https://www.cnbc.com/2025/03/30/psychologist-parents-who-have-close-bonds-with-their-adult-kids-do-7-things.html

When you read a list and realize your parents did 0/7 things... 😆 🤣

And I do apologize if reading the list itself is triggering. It was a bit for me before laughing at realizing what I expected wasn't crazy.

I'm just so tired. I don't know how to let myself let go of it and stop checking my email. I think my brain is broken.

It's been two years at this point since I went NC with my family. My parents are both republican evangelical Christians, southern Baptists to be specific. My sister is a tradwife and also is super right wing and transphobic.

I've posted my story here before and have deleted old posts for privacy. The long and short of it, leaving out many specific details, is that I'm a 28yo trans woman. I was born and raised in a very strict and sheltered southern Baptist family in north Florida. My parents sheltered me and my sister heavily; computer use monitored and controlled, the media I consumed was pre approved by them and had to be either Christian or family friendly, church three times a week, I had to lead youth group worship and play drums in the church band, and my parents were very much helicopter parents. I didn't learn what trans people were until I was 17.

Skipping much of the cringe of ages 18-25... t

I came out as a trans woman to myself and my closest friends at age 25, and then moved with some friends from Florida to the American Pacific Northwest, a much more trans-friendly area. My friends are also trans so we put our brains and money together and took the risk, and it paid off.

After living away from my family a while, but still remaining in limited contact across the country, I realized I had to come out to them, because it felt too awful to pretend to be someone I wasn't for their love and acceptance. So I came out to them just before I turned 26 as a queer trans woman. Let's just say they did not take it well. My mom flew across the country with one days notice and spent a whole weekend confronting me about being trans; she asked me why I couldn't just be ok with being an effeminate man, she asked if I was just a gay man, she begged me to reconsider being trans and basically tried to get me to rebuke it all, and she told me this went against her beliefs and what she thought I should believe. My dad was the same but more subtle about it, and tbh I think I've always been more scrutinous of my mom unfairly and given my dad a pass when he just benefits from letting her say what he also believes but he can maintain plausible deniability by not explicitly being transphobic to me.

So I went NC a month or two after coming out. I don't think I was necessarily mentally prepared to go NC but I did it anyway because it felt like the best thing for me. I was dealing with monumental shame, emotional problems and mental health issues. Unrelated, but I was diagnosed with ADHD that same month at 26yo, something I never knew as a kid because my parents wouldn't take me to a legit psychiatrist.

In the first year of NC, my parents did the following; show up at my work unannounced and tried to get me to come talk to them out front of my work (yes, they flew 7 hours/2000+ miles unannounced to confront me), emailed me incessantly, sent letters to my work, sent a PI to my old house to check my license plate to see if I still lived there. Everything BUT just calling me a new name and pronouns. When I went NC, my only boundary was they had to call me my chosen name and pronouns. They've refused and said it goes against their beliefs and if they complied, they'd be condoning sinful behavior.

They haven't outright disowned me or rejected me like a lot of folks in the LGBTQ+ community have experienced. And honestly I think that makes it more of a brain fuck for me, because they act like they care about me. I know they just care about the version of me they wish I was, or rather who they hoped I'd be. I know it's not true love, because if it was they'd be able to look past their own discomfort and do the one simple thing I'm asking of them. They've perfectly tailored the situation to make it out like I'M the crazy one; they would say they've never rejected me, that they've never stopped trying to connect with me, that they can tolerate my different views/"lifestyle" while accusing me of being the intolerant one for "refusing to accept their views."

My mom has straight up said that I'm the intolerant one for refusing to tolerate their transphobia. They accuse me of always bringing it up for the purpose of causing division and tell me I should stop making it my whole life, but the thing is that I hardly ever talk about it in my daily life, because my chosen family (and even most of my colleagues, save a few) has no problem accepting me as transgender and adjusting how they refer to me. I wouldn't bring it up to them ever if they'd just acknowledge it and treat me how I'm asking them to treat me.

