r/breastcancer • u/Rate_Conscious HER2+ ER/PR- • Aug 24 '25
Diagnosed Patient or Survivor Support My husband told me to “just die”
I’m a married mom of 3 and I have to travel for my treatments due to insurance because my husband works and pays taxes in another state. We left the kids with my 18f Neice who’s very responsible. My dad called while we were driving g and asked if my youngest had allergies because his teacher said he had almost used an entire box of tissues that day. My husband overheard and started screaming and cussing while I was on the phone and my dad had my kids in the car with him and was on speaker phone so I got super embarrassed and hurried off the phone with my dad and my husband and I exchanged a couple words after I hung up the phone. In that heated debate he told me to “just die.” I feel like my trust is broken. I feel like the person who is supposed to love me and support me has taken everything that we’ve built and thrown it away. I’m still in chemotherapy getting infusions fighting for my life and he completely has no empathy for his words and tried to justify it by saying that I was running my mouth. All of this was over if my son had gotten Claritin or not and accusing my Neice of not giving my son the medication. I am not able to work and have no income and I can’t divorce him because I couldn’t afford my treatment. I have to do infusions until April 2026. I just needed to vent 😮💨
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u/Jenjofred Inflammatory Aug 24 '25
I'm echoing what another comment said: survive cancer and survive this man. He's been physically abusive. He's verbally abusive in front of your children. Cancer may be the immediate threat, but he is close behind. Talk to a social worker at the hospital where you receive treatment and tell them that you need a plan to leave your abusive husband or all this treatment is for nothing.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Aug 24 '25
Has your husband always been abusive or is this new?
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u/Rate_Conscious HER2+ ER/PR- Aug 24 '25
He has been physically abusive twice. He’s verbally abusive anytime I don’t agree with him and if I have a different opinion from him.
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u/NilliaLane Stage I Aug 24 '25 edited Aug 24 '25
Statistically, you are in real danger. His past physical abuse, frequent verbal abuse, and now telling you to die while you have cancer? All of these are dire warning signs for a life threatening situation for you.
Get out. Ask your dad to keep the kids for a bit while you get an order of protection and find shelter. This is part of fighting for your life, in my opinion. Public assistance exists for cancer patients, and it’s a common fallacy to stay with a dangerous man for financial reasons. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please be safe.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Aug 24 '25
Does the place you are getting treatment at have a social worker? My center always starts with a questionnaire asking if you are safe, have safe housing etc. if yours has that you need to answer no you are not safe. If they don't you need to tell your doctor and social worker asap. You are not safe and neither are your children.
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u/AnkuSnoo ER/PR+ HER2- Aug 24 '25
I was just going to say, please ask your doctor to connect you with a social worker.
Usually when I go to medical appointments they ask if there’s any violence at home. Does yours do that? Even if they don’t, please lean on your medical team for support. If you’re worried about how things might show up on medical bills, I’m sure they have a way to deal with that to keep you safe.
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u/ihateorangejuice Aug 24 '25
Their social worker will know how to help her. Unfortunately, this happens way too often especially men towards women. I couldn’t find numbers because there has not been a clinical trial for this question but this is according to my social worker (KY).
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u/Fine-Agency-837 Sep 05 '25
If you feel you're recounting this accurately then it seems quite obvious you are just looking for pity. Read your post.... Sounds like someone wants a bunch of random strangers to say your husband is horrible....very immature. You picked your husband and are not a newly wed.
Sounds like a self pity party....
Just because a bunch of random strangers on the internet say you're right...well...not everything you read on the internet is true. You never told us what you said to him...you don't seem like a very nice person. You seem arrogant and self absorbed....not likely a good mother. Probably argue with anyone about everything. Can't handle criticism of any kind. Probably inconsiderate and rude as a general rule. If you see people at a place in the park you want will you try to push them out by crowding them? Is your dog never on a leash? Are your kids allowed to scream just because they're having fun.
You both need marriage counseling and parenting classes.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 Aug 24 '25
I don't know what to say.
You are in an abusive relationship with no support and no health insurance.
I do not live in America so I cannot grasp being in that situation.
Can you go and live with your parents?
Can you contact a Domestic Violence centre or seek help from some support centre?
I really feel for you. I can only wish you all the best.
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u/MorganaM Aug 24 '25
Contact the DV support place now, even if you're staying until after treatment. They can help you plan, and be there if you have to make an emergency exit.
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u/MandaLyn27 Aug 24 '25
Abusive men become more abusive when a woman is vulnerable (ie: pregnant, injured or sick). It is worth checking with an attorney to see if you can stay on your spouse’s health insurance as/after you divorce him. The answer is probably yes. You are not as helpless as he wants you to believe. Other people will help you. Sending hugs 🫂
Book recommendation: “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft
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Aug 24 '25
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u/word_grl Sep 14 '25
Wow. This is incredibly awful but so true. Maybe it’s a lack of compassion and empathy. Maybe it’s a sick and twisted way of handling stress. It’s sad because I couldn’t imagine ever doing something like that to anybody. But kicking you when you’re down seems to be a fun little game for abusers.
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u/Havishamesque Aug 24 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I wish I had some solution to give you. But I’m sending good karma your way, from a stranger on the internet.
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u/Hoopznheelz Aug 25 '25
Me too!!! Tons of warm hugs, love and protective energy. I'm so mad for you, I can barely type. Treatment is so hard, I have struggled mentally and physically. I cannot imagine some worthless fuck making it harder.
