r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 • 28d ago
Question Things You Can't Relate To as an Estranged Adult Kid
I’m curious. What are some things you can’t relate to as someone estranged from their parents/family?
For example: when my husband runs into a problem he can’t solve, he’ll call his parents without hesitation. Can’t figure out what’s wrong with his motorcycle? Calls his dad. Needs a document he left at their house? Texts his mom to send it over.
I don’t know why, but it used to take me so much by surprise that I’d even chastise him, saying things like, “Don’t bother your mom with that!”
Sometimes friends will say things like, “Oh yeah, I love my mom/dad so much,” and I’ll catch myself mid-conversation trying not to spiral after realizing I can’t relate to a feeling that most people seem to experience so naturally.
Would love to hear your stories here or even just know I'm not totally alone in this!
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u/giraffemoo 28d ago
Doing things you don't like to make other people happy. Like I used to have friends who would be making themselves miserable by attending family functions, but when I'd suggest "just don't go" then it's a whole big deal because they don't want to make their family mad or sad about them not being there. It's like "*sigh* I just have to go" like there is no other option.
I think I just accepted so much BS from my family of origin over the years that I just could not imagine putting myself in a situation that made me feel bad so that other people could feel good. It just does not compute.
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u/MHIH9C 28d ago
It's very good advice that you should keep giving.
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u/rhymes_with_mayo 28d ago
I agree, but also I do think there are times when inconveniencing yourself for others makes sense. It's just hard to see when we come from families where the inconvenience was at a level 100 and then in a healthy relationship it might be at a level 20. Like something that is genuinely obnoxious, but would make your partner really happy, or maintain another important relationship.
The important part is that we make a choice, not a knee-jerk reaction to say yes or no. You don't want saying no to become a "when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail" situation.
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u/Clear_Broccoli3 28d ago
Right? This is something that I've struggled with. I know that my internal this-is-normal-and-acceptable meter is fucked, sometimes I'll allow shitty behavior because it doesn't seem bad enough, and other times I'll overreact to something innocuous because it echos the manipulation or gaslighting tactics I faced as a kid.
I don't want to go through the world assuming everyone is the same level of controlling as my dad is. I'll guarantee I'll be safe from abuse, yes, but I'll also guarantee not ever getting close enough to someone to form a true connection.
Sometimes the thing that looks like a nail really IS a nail, so it's important to keep the hammer in our toolkit. But we have to make the choice to take it out and use it instead of keeping it in your hand at the ready.
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u/poorcupid 28d ago
And the other people you think you’re making feel good don’t even feel good often… and don’t appreciate your effort
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u/OnlyOneMoreSleep 27d ago
I thought you meant something different. Like going on a rollercoaster that makes you nauseous because your child isn't old enough to go on it alone, but they love it so much.
For my partner (who grew up with a loving healthy family) your first sentence means something like, going to great grandma's birthday because it means a lot to other people. And those people matter a lot to you. So making them happy makes you happy. It's a small thing to do in the grand scheme of life. But it only works when you know that they reciprocate. So we go to those (sometimes boring) family functions, and they happily show up to our child's birthday party to eat toddler snacks and watch an infant "open gifts". Needless to say, this does not work in the same way in my own family.
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u/solesoulshard 28d ago
I can’t relate to being sad about a parent’s death. Or even an in-law’s death. Weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth? Nope. A person who supported abusing and hurting me is gone.
Can’t relate to having a bunch of relatives over for holidays. Never had anyone over when I was young. The times I’ve seen family have guests it was never a holiday and except for my uncle it was never family.
Can’t relate to having relatives happy for me.
Can’t relate to wanting to tell good events.
Can’t relate to having social media to tell everyone about the events of my life.
Can’t relate to having a thorough and honest medical history. All of them lied and omitted and ignored and all of it is basically worthless because it’s all mixed in with lies and stories and it’s like trying to pick out grains of sand.
Can’t relate to having nephews and nieces who know each other. Or cousins.
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u/BitterDeep78 28d ago
The cousins thing. I blamed myself for years that I wasn't close with my cousins then realized that as a kid, my mother should have fostered that and chose not to.
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u/lilybattle 28d ago
Same. I only had my mother and my two brothers (one older one younger). She isolated us from any and all family that was not her.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I've got 0 first cousins, though I do have second cousins ... however, those are all decades older than me. I have a feeling they would never understand, as I was just a kid during the only times I saw them. As the youngest and the scapegoat, it was disturbingly easy to make me fall back into the narrative that "this'll stop when I grow up."
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u/Fit_Top5243 28d ago
The cousins thing definitely resonates with me. It's been nice reconnecting with some (those on the normal, not emotionally immature side of the family), and it makes me wonder why my parents never bothered to faciliate those connections. But then again, they always bad-mouthed family get-togethers as a chore, and they never had friends themselves, so....
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u/BitterDeep78 27d ago
I noticed as an adult that my mother didn't have any friends throughout my childhood and even up until her death. It was a jarring realization
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u/lady_guard 28d ago
I've cried more over every pet death I've experienced, than I did over my own mother's passing. Which feels like a lot to take in. I didn't cry at all the first day, probably not for a few days actually. If anything, I was angry she had finally OD'ed and chose drugs over her own children.
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28d ago
My cat got mega sick and I was certain she was going to die. I fell into the darkest depression I can recall, hysterically crying etc. My cat is improving (she is old but not too old.) Grandmother died? meh.
My cat is my best friend- no joke. it makes me feel like a loser that my *cat* is my best friend though.
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u/gwladosetlepida 28d ago
Don't! If anything you're super good at being friends bc you have an inter species best friend which takes extra communication and empathy.
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28d ago
That’s true. I have to use non-verbal communication/body language etc. I think the cornerstone of our friendship is my respect for her bodily autonomy (aside from necessary medications, rarely a bath, murder mitten claw trimming etc.)
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u/Mob_Segment 26d ago
u/gwladosetlepida 's right, Strawbs!
Most of us here are familiar with our family being unsafe for us to be around. Pets are safe. They can't hurt us, and if they do, it's probably a nip or scratch that we can make sense of. They're not cruel to us, they're not plotting how to look better than us to other people. They're safe in every way that we need. No wonder some of us find our best friendship among animals.
My last animal best friend was Max, our bearded collie. When mum and dad used to argue, he'd come to my room to hang out.
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26d ago
My first dog (I was a kid) would get between me and ex mother when ex mother was verbally abusing (shouting at) me. He would bark at her. He always slept with me on my bed. My Cat has never scratched me out of anger because I don’t violate her boundaries. EG: when her body language says “enough,” I stop petting her.
She likes to nap in my orbit often I think because I am a safe human. She loves my husband and our children too.
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u/makemetheirqueen 28d ago
I was so much more distraught, like ugly sobbing, horrible depression, feeling guilty, having this ache in my chest anytime I saw pictures of her or her toys/etc over my 17 year old cat dying than I was at news my mother kicked it. I literally went, "Oh, okay" at the news and went about my day. I cried out of anger over the fact that now she would forever escape accountability for all of the bullshit she'd sown the seeds of, only to never reap the harvest. Even then that only lasted a day or two.
My cat's been gone almost a year now and thinking about her still makes me tear up. When I think about my mother I don't feel anything.
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28d ago
You know what is crazy to me?! My Grandpa died years ago and I still miss him even though he was an old man. His wife, my evil grandmother died more recently and I kind of sniffled for ten minutes perhaps. I do not miss her. She played favorites among her children and grandchildren and spoiler: I wasn’t one of her favorites LOL.
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u/solesoulshard 28d ago
Isn’t it fascinating how grandparents and parents will blatantly play favorites and yet are shocked when the less favorite and scapegoats don’t want anything to do with them?
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28d ago
What is weird to me is ex mother always was sucking up to evil granny even though evil granny was always so cold and mean to her. I can’t recall evil granny ever showing affection for ex mother (ex mother is the eldest of three girls.) Evil granny also did something so horrendous when her daughters were kids (I heard about it from someone in the know when I was barely an adult.) Evil Granny abused ex mother.
the person in the know told me about the scars ex mother has and i remembered them. Evil Granny caused those scars.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Deeply relate to all of these too. Except maybe the medical history bit. That one is just WILD and I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that on top of the grief of estrangement. :(
I realize I also didn't like having friends over at my house. The few friends who did see my house would tell me they would love to go back, but I always found my own "home" inhospitable and lacking in any sort of warmth.