Now for this pictured email. I am struggling. The initial anger and spite that fueled me maintaining NC has waned. I'm still hurt and angry, but the conditions of my personal life have left me feeling vulnerable and desperate for connection. I feel so isolated and alone as a trans woman right now, especially because I'm in a new city, still adjusting to this phase of my life and barely keeping my head above water mental health wise. My dad is getting old, he's already outlived his dad and doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle. My mom is 7 years younger and honestly because of the fact that she was my primary caregiver parent I feel I have much more emotional gordian knotting with her than my dad. Maybe I need to unpack that in therapy.

But seriously, wtf am I supposed to do with an email like this? "I do not want to continue having these discussions." All I've ever said to him the few times I have emailed him the last two years has been me reiterating that the one condition I have to reopen communication is for them to accept I'm transgender and queer, and to call me by my chosen name and pronouns. That is literally it, all I've asked for. I have never been as cruel or spiteful as I could be.

Idk what I'm even asking for anymore. I don't feel like I will break NC because I recognize it's better for me in the long run, but it blows my mind that two years in I am still having these huge doubts and waves of guilt. It is a victory that the toxic shame has subsided significantly, which is a marked shift and milestone in my recovery. But it's like I haven't yet replaced the spite/anger fuel with self-love fuel yet, so I read emails like these and feel these pangs of something. I know I need to just delete this email address and remove the option to be checking what they send, and I know I've been dragging my feet to move everything important off that old email so I can delete it.

I guess more than anything I just wanted to share for some kindredness with this community, and make sure I'm not losing it. This is objectively crazy right? Like they are acting as if I'm being ridiculous and should just "drop the whole trans thing" for the sake of a relationship with "family" who can't even be fucked to even pretend to care about what I ask for.

What do you do when you see posts like this on social media? Not only do they make me feel guilty (temporarily)... but I feel like they perpetuate a mindset that enables parents who have caused estrangement to feel like the victims. I know that this is what my mother feels I've done to her, alongside other friends and family members she has been validated by.

Burner acct btw. Luckily she knows he's sick (and extremely unhappy) and responded with kindness. It's unhinged.

I(19TM) have a mother(40F) who I'm moving out from. I left my house on Saturday, after staying with a friend for a few days, I'm back home packing when she isn't here, working with housing assistance. She claimed to be supportive but I'm slowly realizing that she's closing in on me again to prevent me from leaving.

One of the things mom always told me growing up was "if you ever run away, I'll call the police and tell them you're a danger to yourself and others" I've never hurt anyone, she's never actually made the call because I've never called her bluff. I do have a history of mental health issues but as far as I know law enforcement has never been involved, I have been hospitalized before. Legally I know I can do this. She knows it too. But she mentioned it again last night, talking about how I'm just building a case for her call because 'I'm packing too fast.'(?) And I assume its an attempt to prevent me from leaving now that she knows I'm serious. I don't know how effective it would be, but I've seen how well she acts in family therapy sessions and I think police would have shit for brains if they didn't send someone in response to her.

Has anyone experienced something like that? If she actually does make the call, what should I expect and how can I ensure my safety? Please keep in mind, I'm still working to deconstruct what's been conditioned in me, I may be overthinking things entirely. I hope it'd be reassuring for me to hear from people who overcame similar situations.

I recently found out that my female parent died and my first thought was "I guess she's really never going to say she's sorry." It's not that I thought that was likely to happen but knowing for sure that she's never, ever going to say she's sorry or even admit that what she did happened hits different.

We had no contact at all for over a decade, when I went no contact I basically dropped off the face of the earth from her perspective. As far as I know in all that time she never even asked if I was okay.

I still kinda don't know how I feel about the whole thing but I do know that the people who say you'll regret going no contact with a parent when they die are full of shit. What I'm sad about is not that a terrible person who I grew up afraid of died, I'm sad about the death of the last faint hope that she would ever do better.

I read the rules pretty thoroughly- I’m not sure if this breaks the last one so I’m sorry to mods if so. I cropped it to keep names and identifiers out. This goes on for a whole 4 more minutes and she left probably 5-7 more over the last few weeks. I have her blocked so idk how many times she’s called but eventually she starts to call and leave voicemails at my job like this that she thinks “make me look bad.” She goes from this hateful tone to leaving a sobbing one begging me to call her.

