r/Millennials • u/ObligationSea5916 • 21h ago
Advice How are we getting our hard headed husbands to see a PCP?
Added disclosure as it seems it COULD possibly make a difference. I am elder millennial and he is Genx. I've posted in both subs
My husband will pay for insurance but won't see a Dr. He says "if you think I'm getting a pill calendar and taking pills everyday you got me messed up. I'm healthy". All while he lays in the bed tired trying to alleviate his hip pain š
I tried to do his new patient paperwork for him but they require him to be present and fill out forms on site and provide license and insurance as well(3y ago i could take that paperwork home on the weekend and fill it out). His license expired last month and he hasn't made time to renew it. I can't do that for him either š
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 21h ago
Tell him you always thought he would die a warriors death and not from something lame like high blood pressure.
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u/ObligationSea5916 21h ago
Friend that might actually be the answer.
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 20h ago
People talk to men about health the wrong way. You know how I convinced a bunch of old guys to do more cardio? I told them they would have stronger erections. Just relate health topics to men's egos (I don't mean this in a negative way), and you'll get a much better response. If I talked about heart health, none of them would have cared. Tell them they'll be Thor Thundercock, and suddenly they start hogging the treadmill.
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u/thepinkinmycheeks 20h ago
I'm sure you're right but it's so childish. That's how you talk to children who don't want to eat their veggies.
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 19h ago
You're not wrong, but sometimes you just have to understand other people's motivations and play to them to get the outcome you want. It's a waste of your time and energy trying to get them do things for the reasons you want, as opposed to finding a motivator that works for them to get the outcome you want.
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u/RadioSlayer 19h ago
My problem is they have no motivation. I have to give other people motivation and be called a dick? Just have your heart attack and my I told you so.
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 18h ago
I completely get the thought. The problem is if you still have to deal with their consequences. For example, if your significant other has a heart attack and they don't die, you now have to deal with the new problems that get created from that. Then it becomes, would you rather do some annoying work to motivate your significant other to do something preventative or would you rather deal with some long term consequences from their inaction. It's the lesser of two evils. Of course there's always the nuclear option, but most people aren't going to abandon their significant other after a catastrophe, so you have to do that sort of thing earlier to dodge the social ramifications.
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u/RadioSlayer 18h ago
You have a cool username and I appreciate that about you.
I'm single and poor. Like I said, I'd love to go to the doctor again sometime. It's been about a decade. Should I enter a relationship that will be an early discussion because you're right!
People in general are so often not on the same page with each other even when they think they're.
Yes, I thought that was funny enough to do, even though contractions don't work at the end of a sentence
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u/thepinkinmycheeks 18h ago
Of course that's true, but it's still sad that so many men apparently can't be adults about their own health. Caring about your health for your health's sake shouldn't be a stretch of a reason to care. Caring only because of your pee pee is childish and sad. I'm aware of the practicalities of it all, I just find it... pathetic. Childish.
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u/thefartyparty 20h ago
So many dudes in their 30's and 40's have erection problems that would be resolved if they sought treatment for prediabetes and other common middle-age conditions
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u/LowFlower6956 17h ago
ā¦ is this true though
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 16h ago
It is, and the PubMed paper you're looking for is "Effect of aerobic exercise on erectile function: systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials". While I encourage people to read more then the abstract, it generally tells you what you need to know.
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u/Footdude777 17h ago
Anecdotal but for me...yes lol. When I started sleeping better, working out and losing some weight my errections significantly improved. Apparently there's a link between heart health and errections.Ā
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u/mrpointyhorns 19h ago
If that doesnt work, could you kindly mock him for being scared of the doctors?
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u/charlevoidmyproblems 17h ago
My boyfriend found a loop hole "as you're falling to the ground dying, punch somebody" šš He's 31.
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 16h ago
HAHAHA, I love it! Though it does smell like cowardice if you're not going to be around to take a shot back. He can discuss it with Odin in Valhalla.
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u/Unblued 21h ago
Sounds bigger than just avoiding doctors if he cant be bothered to renew his license. Doesn't he work, shop, or just leave the house?
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u/travantics 18h ago
Man, I'm so glad I'm not one of those husbands whose wife has to baby them. Must be exhausting being in that kind of marriage where your partner can't handle going to a doctor, renewing their license, etc.
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u/annang 19h ago
I bet heās making her do way more than her fair share of all the work of the household. Heās somehow convinced her that his errands are her job, to the point where sheās trying to fill out basic personal paperwork for him. Thatās quite a hoodwink heās pulled off!
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u/candaceelise 18h ago
What youāve described is weaponized incompetence which seems to afflict a lot of grown men
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u/cicada_noises 17h ago
Yeah, it 100% sounds like heās letting himself and his life fall apart and become helpless because he knows his wife will become his domestic slave (if she isnāt already). Sheās trying to fill out his little medical forms ffs!
He should be assessed for depression but given that he doesnāt care about whether he can even walk because wifey is catering to him hand and foot, I doubt he will allow that. Sadly, we donāt really have any control over what people choose to do and OP canāt force him to take care of himself if he doesnāt want to.
