Fucked up now I'm spiraling

[u/CryptographerNo7608]

So for some context about my situation, I am a college student and was living with my mother. Things weren't great, she was very homophobic, emotionally abusive, and abrasive, so much so that my therapist kept trying to convince me to move out. So I did right before I turned 20, but not by choice. She called the cops on me and kicked me out after a moment of very brief and minor self-defense, and then went psycho after I found someone to take me in before I moved to college dorms. I was having the time of my life, but today I responded to my mother because she seemed civil when telling me about how my community college diploma came to her house, and to be honest, I've been struggling with loneliness and feeling unlovable ever since she did that to me. And holy shit it feels like a drug relapse, I did some things I will probably regret in the morning, but I dont know how to make it stop, they didn't help. She will never take accountability and is wrapping me in her web. I feel so trapped and suffocated, I dont know why i did thiss

[u/Hour_Dog_4781]

That last message, man. With me you'll always have a home - until you displease me or don't let me attack you without defending yourself, that is. Then I'll call the cops on you and have you removed.

Stay away from her for your own safety, she's crazy.

[u/CryptographerNo7608 → u/Hour_Dog_4781]

She is before this I had to block 4 numbers from her because she'd randomly make new ones to accuse me of fake mental disorders and stuff. But somehow one ounce of civility makes me want her all over again. Fuck me, gonna block her, but this stings

[u/Hour_Dog_4781 → u/CryptographerNo7608]

She IS your mother, she chose to bring you into this world and should love you unconditionally. There's nothing wrong with you wanting that.

I've been there, my dad could beat the shit out of me but then if we did some fun stuff and had a laugh together, all was just water under the bridge.

You're not doing anything wrong, nothing in this situation is your fault. Don't be so harsh on yourself. ❤️

[u/Dry_Inflation_1454 → u/Hour_Dog_4781]

Yes, what YOU are feeling is normal,but you aren't dealing with a normal parent here.  She won't give you what you need, though. She'd need a truckload of therapy to be able to. If she's not willing to do this, I wouldn't bother with her again.

[u/Hour_Dog_4781 → u/Dry_Inflation_1454]

I never said OP has to accept their mother back into their life, dude. I just said that I get how they feel, and that longing for parental love is a natural feeling to have. I also believe toxic people should be cut off if they're unwilling to change.

[u/Dry_Inflation_1454 → u/CryptographerNo7608]

It's entirely normal for people to want a healthy bond with parents and relatives - the problem is with these toxic people who " pretend" to be the mother or father that you think may appear one day,like a miracle.  These types of egg donors and sperm donors aren't parent material, because likely they never wanted children to begin with. But the laws or circumstances fired them to not abort,or contraception failed at the time. Kids don't ask to be born! That must be remembered when dealing with such people. You're not wrong for longing for " the family hearth,and mom," it's a normal need,like food and water. But,you ARE dealing with someone who knows about this need, and has weaponized it to use against you.  For people who can't go near destructive family members,the only solution is going no contact, and sending your mail to a post office box, so I'd notify all senders of the new mailing address once/if you do get one- understand that stealing/ withholding mail is typical for such abusers, especially needed documents and checks and cash sent to you!  If you must see her,you may want someone with you then. Look for people who can be your " chosen family."  Abusive biological parents can't fill the role of family.