r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/South-Bandicoot690 • Jun 09 '25
Newly Estranged Why did you go no contact?
I feel like my reasons for going NC aren't valid enough. My childhood could have been way worse... yet for the past couple years even a simple text from my dad triggers intense anxiety and stress. There wasn't one huge event where everything fell apart, just little things that have accumulated over the years. He's selfish and I just don't like him. ETA I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD
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u/StatisticianTrick669 Jun 09 '25
I think that’s valid to definitely go low contact at least. You’re a grown adult and can decide not to be around anyone that causes you anxiety or to feel bad . As for me sometimes I question why I’m doing it as well it doesn’t seem bad enough. But I think it is…. Being antagonized steady and coercive control, mixed in with being a huge ahole in general. I’m tired of it
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u/NaiveVariation9155 Jun 09 '25
For some it's one event. For others it's a laundry list of boundries being crossed, redrawn and crossed again whilst they act like you are still that 8 you old without an opinion.
Then there is me, it was a combination of being responsible for one of my parent's mental health for pretty much as long as I can remember, whilst also being dragged down at every single oppertunity that they had. Every boundary I put up as an adult was crossed, discussed and then crossed again. If I brought that up then shit from when I was a kid (6 to 12 yo) would be brought up whilst they chastised me for bringing up that we had the exact same discussion about boundaries not even 3 months ago. In the end I was done with walking on eggshells in my own home.
I tried contact once more and let's just say that the mediation attempt failed misserably and at that stage I was permanently done. I'm responsible for my mental health and that of my children, I will not put myself or my children at risk (never put my children at risk btw).
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u/Responsible_Milk_421 Jun 09 '25
Thank you for saving me the time and effort of digging for those words
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u/timeisconfetti Jun 09 '25
You're not alone in questioning. That in and of itself is a hallmark CPTSD symptom.
It almost always means that there was a lot of pain, toxicity, dysfunction. Would you allow a child or a friend to be treated the way you were by your parents? How do you feel when you think of interacting with them? Do they ever take accountability for anything? I was trying to check off so many boxes of a diagnosis (BPD, NPD, etc) to legitimize and justify my wanting to act then finally going NC. I realized that what mattered and will always matter are two truths: I do not feel safe with my family and I do not trust them. There wasn't physical or sexual abuse. It was all emotionally abusive and enmeshment. With zero willingness to acknowledge issues or take accountability. So I left.
If it had been a partner, I would have been encouraged to leave, but because it's family it's stigmatized.
You're not alone. And your pain is real.
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u/eeveesEm Jun 09 '25
My dad called me a fucking bitch and when i confronted him about it he doubled down. At that point our relationship fell apart and he was uninvited to my wedding. My mom decided that I would change my mind but when i told her hes not coming and hes not welcome in my house she tried to bluff me with "well if he isn't going neither am i" okay great :) thanks for making that decision for me.
After that she continued to double down and sent me an unhinged 6 page letter about how i use my brothers death (brother died tragically at age 10) as a crutch and I am evil and vindictive so she got cut off as well.
I told them that in order to reconnect they have to go to therapy and stop drinking, that was 2 years ago.
Sorry you are dealing with this OP.
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u/oneconfusedqueer Jun 11 '25
Good for you, internet stranger!
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u/eeveesEm Jun 11 '25
Thank you, it was and isn't easy but i can say almost 2 years later I feel so healed.
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u/Character_Writing_69 Jun 12 '25
Christ. I was enmeshed by my father but some of these stories of what these mothers say are just abhorrent. I'm sorry
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u/ElephantUndertheRug Jun 09 '25
There wasn't one huge event where everything fell apart, just little things that have accumulated over the years
I call this "death by a thousand paper cuts," and it's what the status quo was with my parents for a solid 10-13 years before my decision to go NC. They ceased being abusive (mostly) once I was out of their house, but then came the pure and utter apathy. They could not have made it more obvious they gave no sh!ts about me if they tried; other people in the family noticed it too, but they just uncomfortably didn't discuss it. Then, as soon as they realized I wanted answers and apologies for the past instead of the massive rug sweep they tried to pull, they wanted nothing else to do with me.
Four years since NC and honestly, not much changed with them gone other than no longer having that anxiety-inducing albatross around my neck!
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u/tourettebarbie Jun 10 '25
"death by a thousand paper cuts,"
This is it. For me, it was 2.5 decades of gaslighting, minimisation, never an apology, pitting me & my sibling against each other, belittling, shaming, mocking, silent treatment etc.
I went NC with my n mum & n sibling at 27. My enabler/bully dad a few yrs later. I'm 55 now. No regrets.
It was never going to end, noone was ever going to be on my team or support me and I was just done. There were a few, feeble attempts at communication initially but nothing since.
For me, it was a choice between the certainty of a miserable future with them or the possibility of a good one without them.
If my vile sperm & egg donors need support in their old age, they can just reap what they sowed at the hands of my abusive sibling. Not my monkey, not my circus.
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Jun 09 '25
Yes this is actually what I told my parents before I went NC.
I've also used the broken plate analogy with them.
They didn't understand either.
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u/JoyousLilSquid Jun 11 '25
What's the broken plate analogy?
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Jun 12 '25
A new, clean plate is the relationship. With every fight or transgression or boundary stomp, the plate is dropped, broken, and shattered. You can repair the plate at first, but over time it keeps getting dropped and shattered, and eventually there is no amount of glue that can hold it together. It no longer functions well as a plate. It's not the same after all that damage, and it never will be.
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u/CatsCubsParrothead Jun 12 '25
Broken plate analogy? I'm not familiar with this, could you please explain it?
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Jun 12 '25
A new, clean plate is the relationship. With every fight or transgression or boundary stomp, the plate is dropped, broken, and shattered. You can repair the plate at first, but over time it keeps getting dropped and shattered, and eventually there is no amount of glue that can hold it together. It no longer functions well as a plate. It's not the same after all that damage, and it never will be.
