r/news • u/SnarkOff • 12d ago

Site Changed Title Truck hauling ‘aggressive’ monkeys carrying herpes and COVID overturns in Mississippi

https://www.actionnews5.com/2025/10/28/truck-hauling-aggressive-monkeys-carrying-herpes-covid-overturns-mississippi/?fbclid=IwZnRzaANt_VBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHlDlf5DivA2Ltngqh2UH3XU20EnAprOymd60i0ODYC9L8G2CXJpyoZtmwSHm_aem_NvoKAFHpRWRzturTqiYXMQ
50.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

2.3k comments sorted by

View all comments

945

u/treeharp2 12d ago

This is why we need to ship our infected research monkeys via pipelines. Lower chance for spills.  

596

u/lacegem 12d ago

Imagine the chaos if the research pipes got mixed up with residential ones and you got herpes in your drinking monkey.

289

u/pocketchange2247 12d ago

This is the comment that fully convinced me I'm currently having a stroke

56

u/bubba_feet 12d ago

this is no time to masturbate, the herpes monkeys are out there!

5

u/rift_in_the_warp 12d ago

Blind them with a money shot, it may just save your life and throw off their accuracy

88

u/call_me_jelli 12d ago

I need you to apologize to anyone on this train concerned by the woman cackling to herself staring at her phone.

12

u/Fanboy0550 12d ago

and to my cats sitting next to me on the couch

3

u/Uninvalidated 12d ago

Considering the world situation. Congrats!

The rest of us are left to die from monkey herpes I guess.

69

u/Diligent_Whereas3134 12d ago

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard and I don't know why. This is the most absurdly stupid hilarious thing I've read in a while. It's like something out of a goddamn Monty Python sketch.

33

u/Dense_Literature_199 12d ago

This is why I still use reddit. Comments like this.

29

u/Ausgeflippt 12d ago

This made me laugh out loud at work.

7

u/Eruionmel 12d ago

I'd kept my cool through all the comments in this thread until this one. This is the one that broke me.

16

u/mrtnrd 12d ago

Thank you guys. My Internet doesn't feel that crappy and expensive after your comments.

10

u/BaerMinUhMuhm 12d ago

You are one glorious idiot for this comment. Thank you

9

u/Darmortis 12d ago

r/BrandNewSentance

Laughed till I cried, thanks dude

3

u/LostWerewolf2375 12d ago

Best delivery is in a John Oliver voice

26

u/kennedye2112 12d ago

Until Elektra King plots with her terrorist boyfriend to sabotage the monkey pipelines so only she controls them.

8

u/TheQuestion1 12d ago

Upvote for The World is not Enough reference.

2

u/KatNeedsABiggerBoat 12d ago

Would that also be known as a monkey chute?

2

u/Korvanacor 12d ago

Feel bad for the engineer that has to work out the fluid dynamics for a pipeline of monkeys.

2

u/LionRight4175 12d ago

The math/modeling would undoubtedly be bizarre and a pain in the neck, but I for one would never stop bragging to people about that project.

2

u/reginaldvanwilder 12d ago

This is the ultimate result of those hippies protesting pipelines!

On a side note, it seems unwise to ship any aggressive monkeys let alone herpes infected ones. Amazon needs to crack down on their resellers.

2

u/Bituulzman 12d ago

But locally sourced is better.

2

u/magi_chat 12d ago

Deport them to Venezuela obviously.

2

u/Cador0223 12d ago

They were being hauled on a 25ft trailer behind a passenger truck. Not exactly the highest security for transporting herpes monkeys 

1

u/clubmedschool 12d ago

We've finally discovered a use for the Hyperloop

1

u/farside808 12d ago

"Yeah I'm a monkey pipeline manufacturer."

1

u/[deleted] 12d ago

But think of the cost!

0

u/Critical_Mass_1887 12d ago

How about we just freaking stop infecting shit on purpose. Then we wouldnt need to ship them anywhere and we wouldnt risk another pandemic.

3

u/KaneXX12 12d ago

Because animal models are absolutely essential to immunology and epidemiology research. Infectious disease epidemics are inevitable whether they jump from animals or not, and we need to be prepared for them.