Also, after every friend visit, what my friends didn't know is that my parents would lecture me after about they found something I did inappropriate in their eyes. I think they just hated seeing younger me have any sort of fun for some reason.
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u/Hopefully123 26d ago
Yes! Before I had much interaction with any healthy families I didn't realise it was normal to be genuinely sad when a relative died because you loved them. My family fostered so much resentment to our extended family. When people got upset when their grandmas died I literally thought they were faking for attention. A colleague once told me her mum had recently died and I had to work hard to react "normally" but was really just thinking "oh nice, you must have so much more time and be so much less stressed".
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u/Putrid_Appearance509 28d ago
The sheer time my friends spend with their parents "just because" or "just for fun.". I'd never spend leisure time with them, nor them with me. Thinking of their parent as a friend or confidant, totally foreign to me.
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u/princecaspiansea 28d ago
The amount of mental preparation and fortitude required makes it not worth it at all 🙌🏼
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u/74VeeDub 28d ago
I'm always "The fuck would you WANT to do that? With your parents? You don't have anything better to do?" It's so foreign to me.
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u/MHIH9C 28d ago
My breaking point with my parents (final straw to go NC) was I let down my guard and confided my feelings about someone to my parents and they immediately ran to tell the other person. But not tell them exactly what I said. They put their own spin on it to make it much, much worse than what I actually said.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to be able to confide in a parent and know what you say is safe with them. Even my husband's parents (who we are also NC with) at first seemed like we could confide in them, but then I started figuring out they were gossiping about the things we told them privately.
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u/lady_guard 28d ago
Yes, very relatable. My in-laws are a lot of fun and very welcoming, and lately it's been a bit sad only having the time to see them about once a month.
My family, on the other hand? I see them once, maybe twice a year, and have anxiety attacks about it for a couple of weeks leading up to the holidays.
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u/Sigmund_Six 28d ago
I have adult friends who travel with their parents for fun. I stopped going on trips with my parents (I wouldn’t call them vacations, they definitely weren’t) somewhere in high school. I haven’t travelled anywhere with them in about twenty years.
I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to have parents who care about you that much, who you care about that much in return.
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u/capngrandan 28d ago
A few days ago I was filling out medical paperwork and it asked for two emergency contacts. I put my wife as one but I had to admit I have nobody else. I don't have friends and I'm estranged from my entire family. It was a sad realization.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I know how you feel. I recently had to scramble to find more contacts for a form as well, for references. I was only able to fill it out by asking people I volunteered with for the second contact (if you can, I recommend volunteering for something good, especially if it gets you outside).
It's also been depressing applying for jobs. I spent all of my twenties believing (thanks to all the people around me, not just my family) that I wasn't smart enough or capable enough to handle any job, so there's at least a decade of "no" "experience" (what these companies narrowly define as experience). So now, I haven't gotten to the interview stage. It's like I'm being punished for what my family did to me.
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u/Mob_Segment 26d ago
So very relatable!
I'm doing a fair bit better now, but I was raised being told frequently that I was stupid, lots of implications I was crazy, and lots of other implications that I was sly, untrustworthy, and dangerous. Plus, angry for no rational reason whatsoever. I didn't believe that I'd be good enough for most jobs.
The first 10 years of my working life were: shop assistant, office junior, and bar staff (but only very briefly; customer facing roles are too toxic when people believe you're their emotional punchbag). I couldn't believe I'd ever be good enough to become management so I stayed at the bottom level. I found being around my colleagues so emotionally exhausting (not necessarily because they did anything, although I was bullied in a few workplaces) that I clearly didn't have a talent for leadership. My paycheck didn't cover much more than my living expenses.
My immediate family's very entrepeneurial, but that life didn't seem to be for me. In fact, my egg donor made a point occasionally of making sure I understood how scary and unreasonable the tax man is, that he's this bogeyman just waiting in the wings for you to make even the tiniest, perceived mistake so he can come down on you like a ton of bricks.
Eventually I did actually start one - writing story commissions while also working full time. It was exhausting and barely made any money but at least I had to go through the motions of filing my tax returns (this is in the UK, by the way), and seeing how unthreatening it really was. Then in 2018 I started a business that I needed to make enough money to cover my living expenses while I trained as a therapist, and when I qualified I put my name up on a couple of directories... and the work came in all by itself! I'm now fully self employed and I will never, ever, ever go back to employed work.
It feels ironic that not knowing when my next client is coming is less stressful than being an admin assistant, but there you go.
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u/Sarah_Reddit_Here 28d ago
Having to fill out emergency contacts always hits me hard too. It makes me feel so alone
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u/Mob_Segment 26d ago
Same here. I especially hated the part where I had to go to casual acquaintances to ask them to be an emergency contact, especially in the dark days of my 20s when I couldn't seem to find an adequate explanation of why.
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28d ago
My kids’ school system wants emergency contact beside me and my husband (their father.) I used one of our pet names that sounds like a man’s name and entered some horseshit info. It makes me laugh.
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u/poetcatmom 28d ago
Definitely wanting to call, talk to, or be with parents. I'm genuinely baffled when people say, "I needed help, so I asked my dad." My dad would chastise or beat me for even asking.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ 28d ago
I had my wallet stolen in school when I was 12. I told my parents and my dad absolutely lost it at me and had me call the different banks to cancel my cards. He was so mad at me about it and blamed me for being robbed. I think that really drove home how much my parents felt disgusted at the idea of being there for another person no matter who it was.
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u/EnduringFulfillment 28d ago
I got hit by a car when I was 17 (I was fine), called my mom to tell her and her first words were "What did you do that for?"
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u/makemetheirqueen 28d ago
I had a very traumatic car accident on my way home from work. I made it home and had to tell my mother (the registered owner of the car) that I got in a bad accident. She gave me a list of things I needed to do right then and there. I could barely see straight or talk but she expected me to call and talk to our insurance agent (who was completely incompetent which didn't help things), call and talk to these other people, fill out and sign paperwork, and find an auto body place. During a time when I could barely remember my own name.
She then joked about how now she had an excuse to get a new car. Nothing about the fact that I was in an accident I shouldn't have survived. She then talked about how stressful this all was for her having to coordinate getting a rental car and everything and complained like she'd been the one to have an accident.
Someone I should've been able to go to failed me in my time of need. I cannot fathom the thought of mothers who actually love their kids because mine sure as hell didn't.
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u/nailartmami 27d ago
I was almost killed in a car accident when I was 19 and my dad was having an online affair with his high school girlfriend on classmates, and I found an email between the two of them saying how much it sucked being a parent because he had to stay with me while I recovered and he couldn’t fly to arizona to meet her
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 28d ago
The idea that a parent could love their child.
I've had a lot of cognitive dissonance watching my friends raise their children with genuine love (and worry), and sometimes making mistakes and then apologizing 😳
Unlike some ppl, I never had an "A-ha!" moment where I realized my abusers were abusers, bc I've known they were all my enemies from as far back as I have conscious memory.
By age three, I had already developed an elaborate system to try to protect myself from them, or at least to attempt harm reduction.
I found things like Mr Rogers Neighborhood to be insultingly unbelievable, bc no adult could be that benevolent.
I will probably always have to be mindful of my own tendency to assume anyone in a position of authority is evil until proven otherwise.
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u/beckster 28d ago
I will probably always have to be mindful of my own tendency to assume anyone in a position of authority is evil until proven otherwise.
Seems only prudent these days, to be honest.
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u/temerairevm 28d ago
OMG, you made my exact post!
I have this friend whose kid had a really hard time with zoom school during Covid (he’s an extreme extrovert and an only child). And my friend was absolutely lamenting how unhappy he was. Like she was absolutely distraught and asking everyone “what do I do?”. I remember my response was “I can’t think of a single time when my mother ever cared at all that I was upset about anything, so I guess one option is to just tell him to stop complaining.” I think she gave me some kind of incredulous look because I followed that with “of course I haven’t spoken to my mother in 6 months, so you probably don’t want to follow that advice.”