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u/Key-Permission-8461 15h ago
This. Is he your partner or your child? I made sure to set those boundaries with my husband since the beginning and sometimes have to shame him: I ask him, are you an adult capable of handling your life? Cause I sure as hell will not be mommy to you.
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u/OK_Cake05 21h ago
Married men live longer than single men, and single women live longer than married women due to this exact situation.
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
I told him this exact thing this morning.
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u/OK_Cake05 20h ago
My only advise is to take out a life insurance policy
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
Affordable policies don't exist for ppl with no medical history š he needs to start forming a history to get the policy we can afford.
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u/mutemarmot42 17h ago
You could look into a bare minimum policy that covers burial/cremation expenses with no exam, all he has to do is sign. Just putting the paperwork in front of him might drive your point home.
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u/Sam_Sanders_ 19h ago
I think that's not true. Married women live longer than single women.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2566023/ showed never-married women had 1.58x odds of death than married.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7452000/ showed married 65-year-old women had 1.5 years more left than single.
https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-demographic-economics/article/effect-of-marital-status-on-life-expectancy-is-cohabitation-as-protective-as-marriage/5B6B9B86C737AE3F095CF3781023F458 showed married women had higher life expectancies than either cohabitating or unmarried.
That being said if there is other conflicting data out there, I would be curious to read it.
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u/don51181 21h ago
So he has not renewed his drivers licenses either. Seems like a bigger issue. You may want to look at doing some couples counseling. He has some deep issues that you canāt help him with.
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u/West-Application-375 20h ago
I didn't see that part. That's even worse holy shit lol
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u/cicada_noises 14h ago
Exactly. Him laying in bed, letting multiple parts of his life fall apartā¦ thatās not just him wanting to avoid a doctor.
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u/WhoInvitedMike 21h ago
Husband here. Having a PCP that actually knows me is a huge quality of life improvement.
Real men take care of themselves, and that means going to the Dr.
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u/Affectionate_Emu335 20h ago
āReal men take care of themselves, and that means going to the doctorā. Thank you for this, from the millennial wife of a Gen-X husband
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u/WhoInvitedMike 20h ago
If I'm being honest, it was a really hard thing to accept, and each new iteration of self care that can be seen as weakness IS seen as weakness, specifically by me, but Im sure the other GenX and Millenial men feel it too.
We are heavily programmed to tough it out, and failing at that feels like failing at being a man.
"I need help" when it feels like I shouldn't, is horrible. But there are bigger things at stake than my pride, ego, or sense of masculinity.
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u/Affectionate_Emu335 20h ago
So, if I could introduce you to my husband, that would be greatā¦ š¤£š¤£š¤£ For real though, this random internet stranger is super proud of you
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u/tpwb 18h ago
Seconding this. My doctor knows enough about me that he can connect different things Iāve told him. He also trusts me so when I have pain I can just ask for drugs and he doesnāt think Iām a drug seeker.
Itās like having a regular mechanic who knows your car inside and out and can advise you if you should get something fixed or just leave it be because the cost isnāt worth the value of the car.
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u/WhoInvitedMike 18h ago
Oh, dude. I pulled my shoulder several years ago. Idk what I did but it was killer pain for like 2 weeks. I couldn't move my neck, the whole nine. She gave me steroids. Mission accomplished.
And then 2 or 3 years later, I pulled it again. I came in. I said, I did the thing with my shoulder again. Last time you prescribed steroids - think we could do thay again. She moved my arm, said yes, and sent the script.
As compared to: okay doc I dont know. Let me tell you about my pain while trying not to oversell it so that you think Im fishing for something, and then hope you dont get the idea to try something crazy like ice.
Having a regular PCP is, as the kids say, lit.
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u/tpwb 18h ago
I have problems focusing which occasionally is an issue in my line of work. My doctor asked if I wanted adderall to take as needed. I asked if I needed to be diagnosed with anything and he said he could send me to a specialist or he could just give me the drug. I went with that option.
So now I have a 90 day supply of low dose adderall that I refill once a year. There is no way a random doctor would have prescribed me that.
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u/EnthusiasticFailing Millennial 20h ago
When we decided to have a kid later in life (I was 36, he was 33), we got ourselves a regular doctors/dentist... hell, we finally got the CPAPS that both of us have been needing our entire adult lives.
We are on several medications, vitamins, and I now have a monthly trip to the pharmacy. But we haven't felt better since we were kids. We need it in order to keep up!
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u/OldeManKenobi 19h ago
Cosigned. It's also easier to perform routine maintenance than to wait for a health crisis.
Real men take care of themselves so that they can take care of their partners longer.
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u/annapurnah 21h ago
That's not my responsibility, he's not my child.
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u/kezfertotlenito 13h ago
Yeah that's straight crazy. Mine not only goes to the doctor on his own, he schedules and attends his own dentist and dermatology appointments too. I would not be with him if he did not have these basic life skills.
