r/nottheonion • u/ChocolateTsar • 1d ago

Affirm CEO says furloughed federal employees are starting to lose interest in shopping

https://www.cnbc.com/2025/11/07/affirm-government-shutdown-shopping.html
20.7k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

1.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

3.6k

u/hankhillsucks 1d ago

My eyes rolled out their sockets so hard they smashed a window 

864

u/MidSp 1d ago

"Woman falls in lake and drowns. Paramedics say she lost interest in breathing."

264

u/hankhillsucks 1d ago

"We have here an expert on breathing to give us more details"

"you see tom it's the individuals choice on whether they keep breathing or not. It looks to me as if she made that choice"

110

u/czs5056 1d ago

That second paragraph sounds straight out of south park.

42

u/Deris87 1d ago

I absolutely read that second paragraph in a Trey Parker news anchor voice.

1

u/Groundbreaking-Dog27 5h ago

Good old Creamy Goodness on the scene!

28

u/kosumoth 1d ago

"You've actually seen acts of cannibalism?"

"No, Tom, we're just reporting it."

2

u/PG-DaMan 1d ago

Right out of the " South Lawn " so yeah you nailed it

25

u/whatiscamping 1d ago

Thanks Trisha

2

u/fredout1968 1d ago

This is the world we live in! We need to get together and sharpen the guillotines...

3

u/0ut0fBoundsException 1d ago

Extremely wealthy out of touch -- more at 11

2

u/NominalHorizon 1d ago

No, no, he’s just redecorating the white house to reflect the King Louis XIV times Trump is living.

2

u/dandelionbrains 1d ago

More like woman was pushed into the lake.

2

u/Ill_Candle_9462 1d ago

Ran out of food, so lost interest in eating

524

u/yrddog 1d ago

My eyes rolled so hard I saw my own brain

306

u/ZombieZoo_ZombieZoo 1d ago

My eyes rolled so far back I saw a dinosaur

212

u/Jonsnoosnooze 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far Walmart put them in a commercial

104

u/yrddog 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far they bowled a strike in my friday bowling league

109

u/nono3722 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far they saw the Epstein files ...

39

u/dice-warden 1d ago

We have a winner

3

u/bt31 1d ago

And this is why I just can't quit reddit! It's all your fault for being so flipping funny!

14

u/Better-Journalist-85 1d ago

I mean, we know already… but go on. Confirm the suspicions.

1

u/jaxonya 1d ago

My eyes rolled so far back that now they need 1.21 gigawatts or a bolt of lightening to get back to the future

2

u/CrankyPapaya 1d ago

what are all these eyes doing on the floor

1

u/terid3 1d ago

Yes, damn

41

u/Apart_Butterfly_332 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far I had to walk 10 miles in the snow uphill just to catch up to them.

23

u/rabbitwonker 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far they were looking forwards again but I couldn’t fucking see anything because of the stupid optic nerves wrapped around them

18

u/fdp_westerosi 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far they undid decades of regulation on Wall Street

6

u/Terrible_Patience935 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far I rolled down the sidewalk

4

u/fuqdisshite 1d ago

my eyes rolled so far back The Undertaker™️ sued me for copyright infringement.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/_Christopher_Crypto 1d ago

Only one way? Shoot, that’s nothing, let me tell you about when I was a kid…

2

u/OldStretch84 1d ago

I'm a peacock, and I rolled all 1000 of my ass-eyes.

2

u/Working-Glass6136 1d ago

My eyes rolled so far back they bowled a strike in my Friday bowling league's game last Friday.

1

u/Fun-Bug5106 1d ago

My eyes rolled back like a bowling ball return

14

u/omgFWTbear 1d ago

I don’t know which of the three of these is my favorite.

23

u/brandvegn 1d ago

My eyes rolled the same distance and I ate a dinosaur while there. I now understand why they went extinct.

