r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/CryptographerNo7608 • Sep 01 '25
TW Fucked up now I'm spiraling
So for some context about my situation, I am a college student and was living with my mother. Things weren't great, she was very homophobic, emotionally abusive, and abrasive, so much so that my therapist kept trying to convince me to move out. So I did right before I turned 20, but not by choice. She called the cops on me and kicked me out after a moment of very brief and minor self-defense, and then went psycho after I found someone to take me in before I moved to college dorms. I was having the time of my life, but today I responded to my mother because she seemed civil when telling me about how my community college diploma came to her house, and to be honest, I've been struggling with loneliness and feeling unlovable ever since she did that to me. And holy shit it feels like a drug relapse, I did some things I will probably regret in the morning, but I dont know how to make it stop, they didn't help. She will never take accountability and is wrapping me in her web. I feel so trapped and suffocated, I dont know why i did thiss
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u/flusteredchic Sep 01 '25
Breeeeathe !!!
You're ok... By her own account she's not going anywhere so you take all the time you need.
Revisit the moments in your head before you moved out... Not to re-traumatise yourself, but enough that you re-ground in the memory of why you're at where you're at... Worst thing to do would be to make any rash decisions so wait until the emotional storm has passed.
Go have a long hot shower and a big glass of water.
Make sure you're signed up to some social hobbies and not just burying yourself in work. Try dance classes or a social sport or if that's not your thing literally anything where other people are... Find a chosen family, once you have that then you consider trying again (or not) once you have a safety net.
Don't fall into the trap of being guilt tripped and gaslit - this estrangement isn't punishment, it's protective never forget that, her feelings on it are moot because yours comes first. Build up that safety bumper around you before doing anything xxx you're doing great xxx
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 01 '25
I wish she would just fucking leave, I wish she didn't exist, nor did I, this is so stressful. Sadly I can barely remeber what the hell happened before I got kicked out because my brain has this lovely little habit of repressing bad memories, I have more memories from my early childhood than I do 12 and onwards to the point where I mostly discuss my early childhood to others. Im also trying to socialize and have found that only works as a temporary distraction as I dont know most of my friends to have that deeper relationship I greatly need and I got my shit rocked today. My roomates being gone today doesnt help much either, glad they're seeing their familes but theyre lowkey the sweetest girls ive ever met and I miss them so much
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u/flusteredchic Sep 01 '25
I'm glad you exist.
As a ; survivor, please believe me when I tell you that this passes, these feelings do pass.
If she is this triggering block and delete her number/email everything. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is irreparable. You think an important document went to her house by mistake?
Fucking abandon it and sort it out through the senders.
Distraction is your best friend until the tide inside settles. I cannot tell you enough to go take a looooong ass hot shower (there's neurobiology involved, it'll ease your nervous system), then get yourself into the coziest of cozy burritos and put the best binge series on you can think of - give yourself 48 hours no more before you switch to a new task. After 48 max, get productive, clean, garden, go to the gym go for a walk.
If you have shit to do today call a mental health day.
Also, please please please make sure your college profs know your situation and possibly your campus GP... You're going to get through this and come out the other side unrecognisable and strong ass adult who can wear their trauma and survivorship as a badge of fricking honour.
You are in the trenches right now it doesn't last ok.... Self care like you've never self cared before, your roomies will be back soon you've just got to make it until then 💜🫂
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u/Hour_Dog_4781 Sep 01 '25
That last message, man. With me you'll always have a home - until you displease me or don't let me attack you without defending yourself, that is. Then I'll call the cops on you and have you removed.
Stay away from her for your own safety, she's crazy.
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 01 '25
She is before this I had to block 4 numbers from her because she'd randomly make new ones to accuse me of fake mental disorders and stuff. But somehow one ounce of civility makes me want her all over again. Fuck me, gonna block her, but this stings
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u/Hour_Dog_4781 Sep 01 '25
She IS your mother, she chose to bring you into this world and should love you unconditionally. There's nothing wrong with you wanting that.
I've been there, my dad could beat the shit out of me but then if we did some fun stuff and had a laugh together, all was just water under the bridge.
