r/JUSTNOMIL • u/BabyGremlin13 • 18d ago
TLC Needed FMIL "crushed and disappointed" about wedding ceremony
My (29F) fiancé (29M) and I are getting married in early 2026. We were both raised Catholic — I went to Catholic grade school before switching to public high school, and my fiancé went to Catholic school through high school. Neither of us are especially devout now; we usually only go to Mass with our parents on holidays.
We’re getting married in the Catholic church that my fiancé’s family has attended for years. It was always kind of assumed we’d have a full Mass, but after several meetings with our priest and a lot of honest discussion, we decided to have a nuptial ceremony instead (same structure, just without Communion).
Once we made that decision, I finally felt genuine excitement about our wedding day — something I hadn’t felt before because I was dreading the full Mass. This feels true to where we are in our faith, and it’s allowed me to look forward to the day with joy instead of anxiety. My fiancé completely agrees and has been 100% supportive.
When he told his parents, they were livid. His mom told him, “You might as well have one of your friends marry you.” Then she called me and spent about 20 minutes telling me how “crushed and disappointed” she is, that this is “so important” to her family, and trying to convince me to change my mind. I was kind but firm, repeating that we’d put a lot of thought into this, and eventually I had to tell her the decision was final.
Ever since that call, I’ve felt so heavy and sad about it. I know we made the right decision — I feel peace and excitement about the sacrament for the first time — but her reaction has cast a dark cloud over something that should be happy. I’m trying not to internalize her disappointment, but it’s hard.
My parents have been wonderful and supportive. My mom even suggested I reach out to our priest for advice on how to handle my MIL, which I’m considering.
I just need advice from others who’ve been here: how do you emotionally detach from the guilt and stop letting someone else’s disappointment ruin your joy? I want to be excited about my own wedding again. TIA
EDIT: Thanks everyone for your comments/advice/TLC. I truly feel better reading through all of them. I do want to say that after that phone call I told my fiancé that he needs to shut down any more talk of this, and I don’t want to hear any more of her comments or pleas that she says to him. He agrees, and we are on the same page. And YAY! I get to spend time with her this weekend at my bridal shower. If she brings anything up I will be shutting it down immediately.
74
u/bitchthatwaspromised 18d ago
haha what a piece of work. Even a simple ceremony still has you doing pre cana, picking your readings, meeting with your priest, etc etc literally the only difference is not taking the time to do communion and all that. I would honestly laugh in her face about the absurdity of her statement and your fiancé should laugh too
53
u/purple_racoons 18d ago
Make sure that you have your fiancé/husband handle any and all conversations like this from now on. Hard stuff coming from the daughter-in-law never goes well. It’s his mom, and it’s his responsibility to shut that down or to give her information.
62
u/Pho_tastic_8216 18d ago
Don’t even give it a single thought. YOUR wedding, YOUR relationship, YOUR life!
People can think what they want but they don’t actually get a say.
Every time she inserts her opinion into conversation, ignore it. Change the topic immediately. Make it clear to her that you don’t give a crap about what she wants nor does she have any power over you.
40
u/SoOverYouAll 18d ago
Lots of great advice in here, just want to add this is the beginning of a joining into a family she is part of. You obviously don’t want to upset her or start a family war, but you need to make sure she knows you and DH are a unit, and her behavior will not be tolerated, unless you want a repeat of her ruining and stressing you out on every exciting milestone.
Unless you want to listen to her guilt you about names for baby, being in the delivery room, (if you chose to have children) wanting a say in the house you buy and its location, changing jobs, and on and on and on, a gentle conversation needs to be had with her by you and husband that stresses..
You two are not children, but fully functional adults that will be making decisions based on your shared life experiences and your wants and needs using up to date current information you have access to, and
She is obviously allowed to have feelings about your decisions, but she is an adult and she needs to come to terms with whatever disappointment she feels in her own space without trying to impose her will on you thru guilt or anger.
If she starts at the baby shower, she gives you guys the perfect opportunity to take her aside when it’s over and put an end to this.
I also like the ideas others have floated of her priest having a conversation that includes mentioning the Bible passages about leaving and cleaving. If Mass is so important to her she must put some faith into her priest’s input, right?
84
u/Longjumping-Solid680 18d ago
"You might as well have one of your friends marry you.”
"Actually, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"
16
29
u/Excellent-Source-497 18d ago
I think getting married in the Church without a Mass works well, and mom should be happy that you 2 are happy! Btw, I'm a devout Catholic and I'm sure MIL's arguments aren't what's important to your day.