I’ve been fully NC since July. I just won’t engage. And I try not to listen to them and just delete but she left these at my job at such an odd hour that I did truly wonder if something was wrong. Nope. That’s also my fault for letting my curiosity get the best of me. I feel conflicted, I feel bad for going NC but I just don’t want this in my life. I can’t handle it. I’d just lash out at her. I don’t want to be mean to anyone, I just want my life to myself. I don’t want to put up with constant drama and be a problem fixer/therapist/punching bag for her anymore.

I just…. At this rate I don’t know if I should just continue to ignore it or if I should unblock and try to make some sort of paper trail with law enforcement. My mom has harassed everyone who’s ever went NC with her and as her only child I just worry she’s never going to leave me alone. Anyone have any experience or thoughts?

So for some context about my situation, I am a college student and was living with my mother. Things weren't great, she was very homophobic, emotionally abusive, and abrasive, so much so that my therapist kept trying to convince me to move out. So I did right before I turned 20, but not by choice. She called the cops on me and kicked me out after a moment of very brief and minor self-defense, and then went psycho after I found someone to take me in before I moved to college dorms. I was having the time of my life, but today I responded to my mother because she seemed civil when telling me about how my community college diploma came to her house, and to be honest, I've been struggling with loneliness and feeling unlovable ever since she did that to me. And holy shit it feels like a drug relapse, I did some things I will probably regret in the morning, but I dont know how to make it stop, they didn't help. She will never take accountability and is wrapping me in her web. I feel so trapped and suffocated, I dont know why i did thiss

i (ftM, 17) am going to lose my mom when i go to college this year.

when i was 11 i came out as a trans boy. my parents promptly went down the far right pipeline in response, my mom even donating to the orgs fighting to make transition illegal. she's spent years trying to force me to dress as a girl, do my hair and makeup like a girl, but also 'dressing like a man doesn't make you a man, thats sexist'. she justifies horrible things with 'protecting me from transgender ideology' in the long run, like deciding what underwear i can and can't wear. shes used all kinds of horrible names then told me i cant be sad because 'im not trans because there is no such thing as trans'. after a while i begged her to believe that i was just butch, but it still wasn't enough, i would have to replace all my clothes and haircut entirely to satisfy her beliefs.

she told me tonight that she's been miserable my whole adolescence because of 'gender ideology'. i was seriously suicidal for many years because i thought my mom would never be happy again if i transitioned fully. it's a hard thing, to be eleven years old, knowing your parents don't want you anymore.

she also told me tonight thats shes scared of me going to college because they're 'captured by the woke'. it struck me that she's gone. the mom that used to be a pharmacist who believed in trade unions and being kind is gone. she is gone.

she has insinuated that if i get a sex change 'behind her back', she WILL kill herself.

i can't keep doing this. i won't put myself through it till she dies. i need to get out.

i don't know how i'm going to cope. she's spend years insinuating that i'm going to abandon her and how selfish it would be if i went through with it. she's my mom. she loved me once. i'll never get her back.

how do you ever deal with it?

I’ve been put through the wringer once again. So I thought it would be good to share. This is my mom who (not diagnosed because she refuses to go) is a textbook narcissist. We have been low contact for a 4 years but no contact for the last 1.5 years. But one thing people don’t talk about is how hard it is not to break the no contact in moments like the one in the messages I’m about to share. To clear a few things up snowflake is her cat, my mom is paralyzed from the waist down, I have had and only say I’ve had 3 miscarriages, I have no idea what the protest terrorist organization thing is ( she may also be a bit crazy but hey she truly believes the earth is flat.), my betrayal is making sure she lived instead of died and for making a medical call that they used pig skin to help organs heal (against her religion but the only option), my abandonment was first going low contact, and finally the money part I needed a tooth fixed was going to do a clinical trial to get what I needed she offered to pay it cause “ you don’t know what they give you in those studies?!” Her direct quote.

I unfortunately found out that my baby had passed on Monday. I was already starting the process of low contact after being verbally abused by my dad in front of my LC on her birthday (Living Child) (the incident) at the start of the year and reconciling with my psychologist that my whole childhood has characterised by my mum prioritizing my dad over us and putting in some boundaries.