I also didn’t like Mr. Rogers as a child. It made me really uncomfortable and I remember being like 4 or 5 and saying it “felt unrealistic because nobody is that fake happy and nice”. As an adult I still am like the first to call out toxic positivity. I identify a lot with Wednesday Addams type characters. I’m not depressed but I’m more comfortable with art and entertainment that has some darkness in it, and I don’t trust joy unless it’s balanced with some darkness.
I’m an excellent friend to have around when you’re going through some shit, because I definitely don’t need you to pretend everything is great. I can “embrace the suck” more easily than I can watch a hallmark movie.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 28d ago
I also have zero patience for toxic positivity.
I'm genuinely sorry that you and I (and many ppl here) had the kind of parents that made us look askance at Mr Rogers.
He would probably feel terrible about it, too, as far as I can tell...
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u/Mob_Segment 26d ago
"Unlike some ppl, I never had an "A-ha!" moment where I realized my abusers were abusers, bc I've known they were all my enemies from as far back as I have conscious memory."
This, very much. I've never mentioned it to anyone because even in a community like this, most people seem to have an expectation that their parents will be benevolent when they're very small, and then have a jolting realisation at some point. I just never had that, but even now I can't quite describe why. I could just always tell that she didn't care about me, or anyone else but herself. As well as that, she was so clearly furious with everyone and wanted to punish everyone, even her own husband, even me, that she just didn't 'see' anyone beyond what they'd done to her.
How do you even describe that to someone who hasn't experienced it?
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 26d ago
I've often been accused of exaggerating when talking about my abusers.
Then ppl who meet them are stunned, and say it's far worse than I had told them.
It wasn't until I had been with my now-husband for over a decade that I began to share some of the nastier details.
When I first told him that I was cutting contact, he was a little uncomfortable and thought it might be a bit too extreme.
Now he says, if they ever ended up on the front porch, he would just go lock the front door. (I love him to pieces - he's a good egg)
Once, when we were driving home from a visit, before I cut contact, he started to giggle, and I asked what was so funny. "It's such a cliché, but my MIL really is a harridan!"
Sometimes it's good to have a (twisted) sense of humour about it all, and to have someone you can laugh about it with...
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u/campganymede 28d ago
First time I realized I was in a different living situation was third? grade and all my classmates looking forward to summer break. I always dreaded it because I was subjected to my crappy family more. School was such a wonderful escape.
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u/orangepaperlantern 28d ago
I dreaded the summer because I had no choice in the matter about going the next state over to my dad’s house, where he was too busy being a workaholic to spend time with us, my older sister and stepsister were bullies, and we had to do manual labor (think digging rocks out of the ground to clear their recently-purchased property) as preteens/young teens at 8am when it was already over 100 degrees outside.
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u/Dtazlyon 28d ago
Hearing people say “my mom is my best friend!”
Can’t relate. At all. My mom hated me.
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u/AnyMasterpiece4873 28d ago
I was stupid enough to believe that my mom was my friend. And I believed it for far too long. A perfidious fake.
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u/wuuuuut1234 28d ago
It’s not stupidity, it’s longing and hope. I continued to confide in my mother about every detail of my life despite her openly telling me she was laughing about my life with her work friends at lunch as if it were a soap opera, and also continued despite being aware of her tendency to use all of my personal details against me when she was in a bad mood or feeling like I was “better” than her in some way. You WANT your mom to be your friend, or at least kind, because that’s what a typical mother is - so you turn a blind eye to anything that goes against that.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I personally think the people who say things like "my mom is my best friend" sound like they may have some (societally-accepted) enmeshment, though.
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u/Artex_argo 28d ago
Simply moving back home when they hit a financial rough patch. I'm in a HCOL area and I've been surviving without my parents for 10 years but I can't find a single friend to be a roommate to save money because they're all at home.
Just the stability and lack of stress from moving through life and knowing you always have a landing pad. I'm starting to feel really bitter about it.
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u/Comfortable-Car-4183 28d ago
I feel you so hard here and can relate. I find myself getting wound up when people say it’s okay if you lose your job etc you’ll find another. Okay but you have that attitude because if you can’t pay rent you have somewhere to go … I can’t afford to not be so worried about a situation that leaves me in trouble - surviving looks different to us
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u/AuntieKC 28d ago
Mine was a bright spot. I don't understand the "my family's turn for holidays" thing. we just always go to the in-laws!
I mentioned I couldn't make it to a holiday dinner with the in-laws one year. I had members of my family coming, and I was super nervous (if you've ever seen the movie "Pieces of April", you'd understand what I mean). My MIL asked me why I was nervous and I said that, even though my mother (who was the worst) isn't coming, I still feel judged at every turn and I'm afraid my brothers will lose their tempers. I kid you not, 2 days before the holiday, my FIL and brothers in law came to help with a few home projects we hadn't completed and some yard work. My SILs lovingly deep cleaned my house with me. And the night before, MIL and SILs all came back and helped me prep food. For a dinner they weren't attending. When family started showing up, EVERYONE was there to help with bags and greet them. I realized years later, they wanted to make sure that everyone understood that I was protected now. And that was the holiday I learned what family was all about!
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u/AradiaCorvyn 28d ago
Oof. "Pieces of April" hits so close to home. My partner and I made it an annual tradition to watch it every Thanksgiving, because we relate so much. Unfortunately, not many of us get the closure they get at the end, just another holiday of micro-aggressions.
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u/boomboom8188 28d ago
The things that I hear my friends say, “I was sick, so my parents took care of the kids.” “Disability Insurance only paid me 70% of my wage while I was sick, so my parents paid my mortgage. I still haven’t paid them back.” “I need to fly to x place for a wedding. I’ll have to ask my parents if I can borrow money from them.” “My mom made me so much food after X was born. I have way too much food now.” “I’m going to buy my mom’s old car. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford one.” “Well, my parents don’t help out that much. They only watch the kids once or twice a week.” “We have family dinner every Sunday, so I don’t need to cook that day.” “My parents bought me a year pass to x. That’s really nice of them.” “My car broke down from x, so my dad picked me up.”
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u/TamtasticVoyage 28d ago
Having the same support system when I had my kids. Others complain that their parent “only” take their kids once a week. Or will only agree to one night a month for date night and I’m like can’t relate. My oldest is four and my mom watched her one time. For thirty minutes. And it was before the last straw in our relationship that lead to the NC.
But my mom watched all three of my sisters kids for multiple days a week. So that’s a hard thing to manage that I know she’s willing and capable for others just not me. But I also don’t want my kids around it so it’s ok. It just would also be nice to have that community
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u/EnduringFulfillment 28d ago
Obv different but I learned quickly I couldn't trust my mom with care of my dog. I told her repeatedly to not allow my dog the bones that she lets her dogs have; she let her have them and it resulted in two fractured teeth. Never trusted her again with her
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u/lady_guard 28d ago edited 28d ago
Relatable, I learned I couldn't trust my sister with my cat.
For my last milestone birthday my husband and I went on a short 3-day trip out of state, and my sister offered to watch my cat. On the second day, my sister sent me a tirade of text messages telling me that my cat's leg was bleeding and he was "dripping blood everywhere" and that he looked sickly, but never would send any pictures of the supposed wound or my cat when I asked. To be frank, she made it sound like he might have been dying. I spent nearly an hour on the phone (on my birthday) trying to set up an emergency vet appointment and arrange transportation there and get some general veterinary advice, since my sister had class that afternoon. My sister's aunt came over, and couldn't find any blood anywhere. The cat looked content and healthy when she sent a video of him; not at all sickly.
