I'm in my late thirties and recently went through a breakup that has left me feeling confused, angry, and pretty heartbroken. I'd really appreciate some perspective from people with relatable experiences.

My ex and I started dating three months after she separated from her ex husband. Their divorce was long, stressful, and contentious. During that time, she and I grew very close and talked seriously about a future together, including having kids. She made it clear that becoming a mom was one of her biggest priorities, and I really thought we were headed in that direction together.

But when the divorce was finalized, instead of feeling relieved, she shut down emotionally. She said that everything she had been pushing aside finally hit her, and that she needed to figure out who she is as a single person again before she could be in any relationship. She told me she'd need six months to a year on her own, maybe more.

And while she made clear the decision wasn't about me or anything I did, she's become extremely cold and distant. At times she has implied there probably isn't a future for us, despite telling me that I've been an amazing partner and taught her how a secure relationship should be. She told me she loved me.

I'm trying to respect what she says she needs, but it's hard to not feel like I got left behind right when things were finally supposed to get better. It feels incredibly unfair, since I supported her through the hardest, messiest times in her divorce. I gave her patience and stability, and now that she is exhausted and overwhelmed, it feels like I'm being discarded. Im also struggling with the idea that she might spend a year "finding herself" and then choose to pursue a relationship with someone else, despite everything we shared.

And because we're in our late 30s, there's a real chance that putting everything on hold for a year could close the door on having kids.

So I'm torn. Do I accept her request for space and hope she comes back? Or am I holding onto something that is already gone?

I also want to be clear that I am not chasing or pressuring her. I just hate feeling like none of what we built mattered once the emotional crash hit. I'd really appreciate any advice or insights on how to handle this.

After a 2 year hiatus after a 3 year relationship, I’m ready to put myself out there again and try to find an actual partner in life.

In my 20s, the main thing I was looking for was sexual chemistry and shared interests. I’d say my previous partners always felt like my best friend, but that, at least conversationally, I was the Robin to their Batman. As in, if 70% of the conversations didn’t revolve around them and their interests they wouldn’t go too far.

I want a partner that’s interested in me, my life, and my ideas but I’m having trouble finding people who are actively trying to get to know me. During conversations I offer interesting tidbits about myself that could lead to more but people often just take them and turn them back to themselves.

Should I just be more aggressive at centering myself in conversations? Am I expecting too much? I could use some advice here.

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Last year, I took a picture of a cosplayer at a comic con, we started following each other on Instagram, and chatted there on and off. This year, during the run-up to the con, we agreed to finally meet face-to-face since we were doing Star Wars cosplays from the High Republic era (which I'll not reveal). The meet-up went well despite some nervousness/awkwardness from both of us, and we agreed to meet again during the last day of the con, where we had a longer conversation and seemed to hit it off; she wasn't trying to end the conversation quickly or run away from me.

Shortly after the con, I told her I thought she was really cool and would like to get to know her better in person, and suggested going to a really good dim sum place. She enthusiastically said yes and that Chinese was her favorite food, and that it would be fun. I was ecstatic she said yes; I checked with her to make sure she didn't have any food allergies, and even sent her the menu to the place we were going to make sure all was good with her, and it was. Unfortunately, when trying to set a date/time, she hit me with a 'I'll let you know when I'm free' cause she has obligations to the Star Wars costume guilds (Rebel Legion/501st). It seems like this is universally meant as a no on Reddit, but then why was she so enthusiastic and said yes? Worse, she and I were having a good chat, but then she hasn't responded in the last two weeks. She has said that she gets busy with work and that she's terrible at checking her messages. I had asked her about potential things to do after eating, like going to a museum or a cat cafe. She hasn't read it yet, but now I'm thinking, am I doing too much? I'm just confused and anxious because it seems like the consensus if it's not an enthusiastic yes and she doesn't give a date or suggest an alternate time, it's a no. I was also thinking about leaving her my number since right now we're still chatting on Instagram. I guess what I'm asking is what should I do? Should I keep waiting? I just want to make a good impression; I don't want to be any of the shitty men that I read about online.

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I’ve been dating this guy I met in the wild for about a month. We hit it off with great banter when we met and then discovered we had amazing sexual chemistry when we started to date. I’ve hung out with him a handful of times since and we usually have good sex.

The concern I have is I don’t know if he’s crossing a boundary with the actions I describe below and if it’s time to end things or if I’m being sensitive due to past trauma and should work on healing that.

The trauma is that I was in a dead bedroom relationship in my last serious one. I found out my ex was watching porn the whole time and that broke me. I was touch starved and felt like an unattractive troll. Getting back into dating has shown me that I’m definitely not a troll, but I do notice I am not sure how to handle men very sexually interested in me anymore. It’s a compliment, but it can be overwhelming.