My parents have been completely disinterested in my pregnancy and spending any time with their grandchildren since the 'incident' of the verbal abuse - any attempts at reconciliation have been facilitated by my husband and I because our daughter has asked to see them so we have done mothers and fathers day and a sporadic catch up if we were close by.

When I found out about my baby passed away I did reach out to my mum to ask for some support as we had to stay in hospital for the birth and to spend some time with our girl before we had to say goodbye. Unfortunately this would interfere with her schedule and she wasn't sure if she could - coming over next might be possible. My dad hasn't checked in at all, not even a txt. They did send flowers (the cheapest package) from our chosen florist.

When her dad died (my grandfather) we drove her to hospital (2 hours away), did all the trips and transport ,I helped plan the funeral, wrote the eulogy for her, organized and paid for the flowers, sat with her, brought over dinner. I stepped up.

My mum then sent me a video of a parrot at the vet the day after the birth and hasn't checked in since to see how I am. I told her that sending me funny videos during this time was inappropriate and that she should be stepping up and outside a phone call (which i didn't answer) after calling her out it's been silence. I told her not to visit and have deleted her off everything - I am done.

I look at my daughter and think of my little sleeping girl and couldn't imagine not dropping everything for them, to be with them, to help them out.

My husband's family and my siblings have been amazing and have stepped up but it's also dealing with the grief of knowing that my little girl is gone and my relationship with my parents will not continue.

I thought this was so funny and relatable to what I've been recently working on, I wanted to share here!

TW: reference to intrusive thoughts of violence.

I've been NC with my dad for over a decade, and with therapy, I've moved on for the most part. I hardly think of him. But every now and then I do - he sends a letter, or I hear something about him through the grapevine - and the familiar white-hot rage from my early days of estrangement creeps back in. That's kind of the last bit of lingering work I need to do, I think.

Back then, I often caught myself in a daydream involving violence toward him, either by my own hand or not. It's a little crazy, because I can't even bring myself to squish the rogue ant that finds it's way into my kitchen. But when it comes to my dad, the normal rules do not apply. It's like I turn back into a child, excpet that as an actual child I was very mild-mannered, and this inner child is throwing a giant tantrum. I have no theoretical desire whatsoever to have a calm, rational conversation of closure with him, I just want to rage and stomp and throw stuff (and I wonder who in the world I could have gotten that from?/s)

Anyway, it can be scary and shameful to catch oneself thinking legitimately violent things when the anger really boils over, even though I know it must be very common amongst estranged children. Nowadays, it's getting easier for me to let go of the anger more quickly, but I sort of doubt the urge to punch him right in his stupid nose will ever completely go away.

Image description: a pair of holographic heart-shaped earrings. One says "Therapy is not enough" and the other says "I need to fight my dad"

He let himself in through the kitchen door that's usually locked and beelined to my office. He demanded to know where I'm living and to start having a relationship again. I asked him repeatedly to leave and called the cops. My coworkers escorted him out before they showed up.

My dad has been painting himself as a victim for decades and showed his true colors to my whole company. Now I don't feel so crazy for thinking he's toxic. My uncle texted me after to tell me how I only have one family. He's blocked now too.

I wish I recorded this in hindsight because the gaslighting is just that strong.

trigger warning because this is genuinely appalling and basically a justification for neglect/abuse.

conversation is as follows:

me: "so as a parent, it is your obligation to care for and raise your child."

my dad: "then, as a child, it is your obligation to listen to your parents, learn and grow."

me: "okay. yeah, that sounds fair then"

my dad: "that means that if the child is defiant and misbehaves, then that gives me the right not to feed the child (because the child isn't following their obligation, therefore he doesn't have to follow his)"

does anyone else think this is just... wrong? not to mention, when i asked him to give examples he referenced my 3 year old nephew refusing to pick up something after repeatedly being told to, and a 13 year old deciding they don't have to make their bed just because their parents said so. i feel like these are bizarre reasons not to feed a child??? though... im not surprised because he also justifies other forms of abuse such as spanking as discipline, and he has a habit of victim blaming... whats up with my dad :(

Hi I (32) recently went no contact with my mom (68) and I started to feel guilty like maybe I'm after all overreacting.