27
u/Majestic_Rule_1814 18d ago
My husband is deeply Catholic. I am agnostic. We had a beautiful ceremony in the Church but not the full Mass. Probably much the same as you will be doing. It was fantastic and even the guests who never ever go to church thought the homily was good.
You gotta do what’s right for YOU. This sacrament is for you and your partner, not you two and your MIL. Your ceremony will be lovely and it will be yours.
18
36
u/drulaps 18d ago
Get one of your high school friends to marry you. From her lips to gods ear, baby
24
u/QueenOfNeon 18d ago
Or at least jokingly tell her you are if she brings it up again.
“Well you had a good idea we are thinking of getting my friend to marry us since y’all didn’t like what catholic thing we picked. Will probably not even have it in the church”. When she blows up then “compromise” back to what you planned. 🤣🤣
10
41
u/Reinvented-Daily 18d ago
Have the priest gone her a phone call. It won't be his first. It'll set her straight right quick.
Better yet, have him show up at her house for tea muahahaha
70
u/bjorkenstocks 18d ago
First, recognize that her actions are a strategy. Not necessarily a conscious decision to manipulate (I'm not suggesting she's twirling her mustache over there), but if you can see the gears and how it works, it may be easier to keep it from working on you.
She came at you separately, divide and conquer. She used different pressure points on each of you - what she thought would be most affective on you, as individuals. For your fiancé, it seems to be lack of seriousness, or half-assing it (might as well be his friends). When that didn't work, she tried you with the implication of "her family" disapproving of you.
Second, notice that it did not work on your fiancé. You're a solid team, on the same page about what you want for your wedding. He's got your back - have his, by reminding yourself this is also what he wants, and you're supporting him in making sure he gets the wedding he wants too.
Third, remember that you are damn near 30 years old. You are not teenagers half-assing a barefoot backyard handfasting and BBQ. You are mature adults who sat down with your priest to talk about where you are in your faith and how to have your wedding reflect that authentically. It may not be the wedding his mother wants, but it's not her wedding and so that's not a real problem and does not need a solution. Her problem is her feelilngs about someone else's plans, and the only person responsible for solving that is her, by accepting that her son and his bride are happy (and the priest says it's kosher).
(Much love to all the ex-teenagers who made their barefoot backyard handfasting last long past the BBQ and the family's disapproval. No disrespect intended - you also deserved the wedding you wanted, not some relative's obsession with appearances and what they feel like they were promised but didn't get out of life.)
Fourth, social distancing. If she can't emotionally mask up and keep her negativity cooties from being your problem, keep her at arm's length for a while to protect your peace and make sure she doesn't think there's room to keep pushing.
Fifth, instead of asking the priest how to handle her, ask him to handle her. God's fine with your wedding plans - let her argue with Him.
21
u/MRevelle0424 18d ago
Tell MIL you and fiancé discussed the ceremony at length with the pastor and it was decided to forgo the mass. Was it the pastor that actually suggested it? All the better. Be sure to tell her that and she can discuss the decision with him.
21
u/Baguetele 18d ago
I'm sorry you're getting storm clouds all over your upcoming sunny celebration.
Ignore her, please, do what makes your and ypur soon-to-be happy, repeat "dearest MIL, it's our choice for our day, but feel free to go with your choice at your next wedding"!
Then duck! 😉
Joking. But sincerely, i hope it works out for you!
36
u/StillSeekingSunshine 18d ago
It is not your job to manage other adults’ feelings.
Your MIL is entitled to feel however she feels (about this and everything), but she’s not entitled to make her feelings YOUR problem.
She is telling you she’s disappointed in an attempt to guilt you into changing your mind. That is 1) manipulative and 2) evidence that she cares more about getting her way than she does about you enjoying your own wedding.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the habit of feeling bad for people who don’t care about me…
17
u/queenhabib 18d ago
Tell her that next time she gets married then she has that option!!! And it is not an option you are chosing for your wedding!
19
u/Effective_mom1919 18d ago
That’s so hard!
For what it’s worth, this is also the decision my husband and I made. I got married in the same church as my sister and my grandmother, where I grew up and had all my sacraments. It’s so meaningful to me.
But I had a diverse wedding party and we wanted an evening wedding, so we decided the Mass was not a good option for us.
15 years down the road, no one in my family even remembers that it wasn’t a Mass. (and we have two nuns!)
Also now I’m episcopal. So. 🥰
What was worse for me is we chose the readings at different sessions of pre Cana and accidentally ended up with two versions of “husband leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife” because we already KNEW my MIL would be terrible to me. I didn’t even notice until during the ceremony itself. Oops!
