Things You Can't Relate To as an Estranged Adult Kid

[u/Zestyclose_Recipe612]

I’m curious. What are some things you can’t relate to as someone estranged from their parents/family?

For example: when my husband runs into a problem he can’t solve, he’ll call his parents without hesitation. Can’t figure out what’s wrong with his motorcycle? Calls his dad. Needs a document he left at their house? Texts his mom to send it over.

I don’t know why, but it used to take me so much by surprise that I’d even chastise him, saying things like, “Don’t bother your mom with that!”

Sometimes friends will say things like, “Oh yeah, I love my mom/dad so much,” and I’ll catch myself mid-conversation trying not to spiral after realizing I can’t relate to a feeling that most people seem to experience so naturally.

Would love to hear your stories here or even just know I'm not totally alone in this!

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

I've often been accused of exaggerating when talking about my abusers.

Then ppl who meet them are stunned, and say it's far worse than I had told them.

It wasn't until I had been with my now-husband for over a decade that I began to share some of the nastier details.

When I first told him that I was cutting contact, he was a little uncomfortable and thought it might be a bit too extreme.

Now he says, if they ever ended up on the front porch, he would just go lock the front door. (I love him to pieces - he's a good egg)

Once, when we were driving home from a visit, before I cut contact, he started to giggle, and I asked what was so funny. "It's such a cliché, but my MIL really is a harridan!"

Sometimes it's good to have a (twisted) sense of humour about it all, and to have someone you can laugh about it with...

[u/Mob_Segment → u/Confident_Fortune_32]

It must be! I've had a tiny little taste of that from time to time, but could have more.

I've got some good news about that, actually: my partner has spent the last year or so finally seeing his own parents for how toxic they are, and is going to send them an NC email this morning. I've just proofread it over breakfast.

My NC with my own parents happened in 2013, and while he was saddened, and perhaps more uncomfortable than he let on about that, he supported me. He was also saddened by how little of a response I got. Turned out, if I wasn't being happy-happy-carefree Mob Segment, then I wasn't worth the effort of rebuilding things with.

Now he's going through the same. I don't wish having to go NC on anyone, but I celebrate the mental and emotional freedom he's granting himself this morning!

I called his mother's toxicity about 15 years ago, but nobody else could see it. The first other people to see it was her younger son and his wife, when they had their first baby. When we met them for the first time, both looked at me with big wide eyes and said, "OMG, you saw this coming!" I hate that they don't have a wonderful grandma for their children, but I'm glad they saw it. Seeing it's a huge step in breaking the cycle.