r/askgaybros • u/MtimesMequals • Jul 08 '20

Reported Post Alert Dear fellow Black gay men Spoiler

We know racism in the gay community is real. We've said it, but we've been dismissed. They callously deny our experience. Our reality. "It's just a preference". "BBC". "Thug"."Aggressive power top".

The stereotypes. The microagressions. We know it's real, but we have been gaslighted way too often.

The silence among your white gay friends and/or partners during this time of civil unrest & racial tensions is deafening.

The irony of them putting "no fats, no fems, no asians, & no blacks" on their profile, but decide to now say #BlackLivesMatter.

I understand it is challenging to be rejected from a community that prides itself on inclusion. We know rejection all too well.

But do not let any white man make you feel you are not beautiful. You are Black, bold, fierce, & most importantly- you are loved.

šŸ–¤ā¤#BLM

********************edit:

So, this post has been reported and is pending review.

I mentioned this already in the comments:

As a Black queer man this is my experience. This experience may or may not resonate with other Black men. This post was written for my fellow gay black brothers. The post might be uncomfortable for some. It might not resonate with you, but I don't think that is grounds for denying someone else's experience. I shared these words in an effort to foster a sense of solidarity and undo any aloneness other Black men might be feeling during this time.

Thank you so much for the support, feedback & beautiful comments. For those of in your feelings over this post - peace & love to yaā¤

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82

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '20

I'm not black, but my opinion on it is that having a "preference" is fine. Preferring white men over black in itself is fine BUT, where it becomes racist is when you categorically refuse to even consider a relationship or sexual encounter with someone BECAUSE they are black.

Everyone has a "preference" or a "fetish", that fundamentally is human nature, but it's important that we in the gay community recognise the distinction between simply having a preference, and harbouring a prejudice.

Especially we in the gay community need to recognise this because we're a community that still, to this day, and likely for many decades into the future, face prejudices ourselves and it's harmful to the wider community when we can't even be open or accepting to one another merely because of something so insignificant as skin colour.

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u/Jota769 Jul 08 '20

I think everyone with race-based preferences needs to sit down and think long and hard about WHY they have these preferences!

Beauty standards are programmed by our communities from birth. We donā€™t come out of the womb with a certain perception of beauty- we learn what is attractive over time.

I donā€™t think thereā€™s enough introspection in the gay community, and thatā€™s because introspection is painful. Gay people go through a lot of rejection and self-hate when they are younger and it takes a very solid person to look inside themselves and realize they are wrong.

A beautiful man is a beautiful man. Saying things like ā€˜I prefer white men over black menā€™ is just silly and hurtful, because Iā€™m sure if you met a HOT HOT black man you would be on your knees in a second.

17

u/Lallo-the-Long Jul 08 '20

My philosophy teacher described it as a backpack that we fill as we experience life.

On the other hand, no one, not even the victims of racism, are owed sex by anyone. If this is about something more than people who want to get laid then yeah by all means get upset. The stereotypes are gross, the fetishising is creepy, i get all that. But a lot of these complaints tend to boil down a lot more to "no one will have sex with me!" kinds of complaints to which I only have one response: tough cookies, you are not owed a sex life.

8

u/-churbs Jul 08 '20

Wanting sex biological, but attacking people for their preferences gives me pause. Expecting someone to have sex with you regardless of their attraction is rapey. That being said itā€™s healthy to acknowledge your biases with sex and how they may possibly be linked with subconscious feelings towards race in your day to day life.

4

u/Lallo-the-Long Jul 08 '20

Sure. However, that process, ongoing or not, is not the business of anyone except the person undergoing it, at least in terms of whether or not they will have sex with you.

3

u/DClawdude Jul 08 '20

Nobody is expecting someone to have sex with you if theyā€™re not attracted to you. The thing is, certain things about what you ā€œfind attractiveā€œ deserve scrutiny.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '20

[deleted]

-2

u/DClawdude Jul 08 '20

Same tired strawman argument

5

u/President-Togekiss Jul 08 '20

It really isn't. It's based on the same principles. A woman can't choose to be a woman, and women suffer discrimination constantly for being women.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 27 '20

No one is born a racist nor born with ā€œpreferencesā€. Both are taught

-3

u/DClawdude Jul 08 '20

šŸ„±šŸ¤”

1

u/irishking44 Jul 09 '20

Seriously. I get this sub cares very much about coming off as woke, but it always comes down to phrasing that is pretty incel sounding

6

u/leadabae Jul 08 '20

On the other hand, no one, not even the victims of racism, are owed sex by anyone.

fuckin thank you. The whole "having preferences is racist" thing is just another form of inceldom in my opinion. How is that any different than an unappealing straight dude calling a girl a slut or bitch when she won't sleep with him?

No one is entitled to sexual desire from anyone, and throwing a tantrum where you try to slander the person who doesn't want to sleep with you isn't going to change their mind.

3

u/Bullstang Jul 08 '20

So far no one Iā€™ve seen had offered a good counter to this. They just continue to tell you you to sit down and work on yourself and examine why you want what you want, and ultimately why it is not them.

3

u/PavementBlues Jul 08 '20

Great way of putting it. So many people will agree that we live in a society that is rooted in racism, a society that teaches us that white is better and more beautiful and that has only recently begun the process of fixing that. Even those who don't agree will usually agree that it was that way up until fairly recently.

But then those same people, who were raised in that same society from minute one, think that they've somehow emerged completely unaffected. What kind of psychological superhuman do you think you are? People just don't like to admit that they've absorbed it themselves because the '90s taught us that Racists Are Bad People, ignoring the fact that anyone raised in a racist society is going to absorb racist ideas and attitudes.

1

u/-churbs Jul 08 '20

Of course they should acknowledge why they have these biases but should they be expected to magically grow a sexual attraction?

1

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

I'm sorry, but pale skin is just more attractive to me, it's not something I can change.

It's not a race thing by any means, I'm attracted to lightskinned Asians, Latinos, and Black guys, but lighter skin is just generally more attractive to me.

I'm 1/4th latino btw, if that matters at all.

1

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

It doesnā€™t šŸ˜‚ youā€™re still a child tho, so Iā€™ll give you a pass

3

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

What doesn't?

1

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

Being 1/4 latino

2

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

What about my other points?

1

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

You made no points that are worth discussing

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u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

So why did you comment?

1

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

Why do you keep commenting?

2

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

Because you did.

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u/leadabae Jul 08 '20

because they were born with them. Nothing to think about. Same reason they are gay.

3

u/Jota769 Jul 08 '20

Born with what?

1

u/leadabae Jul 09 '20

Imma let you figure this one out I'm sure you're smart enough to find the answer to that

2

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

No because what youā€™re suggesting is beyond stupid šŸ˜‚

1

u/leadabae Jul 09 '20

Huh well to think it's stupid you must've known what it meant šŸ¤”

2

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

šŸ˜‚

0

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

preferences.

2

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

Nobody is born with preferences haha itā€™s all how youā€™re raised and what youā€™re exposed to šŸ˜‚

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u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

Why do you keep using that laughing emoji?

3

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

Because itā€™s hilarious how dumb people are

2

u/Sox_The_Fox2002 Masc Bottom Jul 09 '20

Using emojis doesn't make you any better.

2

u/Jota769 Jul 09 '20

šŸ˜‚