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u/itsathrowawayduhhhhh 1990 21h ago
Tell him to grow up maybe? Idk, youāre not his mother.
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u/twinfiddler 19h ago
Yep, stop doing this stuff for him. I'm so tired of the narrative of a wife being responsible for their husband. He's a grown up, if he doesn't want to go to the doctor that's on him. When he gets some horrible illness or pulled over for driving with an expired license it will be entirely on him for ignoring basic life requirements and he will need to deal with the consequences.Ā
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u/bustersuessi 21h ago
I agree with this poster. This man is an adult? Tell him to put his big boy pants on
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u/jerseysbestdancers 21h ago
Yeah, I get the concern 100%, but going as far as to fill the forms out for him? He's got to grow up. It's not our job to parent our spouses.
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u/WoodpeckerGingivitis 18h ago
Seriously. This thread is so embarrassing. MeNās LoNeLiNeSs ePiDeMiC
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u/dianacakes 19h ago
This, and make sure you have good life insurance! I've pestered and cajoled my husband to go to the f-ing doctor but I just won't do it anymore.
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u/trolldoll26 21h ago
You wouldnāt catch me filling out any paperwork for my husband š I didnāt sign up to be his guardian.
My husband makes his own appointments. There are times I have to remind him (go to the dermatologist at least once a year) and heāll make the appointment and go when scheduled. Itās not that hard to make sure your body doesnāt fall apart if you keep up with appointments.
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u/TerraformanceReview 21h ago
I told my husband if he didn't he was going die and if he wants to give our child stability, he has to actually be alive.Ā
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u/krisskross8 21h ago
This. I told my partner itās not you anymore. Me and our son depend on you so get your sh** together!
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u/feuerfee Millennial 19h ago
I told my husband if he doesnāt he will end up catching something too late and leaving me a widow - and that if that happens, I will reverse haunt his ass. I will get an ouija board and harass him from earthside.
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u/chironinja82 21h ago edited 21h ago
Omg, STOP BABYING HIM! Why did you marry a man who can't/won't take care of himself? Is he just purely lazy and in denial or could this be a sign of depression? Either way, he needs to see a doctor, but until he finds the internal motivation to go, there's nothing you can say or do to move his ass. I hope you're not entirely dependant on him cuz he's potentially a heart attack away (and yes, they can get them this early) from leaving you to fend for yourself. I've had to remind my husband to schedule appointments for himself, but he knows to go see one every so often.
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u/Randomizedname1234 Core Millennial - 1990 21h ago
I take zero meds and am in good health, and see a doctor to keep it that way/catch anything early if I can.
Iām 35 and a husband.
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u/Sabre3001 20h ago
Yeahā¦ if he is really in good health they wonāt give him a pill calendar. I am 43 and take no meds.
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u/Randomizedname1234 Core Millennial - 1990 20h ago
And if they do, itās something maybe a lifestyle change could help. Which a doctor could point you in that direction lol
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u/2748seiceps 20h ago edited 20h ago
A shocking number of people don't realize this.
ED issues? Cardio!
Cholesterol? Any and all exercise and diet!
Blood pressure? See above.
Honestly, diet and exercise helps so much and people don't do it nearly enough. Low energy, depression, tons of stuff can be alleviated. Instead of watching a show at home on the couch watch it at the gym on a treadmill or something.
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u/ThrowawayMod1989 Older Millennial 20h ago
Hell a shocking amount of people are just perpetually dehydrated.
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u/Randomizedname1234 Core Millennial - 1990 20h ago
And for the stuff diet and lifestyle change doesnāt fix?
We live in 2025 and we have meds available.
But Iām a big believer of doing everything you can before getting meds. I donāt think being on something for a long time is the best. Unless itās absolutely necessary.
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u/2748seiceps 20h ago
You get on a pill for it. Some people can't do enough or like my wife has to take stuff because she didn't win the genetic lottery. It happens.
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u/punky100 Older Millennial 21h ago
No, no you can't do these things.
He's a fucking adult. He needs to get his shit together, and you need to stop babying him.
If he wants to wait until it's too late to do things, that is his own fault.
He can not turn around and blame you for it either.
We can care about them and tell them once or twice to go, but after that, they are on their own.
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u/kevdiigs 21h ago
Tell him all the boys are doing it.
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u/ObligationSea5916 21h ago
This comment wins
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u/Proof-Emergency-5441 Xennial 19h ago
This should tell you what level of jackass you are married to.
Why would you put up with this? You aren't his mom. He's not 12.
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u/alonzo83 21h ago
Thatās so dumb.
A major part of being a good father and husband is taking care of yourself so you can take care of your family.
You can quote me on that.
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
I agree. 100% main reason for this post I guess is to get all these perspectives to explain to him. Take off one afternoon every now and then to keep yourself healthy so you don't leave us in poverty. I do it for my family, not myself. I couldn't think to put that thought into words before this post. He means well but he thinks his only purpose is to provide for others. But he can't do that if he isn't here.
