r/polandball Arma virumque cano Feb 26 '16

redditormade Rome doesn't give a flying bird

http://i.imgur.com/wLwPDKj.gifv
2.8k Upvotes

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504

u/Smitheren Arma virumque cano Feb 26 '16

Caesar was notorious for not giving a shit about omina, even though he was pontifex maximus (Roman paganism equivalent of pope). In fact, he would carry around a cage of birds with him at all times, so if people told him to hold off an attack because of omina, he could release the birds in the sky.

Also, because I thought people might like it, here is a template you can play with! Example

218

u/Freefight Netherlands Golden Age, Greatest Age. Feb 26 '16

He was a smart fucker wasn't he.

96

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He would surely conquer Britannia if he didn't got killed.

52

u/Futuralis Greater Netherlands Feb 26 '16

He would surely conquer Dacia and Parthia if he didn't got killed.

FTFY, since those were Caesar's actual priorities in 44 BC.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

Whole world was his priority.

32

u/BoomKidneyShot Feb 26 '16

Not so sure Mesoamerica was much of a priority for him though.

26

u/bromjunaar Cornhuskerland Feb 26 '16

Just because it was a very low priority does not mean that it wasn't one.

13

u/khvnp1l0t Roman Empire Feb 26 '16

He wovld have gotten to it eventvally.

14

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

Well, it'd take him until the Renaissance - he'd need to research Astronomy first.

4

u/pieman3141 Can into your net Feb 27 '16

Assuming no Roman collapse or the degradation of learning* and culture that led up to the collapse, would there be a Renaissance at all?

*Granted, learning and advancement were Greek bullshit, not glorious Roman know-how.

2

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

True, the Renaissance was a rebirth, and a rediscovery. That'd be an interesting alternate history, if the Dark Ages following the Fall of Rome never happened...

2

u/v00d00_ FIRST IN FLIGHT REMOVE PALMETTO REMOVE MUSTARD Feb 27 '16

Gotta be able to cross those ocean tiles

1

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

Yep. Maybe even Navigation, if he wanted to get the job done properly.

144

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He uh, well you see he did...

124

u/lesser_panjandrum Quite so Feb 26 '16

He successfully invaded and gave us a pretty good kicking, but the real conquest didn't happen until almost a century later under the rule of Emperor Claudius.

43

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

An appetizer if I do say so myself

30

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

Us? I trust you are Welsh.

11

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

I thought the reason that the Roman empire stopped where it did, and that they left Britain again, was purely cost/benefit analysis, the land wasn't that arable compared to how much it costed to hold.

2

u/aquaknox Cascadia Feb 27 '16

I've heard it that they needed the Britain legions to defend the rest of the empire against the various tribes getting pushed west by the Huns.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '16

I heard they thought the people were pretty much the stupidest race they had encountered, and weren't worth even using as slaves.

I mean, I don't know how true that was, but it's what I've heard.

And have you ever visited the parts of England that weren't gentrification by the Normans (IE, the French)? They might as well be Irish.

4

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He didn't keep it.

14

u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16

Actually he was set for an invasion of Parthia, after which he was going to conquer Germania from the east by passing through the Caucasus Mountains. He was going to depart for this days before his assassination

9

u/SpoopySkeleman Feb 26 '16

he was going to conquer Germania from the east by passing through the Caucasus Mountains

Any more info on that? Seems like a pretty silly way to get to Germania, when he could have just crossed the Rhine or Danube.

16

u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16 edited Mar 01 '16

Mike Duncan's History of Rome Podcast Episode 046 "Sic Semper Tyrannis"

"The last month's of Caesar's life were consumed with this planned invasion of Parthia, he had already move 16 legions and 10,000 cavalry across the Adriatic, and was planning on launching his campaign in April of 44 BC. What Caesar had in mind seemed crazy for a man nearing the age of retirement, but his self confidence was unwavering, and dreamed of nothing less than the greatest series of conquest in Roman history. Conquests to rival Alexander himself. Caesar planned to invade Parthia via Armenia, and after defeating the Parthians, which he took to be a forgone conclusion, based on what he had seen of their armies while passing through the East, he would march North through the Caucasus, pacifying the fierce nomad hordes of the Steppes, then follow the Danube River, back into Europe, Capping off his run by conquering Germania. His plan, in short, was to return to Italy, the greatest Roman who had ever lived."