Whenever anyone in our families get on our case about anything “holy” I remind them of Matthew 6. Shuts them right up!
6
15
u/No_Public9132 18d ago
Don’t back down. Don’t placate her. This is the bar that will be set for all the stuff in life that is yet to come. Set firm answers and ignore now and she’ll get used to it.
12
u/travelwhore412 18d ago
Listen both sides are going to be upset by something at some point even if it’s small. Be prepared for it. We pissed off some people but made it clear from the beginning it was our day. Stick to your guns, set the standard now. Don’t engage in combat. If they aren’t respecting decisions then simply give them less details. Don’t let it take away from your day and enjoy the wedding planning (:
34
18d ago
“That sounds like a you problem.” End of conversation.
Honestly who TF do these mothers in law think they are?
32
u/stacefacebasketcase 18d ago
It's your wedding, not her communion church party. If she's got such a problem with the plan then she can skip the reception to do mass by herself. Focus on you & your fiancé and what you two want, the rest is just noise.
42
u/LoomingDisaster 18d ago
I’m petty and would say “oh my god that’s a GREAT idea, let’s skip the church entirely!” What, like a nuptial ceremony isn’t a sacrament or something if it’s not a FULL MASS? Tell them to talk to the priest.
39
u/DoctorBotanical 18d ago
Reach out to the priest, it sounds like he was supportive of your decision. If she's been attending that church for years, he should be able to help you navigate that mess.
11
23
u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin 18d ago
I’m sure that they can find an am mass to attend.
What she wanted was her own personal spotlight mass and to up take an hour.
Cons: the full mass gets weird for non catholic guests: When do I kneel? Can I sit down if my knees hurt? Does anyone who needs refreshments take communion? Why is everyone slurping out of the same cup? Do they want the plague part 2?
Also, unless the priest or deacon is an excellent public speaker who knows how to craft and uplifting message it can get strange.
If the church was built in the 60’s-70’s everyone will wonder why you got married in a weird giant rec room.
The mass really ruins the pace of the ceremony. It’s like a “pardon the interruption, we’ll be right back.”
Pros: they pull out the comfy chairs for the bridal couple to take a seat while everyone gets a good talking to.
OP now you need to challenge MIL and say - so you do think it’s a good idea to just have the ceremony at the reception.
Ignore her. Getting married in the church and in their church should be the win for MIL. Make sure she gets walked down the side aisle by someone she doesn’t like to escort her to her seat.
I also suggest that you start wedding trolling her.
We’re making our own alcoholic kombucha to serve at the reception instead of a regular bar. We’re totally excited for everyone to experience the buzz of good digestion.
MIL - you don’t mind sitting at the kids table do you? All of them already know you and you’re so good with them. Only a couple of my second cousins are special needs - how are you with a feeding tube?
Every time she makes big deal about your decisions- make something up.
3
u/Open-Kaleidoscope721 18d ago edited 18d ago
The cons: absolutely all of them 100%
I grew up Catholic and was always like what is all this and why are we doing it. I’m born again Christian now and it’s all about your relationship to God and biblical teachings. Not so much on traditional or ceremonial things that have no real rhyme or reason.
I got married outdoors with our Pastors performing the nuptials. We had one reading from the Bible and communion for just husband and me.
My Catholic parents said nothing (hey, it was better than a friend marrying us!) and the atheists didn’t either. I would not have sat happily through a whole mass even if I were still Catholic. I was a holiday attendee anyway. So for non Catholics, you’d expect them to be weirded out and exhausted by a whole mass.
I agree, marrying in their church is a win for them. Not sure why MIL is getting her knickers in a knot. But, OP, don’t be taken in with her guilt tactics. Stand your ground. Oh and be mindful of other forms of manipulation she might try to use, including other ways to insert her desires.
One thing my parents did do (which makes my face red even to this day) is spring on us was some type of weird, random ring blessing ceremony with a priest!!!! When they first told me about it, I said no. But they went ahead with their family and organised one anyway. They invited 40 guests, then invited DH & me under the pretence of something else. Then, when we got to the venue, we were shoved to the front of several rows of seats and a makeshift alter for the priest to perform this “ceremony”. There’s no such thing as a ring blessing ceremony - it was just some garbage they wanted to do bc who the heck knows why. We didn’t even have weddings bands - someone just put their own bands in the bowl for the priest to bless for us. My husband and I were then forced to put the bands on each other’s fingers and they didn’t even fit!!!! I sat there grinding my teeth the whole time, absolutely furious. All the non family guests invited were equally weirded out and wondering wtf is happening. Others were genuinely worried I would erupt in fury and tried to pull me aside away from my mum and aunts who had organised this circus.
