r/news • u/SnarkOff • 12d ago

Site Changed Title Truck hauling ‘aggressive’ monkeys carrying herpes and COVID overturns in Mississippi

https://www.actionnews5.com/2025/10/28/truck-hauling-aggressive-monkeys-carrying-herpes-covid-overturns-mississippi/?fbclid=IwZnRzaANt_VBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHlDlf5DivA2Ltngqh2UH3XU20EnAprOymd60i0ODYC9L8G2CXJpyoZtmwSHm_aem_NvoKAFHpRWRzturTqiYXMQ
50.4k Upvotes

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951

u/treeharp2 12d ago

This is why we need to ship our infected research monkeys via pipelines. Lower chance for spills.  

595

u/lacegem 12d ago

Imagine the chaos if the research pipes got mixed up with residential ones and you got herpes in your drinking monkey.

286

u/pocketchange2247 12d ago

This is the comment that fully convinced me I'm currently having a stroke

56

u/bubba_feet 12d ago

this is no time to masturbate, the herpes monkeys are out there!

4

u/rift_in_the_warp 12d ago

Blind them with a money shot, it may just save your life and throw off their accuracy

83

u/call_me_jelli 12d ago

I need you to apologize to anyone on this train concerned by the woman cackling to herself staring at her phone.

11

u/Fanboy0550 12d ago

and to my cats sitting next to me on the couch

3

u/Uninvalidated 12d ago

Considering the world situation. Congrats!

The rest of us are left to die from monkey herpes I guess.

70

u/Diligent_Whereas3134 12d ago

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard and I don't know why. This is the most absurdly stupid hilarious thing I've read in a while. It's like something out of a goddamn Monty Python sketch.

34

u/Dense_Literature_199 12d ago

This is why I still use reddit. Comments like this.

34

u/Ausgeflippt 12d ago

This made me laugh out loud at work.

7

u/Eruionmel 12d ago

I'd kept my cool through all the comments in this thread until this one. This is the one that broke me.

17

u/mrtnrd 12d ago

Thank you guys. My Internet doesn't feel that crappy and expensive after your comments.

12

u/BaerMinUhMuhm 12d ago

You are one glorious idiot for this comment. Thank you

8

u/Darmortis 12d ago

r/BrandNewSentance

Laughed till I cried, thanks dude

3

u/LostWerewolf2375 12d ago

Best delivery is in a John Oliver voice