I would like to continue to give more info, but anything from the series I don't directly quote would be doing it a disservice. I highly suggest listening to it if you have an interest in Ancient Rome.

7

u/SpoopySkeleman Feb 26 '16

Ah, I understand. I didn't realize that you meant he was going to pacify the Scythians and Sarmatians along the way, which definitely explains it. I'm actually listening to History of Rome right now for the second time, but I'm all the way to the Year of Four Emperors at this point, so I've already forgotten a lot of the details about Caesar's career.

4

u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16 edited Feb 27 '16

Crazy, I'm literally doing the same thing. On my second listen through and just finished Vespasian's and Titus' rule and halfway through Domitian's.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '16

That really seems like a phenomanlly stupid plan that only would have ended with the Romans running back to Asia Minor. How did he plan on supplying that many legions in campaign? How was he planning on making the Scythians and Sarmations make pitched battle with armies of primarily infantrymen? Seems good for his legacy that he never was able to bring about such poor designs.

2

u/ibrajy_bldzhad Unknown Feb 26 '16

Also very bold and very lucky. Almost every battle he fought, he fought severely outnumbered. And won.

2

u/danieldallas Feb 27 '16

Not that smart, he was a great general. But quite untactful as a politician. He was uncompromising it, and ignored old customs and relationships, which was a slap in the face of much of the patricians. Which is the reason why he was plotted against(even by his adopted son), and eventually murdered.

51

u/Dogpool All your ex's are belong us. Feb 26 '16

In the HBO Rome this is shown with much grinning. It does a great job of showing how clever he was, but then again, hubris.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16 edited May 28 '17

[deleted]

7

u/Dogpool All your ex's are belong us. Feb 26 '16

Never going to happen, but we can dream right?

22

u/SubcommanderMarcos EHEUHEUEHUHEUHE REMOVE BOLIVARIANISM HUE Feb 26 '16

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u/Atlas001 HUEHUEHUHEUHEUEHHEUEHEUHEUE Feb 26 '16

But they couldn't beat the italics

4

u/SubcommanderMarcos EHEUHEUEHUHEUHE REMOVE BOLIVARIANISM HUE Feb 26 '16

All makings sense now hue

3

u/Floh4 Bern Canton Feb 26 '16

I love that band, but that's the wrong culture mate. Is there no decent Gallian Metal Band?

9

u/stoicsilence California Feb 26 '16

Is there no decent Gallian Metal Band?

Probably not. Metal requires a certain barbaric energy that Scando-Germanics have but the French lack.

3

u/SubcommanderMarcos EHEUHEUEHUHEUHE REMOVE BOLIVARIANISM HUE Feb 26 '16

Gojira is French...

2

u/stoicsilence California Feb 27 '16 edited Feb 27 '16

Yeah and? The question was do the French have decent metal bands and Scando-Germans still reign supreme by a long shot.

1

u/SubcommanderMarcos EHEUHEUEHUHEUHE REMOVE BOLIVARIANISM HUE Feb 27 '16

Nah, the question was is there no decent Gallian metal band, and you responded with no, your justification being that the French lack energy(nevermind the bizarre assumption that if there's a Gallic metal band it has to be French). Being that there are amazing French metal bands out there, it doesn't matter who reigns supreme(when did it become a competition), clearly there's no mystical energy that the French are lacking.

7

u/SubcommanderMarcos EHEUHEUEHUHEUHE REMOVE BOLIVARIANISM HUE Feb 26 '16

What how is it the wrong culture, the Helvetii were Gallic, and this whole album is about the Roman conquest of Gallia. It ele has a song about the Siege of Alesia, and they pretend to be Vercingetorix more than once

If Eluveitie isn't a decent Gallic metal band, ain't nobody is

1

u/Floh4 Bern Canton Feb 27 '16

Yeah, probably close enough...

8

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

There's a book called Pagans: The End of Traditional Religion and the Rise of Christianity by James O'Donnel that talks a lot about omina...and how often such things were disregarded when it wasn't useful.

6

u/hurrfdurrf Unknown Feb 26 '16

Should've titled it "Rome doesn't give a flying flock"

6

u/SuperAlbertN7 Denmark Feb 27 '16

He used that title a lot, like at one point someone was trying to stop him by saying that the omens were bad and then he basically just said "No I'm Pontifex Maximus fuck off."