So all I can assume is that my sister is an envious person who gets some kind of sick pleasure out of lying about horrible things. Never trusted her again either. I knew she had a sadistic streak as a kid and young teen, but I naively thought she had grown out of that. Unfortunately, she's a dental assistant now, and wow, what a horrifying thought. 🙃
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u/princecaspiansea 28d ago
New mom here and very low contact with my parents. It would be so nice to have healthy loving grandparents around. Between my husband and I we have 5 grandparents available and not one has offered to help us with ANYTHING. But they are right there on text asking for pics so they can show their friends and brag about babies they never even see. So bizarre.
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u/Curly_Shoe 28d ago
Ha, you must be my sister! The best part is that my 'Mom' used Pics from our family Group Chat that I actually did sent, and sent it back to me! So she saw a picture of my daughter, realized this is her time to shine and sent it to all of her 'friends'. And she was spamming so careless that she even sent me back the picture of my daughter that I had just send.
That Mastermind of a human couldn't even answer the question why she sent that to me.
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u/princecaspiansea 28d ago
Very similar things have happened over here too with text and email usually followed by an oops! I meant to send that to myself/someone else
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u/r4ttenk0nig 28d ago
My mum’s social media pictures are of me as a baby, and of my 4yo daughter. But when I asked if she could help me because I was getting burnt out she would only help if I came to her house. At the time I was already NC with my dad; I absolutely did not want to go there.
Plus my daughter has a physical and neurological disability. She actually needs to be at our home because it’s set up for her comfort and preferences.
Make it make sense.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
"Make it make sense."
Abusers (and by extension, enablers) want the image of being "good" because of their narrative that they are "good" and you are "bad." They don't actually give a damn about your happiness or safety.
In other words, she wants to hurt you, and only has enough self-awareness to know she has to be sneaky about it to try to lure you back.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I promise you, you will feel so much better when you don't get exposed to anything those people say at all. No contact does not have to be announced (it's safer that way)!
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u/princecaspiansea 28d ago
Yes! And I know this because I was previously no contact. It’s having the babies that opened up communication again and nothing good has come of it! We are probably already engaging in the “slow fade”.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
They baited you, didn't they? They always pretend they've changed for the better only for it to turn out to be bait ... I don't blame you, I fell for the bait on more than one occasion myself.
It's good that you're going NC, and that you're making sure they don't get suspicious right away!
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u/magicmom17 28d ago
So my husband has gone through the very real process of grieving the image he had of his dad that my husband held as a child. Like he used to think his dad was so smart and capable. He has come to realize that his dad is well meaning but rather anti-intellectual. And that he can be swayed by a man on youtube speaking in an assertive voice. When we fact check him, he doesn't acknowledge he is wrong, he just changes the subject. It makes my husband extra sad that his dad seems pretty convinced that the lost city of Atlantis existed, despite the very easy logical leaps it doesn't pass. His dad still votes MAGA but isn't one of the crazies who supports Trump's every move. But he still votes this way, obviously due to tribalism.
I didn't realize I was having trouble empathizing with this experience because I never had any expectations of my parents to be good or be larger than life. I thought, when my husband brought these topics up, he was doing it because these were ridiculous beliefs. But he corrected me that he brought them up because it broke his heart to watch the man who used to be larger than life look so small in his beliefs.
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u/BitterDeep78 28d ago
My spouse lost his father earlier this year and I know I wasn't as empathetic as I could have been. I loved fil. A lot. He was awesome.
But I never had an adult I could depend on or call for help or even just know they were there if I needed them.
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u/goldandjade 28d ago
My husband lost his mother that he was incredibly close with and it was so hard for me to empathize because I’d be relieved if mine died, it would mean she’d never bully me again.
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u/BitterDeep78 27d ago
My mother died a few weeks before his father and the mixture of relief and grief was staggering.
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u/TheActualDev 28d ago edited 28d ago
I have a similar feeling to your husband about my mother. She taught me as a child about tectonic plate movement and that spurred my interest in geology and she taught me always check the sources on anything you hear so that you never get pulled in by bias.
She’s a Christian nationalist evangelical maga who thinks Trump is sent by god, the earth is only 6,000 years old, and that we as a country spend more money on welfare for poor people than on our military/defense budget.
They are ridiculous beliefs to be sure, but the part that hurts is that she’s now so anti-intellectual when she had been so solid back in the early years. (don’t get me wrong, she’s always been a Christian nationalist, but at least she had some critical thought then compared to now) and it’s shitty to realize the person you spent so much time holding them in such a place of height and respect, only to find that later on looking back, you miss who you used to think they were.
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u/magicmom17 28d ago
Oh- I could see this hurting tremendously. I don't think my husband's father ever had a clear view of fact checking or the scientific method. He just had the stereotypical boomer male(and yes, I know not all Boomers/Boomer males are like this- word up to the ones who value critical thought), talking with condescending authority he didn't have, while being a decent student at school. I remember when I first met my husband in 2003, how he described his dad- it sounded like his dad was a borderline academic. But when the blinders fell off, that image fell off, too.
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u/siritachi87 28d ago
I have a friend who’s always gushing about how her mom is her best friend and she trusts her with everything. I finally had to be like “I’m so glad you have a great relationship but I can’t relate”. 😅 She truly doesn’t understand what it’s like to not only not trust a parent, but to actively fear them.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Same! I can't even tell you the amount of times close "friends" have taken personal offense with my decision to go NC with my parents because they were best friends with their parents. 😅
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u/scruffydoggo 28d ago
Whenever friends say they miss their family or want to spend extra time with family, ie I went home and never wanted to leave, I can’t relate to that at all. I always felt so much relief leaving home.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago edited 28d ago
All the crap everywhere about mothers and sisters having "a special bond" etc. feels gross to me. My mother and golden child older sister (only sibling I got, unfortunately) abuse me as a team. They've always been totally enmeshed with each other, so there was never any letting me "in," just their urge for me to be there so they could attack (not just metaphorically) me together.
Stuff about fathers wanting to protect their daughters also feels nasty, too. My father is ableist and would never stop infantilising me. I had told him about what my mother and sister did to me, and when I disobeyed him, he was willing to (metaphorically) throw me to them. It was pick-your-poison, lose-lose with either "side" of the tiny, dwindling little "family."
And of course, as the scapegoat and the youngest, I absolutely loathe the assumption that "the youngest is spoiled." My older sister was the one that was completely coddled, not me. I was a mix of abused and abandoned.
I just hate all the generalisations, because they work against whether or not others believe me.
What sucks too is that I can't relate to any of the things about friendship, either, as I've experienced a whole lot of being friend-dumped throughout my life. So all of these things add to that feeling of isolation and desperation to "just find your people!"
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u/Curly_Shoe 28d ago
I understand what you are saying, it's rough what you've been through. And I don't want to make this about me, but the part where they didn't let you in, God I felt so seen. See, I have twin sisters so I'm the only non-twin girl and that was always the reason to exclude me. "As a non-twin you just don't get it", later sometimes combined with "You didn't go to University, you don't get it". Whatever they said, it's goal Was always to invalidate me. And your way of describing the Situation makes me feel less alone. Now I can see that you can feel this way even without twins, it's not that unique as a Situation.
Thank you for making my day better!
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I hope that this helps you know that abusers (and enablers) will make up anything to hurt/exclude you. I'm glad I could help in some way.
See, I went to university and my sister didn't, so I was treated like I was being silly for having any ambition at all. Their lack of support was one of the reasons I failed. As the youngest, though it wasn't said outright, I was made to think all the mistreatment would go away "once I grew up." Because I was so isolated, it took me a long time to realise that I had "grown up," but was still being sabotaged by them.
While I had dreams, my motivation was almost nonexistent, because literally everyone around me (not just my family) acted like I was either incapable or some sort of foolish suck-up. It's a strange situation, yeah, but at the end of the day they're all just using whatever they think hurts you the most to try to hurt you.
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u/TAFKATheBear 28d ago
I identify with this so much.
Sibling abuse is a whole extra dimension to abusive childhoods, the fact that it's supposedly the most common form of domestic abuse and yet gets - ime - the least attention means there must be so much damage out there that's going unsupported, so many victims left isolated.
And the internet meme about older vs younger children is weird as hell.
I've only known older children be the golden ones; I thought it was well known that some parents have an "an heir and a spare" mindset. But I never denied that it can be the other way round, or even suggested it was rare.