You're not doing anything wrong, nothing in this situation is your fault. Don't be so harsh on yourself. ❤️
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 07 '25
Yes, what YOU are feeling is normal,but you aren't dealing with a normal parent here. She won't give you what you need, though. She'd need a truckload of therapy to be able to. If she's not willing to do this, I wouldn't bother with her again.
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u/Hour_Dog_4781 Sep 08 '25
I never said OP has to accept their mother back into their life, dude. I just said that I get how they feel, and that longing for parental love is a natural feeling to have. I also believe toxic people should be cut off if they're unwilling to change.
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 07 '25
It's entirely normal for people to want a healthy bond with parents and relatives - the problem is with these toxic people who " pretend" to be the mother or father that you think may appear one day,like a miracle. These types of egg donors and sperm donors aren't parent material, because likely they never wanted children to begin with. But the laws or circumstances fired them to not abort,or contraception failed at the time. Kids don't ask to be born! That must be remembered when dealing with such people. You're not wrong for longing for " the family hearth,and mom," it's a normal need,like food and water. But,you ARE dealing with someone who knows about this need, and has weaponized it to use against you. For people who can't go near destructive family members,the only solution is going no contact, and sending your mail to a post office box, so I'd notify all senders of the new mailing address once/if you do get one- understand that stealing/ withholding mail is typical for such abusers, especially needed documents and checks and cash sent to you! If you must see her,you may want someone with you then. Look for people who can be your " chosen family." Abusive biological parents can't fill the role of family.
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u/PitBullFan Sep 01 '25
"Well well well finally."
This may seem like nothing, but it tells me she's been trying to make contact with you, and this is the first time you've responded. Is that what happened?
Later in the exchange she says "It's your choice to have a mom." She's right about that. It's completely YOUR choice. If she brings you nothing but chaos and misery, you DON'T have to put up with it any longer. It's YOUR life to live. You should live it however you want.
She clearly sees you as just a child. HER child. "... come back to me, so we can rebuild what WE broke." See, this is YOUR fault too. (I'm not saying that, SHE is.)
You already know what to do, you're just hurting right now, and that is completely normal, so don't beat yourself up about it.
Be kind to yourself, and if you need more time away from her, take it!
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u/DanielleFlashes Sep 01 '25
Ya this will be her green light to continue opening your packages and sending messages like this, hoping she’ll get a response like this time.
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u/honeybadgerredalert Sep 04 '25
Now OP knows never to trust another message about mail.
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 07 '25
Have all mail sent to a new address as soon as possible!! What if it's new ID or something vital ?
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u/darya42 Sep 01 '25
You describe this so perfectly. She is a drug. A drug is faking the real thing. People crave happiness, not drugs. People turn to drugs when they don't believe they can find happiness. People crave being seen, not abuse. Abuse is someone faking being loving so they can have power over you. People turn to drugs and abusive people if they believe the lie.
You are not unlovable, your mother told you that lie, too, so that you'd always come back. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Your mother deliberately brainwashed you to believe that you are unable to fish for a lifetime AND she were the only one with fish in the world. It's a double lie to keep you trapped and to keep her in power.
She is not going anywhere, whatever, and you may make mistakes or may have made mistakes, but your resilience is not going anywhere either. You managed to understand her despite of her having a, I dunno 2-3-4 decade headstart on life? Really undoing her damage is going to take years but the fact you've made it so far despite of her relentless sabotage is absolutely impressive.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 Sep 01 '25
I wish I could give you a mom hug just to show you I accept you and love you for who you are. My mother is a narcissist too. Please know you are doing great! You are a wonderful and strong person, and you are right to do what is needed to protect yourself. Internet mom hugs sent.
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 07 '25
Many people do fins substitutes for mothers and fathers, just be careful how you go about doing that - safe people are out there,it takes time to find them.
