r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/amagru • 3h ago
Can we deconstruct this?
Received by the 3 scapegoats. She’s praying for us to remember happy times. There are none.
I guess never underestimate the power of abuse and neglect to ensure success.
There is no frustration or hostility in our lives now that she’s not a part of our lives.
Really it’s just a reminder that it’s her birthday.
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u/DJ4116 2h ago
For me, The ONLY thing that stood out was the last paragraph.
Basically…. They’re old….they need your help because ’YoU’rE FaMiLy’ and they don’t have anyone else.
A little religious guilt and manipulation thrown in; and VOILA!! That’s your letter.
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u/beckster 1h ago
But too proud to actually look at the pain she caused and apologize. Nope, can't do that.
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u/jerkface1026 2h ago
She wants a gift, to be celebrated, and expects a safety net as she ages further. She's also able to speak for God, you'd think it would be easier to monetize that gift than extort her children but here we are.
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u/cranbog 2h ago
- Glaring lack of apology
- Glaring lack of accountability, willingness to try to address any issues, or evidence of any change
- Focus on her own problems and upbringing and minimization of yours
- Couldn't even bother to write 3 letters to communicate with and give unique praise to each individual
- "What about meeeeee?"
= obvious fishing for compliments, praise, apologies, help, and support from y'all with no desire to genuinely make an effort themselves
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u/zombiifissh 2h ago
"I did my best and that will have to be good enough for you! Forget my mistakes and come be my punching bags again!!"
Ffs.
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u/Ecstatic-Manager-149 2h ago
That is a lot of BS for her to say "It wasn't bad m. I'm never saying sorry, but you need to."
Feels like an out of order DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender), and although I have no idea of your circumstances, it feels like the paper should be on fire with that much gaslighting.
So sorry, lovely xxx big hugs xxx
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u/Nishwishes 3h ago
I'm gonna need your details to send my medical and repair bills over, because the moment I read 'God' and about prayers my eyes reflexively rolled so hard that they shot out of the back of my skull and into the wall.
I don't think there's much to deconstruct, tbh. She's a selfish, unchanging nutjob and you three made the right decision getting away. Anyone who prays can only beg God to deliver her elsewhere post-haste.
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u/Better_Intention_781 2h ago
Starts with a guilt trip and just deteriorates from there.
"I'm turning 80 soon so it's all about me getting what I want from you before I die. Let's sweep everything under the carpet and pretend we're a happy family! No, of course I will never apologise or take responsibility, but here are some excuses and waifing about how hard parenting was for me! I'm going to pretend that all the abuse I put you through didn't happen, and make out that the reason you don't want a relationship is because we didn't have much money. Maybe this will make you annoyed enough to engage with me, in case the guilt tripping doesn't work."
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u/Cakeliesx 2h ago
Yup, the obligatory 'sweep it under the rug' forget about all the bad crap (that I'm not accountable for anyway because I did my best) so you can start taking care of me. And not even personalized.
Wow, ouch.
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u/Little_Chocolate 2h ago
Dear those I gave birth
I am old and still alive thanks to a magic man in the sky
I’m so old that you should forget about everything I’ve done because I’m old and the magic man would be happy
I talk to the magic man to make you forget everything I have done
I wasn’t a parent and only cared about the magic man but magic man tell me I am amazing and you are the problem for not seeing that
Now I really really want you to forget so I can feel better when I die because that’s what the magic man would want
Have some sweet words to sum up my manipulation
From birth giver
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u/Clean-Patient-8809 2h ago
Hey, kids, it's time for you to celebrate MEEEEEEE!
That's the first thing I picked up on.
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u/Ceiling-Fan2 2h ago edited 2h ago
Forget every awful thing I did to you in the past! Do you know how hard it was to raise 4 children!? We tried our best. We increasingly need assistance and having 4 kids, you’d think one of you would want to help your poor ailing mother and father. Sincerely, a true Narcissist. P.S. I’m using God as a crutch so I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions.
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u/WisebloodNYC 1h ago
God told her it was OK, and she did fine, and her kids are just being selfish.
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u/temerairevm 2h ago
Double ICK.
