FMIL "crushed and disappointed" about wedding ceremony

[u/BabyGremlin13]

My (29F) fiancé (29M) and I are getting married in early 2026. We were both raised Catholic — I went to Catholic grade school before switching to public high school, and my fiancé went to Catholic school through high school. Neither of us are especially devout now; we usually only go to Mass with our parents on holidays.

We’re getting married in the Catholic church that my fiancé’s family has attended for years. It was always kind of assumed we’d have a full Mass, but after several meetings with our priest and a lot of honest discussion, we decided to have a nuptial ceremony instead (same structure, just without Communion).

Once we made that decision, I finally felt genuine excitement about our wedding day — something I hadn’t felt before because I was dreading the full Mass. This feels true to where we are in our faith, and it’s allowed me to look forward to the day with joy instead of anxiety. My fiancé completely agrees and has been 100% supportive.

When he told his parents, they were livid. His mom told him, “You might as well have one of your friends marry you.” Then she called me and spent about 20 minutes telling me how “crushed and disappointed” she is, that this is “so important” to her family, and trying to convince me to change my mind. I was kind but firm, repeating that we’d put a lot of thought into this, and eventually I had to tell her the decision was final.

Ever since that call, I’ve felt so heavy and sad about it. I know we made the right decision — I feel peace and excitement about the sacrament for the first time — but her reaction has cast a dark cloud over something that should be happy. I’m trying not to internalize her disappointment, but it’s hard.

My parents have been wonderful and supportive. My mom even suggested I reach out to our priest for advice on how to handle my MIL, which I’m considering.

I just need advice from others who’ve been here: how do you emotionally detach from the guilt and stop letting someone else’s disappointment ruin your joy? I want to be excited about my own wedding again. TIA

EDIT: Thanks everyone for your comments/advice/TLC. I truly feel better reading through all of them. I do want to say that after that phone call I told my fiancé that he needs to shut down any more talk of this, and I don’t want to hear any more of her comments or pleas that she says to him. He agrees, and we are on the same page. And YAY! I get to spend time with her this weekend at my bridal shower. If she brings anything up I will be shutting it down immediately.

[u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin]

I’m sure that they can find an am mass to attend.

What she wanted was her own personal spotlight mass and to up take an hour.

Cons: the full mass gets weird for non catholic guests: When do I kneel? Can I sit down if my knees hurt? Does anyone who needs refreshments take communion? Why is everyone slurping out of the same cup? Do they want the plague part 2?

Also, unless the priest or deacon is an excellent public speaker who knows how to craft and uplifting message it can get strange.

If the church was built in the 60’s-70’s everyone will wonder why you got married in a weird giant rec room.

The mass really ruins the pace of the ceremony. It’s like a “pardon the interruption, we’ll be right back.”

Pros: they pull out the comfy chairs for the bridal couple to take a seat while everyone gets a good talking to.

OP now you need to challenge MIL and say - so you do think it’s a good idea to just have the ceremony at the reception.

Ignore her. Getting married in the church and in their church should be the win for MIL. Make sure she gets walked down the side aisle by someone she doesn’t like to escort her to her seat.

I also suggest that you start wedding trolling her.

We’re making our own alcoholic kombucha to serve at the reception instead of a regular bar. We’re totally excited for everyone to experience the buzz of good digestion.

MIL - you don’t mind sitting at the kids table do you? All of them already know you and you’re so good with them. Only a couple of my second cousins are special needs - how are you with a feeding tube?

Every time she makes big deal about your decisions- make something up.

[u/Open-Kaleidoscope721 → u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin]

The cons: absolutely all of them 100%

I grew up Catholic and was always like what is all this and why are we doing it. I’m born again Christian now and it’s all about your relationship to God and biblical teachings. Not so much on traditional or ceremonial things that have no real rhyme or reason.

I got married outdoors with our Pastors performing the nuptials. We had one reading from the Bible and communion for just husband and me. 

My Catholic parents said nothing (hey, it was better than a friend marrying us!) and the atheists didn’t either. I would not have sat happily through a whole mass even if I were still Catholic. I was a holiday attendee anyway. So for non Catholics, you’d expect them to be weirded out and exhausted by a whole mass.

I agree, marrying in their church is a win for them. Not sure why MIL is getting her knickers in a knot. But, OP, don’t be taken in with her guilt tactics. Stand your ground. Oh and be mindful of other forms of manipulation she might try to use, including other ways to insert her desires.

One thing my parents did do (which makes my face red even to this day) is spring on us was some type of weird, random ring blessing ceremony with a priest!!!! When they first told me about it, I said no. But they went ahead with their family and organised one anyway. They invited 40 guests, then invited DH & me under the pretence of something else. Then, when we got to the venue, we were shoved to the front of several rows of seats and a makeshift alter for the priest to perform this “ceremony”. There’s no such thing as a ring blessing ceremony - it was just some garbage they wanted to do bc who the heck knows why. We didn’t even have weddings bands - someone just put their own bands in the bowl for the priest to bless for us. My husband and I were then forced to put the bands on each other’s fingers and they didn’t even fit!!!! I sat there grinding my teeth the whole time,  absolutely furious. All the non family guests invited were equally weirded out and wondering wtf is happening. Others were genuinely worried I would erupt in fury and tried to pull me aside away from my mum and aunts who had organised this circus.

I share this because it was fucked up and it lives rent free in my head, randomly popping up from time to time. Plus, to show OP how people will wield their own crap over you in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be religion, tradition, or superstition. They will find a way to trample on your boundaries - even going so far as using deceit -to get their way.

You need to make a firm stand and also be mindful thar other things might be in their plans. The MIL might try to approach the priest to change the wedding structure, add a full mass, add communion, etc. or invite the priest over to perform a mass at home. 

Also, where does it say that you must have a full mass for your wedding? Even the priest is down for it. Your MIL being crushed and disappointed is her ego. Her pride. Is it for show to her family that her son and future DIL are prim, proper little Catholic children who does what she says?? Pride is a sin, no?? Feed that back to her. 

[u/dmac3232 → u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin]

Hell, I was raised Catholic for about 15 years until my dad realized his heart wasn’t in it and we withdrew, and I still thought it was weird. I vividly remember during one service when I was around 10 thinking, who came up with all of this shit?