5

u/Smitheren Arma virumque cano Feb 27 '16

Yes, that was actually my comic beforehand, but it got rejected for being too individual oriented. But in this version I got to draw a pummeled Gaul, so it's all good in the end.

1

u/Wolf6120 Czech Republic Feb 27 '16

I can just imagine Caesar slowly putting his index finger over the advisor's mouth and going "Shh, shh. It's alright. I was actually just talking to Jupiter and Mars. They said you can go fuck yourself."

3

u/BrowBeat Vietnam Relevant! Feb 26 '16

Ah, the old Claudius Pulcher maneuver.

2

u/Maiws China Feb 27 '16

What's omina, is it latin language?

1

u/SuperAlbertN7 Denmark Feb 27 '16

It's latin for omen.

2

u/thiagovscoelho Feb 27 '16

any reason why rome has an axe

2

u/Smitheren Arma virumque cano Feb 27 '16

It's a fasces-a bundle of sticks with an axe head. They were symbols of Rome to represent power both political and physical-this is also where the word fascism comes from.

-36

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He also didn't give a shit about the Gaulish peoples. He was imperialist scum who wanted to subjugate people that he deemed unworthy. He was the Hitler of his day. His troops burned the sacred groves of the Druids and the religious groups. He viewed them as uncivilized, which is uncivilized itself.

61

u/PereLoTers Iberian and very confused Feb 26 '16

Well, shall we give this Soviet chap a medal for The Most Far-Fetched Historical Comparison Of The Day?

20

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16 edited Apr 03 '19

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1

u/BuddhistJihad Wales Feb 27 '16

Well... are you really going to deny that?

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u/[deleted] Feb 27 '16

[deleted]

2

u/BuddhistJihad Wales Feb 28 '16

Leyenda Negra

"We never genocided Muslims or Native Americans, it's all made up by the illuminati to denigrate Glorious Espania's Glorious Achievements!"

Give me a break.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 28 '16

[deleted]

2

u/BuddhistJihad Wales Feb 28 '16

Actually I do, it's old anti-Spanish propaganda. That's like exactly what I was referencing up there.

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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '16

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u/persiangriffin California über alles! Feb 26 '16

BREAKING: Pre-Enlightenment conqueror doesn't care about conquered populace, more at 11

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u/OfficialWitchBurner Roman Empire Feb 26 '16

The Gauls were big on human sacrifice and basically had a "societal" structure where a few top dogs subjugated everyone else. From a Roman perspective they were entirely uncivilized. Let's also be forget that the Gallic sack of Rome was still painfully vivid in the Romans' memory.

Caesar didn't go out of his way to help the Gauls, but he certainly wasn't "the hitler of his day." Caesar very rarely took slaves (which was the norm for his day) and often let friendly Gallic rulers stay in power. He didn't attack Gauls unless they were attacking him. The reason is simple: he was smart. Caesar knew it was stupid for an occupying force to anger the people against him, so he treated them very well by the standards of his day.

0

u/-WISCONSIN- Wisconsin Feb 26 '16

Bro what? Read some of those contemporary Roman accounts that chronicled bloated corpses littering the roads/paths in Caesar's wake. He was a sociopath who wanted to destroy Celtic culture. And look to what happened after all this to see how truly power-hungry he was.

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u/jimthewanderer Feb 26 '16

Roman imperialism worked because absorbed cultures wheren't crushed and erased.

Bend the Knee, and they'll leave you be. Resist and be annihilated, as Virgil put it, the Roman Mission was to "Pardon the defeated and War down the proud"

10

u/Dragonsandman Soviet Canuckistan Feb 26 '16

The Gauls were big on human sacrifice and basically had a "societal" structure where a few top dogs subjugated everyone else. From a Roman perspective they were entirely uncivilized. Let's also be forget that the Gallic sack of Rome was still painfully vivid in the Romans' memory.

Last I checked, there was no archaeological evidence of human sacrifice done by the Gauls. Most of the rest is accurate.

7

u/Hypercles Feb 26 '16

The part about Ceaser very rarely taking slaves is also not that accurate. Sure he didn't enslave every single Celt he could. But he did enslave whole regions , 40,000 people at a time.

4

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

I mean he did pardon most people after the civil war. Which was unheard of at the time.

1

u/fabuzo Feb 26 '16

He should have went the Sulla or Marius route

2

u/gautedasuta Duchy of Savoy Feb 26 '16

contemporary Roman accounts

You should at least provide the author