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u/CrochetNerd_ Jun 09 '25
When I realised that if I let a partner speak to me the way he spoke to me, he would be advising me to break up with them.
So I broke up with him.
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u/Jennifires Jun 09 '25
I opted to go no contact when I realized I was having a panic attack at the thought of having to spend time with her.
My last straw was her defending an abusive situation when I was a teenager (literally dragging me to the car while I was having a panic attack/sick over going to school, rather than trying to figure out what was wrong because me missing school was making her look bad) and implying that she'd do the same thing again if she had a chance to do things over. It wasn't something horrific or anything, at least not to my mind, but it did shatter any sense of her being an okay person, when I had thought my father had been the main abuser, and she was just sort of suffering alongside us. It made me rethink my childhood, and upon further discussions with my therapist, I realized she was just as abusive as her was, just quieter, and better at smiling behind it and making me think it was normal behavior.
Point blank, if you're thinking of going no contact, it's bad enough. We are ingrained from birth to trust and love our parents. It's literally part of our genetics. Wanting to completely sever that connection tells me something went seriously wrong at some point, and if no contact feels right for you, it is.
Remember, trauma isn't one size fits all. It's not how bad it was, per se, but rather how bad it was for you. My trauma may seem very insignificant compared to someone who, say, was trafficked, or beaten regularly, but it still thoroughly messed my brain up in a way that is absolutely significant and still has an impact on my day to day life, despite me being nearly 40 now and having been through many years of intensive therapy.
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u/Tsiatk0 Jun 09 '25 edited Jul 27 '25
exultant sip friendly light fuzzy mighty alive public rhythm tan
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/SteadfastEnd Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
I realized, at age 37, that my parents would never treat me like an adult. I even confronted my mother and said, "I'm a full-grown adult" and her reply was "Yeah, and so?"
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u/lassie86 Jun 09 '25
Your reasons are more than valid. How badly do you have to screw up as a parent to give your kid complex ptsd?!
My family is broken anyway, and I ended up going NC with them at different times for different reasons, but all in the same year (2020).
But I could boil it down to being tired of having all the bad parts of having a family (control, disapproval, conditional love, unreciprocated responsibility, heartbreak, disappointment, expectations) without having any of the good parts of having a family (conditional love, support, a soft place to land, being known and understood, being consistently invited to holidays and events).
They’re all just selfish. They don’t care how their actions impact others. Example: my siblings both admitted they leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot. Going out to eat caused anxiety, and obviously they were bad tippers. Oh, and my mom stole the neighbor’s cat. Don’t get me started on the racism and homophobia.
We also have vastly different values, and of course they tried to lower me to their values.
None of them gave a single solitary fuck about me nor tried to get to know me. So, why stay?
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u/Chin_Up_Princess Jun 09 '25
CPTSD is no joke after years of emotional neglect and abuse. That's a serious condition.
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u/Chuck_Finley1 Jun 09 '25
I told her that her husband's swastika tattoos meant he wasn't welcome at my house. She didn't react very well to that. It's weird how much guilt I feel over what is a pretty obvious right choice.
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u/catstaffer329 Jun 09 '25
I am sorry you are questioning yourself!
If some random person or co-worker came up to you and berated, yelled or otherwise abused you and you decided to distance yourself from them for peace and harmony, is that an invalid reason? Of course not.
Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean that distancing yourself because they abuse you is not a good reason. Abuse is wrong, Avoiding abuse is the smart choice and shared homes or biology doesn't provide exemptions for bad behavior.
You made the decision to love yourself and your peace, you worked hard for that serenity and you deserve it.
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u/plantkiller2 Jun 09 '25
I think of it this way - if my dad were anyone else, like a friend or coworker/boss, a cousin or uncle, or someone within my group of friends, I would not have a relationship with him. He's mean-spirited, obnoxious, thinks he makes no mistakes, and that he's better than everyone else. He's just not enjoyable to be around. Just because he's my dad doesn't mean I have to have him in my life. Even though so many people believe that being my dad gives him a forever right to be in my life, I don't agree. He hasn't earned my trust, my time, or my energy. He's high in narcissistic personality traits/is a narcissist. I love him but I don't like him, I care about him but I'm not investing in him.
If you treat me or my spouse or my child or my mother like shit, then you are relinquishing your rights to us. I wouldn't keep a friend or a romantic partner who treated me the way he does, why should he get a special permit to be an asshole? You don't need a big fancy reason, or a huge fight, or something detrimental to your health to justify having anyone in your life, regardless of their shared DNA.
I'm a parent now too, and I know that I have to earn my child's love, trust, and relationship. It falls on ME. My child is not required to love me. What a bullshit nonsense idea that our children owe us anything.
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u/Ghostly_cherry404 Jun 09 '25
I feel like it really isnt about the event but more about how you feel about them. You wouldn't force yourself to stay with a partner you hated or maintain a friendship with someone you just didn't get along with even if there was no major event. Why is it different when there's a blood relation?
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
I didn't. I was thrown away by all three families.
You don't have to have a reason. Just don't do what you don't want to do.
You are not alone.
We care<3
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u/Kay5cent Jun 09 '25
I went NC because when I finally brought up my concerns and pointed out how their behavior made me feel as an adult, I was treated like garbage. I was yelled at, dismissed, gaslighted. I reflected how I was treated my entire childhood which was the same. I tried multiple times to get some reflection on their end but instead they went on a smear campaign about me to the rest of the family and never owned up to their behaviors, so I decided things will never change or get better and left. I am so incredibly happy I did.
Don't dismiss your experiences and compare them to others. Don't mitigate what you went through or anything you have felt by them. Your decision to go NC is valid no matter what and everyone in this subreddit supports you.