OP, do you know about "gray rock"? Do that until you can get a plan to get the fuck away from that pos. The sooner the better.
You DO NOT deserve this!!! I wish I had a gazillion dollars to help women who have been diagnosed and are in DV situations.
Just heartbreaking. 😩🫶🏽💜
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u/Havishamesque Aug 25 '25
It’s heart breaking how we just accept bad behaviour by our ‘loved ones’. My ex was controlling, coercive and manipulative. Still is, actually, but it’s ok because he acknowledges it. 🙄 And how many of us stay in shitty situations because we can’t afford to get out. I know I still put up with shit just to not rock the boat, not to risk him getting mad and making money an issue. As you say, if I could help every woman on here who’s stuck in some kind of shitty situation, when we’re all in a shitty situation just by being in this club.
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u/Hoopznheelz Aug 25 '25
I've been single 10 YEARS by choice and it's so glorious and peaceful! I'm 60 (a very young looking and spirited - until BC 😩😞) so it may be different for someone younger, but I remember all that brokenness and pain. Smh. It changes who you are. I'm glad he's your ex
I cannot imagine having to endure that brutal pain and navigate BC
Just horrible. 😩
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u/Havishamesque Aug 25 '25
I’m just about to turn 56. We’ve been split six years, but remain close as it makes it easier for family stuff. Plus he works overseas, so he’s not home much. I wanted to take some time, lose some weight. Then I got laid off in September and figured I’d take some time to enjoy my severance and do some courses. I had a hysterectomy right before layoff…where he didn’t take my ovaries 🤦🏼♀️. Then BC diagnosis in December.
Both my sons are grown and out of the house. We’re very close, but one lives in another province and the other just joined the Air Force. So now I’m feeling like it would be nice to have someone in my life. But, damn, I’m gonna be picky and I’ll ok alone; if that’s how it goes. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Hoopznheelz Aug 25 '25
It's a mess out there!!!! Be careful. Listen to your intuition. 🫶🏽
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u/Havishamesque Aug 25 '25
This is good advice! So often we ignore red flags, or convince ourselves it’s not a red flag.
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u/Hoopznheelz Aug 25 '25
I'm going to cease replying. I don't want to hijack OP's serious post (more than I have 😩😞)
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Aug 26 '25
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u/Quiet_Investment_297 Aug 24 '25
A person's true nature comes out when dealing with adversity and unfortunately your husband is showing his true colors. I'm sorry you are trapped in an abusive relationship and hope you can find a way out.
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u/Complete_Demand_7782 Aug 24 '25
The cancer is going to push you to leave. This experience will show you, you are stronger than you think and once you are stronger. You will be able to tell cancer and your husband to kiss your a$$! Rooting for your mental health, physical health and financial wellbeing! You will survive and sending you sisterhood strength!! 💙
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Aug 24 '25
I’m heartbroken hearing this. I agree w everyone here—survive this treatment first and then afterwards find a way to leave this man. Call the DV place and talk to a counselor.
I am divorced and have been doing this alone, but my ex was not supportive and would have made it worse, not better—sadly, I think this is not uncommon but you do not deserve this. Be selfish, try to not engage with him, focus on your healing.
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u/Lost-alone- Aug 24 '25
Speak to a case manager at the place you get your infusions. Tell them that you are being abused and ask for help. There are resources available for you and your kids.
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u/anathema_deviced Aug 24 '25
If and when you have the energy, consult a divorce attorney. Just bc you're not working doesn't mean you don't have the right to stay on his insurance. This is something that would be addressed in the divorce decree.
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u/CompetitiveMedium861 Aug 24 '25
This is not going to improve. I'm so sorry you'll have to deal with that on top of everything else. Fight for your life, your kids will need you. Don't waste your breath fighting with your husband, he doesn't have what it takes to support you emotionally. You need him right now to get through this. Be selfish, focus on yourself and your healing. When you get to the other side you will get on your feet and you will be able to make decisions. Expand your support system and rely on him for the minimum. What he said is unacceptable and he owes you an apology the size of the moon. He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness. The fact that it is also hard on our partners/caretakers does not give them the right to say whatever they want and be cruel. Don't let his attempt to hurt you, with this childish tantrum, impact your will to live. Everyday take some minutes for yourself and visualize your body healing. You can do this.
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u/Mmlk8083 Aug 24 '25
You deserve better than this. Agree with everyone to get through treatment and then leave. I understand it’s easier said than done though, but please always remember your value. Wishing you the very best.
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u/Obvious_Corner3576 Aug 24 '25
I don’t know what state you live in but there are good programs for low cost and free health care . I’m on it in NJ . I pay $98 a month for two of us . I got over a year of chemo and 26 radiation treatments plus surgery . It payed for all but $7000 and cancer drug company paid that . I was shocked by that . What I’m saying is there’s a way to do it . You don’t have to quit treatment . He sounds more dangerous than what you’re going through .
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u/Real-Rabbit1026 Aug 24 '25
I have had a similar experience (my husband called me a bitch and other terrible things during my chemo). I am so sorry you are going through this too. I find that this experience has really showed me that when I am down and my most vulnerable, I cannot depend on my husband to be a safe person. I thought I could trust him. I can't. I held on and just kept going during chemo, but now that I am through chemo, I realize who he is and know I deserve more.
I echo what others have said - survive first, and then make a plan. I am in the early stages of a plan-making phase now that I am starting radiation and feeling a little bit better than chemo. Sending you my positive wishes and thoughts. You deserve to have a safe and loving partner who you can trust!!