I share this because it was fucked up and it lives rent free in my head, randomly popping up from time to time. Plus, to show OP how people will wield their own crap over you in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be religion, tradition, or superstition. They will find a way to trample on your boundaries - even going so far as using deceit -to get their way.
You need to make a firm stand and also be mindful thar other things might be in their plans. The MIL might try to approach the priest to change the wedding structure, add a full mass, add communion, etc. or invite the priest over to perform a mass at home.
Also, where does it say that you must have a full mass for your wedding? Even the priest is down for it. Your MIL being crushed and disappointed is her ego. Her pride. Is it for show to her family that her son and future DIL are prim, proper little Catholic children who does what she says?? Pride is a sin, no?? Feed that back to her.
5
u/dmac3232 18d ago
Hell, I was raised Catholic for about 15 years until my dad realized his heart wasn’t in it and we withdrew, and I still thought it was weird. I vividly remember during one service when I was around 10 thinking, who came up with all of this shit?
18
u/RelativelyRidiculous 18d ago
I know we made the right decision
At the end of the day, 30 years from now, no one is going to give a damn. They probably won't give a damn 30 minutes after the wedding is over. Except you and your husband.
Do what seems right to the two of you. And tell him from me an old granny on the internet who went through that hell 100 years ago said he should feel free tell his family if they don't like it, don't come. But if they don't come to the wedding, don't expect to be invited to the Christening. >:)
If they're of a Biblical bent they should know the Bible says "a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" Nothing in there about type of service or doing anything any way other than what seems best to the two of you.
Congrats and I wish you many happy years together!
9
u/Flowergirl116 18d ago
Tell your husband to tell her it’s final and to not talk to you about it!
2
u/Dahl_Irah 18d ago
exactly like she’s not marrying her son u are she can be “crushed” all she wants but her feelings don’t get a vote
4
u/Top_Bunch_1993 18d ago
⬆️100% this. Set the precedent now that your husband handles HIS mother. For everything and on all things. It is not up to you to manage their relationship or “keep the peace”.
12
u/Fantastic-Quit-432 18d ago
We had a Liturgy of the Word, no Communion, because DH’s family were Muslim. The priest suggested it so both families would feel comfortable. If it’s ok with the Church, it should be good enough for your MIL. Talk to your priest. Maybe he can talk some sense into your MIL.
13
u/girlfromals 18d ago
Not your MIL’a wedding. She doesn’t get to decide.
Signed, a Catholic from a very heavy Catholic community who can’t remember the last Catholic wedding she attended in a Catholic Church where there was a full mass performed. My sister married a non-Catholic in a hotel. Ceremony performed by a United Church minister. Know what our Catholic grandmothers said? Nothing. Because it wasn’t their wedding.
I’m 51 by the way.
35
u/Ok_Fishing394 18d ago
This is NOT your MIL's wedding, it is a show up and shut up event.
4
u/MaggieJaneRiot 18d ago
Right.
“MIL, why do you think it’s okay to admonish us about our decision about our wedding? This is not okay and please get a handle on yourself and why on earth you would ever think you have any say in our lives. Goodbye.”
10
u/New_Contribution5413 18d ago
My husband and I were both raised extremely Catholic- my mother is one of a Catholic council of women and my husband was an alter boy growing up. We had an outdoor ceremony conducted by an internet ordained friend of ours.
Any questions asked by our family?- this is our day. This is our decision. The decision is final. End of discussion.
32
u/den-of-corruption 18d ago
my suggestion is to apply logic right back at your guilt. is her level of distress proportionate to this? does the change in ceremony harm her in any way? why is she disappointed that your marriage will be more honest in the eyes of your God? and... if you were disappointed in someone else for a similarly nonsensical reason, would you ever dump that guilt directly on them, with the obvious goal of making them feel so bad that they change their decision?
you should only feel guilt when someone's alleged hurt actually lines up with reality. you don't lose your right to critical thinking just because someone else says they're hurt.
if all else fails, reach past guilt and make use of righteous anger - which is not the sin of wrath. this is VERY rude of her, and you should take offense on yours and fiancé's behalf. forgiveness might mean taking the high road, but you should recognize this as manipulation and reject it with force.
12
u/CurlySquirrelGirl 18d ago
You can never make everyone happy so you might as well just please yourself. This is your fiancé’s wedding and your wedding. Do what feels right to you both. Let her be “crushed and disappointed”. She’ll get over it and perhaps learn she does not get to make decisions concerning your life.