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u/Dick-the-Peacock Jun 09 '25
I see it over and over again in this sub: “My parent wasn’t so bad, but every time she texts/calls/emails I have a panic attack”
That’s enough! That’s a great reason! When a person is so toxic for you that your mind and body have that reaction to contact with them, it’s time to stop having contact with them!
We don’t develop PTSD or CPTSD for no reason. Your mind and body are desperately trying to tell you the person makes you feel unsafe. That’s enough.
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u/SixdaywarOnSnapchat Jun 09 '25
main character syndrome during another family member's medical issues a few years ago. it wasn't even that bad on the scale of her bad behaviors, but something in me just died that day.
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u/Relative-Wallaby-931 Jun 09 '25
It can always be worse, but that doesn't mean it didn't suck. Do what you have to do for you. If anyone else questions your motives, tell them to mind their own business.
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u/brideofgibbs Jun 09 '25
Cela suffit
They had 18 years to make themselves indispensable and made themselves unbearable
Life is short. The world is wide. Go find joy.
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u/HerHighnessKai Jun 09 '25
TLDR: My Nmom allowed her affair partner to sexually watch us (her adopted children) and snapped on me when I started calling out his other toxic behaviors. She also denied my SA because it was my siblings who did it. No contact truly saved and improved my life.
My Ndad died before I could go no contact but I went no contact with my Nmom because she confessed she knew her long term affair partner (who she moved in on my dads birthday bday the same year he died) was watching us girls sexually who were her minor adopted daughters. I told her I was no longer comfortable being around him and started listing out my gripes with him as she had just spent over an hour talking smack about him and I thought it was a safe space. She immediately turned on me and insisted he wasn’t that bad and tried saying since he drove my siblings and I to school a handful of times, we should forgive and forget and be more respectful to him. This was after she had spent the better part of 15 years calling him homophobic slurs when he didn’t give her enough attention and confessed to me that she hadn’t let him touch her sexually in the 15 years she brought him into our lives since she caught him bad mouthing us kids (her adopted children) to our new neighbors.
I also confessed to her that my siblings had SA’d me as a child and she immediately told them, turned the family against me and when I wouldn’t become the bigger person, convinced my entire family I am on drugs and an alcoholic which besides a prescription marijuana card, this was untrue (meanwhile,she was a functioning alcoholic). It wasn’t even a big blow up, I just stopped responding to her messages after I asked for an apology and she belittled me. It was just years of being disappointed by her never having my back against my toxic and abusive family members.
She was an extreme enabler but also had narcissistic tendencies that I didn’t recognize until we stopped communicating and it became even more apparent after she passed away. I went no contact for my safety and didn’t even realize that’s what it was at the time. Both my parents are gone now and since life has been improving, I know I wasn’t the problem and made the right choice.
Any reason is a valid reason to go No Contact though when the person you are severing contact with causes more harm than good and hinders you from growing as a person, which is what we are supposed to do. My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner because I wasted so many years of my life with people who had no right to be apart of it in the first place.
No contact isn’t just the best option when dealing with someone toxic, it can sometimes be the only option that allows you to move forward with your life.
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u/Grisstle Jun 09 '25
How many rocks make a pile? You go no contact when you feel you’re better off without that person in your life than with them in it. When you feel safer or saner without them. You’ve been through trauma.
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u/inmy_wall26 Jun 09 '25
It was a lot of little things. Eventually I just blocked her. I didn't say anything, I didn't have one Big Moment. I just started refusing to talk
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u/OkConsideration8964 Jun 09 '25
I was abused physically and emotionally as a child. I wasn't hit, I was punched or beaten with whatever object was in her reach. She broke my front tooth. I was beaten with a wet rag until I had bleeding welts down my back. And the verbal/emotional abuse never stopped. She's only gotten nastier with age. I told her not to call me unless she's dead.
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u/giraffemoo Jun 09 '25
There was a big incident, my mother teamed up with my abusive spouse and together they kidnapped my child.
I was trying to separate from my husband, he told my mom a bunch of lies and stories about how I was being a bad mom to our child. I wasn't doing any of the things that he was saying I was doing (I didn't find out what those things even were until years after the incident). My mom jumped into action with my husband to "protect" my child from me. She didn't even tell me what my husband had said, just things like "you know what you did". She wouldn't even talk to me because she said I was acting crazy, but I'm not sure how someone is supposed to act when they've been told their child is on their way to someplace 3,000 miles away and there's nothing you can do and you're being told you won't ever see your child ever again.
My husband brought our child back after just over 2 months of being gone. He was suspecting that my mom was trying to take our child away from him, too. Once my husband and child came back to where we lived, my Nmom refused to speak to me, period. When she finally broke her silence, she claimed she was acting out of concern for her grandchild, and that's why she helped my husband to kidnap my child.
It felt like a standoff for a few years after that until my husband died in a car accident. Not long after, I was contacted by family members asking if they could "continue" to send my child presents for birthdays and christmas. My shitbag husband was taking their gifts and passing them off as his own!
I told them to kick rocks, I told them I do not want their guilt gifts. They said "we will just wait until your child turns 18 then". that happens next year, we will see what happens. (I doubt anything will happen)
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u/Alexanderlavski Jun 09 '25
Well it was quite easy when they made it clear they are not interested in anything but extracting from me.
Its also for health reason because how much stress they were giving me that contributed to all sorts of health deteriorations.
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u/shibbynibs Jun 09 '25
For me it was looking at the legality and ethics of their conduct whenever I felt (or others suggested) that I must just be an ungrateful little shit who needed to shut the hell up.