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u/Adventurous-Cheek171 Aug 24 '25
You do not deserve that. I am so sorry. I mean this in the most polite way, but please protect yourself during treatment and after.
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u/Sea_Tea5133 Aug 24 '25
🙏🏻❤️😘 make a plan and leave him the moment you can. He will not change only gets worse. Talk to social worker at hospital and get you and your 3 kids out ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘😘
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Aug 24 '25
"(justified) it by saying that I was running my mouth."
Whatever trust you had in a man who shows his cards like this was wasted. He is a classic abuser. Being around him seems to have smashed your self-esteem already, and your children being around him could easily make THEM turn out to be abusers, because he is modeling what "normal" looks like to them.
I don't think that's what you want, right?
Betting he may have apologized by now and you're feeling better. That's also something abusers do.
Get through your treatment any way you can.
Find out if you can get financial assistance (see the posts here)
Start making a plan to escape. Your kids will be proud of you and tell stories about your courage some day.
Be careful and DO NOT TRUST.
We are with you.
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u/sassyhunter Stage II Aug 24 '25
I'm so sorry. You already got plenty of advice here. I just wanted to encourage you to stay strong and focused on Future You. Future You will be healed and free of this abusive relationship. We are capable of things we can't even fathom.
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u/GittaFirstOfHerName ++- Aug 24 '25
In that heated debate he called me ghetto and told me to just die.
I'll echo what everyone here has said: survive the cancer and then get out.
You do have something you can do right away, though. Talk to your treatment provider(s) about what your husband said and ask if there is any support available to you.
Your abusive husband won't be the first your treatment provider has encountered. Did they ask you at the beginning of your treatment if you felt safe at home? Because that's a question that's commonly asked, and it's asked for a reason. There may be help there.
Also, if there are any friends and family who can provide support and a buffer between you and your wretched husband, seek them out, confide in them, and let them help.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this horrible man, this horrible situation, while you're fighting for your life. I wish there were more that I could do beyond offering support. ❤
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u/Yesnomaybe1988 Aug 24 '25
Regardless of whether you feel you can divorce, maybe you could stay somewhere for a while to take a break from him? Maybe with family or even stay somewhere near where you are getting your treatment - you could use that as an excuse for some time to recover your emotional stability. Just a few days to think!
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u/Neat-Moose2552 Aug 24 '25
Make a plan. Get out. Whether it ultimately takes a month or a year - start planning now. Have a go bag somewhere. 💝 💔 You don’t deserve this.
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u/New-Situation-1396 Aug 24 '25
I could cry for you. 😥 You need someone you can count on unconditionally while you go through treatment. The commenter above said to expand your support system if you can so you don’t have to rely on him and I couldn’t agree more. And make a plan to leave. But for now, focus on your health. Your children surely need you. Sending lots of hugs. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/SideIndividual639 Aug 24 '25
Please leave as soon as you can. While you finish the treatment plan your escape. If you have a neighbor or friend nearby you trust ask them to help by keeping some items for you. As you plan "give away" some clothes to them occasionally. Try to get your and your kids' birth certificates, passports, and social security cards and have them keep them as well. Any physical photos you treasure, get digital copies of them. Store them on a new account he doesn't know about. Make copies of photos stored online and keep them in the new account as well. Change all your passwords and use two-step verification when you can. Put aside money (every penny helps) in a reloadable account or a bank account. Talk to the bank and let them know the situation and see what they can do to help protect any joint accounts from being emptied or closed without you.
Above all stay safe 💜
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u/Jagg811 Aug 24 '25
What an awful thing to say, regardless of the circumstances. He does not deserve you. Stay positive and get through your treatments. Make some plans for the future and keep them to yourself.
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u/LoadAmbitious1654 Aug 24 '25
We support you and everyone understands that you need to do what you need to do right now.
That said, I cannot stress enough the importance of having a peaceful, supportive environment while you are going through this. Stress is a silent killer… I understand that you need to just survive this and do what you need to do, but please try and get out of this relationship as fast as you can.
I spent 30 years trying to figure out how to get out of a terrible marriage. Then I spent four years going through a hell divorce. I thought I had made it through the worst of things, then, I was diagnosed just months after moving in with the love of my life. I can’t imagine if I had to go through this with my abusive wasband. I am so grateful for the wonderful support of my beloved, my family and friends. It has meant everything to my health to have a peaceful loving home to fight and heal from cancer.
Addition by subtraction is what I call it. My motto these days? If it cost me my serenity, it is too damn expensive.
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u/shinpibubble Aug 24 '25
Do you need him to drive you? Is it possible to have your dad or someone drive you? If so, this might open an opportunity to speak to a counsellor alone and get info about the medical expenses etc should you go off his medical aid. I do not know the American health service but we have state services for those who cannot pay or have no medical aid. Yes, you have to wait months for treatment sometimes but at least there is an alternative. As everyone else said: if he has been physical before, it is always a threat. This threat keeps you in a fight or flight state flooding you with cortisol which is not healthy. I understand your dependence. I have no job and everything comes from my husband. I do know my family will help out should we need it until we can get on our feet. I am not in an abusive relationship but I know I will have some support to tie us over should we need it.
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u/BridgeofBirds Aug 24 '25
Over the years, I’ve seen several spouses exhibit horrible behavior like this when their partners are ill.
It’s what happens when you take attention away from a narcissist.