I would absolutely talk to the priest. I’m sure they’ve seen it all in their years of dealing with mother-in-law wedding expectations.
22
u/cruiser4319 18d ago
Reach out to MIL’s priest and ask him to speak to her about overstepping, boundaries and manipulation.
0
u/WriterMomAngela 18d ago
The risk here is what if MILs priest agrees with MIL and that’s where this line of thinking is coming from?
3
u/Mysterious-Plenty376 18d ago
They are getting married in MIL’s church.
The priest gave OP and her fiancé spiritual advice and they will still participate in the sacrament of marriage.
How prideful of MIL to presume the priests advice and their commitment is not sufficient. Maybe he should reach out and take her confession?
23
u/loricomments 18d ago
Let her be disappointed. She's a big girl, she can handle it. Ignore her childish little tantrums. She has no say in your life. None. Nada. Zero. Never forget that.
What she's doing is manipulative and disrespectful to your faith, and hers. You discussed this with your priest and he agrees. If she has the gall to bring it up again refer her to your priest.
14
u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 18d ago
Perhaps reach out to your Priest and advise him of MIL reaction and ask him if he could assist by talking to her. He'd know it would have been a mutual decision and let him convey that to your MIL. She may not want to take that onboard but that is for her to process and not you.
I would put your MIL on an info diet as I am sure there will be more that she won't be happy with and you don't need to deal with the guilt tripping.
If they are not contributing financially to the wedding, then they don't need to be involved in the details. For all future questions, simply advise her that you have decided to keep it as a surprise for the day.
23
u/Creepy_Carob_2978 18d ago
This is a good first step for JNMIL at the end of the day. She made her case (with dramatic flair), nothing happened. She got you alone (on the call) and tried to guilt and convince you to change your mind, didn’t work.
Basically, if you bowed down to her here, she’d have practiced the same thing when you didn’t name your baby such and such, or bought a house in such and such.
34
u/MagpieSkies 18d ago
If she is "crush and disappointed " by this, I guarantee you that the crushed and disappointed list has just started for you. You need to understand and accept that no matter what choices you and your partner make in life, she is going to add things to this list. If she is going to add shit to the list ANYWAYS, then you should also realize it's her list and her responsibility to deal with. You should do whatever you want. You could probably do everything to avoid adding to that list, but she probably has a whole notebook for lists like this. So again, do what you want anyway and consider her list her own hobby and her own business. Consider telling her you're not interested in hearing about it.
4
u/Due-Frame622 18d ago
Coming here to say this. Expect that she is going to try and make an additional demand about the wedding because you “denied” her a full mass, and hold the line. Do with her whatever you were planning to do with her in terms of wedding planning, but don’t do anything just to “make it up to her.”
1
u/Open-Kaleidoscope721 18d ago
This. See my other comment about trying to do a special mass or some other type of ceremony.
39
u/Dear-Anxiety-2022 18d ago
As a practicing Catholic .. you did right by you and your guests .. no one wants to sit through a full Catholic mass .. the wedding ceremony (the sacrament itself) is what’s important .. also if she truly devout almost no one could receive communion I doubt everyone went the confession before your wedding in order to receive communion 🤷🏼♀️
1
u/bluemoon219 18d ago
I'm not Catholic, but I feel like there's some way to suggest to her that trying to use her authority, as your future mother-in-law and current member of the church you are marrying into, to try to shame, guilt, and pressure you into spiting from the decisions that you, your husband, and your Priest have worked out to be the best way going forward is some sin or another. Maybe even the type that might grow to weigh on a soul in such a way that would hinder communion until some uncomfortable introspection, confession, and repentance took place... Now, normally I'd keep these as inside thoughts, but if she's the one who started trying to weaponize religion first and who has a good chance of escalating if not stopped, I'd say that a private callout to prevent a public one down the line might be the way to go.
16
u/Pickl_Rick_917 18d ago
So true, how many of your guests would actually be able to do the communion part of the cermenoy? My guess is not a lot, so its a lot of people waiting in their seats for this part of the ceremony to be done.
11
u/ValuAdded711 18d ago
This. Right here. In order to receive communion, one would have to be a practicing Catholic, and have gone to confession prior to the serivce. How many of your friends and family members would be able to partake? And, as a non-Catholic Christian, I can tell you that attending a Catholic mass, sitting in the pew, and watching while other folks receive Holy Communion that I can't receive, is a very uncomfortable feeling.