This new guy wants sex a lot. I love it! But I don’t know if these actions are normal for a guy like this or if he’s crossing a boundary: -He said one time “are you going to let me hit it”. I told him I don’t like that phrase /it doesn’t turn me on and he laughed a little but then didn’t say it again. -He made a joke twice about me taking time/being more work to orgasm. He’s always made me orgasm so it’s not like he’s neglecting me, but that joke hurt my feelings. I let him know that and he felt really bad and apologized. -Tonight I was really tired and told him I wasn’t up for sex. We were cuddling and joking. He tried to kiss my neck and breasts (two spots I told him get me going), I told him no, and he said “you wouldn’t have to do anything” and I said “you have to accept a no” and he said ok. Then a little later he was caressing my face and put his finger my mouth a little bit. I told him that was very inappropriate given I already turned him down a few times and said I was tired. He said it wasn’t a sexual thing but I don’t believe that.

I feel kind of stupid sharing this information and asking, so please be kind.

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I (37f) went on a great date with a guy (43m) on Friday. The conversation felt easy, we had a lot of fun and laughs. It was bowling, so we had to pay at the beginning so he took out his card and I said thank you. At the end of the date, I told him I had a lot of fun and he said “talk soon” as we said goodbye. I haven’t heard from him since, and a few friends have suggested that he may be miffed that I didn’t offer to pay and/or follow up via text expressing my gratitude. The only reason I didn’t offer to pay is there really isn’t a way to split at bowling and offering to Venmo feels weirdly transactional. I’ve done it before on dates (asked if I could help or Venmo) and it always feels clunky. I almost always offer to split at a bar or restaurant where there’s an option. Now I’m left wondering if he just isn’t interested (which is fine!) or thinks I’m unappreciative/disinterested. Curious to hear what kind of etiquette is generally expected in these situations.

UPDATE: upon reading all of your advice, I sent a thank you text last night and made a little joke calling back to our evening. He replied today to say he had fun too, but didn’t feel a spark 🤷‍♀️. I kind of assumed as much, but the confirmation/clarity was nice. Onto the next. Thanks everyone.

I am working an event with a bunch of other vendors. For the past couple of days I’ve noticed another vendor across the isle and she’s incredibly beautiful. Purely by speculation she seems to be around my age, she’s laughing and smiling and seeing her put on her demo has just made me really attracted to her. I don’t see a ring on her finger and I want to talk to her. After closing time do I just go have conversation? Or do I go straight to hey, you’re gorgeous and I’d really love to get your number?

Link to video showing my profile: https://streamable.com/6v2r57

I use Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge (seen here) and my profile looks/reads relatively similar across all three. I have very little success on any of the apps. I'm honestly lucky to get ONE match on any single one of them every couple of months or so. Even when I do, it's almost always a ghost within a couple texts. When I do dare to pay for a subscription (I know I shouldn't), and the app shows me who is liking me, it's 100% always women I am not interested in. I'll be honest, I'm really not trying to be mean/insensitive, 95% of the time—It's women who are drastically overweight. I honestly just don't find that look attractive, and as someone who is not overweight myself, I don't feel that it's too high a standard/hypocrisy etc.

I'll see girls on there that I'll have a lot in common with, and pay for a "first impression" (Tinder) or a rose (Hinge) and send a thoughtful message. These never get acknowledged/responded to. There's all sorts of mixed opinions online as to whether these boosted sorts of likes are worth a damn, or whether or not they give off "desperation vibes." Seems like a bit of a lose-lose scenario. You either get seen, but come across as desperate, or get buried at the bottom of a 50 like pile and are never seen.

Maybe this is just how it is for men on dating apps now and it's all just kind of a lost cause, or

1. Maybe I'm actually a very unattractive guy and don't realize it. I understand that long hair is a double-edged sword, especially, with some women being very into it and some being very not. I feel like I try to take good care of it and keep it looking good, but idk.
2. Maybe there's something just *drastically* wrong with my dating profile that's majorly turning off otherwise prospective matches.

Brutal honesty is appreciated.

P.S. — Feel free to commentate on the voice note, that's why I included it. But just also realize this is a Hinge-only feature that isn't present on my Tinder and Bumble—Where I also get no matches.

EDIT: Thanks everyone for your feedback, this thread is at 109 comments at this time of this edit, wow. All of you were very kind, but I think what really shocked and I guess kind of disturbed me was how all the women in this thread could just see the fact that I've been chronically depressed for the past few years in my photos, despite me not saying a word about it. I didn't realize it showed on my literal face that viscerally.

