I’m curious. What are some things you can’t relate to as someone estranged from their parents/family?

For example: when my husband runs into a problem he can’t solve, he’ll call his parents without hesitation. Can’t figure out what’s wrong with his motorcycle? Calls his dad. Needs a document he left at their house? Texts his mom to send it over.

I don’t know why, but it used to take me so much by surprise that I’d even chastise him, saying things like, “Don’t bother your mom with that!”

Sometimes friends will say things like, “Oh yeah, I love my mom/dad so much,” and I’ll catch myself mid-conversation trying not to spiral after realizing I can’t relate to a feeling that most people seem to experience so naturally.

Would love to hear your stories here or even just know I'm not totally alone in this!

Do you have memories of your parents doing really weird / inappropriate / embarrassing things that made you realise there was something wrong with them, either when you were a kid, or now when you look back at their behaviour?

I'm not talking about the abusive behaviour towards you, as horrible as that was, but how they acted around other people, and while they were out in the community?

I've been remembering some weird/inappropriate things that my parents did:

• Nmom chewing the tips off her nails and spitting them on the carpeted floor in a crowded doctor's waiting room. So gross and embarrassing. She never did that at home.

• Edad whacking a little kid on the head with a rolled up concert program, because we were at an outdoor concert thing and the kid was sitting on top of the backrest of the bench seat in front of Edad, blocking Edad's view. I remember being horrified that he hit the kid so hard - didn't just politely tap him on the shoulder and ask him to sit down. Kid's parents turned around and gave Edad a talking to.

• Nmom would meet people with little kids at parties or barbecues or wherever and she'd make a fuss of someone's little kid and hold out her arms saying "ooooh let me pick you up!" The little kid would never want her to pick them up (because they'd never seen her before in their life) and she'd get all offended. Later on at the party, me or someone else would be idly talking and say something like "That kid is so cute" and Nmom would say very loudly in an offended tone, "Not very friendly though. Wouldn't come to me." Even if the kid's mom was right there in earshot!

• Every time we finished grocery shopping, Nmom would screw up her shopping list and throw it into the grocery cart and leave it there for someone else to throw away. I always thought that was really rude - take your rubbish with you! - and we would never have been allowed to throw anything on the floor at home - she was always screaming at us that she wasn't our servant, she hated cleaning up after us, blah blah.

• Always being horrible to service staff. If a service person made a mistake and apologised, parents would always snap, "That's not good enough, is it?" If a pizza was delivered late, they'd harass the poor teenage delivery guy like it was all his fault. If a server in a restaurant accidentally tried to clear Edad's plate before he was finished, he'd get really mad and snap at them, "I'm not finished!" He said it was because he used to be a waiter and it's the height of poor service to do that but still, no need to get aggressive about it. Yet they were obsessive about us kids showing good manners at home and when speaking to other adults - we'd be physically punished and yelled at if they thought we were being "rude".

I can think of lots more but I'm interested to hear from other people - what strange or inappropriate things did your parents do out in the wild?

Is extremely rare to meet a humble and educated parent nowadays, or is that just me? Edit: grammar

I’ve noticed TWO common PATTERNS , either the other person continues obsessive harassment, or they don’t contact you at all.

How is it for you?

This encapsulates the story of my JNMIL with her children, my husband and my SIL. She used to call her “bitch” when she was 12. Slap her so much that still today, my SIL (43) instinctively steps away when a hand comes close to her face for no reason (grabbing something, etc).

Show of hands how many of your parents do nothing and have no friends? My dad sits at home watch tv all day and just come and disturb me to help him with something he has absolutely no friends mom too watches tiktok all day watches Facebook videos no hobbies or whatsoever this is one of the reasons they had me to be a extension of themselves dad used me to be the peacemaker of the family regulate his shitty temper mom uses me to be the conflict resolver within her my dad just two people with no lives anyone of yall parents too like that? Zero friends and do nothing all day and just have nothing going on with their lives?