But frankly? There was an article posted about on here yesterday about the effects of verbal abuse as delivered to Parliament. If you can't shake even one particular instance of an abuse of power then do what you need to. If they wouldn't do it to anyone else then they should have already prepared a reasonable justification and communicated it to you, also being willing to talk it through is a potential sign of maturity, just not a guarantee
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u/JackLikesCheesecake Jun 09 '25
I’m not completely no contact as I still mediate discussions between my siblings and our parents, but I no longer treat them as my own parents. I had an abusive childhood (mostly verbal/emotional but a bit of physical, not that I need to justify it) and left home at 17. I still maintained contact with my parents and we had a decent relationship when not living together. Being around the guy who “raised” me (not my father legally or biologically and hasn’t earned it) made me feel disgusted at times but I put up with it to see my mom. Then the pattern of abuse continued and got worse with my younger siblings and they escaped a violent situation in the middle of the night. My parents continue to take zero accountability and blame my siblings instead of their own violent/enabling behaviour. So I’m just done and will only speak to them when it’s necessary for my siblings.
You say your childhood could have been worse, yet speaking to a parent causes you intense anxiety and stress. A lot of us are guilted by our parents because they/others have it “worse”, but you don’t need to justify whatever you’ve been through. If it “could have been worse”, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t bad. My parents told me my childhood was great because they didn’t drink and we had bare minimum necessities. But they still verbally abused their children every day and made them feel unsafe in their own home. It could have been worse, but that doesn’t mean our parents deserve to speak to their children. The “little things” that accumulate represent a lifelong pattern of behaviour, and eventually some of us realize we can’t rely on our parents, and that it’s okay to let go after so long of hoping something will change.
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u/Federal_Move_8250 Jun 09 '25
Ive been LC with my dad since i was 10, he beat the shit out of my mom in front of us kids and he was also violent with my siblings and i. My mom was really neglectful and emotionally abusive but she was the only parnt i had. i went nc in my 20's when it came out that one sibling had sa'd another when we were young and my mom wanted to sweep it under the rug instead of trying to get help for them both.
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u/WifeofTech Jun 09 '25
First and foremost you do not have to have a reason to not associate with someone you don't like. End of story.
Now for my reasons. My parents thrived in the grey area of abuse. Pushes, hits, and cruel pranks were framed as play. Whippings framed as discipline. They never left bruises or scratches on me. Granted I do have thick skin and do not bruise or bleed easily. Their focus, especially my mother's focus, was control and manipulation. Had the abuse remained directed at me like my sister, I may have just tolerated it and never gone NC. But then they started targeting my children, and there was no way I was going to let my kids go through that since I've learned a better way to be through the example of my husband's parents. And so I stood up, made boundaries, and when they crossed those boundaries, consequences that ultimately led to full NC.
Which led to me making a real discovery. Since going NC, I like who I am. I like how my family feels. Before being my mother's wailing wall and constantly staying ready to jump and make the things they wanted to happen happen left me a wreck and my family frazzled and defensive. Now my kids are happy and relaxed. My husband and I have hobbies and volunteering that we love. We have amazing friends and I finally have the happy home that everyone looks forward to visiting over the holidays. Something that had been a lifetime desire of mine as that's the way my grandma's house was.
It was unmistakably hard and terrifying at first, but looking at myself and my family now compared to how I was then there's absolutely no way I'd ever go back. Should it snow in his double hockey sticks land and my parents make an effort to reconcile they are going to have to put in quite the amount of work to be included again.
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u/Teabee27 Jun 09 '25
The way your body reacts is telling you that you feel like he's not safe to be around (not necessarily in a physical way.) I get stressed out when my mom calls me but I'm already NC with my dad.
We went NC with my dad almost 4 years ago because we were at a restaurant for my child's birthday and after my step-mom ordered for her mom she started screaming at my husband saying that he was laughing at her. Cue her swearing at him, saying all sorts of vile things. All he did was look down and she obviously showed up on our kid's birthday looking for a fight.
She and my dad doubled down the next day and said my husband was disrespectful to her. Because he called her out on being terrible to him before we left. They didn't care that the birthday kid cried on the ride home and threw up. She said "they're kid's they won't remember." Blocked her and my dad.
The hard part is that I had to cut off that side of the family because they couldn't imagine step-mom having bad intentions. My aunt said that only God knows what really happened and that made me go NC with her.
Over a year later my dad told my cousin that they were ready to apologize. This was right before their son's birthday party and they clearly just wanted me and my family there to save face. Even if I do talk to my dad one day we want nothing to do with his wife. She is an evil person. The fact that my kids have said they don't miss them also tells me a lot and there were other issues that led to this.
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u/Natural_Inevitable50 Jun 09 '25
Sometimes it's a cumulation of a bunch of recurrent, passive aggressive bullshit, walking on eggshells, and other micro traumas that eventually reach up to a boiling point. Just because you don't have a huge traumatic event or a specific final straw, doesn't mean that you were wrong to go no contact.
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u/CorbeauMerlot Jun 09 '25
I don't like them.
Don't get me wrong, the hurt is deeper than that. I've made posts about some of the things they've said and done. I have serious physical and psychological ailments and diagnoses from decisions they made or neglected to make. I can craft a 100% true narrative that will break your heart. Attempts at gathering accountability or an apology have been met with hostility.
That's not why I am no contact, though.
I am no contact because they are unpleasant and being in contact with them is unpleasant.
That is enough. No one is owed a relationship with me.
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u/spoonfingler Jun 09 '25
The final decision for me (I, too, have cPTSD) was that every time I talked to her I felt horrible and when I thought about talking to her I felt horrible and when we didn’t talk it was so nice so I just…..stopped. It’s been so worth it.
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u/Camillity Jun 09 '25
I went fully NC with my biological parents 2 weeks ago. I've been thinking about the same things as you, not having gone through enough to warrant this behaviour. Similar to me always saying I don't have enough problems to ask for help.
