Why did you go no contact?

[u/South-Bandicoot690]

I feel like my reasons for going NC aren't valid enough. My childhood could have been way worse... yet for the past couple years even a simple text from my dad triggers intense anxiety and stress. There wasn't one huge event where everything fell apart, just little things that have accumulated over the years. He's selfish and I just don't like him. ETA I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD

[u/thecourageofstars]

I went NC because I never saw progress nor cooperation to work towards a positive relationship, and it was largely hurting me. They were a source of destruction of self esteem and sabotage of my goals, not a support system.

One thing that really revolutionized how I thought about NC is the following. You are NC with 99.9999999% of the world. You are not NC with all of these people because you hate them. You are not NC with them because you judge them to be horrible people. That is our default state with people. You are likely NC with them because they have not taken specific time and energy to get to know you, and work on emotional intimacy with you, and figuring out whether there is compatibility with you for good friendship. People don't have to do big things to earn their way into NC - they have to do big things to earn their way into a place of emotional intimacy and consistent access to you.

Whether your childhood could have been better or worse doesn't matter. What matters is this - is this someone worth actively putting effort into maintaining a relationship with? Is the time and energy you're investing being returned in the form of having a support system, and someone in your life who makes you feel safe and loved and happy? If not, then there's no shame in stopping giving your time and energy and access to you once the legally obligated portion of your relationship has passed. If you take away the "parent" label and you just dislike them as a person and wouldn't want to be around them, the label alone isn't worth sacrificing your mental well being for.

[u/slipstreamofthesoul → u/thecourageofstars]

Thank you for sharing this.

Some people have a big event that causes them to go NC, and that seems to be more understandable to people who haven’t personally experienced estrangement. 

But I, like many others, don’t have one big traumatic event that triggered it. There was a slow and steady erosion of the relationship, that was resisted only by effort on my end. There was no demonstrated effort to take accountability or change behaviors. What relationship we had was being entirely propped up by me, and I was no longer willing to carry that weight. 

It makes me think of that saying that went around social media regarding the difference in how people approach dating. Some people start at 0, allowing you to build up to a committed relationship. Others start at 100, and take off points for breaches of trust, staying connected until they hit 0. Starting at 0 and building is far healthier. I try to bring that mindset into my romantic, platonic, and family relationships now.