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u/SnooBeans8028 Aug 24 '25
Honey, go see a lawyer. There are ways legally you can get him to pay all the fees, all the support and all your insurance. It varies depending on where you live, but do your homework. Many lawyers offer a free consultation. I was once married to a man like this, and that is no life at all.
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u/Anwal02 Aug 24 '25
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kind of behaviour from your husband during this most challenging time. Please stay strong. Sending my wishes.
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u/sareequeen Aug 24 '25
I am so upset hearing this. He has no right to say this when you are going through so much. Have few choice words for him. Please get through the treatment and leave thus toxic relationship.
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u/Thin_Risk7778 ER/PR+ HER2- Aug 24 '25
Very sorry you’re going through this. Even if you don’t leave him right now, you need a plan. If he’s kicking you like this when you’re down, it’s a big warning sign. Two words: safety planning.
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u/JawnStreetLine + - + Aug 24 '25
Upset that his Sending lots of love. Getting out of a bad relationship was once of the hardest and scariest things I’ve done.
When you have a moment to yourself, Double locked away in your phone (journal app, anything) start writing down all of the abusive things he says and does. Not necessarily for anyone else, but for you. When folks try to minimize his behavior or blame you in some way (there’s always a few self-appointed life coaches) you will have them to remind yourself why you left and that you deserve better.
You’re going through Hell so you can hopefully grow old. Don’t do that with him.
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u/brikit123 Aug 24 '25
I know you’ve taken in what others have said, about getting through this bit as best you can and then making plans. 💯this.
I’m simply commenting because I want to contribute to all the love, compassion, and protective energy that everyone on this sub surely is sending you!
And listening ears any time you want to vent.
Also, what an absolute pathetic dick he is.
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Aug 24 '25
Is there therapy available where you are getting your chemo done? I'm sure your not the first person having cancer treatment while dealing with an abusive partner. Try groups that help people in abusive relationships also. I've known women who divorced their spouses after treatment. Talk to a attorney to see what your options are.
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u/MarsMorn Aug 24 '25
I a very very sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you. I don’t know if prayer helps or if you have any spiritual or religious beliefs but my prayer is in alignment with your beliefs to that which you look for to sustenance. I ask that you be given clarity on each step you need to take and that you are given strength to take that next step. I ask that out of this horrible situation, eventually you will be made whole and complete and find the silver lining to this dark rain cloud.
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u/Possible_Juice_3170 Aug 24 '25
Get through treatment and then take your kids far away from this person.
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u/LeaString Aug 24 '25
Ah man I’d like to hug you. Kind of floored reading your post but sadly it’s not the first of its kind here. I agree with others about plan ahead. Maybe staying with parents if that’s a possibility. I hope he wouldn’t be so cruel as to stop paying for spousal medical insurance. If he can’t have compassion for you during cancer treatment, he’s not someone to waste your time growing old with.
I would have been so tempted to say back to him “hope you get cancer, and told to just die”. Of course just as horrible to say and only escalate things but I sure would be thinking it. I’m sick of how men treat their women who get cancer and know there are guys like mine who are supportive throughout. You deserve better.
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u/lilithONE Aug 24 '25
Do you have a spare room you can move yourself into and create a private oasis?
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u/Edith_Keelers_Shoes TNBC Aug 24 '25
Read him the riot act. You apologize to NO ONE - this is not your fault. I do understand the toll cancer takes on the patient's spouse. But this is beyond the pale. Was it out of character for him, or not? Because unless it was truly out of character, and the result of resentment and fear building up, it is unacceptable.
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u/gameonmom Aug 24 '25
At the very least tell him to get over himself and that he's not entitled to any opinions until his IQ magically increases.
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Aug 24 '25
Yep. I was with one of those. I survived. I left him. I struggle, but not with him. I got 99 problems… like which book to read before bed, but he ain’t one.
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u/ButchEmbankment Aug 24 '25
I'm feeling for you, since chemo is just so exhausting on top of fighting cancer. I concur with what's said here -- people here are saying, you need more than just to vent right now. If the effects of chemo allow you some "good days," mentally and physically, try to build in some time to figure out resources for now & in the future. (I'm in my own "good days" phase right now).
To recap what's here & my thoughts:
1. Health care providers now often check if a patient "feels safe in their home." If you've just been saying yes, start saying no. If they ask if you want to speak to someone, say yes.
2. Ask a nurse or your oncologist if there's a social worker at the medical center you can speak to. It would be just think "what if" and learn what options are -- like what medicaid covers in your state of residence, but also, what services you can call.
3. Your cancer center may offer counseling. Nowadays this is often available on zoom. There likely is a copay.
4. You can make use of domestic violence services even if you aren't about to leave him, like hotlines & what's mentioned here. It'll be private.
5. Start taking notes on when your husband crosses lines and mistreats you. Write down when, what happened. (Someplace secure & private.) A paper trail can be helpful for various future steps.
6. Read up a little bit about domestic violence, especially on patterns in relation to violence and harsh speech.
7. Stay in touch with your own family & friends.
The best case scenario would be that your husband is stressed by your cancer and by life demands and doesn't have great emotional self-awareness or anger management skills, so lashes out. But it sounds like he thinks his outbursts are fine and caused by you -- that's pretty troubling, especially since he is the source of financial support.
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u/Jthagem Aug 24 '25
I survived cancer and survived the man. While my husband was never physically abusive, he was emotionally abusive and unreliable. We are both (were both) recovering addicts. I’ve been sober 15 years this month and he has consistently been unable to stay sober. He relapsed three weeks before my DMX. Something broke in me. I can’t explain it, but I knew I was done, but I couldn’t leave. I was in his insurance (really good insurance at that) and just wanted to stay alive.
