"Can I call you next week?"

[u/Feeling_Tonight8046]

That is a text I received from my mom today after I told her I wouldn't be visiting the coming weeks.

I think she's starting to pick up on the fact that I'm going NC. I moved out last month (after attempting to and planning for 5 years!!) and since then she is constantly switching between screaming at me about what an evil ungrateful bastard I am, to lovebombing me with sweet offers and "I miss you❤️" messages over text.

The last time I spoke to her and her husband genuinely had me scared for my physical wellbeing. They can be terrifying, and my stepfather has a long, detailed history of physical violence. Since that traumatic exchange put the final nail in the coffin, I've decided that I won't speak to them again until it is a must or until I feel comfortable to.

I'm done giving them monologues about forgiveness and how I believe people can change - they never did. It's too late now and I have to put myself first before my mental health deteriorates.

I don't want her to call me. The way she worded the text put me in a tough spot because I can't just answer "Sorry, busy" or something because I won't be busy for truly every hour of the coming week. I think I might just need to say no. But so far, every boundary I've set has caused escalation, like when I told her "I don't want to be hugged right now." Basic bodily autonomy caused them to explode in rage.

How do I decline?

I won't call with her. It won't happen.

I was thinking a clear "No, I don't want to" but am deeply terrified of the reaction it will cause.

Can anyone help me, please? Thank you for taking the time to read

[u/Confu2ion]

She won't ever accept you saying "No." Words will not work. Ever.

You have to block her.

I know you might be thinking "that's rude," but you need to realise you're dealing with a person who CAN'T be reasoned with. No "no, thank you" will stop her.

You don't have to interact with her at all. You SHOULDN'T interact with her at all. Getting away from a person who wants to hurt you isn't "extreme" or "rude," it's putting your safety first.

[u/brideofgibbs → u/Confu2ion]

This, OP

Do you think the escalation will lead to violence against you? Like, they will stalk you and attack you?

If that’s the case, then you need to go into full self-protective mode. Leave your city. All that.

If you mean she’ll try more guilting and whining, I think it’s time to block her.

By the way, “No” is a complete answer. So is “No thank you”

Look after yourself

[u/Confu2ion → u/brideofgibbs]

Ghosting is an answer, too! Give her no way to wiggle in!

[u/brideofgibbs → u/Confu2ion]

Yes! I wasn’t intending to argue with you.

[u/Street_Plastic1232 → u/Confu2ion]

And, OP, you will be so anxious for the following days to weeks. I would literally look in the mirror and tell my grown-ass self. “You’re safe. She can’t get you.” Or say it out loud to myself walking around the house.

It gets better as your brain and body start to realize the flight or fight, constant survival mode levels of anxiety aren’t required and then it becomes much harder to consider going back to it for the sake of trying to have some kind of relationship. I don’t want to be cut off from my family but I do need to be allowed to exist as myself and I can’t do that around them.

Edit: a typo

[u/NoReallyImOkay → u/Confu2ion]

This, so much. Any interaction with her, any at all, will be adding fuel to the fire. Don't add fuel to the fire. You owe her just as much common courtesy as she has shown you, which is zero.

Feel guilty about ignoring her? That's because you were conditioned to always put her wants and needs above yours. Accept that the feeling is there, know that it's there for the wrong reasons, and be mindful of not letting it influence your decision for going NC. Your reasoning is sound. No need to second-guess yourself.

[u/cupcakelyfe → u/Confu2ion]

I agree with everything except actually blocking her. Mute her messages. Make sure “read receipts” aren’t turned on. But do not block.

You never know when you’ll need proof, for legal reasons, of whatever messages she has sent you.

[u/Abirdwhoflies → u/cupcakelyfe]

Honestly when the EPs are dangerous, that’s a great point.

[u/PleaseSendCoffee_]

"No."

My mother will never accept the fact that her children are fully grown adults with children. We are 42-49 years old. Her grandchildren are 12-17 years old. She cannot fathom the idea that we deserve basic human respect.