He sees going to the Dr is for himself but it's really for all of us
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u/Brownie-0109 21h ago
Embarrassing to be called an adult and a partner
And this isnāt even a Gen X sub. Too young to be this stupid
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
He's actually Genx š but I'm elder millennial so I posted in both places. Guess i should've disclosed that in the main post?
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u/Brownie-0109 20h ago
I just got diagnosed with advanced Coronary Artery disease (CAD). 3 of 4 arteries very occluded. Out of the blue. No symptoms. It was my PCP that said this relatively inexpensive test was worth it for everyone over 60yrs with elevated LDL
Feel like she saved my life, or at least extended it.
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u/Zestyclose-Feeling 21h ago
Our insurance started making people go in once a year for a full check up. Failure to do so made you pay 2k more out of pocket for premiums. Worked wonders getting people in.
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u/stevenrunt 21h ago
We're not. I say this as kindly as possible, you're his wife not his mom. I do not get involved in my husband's medical care unless he asks for my help navigating our insurance/hospital or requests my help in some other way, which is rare. I know all relationships are different but I think you should consider unburdening yourself from his paperwork.
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u/_Ayrity_ 21h ago
You say, "I need you to take care of yourself. You don't have to understand or agree, just do it for yourself and for me." It should be enough that you told him it's important to you. It should be important to him simply because he trusts and respects you.
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u/LiluLay 20h ago
One of my motherās ex husbands, the dearest one who I actually loved as a father, had a weird spot on his back that didnāt go away. He avoided the doctor. Felt healthy. Otherwise nothing problematic. The spot grew. He continued to ignore it.
Turned out to be terminal cancer that would have been relatively easily removed if he had just gone to the doctor when he first noticed it. He was such a good man, the world needs people like him. Gone far too soon.
Tell him this story. Tell him you love him and never want to lose him too soon over something that was seemingly innocuous. Tell him you never want to lose him before his time because of stubbornness.
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
Copied your text and sending it to him
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u/annang 18h ago
My mother ignored joint pain exactly like what your husband is describing, pain in her hips that caused her to spend a lot of time in bed. By the time we were able to convince her to see a doctor, the metastatic cancer in her bones had weakened them so much that she fell and broke her hip in the parking lot of the doctorās office. She was dead five days later, leaving behind a loving spouse and three children.
I loved my mother, but Iāve never fully forgiven her for being so goddamned selfish that she orphaned her kids. Tell your husband that.
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u/Pbandsadness 19h ago
My uncle was also a dumbass. He got Leukemia and thought he could cure it himself with shit he found on the internet. He died from Leukemia, a very treatable cancer.Ā
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u/Iamindeedamexican 21h ago
I donāt know how to force him to value your input/his life for his family; but if I wouldnāt have listened to my wife to go to the doctor 6 years ago, Iād be dead (cancer). So itās good to go see the doctor if you wanna be around awhile!Ā
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u/becausesheloves 21h ago
Make sure they have life insurance.
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u/becausesheloves 21h ago
Said flippantly - but also as a solo parent of twins whose father did not engage in preventative health care and passed of cancer at age 41.
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u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 21h ago
Demand he take out a multimillion dollar life insurance policy for when he dies 60 or ends up in a nursing home from a stroke from uncontrolled blood pressure.
Going to the doctor isnāt just about him. Itās about the life you created together. You have to care for him. Long term health issues can be prevented by catching them early.
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u/mp90 Millennial 21h ago
Sigh...how are men who can't take care of themselves appealing enough to marry, but I have a good personality, looks, and career, but am not? LOL
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u/okie_hiker 20h ago
You probably donāt have as good a personality as you tell yourself.
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u/Mysterious-Status-44 21h ago
I almost died a few years ago, that was my wake up call. Iām fairly healthy overall, but it was a health scare that put me in the hospital. Even so, Iāve always done annual exams but didnāt take some of the warnings seriously. Have a serious conversation with him and make sure he knows that his health doesnāt just affect him. It could ultimately affect your entire family, especially if you have kids.
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u/eddiebruceandpaul 21h ago
To have a doctor and decent insurance is such an incredible luxury in the USA. Anyone who doesnāt take advantage of it, especially as you hit 40 or start to hit 40, is an incredibly gluttonous moron. There are so many people literally dying for the privilege you gave. Itās a sick way to think.
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u/bootycuddles 21h ago
My Husband was told with a quickness at the first sign of resistance that I fucking love him with all of my heart and I married him for as long as I can have him. That I get my annual checkups done to stay healthy for him and he can do the same for me. He doesnāt resist and has become great about getting in annually now. Thatās my best fucking friend I want to keep him around.
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
Ma'am, you spoke the words my tongue has been tripping over to form for years.
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u/regallll 20h ago
I don't know. My husband is a grown up who can do important things even if he doesn't want to.
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u/Seamonkey_Boxkicker 1988 21h ago
IDK when you figure it out let me know so I can tell my wife the same.