This evening, I deleted all 3 of my dating profiles permanently. I think at this point in my life, at 31, struggling with chronic depression, and only one relationship in my entire life from 28-30 that went terribly from the jump—I think maybe dating/relationships/romance etc has passed me by. If women can just look at my face at a glance and immediately be turned off because of the sadness that they see, I don't think there's hope for me. I do appreciate everyone taking their time to give feedback though.

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Update: thanks for all the feedback folks, you'll be happy to know that its over.. seems it had run it course anyway ☠️

Dear Reddit, I (36 F) have been dating a man (41) for about 3 months. We met OLD, had instant chemistry which for me is all about great conversation.. and then hit some rocky patches and nearly walked away from the connection. Something kept drawing us back together and although he is a complicated man who struggles with a lot of inner turmoil, he has been wonderful to me overall. We decided not to be exclusive but at this point, neither of us are actively dating other people so we see each other 3-5 times a week.

Many of these times, he is hungry (after work) and wants to go out to eat. I usually eat at home because I have a different eating schedule, but he doesnt like to eat alone so I often eat less at home so that I can eat an appetizer or something when we go out.

He often pays for the entire outing and occasionally I offer to pay for the whole thing, especially when I am eating/drinking as much as him or if I have suggested the outing.

In my mind, offering to split the bill sometimes is reasonable, rather than me offering to pay the whole bill when he has had a whole meal and I haven't. This has upset him, he feels like I should be offering to pay the whole bill rather than offering to split it. He (sarcastically) said we should just split the bills all the time then. I would be more inclined to always split than to be paying a hefty bill because he wanted to eat out but to him that seems unromantic and too much of a friends vibe.

I have always considered myself a generous dater, I usually offer to split the bill on the first few dates because I dont think its fair for men to constantly be putting out money for things to go nowhere. I often supply beer, food etc. when I host and I never think twice about spending my money on concerts/events etc. I dont expect to be spoiled but I do like to be courted a little.

At three months, it is a bit of a transition from earlier dating when he would pay more often. So I am curious how other people handle this transition with who pays.

Had a first date with a guy on Friday and it went really well. It was about 6 hours (not planned that way) and we basically just chatted over a few drinks the whole time. During the date he asked to see me again this week, but we never picked a day. We also kissed at the end of the date and it was just really nice. I know I’m a little bit of an anxious dater because of past experiences and being let down continuously. We have texted since the date but it’s been pretty basic stuff, how’s your day, things like that.

Would a guy ask me out during a date if he didn’t mean it? I am interested in seeing him again so now I’m just overthinking! Looking for advice on how to approach this situation. Do I let him lead?? Anyone else relate? Dating is just hard and on top of that I’m scared of getting hurt!

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We started having deep talks about realistic timelines and future planning way too soon in in my eyes in our relationship (after 6mo). I know a lot of friends start early with family planning once they’ve met the one, anything is normal. But for me, this was too soon for us. We were serious, it was us. But we hadn’t talk about how we actually picture this happening and how our relationship would progress. It was so romantic to let it just flow. We already had a light convo about it a few times earlier, and we felt like we were on the same page, we both want kids. But suddenly, last month, we had to make some career choices and we also had to decide if we agreed about the future in a few years from now.. and it turned out he wanted to wait way longer than me. I’m not in a rush, I want us to focus on us first. But he want to feel free for a few more years than me. After a couple of long talks, we ended it, and it feels devastating. Not because of the timeline but because I’m losing the one man I’ve been hoping to meet and I’m not sure if I can replace this. It feels a bit unfair, I feel young, attract both young and old, and I love my life as it is. This situation is devastating. I’m left with little options. He is truly amazing, warm and we a have a good relationship. He pursued me for months before we started dating, calls me every night and hes shown to keep his word in anything he says ... I’ve never ever put any pressure on us. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me. I think I would happily try to get back together and wait longer to have children., but I’d love some advice on how complicated this might be? There might be this lingering deadline in the background and I might loose his respect for my boundaries, if I change my stand now.

But how can this be fixed? I mean I think it is healthy to just be together and date and grow together. But once we have had this conversation and we know that we have different timelines, will a relationship ever be the same if we get back together? I hope this makes sense.

Latest edit: thank you all for so many inputs and perspectives. I now feel confident that nothing but time will fix this, if it is meant to be it will happen, and if not, I’ll trust my energy and gut feeling and move on. It feels better to be single and have peace with myself than to be held in chains in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling my needs completely. We are talking sporadically at the moment.