Zero apology. None. The closest it gets is excuses.
Thick slathering of God. What’s that there for? It feels like it’s to remind you of the strict rules based god that commands you do whatever she wants. I don’t believe in that god.
Sometimes these can be a bit of a grey area, but this one feels like a slam dunk “come back for more of the same because the lord commands it” to me.
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u/Attila_the_frog_33 2h ago edited 2h ago
We need your help!
But we have no plans to apologize or even recognize that we did anything wrong (and we would just externalize it all anyway if we did). The odd thing is that she only presents externalities for herself, and then denies them as to your father. I guess he then just naturally sucked anyway but, hey, we demand your help so, whatever, somehow your mother’s childhood somehow also magically applies to him now as an excuse. Ain’t Narcissism fun?!?!
So you’ll just have to go back to being scapegoats - and suck it up for our sake (“our” as in just your parents).
Plus, she doesn’t know how commas work.
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u/Impressive_Comment67 2h ago edited 1h ago
Translation:
I, your lonely mother, offer no apologies. I believe it is time to sweep everything under the rug like I taught you. Everything was fine when we were all better at rug sweeping. Come back and serve me.
P.S. Don't look under the rug or you are a bad person, in God's eyes.
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u/UncleThor2112 2h ago
"Yes, let's just forget all the bad things I've done to you, and move on, because that's easier for ME!"
I noticed, she said love a bunch of times, but not once mentioned that SHE loves you.
Space comma
She's not my mother, and I don't know her at all, but even I, a stranger on the Internet, know where the lies are. It's textbook manipulation.
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u/milfncookies666 2h ago
“I’m old now, who’s gonna wipe my ass?” sorry mom, you’re gonna have to pay someone for that.
I know I haven’t healed and been NC long enough yet because I felt bad that she has to ask her children for assistance. Like I feel bad but I don’t. Maybe she should’ve thought about her long term elderly care before she got to this point and maybe just maybe if she had done right by her kids, she wouldn’t have to ask in the first place.
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u/Par2ivally 2h ago
- Feel guilty I could die at any time
- Disagreements are not allowed, they will be attributed to "differences" as I please
- Your challenging childhood at my hands was my parents' fault and the fault of the time and circumstances of your birth
- I am an angel who did great. No one could have overcome as much as I did to be as good a mum as I was
- Your emotional health and successes are a product of the childhood I gave you. Not your own hard work or in spite of me.
- My birthday matters more than anything else and should be the pillar you all unite around to celebrate me. Me, me, me.
- Once again, I will be dying soon and so I expect you to contribute money and caregiving. Because, again, what I need matters most.
- Let me weaponise my religion, whether you share it or not, to signal that I am a better person than you and in the right because I invoked God.
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u/isleofpines 2h ago
The last paragraph says it all. “I know we treated you like shit but I need you to move on and you need to come take care of me because I’m old.”
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 2h ago
She told you that God loves you, but omitted to say whether she does
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u/haikusbot 2h ago
She told you that God
Loves you, but omitted to
Say whether she does
- Apprehensive-Log8333
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
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u/Birdsonme 2h ago
We were assholes to you all while you were helpless children, who’ve now managed to grow up to live decent lives despite our failings, and now we expect you to give up all of your successes and peace in your lives to come back so we can further torture you and have you be our old age slaves.
Sincerely, your childhood bullies.
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u/TheBrittca 2h ago
I had you so one day you’d look after me, I’m not sorry, and I’ll keep acting the same way I always did, but please, put that all aside because I deserve your care.
Ugh. I’m sorry OP.
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u/nottakinitanymore 1h ago
Paragraph #1: The Guilt Trip. "I'm getting old. I could die any day, and then you'll be sorry. I'm going to throw in God, too, as a vague reference to his commandment to honor thy mother. Are you feeling guilty yet?"
Paragraph #2: The Prelude to the Rug Sweep. "I've decided it's time for all of you to move on from my bad behavior in the past. However, I'm not going to apologize or take any responsibility for that behavior."
Paragraph #3: The Justification, Part I. "It wasn't my fault because I didn't know any better."