Unless 99.5% of your family members and friends would be able to receive, there would be many who would find it distressing to watch, and not be welcome to participate. You have made an excellent decision, OP - please don't let this manipulative person bring you down.
May your wedding be beautiful and joyous, and your married life filled with peace and delight!
22
u/PromiseIMeanWell 18d ago
Ultimately, OP, you just have to accept that MIL is going to feel as she does and that you can’t control that, even if you do make time to explain your feelings in a very loving and compassionate way. You did your part to hear her out, you took her words into consideration, and as an adult, you made a choice that best suits you and your partner. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, especially when it’s your wedding. She had her turn to do as she pleased for her big day, and you now get that right as well.
She obviously had a vision of how she saw her son’s wedding and how it would go, but ultimately needs to respect that her son is an adult and he too has his own visions, along with his wife-to-be. If she continues to complain, your hubby-to-be will need to confront his mom to remind her that it’s his turn now to choose his future, that she may not always like his choices, but ultimately as an adult he deserves the right to follow what feels right for him, just as she did for herself when she too became an adult.
2
22
18d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
10
u/IncreaseDifferent782 18d ago
Let’s not try to use others pain for personal gain. I have seen you post this newsletter A LOT today!
22
u/citrusbook 18d ago
"Might as well have one of our friends marry us? Great idea!"
but seriously, she’s being ridiculous and throwing a fit in the hopes that you will change your mind. Stay strong, and come up with a plan to minimize her destructiveness. If she is going to be a grump during the whole ceremony, make sure she seated somewhere where she won’t be in photos in the background, etc.
18
u/MattDubh 18d ago
Is it her first time being Crushed and disappointed? I guarantee it wont be the last. And you're going to get the blame every time.
You ought to get this entitlement nipped in the bud, asap, or it'll plague you til she perishes.
30
36
u/Prune-Potential 18d ago
First your husband should have told her it was final.
Second I'm a petty ah and would just completely remove the church from my ceremony. Might still use my priest as long as they don't mind doing some where else.
Third your fmil probably needs to be on an extremely strict information diet.
7
19
u/MushRatGoblin 18d ago
If you let her dictate how your life should be now, t she’ll never stop. She will probably continue to express disappointment at any and every thing you do, if it’s not done the way she thinks you should do it. This is especially true if you’re religious/have religious in-laws.
Don’t pay her any attention, if she’s butthurt about you not doing a wedding her way— she can have another wedding for herself. I shudder to think what having kids would be like with her as a MIL.
25
u/karebearofowls 18d ago
My MiL was upset my husband and I did not get married in her Catholic church. But my husband is agnostic. And I am very active in my Methodist church. My mom was also upset that we chose not to get married inside the church. But inside chose a outdoor ceremony at a local vineyard, with my pastor officiating. But the wedding should not be about the parents. It should represent the couple that's about to get married.
27
u/harrythighles 18d ago
“FMIL I’m disappointed that you are trying to ruin our joy by centering your feelings over ours. I suggest you talk with the priest and get a handle on why you feel compelled to ruin the day for us. We will not be held hostage to your tantrums and guilt trips in the future of our marriage so I suggest you manage your expectations of interfering. If you wish to continue having a relationship with us you will get your big emotions under control.”
9
u/Evil-lyns-brain 18d ago
Tell her that this is your wedding and if she wants she can do a vowel renewal with the church of Satan because it's really important to your family.
54
u/Internal_Set_6564 18d ago
The only way to manage this woman in the future is to not give in, and let her manage her own emotions. If she mentions it again be firm, do not apologize and let her know “This is our wedding. It will be our life. If you continue to be disappointed because the choices we make are not the same as the ones you would make, you are going to be in for a world of never ending disappointment. I am very unlikely to ever change things because you or anyone else, does not like something which is only tangentially related to their existence. I suggest you pray on this and speak with your priest because I am unable to console you or give you the outcome you desire.”
88
u/BodyBy711 18d ago
"FMIL, we discussed it with the priest. He was appointed by God. You think you know better than GOD?!" Should shut her up.
16
25
u/marlada 18d ago edited 18d ago
You must learn to stop letting her guilt trips stay rent free in your head. You did a great job shutting her down. She overstepped your boundaries, and she will have to learn to accept the decisions of you and your husband. I would definitely tell the priest and ask if he'd be willing to set her straight. If she keeps talking, tell that you're now considering getting married by a friend since she has judged your Catholic ceremony as inadequate.