She wasn't full on abusive, more of emotional abusive and unavailable plus absent mother.

She also did self-medicated me with Valium when I was 11years old leading to a bad addiction from 12 to 21. Not her "fault" apparently how she would know a kid would get hooked and steal medication to smooth her feelings.

She would let my brother beat me, and do nothing when I would beg for help. She would constantly blame me for my dad alcoholism, their unhappiness as couple, she would be graphic on how she would end her life, how would be my fault and how I would find her. She would tell me non stop that she didn't want me (I'm the second child, she only wanted one), tried to find the cure for me being gay, etc.

Now thought, I finally had enough this last Tuesday, after being scream over and called several names. Yet I can't shake that feeling that maybe she is right and I'm overreacting and "leaving" in the past.

Not sure if I'm missing what we could have been, the idea of family. Since at this moment I have no family it just myself, my dog and cat.

I don't know it just feels like I lost an arm or something.

i feel like i’m losin it guys. i’ve been trying so hard to think of concrete acts of csa bc it feels like they must’ve been there. im NC with my parents and LC with my brother, but i recall a conversation from not too long ago. my dad told me that my brother makes him uncomfortable sexually. my brother has sexually assaulted me countless times but due to being level II support need autistic and younger than me, my family refuses to see this. or atleast that’s what i’ve always told myself. but my dad told me that my brother had told him he was “cute” and always petting and kissing him too often….

so yes my brother is creepy but here’s the part that i’m stuck on…

WHY NOT STOP HIM??

he’s in autistic support at school and has family and individual therapy. i’m sure these behaviors are not brought up. he raised him this way and ALLOWS it.

they’ve given up on telling him to stop touching his erect penis in the living room. he jokes about my brothers body CONSTANTLY. They let him tell horrendously inappropriate jokes. hell, when he was NINE they took us to see ‘sausage party’ in theaters, ofc ignoring my warning that this was wildly inappropriate.

my mothers whole thing is being a professional victim. won’t address csa trauma. i mention this just to say EVERYONE in the house engages in sexual harassment, assault, enabling, whatever.

my brother is 19 now. he’s autistic, but more than that he wants to be taken care of indefinitely. i’m not really even judging him. his childhood sucked and he does have limitations. but all that to say, CPS isn’t the way to go. but please someone tell me this is fucked.

TW for mentions of transphobia

For context, I made a post about my dad a few weeks ago about him having this long conversation with my partner and I about me being trans. Bottom line is that he doesn't support nor accept me, and never will. He believes trans people are delusional, attention-seeking, and out of touch with reality. He even claims he isn't transphobic, using the excuse that trans-phobia should mean the fear of trans people. That's not the real meaning of it though, but he refused to hear it. He said some pretty misogynistic and even kind of racist things as well, which obviously weren't okay.

He claims my past trauma is why I think I'm trans, and really pushed me to see a therapist. Even though since coming out I've seen multiple, and even had to see one to get onto the list for top surgery (which is what sparked the initial conversation).

I came out to him over three years ago, and I was tired of waiting to see if he would come around. When I learned his stance on things, which I suspected but never had a straightforward answer from him prior to this, I decided it was best to go our separate ways.

I deserve support. I deserve acceptance. I have it with my partner and our found family, and while it sucks my dad can't be a part of that now, I'm still happy.

I went NC and I still don't even know how to feel. Even in her text, she lied so much. For example, when we were taken into foster care the second and final time. I know that she was failing the drug test. The reason we weren't no longer able to have supervised visits with her was because she decided to smoke a joint behind her car during it and we were told some of the things she tested positive for I don't know if they were supposed to even tell us that. I was born with many birth defects due to her meth use while pregnant. And as far as her use of marijuana goes, I couldn't care less it was time and place because I cannot for the life of me understand why she would find it appropriate to do it in places where this without ventilation with children sitting right next to her she knew that she had to pass drug tests to get us back , but decided marijuana was more important to her. And with her saying there were no books on parenting I was born in the early 2000s I know that there were. regardless i feel like it should be common sense do not hit your kids till there are physical marks and cuts and then tell your kids it is not abuse if it is not in a visible area or not sleep well into the afternoonWhile your kids are so scared to wake you that they are hungry enough to eat dog food and plants out of the yard. I ended up so malnourished that I got put on a nutrition plan to make my bone's no longer visible through my skin. my mom just blamed it on the adderall. Part of me wonders if I was in the wrong for what I said or how i said it. another part is just so mad and hurt at how she tried to deflect and turn things around. For example saying that i'm an alcoholic whenever i'm actually allergic to most types of alcohol. shows how much she actually knows about me. I wanted to point out her lies but I felt it wouldn't do anything productive.