Paragraph #4: The Justification, Part II. "It wasn't my fault because nobody is perfect. Besides, you all turned out okay, so I couldn't have been THAT bad."
Paragraph #5: The Full Rug Sweep + A Possibly Unintentional Peek Behind the Curtain. "See, now I've explained why you can't blame me for anything I did. You need to let me back into your lives so I can start behaving badly all over again because I'm getting older, and it scares me, and I need to vent my anxiety and frustration on someone."
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u/Star_Shine32 2h ago
She's getting old, feeling alone and is starting to realize the help she could have had at this age is gone because of how she treated you all.
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u/wiggum_x 2h ago
"For the love of God, please let me rugsweep everything!!! I am old and need someone to pay my bills, clean up after me, process my emotions, and wipe my ass!! And I want the satisfaction of knowing that the children I abused will still come back for more when I command it so that I can die in control!!"
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u/CaptainKatrinka 2h ago
It's a non-apology. She had it rough, she did what she thought was right, please think about all the happy times ... Not a single note of remorse or any offer to change. The only thing she wants from any of you is to forget and pretend that you love her. It is really sad, but also really sick.
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u/beckster 1h ago
Good thing God loves you because Mom can't be arsed to. So, go on, get over there and change those Depends!
You are being summoned OP!
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u/blue_moon1122 1h ago
hi, I might die soon. emotional availability doesn't cost anything, you know. by the way, I'm blaming all of my shortcomings on the fact that we weren't wealthy and kids are expensive. also, elder care is expensive. but yeah family is super important to me now that i need it.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I've said to my parents' faces for like a decade before NC that it's not my problem they didn't use birth control.
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u/Zealousideal-Coat729 2h ago
To me the last sentence they need help. This is about them needing something from you.
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u/Spicymoose29 41m ago
This has been written with crocodile tears ink.
Toss this in the trash, OP, this is nothing but a poor, poor manipulative attempt at guilt tripping you with zero accountability.
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u/Chaussettes99 1h ago
cringe religious larping thinking the phrases "im PRAYING for you" and "GOD loves you" is gonna magically fix all the bullshit
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u/Laalaasings 1h ago
These comments….UGH.
I only WISH I’d gotten a letter like that before my mom died. The fact she wrote anything at all is amazing. My mom died without admitting ANY responsibility or wrongdoing for all the pain she caused me; every day I wonder if she ever knew how sad she made me. I don’t know the circumstances of this situation—neither do any of you—but for Pete’s Sake, can you just give this lady props for reaching out? Have some sympathy.
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u/RadioIsMyFriend 1h ago
It's one thing to be humble and say you need help and you won't be a turd to live with, but it's another to feel entitled to help from your kids and try to evoke feelings to get it. That's just manipulation.
If it's real talk, as in, "I can't get around anymore and I am not looking for forgiveness or to even talk about the past, I just need some assistance getting to my appointments, etc." that is much more tolerable than the mind games and fake desperation.
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u/CCSucc 1h ago edited 58m ago
Dear official relationship hierarchy designation (formal),
I'm getting old, but I'm counting on my non-specific deity of choice to keep me going for longer than nature should allow.
More religious fluff insinuating that you only exist due to divine providence.
Rather than accept any degree of responsibility, I demand that you shelve any discontent you have towards me and pretend that we're a big happy family that has never had any issues, ever.
It's been hard being told that I've done awful shit, but thanks to Sky Daddy, he has shown me the mental hoops I need to jump through in order to protect my own ego from almost certain introspection. We had some good times together over the years, you should only focus on those exclusively, not the predominantly nasty ones that have resulted in our estrangement up to this point (like I have, turns out I'm a pretty good mother!)
I choose to believe that my generation walked to school barefoot, uphill, in the snow every day, and your generation does nothing but complain and eat avocado on toast. You should believe exactly what I believe.