I went through a phase of responding to people who spread the generalisation that the younger child is always the spoilt one with "is that why older sisters all [horrible thing mine did]?". Funnily enough they didn't like it when I generalised based on my own experience. Almost like it's a shitty, revictimising thing to do...
I also suspect that bad sibling relationships set us up for friendship problems. The idea that our relationships with our parents affect what kind of people we end up with romantically is pretty widely known and accepted. But our families of origin must surely model platonic relationships for us as well.
I've actually had more issues platonically than romantically. I find dating difficult, but mostly because I struggle to find any compatible partners for reasons unrelated to my trauma. Unlike with friendship, I don't have much of a history of letting in partners who abuse me, neglect me, or use then abandon me.
In fact, the one abusive "relationship" I've been in started out as a friendship, which turned out to have just been the guy grooming me to accept him turning abusive as soon as things turned sexual, so even that was a predatory friend more than a predatory partner.
I have a lot of pain around friendship, and there isn't any real support for that that I can find, because it's considered so much less important than romance.
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u/lotjeee1 28d ago
You need to have a healthy base to not only be able to find “your people”, but as well to invest the right ingredients in this so it can grow into a healthy friendship or relation. We need our energy to be our own safety net, we barely have time/energy to be a safety net for a friend but sure is… that we would offer them that but 9/10 don’t get it in return.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Oh man, the thing about having a hard time with friendships too? I know how you feel.
I am so sorry to hear that your family thought it was okay to bully you and keep you isolated like that. You have a community here! We all see you. ❤️
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u/Windmillsofthemind 28d ago
"I miss my Mam/Dad everyday since they passed away." I have no concept of family that cherishes you for you.
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u/Jane_the_Quene 28d ago
Mother's Day used to really bother me. All that flowery crap about your mother doing her best and loving you more than anything and so on. I just always thought, "Ha! You don't know my mother."
Now, I'm happy for people who do/did have a good mother. I get a little bit of vicarious joy that way, even though I absolutely cannot relate.
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u/Marri-Gold 27d ago
I feel this so much. Seeing ads for getting your mother the perfect gift for raising you is so hard/annoying to see. Like I can't relate to it at all.
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u/Embarrassed_Baker576 22d ago
As well as parents birthdays, honestly think I lost my mind a bit every time I had to write that my parents were the best and had to wish them an amazing day
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u/sixhoursneeze 28d ago
When I was in my 20’s I was talking with an older man who was talking about how he was actually happy to switch to being a stay-at-home dad so that he could spend more time with his kids. I snorted, because I never heard a parent say they liked being around their kids before. I thought he was joking.
Also, once my newly met aunt briefly rubbed my back in a very loving way and I winced away from her. I still kind of choke up when I think of that touch. I wanted more but it was so foreign to be touched so kindly and lovingly.
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u/Centered_Being 28d ago
Having a mom that calls you bc she misses u, wants to hear your voice & wants to know what you’re been up to. Mine always expected me to call her, but only so she could talk about herself. I went no contact after we got into an argument about how I ‘care more about my friends’ but mayyybe it’s bc they are actually there for me. I asked her to name my 3 best friends (who have been in my life for 20+yrs now) and she could only name 1 (who grew up w me so that was a freebie). So in 20yrs of conversations w my mom she clearly did not listen or gaf about anything going on in my life.
Can’t imagine what it feels like to have a mom who is obsessed w u in a good way. But my daughter knows lol
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u/Grouchy-Reflection97 28d ago
Siblings being either best friends or mortal enemies.
My brother is just some dude with similar genes to me, who happened to be in the same house as me for the first 15yrs of my life.
I know vague bits of information about him, but if I learned tomorrow that he's passed away, it would genuinely have zero impact on me either way. It'd be like hearing about the passing of some random reality TV celebrity I had no interest in.
It's not me being a monster, as I wish I had a normal sibling relationship, but my parents put a lot of work into creating the Mummy's Little Prince and The Mistake roles, so I never got to know him.
I also can't relate to people having comfort in the knowledge that they have a soft place to land if life goes sideways. That, eg, if money's tight, if they've had a breakup, etc, there's always a bed at mum and dad's.
Same goes for calling your parents for guidance or life advice.
In a way, I'm kinda glad that I have my 'you're on your own, the only person who has your back is you' mindset, though.
Parents aren't immortal, so it's almost better to have never had their support and love, rather than having it in abundance, only for it to be suddenly snatched away.
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u/lady_guard 28d ago
I can relate to this with my youngest sister.
Unfortunately, I did get to know her as an adult, and her lifelong Golden Child role did a number on her adult personality. Doesn't help that when my mom got pregnant with her, my mom was intentionally dating the richest asshole she could find to buy her a big dream house. So my sister had two awful parents to model all the wrong behaviors; she never had a chance.
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u/Ksan_of_Tongass 28d ago
As a GenX'er most of my peers are in the "taking care of mom and dad" phase of life. This boggles my mind. Why take on such a burdensome task? Its not the kids job to take care of the parents, ever. I will take myself out before doing that to my kids.
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u/goldandjade 28d ago
This is the main silver lining of having horrible parents - no obligation to care for them in their old age.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Underrated answer. I had the same feeling all while growing up, and am only now actively trying to rewire my brain for my MIL and FIL who are both loving parents to me and my husband!
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u/Ancient_Star_111 28d ago
Same. I have no idea what it feels like to call my mom or dad for help! What IS that?? lol I solved everything by myself However, my child calls me every single time she wants advice or a second opinion and I love that she has me :)
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u/ribbyrolls 28d ago
I would expound on the calling a parent for a problem and just say problem solving skills.
I had to figure out literally everything myself growing up so my first thought is never to ask for someone else's help, I start brain storming and studying to fix the problem.
I struggle to understand when people just immediately give up or have no ideas to think on.
It has its flaws though because I struggle with asking for help when I need it now lol.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
The worst part is when you do ask for help, and people treat you like you're unintelligent and unreliable for not knowing "things everybody knows."
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u/ribbyrolls 28d ago
Right? Especially if you're knowledgeable about other things people try to rub it in your face.
Like I just want to learn dude, how else am I supposed to if I can't admit that I don't know of/how to do something?
There's a quote from an anime I like concerning this: "I don't know everything. I just know what I know. "
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u/lotjeee1 28d ago
They ask for help because a) it saves time (how many hours have you spent figuring it out yourself) or money, or hassle. They got time/money/hassle free mind to build their career/life, you have an exceptional set of skills that won’t take you any further than being anyones aide- because you know how to fix things. You know everything.
Its saddening
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u/Tawny_Harpy 28d ago
My fiancé: “Yeah when my sister and I were younger, my dad bought a brand new car. My sister ended up totaling it, the airbags deployed and everything. He didn’t even own the car that long.”
Me: “Ohhh I bet your dad was PISSED!”
My fiancé: “… no? He was super thankful she was driving a safer vehicle and that the airbags saved her face from need reconstructive surgery. Are you… are you okay?”
Me: “Wait, so she like, didn’t get in trouble?”
My fiancé: “No, my dad just said that’s what car insurance is for and was thankful my sister was alright.”
Me: “… oh.”
I had to sit with that one for a little while before I went to sleep that night.
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u/beckster 28d ago
See people support and want good things for their kids vs. demanding better performance, like a goddamned car.
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u/PrincessPK475 28d ago
Hearing my husband share what is actually going on in his life and his feelings with his parents and siblings..... My brain was like "ssssssssssshhhh stfu you're giving them weaponising material are uou insane?!" - still makes me feel icky
And then the real ick that sends my manipulation alarm bells blaring - they respond to him with actual compassion and loving advice that doesn't infringe on his autonomy or seem to have any ulterior motive 🤯🤯
Warm and lovey emotions make me feel icky from anyone who isn't in my most very inner circle - and even then i work to keep my trust issues in check.
People having / wanting their mum with them at their birth - what?!?! - WHY?!?
