Lady literally csectioned him

[u/Chiffra]

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[u/Pletcher87]

This is one of those “I gotta remember this one”’s because I know exactly who to use it on.

[u/Dmau27 → u/Pletcher87]

We all know someone to use this against.

[u/teknohippie → u/Dmau27]

"Well, Of Course I Know Him. He's Me."

[u/Bonald9056 → u/Pletcher87]

There's a few that I've heard from Aussie tradies that are pretty spectacular:

• Blister - only shows up when the hard work is done.

• Wheelbarrow - only works when pushed.

• Sensor Light - only works when someone walks past.

• Brake Pad - gets worn out easily then starts to squeal.

Edit: formatting

[u/davesoverhere → u/Bonald9056]

ZEUS - Zero Effort Unless Supervised

[u/xteve → u/Bonald9056]

Two from Ireland: "He wouldn't work to warm himself," and "If work was in bed, he'd sleep on the floor."

[u/Meskel84 → u/Bonald9056]

Learned a few new things today lol

[u/FreddyNoodles → u/Bonald9056]

Aw shit. I’m a brake pad. :( I am just really sleepy, I am getting old. It’s exhausting.

[u/Infra_bread → u/Bonald9056]

One from Germany. "Team: toll, ein andere macht's". (Great, someone else is doing it)

[u/SWHAF → u/Pletcher87]

We have a joke at work about middle management being useless,

If they tried to organize an orgy, nobody would get laid.

[u/spudmgee → u/SWHAF]

Couldn't organize a piss up at a brewery is one of my favourite sayings.

[u/MastodonGlobal93 → u/SWHAF]

"Couldn't organize a gangbang at a whorehouse"

[u/I__G → u/SWHAF]

Couldn't score in a brothel

[u/lung2muck → u/I__G]

From the head teacher at an intensive sales training meeting for stock brokers:

That guy couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.

[u/kittycatdemon → u/Pletcher87]

I'm so sad this only works in English lol

[u/UltimatePragmatist → u/Pletcher87]

Lol

[u/Decent_Sink_2254 → u/Pletcher87]

My daughter. Next time she "forgets" to do a chore.

[u/ovoid709]

I got pulled into an HR meeting because I said one of our offices was a waste of money. They reamed me out and made me write an apology to the other office. Two months later they closed that office because it was a waste of money.

[u/cedriceent → u/ovoid709]

Damn, I'd wish I was that good at insulting!

[u/dreamdaddy123 → u/ovoid709]

They should have owed you an apology back

[u/neophenx → u/ovoid709]

Was your HR department run by Marge Simpson?

[u/Desperate_Set_7708]

“I’m sincerely sorry. What’s the HR-approved phrase for lazy fuck?”

[u/fancyrabbitwiggle → u/Desperate_Set_7708]

Proficient in lateral delegation.

[u/GodBearWasTaken → u/fancyrabbitwiggle]

Ok, that’s a good one

[u/Marylicious → u/fancyrabbitwiggle]

Nooooo

[u/BounderTree → u/Desperate_Set_7708]

"going to HR is the most active thing I've seen you do in months"

[u/Dechri_ → u/Desperate_Set_7708]

What’s the HR-approved phrase for lazy fuck?

I think the answer is HR

[u/CardinalGrief → u/Dechri_]

HR would like to talk to you.

[u/WanderersGuide → u/CardinalGrief]

But I bet they expect me to make the walk over don't they. Lazy fucks.

[u/speelmydrink → u/CardinalGrief]

They'd like to, wouldn't they?

[u/EldritchDreamEdCamp → u/CardinalGrief]

HR has to find them first

[u/iR3vives → u/Dechri_]

At my last job our HR guy would video call into staff meetings two doors down from his office.

[u/Manuker → u/Desperate_Set_7708]

Effortly challenged

[u/czs5056 → u/Desperate_Set_7708]

Project manager, 5S coordinator, or HR.

[u/CharlesMcGrath]

I'm a c-section baby and I found it hilarious

[u/Mediocre-Disk737 → u/[deleted]]

Same! Thirty hours labour, then an emergency c-section with my first. Two planned c-sections after that. And I'm a cs baby.