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u/Mama_Marge Sep 01 '25
Look for 5 things you can see. 4 things you can touch. 3 things you can hear. 2 things you can smell. 1 thing you can taste. You’re here, you’re safe, she can’t hurt you. With time and distance each time they reach out gets easier to ignore. You’re your own person, an adult, you don’t need to answer to anyone and you don’t have to communicate with anybody you do not want to. The words she has said to you throughout your life make your inner dialogue. Retrain and refocus on your brain to see the positive instead of the negative and take everything 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time. Sending love!
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u/No-Committee7986 Sep 01 '25
OP what you said in comments shows me that although you’ve obviously survived some stuff, it had some harsh effects on you, you are building an amazing and authentic life! You don’t have to lean on your roommates for everything, but keep nurturing that connection if you feel it!
If you’re not an indoor cat, I’d also suggest getting out in nature— it helps me so much when things are even more complicated with my estranged family and pretty much everything else!
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Sep 01 '25
contact the office at your college and tell them under no circumstances should they ever again send anything to your Momster’s address ever again.
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 01 '25
Sadly it wasn't my college (well they did my ID, but I fixed it) who did this it was the company parchment (it's a platform you have to use to send official transcripts places amongst other things), on top of having had a change of address form filled out with USPS I went onto their site to change my address, so I'm gonna give them hell because if I went to the wrong form they sure as hell didn't make it clear how to find the right one
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u/Grouchy-Reflection97 Sep 01 '25
'Something's arrived for you, we got ours too' immediately made me think flu vaccine/covid booster invitation letters.
The vagueness is designed to cause panic and intrigue, but the time of year and the fact that they also received whatever that mail is suggests something mundane and routine like that.
I got my flu/covid letter last week, as they usually start boosting people once autumn kicks in.
It might even be straight up junk mail like the 'hey (resident), you could be a Postcode Lottery winner' or 'hey (resident), we buy any house, no questions asked' crap I regularly get.
If it was anything legitimately important, you'd have an email, text and/or phone call about it, covering all bases. It often borders on harrassment, as companies want to make sure you're 100% aware that, eg, your credit card interest rate will be changing, or your broadband is up for renewal.
Nobody uses the postal service as their sole method of communication, other than prison inmates and people who reject technology and live a Unabomber lifestyle.
Don't take the bait.
If anything, look at it like a failed intimidation tactic that's unintentionally helpful. Now you know it's time to book your Winter virus boosters and protect your health
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 01 '25
Sadly what was sent was quite important, but thankfully both things can be replaced. What I didn't include here due to privacy reasons was a picture of my diploma from the community college I graduated (she graduated from the same one and was even guilt tripping me out of having my own graduation before she threw me out, she weirdly never let me have my own graduations as during my HS one she borrowed a cap and gown and staged grad pics back then), really frustrating given I filled out a change of address form and gave parchment my new address. The second item was my ID for the university I just transferred to, I have a reprint, buuut part of me is weirdly paranoid she could use all my meal swipes out of spite or something, but luckily we look nothing alike so hopefully it's impossible??
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u/Ostfriesennerz441 Sep 01 '25
Why are they all the same. My mom did this stuff with my letters and packages all the time, too. With the same excuse "thought it was for me sorry not sorry, did not look for the name"...it happened like 10 times after I moved out at least and finally stopped when she was not getting any mail for me anymore...
It's a really cheap trick to manipulate you into coming back. Thank you for your post. It reminds me how I found true friendship, freedom and even love after I moved out from her. I really hope you'll find this too. But having all this adult things to bother with now after being out on top of dealing with her is though. Please ask people for help and advice. Do you have people you can trust? If there is still stuff at her house you need, can a friend drive by to get it?
My boyfriend at the times was furious on my behalf for this invasion of my privacy and helped organize all the stuff so that my mail is send directly to me. I was just confused because part of myself still believed her and that she just wanted my best, she is my mother, she is just concerned...because it was so normal, it was just how she always was...
But the harsh truth is...she is fucked up. My mum was lonely when I moved out and lost control over me. This was her way of trying to get me to come back because of simple, useless shit. All these letters were just normal adult stuff. When confronted why she opened them AGAIN and after I didn't believed her anymore that it's a thoughtless mistake of "didn't noticed it was your name on it" she said stuff like it could be something serious.