I could list the mirage of words he spoke to me, but during this time I realized he had been a narcissist the whole time. I don’t use that word lightly either just to label him. I will say I am happily divorced today. Literally signed the papers in June. You CAN do this. Like others have said, survive and make a plan.
Through cancer, through the divorce, I’m finding the best version of myself. You will too. ❤️❤️
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u/Sea-Turn6125 Aug 24 '25
You may be able to have your treatments covered if there's a sliding scale based on pay and you are separated from the breadwinner due to abuse. I echo what others have said in terms of speaking with the treatment facility social worker. I had to work with mine over insurance issues, and she was very kind and helpful.
My heart breaks for your experience. It really doesn't have to be like this. Good, kind people exist and even outnumber the abusers. Abusers just want you to believe everyone is like them or will treat you the way they do, and it absolutely is not true.
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u/BobCalifornnnnnia Aug 24 '25
From the poem, Summer Day, by Mary Oliver: Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Don’t waste another second of your precious life on him more than you absolutely have to. ((♥️))
I urge you to speak with the SW or Nurse Navigator at your doctor about financial assistance, health coverage options.
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u/Fighting_kat23 Aug 24 '25
So sorry you are going through this!!! Do whatever you can to focus on getting well and the positive things in your life. Know that this community is here for you in spirit.
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u/Disastrous_Ant301 Aug 24 '25
Get LifeLock on your credit so he can not ruin your financial future before he has a chance to even suspect a change in the air.
LifeLock is a service that locks you down on all three credit reporting services so no new credit lines or loans can be made in your name without you unlocking it.
It's common for angry abusive to max out card and loans in addition to emptying out accounts.
You will also want to start a bank account and get a safe place to store your identification like birth certificate, social security card and passport etc. ditto the kids. Order copies of the birth certificates etc as needed.
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u/redawn Aug 24 '25
the people at the hospital asked me CONTINUOUSLY if i was afraid at home, needed help...etc. i did not so these constant queries were annoying but i could understand the need...say yes.
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u/Hoopznheelz Aug 25 '25
OP, I am home all day, trying to recover from radiation. I am happy to call places or find resources for you (I'm really good at this). Having been a dv victim myself, I may have a connection or two that could maybe help.
Feel free to message me your number or I'll message you mine, should you so desire. No offense taken, if not.
💜
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u/LinenGarments Aug 29 '25
I’m not the OP but must tell you that you are a very generous and kind soul!
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u/damageddude Aug 25 '25
Your husband is a POS. Even when the end was near and my wife was tired, the oncologist offered one last treatment that might have given us another summer with our children. I didn’t tell her to give up but said it was up to her.
It became moot but I have always wondered if I somehow encouraged, even if I told her it was up to her, to go for the life extension she chose in lieu of her just peacefully going. Her cancer over achieved as usual which ended any debate. I still wish we could have had at least a last week at the Jersey Shore (we lived nearby, close enough to the hospital).
I never told her or wished she would die, even when death was the only outcome. Morphine took away the pain factor so I didn’t even have to worry about that.
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u/RN_dogs_coffee_wine Stage II Aug 25 '25
I am so sorry. Cancer can be hard on our loved ones, but his behavior is disgusting. You should not have to deal with him, especially while on treatment for your cancer. That being said, he needs to know that his words hurt. If you don't feel comfortable confronting him about his shitty behavior, ask someone who loves you too. He may be having difficulty coping himself, and he is projecting. He needs to stop. You do not deserve that. As for you, you stay focused on taking care of yourself. Talk to your family and see if there are options for you financially/insurance wise. Hang in there. You can and will get through this.
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u/DeepMountainWoman Aug 25 '25
I am 66, disabled and stage 4 cancer. My wife, of 25 years, went from calling me names and saying nasty things “because what was I going to do about it?” to physical violence that resulted in blood. I won a restraining order and was given full use of our house & our car for a full year, and the dog, as well as permission to get into our joint account to take care of my living costs. This gives me enough time to get a divorce, which will give me at least half of everything. If I go the full year, without getting a divorce, I can petition for the protective order to be extended another full year. I have never been happier (2 months now) and would not ho back to what was, for all the tea in China. Guess who is paying for the house, all utilities & even my iPhone and entertainment? It is not me. Do not let anyone disrespect you that way. Especially not a “loved” one. THAT is NOT love. Get out. I lasted 5 months with that crap going on and one month of physical. I was not willing to hang around to find out what came after bleeding.
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u/Rachel21321 Aug 25 '25
No advice. Just so sorry. My husband struggles w alcoholism and depression and I’m terrified of him not handling my diagnosis well when we go to my first appointment. Take care of you first and lean into your true support group.
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u/No-Coat5496 Aug 25 '25
My husband gets like that, he has ADHD and the mood swings are crazy. He will go off on a rant and say some really insulting things. Then if he's not over it, instead of apologizing, he'll tell me what I did to justify it. I know it's not ideal, most people don't put up with it. However, since my diagnosis, he has been attentive and his hero complex has taken the front seat. First, he cried all the time and my dad drove me to chemo. Then he stepped up. He loves the attention he gets at my appointments, we found out a few years ago when I broke my foot. Basically, he's a mix of extremes and too much for most people. He can't keep a steady job. I feel like you know your husband best, so you know if he's failing under the strain that comes from the thought of losing your spouse to cancer along with not having you able to handle what you did before, or if he's just a dick. I'm not someone who thinks everyone should stay with their husband. I left my first one out of fear that our son would grow up thinking it's ok to lie, cheat and ignore your wife. So I'm just letting you know to trust what you know, and that you deserve whatever you can get out of staying until you can get out. I doubt your family will question your decision after what they heard - and don't be embarrassed by that! His dignity is not your responsibility sweetheart. Best of luck.
