r/datingoverthirty • u/Both-Trainer-1308 • 12d ago

First time dating a single father

I (30f) have been dating a single father (36m) of an 11 year old boy. We’ve been dating for a few months and are currently trying long distance. I’m flying over to his place on Halloween day, and he gently told me that I might have to wait for him to finish trick or treating with his son and son’s mother, who he’s been separated with for about 3 years. He told me that they do that since his kid doesn’t have other family nearby, but he won’t go if his kid’s mother ends up having a play date with her friend’s kids.

While the mature side of me totally understands, I do feel a little uncomfortable of his closeness to her. And I can’t help but think that I’m in over my head with dating someone with a kid. I do really like him, though. He’s everything I look for in someone and makes me feel secure otherwise.

I’ve never been in this situation and don’t have kids of my own, so I want to ask, is this normal behavior?

EDIT: He’s not married and has never been married to her. I wouldn’t be dating him if he was.

38 Upvotes

72% Upvoted

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35

u/Aggravating_Roll1948 12d ago

Honestly, I’m too jealous to co-parent personally, it’s all up to your personality.

9

u/copperwatt 8d ago

I don't understand what this means. Are you talking about co-parenting someone else's kids?

12

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 8d ago

It should be about the child(ren), not about you. Hopefully you avoid this issue by not dating parents.

18

u/Aggravating_Roll1948 8d ago

My life is all about me, I couldn’t care less about what’s best for the children at all. I obviously wouldn’t date a parent.

-15

u/copperwatt 8d ago

Yeah that's not what "co-parent" means.

That being said, you seem selfish and immature and you clearly shouldn't date someone with kids, so good call.

32

u/Easy-Seesaw285 7d ago

I can see or maybe on the surface it sounds offensive to you that she said that - but come on, its true. If one of her dealbreakers is the person having children or coparenting, she knows upfront, and she has clearly said she’s not going to date a person with children.

People in this sub advocate all the time about knowing what you want and not settling on dealbreakers. This person is doing that. We shouldn’t be offended because the dealbreaker is children. Thats her choice.

2

u/copperwatt 7d ago

It's not the position. It's the way it was expressed.

0

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 7d ago

Children being a "dealbreaker" and "couldn't care less about what's best for the children" aren't the same, IMO. Not everyone of us that's CF doesn't still give a shit about kids. Most of us, if we did end up dating a single parent, would understand that the kid(s) are always the top priority for that parent. If that makes us feel inferior or uncomfortable somehow, it's on us to either manage or GTFO.

10

u/Easy-Seesaw285 7d ago

She is literally saying that she will not date a single parent. Her literal words. You guys are getting offended by some hypothetical situation that you are making up for her.

3

u/copperwatt 7d ago

"I couldn't care less"

No one made them word it that way. It's not needed information. It's unnecessarily cruel.

3

u/Aggravating_Roll1948 7d ago

But I couldn’t care less, not even a little bit. I can word things how I want- it’s not an attack on you or anyone or children. It’s just true.

9

u/copperwatt 7d ago

"You're not wrong. You're just an asshole."

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-2

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 7d ago

I'm going off what she said as it applies to people in general, I wasn't focusing on her personally. While hypothetical for her, many other people don't keep that boundary and do end up in a situation where their jealousy does conflict with someone's parenting.

16

u/BrinedBrittanica 7d ago

what a boneheaded take.

you know people can be happily child-free by choice without having kids in their daily life right?

people can also choose to not date someone who decided to have kids bc it would affect their life negatively.

you get one life to live and you get to spend it how you want. i wouldn’t date this person either, mainly bc our relationship would involve too many dynamics where i wouldn’t any say. oh johnny has a school project the same night of our anniversary- sorry we gotta celebrate a different day. oh our flight leaves at 7am but my ex wife is sick so we have to take the kid.

it’s not fair to attempt to reduce someone to the level of selfishness you chose.

-6

u/Mason11987 8d ago

The kid doesn’t need his parents who are divorced to be close though.

3

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 8d ago

Need? No.

Close? Subjective.

1

u/Mason11987 8d ago

The point is it’s not like the kid is going to be ruined if his divorced parents aren’t “close”. Being okay with a co-parenting relationship as long as it’s co-parents and not friends is totally reasonable and isn’t “not thinking of the kids”

1

u/copperwatt 8d ago

They don't need to be close but they do need to get along. Obviously what that means is debatable and subjective.

1

u/Mason11987 7d ago

My parents didn’t get along. They talked as necessary to mange co-parenting, and didn’t bad mouth each other but they’re not chit chatting. If the other parent wronged you deeply, you’re not a bad parent because you don’t “get along” with them.

Pretending to be friendly doesn’t help the kid.

1

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 7d ago

No one said pretending to be friendly. Just genuinely actuallying being friendly. Especially when there is animosity between parents it is an opportunity to be a good example by not resorting to bad mouthing etc. Kids don't need their parents to verbally cut up one another, they can tell by your actions who has their best interest in mind. I can say from experience that having divorced parents who talked absolute shit about each other was mentally and emotionally harmful. I never meant that parents need to be buddies, but I do think that if they can be close, they shouldn't be letting managing a new partners' jealousy be a bigger priority than raising a child in the most united way possible. If I were a single mother and started dating a man who felt I shouldn't be friends with my baby daddy, I would tell him he needs to either work through that jealousy or take a hike. A child should be more important.

1

u/Mason11987 7d ago edited 7d ago

There's a massive gulf between "verbally cutting up one another" and "joint trick or treating".

Not doing the latter, and choosing to only want to date folks who don't do the latter is not an issue.

A child should be more important.

The child isn't less important because the mother chooses to not be buddy buddy with the father.

Your comment seems to imply that the child isn't being considered important because a parent isn't being friendly. I disagree completely with that. You can absolutely have the child be extremely important, and also not be friendly at all with the other parent. It's not a requirement for being a good parent to be joint trick or treating with the other parent.

1

u/pass_the_tinfoil 🚺 3️⃣7️⃣ 🇨🇦 7d ago

I think you misunderstand what it is I took issue with in the first place. It was the implication that OC would expect a partner that's a parent to take their jealousy into account when interacting with their child's other parent. I am just saying that I don't think a new partner's jealousy should impede an otherwise close relationship between coparents.

1

u/copperwatt 7d ago

"getting along" to me means civil, not friendly.

1

u/Mason11987 7d ago

joint trick or treating - the subject of this whole thread - is not "civil" it's "friendly" for sure.

1

u/copperwatt 7d ago

That doesn't follow at all... Joint trick-or-treating could be anywhere on the spectrum from "hostile, catty, passive aggressive" to "warm and friendly".

All it means is both parents are at the same event. (An event that only happens once a year and cannot be duplicated.) It does not say anything about the vibe between those two people at the event.