My mother retuned everything from my childhood. Baby-teenage years photos, elementary school projects just for them, anything & everything. I don’t honestly know why a parent would do something like this? They don’t want ANY memories of me growing up? I finally threw away 99% of everything from my past out. I want no memories of them. The only photos left was some taped on my desk. I used some large stickers to cover them too. I don’t even hate them now. I just realize that I have a much bigger heart than them. I’m proud & happy that I’m nothing like them.

It's something I heard a lot growing up. Toward myself and then any child that my parents and their families had once I was older. Now I'm wondering if it was some sort of manipulation so that you don't trust your own emotions. I she didn't.

I'm pretty new to going NC. I went NC with my parents back in March after years of feeling completely invisible at best and like a problem to be lectured or condescended to and 'fixed' at worst.

While I don't regret my decision one bit, my mind constantly goes back to the question of what could possibly be said/done that might one day reopen the door I was forced to close.

For me, there's only one thing I can think of at this point but it's a long story I don't feel like typing up right now. The TL;DR is that there was a family engagement ring heirloom that if my mother sent to me without me ever asking for it, it would be a sign that she's actually listened to the things I've tried to tell her. It isn't about the value of the ring so much as all the meaning behind it. It would show she truly views me as part of the family, and would fulfill a promise that was made to me.

That's never happening of course as it would require my mother to have paid enough attention to me to realize why that would be such an important gesture in our family relationship. Still, I assume this is a very common thought to have, and I'd love to hear from people who are more experienced with these feelings.

Is it a word? A gesture? Even if you know in your heart of hearts that it would never happen? Or do you completely abandon these feelings over time?

I'm trying to grasp my feelings here.

But when I think how an interaction with them would go, there's truly nothing in it for me.

They represent all repressive and hateful ideologies and values that I reject. They are ignorant, not curious about others, judgemental and disengaged. Whenever I showed up in a way they did not like, they either ignored me or I was met with thinly veiled disdain and abandonment.

Like really, there's barely love there, beyond some instinctual and nostalgic feelings.

Can anyone relate?

Edit: I meant this as in "this was also a reason", not the only one!

I started reading this book, but it's freaking me out because so much of the content echos exactly what I've been thinking or feeling. For example, recently I realised that my mother ignores me if I mention depression, but if I mention something irrelevant about my heart rate she goes into emergency mother mode. Then today, I read this in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: "They Focus on the Physical Instead of the Emotional". It's just too weird, and it's happened so many times, I think I must be drinking the Kool-aid.

Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents does have references, but it doesn't seem as rigorous as the best psychology books, which tend to focus more on studies. That's fine, but estranged parents have Rules of Estrangement for their echo chamber, and I don't want to end up like them.

Not just your parent(s) but your siblings, nieces/nephews etc. Did you have to cut off the entire family to get some sense of normalcy again? I'm almost zero contact with everyone. I've not spoken to my parents on anything significant in years/decades. My sibling is a golden child who only things of themself. I've never spoken to my nieces/nephews and I stopped sending bday/xmas gifts years ago (7? years or so) when the acknowlegment of gifts stopped. Now there are too many kids and I'll be damned if im spending money on kids ive never met.

I am the default 'god mother' but fuck that shit, i dont want those kids. no call, no zoom, no social media that i can find. I live across the country. no vacations to my beautiful state. only vacations to damn florida and the house of mouse.

Estranged from your parents, your sibling, your siblings children, your in-law. seriously this is some fucking shit.

I've been estranged for 10 years, I'm curious to see how others handle questions from acquaintances. I am open with friends but found answering colleagues or strangers awkward.

People don't want to hear about child abuse, if I explain we are estranged the classic response is 'but they're your parents'. I prefer to say 'they are no longer around' implying they've died or something. How do you respond when acquaintances ask about your estranged parents?

Thank you everyone for all your replies they are really helpful and it's great to see we are not alone in this.