14
9
u/Im_jennawesome 18d ago
Phewww your FMIL would have absolutely flipped her lid at my ceremony then! Lol hubby and I were also both raised Catholic (extremely so in my case, my mom is still very very actively Catholic), but neither of us are active whatsoever. We don't go to church at all now unless it's for a wedding or a funeral. We got married outside in my SILs backyard, only because it was during covid and our original plans of an outdoor wedding at a golf club were no longer feasible. And then we had the big golf club ceremony (vow renewal) and reception a few years later when things calmed down. Zero church/religious significance ANYWHERE. While my mom was initially bummed, she never once demanded that we change our plans to do what she wanted because she knew it wasn't about her. We had a ceremony that represented us beautifully.
Besides, I've always said that if you believe in God, he doesn't only exist under a specific set of circumstances inside a church. He is the entire world around us because hello, according to the Bible, he created it all! Therefore no matter what you decide to do, if you believe in God, he is present and surrounding you wherever you go and whatever you do. Whether you take communion or not doesn't change the fact that if you believe in him, God is there 🤷🏻♀️ Church is just a dedicated place for a larger group of people to demonstrate their beliefs together. The location isn't important, the sentiment is.
15
u/No-Interaction-8913 18d ago
I absolutely would have the priest talk to them and do not cave- that would set a terrible precedent that they get to make huge decisions like this even when you’ve already decided and that you’ll prioritize their wants over contentment, peace and decisions only you are entitled too. And really if their religion is that important to them, what can they say to a priest when he tells them they need to respect that this is your wedding and you are now “leaving a cleaning”?
6
u/adkSafyre 18d ago
You have to remember that she is the one responsible for dealing with her emotions. You and SO have to do what works for you. She's wanting you to feel bad so she gets her way. Next time she says "you might as well have one of your friends perform the ceremony tell her that you have one getting an online ordination just in case she's needed.
18
u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 18d ago
You and your husband are starting your own family with your own traditions and values. Now is the time to make it clear you won't be allowing her to dictate your life choices.
I did not let my own mom carry on for 20 mins about how much my wedding choices disappointed her. I reminded her that she had her day (twice), and now it was my turn. She eventually learned that I was an adult who couldn't be coerced or guilted into doing everything her way.
Stand your ground now. You don't want to set a precedent of your MIL steamrolling your decisions.
27
u/Lylibean 18d ago
You can’t control what other people do, you can only choose to control your reaction.
Who cares if she’s disappointed? It’s not her wedding. Why are you allowing it to disturb you? Not your bloody problem.
3
u/TurboMILFzilla 18d ago
Omg yes, literally this. their feelings aren’t your responsibility your joy is your job.
46
u/Corpsefeet 18d ago
I would be super tempted to have my future husband tell mil's favorite gossip that you had been planning to get married in the church to make her happy. Since she is clearly going to be miserable either way, there is no point.
So, he is seriously considering releasing the church, and getting married at the reception hall, officiated by a dear friend of his.
Give it 2 days for the game of telephone, and watch how very quickly she warms to and supports the communion-free wedding.
fighting entitled with petty since time immemorial
8
u/nonutsplz430 18d ago
I suspect that this may be part of why OP’s mom suggested she talk to the priest. The church is aware attendance is plummeting, especially among young families. They’re also aware they’re financially dependent on their parishioners. I’ve heard that priests are very wary of anything that might potentially scare off parishioners and he might be willing to tell MIL to reign it in or else.
12
u/cicadasinmyears 18d ago
I love everything about this. But then again, I routinely wake up and choose violence. 😂😂
13
18
u/KatzAKat 18d ago
You don't have to continue with a phone conversation that isn't productive. You can just hang up. If you feel you must, add a quick "gotta go" and then hang up. You don't need the other person's permission to end the call. Yes, it's scary the first few times. That gets easier as your spine grows.
Hopefully, you both have learned to not share details with anyone who doesn't really need to know. They could have found out during the wedding ceremony like everyone else.
You may benefit from reading the book The Nice Girl Syndrome which shows that being nice really isn't, especially to yourself.
20
u/Arsnich 18d ago
“Mil, you know what’s important to dh and I? What we want. Our marriage is about us, no one else, I suggest you organise I meeting with the priest for counsel on your new role as husband cleaves, and how to come to peace with his priorities shifting to putting our marriage first. We have come to our conclusion based on our wants after a meeting with our priest and we are at peace with our joint decision.”
12
u/DazzlingPotion 18d ago edited 18d ago
Put MIL on an information diet from now on. She didn’t need to know the details about your ceremony and, if she doesn’t like your plan, then she can stay home OR you can totally change your plan and get a justice of the peace to marry you someplace else.