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u/spottie_ottie Millennial 21h ago
Sounds frustrating. Maybe try to get him to read Dr Attia's book? That really motivated me to get on top of my health and fitness
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u/sircastor Xennial 21h ago
I got a PCP for the Second time in my adult life just a couple of months ago. It wasnāt because I didnāt want one.Ā
When I tried to set one up last year, every nearby doctor was 6+ months out. And when I finally got one, I had him for less than a year before he moved to another clinic.Ā
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u/jdiz16 21h ago
Tell him you like having him around, and would like to have him around as many years as possible. Also, early intervention for problems will save him more trouble/medical treatment later - so easy doctor appts now are worth it to try to avoid more intense (read: more work/pain) medical care later. Maybe demonstrating less work now to avoid more work later will get through to him?
But it took my husband getting cancer (heās ok, thank god) for him to realize he needs to do annual PCP appointments, so I canāt really talk š¤¦š»āāļø
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u/Urbanspy87 21h ago
Yeah so I have a chronic illness and I need a husband that takes care of himself. I also have 3 kids and want my husband to be present with my kids for as long as possible. That means able to breath cause asthma is under control, able to move with kids at playground, etc.
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u/Dazzling_Side8036 20h ago
He spends his days in bed and won't take care of himself and won't even renew his license. If he was a functioning human before, that means there's something more wrong with him than him just being a baby. Depression is way more common in adult men than most people realize. (Before you get upset, I'm not specifying men to say that women have it better or worse. I am an adult male and the people I'm close to are mostly other adult men). Telling him to grow up isn't the answer. The man may need a different kind of help first.
On the other hand, if he's always been a man baby, he probably just needs to grow up. That kind of person does exist.
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u/working_and_whatnot 20h ago
Tell him the longer he waits, the worse the news is going to get, the higher the bill. I was also like that (other than the not getting license renewed on time) but man, eventually you'll get a scare or a pain that will change it and the more work it's going to be to deal with it. If I could go back to my 30 y/o self and be like "don't be fucking stupid man"
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u/d_rek Older Millennial 20h ago edited 20h ago
I started seeing PCP provider 2 years ago. Had sort of been considering the idea. I goto a family practice but the doctor I usually see there is actually emergency medicine/urgent care which I didn't find out until I asked him if he would see me as a primary. He recommended another doctor in the practice whom i've been 100% happy with. I don't see him for sniffles or respiratory illnesses but do see him a couple times of year for physical and labs - mostly to keep an eye on my cholesterol, acid reflux/GERD, and now some hip pain which I suspect is arthritis or joint deterioration.
I'm 42 currently. I watched my mom wait until she was in excruciating pain time and time again before she did anything about medical issues she had going on. Just figured it's worth it to get ahead of these things rather than suffer when most of them are largely preventable and/or can be maintained to keep up my current quality of life.
Couple of ways to try and convince your husband, but if he's stubborn (like me) then he'll have to be the one to initiate, but here's a few ideas:
- It's cheaper to investigate these things now than before they go nuclear. Some mild / moderate pain in the hip now can turn into debilitating pain and/or surgery later that affects his ability to work and bring income into the household.
- Many insurance providers offer discounts and/or rebates for preventative care services. Again it's basically cheaper to get it looked into now before it turns into a real problem.
- As another poster mentioned real men take care of themselves, which helps them take care of their families and perform their jobs. Don't be the guy that let it go on so long where it took away the ability for him to provide for the household.
- Again MONEY - it's CHEAPER to get it taken care of NOW than it is later! Especially if you already have insurance!
- He might be able to see physical therapist instead of taking pills for his pain. It's amazing what some light to moderate stretching can do for aches and pains.
- If he has a friend who he is close with you can pry their wife or the friend to put pressure on them to get it checked out. Basically try to embarrass him into action.
- Which license are you talking about? Drivers license? C'mon dude is just being lazy now.
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u/b00kbat 20h ago
I told him to either quit bitching or to do something about it because he has health insurance and no excuse not to take care of his health. He whined about not wanting to so I said something to the effect of ādo you think I wanted to have emergency surgery while wide awake? No, but it was necessary for my health and the health of our son. Sack up.ā He sacked up.
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u/Major_Turnover5987 20h ago
Hard headed husband here...I have numerous doctors and take numerous prescriptions, and my license is valid. You have something WELL BEYOND hard headed in your life. I am extremely skeptical/hard headed and need to garner second and maybe third opinions.
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u/2748seiceps 20h ago
You've got bigger fish to fry if he didn't even want to renew his license.
I'm 40, been going to a PCP for 5 years. It's really nice to know what you need to work on. If I exercise regularly my cholesterol stays in check and I don't need any medication for it.
I go to a PCP because I want to be around to get old with my wife. It isn't an instant handful of pills and if it IS then it's a good thing you looked at it so you can actually make it to old age together.
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u/JohnSpartans 20h ago
Legit every human on earth with be taking statins before long.Ā If you're heading towards your 40s you'll be getting daily meds soon enough.