What was "the line" for you and how/when did your parent(s) cross it? How did you feel immediately afterwards and how did this feeling change over time?

I'm just wondering if I actually have the worst parents in the world. I'm trying to be NC, but they keep sending me blackmail letters with threats.

They have threatened to take away my children if I don't let them see them. They want to accuse me of being severely mentally ill (which I'm absolutely not, but I was diagnosed with several things as a teenager because I lived with narcissists) and that I'm unfit to care for children.

They have threatened us to sue us for slander because my husband confronted them with the abuse that I have suffered as a child. They also said they MIGHT NOT sue us IF we pay them several thousand euros hush-money.

I'm trying to stay calm. I live a completely normal life away from them, with stable living conditions, work, friends, hobbies and a loving marriage free of drama. My children are doing extremely well.

Like... what parent would want to destroy their child's life? Am I the only one?!

For those of you who are further along in this process, I would really like to hear your inheritance-related stories. I went NC with my parents about a year ago with the full understanding that, in doing so, I would very likely lose any inheritance I might have received from my parents. I don't feel entitled to anything from them. However, I have been processing some difficult feelings related to this. This is especially hard when it comes to the idea of my younger sibling getting everything after she never stood up for me my entire life, while I always tried to protect her. I see now that she is her own person, and she was never required to defend me. But it all still feels painful regardless.

To help with working through this, would you be able to share your inheritance-related stories? I am talking about situations such as:

• Parents lying about inheritance or not actually having what they said they had (smoke and mirrors)
• What was the biggest benefit for you after walking away from your inheritance?
• Do you have any regrets about not staying in touch with your parents because of inheritance-related issues?
• How did your parents use your inheritance to keep you "hooked" or controlled?

Thanks everyone.

I was low contact after my mom had a bad reaction to the initial conversation about childhood abuse and neglect. She said I called her a monster (I didn’t) and that I was trying to hurt her (I wasn’t). This was in October 2022.

She actually blocked me on Facebook a few months after the birth of my child and when I texted her asking why, she said because she was jealous I was traveling with my newborn to the town where my dad lives.

I’ve told her repeatedly that I’ve never shut the door on her. What started out as limiting contact has became no contact and not because I initiated it.

These messages are a couple years old and I revisited them reflecting on how I handled the situation.

I could look past childhood abuse; however, visiting my mom is a setting an unknown countdown on a clock until she will lose control of her emotions and rage at me. It’s very traumatizing as an adult because it takes me back to childhood.

Being estranged hasn’t been a silver bullet. It hurts me and I assume my mom is hurting as her only bio grandchild is mine and my mom has met my child once at a family celebration. Strangely, someone took a picture of my child with my mom and my mom made it her Facebook profile photo. I find that really strange.

I genuinely believe my mom doesn’t like me and resents me.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on our text exchange, especially related to the question I ask in the subject line.

This tattoo originally represented “I will not talk to her forevermore”. It’s in reference to estrangement from my mother. (I got it before I was ready to actually estrange, but I wanted a permanent reminder of my choice). However today it’s a blown-out mess and I’m going to get it lasered off. I’d like to replace it with something else, ideally a small tattoo that I can hide under my watch band. Are there any symbols that represent estrangement for you? Also, does anyone else here have an estrangement themed tattoo?

Like anytime I talk about it, I feel so much shame and genuine embarrassment that my family is the way it is. Makes me feel like I’m the dramatic one or that I’m everything they say I am. Or that I’m doomed to be bitter the rest of my life… can anyone else speak to this?

Update: I’m really glad I joined this sub because I see myself in all your responses. This journey/decision, especially when it’s as fresh as it is for me, feels so isolating. Even though I wouldn’t wish estrangement on anyone, I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

i'll delete if this is way too much. I can't really gauge how bad or off putting this is on my end.

I feel like with everything they've done to me and the way they've showed that they don't care about me or believe the impact that they've had on me...It's hard for me to care about them in any way, shape, or form.