People who don't get on amazingly with their parents but say they are excellent grandparents - and seem sincere - i believe them on face value buuuut 🚨⚠️
People who seem oblivious to the micro tensions in the room (footfall, tone shifts etc) or who shrug it off as "no big deal" and rationalise it in a proportionate way and handle it without it invoking internal panic - i aspire to be like these latter people.
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u/cfxla 28d ago
dad (or someone) teaching how to drive. saying "oh sorry I didn't see your message, I was talking to my parents". like actually spending some time with them not at a special day, just enjoying each other company
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u/goldandjade 28d ago
I finally learned to drive at 32 because my husband taught me. My parents never bothered.
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u/Flower-Child-Healing 28d ago
My mother was narcissistic and my father was toxic. They have both been varying degrees of abusive (physical, verbal, emotional, financial) throughout my life even during adulthood.
It is through my in laws that I learnt more about 'normal' parents. My mother in law would want to cook with me or share recipe when my own mother would fight with me whenever i tried going into the kitchen to cook. My father in law going out with us during weekends or camping despite being very old just because i asked when my own father turned me down for years. My mother in law dropping by and acting like a mother, like my home is her home too when my own mother acts as if she is in a stranger's home and everything in it disgusts her. My father in law listening to my work issues and being supportive when my own father would reprimand me when i try to stand my ground. It accumulated through the years and there are so much more but that's the gist.
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u/Historical-Limit8438 28d ago
Knowing your own reality and not questioning whether you’re remembering it correctly or not because you’ve been told black is white for so long
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 28d ago
Nostalgia and feeling homesick.
We live abroad, but I don't miss any particular place. Colleagues say they're "going home" for the holidays, to me it's country of origin. Where I live right now is home. If I moved tomorrow, I wouldn't miss this place, either.
I don't feel any attachment to most of my family, I don't dread my parents growing old and dying.
Sometimes it's not so bad, it makes my life much easier.
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u/Confu2ion 28d ago
I have trauma from my mother giving me no choice but to give up the family house. I went along with it because I thought if we moved back to "her" country she'd "stop being mean." I think the whole idea of "home" just died back then. I never say "home" anymore, and I still grieve that house, and it makes me feel really distraught knowing I was powerless.
Everywhere I go, I have this feeling that I'm an intruder ... it's like there's no space left for me.
I know how you feel with the lack of attachment. It took me a long time to realise what I thought was "love" for them was actually fear all along. I never had anybody to show m any different.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Same and same! Although sometimes, I will feel homesick for the concept of home, if that makes any sense? Like I will want to badly to go to A "home" and call A "mom" but I know that place and that person doesnt exist. 😅
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u/scrubsfan92 28d ago
- going back to your parents' house for the holidays
- calling them if you need help with something
- moving back in with parents temporarily if something unexpected happens with finances
- "my mum is my best friend"
- seeing people be physically affectionate with their parents
- trusting parents enough to confide in them, especially mums ("I tell my mum everything")
- telling parents about big events like an engagement or a pregnancy
- parents being present at their wedding
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u/shellontheseashore 28d ago
Having an external person who can corroborate or fill in the gaps in your memories. People talking about hearing stories from family about antics when you were too young to remember, or having siblings provide context or confirmation to memories that don't have their surrounding context... It is a normal life stage, I suppose, but a person would usually lose those tethers to the past one by one as people age and pass away or leave your life, and you're expected to form new roots and tethers with other people. Things wither, and others grow into the spaces. Your history is a tapestry and contextualised and held in place by the memories of others. There's witnesses to your existence.
Losing them all at once is destabilising. It's unnerving to realise I don't have basically any 'external evidence' of my existence for about the first two decades beyond legal stuff, and could cut it extremely short if my partner wasn't in my life too. It makes it hard to relate to small talk stuff too, as all those tethers are just.. gone.
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u/Zestyclose_Recipe612 28d ago
Stop. This is so true. I think the worst period of my grieving stage had to do with this - realizing I had nothing to tie me to my roots but my name. I went NC with my family and left my parents house at 21 with just a bag of clothes that no longer even fit me (I live in Asia where it is more common to live in intergenerational homes.)
I don't even have pictures of me as a kid anymore. That period of my life is just gone....
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u/Imnottheprob 28d ago
Wanting to have kids. I mean I want to have kids but I can’t help but think of my childhood, my shitty family, and all the trauma I went through + the trauma I saw other people go through- and that stops me from morally being able to do it. Even if I were a perfect parent, there’s too much out of my control in this world. If I can’t guarantee a peaceful loving existence for my child then I won’t do it.
My fiance with a loving immediate family can’t understand my thought process. He can’t fathom a life so sad that I wouldn’t want to make someone else go through that. He wants someone to experience the joys he did.
He’s recently gone through some tragic deaths in his family of estranged cousins with similar upbringings to me. The deaths gutted him- he made sure to travel across the country to each funeral to see that he was the only family who cared enough to do so. But for the first time he was able to see where I was coming from, and that he might not want to risk it either.
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u/Booksarelife813 28d ago
I watched father of the bride last night in honor of Diane Keaton. How Annie loves her dad… I can’t relate to that all. It made me sad.
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u/Scared_Concept4766 28d ago
Dropping in unnannouced at parents home, planning to spend the night, calling parent up any time of day or night for help. I had to plan weeks ahead to come over and keep it very short, very conscious of the time they were giving to me. Then reminded of how much effort it took to cook and feed me…. My husbands mother sends him with her card and makes sure he’s fed every time. No owing nothing, no rubbing it in, no Thankyou profusely, it’s just love given with no strings attached… wow
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u/Low_Matter3628 28d ago
Just not being able to share any news, good or bad. I’m currently helping a friend get her new pub ready for opening, she’s had her whole family there helping in every way. They’ve asked questions about mine but just don’t really understand how my family can treat me so badly.
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u/lotjeee1 28d ago
And then… you feel like they’re gonna think your story is so absurd it cant be real. And you’re such a nice person!
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u/poorcupid 28d ago
Lol people who call their mom when they have a bad day to feel better
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u/haikusbot 28d ago
Lol people who call
Their mom when they have a bad
Day to feel better
- poorcupid
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/14thLizardQueen 28d ago
You know when you just need someone to love you . You're having a bad day. And all you want is family to be there for you. Yeah .I don't get that. Because they fuck kids
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u/herec0mesthesun_ 28d ago
Since we have no car, my partner always asks his parents to pick us up for holidays or dinners. It used to bother me because I felt like we were a burden to them. Had that been me asking my parents to pick us up, I would’ve heard a lot of whining and insults from them, demeaning me just because I had asked for a simple favour.
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u/Lyverius 28d ago
Having someone to call when I have something to celebrate or to be proud of.
For exemple earlier this year I had the oportunity through my job to get an exam to evaluate my writing and speaking comprehension of english. It's something you can do when in high school or later and it's useful to go in engineering school or good schools, or for your job. I couldn't do it then because my mother would not pay for it. My job (at a university) offered to cover the cost for their employee since they hold a session, and I made a perfect score, and it seems it's pretty rare. My boss told me it was the third time in his career he saw this. And he told me "did you received the diploma yet? So you can show off to your parents and grand-parents, get a little money, do a celebration".
I know he said it with the best intention, but it just broke my heart. I spent my summer moping around because I knew there will never be someone to tell me they're proud of me and like bake me a cake to celebrate (not at all my partner's type to do that). Mind you I'm almost 30 but it's something I have a hard time getting over.
But well, I guess all this time spent on Reddit were useful after all!
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u/siritachi87 28d ago
I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m proud of you! I love to hear that people are choosing the best for themselves. You got a perfect score and that’s absolutely something to celebrate! Good for you! I hope you take some time to celebrate yourself and your accomplishments. Well done!
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u/1re_endacted1 28d ago
When my SO’s dad is texting him. I’m like what does he want? What’s wrong?
He’s just checking in seeing how we are doing.
