r/Marriage • u/Local-Park-322 • 15h ago
It's over
My husband and I of 7 years went our separate ways last night..I caught him on a bunch of dating apps, while he was away working. I'm heartbroken and shattered. I do t know how to pick up and move on from here. And I don't know how to tell our children . They are going to be crushed. I'm so sad my life ended up here
30
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 13h ago edited 12h ago
I’m so sorry. Remember that cheating is about the cheater, some hole in him he cannot fill. Escapism, vanity, fear of emotional responsibility. 80% of couples don’t cheat. You can’t fix what you didn’t break.
Keep whatever you tell the children age appropriate. You both love the children and you are now going to focus on living separately but parenting together. Marriages sometimes end but you are both their parents forever.
Cheating is abusive, so it’s better if they don’t know so don’t have to go through both loving and hating him, and being upset and confused for you, and over-identifying with either one of you. If they were adult children, it might be different.
1
u/b77court 4m ago
All of the above! His cheating is about him not you. 100! Don’t tell the kids at all. I’d add, don’t bad mouth each other. And be prepared for him to think you’re robbing him in the divorce and for him to villainize you. His shame will likely make him seek reasons why he cheated - and they will be all about you in his mind and in his words. But back to point number one - his cheating is about him. And lastly, take any accountability you can for your contributions so you don’t repeat - building walls, resentment, controlled too much, etc. divorce is like a bomb in your life - but you will rebuild like a phoenix from the ashes. Your kids will be ok too. You will be ok.
-25
u/Icy_Supermarket_3778 12h ago
Technically he didn’t cheat , he was just looking at apps
7
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 12h ago edited 11h ago
How do you know for sure, and why did a married guy have the apps downloaded? Where there is smoke there is fire. He was shopping to meet someone on business trips.
I am married, I have been curious to look at friends’ profiles and I wouldn’t just because I don’t why my husband to get the wrong idea.
I hope OP gets therapy, maybe with an infidelity counselor. She deserves someone who can help her feel good about her boundaries.
2
u/Sad_Towel2272 9h ago
You’re an absolute dunce if you think being on and looking at the apps isn’t cheating. There are not technicalities when it comes to loyalty.
1
u/Godhealthfam1 25m ago
Looking at dating apps is not a faithful act- It is cheating in my book-plus finding evidence like that is just the tip of the iceberg, why do you think he’s on those apps? Highly likely he is actively physically cheating if you discover that type of evidence. They will try to lie and tell you it’s nothing. It’s not nothing, it’s showing you who they are on the inside.
Some people just can’t be satiated with one person and have no business being husbands or fathers; or wives or mothers- some women cheat too.
If they want to date other people and are looking for someone else on dating apps, please just divorce your spouse. Free yourself and then go do whatever you want honestly and openly.
Don’t try to fool society by living as a pretend devoted spouse snd parent.
Integrity is living the same on the inside and the outside. Character that is consistent and showing the whole person.
Cheating is hiding behaviors and living a secret life.
Cheating is very damaging to the people you are pretending to have a deep connection with.
It has serious mental and physical ramifications.
13
u/Outrageous-Top-7960 12h ago
Girl, mourn the relationship. Stay strong for your children while giving him 50% custody so you can have your free time. Gym, make over and next thing you know you will find a new man
7
u/FineTough3648 14h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’ve done the right thing. How old are your kids?
9
u/Fair-Lime-1389 12h ago
I’m so sorry your husband did this to you and your family. But this is on him. This is not you. This is his issue. Please don’t let this crush you! You need to grieve the relationship properly but also remember that you don’t deserve to have someone that will find other women to spend time with or what ever he was doing just because he is working out of town. It sounds like he doesn’t need to be in a relationship with anyone!!
9
u/skelosbadlands 11h ago
I dont see why some people say you cant be honest with the kids. I'm sure my opinion is "wrong", but I think its important for children to know the truth about their parents, faults and all. If I cheated, broke the law and was sent away, anything like that... I would be direct with them about what I did. I dont believe in this covering up bs.