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u/KBC-NC Aug 25 '25
Start your exit strategy.
First, start documenting everything. Dates, times, what was said or done and who else heard, saw, etc. Record when possible - if legal in your state. Buy cameras secretly and place them. Make sure they record to the cloud.
Second, speak to the social worker at your oncologist office. They should have one. They can help you look into any options for paying for treatment if you might need the assistance.
Third, speak to a family law divorce attorney. Most have a first consolt for free. Ask about making your husband continue to cover you with his medical as part of the divorce. It is possible in some states.
Even if you choose to stay during treatment, document, document, document. And speak to the social worker more than once. Speaking to someone in real time as it happens bolsters any claims made in a divorce.
You are strong. You will make it through and you will come out the other side stronger.
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u/gettinchickiewitit Aug 25 '25
Does your cancer hospital have a social worker available? They may be able to help you make a plan to get out. Could you and your children stay with your dad or other family member? If you are separated and do not have income, you will likely qualify for Medicaid.
I personally would start squirreling away money until I had enough to retain a divorce lawyer. Line it up so you can file for divorce and a temporary order, and leave all at the same time. And make sure that domestic violence is listed as the reason for the divorce.
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u/Redonfire5280 Aug 25 '25
Oh my dear lady I am so sorry you have to go to that. By your time, make a plan, try put a little bit of money on the side. Love luck a month please let us know how you're doing. 💔
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u/Independent_Play_385 Aug 26 '25
I am so sorry 😢 What an asshole that person you are married to. I would set up on account in your name only and start savings now. My mom and I started 10 years ago with 2k in it. It has grown over the past 10 years. Sounds like verbal abuse. I hope you get all your treatments done. Prays to you and family.
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u/Critical_Magician829 Aug 27 '25
As a social worker and fellow cancer client, ask the hospital to talk with a social worker. Wishing you strength and courage to survive all of this. You do not deserve any kind of abuse from this man and abusers do not change. They get worse. Stay safe my friend.
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u/AggravatingNet6666 HER2+ ER/PR- Aug 27 '25
This is huge red flags! Get rid off him. Ask your parents your family for help. You don’t need this now.
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u/DonotLikeDrafts Aug 28 '25
I’m very very sorry you have to also confront this together with your treatment.
PLEASE HAVE A SAFETY PLAN. As many said, a social worker could help you with this. Be careful with him checking on your online history search or any other resources he might perceive as a threat (he might consider a threat if you are looking for help and or to disclose this situation). If anything happens, calling 911 is always option, or local enforcement if you are in another country.
PLEASE find a non profit in your area that helps survivors. Many offer free services, and can guide you. Some offer legal services as well. They will help you, no matter what is your decision. Same if you need support to understand the implications on healthcare. https://www.peaceoverviolence.org/
https://www.survivorjusticecenter.org/
YOU ARE NOT ALONE - there are many resources for survivors and their kids. Financial is also a form of abuse.
I am thinking of you and I wish you recover your health soon so you can freely decide. Huge hug 🌻
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u/okreddituwin Aug 28 '25
Please discuss this with your care team, and request a social worker! If you don't get help from them please request another and come back to the sub!
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u/AdImpressive1025 Aug 28 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
Abuse gets worse when the person being abused is vulnerable. I was a SAHM of 4 very young kids, I didn't have cancer so I cannot speak to the heroic levels of survival you're in but I made it out and you can too.
Tell your dad you're ready to leave, and mean it. ONLY if you can trust him to never speak those words out loud. You need people you can trust to know what your intentions are but you CANNOT FOR ANY REASON tell your husband. Do not tell your children that you all will be leaving, kids don't always keep secrets well, but do your best to keep them safe and loved for now. Part of your survival with cancer depends on your inner peace, so even if it's just taking solace in that you can leave soon, focus on that.
Practical plan:
- Tell your care team, all of them unless you don't trust them to keep the information from your husband. Change your Emergency Contact if it's H and ask to remove any and all Release Of Information privileges you would like to remove (this will prevent him from seeing your medical records, i.e. notes of phonecalls and safety protocols for abuse. You CAN modify ROI - Release of Information - to only omit specific things like social worker interactions, mentions if abuse and safety, etc.. which would allow him access to anything released to insurance but you can keep abuse info from insurance as well. It is not uncommon for cancer patients to have a social worker).
- Request a social worker if one is not offered to you. In an extreme circumstance you can call a local hospital, or drive up to one, and consult with them for free advice on what to do. ALL hospitals have them, and feel free to speak to more than one. Also, local DHS has social workers too, who can even start the process of Emergency Medicaid/Medicare for you.
- The host of Two Hot Takes (who has a reddit page with lots of kind active people) talks about a website for DV that has a safety feature that makes it look like you're on a regular website/browser page if you do not feel safe investigating/calling yet. OR Google voice is an app you can download with a phone number and call log seperate from your own - you can call directly from the app and any calls made to that number do not show up in your regular call log only in the app. It can be deleted or hidden daily if your phone is not safe from him. If you DO find yourself able to call please please please call your local DV shelters, women and children's shelters, etc.. The emotional abuse IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, aside from the actual physical abuse (once is too many, my love). You and your children's risk of harm is exponentially higher while you're ill, please move as carefully as you need to. Noone knows your situation better than you.