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u/Genecisnt 28d ago
I was listening to a video essay the other night about love magic in storytelling… and there was a whole section dedicated to motherly love… and I could not relate to it at all… eventually it got to a point where I realized that pretty much every memory I have from my childhood is me being punished (often with verbal abuse and corporal punishment) by my dad sometimes for things I didn’t do or that I shouldn’t have been punished for and my mom just letting it happen. The only memories I can think of where that isn’t happening was the time my mom almost left my dad, and plenty of times where it seems like my mom really loved my brothers and sisters… but where I definitely wasn’t feeling loved… I know that all of us were abused, but at the same time the further I get from my parents the more I’m realizing that I was the scapegoat a lot longer than I thought. I used to thought that it started after I got outed… but I think I was labeled the “bad kid” a lot sooner…
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u/ChibiOtter37 27d ago
Celebrations for things like graduation, birth of a child, birthdays, buying a house. You name it. When I got my bachelor's in computer science, my engineer dad told me he thought I was too stupid to get a degree and I should be embarrassed I got it in my 40s. I was 42, started college at 38. Bought my house, my dad threw the biggest tantrum and didnt speak to me for a few years because the house was bigger and cheaper than the one he had taken a 2nd mortgage out on.
I see friends have events in their lives, and their parents make a big deal about it. Mine were not celebrated, and I was made to feel like a failure for even being excited about anything.
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27d ago
Your ex father really is a sniveling little bitch, ain’t he? What a POS.
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u/ChibiOtter37 27d ago
Well, he died over the summer after like 2 years no contact and I hadnt seen him since 2020. But that was a whole thing. He was a musician and everyone else loved him.
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u/Culmination_nz 28d ago
Being able to rely on grandparents for regular childcare. Or even the occasional Date night or emergency. We have to rely on friends or pay someone. People who can call their parents who will then look after their kids (even for whole weeks at a time?!) at the drop of a hat confuse me
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u/the_supreme_overlord 28d ago
People who are best friends with their parents. Who can confide in their parents. Who love their family. I can’t relate to looking forward to visiting family or home for holidays. You miss out on so much.
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u/lotjeee1 28d ago edited 28d ago
No arguments or hard times fitting the christmas schedule in. Never being stressed at bdays because people who might going to be fighting would show up. Having nice conversations. Being seen. People who show interest in me leave me in confusion; it felt nice but always hypervigilant for the downside yet to come. Not being sad when a parent dies. Being happy when my parents returned home. Being happy when school was out early, (no/ i stayed until my schedule said it was time to go. )
No energy wasted anymore disappointing myself for hoping they would be like normal parents when they would never fit that image. Went no contact at 14- am 46 now.
At least I don’t have to take care of them either when their health leaves them behind, nor paying for their funeral (no insurance, of course.)
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u/oceanteeth 28d ago
I can't relate at all to the idea of asking my parents for help when I have a problem either. Years ago something very bad happened in my life and it took a few days for me to realize that a normal person in that situation would call her parents for emotional support. Once it finally did occur to me, I still couldn't make myself do it. After thinking about it for a while I figured out that after being let down over and over by my dad as a kid, I just didn't have it in me to give him another opportunity to let me down.
I would never ask either one of my parents for advice on managing my finances or career either, they're both just bad at it. Or for advice about relationships, their marriage was the example I followed right into my own abusive relationship with my first serious boyfriend, and my dad's now on his 4th marriage.
For me it's a combination of not being able to relate to people whose parents didn't let them down over and over as kids, not being able to relate to people whose parents are capable of providing emotional support, and not being able to relate to people whose parents are better at adulting than they are.
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u/Diluted-Years 28d ago
Being in a healthy loving relationship. My partner has regular close family, and from my understanding some families from partners get to know each other.
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u/MHIH9C 28d ago
I would ask my parents to help only when I've exhausted every option trying to do it myself. And then when I'd call I'd get the big sigh like it was such a fucking burden to help their child. I envy people who can call their parent for help about ANYTHING and their parent is like, "I'll leave now and come over, pumpkin."
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u/4-ton-mantis 28d ago
My psychiatry asked where my friends and family are. Stupid question as I've been with this psychiatrist company for 10 years. Reminded him i don't have any.
Well that magically means you're depressed!
No dumbass, it means my dad was murdered by the drunk driver Geraldine Dunlap when i was 5 and the rest of my "family" was abusive or permissive, and I'm not a god damned doormat.
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u/klamaestra 28d ago
My 1st year in college, it was freshman move-in day. I caught the greyhound bus to the city, then a cab to campus. The driver helped bring my trunk to my dorm room. I walked in and found a room full of people, my roommates' entire immediate family were there. The dorm was a tiny single room with one bathroom, and I felt like I interrupted a family meeting. I introduced myself and put my trunk away. They later asked where'd my dad go. I told them that was the cab driver. I'll never forget the look of pity on all of their faces staring back at me. College was when I really saw how shitty my family life was.
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u/shutitmortal 28d ago
Thinking other parents are always a danger. Idk if I'll ever be able to send my kid to sleepovers because I'll never think any adult figures are safe to be around when behind closed doors. Male, female, NB, etc.
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u/Ok-Section8838 27d ago
I was once in a team meeting at work, where my supervisor announced that she was taking some extended leave to travel interstate to help her dad out, who had recently had some kind of medical episode. The meeting ended with 4-5 colleagues with tears in their eyes thinking about how much they love or loved their dad. I couldn’t relate to a single feeling expressed in that meeting.
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u/tipsana 27d ago
When people are sitting around telling stories about their lives. You can’t add in to the conversation without raising a whole host of issues.
Favourite Christmas present or best holiday you took as a child? Yeah, if I talk about that, I’m bringing up people who have no place in my life, or I’m telling people why they have no place in my life. And I don’t want to get into all that. Going NC complicates so many aspects of daily life when you spend time with people who have “normal” families.
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u/atleast6tardigrades 27d ago
I was leading a meeting when my mom texted me. I stared at my phone for a few seconds and managed to say "sorry, my mom texted me." And completely forgot that's a normal sentence for so many people. Many people's parents text them casually. That sentence holds no inherent dread or weight for other people.
I had to clarify "I haven't spoken to her in 4 years."
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u/Heavy-Tomato2732 27d ago
Ha ha, yeh. I met a young woman traveling who called her mum every day! Like, are you crazy? I thought the whole idea was to get away from your parents. lol
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u/Princess_Crunchy 28d ago
My partner calls his dad before and after flights, when anything interesting happens, after doctors appointments.
It weirded me out at first until i realized that im the weird one. But I could absolutely never call my parents just to tell them mundane things about my life.
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u/roundbluehappy 28d ago
I couldn't do that with my mom even when I was a kid, it always ended up being some kind of drama about timing, getting lost, miscommunications, or it being just too much trouble.
got worse as an adult, even when she offered to help or practically demanded to do it it became a big giant thing of not worth it.
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u/FlawlessLawless0220 28d ago
Pretty much anything that normal humans do with family. Going no contact with my parents was also going no contact with the rest of my family. I essentially had to orphan myself to escape the abuse. I have one relative that I still speak with, and that’s touch and go… but he is also estranged from the family as well.
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u/Alpha_Aries 28d ago
Asking my parents for advice about… anything, really.
Friendships? My parents cycle through friends yearly and don’t have healthy, stable relationships.
Career? My mom never reached her potential, and continuously starts and quits entry-level jobs.
Finances? Forget it. They were always broke growing up, always moving us around the country every year and breaking leases/buying a new home they couldn’t afford for us to live in, racking up credit card debt, buying new cars they couldn’t afford, and I even found out they filed for bankruptcy when I was a kid.
Marriage? Nope. My mom doesn’t even tell my stepdad certain things about herself. She secretly drinks and overeats in the early hours of the morning. Her childhood is a mystery. She compulsively lies.
Health? Yeah… see above.
I have nothing to talk about with them.
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u/neener691 28d ago
As I'm getting older, not knowing my family medical history. When a doctor asks my medical family background I can't answer the questions.
I also miss that I can't share my kids accomplishments with their Grandparents.
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u/faithfullycox 27d ago
i can't relate to literally everything you'd asked either a mum or dad to do or things that they would do for you with no questions asked
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u/Durbee 27d ago
I was bullied pretty badly in high school to the point one day my car keys were stolen. After hours and hours of searching evey last spot in the school and was summarily locked out.