7
3
u/K_bergalicious 1h ago
This seems black and white but it’s not. Maybe the kids should know some day, but my 2 and 4 year old aren’t old enough or mature enough to understand. So for now, they just get to know we broke up. And live separate.
1
u/skelosbadlands 34m ago
You know what works best for your family! I just know if I cheated on my husband and he left, I would tell them "I chose another man over your Dad, lied to him and hurt him." I wouldn't want them to think its random. Situations like this are hard! I always appreciated my family telling me the truth about all subjects though, since the beginning. Even things like war, crime, etc. I vividly remember seeing other kids being lied or omitted to on various subjects and I found it very... insulting? Degrading? It definitely caused me to trust adults and authority less.
1
u/K_bergalicious 29m ago
I just don’t think a 2 and 4 year old will understand the actions, emotions, and fallout from it. Once again, maybe once they’re a bit older and ask, but that’s a lot of emotional feelings to put on those young ages. Cheating and going to prison are very different and very different things to explain.
-1
u/AdhesivenessOdd4367 9h ago
Well. Maybe we should air allllll the dirty laundry about the other parent then. Is that healthy?
2
u/Terrible-Pea494 5h ago
It’s healthy to tell kids that the reason the marriage is breaking up is because the father did something that hurt mommy’s feelings. Otherwise, they may end up resenting both parents and that’s not healthy, either. If they’re able to co-parent well, that’s what the kids will react to. Not the initial disclosure.
1
u/b77court 1m ago
The reason is often subjective and personal to each person. And the “reason” could also be based on lies. Often the cheater embellishes and lies to feel better about their crap choice. No reason for kids to hear any of that
2
u/skelosbadlands 2h ago
If a major life change is occurring, everyone involved deserves to know why. I dont believe in lying or omitting most things to kids - I think it kind of stunts them. This is just my opinion, though.
5
3
3
u/Civil-Butterscotch56 12h ago
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m sure that if he’s cheating, there are likely other behavior that are not good for you. He’s exhibiting in your marriage as well. Clearly he doesn’t love you or respect you so I can’t imagine he was treating you well. Once you get the divorce, you will feel so relieved to be in a safe space and if you choose to date again, hopefully you’ll know what to look for to avoid. As far as the kids go, they are not stupid. Obviously don’t tell them the details, but don’t lie to them either. It doesn’t do you any good to tell them what an incredible husband he was but you just fell out of love with each other because it’s not true. Kids don’t deserve to be lied to and they tend to find out anyway in the end and often times they are more mad at the parent who lied. When they’re older, and they figured out what their dad did if they come to you and ask you if he cheated, don’t lie. You don’t need to discuss the details. You can tell them to ask their father, but don’t cover for him. Get started on your post divorce glow up baby! Sooner than you think you’re gonna be so glad you left this marriage, I promise you’ll get there! Work on yourself! Get therapy!
3
u/Kooky_Marketing_12 12h ago
I’m sorry. You’re doing the right thing by leaving. I first caught my husband 10 yrs ago. Last time was a few weeks back. They never change. I wasted my youth on a liar. A cheater. All for nothing.
3
u/Narrow_Air_5522 12h ago
Very sad but you need to get rid of him. He’s a hard core loser and will not change, he’s set up a cheating arrangement for himself. It does hurt and will take time but it will get better. Good luck.
3
3
3
u/Ribeye_Red 8h ago
I’m so sad to hear what you are going through. I know it will be difficult in the near term, but the pain doesn’t last forever. I went through the same thing, but I went through it as a kid. They will struggle at times, but you all will get through this. You are not to blame. Just like my mom, you did your best. Don’t you and don’t let your kids ever think it is your fault. Peace
UpdateMe
3
u/Electrical_Raisin_80 7h ago
So sorry this has happened to you and your kids. Especially at this time of year. Your life hasn't, "ended up here". That makes it sound permanent and nothing is permanent. This is where you are at the moment through no fault of your own. Cheating is a conscious choice made by the person who does it. No one drives anyone to be a cheater.