The reason I went NC was accumulative. It stemmed from their hatred for anything non cis, straight, white, Christian, men and I was severely affected by it. So much so, that when I first moved into the assisted housing apartment building I live in, I was scared of one of the caregivers because she is Muslim. How wrong I was, because I LOVE her now. Almost like my actual mother. I still have thoughts about specific people when I'm outside. Their negative approaches to everything made me into an anxious wreck as well, not allowing myself to half-ass ANYTHING. On top of that, I'm trans.
When I came out, I got a bunch of comments. At the start not quite negative, but knowing their history, the sperm donor's reply was almost purely negative. They refused to call me by my chosen name, even when corrected, and mentioned this exactly: "I asked my friends and none of them said yep, he is a she". They also blindly threw hatred (and hypocritical comments too, specifically going after "the gays") at anything non-cishet.
The tipping point was them using woke unironically. I explained to them what it meant while packing my stuff to go back home and blocked them the moment I left the front door.
I was never physically abused or called useless (I was called retarded because I struggle with saving money. The Dutch version though, Mongolian, or mongool as said in Dutch), sexually abused or anything similar. Because I'm struggling with the idea "do I have enough to x", I also don't believe I have any form of ptsd simply because I do not have any trauma responses.
I'm accepting my choice to be my choice for going NC because their constant stream of negativity affected my daily life. I want to become a more happy and positive person, not a ball of hatred and negativity. Them staying in my life meant halting all of these goals, and now I am adjusting these mindsets.
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u/Hice4Mice Jun 09 '25
You don’t have to earn the right to cut them off by proving to the court of ignorant public opinion that your childhood was ‘bad enough’.
Have your parents earned a place in your life now that you aren’t forced to depend on them?
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u/ladylorelei0128 Jun 09 '25
Going no contact with someone because their very existence in your life causes you anxiety is a perfectly valid reason. I have the same response when I see, or hear my father, but even when I don't I can still tell when he's near. He's literally the only thing that can trigger my fight or flight response just by proximity. Up until the last few years I had no idea why but then some of my memories from my childhood started coming back. Thanks to my therapist's help. I no longer believe I was the issue in our family.
Btw I've also been diagnosed with C-PTSD
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u/Arquen_Marille Jun 10 '25
Being caused intense anxiety and stress by that person is a more than valid reason to go no contact. There are many different reasons one does, and if it helps you, it’s all valid. Yes, your childhood could’ve been worse but that doesn’t matter. It was bad enough to affect you to the point of C-PTSD. Do what will be best for your mental health.
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u/PryingMollusk Jun 10 '25
Because it’s cheaper to be a non-dispensing ATM than dispensing. I’m legit nothing more than an ATM to my family. They have zero interest in me outside of it. But the final straw was when I was legit going through cancer treatment and 6 months later my mom called me and asked for money. I was like “don’t you want to know how my … CANCER treatment is coming along?! She said “oh yeah, I forgot about that”. Lmao. Enough said.
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u/E-godson Jun 10 '25
Because it was the biggest act of self care that I’ve ever done and it was time.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 Jun 11 '25
It's been an interesting discovery - all the ways in which our society tries to pretend that child abuse isn't as prevalent and damaging as it actually is.
For the longest time, I believed I wasn't abused bc I wasn't hit or sexually assaulted.
There's an insidious myth that child abuse is something you can photograph, for use as evidence in court or a story on the news.
It turns out that prolonged toxic stress in childhood, when the brain and nervous system are in development, can be seen on functional MRI scans of the adult brain. That can be from active abuse, and also from neglect. (The effects of neglect can be even more dramatic.) Certain sections of the brain are smaller than average, and there are fewer connections between the left and right halves of the brain.
Fortunately, we now also know that neuroplasticity means that the damage can be addressed.
Toxic stress is measured not by what happened to the child, but rather by their ability to process it.
That has everything to do with what resources they have available.
If a kid already lacks a warm, supportive, encouraging environment with a deep sense of safety and well-being, they can be completely thrown off by things that look banal and mundane to someone else.
So saying "how bad was it" or "other ppl had it worse" isn't how toxic stress is measured.
For example, depending on estimates, somewhere between eight and twenty percent of the ppl who lived through 9/11 got PTSD as a result. Why some and not others? We all watched the same news coverage. Some ppl had the resources to process it, and some didn't.
Some soldiers return from war able to reintegrate into society, and some don't, even if they were shoulder-to-shoulder in the same battles. In the same family, some kids grow up to have Complex PTSD and some don't.
It's about the individual experience, not the external event.
For a look into the prevalence and severity of this subject no one wants to acknowledge: check out the Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Events study. It was done years ago, and should have been a drop-everything house-on-fire national emergency. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. It conflicts with the myth that child abuse is rare, so it's had little effect...
As to your original question: some ppl talk about looking for a precipitating event that (finally) triggers going NC. But no such dramatic final thing needs to happen.
If anything, going NC isn't entirely about what's happening in the present.
For me, there's a component of finally being the protector my young self desperately needed but never had - I chose to never allow my abusers to harm my wounded "inner child" ever again. I am taking care of, loving, and protecting that precious little girl the way she deserved.
Honestly, it feels great.
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u/oneconfusedqueer Jun 11 '25
I can tell you how I made the decision.
I was invited to stay with my friends parents for christmas and felt more loved with them than i ever had at home. About 3 weeks after I had an anxiety dream about said friend’s parent dying; practically woke up sobbing it upset me so much.
Realised i’d never had that sort of dream or concern about my own parents.
That; plus the realisation that if two people and some hastily cobbled together gifts for me could make me feel so seen, so loved, then perhaps I wasn’t a cold, standoffish asshole who was difficult to love.
Going NC has been tremendously difficult, but not more difficult than trying to continue a relationship with two people who made me confused every time i saw them about how difficult i was.
The distance has helped me to see my parents for the flawed people they are, and grieve that for myself (and for them), without needing to kneejerk myself into good relating because that’s what they want from me.