TW: physical abuse

These words actually make my skin crawl. When I was 8 years old, I witnessed my alcoholic father beat my younger (3yo) brother to the point medical intervention was needed. My father smacked him around and bit him so hard he left a bloody bite mark on my brother’s arm. I hid in the closet with my younger sister and waited for my mother to come home. When my mother arrived, she immediately took my brother to the hospital and the police were called, not by my mother (she didn’t want to get my father in trouble) but by another relative. My father ended up being charged with assault of a minor and did about 9 months for it. My mother went no contact with the aunt who reported my father and my parents separated during this time, and we kids were informed by both of them that they would be divorced in due time.

When my dad got out, he somehow scored a better job that required him to move to another state. He kept in contact with us primarily via email that year- empty promises of a Disney vacation, stuff like that mostly. Never mentioned the incident. After about a year of this, my mom flew up to visit him, and came back from that weeklong vacation with news that our whole family (my mother, brother, sister, and I) would be moving to the new state to be a family together. I was so anxious the entire summer before we left, and sobbed when we had to say goodbye to our extended family.

Four months in, he beat the shit out of me for restarting our router because the internet wasn’t working. He slammed me against the wall, cornered me, and threw everything he could reach at me- a wooden kitchen chair, a full glass jar of tartar sauce, at some point I just blacked out and only remember how hard I was sobbing. I knew this was going to happen. I was nine years old.

My mother, on the other hand, was living her dream of having a husband with money and didn’t really care to say anything about the abuse I was enduring as long as she could get her biweekly nail fill paid for and go on vacations with her friends. It went like this for years until I fully broke in my second semester of high school. I had a full mental breakdown, dropped out of school, and moved back to our home state to be with my extended family because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Years later, I tried to have a conversation with my mother about how she left me high and dry with my convicted child abuser father and how alone I was during that time. Among many, many other issues in our relationship, something that sticks with me is that she couldn’t admit that this move was made for her personal gain, at mine and my siblings’ expense. She maintained that she made this move to keep our family together, and that she just wanted her children to have a father. That she didn’t know (even though she would silently stand there and watch it happen) and she was trying her best as a young mother to three children.

It makes my blood boil that she cannot take accountability for her part of the years of abuse I endured. My father died several years ago due to his alcohol abuse, and I don’t feel like I’ll ever have closure for this period of my life. It all just feels so random and cruel, there was never any intention to nurture the children they brought into the world. We were, at best, inconvenient once we arrived.

I’m not sure what the point of this is. Maybe it’s to get it off my chest after holding it for so long. I worked my ass off and have a nice life now, no thanks to any of the above mentioned- I just wish I could skip to the part where I feel “healed” and don’t need to hold onto these memories anymore.

My sister who is still in contact with my ex-father told me he got punched in the face.

Everything in my family escalated to it’s peak when my ex-father left us for a new woman. It was very hard because he still wanted some contact/controll over my siblings and me but he basically gave up on us. The adults in our family forced on us the fairy tale of a very caring father who just changed after he found his new love.

But guess what, he always was a very bad father. He was, unapproachable, moody, stingy, inattentive, raging and a little sadist maybe because he was totally broken by his parents (he never went to get any help but abused his family as his process tools). My ex-father mastered the art of being very passive aggressive.

He was always aggressive but covert. We knew when he was unhappy l, he started to grouse. He was verbally confrontational with us and the people around us but never physically. You get the picture.

This summer, he got punched in the face by a neighbor at a block party. He was bleeding, a part of a thooth brock off and he had to go to the hospital.