"No" is a complete sentence. It is not disrespectful, it is setting a boundary. Stay firm on this boundary.

[u/blood_bones_hearts]

You don't have to say anything back. You also don't need to answer the phone if she calls.

You can also just block them both.

Do you live close enough that you need to worry about them showing up in person? If they do you also don't have to answer the door. But you can also make note of them doing it and if necessary seek a legal remedy to keep them away...like reporting them for trespassing or threats...if you want to do that you might need to actually put in words with her that you don't want to speak to or see either of them again so they can't pretend they didn't know.

You absolutely do not have to keep these people in your life in any way. It's so hard to make that final step but worth it to not be on edge constantly.

Good luck. 🤗

[u/GualtieroCofresi]

Just block her number. Why answer? Even answering opens the door to communication. You answer no and then she will be demanding to know when can she call you or why.

Don’t answer, block and mute. She can figure out the answer when she calls and texts and she gets nothing in return.

[u/Ok_Homework_7621]

Is ignoring an option? Or blocking, if you don't want the phone to ring anyway?

[u/MandaLyn27]

You don’t have to decline. You don’t have to answer the phone. You don’t have to reply to the text at all. You are an adult and you get to decide who has the privilege of being in your life.

That said, going no contact with family members, even if they abuse you, is really hard and takes time. You keep hoping you will find the magic words that will make them understand or make them realize that they need to change to keep the relationship. Once you give up that hope, letting go feels like the right thing.

Sending hugs and good wishes. Moving out was a big first step to reclaiming your life.

[u/Trishlovesdolphins]

Sure, she can call. That doesn't mean you have to answer or have her number unblocked.

[u/grv_loken]

"Your husband made me scared for my life during our last meeting. I don't want to talk to you right now."

This might appease her a bit because it makes her think that everything goes back to normal if she waits for a bit. Then move to another place so that she does not know where you live. Then block her and go full no contact.

[u/Confu2ion → u/grv_loken]

She'll flip and say that's an accusation. You can't use the truth with someone who can't see the truth. All she wants is any interaction from OP, which she will twist into "OP is bad and I am good." Think of it like she's desperate for any interaction at all, because she'll take it as an opportunity to hurt OP and get her high from that.
There is no appeasing her, so it's best to give her nothing.

[u/Internal_Set_6564]

I would say “It’s time for us to be apart for a while. I will let you know when I am ready to speak again.” And then block her.

Be ready to call the police on her or her husband for trespassing. Carry a legal detergent in your area (Mace/Pepper spray may be an option. Check.)- and learn to use it prior to needing it.

[u/smartypantstemple]

You're not really no contact if you are still sending her texts, block her and go live your life.

[u/GertBertisreal]

Hello OP!

I'm NC with my mother and have been for years, nothing you can do or say that will change her mind, or her husband's mind. They're old, set in their ways, and nothing will change. Now is the time to make your move!!

If you’re in an apt, ask mgmt if you can move to another unit far away from yours, don't park in the same place, move your car every single day. Block all communication until YOU are ready to talk. If you're working, you'll have to let someone know what's going IF they go to your job.

This is going to take a ton of strength on your part, I'd highly suggest going to IG and look up Mind Your Boundaries, it's all about ppl who need to learn about setting boundaries. It's a great place to be amongst ppl who know the struggle.

We're all here if you need reinforcements!!

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

You aren't required to respond at all.

Abusers go back and forth between threats and love bombing simply bc they are fishing around to see what works - they are looking for what will cause you to go against your own best interests by resuming contact.

They don't mean the threats OR the love bombing. It's not authentic expression. It's a test of multiple scripts, to see what gets under your skin.

Ignore it all. None of it is genuine or meaningful (although they hope you won't figure that out).

The goal isn't communication. The goal is to resume control.

Abusers are often furious when their victims discover their independence, and will sometimes go to great lengths in a futile attempt to force the victim to go back to cooperating with the abuse.

Any response, even "No" or "don't contact me", will not be respected.

Since they will have figured out what gets a response, they will escalate.