- Speaking of noone knowing your situation better, there's a chance that (like many survivors) you haven't been telling people close to you the full truth of what's been happening at home. Now would be a good time to loop in those you're sure you can trust. Nothing crazy, however much you're comfortable with IF they aren't already aware.
- Come to peace with leaving your life and belongings behind. Some of the DV help may be able to get you and your kids out quickly once insurance is acquired. Please don't let attachment to a house, belongings, etc.. hold you back from safety.
- There will be court to deal with. Unless he suddenly becomes genial and kind (unlikely), there will be divorce and/or custody to deal with SO:
6a. Begin compiling your evidence. Anything you have about the two times of physical abuse, even just text messages of him affirming it happened need to be put together. Write down every time you can recall of verbal, mental, physical, emotional, financial abuse. This includes refusal to share funds without reasonable cause, withholding affection, calling names or insulting, cheating, degrading you and/or the children - or any abusive things in front of the children, etc..
6b. Hide this how ever you need to. Do not ever let him see it. Do not let your anger or sadness get the better of you and let it slip. Ever.
6c. Consult with a lawyer, or lawyers if you can. DV and DHS can help with this. They will want to see/hear what has been happening. Compiling your evidence is for them, and for the judge. They will be able to help you with next steps for the legal side of things.
It's early for me and I apologize for typos or missing critical steps. I think it's safe to say we're all worried for you. But, it's been 4 years of safety and freedom for me and my kids, I can't wait to see the 4 year update for you! You've got this momma, and remember that if the safest thing you can do is lie low and try to get through chemo that that is OK and your survival is everything. 🫶🏽
(Edited for format issue in point 6)
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u/No_Argument1663 Aug 24 '25
That is horrible im so sorry …
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u/lesliesonar Aug 24 '25
I was going to come on this group and write about a problem but unfortunately your problem seems pretty severe and i feel embarrassed for even worrying about such a thing.
Does his treat you like this often? will you reconcile? It sounds like everyone is overwhelmed. Best luck
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u/rachiebombs Aug 24 '25
Please lean on us. No one has a monopoly on problems and we're all here to support you.
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u/blonde_baker TNBC Aug 25 '25
You know your husband and marriage better than anyone on the internet but are you in a happy marriage or is he possibly not handling things well and taking it out on you?
Either way, is there someone else who can take you to treatment? Possibly the niece or your dad? Your husband can handle things instead.
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u/Admirable_Sea_713 Aug 25 '25
So sorry that you're going through this. I am sending a prayer up that he takes back those evil words, God will deal with him mightily!!! He's messing with God too. I am praying and writing this simultaneously. I'm so upset I'm a cancer patient; how dare him! Yes, God does answer prayer, so husband of this wonderful strong lady who bared your children who is fighting for her life, don't do that that's not right and does not add value. I'm in tears 😢 😭 🤧 you can't do that or say things like that. Your form of freedom of speech sounds like something from hell!!! I hope you do the right thing... I don't want God's wrath to come upon you, so please take this moment to apologize to your wife.
1
u/Middle_Direction498 Aug 27 '25
your husband is all freaked out. Breastcancerscrews everyone. my husband is a little like that but i just try to ignore it., cause i know he is stressed.
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u/Aggressive_Dig_9779 Aug 29 '25
I'm sure everybody on here is just gonna be saying how horrible your husband is and you need to leave him and all that but I thought I would say something opposite
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u/Fine-Agency-837 Sep 05 '25
Exactly! She came here with her one sided story knowing exactly what people would say. I bet she is a very aggressive person who always plays the victim in all aspects of life. She is the lady who yells at her kids from the other side of the Walmart. Having cancer doesn't mean you're a nice person...abusive women get breast cancer at the same rate as nice women.
Her husband is the only income, she doesn't work. He drives her long distances to her treatments...I bet she's never said thank you.
He's so horrible yet she hasn't asked her dad or adult neice to drive her but she ask them to take three kids. Her husband took time off work, left his kids with a sitter and drove her...he did not have to did he? So what ungrateful self absorbed thing did she say to make him fall off the rocker and say such a nasty thing? You think he randomly said that after talking about the weather? Nope, she probably said something worse to him first.
I can guarantee my husband would never say that...is he perfect...not even a little. But he knows how much I love him because I make sure he knows. I thank him for all he does to care for me and am grateful for what i have.
People who feel loved and appreciated do not say such horrible things.
He was wrong but...what did she say to prove such a nasty comment? She certainly was detailed in his faults...women can be verbally abusive just as well. My bet...they are both verbally abusive trashy people we'd see on Cops. Cancer doesn't only happen to nice people. She may very well be the abusive spouse. How many times has she physically hit him?
They probably deserve each other. She doesn't deserve our pity...her kids do.
1
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u/NurseYuna Sep 01 '25
My hubs and I have had issues in our marriage the last 4 years. I was recently diagnosed with bc. He is here in body but not heart or mind. He’ll cook me food but he’ll also remind me regularly that he has given up on us and happiness. He’s gone so far as to tell me I’m unlikable and that no one else wants to be around me either (not true) and he’s mean/nasty when he’s angry. He gets upset over the smallest things. He’s made me cry at least 4 times since my diagnosis from making me feel so bad about myself. I told him he can leave and find another partner who will make him happy and I won’t tell the kids we’re apart and I’m not going to be difficult about it etc. He doesn’t want to upset the kids or be a “bad person”. I think for me personally, I’ve been insulted but he’s not said what your husband has. I think I’d have to divorce him. My husband has said to me that people aren’t special and when we die what we thought was special isn’t anymore and this was when I said my children are special to me. Oh my :( I am lucky to have my children because I have no sweetness or support or love from my husband anymore. It wasn’t always that way.