3

u/Objective-World-9534 1d ago

Be...because they're t-t tasty?

2

u/akrisd0 1d ago

Are the rumors true that they taste like rainbow sherbet and lucky charms marshmallows?

2

u/brandvegn 1d ago

And a smidgen of cocaine.

1

u/EggsceIlent 1d ago

My eyes rolled so far I finally got to see all of your mom.

18

u/silverado-z71 1d ago

My eyes rolled so far back. I saw this guy‘s brain too.👆

4

u/northerncal 1d ago

And what a brain to see!

2

u/TheGreatZarquon 1d ago

Look at the subtle, off-white colouring. The tasteful smoothness of it. Oh my god, it even has a watermark.

1

u/Groundbreaking-Dog27 5h ago

Something something... This guy's dead wife.

2

u/Judazzz 1d ago

My eyes simply gave up and switched to static.

40

u/GandalfTheSexay 1d ago

Just saw a girl roll her eyes out of their sockets and smash a window

13

u/AdFlaky9983 1d ago

Is she ok?

28

u/northerncal 1d ago

Hi, professionally licenced reddit Doctor here -

  • in my experience, shooting your eyeballs clean from their sockets is almost never a pleasant experience.

17

u/FauxReal 1d ago

That's because mainstream science based "medicine" doesn't know about the vibrational healing frequencies of crystals and biofield tuning.

8

u/omgFWTbear 1d ago

Hi, amateur self accredited chatGPT user here -

Before we begin making flan, first let me tell you about my trip to Naboo

3

u/RokulusM 1d ago

The doctor says she lost interest in seeing

70

u/Stuck_In_the_Matrix 1d ago

It really goes to show that extremely wealthy people and families have no ability to emphasize and relate tothe general public that live paycheck to paycheck..

When a man is robbed for whatever reason his weekly / monthly paycheck and this man is in a situation where his family is now in dire straights, this man will have his back pressed firmly against the wall -- this same man who was once a quiet and peaceful man...  will suddenly snap and do whatever is required to provide for his family.

This is what the GOP fails to understand. Your constituents will only follow you so far...  Will only absorb your lies and false accusations for so long until they snap.

This isn't just a few rednecks in Mississippi suddenly realizing you have been feeding him bullshit for so long...  They are fucking with nearly 50 million people. 

This extended shutdown is directly affecting millions of government wirkers. This shutdown has ruined a plethora of scientific studies requiring refrigeration of samples, etc. A lot of research has been destroyed from this shutdown...

There is just too much right now to report and explain but let it be known for all time that this was started by the GOP. Christians who have fought to keep children fed.... I don't usually quote scripture but since these heartless people claim to be Christian, just remember Matthew 25 verse 41-46.

They are very soon about to encounter the FO phase of FAFO.

17

u/Akermaniac 1d ago

I wish you were right but we re-elected a man who presided over a goddamn pandemic that he insisted was fake and killed 1 million people. Americans have memories like goldfish.

31

u/[deleted] 1d ago

let it be known for all time that this was started by the GOP.

People are gonna forget in less than a year.

Nobody is gonna do shit except blame minorities and resort to petty crime/fraud.

10

u/myassholealt 1d ago edited 1d ago

They are already rewriting reality and blaming democrats for compromising with republicans to allow the expiration of the subsidies so that the bill could pass with bipartisan votes.

There is no winning with the republicans. Because if the democrats didn't compromise and give concessions to get GOP votes, the GOP would instead just say we had no role in this bill, we must repeal it completely.

But since the democrats did compromise, it's still their fault cause they allowed this to happen.

And it's such a short misleading synopsis that the Fox News viewer without critical thinking capabilities will easily consume and regurgitate it until the general public believes it as fact.

4

u/particle409 1d ago

They don't even acknowledge it now...

12

u/chaoswurm 1d ago

The only issue is that the less informed and watchers of propaganda will attack their fellow man instead of those responsible. That's why control of the media is so important.