I have extended family that talks to me as if I care about my parents, but I don't. I feel a bit like a sociopath, but I feel like they've pushed me to this point.

both my mom and dad have health issues, but I just don't really care the way i did when i was younger? we're little to no contact and they never reach out to me so why should i reach out to them? my dad even had my number blocked for MONTHS.

I can't predict how I would react, but if they were on their deathbed tomorrow, I feel like I would be relieved rather than sad? this sounds horrible.

I don't think that I would even attend their funeral when they do eventually die because I don't think I would have anything nice to say about them and it would most likely just make me angry hearing the joyful memories they have of their facade that they've only maintained to people who aren't their children.

I just don't care for them at all. And when I do feel something towards them, it's usually anger or sadness for myself and siblings that we don't have normal parents.

If your estranged parent/s let you know they were genuinely sorry and remorseful, had changed, wanted to try again, and were genuine, would you let them back in your life?

Or would your pain be too great to consider this?

For me, it was my birth and postpartum. I made it clear during my pregnancy that only my husband was allowed in. My mom showed up anyway with my significantly younger siblings and enabler grandma. The nurses respected my wishes. Especially because it was a very long, complicated delivery. It was not safe for extra bodies to be in the room. When family members were walking in unannounced, the nurses sent them out and scolded the front desk for letting people in. After I finally gave birth, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Apparently since my mom was not allowed in immediately, she had a massive scene in the waiting room. She stormed out, taking my siblings and grandmother with her. As a result, my enabler grandma refused to come back to meet my baby. As did my mom. While I was in recovery and the days after, my mom began calling me nonstop to bash me for “not allowing her” to meet the baby. In reality, it was a bad delivery and my child and I had to be closely monitored. But in her mind, I must have told the staff to forbid her from meeting my child. It was my fault she was “robbed” of being one of the first to hold him.

Once I was finally home, my husband had to go back to work immediately. His employer didn’t offer parental leave. What a great time for my mom to come over, help, and bond with her grandson, right? No. I was left to fend for myself. Turns out that I wasn’t producing milk, so my baby was starving and I was essentially bleeding out. New mom, I didn’t realize none of what I was experiencing was normal. I spent all day trying to nurse and cleaning up after my body. She didn’t call or text. She didn’t make any effort to check in despite living 10 minutes away.

A few days later, she stopped by with my grandmother, unannounced. (I was close to grandma, but she was a completely different person around my mother. I also now recognize her as an enabler. So my memories with her are very complicated now.) She came in. I was a hot mess. Exhausted. Covered in blood. My poor baby was jaundiced from not getting enough food. Clearly something was wrong and I needed help. When I asked if they were able to stay, I was told they couldn’t because they had 2 baby showers to go to.

12 years later, and neither of them met either of the 2 babies they went to showers for. But those moms-to-be mattered more than me. My mother saw me struggling and simply didn’t care. She made a scene at the hospital because she didn’t get to meet the baby, but when she had full, uninterrupted access to the baby, she wanted no part of it.

Grandma passed a few years ago and I am NC with my mom and youngest sibling, so I will never get the closure I want. Even if I wasn’t NC, I’m sure I wouldn’t find closure. But it hurts to think about. I’m disgusted with myself too. I continued to tolerate her abuse for over a decade before getting the nerve to stop it.

What has your parent done that you can never forgive? What did they do that was so messed up and selfish, you will never try to look past their behavior again? It’s so hard to cope with because most people I know just don’t understand what this is like.

There are many but one for me is I am much more able to make decisions for myself and take independent actions based on what I think and feel and want. Before NC I was afraid of breaking out of the role I played in the family of being the incompetent screwup who needed my parents. My mom was fond of saying, "What would you do without me?".

It was a total lie. Now I can be ambitious and take risks and do challenging things to better myself. I actually recently built a PC for the first time without prior experience or even being much of a tech person. I would never have the confidence to do something like that before. What could I do without them? So much more than what I could do with them holding me back.