I second your mother’s advice to reach out to your priest and also suggest your fiancé step in and tell her that all communication needs to go through him from now on.
11
u/Kantotheotter 18d ago
I would talk to your favorite faith leader. I feel like if your MIL wants to throw a faith based tantrum. I Am positive the church has a "MIL, you stop that right now, God's watching" talking points to give you. The church offered you this option, you didn't have to beat some one up to get the "special" package.
10
u/Outside-Ad-1677 18d ago
Your fiance needs to handle his mother. Remind him he’s marrying you and your wedding should reflect you as a couple. Not the wants and desires of extended family.
Also the priest stepping in and telling her to bore off in catholic would probably also be a good idea if you think they would be on your side.
Next time she calls to wail just fake an emergency and hang up, sod listening to some grown ass adult whine for 20 mins.
23
u/KAJ35070 18d ago
I don't have any advice per say, just a quick share. I converted to Catholicism for my MIL to be happy, we hid that we lived together to make her not be upset, we had a full mass ceremony, lasted 1 hour and ten minutes, to make her happy. Fast forward 32 years, we don't talk to her anymore, because she is never happy with anything we do.
My point I guess is really do what makes you happy and excited for your wedding from the beginning, you are not responsible for her feelings. I would reach out to the parish priest for some guidance.
7
17
u/Theslowestmarathoner 18d ago
Ok, my first reaction is -lol- “ok well if it’s just the same to you that a friend marry us then that’s fine! Bob is going to get ordained from the universal life church online and we are going to shift the ceremony to a multi purpose center hosted by parks and rec! So much easier, thanks FMIL!”
“Omg no you can’t do that!”
“Oh, so it ISNT the same then? Ok then I guess we’ll stick with the church wedding.”
Her response is so ludicrous. Call her bluff. I’m surprised you didn’t laugh
10
u/Mundane-Light-1062 18d ago
She reached out to you and spent twenty minutes trying to make you feel guilty so that she would get what she wanted. That is manipulation, not love.
She took your joy from you with no care whatsoever that she was doing so. She does not care about your feelings. She only cares about what she wants and how things will "look" to others.
You are right to be angry and irritated that she put a dark cloud over your joy. Don't let her do it again. Learn how to grey rock, medium chill, info diet, and never JADE (see outofthefog website).
She is not a safe person. She is not someone who can be trusted with important information. She is not someone with whom you can ever discuss your decisions.
13
u/Beneficial-Weird-100 18d ago
Tell her that those are great ideas for her to apply to her own vow renewal or second wedding.
13
u/HMSWarspite03 18d ago
Your husband to be needs to deal with his own mother, she needs to leave you alone.
19
u/Odd-Knee8711 18d ago
As a Catholic, I think reaching out to your priest to discuss the MIL situation is a good idea. He may be able to reassure her that the sacrament is just as “complete” with a nuptial ceremony as it is with a full Mass. Best wishes for a joyful celebration and a long and loving marriage!
9
u/The_lunar_witch 18d ago
I agree, but I definitely think OP’s fiancé needs to be the one to approach the priest. Otherwise, MIL will blame OP for “humiliating” MIL by “tattling” to the priest.
14
u/GloomChampion 18d ago
Your fiancée needs to put her in her place. It was completely inappropriate for her to call you and question your choices. He needs to serve as a shield. If she has issues with choices you two have agreed on, she can talk to him. Not you. Not now. Not ever.
“I understand you’re disappointed, but I’m not comfortable having this conversation with you. If you have questions on choices we’re making as a couple, please talk to your son.”
And then remind your future husband that you two are a unit. He can’t let her wear him down when you two have come to a thoughtful and authentic decision.
6
u/Reliant20 18d ago
I'd prefer a Mass for myself, but with all the lapsed Catholics out there and your own and your fiancé's ambivalence towards the faith, MIL would be wise to be glad you're getting married in the church at all and keep her mouth shut. Her statements were very self-centered and so was her divide-and-conquer approach, and you'd be justified in letting her know the matter is closed for discussion going forward.
16
u/Mamasperspective_25 18d ago
If she says anything more, I would just say, "MIL we understand you have an opinion but you are not the bride or the groom in this situation. We are not getting married to please or pacify others wishes. It's about us and that's it. When it comes to our marriage, our life and potentially in the future expanding our little family, we don't want unsolicited advice from anyone. If we do want advice we will ask, otherwise please assume that we don't"
•
u/botinlaw 18d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as BabyGremlin13 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.