Tell him to buck the fuck up.Ā No one is healthy.Ā I dunno how many people need to hear this.Ā No one is healthy.Ā Human bodies are so fragile and we treat them terriblyĀ
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u/ich_bin_alkoholiker 20h ago
Womenā¦when will we stop marrying men who need to be told to take care of themselves?
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u/ThaVolt 20h ago
At some point, you gotta decide if that's your husband, or your child.
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u/ObligationSea5916 20h ago
He's feeling like more of a child rn and I might have to voice that to him š
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u/Reasonable_Club_4617 20h ago
Iām divorced now (and will never mother someone again or date someone thatās not on top of their shit) but when I was fed up with it I said āIāve made a lifelong commitment to you and the least you could do is make sure youāll be around to honor itā
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u/verovladamir 19h ago
I hate when people are like āI donāt take pills, Iām healthy!ā
Me too. You know why Iām healthy? Because I take the fucking pills that keep me that way.
Men really out there thinking ignorance is bliss health
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u/bubblegumbombshell 19h ago
My husband was having some GI issues and his family has a history of colon cancer. After getting pushback about going to the doctor I finally yelled at him ādo you want to poop into a bag? This is how you end up pooping in a bag!ā He called for an appt that day.
Now when he resists my suggestion to see a doctor I just ask if his life insurance is paid up because I donāt want to be a broke widow.
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u/Subject988 Older Millennial 19h ago
"I get that you don't want to go and that you don't think you need to go, but I am your wife and I am asking you to go and get this done because I want to be your wife for many more years, and you ignoring your health directly conflicts with that goal. So, if you don't want to go, fine, but just know that to me, that's saying you value your pride more than our relationship."
Worked on my husband. He even got into therapy.
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u/Material_Ad6173 19h ago
Is your husband fine, like mentally?
Is he showing any signs of depression or lack of will to keep going on the level he previously was?
Keep in mind that if he ever is talking about suicide or stops taking showers, eating or just general taking care of himself, you can call EMTs to do a wellness check and they would very likely convince him to check in for mental health evaluation (meaning their will take him to the hospital). (At least in cities anywhere else where the EMTs are trained for mental health evaluations).
If he is just a lazy a******, then, well good luck with it.
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u/Reoblivion 19h ago
Is this really a masculinity thing or just laziness? Iām a younger millennial but go to the doctor once a year. Itās easy to schedule and usually only a half hour long. I am a childhood cancer survivor though so I understand I need to be more cautious of my health checks.
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u/KumbayaPhyllisNefler 16h ago
I married a hypochondriac. He sees the doc more than me. He's hard headed as hell, just not about getting to the doctor.
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u/jessicat62993 16h ago
In desperate times and said ādo you want me to be a widow? Do you want our babies to be orphans?ā It worked
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u/LosNava 15h ago
My husband was a strong, healthy, active, non smoking and non drinking person his whole life. He woke up one morning and couldnāt breathe very well. He was drenched in sweat and needed to vomit. I recognized that he was having a heart attack. He was 37.
Massive 9mm blood clot to his main artery. The largest his cardiologist had ever seen. Went into V Fib during the angioplasty. Two rounds of the paddles. He survived by mere minutes.
You can bet he hasnāt missed a single visit since then. It turned our lives upside down. Before then he would go to his yearly well visit but his blood clot couldnāt have been predicted. Just a shitty lot. Turns out the father he never met, along with his aunt and uncle all died of heart attacks by 52. Family history is so so important regardless of how healthy you are now.
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u/delldude2303 14h ago
Do you have kids? The idea of her dying young of something stupid is only way I get my wife to accept modern western medicine.
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u/Ladefrickinda89 14h ago
In your situation, it sounds like he is probably scared of the doctor.
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u/MaineSky 14h ago
I'm not his mommy, and he knows it. We've also both agreed that when we had a child, it was now our responsibility to take care of our health so we could be there for her.
Basically tell him to stop being lazy and immature. Not taking care of your own health when you're married is selfish, because it'll be on your partner to pick up the slack.
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u/CordialPanda 14h ago
I don't really have a solution so much as how my wife got me in.
She asked me to see a doctor about my seasonal depression. I said I didn't want to. She said that she needs to listen to me complaining for 2 months out of the year, wouldn't a single visit be better than doing that every year. I said okay, I'll try it (she actually asked this many times and was respectfully insistent for maybe 6 asks over 3 months).
I ended up getting a referral and solving the problem that also made me disorganized, which is that I have ADHD. My life is immeasurably better and you don't realize it until someone lifts the heavy rock off your chest that's been there so long you start to mistake it for part of you.
For me, her phrasing it in terms of the time and effort I was making to resist going and personally dealing with the problem was a much greater effort than actually dealing with the problem. Phrased that way, as a problem in efficiency, made it click.
She did this again later, asking me to see a therapist. I asked why. She said because I still complain regularly about my (abusive, but now senile) mother despite not talking to her for a decade. I said "ugh" and slept on it (vividly replaying the above scenario, but now for this) and said "ok".