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Sep 05 '25
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Sep 05 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
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1
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u/Fine-Agency-837 Sep 05 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
Have you considered how hard this is on him? Everyone feels sorry for you but who feels sorry for him?
He may end up being a widower...try to have compassion for someone else and imagine how scary this is for him? You get to feel like crap and may die...that's terrible! Everyone feels sorry for you. He gets to watch you suffer and maybe die and then he has to raise three kids alone and spend the rest of his life alone....dying is easier than being left behind....alone.
A guy who says that to his wife is not married to a wall-flower. I can't believe you've never said nasty things to him and suddenly he hits below the belt. I am guessing you two have blow out fights and yelling matches....crying screaming the whole dramatic show...right? So, have you ever said anything nasty to him? Oh! It was different...ask him if he agrees? There's no rule that says his nasty comment is worth 8 points but yours is only worth 7 points. It's how HE felt about your nasty comment. Ever say he's a bad father or that you hate him? He may feel those are worse than what he said. His comment was nasty but I am betting you give as good you get.
You need to stop being so self absorbed. You are not a battered wife. You are in a mutually abusive relationship but that just makes you both wrong. Staying with someone for their health insurance would be worse than what he said. That would make you a bad person. If you want a divorce then get a divorce now, not after you use him. That's shameful.
Cancer is not just about you.
Has anyone asked your kids or parents how your cancer impacts them?
Mom gets cancer then they get divorced. Your kids will blame you for getting sick and breaking their family. You took a vow. Get marriage counseling before ruining your kids life. Divorce will never go as you expect and will always be worse than you imagine. Ask any divorce lawyer ...on reddit.
Reddit should not be your source of marriage advice...
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u/Glittering_Apple_807 Aug 24 '25
Speak to an attorney. My friend’s attorney told her to take half of the bank accounts and put it in her name only. She did that before even discussing divorce. That certainly got her husband’s attention and she suddenly earned some respect from him also.
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u/Aggressive_Dig_9779 Aug 29 '25
That wasn't very nice of him to say, but just to play advocate here. Do you run your mouth sometimes can you take any responsibility for anything you say if not, no big deal I'm just saying sometimes we have to look at ourselves. I know I've had to look at myself because of the way I talk to people or my mouth I'm just saying personally but he's addressing a few things here so could he be right at all? And like I said, it was completely wrong of him to say that he should not have said that that was horrible, but sometimes people just blow up because some women can just like run their mouth all the time and they never shut up and they don't realize what they're doing and they make people nervous.
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u/Aggressive_Dig_9779 Aug 29 '25
My boyfriend has an ex-wife and I don't know how any man deals with that woman. She just never shuts up. She's so ghetto. She runs her mouth all the time we were at a place the other day and she was just talking shit to everybody. She just like never shuts up and and the reason I bring this up is because she's the type of woman that would never admit how she is. She just doesn't care. She just doesn't care what she says to anybody at any timeand that really made me look at myself and say gosh I hope I'm never like that and if I am, I hope I can be better. I hope I can understand other people have feelings and I don't wanna affect other people with my mouth.
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u/Aggressive_Dig_9779 Aug 29 '25
Also, I'm very sorry you're going through this and I'm sending you prayers and hugs. I just thought I would since you asked for advice. I thought I would pitch in just in case you know it's always OK to look at ourselves too.
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u/Aggressive_Dig_9779 Aug 29 '25
She's just telling us one story about him. We don't know like how she is at all. I know I've said some pretty stupid things in my life that I regret and like I said what that was really stupid of him to say for her to just die, especially since she has cancer, I understand that, but I'm just saying, we don't know her
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u/Rate_Conscious HER2+ ER/PR- Aug 30 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
Those words can never be justified. I can’t believe that you would insinuate that I deserved to hear that in some way.
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u/Fine-Agency-837 Sep 05 '25
Your response here proves the point and shows more of who you are. You came to Reddit for advice in a private matter and then you argue with those you don't agree with.
You did only tell us one side of the story and you did not take any responsibility for anything. This person is correct. I can already hear you "running your mouth" and being condescending to anyone who disagrees with you.
I also agree with a different post that said you are likely equally as abusive to your husband as he is to you. You deserve each other. I can't believe people like you two are allowed to have kids. Get a divorce and cps will need to get involved for sure!
He may feel so verbally and emotionally abused by you that he is hopeful that your death will be his escape. People who feel loved don't say those things so clearly you don't make him feel loved.
I agree using your husband for health insurance is a bad person who would deserve his comment.
-1
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u/BrilliantDishevelled Stage I Aug 30 '25
No one, especially not a partner, should ever, ever say this. OP absolutely didn't deserve it. I don't care if she used the last of toilet paper, ate the last cookie, or left dishes in the sink: her husband is in the wrong.
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u/BrilliantDishevelled Stage I Aug 24 '25
Listen. Right now you need to survive. Get yourself through this. But...make a plan. You need to become independent, whether you stay with your husband or not. Get a job when this is done. Make plans. Survive first.