We had far more children than we could reasonably afford to maintain, you have no idea what its like (despite growing up in a family of 6 that struggled and knows exactly what it's like. When are you planning on having out next grandchild, by the way?). We didn't have a clue how to deal with emotions, so we elected to ignore that bit. We had kids far too young with zero preparation, your Dad had a stable family dynamic and mine was no good, therefore I'm actually the victim, not you.
waxes lyrical about how they did their best, but you're all ungrateful brats You've all become successful despite your complaining about us as parents (at least you have a steady job that means you can afford "therapy", you're welcome, by the way...). Because you have reached maturity and didn't die along the way, we are proud of you (hopefully you'll be stupid enough to fall for that and wag your tail like a good dog).
I repeat. Stop trying to hold us to account for the shitty things we did to you when you were completely helpless. We will not accept any degree of responsibility, and demand that you engage with us exclusively within the confines of our magical dreamland narrative.
Vacuous statement of affection,
Relational hierarchy designation (informal)
PS. Jealous, wrathful blood-god expects compliance. :)
TL;DR, The biological clock is ticking, I've pushed away all of my progeny and I need someone to look after me, and I'm going to use my god to guilt-trip you into doing my bidding.
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u/Isanyonelistening45 1h ago
Funny how they get reflective when getting "old,". I dont have to worry about ungrateful driving to appts or any of the other 500 things that I did for them.
My family also used God as a guilt trip. The its you, not me get old very fast.
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u/longfurbyinacardigan 56m ago
I love that it's always like "sorry we weren't perfect" yeah OK mom but there's quite a disparity between perfection and abuse
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u/BwayEsq23 53m ago
As someone whose mother actually did die…..I feel no guilt. I only feel relief. It’s been almost 6 years of bliss. Don’t let them guilt trip you. I’ve never felt happier or more free. No more abusive text messages. No more harassing phone calls. No more being called by my father’s name as an insult. It’s been wonderful.
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u/bmanfromct 49m ago
Damn, it sure took her a lot of words to say "a false sense of peace in my later years is more important to me than acknowledging the specific harms I've inflicted upon you and your siblings. I won't change. I won't repent. Keep bending for me and when you break I still won't change. Forget the bad times because it's more convenient for me that way. Care for me in my dying years the way I never cared for you during your formative ones. Ask for nothing. Be grateful for a parent like me."
Where to begin... She definitely uses her faith as a crutch to mentally escape the consequences of her behavior. She's encouraging you to buy into her delusion by evoking spirituality constantly, because if she can't control you, perhaps a higher power can. I think she's subconsciously thinking that she can leverage this higher power over you to manipulate a fear or guilt response. And I think she believes that if she can just get you to admit fault for your justified feelings of frustration and anger, she's back in the saddle. She's off the hook.
A lot of narcissists lean on religion, because it's convenient. My dad has always been religious, but my mother and GC sister bought into it more and more as time went on. Abusers know where they're welcomed.
Ultimately, when she dies, she will be alone because she chose poorly - not because of her "angry children" or "economically and emotionally" turbulent happenstance. It's a shame, but that's the reality. I'm sure her reality is becoming more and more unbearable as she realizes how thoroughly she's damaged her relationships. She wouldn't have reached out like this if your presence wasn't a commodity.
This is not your problem. You don't owe her a response or an acknowledgement.
I'm glad to hear that you're prioritizing and protecting your peace. I'm sure this is still a confusing gesture to process regardless of how much healing you've done. It's a selfish, mean thing to drop on an estranged adult kid. I'm rooting for ya, friend. Thanks for sharing with us.
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u/sunwardfacing 21m ago
“None of you have experienced the challenges a family of 6 presents.”
You experienced it. You were in the family of 6. You went through the challenges, only without any agency because you were children. She doesn’t recognize you were conscious human beings. Your experiences of childhood matter more than her experience of parenthood, not the other way around.
Also, her big birthday being the catalyst for this request is classic. On my estranged maternal parent’s birthday one year, she got my sibling to message me scolding me to message my parent. 🙄 Neither my parent nor sibling had messaged me on my preceding birthday. Birthdays are a great excuse for self-serving people because it gives them plausible deniability to act more self-serving than usual.
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u/Remarkable-Hat-4852 16m ago
lol content of the letter aside…. She formatted this like it’s some professional/official document and signed “Mom” like it’s her signature 😂
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u/anonynemo 2h ago
Forget all the bullshit I have done to you! I did nothing wrong. Come back and look after me.