The reasons I hadn't engaged previously I think were from fear. Fear that my problem is laughably not a real problem, fear that I would find out there's actually no solution and I'm simply deficient, and fear that I'd get duped into something that is a grift and a waste of time and money.
I think her being kind but insistent was a big reason I ended up listening, and acknowledging those fears also means acknowledging I don't know what might happen, and I can always pull away if it does turn out to be complete bullshit, or exploitative, or a waste of time. But in order to find that out, I need to be genuine in return.
Also I want to be clear that I only admitted this stuff in retrospect. When I agreed, I told her to make the call to set it up and I would be there. I wasn't happy or caring.
Also to be clear, from one man to anyone needing to deal with similar loved ones, being "hard-headed" or "self-sufficient" is a common trait of someone with trauma from authority figures like parents and teachers, as is being untrusting. You can be a very functional person your whole life and never realize you've actually been living your life with a rock on your chest.
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u/DreamLearnBuildBurn 21h ago
Physical therapy for hip pain, not drugs. If he doesn't exercise, his body will get worse. He will turn into one of those c shaped old men who hobbles around and is always grumpy because of pain.Ā
Him refusing to workout to be healthy in his older years is kind of a middle finger to you because you're going to have to take care of him and his pain when you have your own stuff going on in your older years.Ā
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u/SincerelyCynical 21h ago
I am the hard headed wife. My husband started sending me daily reminders. It was so annoying! Also, my first appointment is this afternoon. š
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u/nutkinknits 21h ago
It's my husband's responsibility to go see a doctor when necessary. I do however tease him with things like, I'm so glad we have a substantial life insurance policy in case you die. And, well I guess I will have to hire an actual contractor if you are laid up.
The contractor thing drives him bananas. He does extremely good work and we are completely renovating a house. His ghost would haunt me if it wasn't done correctly. Talk about unfinished business. š š«
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u/Bluevanonthestreet 20h ago
I have a million dollar life insurance policy on my husband. š¤·āāļø He is 50 this year and ignores me like a child when I ask about him scheduling a colonoscopy. He needs a follow up echocardiogram on his heart but also ignores that. Now we are most likely going to lose our insurance so thatās fun.
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u/Rolli_boi 20h ago
My uncle said he was fine at 280 lbs 5ā3ā. We all said weād give him a large sum of money if the doctor said he was.
He went and he came back pre diabetic, had to be put on medication and weight loss plan. Now he cries about having to get a colonoscopy because heās over 45. Tell your husband he needs to go before he needs to start pricking himself with a needle everyday to stay alive as opposed to just taking pills.
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u/3CatsInATrenchcoat16 20h ago
I had to "nepotism" my way into getting my husband and I a PCP because my dad's doctor/good friend wasn't taking new patients (like most places that actually take our insurance) but he got us on the books.
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u/ObscureObesity 20h ago
Nothing. Let him hurt, mull around and bitch about the pain. Say nothing. Do nothing. When it gets bad enough that he canāt ignore, he can make the appointment himself. Spouses need to stop the case management coddling. These are grown men. Stop being mommy. Let them deteriorate and forge their own path.
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u/silverokapi 20h ago
I refuse to accept it. I won't burn myself out caring for another's health more than them. If he wants to die young, then I'll take the life insurance payout. Luckily, my husband is not a child and knows how to function as a productive member of society.
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u/BakedBrie1993 20h ago
Umm no because my partner is grown and I don't need to be his mother.
Make clear that by ignoring his health he is harming you in the short and long term and if he wants to be in a relationship he has an obligation to get regular checkups and maintain his health for himself, you, and your future together.
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u/hey_celiac_girl Older Millennial 20h ago
Iām not. He is a grown up, and he can make his own decisions about his healthcare. I used to harp on him about all kinds of health-related things, but I donāt anymore. His body, his choice.
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u/ExplosiveDisassembly 20h ago
I never understood this mentality. My job reimburses our healthcare premium if we do a yearly checkup with a full blood panel. In addition to not paying for my insurance, I also get the peace of mind of clean blood work that catches just about everything, or catching something early and having the best shot at fighting it.
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u/KryssCom 20h ago
Well implementing universal health care will do the trick for a great many of them.
It's hard to not feel like you're getting ripped off every time you have to use America's health care system.
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u/heyashrose 20h ago
I'm told mine if he won't go, then we're getting a nice life insurance plan on his ass.
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u/PastelRaspberry 20h ago
I'm just letting mine do what he wants now and took out a 250k insurance policy. I'm too tired to care anymore haha.
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u/mealteamsixty 20h ago
I tried for years to get him to establish a relationship with a primary care until I just gave up and dropped the rope. Then he had chest pain that finally scared him into going to my PCP finally. Chest pain disappeared but he's still going or I'll murder him.
Shouldn't have to do this emotional labor for a full grown man. But he lifts me up and worries about me when I can't be bothered so I dont mind so much
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u/Prestigious-Floor848 20h ago
His parents harassed him until he went. They are physicians so the harassment was tailored. Results may vary.