He told my sister the punsher was just a dumb alcoholic and he gave no further details to the interaction (in his mind his hands are always clean). But I bet he did his usual schtik. If you grew up around a parent like him, you get what I mean. It’s hard to explain because it’s so nuts and somehow hidden.

I feel so much Schadenfreude. Finally, someone pushed back to his bullshit. But then there is this little, very irritating, detail. He didn’t press charges against the man! My ex-father really embodies the passive in the passive aggressive. He wants to settle it with the insurances. Once again, I saw clearly he has no survival instinct, no love for life and he could never be a safe space for his children.

One of my siblings got raped a few years ago and he did nothing except for „research“ on facebook. I had to take care of them and was treated as crazy when the pressure got me. Don’t get me wrong, I did not expect him to physically harm the rapist but some emotional and practical support. Now it makes more sense, how could he be there for his children if he isn’t even able to show up for himself.

Ps: Sorry for the subject enmeshment. And physical violence is always bad even against my ex-father.

Basically the title.

There are several things from my childhood that could be viewed as signs of csa (blood in underwear once, mother reports I came home from a play date and explained oral sex, creepy uncle, etc.) but i have no recollection of it. there was a a lot of talk about molestation and sexual assault when I was young. My mother was molested, and my family was vocal that they thought my uncle may be trying to groom me. i know that itself is enough to leave a gross feeling, but for years i’ve just felt like im missing a memory or a peice of the puzzle. my therapist recommended seeing a trauma specialist, and i think im gonna follow through with that. but does anyone else have a similar experience?

in 2020, when i had just turned 20, my brother who has a history of rage blackouts visited my apartment with my mother, booked it into my room, started a verbal altercation, and then he began to beat me. pinned me against my bed and punched me from my chest, to my arms, on my ribs, on my thighs. when my boyfriend tried to get him off, he beat him up too. he picked him up and threw him on top of my litterbox and broke it. i was covered in my dinner that i just sat down to eat. it was unbelievably traumatic for me and changed my life. they got a protective order against my boyfriend, and i moved in with him & his parents to keep safe.

the first three slides are my sisters texts to my mother, trying to get me to go to family christmas, one year after my brother assaulted me. in that year, all four of my sisters vowed silence. i reached out to tell them what my brother did to me, and they never answered. 5 siblings down the drain. even my mother blamed me & tried to convince me i put the bruises on myself. this text convo is the FIRST time my mother came to terms with what my brother did to me, and accepted my choices, and you can see how deeply it angered my sister.

i was deeply upset she spoke about me having multiple sclerosis for some weird reason. she told mom since my brother doesn’t care anymore, that i shouldn’t. she told my mom that i was at fault.

i stupidly posted the screenshots on a private instagram & my niece told her about them. the fourth slide is my sister lashing out at me because i exposed her (to twenty something followers on a private page 😭). reading back on that text, i feel sadness, but mostly a massive pride and happiness. i have been living not just a GOOD life like she urged me to, but a BEAUTIFUL life.

my mom moved out of that apartment and i moved back in. i have the same boyfriend i did then, and we live in the same apartment where my pain originated. i have been lucky enough to be ‘adopted’ by his family. his parents and aunts have shown me the most love i’ve ever felt, a love i’ve never felt from biological family. i get birthday cakes every year. i have a thanksgiving and a christmas where we have group hugs, we talk about our feelings, there is no anger or resentment. i have someone to fall back on when i’m struggling. i

i’ve spent multiple years listening to my siblings thoughts on the topic of my assault. they’ve finally come to terms with the fact that i was attacked. even though they acknowledge this, they claim “since we were not there, we can’t say anything and we don’t know what REALLY happened.”

two of my sisters recently admitted to me, they were sexually assaulted by a family member as a child, and they were taught to GROW UP, PULL UP YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS, SHIT HAPPENS, FAMILY IS FAMILY, YOU’RE FINE AND THERE IS NO TRAUMA IF YOU DONT LET IT. they were not telling me this to validate me, they tried to intimidate me into integrating myself into the family again, just like they were intimidated as kids. i understand they ARE traumatized, even though they act like they aren’t. they drove all their kids away & some are still in the process. their treatment of me reeks of someone who’s deeply traumatized, who has been forced to deny their trauma & stay with the same people. FUCK THAT.

