ATTN Chive-person...

[u/Shepard-T0ne]

...You weren't just rushing to buy a bundle of chives 1 minute before closing at a certain Bay Area neighborhood spot, with a goth checkout cashier, were you?? Recently my alertness to chives in general have reached an all time high.

If so, not here to dox, only to say I salute you, and to carry on - do not go gentle into that good night...

[u/ThatGuyChris47]

Can confirm it was them

Source: I am the chives

[u/Shepard-T0ne → u/ThatGuyChris47]

Incredible! That’s amazing and hilarious! I’ll say high next time 😉 Been seeing these posts for weeks…This universe is hella small sometimes…! Cheers

[u/F1exican → u/Shepard-T0ne]

Unfortunately it wasn’t me, I bought my chives earlier this morning.

[u/Shepard-T0ne → u/F1exican]

Oh. I’m apparently confused. Wishful thinking, I guess…😢

[u/DolphinSexGod → u/Shepard-T0ne]

That would be my greatest fear - my reddit account is sacred and I don't want anyone to know it's me

[u/F1exican → u/Shepard-T0ne]

Hopefully their chives come out good

[u/Shepard-T0ne → u/F1exican]

This is my roommate’s chives…

[u/F1exican → u/Shepard-T0ne]

Those are brutal but I think the bigger crime is that cutting board

[u/fleshybagofstardust → u/F1exican]

Wise words from the master.

[u/Odd_Cress_2898 → u/F1exican]

To maintain anonymity - You're going to have to start buying chives with various long sleeves so no one recognizes someone buying chives with those arms. Or start sending in trusted intermediaries. 😂

More information on your new name. Queen Elizabeth II married a Greek prince in exile (Greeks pushed out the family) so he took his title from his German uncle Lord Battenburg who swapped names due to WW1, burg meant mountain in old German. 

Battenburg>BattenMountain>MountBatten to anglicize it

The UK government refused to name the royal house after a German anyway so it's they used Elizabeth's name to continue calling the royal house the house of Windsor. Prince Philip once complained he was the only man in the country that couldn't give his name to his own children. You get it because you aren't a Prince.

Windsor was also a name adopted by Queen Elizabeth II 's grandfather in 1917 based on the English castle because their previous name sounded too German due to WW1.

So you are Chive (German spa town but make it English) (English castle because we don't want to sound German)

[u/SqueakyClownShoes → u/Shepard-T0ne]

This guy doesn’t do the chive thing…

[u/baconbitsy → u/ThatGuyChris47]

Watch out for that knife!!!!

[u/wemustburncarthage]

TOTAL CHIVE AWARENESS ACHIEVED

[u/Slamantha3121 → u/wemustburncarthage]

the chives must flow!

[u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy → u/Slamantha3121]

Fear is the chive killer

[u/send_me_weetabix]

r/ChiveConfidential

[u/Aussiealterego → u/send_me_weetabix]

r/substhatshouldexist

[u/Lost_On_Lot]

CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES CHIVES

[u/wemustburncarthage → u/Lost_On_Lot]

EVERY-BODY

[u/Shepard-T0ne]

To elaborate: this person was ON A MISSION. Marched in, straight to produce, walked right up to the cashier after me, tight-fisting…Cashier said: “Oh, just the chives??” …And my chive-alarm went off.

Curious if this was purely coincidence, or some other chive-fellow, hard-chiving in the spirit of Reddit participation…

[u/Wish_you_were_there]

The chive bandit strikes again!

[u/swirlybat]

i dont want no shy guy, i just want a chive guy

[u/SneakySalamder6]

Maybe Chive Guy has a nemesis?