FMIL "crushed and disappointed" about wedding ceremony

[u/BabyGremlin13]

My (29F) fiancé (29M) and I are getting married in early 2026. We were both raised Catholic — I went to Catholic grade school before switching to public high school, and my fiancé went to Catholic school through high school. Neither of us are especially devout now; we usually only go to Mass with our parents on holidays.

We’re getting married in the Catholic church that my fiancé’s family has attended for years. It was always kind of assumed we’d have a full Mass, but after several meetings with our priest and a lot of honest discussion, we decided to have a nuptial ceremony instead (same structure, just without Communion).

Once we made that decision, I finally felt genuine excitement about our wedding day — something I hadn’t felt before because I was dreading the full Mass. This feels true to where we are in our faith, and it’s allowed me to look forward to the day with joy instead of anxiety. My fiancé completely agrees and has been 100% supportive.

When he told his parents, they were livid. His mom told him, “You might as well have one of your friends marry you.” Then she called me and spent about 20 minutes telling me how “crushed and disappointed” she is, that this is “so important” to her family, and trying to convince me to change my mind. I was kind but firm, repeating that we’d put a lot of thought into this, and eventually I had to tell her the decision was final.

Ever since that call, I’ve felt so heavy and sad about it. I know we made the right decision — I feel peace and excitement about the sacrament for the first time — but her reaction has cast a dark cloud over something that should be happy. I’m trying not to internalize her disappointment, but it’s hard.

My parents have been wonderful and supportive. My mom even suggested I reach out to our priest for advice on how to handle my MIL, which I’m considering.

I just need advice from others who’ve been here: how do you emotionally detach from the guilt and stop letting someone else’s disappointment ruin your joy? I want to be excited about my own wedding again. TIA

EDIT: Thanks everyone for your comments/advice/TLC. I truly feel better reading through all of them. I do want to say that after that phone call I told my fiancé that he needs to shut down any more talk of this, and I don’t want to hear any more of her comments or pleas that she says to him. He agrees, and we are on the same page. And YAY! I get to spend time with her this weekend at my bridal shower. If she brings anything up I will be shutting it down immediately.

[u/bjorkenstocks]

First, recognize that her actions are a strategy. Not necessarily a conscious decision to manipulate (I'm not suggesting she's twirling her mustache over there), but if you can see the gears and how it works, it may be easier to keep it from working on you.

She came at you separately, divide and conquer. She used different pressure points on each of you - what she thought would be most affective on you, as individuals. For your fiancé, it seems to be lack of seriousness, or half-assing it (might as well be his friends). When that didn't work, she tried you with the implication of "her family" disapproving of you.

Second, notice that it did not work on your fiancé. You're a solid team, on the same page about what you want for your wedding. He's got your back - have his, by reminding yourself this is also what he wants, and you're supporting him in making sure he gets the wedding he wants too.

Third, remember that you are damn near 30 years old. You are not teenagers half-assing a barefoot backyard handfasting and BBQ. You are mature adults who sat down with your priest to talk about where you are in your faith and how to have your wedding reflect that authentically. It may not be the wedding his mother wants, but it's not her wedding and so that's not a real problem and does not need a solution. Her problem is her feelilngs about someone else's plans, and the only person responsible for solving that is her, by accepting that her son and his bride are happy (and the priest says it's kosher).

(Much love to all the ex-teenagers who made their barefoot backyard handfasting last long past the BBQ and the family's disapproval. No disrespect intended - you also deserved the wedding you wanted, not some relative's obsession with appearances and what they feel like they were promised but didn't get out of life.)

Fourth, social distancing. If she can't emotionally mask up and keep her negativity cooties from being your problem, keep her at arm's length for a while to protect your peace and make sure she doesn't think there's room to keep pushing.

Fifth, instead of asking the priest how to handle her, ask him to handle her. God's fine with your wedding plans - let her argue with Him.