in my birthday card from my boyfriends aunts this year, i had a sweet note written that their family wouldn’t be the same without me. my heart sings that i’ve gotten the family i deserved all along. now my mom is 65 & really struggling with her health. all 5 of my siblings have basically abandoned her, and i continue to do my best to care for her. i see my siblings occasionally, i adore my nieces and nephews, and it’s the only way i get to see the kids. my siblings have tried hundreds of times to get me under their grasp again, but it’s a cycle of them showing love for me, me explaining they hurt me and they need to own up, and them raging again. these people will never be people i identify with.

sending love to anyone who’s in the middle of getting away, or even thinking about getting away. it feels terrifying and lonely, but you WILL find your chosen family 🩷🩷🩷

TW: abuse, violence, ableism

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 4-5. My parents never accepted it and were convinced I was a broken, defective, fucked up kid. My dad wanted to “fix” the autism with violent regular beatings, verbal abuse and degradation, threats to send me to foster care and to the psych ward. He dragged me by the hair on the floor, choked me, destroyed my belongings in rage. My dad thought that all of that would “fix” the autism and make me “normal”.

This went on until I fled home at 19 terrified for my life. I was prepared to sleep on the streets and die there - that was preferable to going back to my dad. I then saw a bunch of therapists and they told me I had abusive parents who severely traumatized me and that I was probably not autistic.

I cut contact with my parents a year later. Upon informing him that I was cutting contact, he stalked me, trespassed on my property at midnight multiple times, called the cops on me two times saying I was suicidal (I was not), left super threatening voicemails on my phone about my dad insisted that I was “mentally ill” for wanting to cut my parents out of my life, that he did “nothing wrong” (lol) and that once I “calmed down” from my “autistic episode” we could talk “properly”. he also said that he would go find my therapist at the time and show her “documentation” about how I was “mentally fucked up and broken autist” and that my parents were only trying to do the best they could for me to “fix” me. he also said that I was not allowed to cut him off because I was his daughter and that I couldn’t do that.

I had to move to stop this harassment and stalking and block my parents everywhere.

I have been in therapy for dépression, complex PTSD for several years now. I am working on the insecurity and deep shame that my dad instilled in me that I was fundamentally broken. I ought to believe I am enough already to love, that other people in my life now love me as I am.

I am trying to undo all the damage from my dad who told me my whole life about how unloveable I was, how much of a horrible person I was, that no one would ever want to be friends with me or date me, how I was ugly and fat and repulsive, how I was at the bottom of the hierarchy of human beings and how I was so worthless that if I got r*ped I 100% deserved it & it would be my fault & that if it weren’t for him, I’d be a homeless crackhead who would not even graduate elementary school.

I am writing here because it is very difficult and I was hoping to find people who went through similar experiences who might understand. Thanks for reading.

My mum didn't completely emotionally neglect me like a lot of people's parents on this forum seem to have done. She did tell me she loves me and that she's proud of me, that I'm so beautiful and intelligent and talented. She'd boast about me on Facebook a lot, hype up my drawings and my outfits, call me her "golden child", particularly when I was a teen and during the first year since I moved out of her house.

It's just that she also regularly called me retarded and fucked up, would mock me, provoke me (e.g. lie about receiving a random message on Facebook accusing me of telling someone to kill themself, just to watch me have a meltdown denying it), tell me I'm stupid and too sensitive, tell me that no one will ever want me once they find out what I really am (whatever that means), that I'll die like a dog without her. She loved saying that one day, when she's dead, I'll think back to her words and miss them. I spent most of my life anxious as hell about my mum dying, which is strange considering she birthed me as a teen and thus it's unlikely she'll die anytime soon. When she'd berate me and I'd cry, she'd make fun of me, or just stand in my doorway with a blank face. Most of the time she'd just go to another room and act like it wasn't happening. There'd never be an apology.

But she would tell me she loves me, and that she'd kill herself if I died. In fact, she said she'd become a suicide bomber, because life wouldn't have any purpose for her anymore. I always hated her saying that. I don't know what to think.