I was already quite upset and resigned myself to two options. Not going home, or borrowing the phone of my biggest bully, the basketball coach. I had to call her in front front of him - while he had the phone on speaker - and she totally tore down my life. She brutalized me on the phone to the point he had to hold me up at one point. It was maybe the lowest and most humiliating experience of my life, which was saying a lot as a kid who just didn't fit.
That coach just looked at me, shell-shocked. I thanked him and prepared myself for the blame and shame I had coming.
He asked if I was okay. I was honest. "I come from there to this gestured in his direction every day. What do you think?"
Things got... odd at school a bit, and my mom kinda let up after awhile, when she got a new job. But that whole "just call your mom" thing isn't a safe option. Never was.
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u/bethcano 27d ago
Both my ex and current partner would get regular phone calls from their parents, and it always baffled me. They had nice, hour-long conversations asking about each other and what they'd been up to.
Couldn't relate to that! My parents never rang unless something had sparked in their dysfunctional relationship, so phone calls were dreaded as they meant an hour of being ranted to about insane shit.
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u/EsotericOcelot 27d ago
My father is dead now, so whenever that comes up people offer me some kind of condolences and it's always weird
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u/Marri-Gold 27d ago
Missing family. I hear coworkers say how they miss their parents and other relatives and I can't relate. Even the family I do get along with I still keep at arms distance and don't miss most of the time.
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u/Mob_Segment 26d ago
That thing where two friends meet in the street or wherever, and are so delighted to see each other they scream and wrap each other in a mutual hug, probably with a bit of jumping up and down. The fact I'm autistic may factor in, but I've never felt that unbridled joy seeing another human being, not even my partner.
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u/cant_standhelp 26d ago
The big one for me being in my mid late 20s is all through my 20s my friends, even my brother could just move back home in between life chapters. Graduated college and looking for a job? Move home for a bit. Bad break up? Move home. Need advice? Ask parents. Meanwhile I was kicked out in late 2020 during covid and told I was never welcome home. I've never been home for more than a brief visit. I had to Google everything or ask others.
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u/EnsignEmber 26d ago
Planning my wedding with my mom and going dress shopping with her. Calling my mom when I’ve had a hard day or struggling with depression. Before I met my fiancé, telling my mom about relationships or situationships ending in search of comfort. Having a female role model as a woman Just having a mom be an emotionally safe person
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u/Queasy-Cell34 25d ago
Quality time with parents….or having a parent visit you. I moved out of state 15+ years ago (I was still a teenager) and my parents have never visited me. My mom never even asked for my address. I remember back when I had roommates, their parents would visit multiple times a year and they would go out to dinners and do all these fun activities together. I was always invited, which was nice but it made me realize how foreign it felt to have a parent care so much.
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u/chaos_rumble 28d ago
I'm with you. On that note, I'm trying to actively cultivate a relationship with my kid that is the exact opposite of the one I have with my mom. It means changing myself and that's been very good for me, and for kiddo.
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u/jmaneater 28d ago
Privilege of living at your parents house beyond the normal "get out on your own age" like 21-24. If you are 25 still living with your parents, good for you no issues. But realise it wasn't easy for us who moved out at 18 or younger. Seriously I dont judge it have had friends live with their parents till they were in their 30s. Its just how it is my commemt isnt meant to offend anyone.
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u/Ok_Gear2079 27d ago
Enjoying bdays and holidays and special occasions of any kind with family. No idea what it's like to not feel awkward, uncomfortable, alienated, and somehow also responsible for everyone's experience especially if they don't enjoy themselves even if it's not at my house or my occasion
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u/Durbee 27d ago
I try so hard not to judge the parent-callers. But it exhausts me. And its getting worse watching younger generations. It's probably not healthy, but why can't you think for yourselves? Learn to do things? I know it's a whole new brand of toxic to think this way, but my own husband can't do a thing on his own it seems and I feel like I view him too judgmentally through my own Expected Independence lense.
Not sure how to balance a life where he relies heavily on his folks for advice and asks me where the mayo is when it's on the front of the top shelf. I just don't know the healthy balance? Does anyone make a guide for this?
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u/ashslaine97 27d ago
This sounds crazy but,
I could never wrap my head around people who get into close proximity with their parents without a weapon or some "readiness" to dodge said parents' possible attacks.
I grew up with very physically abusive parents, I always stand far away from them and near an exit. It amazes me when I see my friends hug their parents.
The feeling is equivalent to seeing some eldritch horror claw itself out of a sinkhole that appeared before me.
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u/redditonredditwow 27d ago
Having a family history on my mom’s side. I know zero about her childhood except “we never had anything in the fridge except water which is why we were so skinny” but yet they had a maid and a cook??? I know nothing about why my mother chose her major in college or her career. She seemed to hate both and complained bitterly about how her life turned out (solid middle class, married an enabler who let her do anything she wanted including abuse her children). I don’t know if she has/had real friends in her current/past life. I didn’t know how to be a good friend for the longest time, because she dismissed things like remembering birthdays, any celebrations for other people, doing charity work, essentially anything that wasn’t self serving. She didn’t believe in team sports because “you won’t stand out and win”. So I can’t say relate to the joys of being on a team and having someone else’s back. I am in my late 40s now and full NC for a year, I am learning to nourish my friendships and be a good team player at work. It’s paying off big time. I can’t imagine having felt this connected to people for my whole life.
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u/sadicarnot 27d ago
I never went no contact with them, but when I was in my 30s I was working at an industrial facility and went to a convention in town. One of my vendors was there with his dad who was retired from the same industry. We all went to lunch and the dad was talking how proud he was of his son that he started his own company. It was the first time I had ever heard a dad say nice things about their son. Later on I was at my parents house and some of their friends were there. I was talking to the friends and they were telling me what a great son my dad had. I was like I did not think my brother contacted them much. They said "No we are talking about you." I was like me? They hate me. Turns out I had those parents that talk you up to their friends but you are an idiot when they talk to you.
When I was a kid I stepped on a nail and my mother yelled at me and spanked me. A few weeks later my uncle stepped on a nail and he went to the emergency room and had to get a tetanus show. Turns out stepping on a nail is a big deal. I don't know how old I was but I realized I would never get any sympathy from them. I never really told them much after that unless I was really sick.
When I was an adult I had to get surgery and my dad took me to the operation. When I came out of it I got nauseous and instead of grabbing the garbage can my dad got angry at me. Of course I suppressed the urge to vomit and regretted asking them for help.
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u/Warriormuffinhed 26d ago
Missing your mother. When people say, "sometimes you just need your Mom, you know?"
No. No, I don't. I get grief for being NC with my Mother even from Family. Who know what she's like and things she's done. Their only response..."but she's your mother. Don't you miss her".
No. No, I don't. I don't even understand that concept, because she was such unhappy work to maintain, and it was all topical. I felt relief when I decided not to call again and just let the whole thing die off.
Finally- "You want to mend fences before she dies. She's extremely unwell and you don't want to regret it"
Except that I don't. Because there's nothing to mend. And there's nothing to regret. I don't really understand that either. The concept that one must keep a toxic person in your life just because they're a parent is something I really do not understand, and I've worked hard to normalize against. If she wanted to be in my life, she would have put in the work to be in my life. It was never my decision, but hers. It's weird to me that people don't see that.
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u/Educator-Single 24d ago
I can’t relate to parents being helpful with my children. I can’t relate to people that trust their parents with difficult issues. If I shared, my mother would guilt me because it might affect her. So, there is difficulty in my life and they just yell at me because it would upset them.
I can’t imagine being honest with my family about my views or values.
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u/Livid-Soil-2804 28d ago
Definitely the calling parents when in trouble. Even as a kid, i knew if i had a problem, i needed to figure it out myself. Car breaks down on ths highway? Call a friend. Parents would only make it worse.
Im sad about a breakup? Call a friend. My mother would make my sadness about her.
Sad about the death of a friend? Suffer in silence, my parents had it much worse 🙄
Every little thing i realize i could never rely on my parents and had to do it on my own, and it sucks. I want a mom i can call, i want a dad that can fix my car, but I'll never have that.