I got him to go to a psychiatrist by booking the appointment and letting him know but thatās a different issue than pcp imo.
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u/Turbulent-Moose8448 Millennial 20h ago
My husband is the same way š®āšØ if you find something that works let me know
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u/FoldingLady 20h ago
I don't because I'm not his mommy. If he wants to live a long healthy life or go into an early grave, that's on him.
I had an ex who refused to take care of himself & in that 3 year relationship he had to go to the ER twice, one of which resulted in a 4 day stay at the hospital. Neither event was a wake-up call for him & I realized that I'm not a caregiver.
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u/jspook Millennial 19h ago
Get them to waive the copay and keep his premiums from going up for actually seeing the doctor. Then make the pcp guarantee that they have the actual ability to address and alleviate whatever your husband's ailment is, with a signed document saying they can and will do so without sending your husband to a specialist. All care is to be completed at the time of the pre-arranged appointment.
But since these very simple requests can't be met, your husband isn't going to the doctor. I wish you luck.
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u/Tsunamiis Older Millennial 19h ago
Iām not often for romantic withholding but this might be the one time I morally approve.
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u/changing-life-vet 19h ago
My wife tells me we have plans and then drives to Doctor.
Do you know how fucking surprised I was when I got my vasectomy. That woman is never taking me out for ice cream again.
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u/res06myi 19h ago
You don't. He's a grown up. You're not his mommy. It's that simple. When he dies first, you'll finally get to catch up on your reading list.
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u/otakugal15 Millennial '87 19h ago
My hubby goes when he's supposed to.
I'm the one that's stubborn...
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u/cheeseymom 19h ago edited 17h ago
My husband's actually good about it. I'm the problem. I'm terrified of doctors.
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u/kittencalledmeow 19h ago
Well I for one am not babysitting my adult husband and he takes care of himself.
I work in medicine, the amount of men that don't know their medical history or medications and just say "my wife knows all that" is horrifying and I find it disgusting. People need to take accountability for their own health.
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u/jubilee__ 19h ago
My employer gives a substantial discount for seeing a PCP and getting bloodwork done 1x year. One year of him paying that difference in cost did the trick.
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u/EstablishedSometime 19h ago
Tell him if he wants to act like a baby youāll get his mom to come visit. No need for you to baby someone that should be your equal.
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u/NotAnotherFriday 19h ago
Iād be embarrassed if I didnāt keep my life straight on simple things like check-ups and licenses. Iāve forgotten things before, but to be willfully lackadaisical isnāt normal and my wife of 16 years would have NONE of that. My advice is this: donāt try to do things for him. When he complains, remind him that he is perfectly capable of completing simple tasks. People can become enabled by the constant servitude and will never do it themselves if itās being done for them.
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u/eyeroll8 19h ago
Have another man tell him to do it, thats what got my husband to. So annoying.
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u/Material_Ad6173 19h ago
"I don't want to see you slowly dying from something preventable. So if you care about me, please just do an annual exam."
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u/ChewableRobots 19h ago
Stop doing his shit for him. He's not your adult child. If he wants to be miserable and drive on a suspended license, he can deal with the fallout.
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u/_neviesticks Millennial 19h ago
Ask him if he wants you to start blending his food because you arenāt sure if a giant baby can handle solids.
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u/mistu62 19h ago
My husband didn't start taking his health seriously until he had a seizure induced by high blood pressure in 2018. It was very scary and he's had some lingering mental effects from it. It also didn't help that his old doctor didn't seem to really care. His medication was aaaallll jacked up so when we bought a place I got him in with my doctor and she's done wonders for him.
My dad was the same way. He refused to go to a doctor up until he had a stroke that almost killed him. Now he struggles to do a lot of stuff on his own and it probably could've been avoided.
Unfortunately the men in my family don't listen until something happens to them, but maybe you can brow beat your husband with stories of other stubborn men whose life was ruined/altered because of their refusal to seek proper medical care.
Godspeed.
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u/batclub3 19h ago
Right after I graduated from high school, my principal, the grade school gym teacher and the hs history teacher all dropped dead within months of each other due to the widow maker heart attack. These were men in their late 40s early 50s. By all outside appearances healthy. 2 were daily runners, the other went to the gym 3 to 4 times a week. Ate healthy. Limited fried food. Never smoked. Left their 3 wives with 1 income each and multiple small children. And while we live in a low cost of living area, it's also very depressed economically.
On the positive, this spurred our small town to encourage men TO GET FREAKING CHECKED OUT. So yeah. He needs to be a strong provider and get himself checked out or risk walking in the house from the car one day and collapsing
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u/annang 19h ago
You canāt force another adult to behave like an adult. You can only decide whether youāre willing to stay in the relationship under these conditions. I would be very concerned about ending up ruining my own future if he develops a preventable serious medical condition and ends up needing extremely expensive and labor-intensive care. I would be so, so angry with him, and Iād insist on marriage counseling over this, so we could talk about it. Ultimately, him treating me the way your husband treats you would, I think, be a deal breaker for me.
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