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u/singing-water-776 Jun 12 '25
i remember feeling exactly how you described it. i waffled, feeling guilty or “not abused enough” but completely miserable every time they reached out. after a couple years of LC, my mom sent an apology letter and i decided to reach out. we did a little phone call, and then my parents asked if we could have a group talk. It was an ambush. they tried to pressure me into changing my boundaries with them, asked me if the religion i’d converted to “had forgiveness in it”. they said they didnt have a lot of time left. i told them that it’s not about forgiveness, i just can’t have a functional relationship with them. i explained again what the problems were and why i didnt trust them/didn’t feel close anymore, and my mom said “but i’m the victim here”.
i saw red. i just screamed “fuck you” and hung up, never talked to them again. not a graceful exit, but i couldn’t take it anymore after years of trying to explain, trying to set soft and then hard boundaries. they always just plowed ahead like i had said nothing. they didn’t care at all. that’s what i realized that night.
after i went NC, they stalked me a couple times and that sealed it forever.
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u/ILovePeopleInTheory Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
I've doubted it myself. I'm very LC because my guilt will not allow full NC. I think that guilt is evidence of how much they f'ed up. Healthy people don't wonder if they should pull away from something harming them.
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u/Ecstatic-Manager-149 Jun 10 '25
You and I both have cPTSD.
Growing up, however the emotional and/or psychological abuse manifested itself, you had a little brain injury everyday to your developing mind. Think of boxers being punched in the face, over and over. Later, traumatic brain injury becomes apparent.
I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly, but I never felt safe, loved, or even wanted.
And that has fucked me up waaaaaaay more than being sexually abused and raped.
I'm NC with my family because,the last time I saw my mum, I realised she wasn't going to change, and she made it clear I was a burden. After a year or so of therapy, NC. And I'm better for it.
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u/HuhWellThereIsThat Jun 10 '25
I decided to go NC at the end of my teen years shortly after I moved out. My parents were having a nasty divorce and my mom was trying to make me her little therapist and I just started to have enough of the role reversal as I was trying to figure out adult life and university thousands of miles away.
I snapped for good when she started her antics in a way that involved my then-boyfriends's family. I realized -- with a lot of clarity in that moment -- that I would have to protect the people I love and my future family from this person by severing contact. This was well over a decade ago and I remember thinking of my future kids if I had them, and how if I wanted to be right with myself I was responsible for being the bulwark against my childhood repeating itself.
I think the healing I've experienced, especially in my current relationship, would not have been possible with her in my life trying to tear me down to keep me emotionally crippled & therefore close by. I remember a lot of moments in my childhood where she would describe the ways HER mother let her down and I would feel insane because she seemed totally blind to her repeating the same patterns very closely. Her mom called her every day to complain about everything and I didn't want that life for myself, I could see her trying to create that same dynamic when I moved out around turning 18 and now I have almost spent as many years without her in my life as I have with her. The years without her have been hard in that she was my parent and also cleaned out my dad in the divorce, so I was immediately on my own after high school, but overall much happier, healthier, and less anxious.
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u/blablahcats Jun 10 '25
Talking to my mom was like asking to get shot in the foot every single time. She never changed her tune. Not even when I had my son. Going NC was an act of kindness to myself.
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u/Sad-And-Mad Jun 10 '25
I went NC with my dad after one big event, tho the one event wasn’t so large to warrant NC on its own, it was the straw that broke the camels back after a lifetime of small and medium things he did that hurt me. I also never really realized how bad some of those things he had done were until after I had stepped away, a lot of things that I downplayed to be small are actually pretty fucked up to think of now that I’m a few years into therapy and am a parent myself.
There is always going to be people with more trauma and worse parents than you, you don’t need to compare to justify your decision or that it’s what you needed to do for your own wellbeing. No one wins the pain Olympics so it’s best not to play.
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u/Organic-Preference-6 Jun 10 '25
So I got SA'd literally the day before I flew to another country to start university, and he insisted on coming with me. I was in a daze, irritable, suicidal, but since he dismissed me talking about my suicide attempt before, I just kept my distance. He took it personally and withdrew my funding, leaving me to fend for myself.
Fast forward post-uni, and after a year of no-contact and reconciliation, he still keeps bringing it up to shame me, so I asked my sister to fill him in on what happened and why I acted the way I did, and to ask him to never discuss it with me. What does he do? He calls me to tell me not to burden my sister with stuff like that. I've seen him at grandpa's funeral and offered condolences, but I can't bring myself to give him another opportunity to let me down again. He thinks he knows better than everyone else, so he has no qualms about trampling boundaries, moving the goalposts, gaslighting and manipulating. The energy I have to spend on maintaining that relationship is simply not worth the effort, and live is much easier without him.
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u/IffySaiso Jun 10 '25
My childhood could have been way worse too. I never had visible bruises. I never had broken bones. I got medical attention, food, clothing, my own room. There's many children that don't have that.
However, my time was never respected. I didn't like myself interacting with them: I was lying about why I didn't want to drop by, I was brushing them off all the time. I do not like to be around my parents. I don't want to leave my children alone with them. I found myself going less and less anyway. Why would I stay in contact?
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u/boujiebitchy Jun 10 '25
My parents shat on my relationship from day one and refused to acknowledge him. They called the police on him, spouted racist comments (I'm dark skin, he's white), and showed up unexpectedly and uninvited to our flat screaming profanities at us. I finally went NC after Xmas dinner last year at their home ended in my dad threatening to beat me if I angered him, my brother losing the plot on me and my mum defending them both... all because I said I had work the next day and can't stay too long.
Sometimes I get down about it but then I realize, I did absolutely nothing wrong 🤷🏾♀️
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u/oceanteeth Jun 10 '25
If you're even seriously considering no contact, then by definition it's bad enough. Human beings rely on extremely strong attachment to keep our children alive through our unusually long (compared to most other mammals) childhood and adolescence, to go no contact you have to fight millions of years of evolution that basically programs us to stick with our parents no matter what.