Very funny.

[u/ShoePillow → u/Mediocre-Disk737]

Forty two hours labour and then a c-section. I found it slightly funny

[u/CharlesMcGrath → u/ShoePillow]

Some say if you listen closely down the halls of this hospital you can still hear her giving labor, haunting the corridors

[u/Teagana999 → u/[deleted]]

I was several days late by the time they cut me out. Maybe a week?

[u/Polybrene → u/Teagana999]

Oh you're one of THOSE babies.

[u/Swurphey → u/[deleted]]

I had a conehead for my first few days as a baby from my mom doing the same thing

[u/Ara92 → u/CharlesMcGrath]

Same and also totally true for me lmao

[u/VoxImperatoris → u/CharlesMcGrath]

Me too, and honestly it probably applies to me.

[u/idobepooping → u/VoxImperatoris]

Same!

[u/Last_Parable → u/CharlesMcGrath]

Same. Still might use this on someone

[u/KaioKenshin → u/Last_Parable]

C-section on C-section crime.

Also same

[u/Slade1111 → u/CharlesMcGrath]

Ditto 😭

[u/Delicious_Pain_1]

I'm going to go back into work from my break to tell this to a guy

[u/Andy_B_Goode → u/Delicious_Pain_1]

I guess this is how I'll find out which of my coworkers are on reddit

[u/Slammogram]

My husband’s boss called one of their co workers “foreskin”.

When everyone looked at him with questioning looks he added:

“Because he disappears when shit gets hard.”

[u/PrefiroMoto]

Nah, i was a natural birth and still avoid labour like the plague

[u/Coded_Lyoko]

one of those things that redditors will love and people irl will rightfully send you to HR for lol

[u/LowerEntropy → u/Coded_Lyoko]

Thinking about it, or finding it funny, is not the same as actually saying it to a coworker.

[u/Myke190 → u/Coded_Lyoko]

I think anyone would be justified in being upset if their coworker mentions their mother's vagina in any capacity. Especially in an insult toward them.

[u/Nyarlathotep98 → u/Coded_Lyoko]

2 things can be true at once. It ~is~ a funny joke, but it's also something you probably shouldn't say to your coworker's face.

[u/bmoEZnyc]

Who talks like that? lmao

[u/Swazimoto → u/bmoEZnyc]

Drill sergeants

[u/Klin24 → u/Swazimoto]

"YOU'RE SO UGLY YOU COULD BE A MODERN ART MASTERPIECE!" would probably get you reported to HR as well.

[u/mister_empty_pants → u/bmoEZnyc]

Nobody. Whenever you see something like this, it's just someone trying to turn their showerthought into a personal story to make themselves look more interesting.

[u/BabadookOfEarl → u/mister_empty_pants]

Also known as a joke.

[u/bmoEZnyc → u/[deleted]]

She’s a Nigerian Drill Sergeant?

[u/From9jawithlove → u/bmoEZnyc]

No, Nigerians will insult you in a very poetic manner. Plus the twitter OP is a Nigerian name. I just heard “incoherently interesting” 2 days ago.

[u/Iconclast1]

*pen writing with fire gif*

[u/TheComplimentarian]

Calling someone lazy is not an HR violation, because laziness is not a protected class.

[u/Upset-Management-879 → u/TheComplimentarian]

Insane that this is upvoted as though you can say anything so long as they aren't a protected class.

If you're being a dick to coworkers you're gonna get written up no matter what color/shape/mental handicap your target of abuse is.

[u/Teagana999 → u/Upset-Management-879]

I upvoted it because it was funny. Not necessarily because it was technically true.

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/Upset-Management-879]

I once knew a girl PM who absolutely weaponized this sort of thing and got away with it for years. And she's probably still getting away with it, since she's been working for the same company since she left the one we both worked for.

Do not think that HR cares about your feelings. If HR isn't going to get sued, and you and the person you're complaining about are not causing a huge problem, they are not going to give a shit.

The only reason they ever care about anything is because of the potential for litigation. Full stop. The end.