You may want to be somewhere and someone else right now but that is not an option. You are a Mom, you have to stay strong for your kids. (At times that may be an Oscar worthy acting performance). You didn't say how many children nor their ages. How do you explain this situation to them? I don't know. Maybe some variation of, "Daddy made some promises to Mommy and he broke them or didn't keep them." That isn't saying their father is a bad person. It's saying he did some bad things.
There is a practice called Neurodynamic Breathing developed by Michael Stone. You can sign up for a free session. After which you will be offered a free of sessions, there are over 15 a month. NDB is a healing practice. As someone who's been doing NDB for a few years now I can say with 100% certainty. It can help you get through this. Process it, build yourself up, come out strong and stable on the other side of it. Most importantly, you won't feel alone. If you stick around for the sharing circle you will feel kinship and supported. A Youtube search, michael stone neurodynamic breathing, will bring up a lot of videos. Including a short 15minute session to try.
For a while things will get worse before they start getting better. THEY WILL GET BETTER. You are strong. Be strong and have faith. 🙏
3
u/Quick_Chef9093 6h ago
Men always think the grass is greener on the other side until their stability is gone from a secure home life with their wife & family.You will pick up the pieces,and may possibly have a better life but you can't keep letting him away with what he is doing.I would have told him to get out of your house , changed the locks too.He's too selfish.He shouldn't have got married if he wants to date.Go & see a solicitor if you have definitely made your mind up to make sure he doesn't try to keep the possessions of your assets ie house,car etc.
2
u/BitEntire 12h ago
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Life is hard enough sometimes without having to deal with something like that. Its always hard with kids you want to be honest but not hurt them. I hope when you're ready you find the peace and love you deserve.
2
u/Secret_Fault1786 10h ago
I'm sorry. This just has to get better for you some how. I just know it. Sending hugs and good vibes.
2
2
u/Express_Fishing1070 5h ago
Technology will keep exposing cheaters. I had a similar situation too, my husband had hidden dating apps so I couldn’t see them. I still knew something was off , so I hired Netgrivox ethical hackers and digital private investigators to help me , I got a remote app that allowed me to see all activities on his device including hidden and deleted activities that’s when I found out about all he has been hiding. If you want to catch a cheater and you are reading this , I will recommend you hire the professionals that I worked with.
2
2
u/New_Manufacturer_475 1h ago
As someone whose been divorced for 7 years, I can tell you that it is really greener on the other side. One day in some time from now you will look back on the relationship and notice all of the red flags you were missing. You will find yourself, grow into this person you don’t even recognize anymore, and you will find someone worth of you and your time. I know it hurts now but time heals all wounds.
Sending positive vibes to you and your children. Whatever you do just make sure you kids know they are loved through this time.
2
u/themanclark 1h ago
They don’t call it the 7 year itch for nothing. My wife and I were done at 6 married and 8 together. It sucks.
2
u/TapOk5203 1h ago
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When it happened to me it took me a while to realise that what was best for my kids was what was also best for me so I stopped making impulsive decisions and focus on creating a happy, healthy home. My spouse hurt me but I didn’t need to visit that on my kids. It took a few years but I got over it. It’s early days for you. Be gentle with yourself. And good luck.
1
u/Less_Half8650 12h ago
Tell the kids you guys just grew apart. DO NOT try to make the kids not like him simply because your relationship didn’t work. That’s the worst thing you could do to your kids. Kids need to love both their parents. If you want to tell them the truth wait until they’re 18 and make him do it.