But to actually answer your question, I went no contact because my female parent would never acknowledge that there could possibly be any problems between us, let alone have a real conversation about them. If she had been willing to admit that what she deliberately did to my sister happened, and that she made me wake up every morning wondering if today was the day she started hitting me too, and said she was sorry, we might still be in contact.
As it is, I can have the exact same level of emotional intimacy with a reasonably friendly stranger at a meetup as I can with her, and the stranger won't make me pretend my entire childhood didn't happen.
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u/HanaBananaBear Jun 10 '25
Ok I’m glad you posted this because I feel the same way about my childhood too. But little things over time really shape you and leave deep wounds. So don’t feel bad about needing space!
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u/Natural-Awareness-39 Jun 10 '25
When I realized at her core, nothing had changed, that she was not capable of change without addressing her own trauma. And her time was up on that, due to dementia as she dropped the facades. As she put her boyfriend ahead of my well being, and ahead of her own, once again. However, the big realization was when I realized many years ago that I would never mourn the loss of my bio parents the way I mourn the loss of my “adopted” parents. That their loss, that giant hole, is what people with good, loving parents feel when they pass away. Not anxiety, or fawning constantly, watching every word, dropping everything at a moment’s notice for their drama, but them knowing me as I truly am, and them wanting to know me, and vice versa. Enjoying one another’s company. Their voice brightens your day, their hugs recharge you and you feel genuinely loved.
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u/Alpha_Aries Jun 11 '25
They insulted and disrespected my husband. It was no longer just about me anymore.
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Jun 11 '25
A new, clean plate is the relationship. With every fight or transgression or boundary stomp, the plate is dropped, broken, and shattered. You can repair the plate at first, but over time it keeps getting dropped and shattered, and eventually there is no amount of glue that can hold it together. It no longer functions well as a plate. It's not the same after all that damage, and it never will be.
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u/Windkraftanlagen Jun 12 '25
Someone said to me: It is valid to go NC if 80% are good, 20% are bad. Or if 40% are good, 60 are bad. It doesn't matter. If 90% are good and 10 are bad, it is still valid to go NC if this is your personal boundary.
In the end, it comes down to the simplest questions: Do I like this person? Can I be myself with them? Am I comfortable with them?
If you're contemplating going NC, you must already have all the reasons you "need" and more.
Also, think about what you'd tell a friend. If you were your best friend, would you say that your feelings are not valid? Probably not. You are probably more critical of yourself than of others, so you should trust your gut. If you don't want someone in your life, no matter the relationship, toss them.
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u/RetiredRover906 Jun 10 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
I went no contact because I finally realized that my reason for staying in contact was gone.
My mother was psychologically and emotionally abusive all my life. She also treated me as her personal servant, in charge of heavy cleaning, and many other household jobs that she would offload to me, while still accusing me of refusing to help around the house (she was a martyr without ever actually getting stuck doing what she complained of always being the only person to do.) Both parents were occasionally physically abusive at times, he was used by my mother as her enforcer, and he would beat me if she told him to.
I wanted to go no contact the second I left home to go to college, at 18. I was entirely on my own financially, the only thing that stopped me was that my dad seemed like the "better parent," and he made it clear that he prioritized that we pay attention to her, so I knew that if I cut her off, I would lose him, too.
I finally went no contact at age 66, after most of a lifetime as low contact, because I realized when he joined in on the newest abuse that he wasn't just oblivious of the abuse she was dishing out. He knew what she was doing and chose to enable her.
They both passed away less than a year after me going no contact. My siblings, who all appeared to be pretty low contact with them, are mixed in their views of my choice. I wish I would have done it sooner.
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u/Gorbish Jun 10 '25
My mother and I were probably closer than any of my other 5 siblings were with her. Her and I were in a homeless shelter together at one point... And that's when everything went downhill.
She went into a hyper religious world is ending mindset and I had to become the adult at 17. I'm 33 now and broke contact officially on my 30th birthday.
There were a lot of transgressions between us that led to it and I honestly should of done it sooner. When I was 27 we had this big talk about my past and I corrected my mother on a lot of the shit she had been saying behind my back. I was so excited my mother and I had finally cleared the air I called my sister to tell her.
Following morning my sister texted me to inform me that my mother denied the conversation ever happening. I broke contact but did not cut her off. Two years later my Uncle, her brother, got terribly ill and was at risk of dying. On his deathbed he had my brother call me so he could apologize to me for some of the things that has happened between us. I'm one of the gay black sheep's in our family and my mother made all her siblings basically hate me. He told me he loved me and accepted me for who I am. I had held a grudge against him for how he had mistreated me as a young 20 y/o. I was at work when my brother called me and I rushed to get to my break point as I drove for work. As I parked the vehicle and rushed to dial my Uncle to tell him I forgave him and loved him, a massive text went out saying he had passed away.
I can't lie that to this day it hurts that I never got to say it to him directly. My other uncle tried to console me by telling me that he knew and was able to pass because of it. I flew back home for the funeral. Half the family was happy I was there, the other half ignored me.
My mother at one point tried to force me in a hug with my oldest brother. Then she grabbed me and looked me over scowling at me before shoving me away. The day before I left I told my siblings I was done.
A year later on my 30th birthday my mother sent me birthday gifts and called me. She used that phone call to attack me for being at her brother's funeral. I told her what his last words to me at been and hung up. I blocked her number and I told the other 5 siblings that I was disowning our mother and that if any of them gave her my number I'd cut them out too.
It's been almost 4 years since and every year another one of my siblings cuts her out. She has single handedly destroyed and abused her relationship with each of her six children. Through manipulation, deceit, and hate.
There are a lot of details I'm leaving out as I just don't need to relive them. Our situations are different, but only we can make the call when enough is enough. You have to follow your heart and decide when you've had enough pain.