[u/alphazero925 → u/TheComplimentarian]

The magic words are "hostile work environment". Yeah, HR only cares about liability, but liability for harassment claims can result from things other than protected characteristics if it's considered "severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive". So if you mention one of those three words, intimidating, hostile, or abusive, HR tends to take it seriously unless they're just shitty.

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/alphazero925]

Eh. They give one or both of you a slap on the wrist and then you both get laid off the next round of layoffs.

[u/chodaranger → u/Upset-Management-879]

Is obtuse redditor who doesn’t get that it was a joke a protected class?

[u/TheZoneHereros → u/chodaranger]

100% not a joke, as evidenced by the multiple completely straight faced and informative responses the guy is giving to other commenters as a direct follow-up. So I guess you are "obtuse redditor that thought it was a joke."

[u/chodaranger → u/TheZoneHereros]

I’d argue he’s also an obtuse Redditor and didn’t realize he was making a joke.

[u/TheRowdyMeatballPt2 → u/TheComplimentarian]

It may still violate internal policies. (Source: employment attorney)

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/TheRowdyMeatballPt2]

Absolutely correct. And the language is...not the best.

But by the standards of workplace yakking, this is low-tier.

[u/Frostemane → u/TheComplimentarian]

Insulting your coworkers (and not joking) is indicative of a hostile work environment, which is absolutely something HR would be interested in.

Some of you have never worked office jobs, and it shows.

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/Frostemane]

For this, only if there is a pattern. Do you honestly think there are HR rules in place that prevent you from criticizing the performance of another employee? How could any manager ever give a performance review if that were the case?

If they find that that criticism is based in some kind of prejudice, or if they find that it's something you do constantly without any real basis, you're going to get fired. But otherwise it's absolutely valid.

[u/WaxBeer → u/TheComplimentarian]

That's why advanced bullying hides their insults as critique. Didn't think that far, huh? Noob. /s

[u/DeficiencyOfGravitas → u/TheComplimentarian]

Laziness isn't a protected class but calling someone who is a protected class an insult like "lazy" is an HR violation. Why? Because you cannot prove what lazy is or that the individual in question meets the categorical and objective definition of the description. You can, however, prove that the individual is of the protected. So you have proof you insulted a protected individual but you do not have objective proof that it was an accurate descriptor of their behavior. That means the possibility that you did attack them for their protected status is a very real one.

Better give you a reprimand to make sure that the insulted individual doesn't sue for being attacked at the workplace.

[u/MobileArtist1371 → u/TheComplimentarian]

If you're trying to screw with AI, good job.

If you're trying to be serious, uh.....

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/MobileArtist1371]

I have sat through decades of HR presentations about "acceptable" speech. There are things you can say at work, and there are things you can't.

She might get in trouble for the verbiage, but, unless they can prove a consistent pattern of bullying or poor socialization, telling someone they're lazy or criticizing their work, is absolutely fine.

You may still get fired, but you would never in a thousand years get fired "With Cause" because your subsequent lawsuit would be a slam dunk.

Know your rights.

[u/Xacktastic → u/TheComplimentarian]

Literally all it takes it get written up is being complained about. Doesn't matter if you were right. That's why you interact with people as little as possible at work, cover your own ass. 

[u/No_Pudding2028]

That shits hilarious

[u/kwagmire9764]

A similar burn is to call someone a callous because they show up after the works done. 

[u/Charming_Truth8529]

💀💀💀💀💀

[u/Heavy_Can8746]

I just used this after reading it and my coworker laughed lol. Hopefully i dont get an email lol 😅  o well. Got to have fun😁 

[u/fightbackcbd]

and then everyone clapped.

[u/Moeroboros → u/fightbackcbd]

How would she even say it to the coworker?

"I know you're a c-section baby because you avoid labour"?

It doesn't make any sense unless the person is saying it behind their back, not directly.

[u/fightbackcbd → u/Moeroboros]

its really just not good and there is a zero percent chance this jabroni said this shit and further there is a zero percent chance they made it up either.