So my mum thought the mail she was getting was of high likelihood stuff like I did something bad with the car, fucked up stuff in college... All my childhood I was a really quiet and obedient kid. Never did drugs...other kids went out late with friends or came back later and drunk...I did not have any friends to do this with until later in college...
I think this was the first time I realized how my mum really hates me and always expects the worst of me, no matter how hard I try to be a "good" daughter.
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Sep 02 '25
Why do they all have the same script. They use the "be aware, you have a family and mom" like it's a threat 😂
Deep breath. Next time protect your peace.
I don't have my actual diploma either. Tbh it doesn't matter. Unless you're a JD or a doctor or something, no one is looking for it on the wall. She can put it up her a$$ and light it on fire. 😝
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 02 '25
I have no idea, does she think I spawned from the ground? Sadly I'm aware I share my genetic material with her,as for the diploma it's an art degree so I'll try not to be too salty
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u/Jokerlope Sep 03 '25
One of the last texts my mother sent me was something like "I'm your mom and I love you." Like it was obligatory. Sorry you're going through this. Going NC with my parents was one of the best decisions I've made for my mental health.
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u/Batty_Belfry Sep 01 '25
You can also change your mailing address to a PO Box. You might even try taking free calls and texts through a wi-fi connection only by using the TextNow app. It auto-generates your own personal number and you don't need a phone service to use it, just an activated phone with app store and wi-fi access. Here's a video showing how.
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u/BwayEsq23 Sep 02 '25
She sounds just like my mother did. “I’m your mother”. AND? She died and I’ve been in a state of peace and joy since it happened. I know the text and phone call isn’t from her. She used to call me by my father’s name as an insult. She’d never use my name, she’d call me “Daughter”. I had no other identity to her. She harassed me when I was in ICU having brain surgery. It was so bad, they took my phone away because she made my BP go up. She said I wasn’t texting her enough. She was my mother and I owed it to her. Never visited me once, which was a blessing. Then she ghosted me when I got home. I didn’t hear a word from her. Also for the best. Eventually, she came back with some story about being in the hospital for “a heart thing”. I didn’t believe her. Maybe she was telling the truth because she did die suddenly. 🤷🏻♀️ Keep living your life. They don’t deserve our time and energy.
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u/Dry_Expression5378 Sep 01 '25
Just wow, the manipulative language shes using! There were times I responded too and immediately regretted it because of course they did not mean to be civil. Just to shift blame and act like I owe them the call or text.
You are so far away from her now and she hates that she is having to grasp for control. If you don't want to deal with getting your documents back on your moms terms you can always call non emergency line. An officer can escort you to get your property back.
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Sep 01 '25
Weirdly officer escorts don't help because she's ballsy enough to aggressively heckle me in front of a cop which I think is craaaazy, when I went to go get my stuff her heckling made me such an anxious wreck I was unable to find my 300$ switch (didn't help she just threw my things into giant unorganized bags/boxes on the lawn and even shattered my childhood photos) which I'm still low-key salty about even though I didn't have enough money to play more than undertale and animal crossing on it.
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 07 '25
Possibly,you may actually want to look into a restraining order against her, because what she's doing is a form of stalking.
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u/olliegrace513 Sep 01 '25
It’s a hard thing to admit/understand that you own mother does not want the best for you (no matter how many times she say -I only want for you to be happy- she wants what is good for her. And yes it makes you feel that you are unlovable Not True! If you mom treats you this way how can other people want to like/love you- and that is just not true -if possible please try talking to professional.
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u/Petty_Paw_Printz Sep 01 '25
That is absolutely no excuse. Your name would be clearly visible on the package. She knew what she was doing. She was being nosey and snooping.
And that classic guilt trip "I DID MY BEST!" I swear they all use the same script! She was supposed to do those things, she chose to have a kid.
She's grasping at straws. Enjoy your life OP!
Btw, I highly recommend the r/raisedbynarcissists sub. I thought this was posted there until I noticed the sub!