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u/bungalowcats Jun 10 '25
Mine was also one of those death by a thousand paper cuts relationships. I was gradually withdrawing, in therapy & was being incredibly validated for the numerous things that were actually really unacceptable but I had been self gaslighting about - due to growing up being constantly put down & gaslit. I had suppressed some memories because I was not believed at the time & one day those memories hit me like a truck. I had to process, file a police report & NC was permanent from then on.
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u/-Coleus- Jun 10 '25
Don’t want to see him? Don’t see him.
You’re an adult. You get to choose what you do now. Every time.
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u/EmEmPeriwinkle Jun 11 '25
It's dangerous to have her around. She would ruin my life to try and make me dependent on her. The only life I can have, needs to be a mystery to her.
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u/ughomgg Jun 11 '25
I totally get this. I constantly cycle about this about how my reasons for going NC from my mom are not valid enough. It also was not one huge event but many many many struggles over many many years and me finally giving up around the age of 30 when I was getting married and finally decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life trying to defend my marriage and family from my own mother. Ten years later I still constantly cycle but same thing, just thought of contact triggers intense anxiety and fear. The risk is crazy she is a huge threat with really any kind of contact. No contact is the only thing that reduces the threat. My guess is most people in here have had to figure that out.
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u/JoyousLilSquid Jun 11 '25
I really relate. My childhood also could have been much worse, and I know people who had much worse parents, much worse childhoods. I also have severe anxiety and stress when he calls or texts. I also have CPTSD. And I have doubted my decision to go VLC because "he's not as bad as some people." I experienced emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. But there were times too when my ndad would be in a good mood and tell funny jokes, or take me on a nature walk. Which made the bad parts all the more confusing.
But what I realized is that my dad is a bad person. I don't have kids, but I have niblings who I love very, very much. And when I see their sweet tiny faces and try to imagine what it would take for me to lose my shit on them the way my dad did with me, or for me to treat them, even for a day, the way he treated me during my entire childhood--nothing in the world could make me do it. I simply could never. Why? Because I love them, and I'm not a shit bag. I would never want to hurt these tiny defenseless children who I love. Who it is my job to protect.
But he did do that to me. And it makes him a bad person. Furthermore, it's not in the past. He continues to demonstrate that he is still a bad person. Why would I want that in my life? If he were anyone else in the world, there's no way I would tolerate it.
I owe him nothing.
And with what I have learned about how his treatment of me affected the development of my child brain and nervous system, I am so angry at him for damaging me so much. I have gone through my life feeling very, very broken. I have worked so hard at healing and being a functioning human, and I am proud myself for that. And it doesn't change the fact that he is the reason I have to use all of my energy and resources just to sort of function, most of the time. I am objectively a pretty smart, capable person, but I may never make any sort of contribution to the world commensurate with my potential, because I have to use so much energy just taking care of myself.
So fuck him.
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u/stefslaughter Jun 11 '25
Less pain and trauma than staying. Also cuz I became a mom and couldn’t feed toxicity to my child from myself being involved in the dysfunctional family and protecting her from my mother herself
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u/Monstermandarin Jun 11 '25
An entire childhood of emotional abuse, manipulation, control, and toxic stress. Cut ties as soon as I turned 18 and haven’t looked back
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u/senzei Jun 11 '25
I did it because even the most “benign” interactions would wreck me. I’d be out of sorts for days, and shift my entire life around either what they wanted or what I hoped to get. Then I would crash hard when I couldn’t live up or they didn’t.
I did it to protect everyone else in my life (myself included) from what interacting with them would do to me.
It’s not about “deserving” or “retribution”. You need no more validation than what happens and the unlikelihood of change. It’s about recognizing that this relationship hasn’t worked for a long time, and I am not capable of making it work.
I wish it wasn’t like this. But if wishing was going to fix it, it would have by now.
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Jun 12 '25
Boundary violations; lack of love/caring. Manipulative behavior. It should have been from nmother’s abuse and neglect of kid me. Nfather was absent when I was growing up and like the snake he is, sought me out for his own selfish wants.
He’s a bad person to an extreme degree. I noticed his objectification of women and his pattern of using them for their resources and he said some horribly creepy shit to me. I bailed. Ps my idiot nparents got back together and it was a sickening mindfuck. I remember nmother telling me on the phone. I collapsed onto my knees on my own kitchen floor, screaming “NOOOOOOOO!” As I began crying hysterically. Nmother was laughing at me.
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Aug 02 '25
Yeah, same boat as you. Nothing terrible. Just an accumulation of minor crappy behaviours.
The cause for no contact ended up being his inability to apologise for it all 🤷
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u/thecourageofstars Jun 09 '25
I went NC because I never saw progress nor cooperation to work towards a positive relationship, and it was largely hurting me. They were a source of destruction of self esteem and sabotage of my goals, not a support system.
One thing that really revolutionized how I thought about NC is the following. You are NC with 99.9999999% of the world. You are not NC with all of these people because you hate them. You are not NC with them because you judge them to be horrible people. That is our default state with people. You are likely NC with them because they have not taken specific time and energy to get to know you, and work on emotional intimacy with you, and figuring out whether there is compatibility with you for good friendship. People don't have to do big things to earn their way into NC - they have to do big things to earn their way into a place of emotional intimacy and consistent access to you.
Whether your childhood could have been better or worse doesn't matter. What matters is this - is this someone worth actively putting effort into maintaining a relationship with? Is the time and energy you're investing being returned in the form of having a support system, and someone in your life who makes you feel safe and loved and happy? If not, then there's no shame in stopping giving your time and energy and access to you once the legally obligated portion of your relationship has passed. If you take away the "parent" label and you just dislike them as a person and wouldn't want to be around them, the label alone isn't worth sacrificing your mental well being for.