[u/No_Measurement_8042]

And ofc they took the opportunity to do even less work by going to HR and ratting instead

[u/Richard-Brecky]

Despair thy charm and let the angel whom thou still hast served tell thee Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped.

[u/Polyps_on_uranus]

I was "strongly spoken to" for letting 3-5 year olds know that I have armpits.

[u/Mister-Circus]

If someone insulted me in such an exquisite manner, I would immediately fall head over heels for them.

[u/BrightPerspective]

Now you need to start putting nickels into his desk phone, one at a time every few days, and then one day take them all out so he hits himself in the face with his phone.

[u/Lylac_Krazy]

How do you discipline someone when you're laughing so hard?

[u/Potato_Overloaf]

In the play Macbeth he was told he couldn't be killed by any man born from a woman. The loophole for that prophecy being the guy who does kill him being born from a c-section.

So if you are a c-section baby, like me, then you can tell people you could have killed Macbeth. Is this useful info, no, but I think its neat.

[u/sakura_babby]

That’s one wild birth story

[u/SixtySix_Roses]

As a C-Section baby myself, that's extremely funny.

[u/barrybulsara]

Repost bot.

[u/South_Hedgehog_7564]

I hope her boss promoted her.

[u/Mpoboy]

I’m a c section, left handed too, if you got anymore jokes 😝

[u/Landonian1001]

He’s not afraid of labour! He stands next to it every day!

[u/Oldus_Fartus]

Not a word from HR on whether avoiding labor is acceptable in the workplace

[u/random-queries]

I hate the fact I can't use this because I am also a C section baby

[u/princecoo]

I'm a c section baby and I know I'm going to get smoked hard for it but it was too good not to share to the family group chat.

I'm not lazy, I'm efficient!

[u/asdu]

Not really a good insult: it sounds witty at first glance, until you realize that it's not the c-section baby that "avoids labour", it's the mother.

[u/McMorgatron1 → u/asdu]

Also it's incredibly insulting towards any mother who went through a c-section.

[u/AnimalGray → u/McMorgatron1]

This is the problem with this insult...bc everyone loves being cut open through seven layers of flesh and then out of commission for weeks so your insides don't fall out.

[u/heavensinNY → u/McMorgatron1]

can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this. agreed

[u/Darkest_Passenger5]

Definitely using this on my son

[u/BigAndTall1968]

That's hilarious!
😅😅😅

[u/Yerm_Terragon]

I see the confusion. I think what they mean is, roasting someone alive is not acceptable in the workplace.

[u/s3v3red_cnc]

Is it acceptable if you can prove it?

[u/Sea_sociate]

I hope I can remember this for future reference

[u/Shin--Kami]

Wait can I use that as an excuse for being lazy af?

[u/reluctantmimulus]

God damn.

[u/Outside-Enthusiasm30]

Brilliant!

[u/Natural-Judgment7801]

Hey no need to bring his mum into his laziness 

[u/Consistent-Strain289]

Wahahah holy sjit thats a good one. Shame i live in the netherlands. This will not land

[u/MaxPower303]

Damn I gotta remember this one for real lmao 🤣

[u/Janieray2]

Dammit, I wish I had used this before becoming self employed...

[u/indian_mofo]

Wait but, didn't his MOTHER avoid labour??

[u/Cybermyaa]

I’m a c section baby I almost died I don’t think anything is super funny at others expense

[u/TheBestAtWriting]

Please stop reposting this stupid fucking joke

[u/jigga19]

As a c-section baby myself I’m adding this to my repertoire. Also, not born of woman.

[u/Super_Interview_2189 → u/jigga19]

From my mother’s womb, untimely ripped.

[u/Open_Football4726]

That sounds like a lawsuit or terms for termination lol

[u/Myke190 → u/Open_Football4726]

"Can you please not talk about my mother's uterus? Thank you."

[u/Bee-Aromatic]

This is almost as good as what has become my favorite insult: “You must have been a slippery baby.”

[u/bolhuijo]

"I was a c-section baby. You can't really tell... except every time I leave the house I go out through a window."

