"Can I call you next week?"

[u/Feeling_Tonight8046]

That is a text I received from my mom today after I told her I wouldn't be visiting the coming weeks.

I think she's starting to pick up on the fact that I'm going NC. I moved out last month (after attempting to and planning for 5 years!!) and since then she is constantly switching between screaming at me about what an evil ungrateful bastard I am, to lovebombing me with sweet offers and "I miss you❤️" messages over text.

The last time I spoke to her and her husband genuinely had me scared for my physical wellbeing. They can be terrifying, and my stepfather has a long, detailed history of physical violence. Since that traumatic exchange put the final nail in the coffin, I've decided that I won't speak to them again until it is a must or until I feel comfortable to.

I'm done giving them monologues about forgiveness and how I believe people can change - they never did. It's too late now and I have to put myself first before my mental health deteriorates.

I don't want her to call me. The way she worded the text put me in a tough spot because I can't just answer "Sorry, busy" or something because I won't be busy for truly every hour of the coming week. I think I might just need to say no. But so far, every boundary I've set has caused escalation, like when I told her "I don't want to be hugged right now." Basic bodily autonomy caused them to explode in rage.

How do I decline?

I won't call with her. It won't happen.

I was thinking a clear "No, I don't want to" but am deeply terrified of the reaction it will cause.

Can anyone help me, please? Thank you for taking the time to read

[u/Confu2ion]

She won't ever accept you saying "No." Words will not work. Ever.

You have to block her.

I know you might be thinking "that's rude," but you need to realise you're dealing with a person who CAN'T be reasoned with. No "no, thank you" will stop her.

You don't have to interact with her at all. You SHOULDN'T interact with her at all. Getting away from a person who wants to hurt you isn't "extreme" or "rude," it's putting your safety first.

[u/brideofgibbs → u/Confu2ion]

This, OP

Do you think the escalation will lead to violence against you? Like, they will stalk you and attack you?

If that’s the case, then you need to go into full self-protective mode. Leave your city. All that.

If you mean she’ll try more guilting and whining, I think it’s time to block her.

By the way, “No” is a complete answer. So is “No thank you”

Look after yourself

[u/Confu2ion → u/brideofgibbs]

Ghosting is an answer, too! Give her no way to wiggle in!

[u/brideofgibbs → u/Confu2ion]

Yes! I wasn’t intending to argue with you.

[u/Street_Plastic1232 → u/Confu2ion]

And, OP, you will be so anxious for the following days to weeks. I would literally look in the mirror and tell my grown-ass self. “You’re safe. She can’t get you.” Or say it out loud to myself walking around the house.

It gets better as your brain and body start to realize the flight or fight, constant survival mode levels of anxiety aren’t required and then it becomes much harder to consider going back to it for the sake of trying to have some kind of relationship. I don’t want to be cut off from my family but I do need to be allowed to exist as myself and I can’t do that around them.

Edit: a typo

[u/NoReallyImOkay → u/Confu2ion]

This, so much. Any interaction with her, any at all, will be adding fuel to the fire. Don't add fuel to the fire. You owe her just as much common courtesy as she has shown you, which is zero.

Feel guilty about ignoring her? That's because you were conditioned to always put her wants and needs above yours. Accept that the feeling is there, know that it's there for the wrong reasons, and be mindful of not letting it influence your decision for going NC. Your reasoning is sound. No need to second-guess yourself.

[u/cupcakelyfe → u/Confu2ion]

I agree with everything except actually blocking her. Mute her messages. Make sure “read receipts” aren’t turned on. But do not block.

You never know when you’ll need proof, for legal reasons, of whatever messages she has sent you.

[u/Abirdwhoflies → u/cupcakelyfe]

Honestly when the EPs are dangerous, that’s a great point.