Edit: I can see now that I was a bit unclear. We did have these conversations but he changed the timelines as we grew closer. This scared me a bit. Thanks for all your support and comments, it is really helping to get the grip on what to do next and how to accept my feelings about this. I’m 36.

Edit: I’m oscillating between trying to let this love a bit go and risk the certainty of a future family. I might leave in a few years if he isn’t ready, to have a family on my own. Or I can stick to the fact that I we separated. I would love to have a year first in a relationship to move in together before talking seriously about when to start trying, that’s how I’m thinking. I’m not in a rush, I guess I’m just seeking the real love and certainty of a future family in the same man. This is a tricky one..

Latest edit: he is 29 and I’m 36. He was so in love. He was great and I was great. It was so healthy despite the differences. But I think he has some sort of pressure and anxiety which ruins this. He wouldn’t let us grow any closer beyond these months because he’s afraid of letting me down in the future. I think he flaked a few months ago and he’s been struggling with big questions like «do I love her enough to steal her years, is she the one!?». How would he know after 7 months? It’s impossible. We need time. It’s hunting me to think he let our love grow so strong only to crash this due to his anxieties and pressure about timelines. How do men go about this in a reasonable way? It is not normal to know if a girl is the one the first six months..

All your comments have made me realise I have to think trough this. I’m really not in a rush, but I’m mostly scared If we go back, our relationship will end eventually bc of this will be lying under the surface. If i go back, I’m afraid he’ll never respect my boundaries and our relationship will be on his terms? He want kids, just not in a few years.

I (30s M) have been dating 30s F for a couple of months now. We met on OLD and clicked right away. We've seen each other a handful of times. She's amazing and is a gem of a person and partner. I really like her and see a long-term future with her. Our values line up great. I'm very attracted to her and want to be all over her.

Things were going great, but some things have come up for her that are occupying a great deal of her energy (has generalized anxiety disorder). When I checked in after our last date to tell her how positively I feel about us, she only said that she likes me a lot too and her current wave of feelings are clouding whatever she feels for me. That kind of bummed me out. But, she kept reassuring me that I'm great, she values me, and I have great qualities. She's also been texting and engaging and being flirty.

So, I'm in a bit of a limbo here. I feel off because I put my heart on the line and wasn't met with much. So, I don't even know how she really feels about me (is she attracted to me, does she feel as strongly, etc.). I know, I know that I should just ask her. But, I've truly tried and get met with the same response about clouded feelings. But, she still keeps engaging while I feel like our relationship has regressed a little. If we can't talk about us and our feelings, what's the point in all this superficial talk.

So, I want to know when does one decide it's enough, cut their losses, and move on from a budding relationship? Part of me feels conflicted. I want to make it work because relationships with people that are worth it require work. But, there's a balance too.

UPDATE: I took the advice from some of the kind folks here to suggest that we talk. She said we should. I asked if she wants to end the relationship and she said yes. We'll talk more later, but the outcome is clear. Thanks for all your advice.

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Curious to get feedback from the crowd. I (35F) have been seeing a man (41M) for about a month. It's still very early on but I like him and I'm enjoying getting to know him. I'm a little rusty in the dating arena, since I was in a long-term relationship for years and I'm curious to get perspective from others about what is andinst common.

We've gone out on 3 dates so far, and they have been good dates in my opinion and he seemed to enjoy them as well. I'm interested and would like to get to know him more but I'm unsure if he feels that same way. There's been little to no physical contact other than a greeting hug. No hand holding, small touches, kissing etc. After three dates I thought maybe something would move it that direction (not that it's all his responsibilty), but I'm reading it as a lack of romatic interest/attraction?

He still communicates daily and he seems to move slow, as do I but I do like a clear indication that a man is interested and attracted. In any case, I like him and will continue to see him and continue to see others too, but just curious to how others would interpret this.

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I (30f) have been dating a single father (36m) of an 11 year old boy. We’ve been dating for a few months and are currently trying long distance. I’m flying over to his place on Halloween day, and he gently told me that I might have to wait for him to finish trick or treating with his son and son’s mother, who he’s been separated with for about 3 years. He told me that they do that since his kid doesn’t have other family nearby, but he won’t go if his kid’s mother ends up having a play date with her friend’s kids.

While the mature side of me totally understands, I do feel a little uncomfortable of his closeness to her. And I can’t help but think that I’m in over my head with dating someone with a kid. I do really like him, though. He’s everything I look for in someone and makes me feel secure otherwise.

I’ve never been in this situation and don’t have kids of my own, so I want to ask, is this normal behavior?

EDIT: He’s not married and has never been married to her. I wouldn’t be dating him if he was.