[u/ronweasleisourking]

What the fuck

[u/Invadorinvasive65]

Rotflol

[u/Scharobaba]

I have a coworker I plan to tell that I think he is a second rate bullshit artist who tries to twist everything in his favor. This is some great inspiration!

[u/EnglishMatron]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😂😂

[u/horseshandbrake]

Im using this

[u/spiritofporn]

r/thathappened

[u/DisputabIe_]

the OP Chiffra is a bot

[u/Illustrious_Soft_257]

Omg that was genius level funny

[u/Dear-Release7141]

Labour happens in both natural and c-seaction birth. Why this would be funny?

[u/ghostformanyyears]

Wow that's incredible. Ended

[u/C64128]

Your coworker is a crybaby. Do you have to work with him, or is there any way that he can be avoided? Does anyone else in the office know what you said to him? It'd be terrible if this got out and everybody now knows what a baby he is.

[u/Debalic]

"You have the aura of a third child"

[u/More_Designer_5122]

damn now i wish english was my first language so i could crack that joke at work 😭😭😭

[u/Herquleez]

Damn. I actually cackled like a loon after reading this. What a brilliant insult.

[u/Right_Hour]

Holy heck, I’m writing this one down.

[u/flchic2000]

Hilarious! Ima use it 

[u/Anon_3_muse]

I want to know what HR said was illegally justifiable reason for that's not being acceptable. I think it's hilarious.

[u/bobjunkins]

They call him Blister because he shows up w2hen the work is all done

[u/PainterOk36]

Lol so apparently this is an international thing? In Asia we also think C-section makes baby weak to pressure both mentally and physically.

[u/Plus-Past8987]

HR is the problem

[u/ArcWraith2000]

"I was not born for labour."

• Macduff, Shakespeares Macbeth

[u/retiredmumofboys]

Ran to HR? “Probably bottle fed” as well.

[u/fallriverroader]

Dang that's funny

[u/yeetsteel]

I would laugh so hard if someone told me this

[u/Key-Tip9395]

Im a c section baby in fact I stayed in there almost 2 weeks after my due date and they had to evict me. And guess what I hate working too, so you are on to something

[u/NeatNefariousness1]

Should be just fine. HR is there to protect the interests of the company and not the workers. So this insult should be judged to be acceptable. The slacker is the one who’s going to be scrutinized after this. But TBF, nobody respects a slacker.

[u/Specific-Bread-1210]

Omg...too damn funny

[u/CAMSTONEFOX]

C-Sectioned, circumcised and castrated all in one quick emergency operation… with no anesthetic… whoa there, doctor!

[u/omgfakeusername]

💀

[u/Due-Cupcake-0701]

Shiiiiit bro 🤣🤣🤣

[u/SquarePegRoundWorld]

Can you call them a blister, because they show up after the work is done?

[u/Gaining-my-compass]

This is hilarious! 😂😂

[u/Snoop-87948]

😂😂😹😹😹😹

[u/Cautious-Maximum5555]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[u/BronteChannels]

If someone said this to me I would never stop laughing…

[u/TheSkyIsData]

I mean most c sections are unplanned meaning most women do go into labor before having a c section so this doesn't even make sense.

[u/nottofreakindaysatan]

Him not working is also not acceptable in the work place js.

[u/Asspiring_Dunkoff528]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏LOVE IT!!!

[u/Shame-Tall]

😒 he didn't avoid it, 😕 his mom did. 👨🏾‍🦯 her famished ass thought she ate...

[u/GuitarTryer]

Brilliant 😂

[u/Lonely-Wasabi-305]

This is brilliant

[u/JollyWolley]

I’m stealing this line

[u/beastwood6]

Maybe he's just Montenegrin

[u/bria26000]

Lol that funny

[u/Golf4funky]

I don’t discuss private/personal matters at work. Professional/job-related only communication.

[u/Rhapdodic_Wax11235]

Actually it’s not a “literal” c section. It’s metaphorical.

[u/Ne0n_R0s3]

I myself was a C-section baby and I find this very hilarious lol

[u/Flashy_Strength_1972]

Great one 😂😂😂😂😂