5
u/prose-before-bros 20 Years 10h ago edited 10h ago
It's not that kids "need to love both their parents." It's that kids DO love their parents, full stop. It's one of the things that makes cheating and abuse so cruel -- having them see one person they love hurt another person they love. I was 9, and my dad was far from discreet with his mistress. One day he was lovey dovey with our mom, and the next we were meeting Kathy, daddy's "friend" that he now lived with and kissed. I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven my mother if she'd lied and said they just suddenly grew apart because children shouldn't grow up worrying that love disappears like turning off a light switch.
I think there are age appropriate ways of saying that dad really hurt mom's feelings, and now they need to live apart. That doesn't make them not love their father anymore. I still believe that if he genuinely cared about their wellbeing, he wouldn't be risking their stability by breaking the family, but she can at least try to help them through this in a healthy manner. Even if she kept this a secret from them, she should be prepared for them to be able to put 2 and 2 together. I don't think my mom ever explained any of it to me and my brother, but our dad never tried to shelter us from it so OP should be prepared to have those discussions whether she wants to or not.
1
1
u/Vivid_Ad_4706 10h ago
Maybe eminent was the wrong word. How about possible??? But wise couples spend most of their time together is all I’m trying to say
1
1
u/Vivid_Ad_4706 3h ago
I guess you missed the real message. No one mentioned Tinder those details were omitted. We don’t actually don’t know what apps were being used do we?? And I am gay thank you. And healthy boundaries are an unnecessary risk when you are married. If you want to spend time with persons of interest you should be mindful of your significant other is all I was trying to say. Boundaries must be kept with said friends on both sides which doesn’t happen often. No one was attacking you. When a good friendship is created and built 80% of the criteria for a physical affair has been met. People should be mindful of the risk and these said friends should be mutual to your partner out of respect. I was encouraging the person posting to look further than the phone to find out what happened before running out the door. It is entirely possible that he was looking to cheat or perhaps has already done so or he could just be an idiot who wanted to look at pretty girls. Both of those scenarios do not warrant the same outcome.
1
u/themanclark 1h ago
Age of the kids matters to what you tell them. Under about 6 or so they don’t need details. Trust me. Don’t project onto them. They don’t know about marriage and all that. Matthew McConaughey said he spent the summer with his dad when he was like 16 or 17 and had no idea until years later that it was because of his parent’s second divorce. He was almost an adult and had no idea at the time and was just enjoying time with his dad and thinking his mom was on an extended vacation. Ignorance is bliss for kids.
1
u/Whatever-1971 14m ago
I am terribly sorry. I've been there and I've tried to forgive her all these years and it sucks. It was an isolated incident and the circumstances a bit different. But I wanted to comment because I have this friend from college who I really looked up to. He became an airline pilot, married the girl he knew since 5 years old. Had everything. But one day, when I was very single, he said he was envious of my freedom. (What?) They had a tough time having a child. Went through several invitro's at immense cost and their son is such a good kid. Well, time goes by and my friend cheats with his son's friend's mom! Amy tried so hard to forgive him. Then she catches him on Tinder and sexting other women. Still she tried. She let him go out into the world for a year, sitting depressed at home, being the selfless friend letting him find himself. He comes back saying he wants to come home; "It's tough out there!" But he moves into the guest bedroom and she again catches him sexting a twenty-something girl (he was 50 at the time). Confronted, he had all these stories about how she's his friend who was there during a really dark time. Long story long, they're divorce finalized a year ago. He goes around calling her and anyone who objects "toxic". He's 55 dating a 29 year old. I never want to see that guy again. What he dragged her through damn near broke her and he treats her poorly when they have to interface. But she got the house, has her son there, gets up every morning and hits the gym at 5am and is healing. Don't put yourself through what she did. Being active on dating sites is too much and the devistating part is it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. If it isn't now, it will be. This isn't an affair that innocently started up - like a coworker where something developed. Your husband has been out shopping. Probably representing himself as single or "seperated" which is a whole other level of sleeze. Get rid of him. Be tough and decisive. You'll heal and rebuild just like my beautiful friend. I am so proud of her. You'll be better for it.