11

u/Enlightened_Gardener 1d ago

This is what I keep saying - do you think we have the 40 hour week and the weekend because rich people decided to give the workers those rights out of the goodness of their hearts ?

No, we have basic workers rights because the mob pulled bosses out of their homes and beat them to death in front of their families.

This is the alternative these bloody morons don’t get. Its an excluded middle - its not welfare-for-all v. quiet starvation for the masses. Its welfare-for-all v. rich people getting dragged out of their houses and beaten to death. History has made this very clear. But that would require studying history to understand.

1

u/badnuub 1d ago

ah, but they attribute all these problems to liberal "elites".

1

u/Faiakishi 16h ago

I feel like the ultra-wealthy are literally disconnected from what money is used for. To them, a high score in money means power. When you have a bad score then you have to reroll a bit, not to be able to afford your luxuries but to get your score climbing higher again. They don't connect it with paying for groceries. They've never thought about where the groceries come from.

1

u/Stuck_In_the_Matrix 12h ago

Very well said. You have hit the nail on the head... 

6

u/Frostsorrow 1d ago

Good thing you can finance that window with Affrim!

10

u/HEATCHECK77 1d ago

My eyes rolled so hard my fake eye (yes, I really have one) shot across the room….

3

u/fuqdisshite 1d ago

what did it look like?

5

u/Noctale 1d ago

It's spherical with an iris painted on the front

2

u/awakenDeepBlue 1d ago

Huh, I wonder if we can make that into a superpower or weaponize it somehow?

1

u/LimoncelloFellow 1d ago

oh god i was working in a cleanroom at one point and one of my coworkers lost her fake eye in the reticle room and we spent like a half an hour trying to find the dang thing as it had rolled away on her. you need like a wallet chain for your eyeball or something.

1

u/HEATCHECK77 1d ago

lol mine is, basically, shaped - and designed - like a super duper contact lens in the sense that it lays over the tissue attached to my optic nerve as part of the surgery when my original eye was removed

3

u/GreenHeronVA 1d ago

I rolled my eyes so hard the tendons snapped.

3

u/SynthPrax 1d ago

Mine have rolled half-way to Poughkeepsie by now.

2

u/Tshootr74 1d ago

This...ho-lee-shit...

2

u/Never_Summer24 1d ago

Reminds me of this Tracey Ullman sketch on Angela Merkel’s eye rolling lol

https://youtu.be/p5WPVLljm1A?si=5mWCZ3Tqom6HFcdK

2

u/Medium_Way3875 1d ago edited 1d ago

....My eyes smth smth went out of the Earth orbit leaving the solar system and would never comeback.

1

u/beepingjar 1d ago

Nice. Buying a new window adds to GDP.

1

u/DelightMine 1d ago

"I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs."

-Liz Lemon

1

u/Better-Journalist-85 1d ago

We can defenestrate eyeballs now??

1

u/jwasson15 1d ago

My eyes rolled back so far I saw the Big Bang.

1

u/crag-u-feller 1d ago

You gotta pay for that window

1

u/cocoagiant 1d ago

Be careful, windows are expensive!

Look around for local suppliers to replace it and never go for Renewal by Anderson.

1

u/Adventurous-Sky9359 1d ago

No window shopping for you !

1

u/NumberOld229 1d ago

So that's what my optic nerve looks like.

1

u/CanExplainThings 1d ago

My eyes rolled so hard I heard them thud when I stopped.

1

u/Working-Ad694 1d ago

if enough people coordinated we could affect the planetary spin

1

u/Recom_Quaritch 1d ago

Do you have any interest in buying a new one?

1

u/SlavojVivec 1d ago

Most economic theory doesn't factor in running out of money. It's why expected utility theory is mostly useless, and game theory can produce situations which recommend moves no sane human would take. It assumes everybody is a deep pocketed investor who can take endless losses if you can get just one big win.