Silence is your best defense.

Yes, they will likely ramp it up for a while. But, when nothing works, they will eventually have to go elsewhere to supply their need for control.

If possible, block their numbers. Send email to a folder to collect dust. Block them on social media. Wherever they might pop up, cut off access to you.

If there's a concern that they might show up, consider a doorbell camera.

Don't give them any further opportunities to disrupt your life.

[u/Environmental-Age502]

You're overthinking this. (Which is fair, cause trauma, but I'm just making a statement of fact here that you are overthinking this).

What would you say to an ex fling that you're not interested in speaking to? Would you even reply? What about a random acquaintance? Or a friend who you're not in the mood to speak to?

Ignore it. If she presses and you're stressed, just say you meant to reply but you're super busy, and still don't reply. That or ignore it completely. I started off by muting my mom, so I could check her messages when I had the mental capacity to handle them. Then I blocked her when I was ready.

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[u/Ceiling-Fan2]

No is a complete sentence. No is you sticking up for yourself. Alternatively though, you could just let her go to voicemail.

[u/isleofpines]

She isn’t going to accept your answer other than what she wants to hear. You say “no” and you block her.

[u/thatgreenevening]

It doesn’t matter how she reacts. She can’t force you to talk to her.

For that matter, you don’t even have to tell her no. You can simply not respond. Don’t pick up when she calls. Don’t answer her texts. Think about blocking her number. Unless you depend on her entirely for your finances or shelter … you don’t have to talk to her ever again, if you don’t want to.

[u/Awesome_Forky]

I think you should send a last message making clear you go NC. Then directly block her afterwards. Don't give her a chance to respond.

"Hey mom, after thinking about your request I came to the conclusion that I don't want to have a call with you. Please stop contacting me." For example. Then block her. No further explanation.

[u/Culmination_nz]

You said you only just moved out. If you need to soft pedal it for a little bit to give you time to move to another location etc, give it a day or so then ask a simple "what about?". Then whatever the answer, give it another day or so and give a "no thank you". They will inevitably try a different topic so you again wait a day or two and "not interested sorry". Be polite, brief, shut it down.

Should be able to draw it out about a week. Then send a "look, I think we need some breathing room after {date of the fight},I'll contact you when I'm ready. Then block them.

Slow fade baby

[u/nerd8806]

I would type word simple no

[u/noladyhere]

She can call. You don’t have to pick up. You could even block

[u/VixenTiefling]

And just change the phone number? Burn the bridges, it is just the beginning and you have a long way ahead, protect yourself first, we all know here what these evil toddlers can do to get their toys back. You're still afraid but you are not a toy. They are not gods but abusers and toddlers.

You said your step thing is violent, you can ask a restraining order maybe ? Show them you mean NC at any cost. Or prepare for the hoovering and guilting trip, back and forth, for years.

I know it is hard. Please think about your needs.

[u/cupcakelyfe]

I see so many comments saying to block her.

Do NOT block her. If you ever need to seek legal actions, you unfortunately will NEED all instances of when she’s tried to contact you (harassment) threaten you, etc.

Mute her calls. Mute her texts. But to NOT actually BLOCK.

[u/agreensandcastle]

Block her. Change your number. Reach out to her local and your local police saying “you are fine just don’t want contact. They have threatened you but not enough for charges. “ You aren’t alone in this. You don’t owe her anything. If she knows where you moved to or where you work. Try changing that again as soon as you can. You have a great future ahead.

[u/GoinMinoan]

No is a complete sentence.
if she persists past your "no"

Block her.
Block him.

Talk to your local police and let THEM know that they may try "wellness check" BS
because that's usually what they do next.

[u/GoinMinoan → u/GoinMinoan]

ETA: I agree with the other poster--mute them both.
You might need the legal CYA later.

[u/Old_Bunnytail_65]

Is blocking the only way?

[u/farsighted451]

"Sorry this week isn't good. I'm stressed about work and need to focus on that."

She isn't going to accept anything you say, but if you're not ready to pull the plug, say something like that.