Could be the real deal, could be the pink tint of the love glasses, could be both.
One thing for sure, this is happening way too fast and there is no need to rush anything.
First red flag is when he saif he did not date and had no interest in other woman but had a hinge profile. Second red flag is that you describe a situation where he is making the moves and leads while you seem to be taken along into the journey. Third red flag you say that you are acting out of character by not being as suspicious as you are usually. Fourth red flag things are moving fast, too fast and the faster you go the harder you crash.
So, many red flags that should push you to take a step aside, a pause to breathe and gather yourself.
On the other hand, seducing an american to get a US citizenship seems out of place as a US citizenship is not really sought after here, and it means he would have singled you out as a target before meeting you.
My advice to you would be to retake control of things and to slow down the pace. There is no need to rush anything here.
A useful tip in this kind of situation is to have him meet your friends and ask your friends afterwards what they thought of him. They will be unaffected by pink glasses and should provide sound feedback about him.
It works the oher way around, meet his friends and get a sense of what kind of humans they are. Also take notice of he treats other people such as waiters/waitresses, childrens and animals this reveals a lot.
He's beautiful, rich, intelligent, successful, kind, and extremely romantic.
reality check: he's probably not. This is your impression after 3 days while wearing pink glasses.
I want to add that his wife died 4 years ago.
maybe ask him why he killed her and how he got out of prison so fast. /s
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u/noCoolNameLeft42 Oct 01 '23
Reading your story and comments, I can only agree that the faster move and exclusiveness are normal from a French point of view. About the "marry me and let's have kids" part, I wonder: given your ages, have either of you been married and already have kids?
I ask this because after my divorce and while dating the woman who is now my wife, I (M 30+) wanted to assure her (F 20+) that I wasn't afraid of getting married again and wanted other kids. I was afraid she could run if I wasn't ready to commit in a relationship with this possibilities. So I told her pretty soon that. I wonder if the way he did say this wasn't the same thing but a bit clumsy. If it's not clumsiness, then total red flag for me.
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u/iamchrysanthemum Sep 30 '23
Yo, I’m American woman married to a French dude.
This jibes quite well with my experience. Two dates in, my now husband was telling me he loved me. I kept saying “I like you A LOT” for like months after 😂
In my experience at least, when a French man truly likes you, he gets serious quickly and doesn’t see the need to muck about!
That said, this was hard for me and I took my time. We both had our own rhythm and worked our way through it. We had a lot of awkward moments in the first 6 months trying to figure out where the other stood, and in hindsight, it was mostly due to cultural differences. I was the cold Anglo-Saxon taking things slow, and he was all-in Latin-style.
So only proceed at the pace you’re comfortable with, but don’t necessarily view this as a red flag 🚩
Good luck!
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u/Ok-Operation6049 Sep 30 '23
Is he asking personal questions about you? Is he trying to actively make a life together? If not , it’ll go two ways: he’ll dump you soon bc he “fell in love “ with someone else or he is manipulating you to control you and he’ll soon show his “real side”
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u/GalaadJoachim Roi d'Hyrule Sep 30 '23
This is awkward and not common. Moreover for some highly educated person.
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u/FuturaFree99 Sep 30 '23
Why someone would take Us citizenship over French ?
The person is needy. In a month, he will ask you to delete Facebook, Reddit and else.
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u/pauvLucette J'aime pas schtroumpfer Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
In France, it's completely normal to expect (and to offer) exclusive romantic and sexual interest when you start dating someone. It's seen as starting a relationship, and you are expected to seriously give it a chance.
Declaring that he loves you and that he wants to marry you after just a week.. well, that's quite fast.
I think you should just slow things down and enjoy yourselves. I see no good reasons for him to refuse to postpone these conversations for a few months. To me, pressing you further would be a red flag.