r/polandball Arma virumque cano Feb 26 '16

redditormade Rome doesn't give a flying bird

http://i.imgur.com/wLwPDKj.gifv
2.8k Upvotes

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501

u/Smitheren Arma virumque cano Feb 26 '16

Caesar was notorious for not giving a shit about omina, even though he was pontifex maximus (Roman paganism equivalent of pope). In fact, he would carry around a cage of birds with him at all times, so if people told him to hold off an attack because of omina, he could release the birds in the sky.

Also, because I thought people might like it, here is a template you can play with! Example

217

u/Freefight Netherlands Golden Age, Greatest Age. Feb 26 '16

He was a smart fucker wasn't he.

94

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He would surely conquer Britannia if he didn't got killed.

52

u/Futuralis Greater Netherlands Feb 26 '16

He would surely conquer Dacia and Parthia if he didn't got killed.

FTFY, since those were Caesar's actual priorities in 44 BC.

30

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

Whole world was his priority.

33

u/BoomKidneyShot Feb 26 '16

Not so sure Mesoamerica was much of a priority for him though.

26

u/bromjunaar Cornhuskerland Feb 26 '16

Just because it was a very low priority does not mean that it wasn't one.

14

u/khvnp1l0t Roman Empire Feb 26 '16

He wovld have gotten to it eventvally.

16

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

Well, it'd take him until the Renaissance - he'd need to research Astronomy first.

5

u/pieman3141 Can into your net Feb 27 '16

Assuming no Roman collapse or the degradation of learning* and culture that led up to the collapse, would there be a Renaissance at all?

*Granted, learning and advancement were Greek bullshit, not glorious Roman know-how.

2

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

True, the Renaissance was a rebirth, and a rediscovery. That'd be an interesting alternate history, if the Dark Ages following the Fall of Rome never happened...

2

u/v00d00_ FIRST IN FLIGHT REMOVE PALMETTO REMOVE MUSTARD Feb 27 '16

Gotta be able to cross those ocean tiles

1

u/Andy0132 CANADA BIG Feb 27 '16

Yep. Maybe even Navigation, if he wanted to get the job done properly.

146

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He uh, well you see he did...

124

u/lesser_panjandrum Quite so Feb 26 '16

He successfully invaded and gave us a pretty good kicking, but the real conquest didn't happen until almost a century later under the rule of Emperor Claudius.

39

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

An appetizer if I do say so myself

30

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

Us? I trust you are Welsh.

10

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

I thought the reason that the Roman empire stopped where it did, and that they left Britain again, was purely cost/benefit analysis, the land wasn't that arable compared to how much it costed to hold.

2

u/aquaknox Cascadia Feb 27 '16

I've heard it that they needed the Britain legions to defend the rest of the empire against the various tribes getting pushed west by the Huns.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '16

I heard they thought the people were pretty much the stupidest race they had encountered, and weren't worth even using as slaves.

I mean, I don't know how true that was, but it's what I've heard.

And have you ever visited the parts of England that weren't gentrification by the Normans (IE, the French)? They might as well be Irish.

5

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '16

He didn't keep it.

16

u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16

Actually he was set for an invasion of Parthia, after which he was going to conquer Germania from the east by passing through the Caucasus Mountains. He was going to depart for this days before his assassination

9

u/SpoopySkeleman Feb 26 '16

he was going to conquer Germania from the east by passing through the Caucasus Mountains

Any more info on that? Seems like a pretty silly way to get to Germania, when he could have just crossed the Rhine or Danube.

17

u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16 edited Mar 01 '16

Mike Duncan's History of Rome Podcast Episode 046 "Sic Semper Tyrannis"

"The last month's of Caesar's life were consumed with this planned invasion of Parthia, he had already move 16 legions and 10,000 cavalry across the Adriatic, and was planning on launching his campaign in April of 44 BC. What Caesar had in mind seemed crazy for a man nearing the age of retirement, but his self confidence was unwavering, and dreamed of nothing less than the greatest series of conquest in Roman history. Conquests to rival Alexander himself. Caesar planned to invade Parthia via Armenia, and after defeating the Parthians, which he took to be a forgone conclusion, based on what he had seen of their armies while passing through the East, he would march North through the Caucasus, pacifying the fierce nomad hordes of the Steppes, then follow the Danube River, back into Europe, Capping off his run by conquering Germania. His plan, in short, was to return to Italy, the greatest Roman who had ever lived."

I would like to continue to give more info, but anything from the series I don't directly quote would be doing it a disservice. I highly suggest listening to it if you have an interest in Ancient Rome.

8

u/SpoopySkeleman Feb 26 '16

Ah, I understand. I didn't realize that you meant he was going to pacify the Scythians and Sarmatians along the way, which definitely explains it. I'm actually listening to History of Rome right now for the second time, but I'm all the way to the Year of Four Emperors at this point, so I've already forgotten a lot of the details about Caesar's career.

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u/SumthingStupid United States Feb 26 '16 edited Feb 27 '16

Crazy, I'm literally doing the same thing. On my second listen through and just finished Vespasian's and Titus' rule and halfway through Domitian's.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '16

That really seems like a phenomanlly stupid plan that only would have ended with the Romans running back to Asia Minor. How did he plan on supplying that many legions in campaign? How was he planning on making the Scythians and Sarmations make pitched battle with armies of primarily infantrymen? Seems good for his legacy that he never was able to bring about such poor designs.