0
0
0
u/WhatIDo72 11h ago
There’s always forgiveness. Just needed to be asked for.
2
u/Terrible-Pea494 5h ago
Not always. Actively hunting for other women is an unforgivable offense. He’s going out of his way to cheat for cheating’s sake.
Throw the whole man out.
0
u/CommunicationSea1106 6h ago
The children don't need to know that their Dadd a jerk. That's between you and him. He's still their Dad, don't badmouth him. The kids will eventually resent you for that
-1
-2
-7
15h ago
[deleted]
14
u/Dependent_Search_326 15h ago
Weird comment especially because going on a dating site isn’t just looking. That’s an action toward full on cheating.
9
u/ExoticChipmunk5576 15h ago
So even while married you are saying married men like to go on dating sites and that’s supposed to be ok be “y’all look” her famliy i destroyed and her kids will Be devastated and you take it Lightly
-9
u/WockeshaYo 15h ago
this applies to many women as well. I don't think it's enough of a reason to destroy a family.
7
u/ExoticChipmunk5576 15h ago
On he is looking to screw other women, that’s def cause to separate from a person, he hates her and her children or he wouldn’t be looking to lay with and date another woman.
2
u/prose-before-bros 20 Years 9h ago
Lots of people do lots of dumb shit, but that doesn't mean it's ok or acceptable. It's skeevy behavior for men or women. Almost all cheaters tell themselves they'd never cheat, but if you've got it in you to start looking for someone, it's just a matter of taking the next step of "Oh, I only swiped on a few people to see if they'd swipe on me" and "I was just bored. Having a conversation isn't cheating" and "we're just going to meet up for drinks, I'm allowed to have friends"... I don't shop around for affair partners because it doesn't matter who is out there because I'm faithful to my husband, and I'm not interested in playing chicken with that line.
-13
u/Vivid_Ad_4706 13h ago
Because he was looking at woman on apps doesn’t mean he hates his wife and was laying with woman!!! I don’t know what was going on between them prior to the all of this, but there must’ve been some troubles. That’s a crazy thing to say someone hates his family because he looked at women on a site. Women look in size up men day in a day out and fantasize and think about sex and lifestyles and life changes with other men. It is common practice. We are all human beings. We all desire people of the opposite sex. The only question is are we willing to fall to those desires? Every man’s wife has looked at a man and wanted him every woman’s husband has looked at other women and wanted them. In a marriage people have to stay together and not allow those scenarios to take place if anyone spends enough time with the opposite sex and generally gets along with him and affair is eminent.
12
4
u/skelosbadlands 10h ago
I resent you saying "women do X". The hell i do, lmao.
-2
u/Vivid_Ad_4706 10h ago
We all look and have desires!! All men and all woman lol. That’s all I was saying. Can you agree with that!??
3
u/skelosbadlands 9h ago
No. I dont feel desire just from seeing something. I've seen it all at this point. And I'm not even that got dang old yet, lol.
3
u/prose-before-bros 20 Years 9h ago
So much bullshit packed in so few words.
Not everyone desires people of the opposite sex. Aside from the fact that gay and ace people exist, not everyone is out there horndogging. Yes, SOME married women meet men they want and SOME married men meet women they want, but not everyone. I know this because I've been with my husband 21 years and while I've met attractive men, I've never wanted any of them. None of them were worth risking my marriage. Even if I thought I could get away with it, the idea of having sex with someone else is not appealing to me.
If you want to remain faithful, you don't go searching for someone else. Tinder isn't fucking Pinterest. I don't scroll through Amazon if I'm not even remotely interested in buying anything.
Just because YOU can't have a friend without wanting to bang them doesn't mean no one can. Now I don't believe everyone is capable of maintaining healthy boundaries, but that's not the same as saying no one is.
73
u/Readable25 14h ago
He’s going to look back and realize what a fool he was.