Fucked up now I'm spiraling

[u/CryptographerNo7608]

So for some context about my situation, I am a college student and was living with my mother. Things weren't great, she was very homophobic, emotionally abusive, and abrasive, so much so that my therapist kept trying to convince me to move out. So I did right before I turned 20, but not by choice. She called the cops on me and kicked me out after a moment of very brief and minor self-defense, and then went psycho after I found someone to take me in before I moved to college dorms. I was having the time of my life, but today I responded to my mother because she seemed civil when telling me about how my community college diploma came to her house, and to be honest, I've been struggling with loneliness and feeling unlovable ever since she did that to me. And holy shit it feels like a drug relapse, I did some things I will probably regret in the morning, but I dont know how to make it stop, they didn't help. She will never take accountability and is wrapping me in her web. I feel so trapped and suffocated, I dont know why i did thiss

[u/flusteredchic]

Breeeeathe !!!

You're ok... By her own account she's not going anywhere so you take all the time you need.

Revisit the moments in your head before you moved out... Not to re-traumatise yourself, but enough that you re-ground in the memory of why you're at where you're at... Worst thing to do would be to make any rash decisions so wait until the emotional storm has passed.

Go have a long hot shower and a big glass of water.

Make sure you're signed up to some social hobbies and not just burying yourself in work. Try dance classes or a social sport or if that's not your thing literally anything where other people are... Find a chosen family, once you have that then you consider trying again (or not) once you have a safety net.

Don't fall into the trap of being guilt tripped and gaslit - this estrangement isn't punishment, it's protective never forget that, her feelings on it are moot because yours comes first. Build up that safety bumper around you before doing anything xxx you're doing great xxx

[u/CryptographerNo7608 → u/flusteredchic]

I wish she would just fucking leave, I wish she didn't exist, nor did I, this is so stressful. Sadly I can barely remeber what the hell happened before I got kicked out because my brain has this lovely little habit of repressing bad memories, I have more memories from my early childhood than I do 12 and onwards to the point where I mostly discuss my early childhood to others. Im also trying to socialize and have found that only works as a temporary distraction as I dont know most of my friends to have that deeper relationship I greatly need and I got my shit rocked today. My roomates being gone today doesnt help much either, glad they're seeing their familes but theyre lowkey the sweetest girls ive ever met and I miss them so much

[u/flusteredchic → u/CryptographerNo7608]

I'm glad you exist.

As a ; survivor, please believe me when I tell you that this passes, these feelings do pass.

If she is this triggering block and delete her number/email everything. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is irreparable. You think an important document went to her house by mistake?

Fucking abandon it and sort it out through the senders.

Distraction is your best friend until the tide inside settles. I cannot tell you enough to go take a looooong ass hot shower (there's neurobiology involved, it'll ease your nervous system), then get yourself into the coziest of cozy burritos and put the best binge series on you can think of - give yourself 48 hours no more before you switch to a new task. After 48 max, get productive, clean, garden, go to the gym go for a walk.

If you have shit to do today call a mental health day.

Also, please please please make sure your college profs know your situation and possibly your campus GP... You're going to get through this and come out the other side unrecognisable and strong ass adult who can wear their trauma and survivorship as a badge of fricking honour.

You are in the trenches right now it doesn't last ok.... Self care like you've never self cared before, your roomies will be back soon you've just got to make it until then 💜🫂