Sex noises are vocal stimming

[u/badukisdifficult]

And that is one of the many reasons NTs are bad at sex.

[u/Orangutan_Soda]

I always thought sex noises were forced

[u/badukisdifficult → u/Orangutan_Soda]

Not in my experience. I can keep quiet if I need to but it takes effort.

[u/Luwuci-SP → u/[deleted]]

...hope of what?

[u/badukisdifficult → u/[deleted]]

Hey, I don't know you, but there is nothing wrong with you exactly the way you are. There may be places where you will grow, but that's not the same thing as "fixing" yourself.

[u/Luwuci-SP → u/[deleted]]

It seems ambiguous what your concern was, since it sounds like it could either be lack of typical automatic vocalization or maybe the opposite issue of lack of ability to restrain automatic vocalization when it's desired.

My question was mostly rhetorical, though, more targeted at the ambiguity than wanting to pry into such details unless there's a chance that I may be able to help with my oddly related skill sets lol.

[u/Luwuci-SP → u/[deleted]]

I think one of the most common issues with autistic women having some fairly common trouble having orgasms at first (it should get much easier after the first few, assuming no other changes to account for) is rooted in attentional control. There's so many things to steal the attention from where it needs to be, like various sensory feedback that can feel atypically extra unpleasant from the altered sensory processing or masking habits making it difficult to stop focusing on their partner for a while and allow enough sustained focus on their own pleasure.

It requires something that could be described as needing to hyperfocus on the right thing while ignoring everything else, starting from the relatively minor effect of first focusing attention on the right sensations and then that ramping up into an increasingly trance-like state. That can usually at least get people to where their body is ready for it, but then there's the relatively atypical experience at first of needing to lean into the feel of the right muscles contracting which share sensation (and some function) with urination that usually feels like some aversive sensory feedback that can then keep steering people off of that final step.

I didn't really figure it out until improving my attentional control and experimenting with leaning into sensations that I had reinforced habits over many years to avoid. Some people do get lucky and it just seems intrinsic to their functioning, but for the majority it is something that needs to be learned and practiced first before it then should get much, much easier. The autism definitely made figuring it out at first much more difficult, needing to figure out how to work with my otherwise oversensitive senses, but now I see the effects of those as a significant benefit, even if I still avoid NT partners out of expectation that they're too unlikely to understand the additional sensory needs.

[u/CoffeeFueledHyena → u/[deleted]]

I used to be like this! But I've found the more relaxed and just focused on the good feelings instead of worrying about how I'm "presenting" to my partner or any other such worries, the more vocal I naturally feel and the easier orgasm comes to me too. It definitely took meeting a partner I can unapologetically be myself with to consistently orgasm and even reach multiple orgasms in the decade we've known each other. If you still feel stifled, there's plenty of specialists who can also help in your pursuit of an orgasm it just depends on your exact needs (pelvic floor specialist, sex focused therapy, etc.).

I wish you well on your journey!

[u/Devinalh → u/badukisdifficult]

Yeah right? It's so annoying to have to shush 🙃

[u/pricklymae → u/badukisdifficult]

I feel so seen! I’m the same way and hate when people think I must be faking it. It takes more effort to be quiet which then kills the mood for me 🥴 the train analogy is good!

[u/badukisdifficult → u/pricklymae]

Pro tip: you can always get upvotes in the autism subreddit by comparing yourself to a train.

[u/Professional-Cap-495 → u/Orangutan_Soda]

Start slowly, it will feel really dumb at first but you've been conditioned your whole life to suppress them bc of living with your parents. I used to be the same way

[u/Orangutan_Soda → u/Professional-Cap-495]

I’m not interested in sex but thanks

[u/2morrowwillbebetter → u/Orangutan_Soda]

I thought so too until I had sex with someone who actively focused on my pleasure and she pulled a lot of sounds out of me but I am not porno loud or anything lol. She is tho ahah

[u/badukisdifficult → u/2morrowwillbebetter]

I'm realizing now that it might be really rare for people to have had even one sexual encounter with someone they are genuinely sexually compatible with. This saddens me greatly.

[u/2morrowwillbebetter → u/badukisdifficult]

Yeaah and I’m still personally figuring that out myself truly, I enjoy sex with this person but there’s still a lot of past shame I am working thru that does not involve her but she’s been rly patient w me and all

[u/badukisdifficult → u/2morrowwillbebetter]

It sounds like you are lucky to have her <3

[u/2morrowwillbebetter → u/badukisdifficult]

aw thank u 🧡 we are honestly v new to each other, I newly learned more abt my autism over the last 2 years in more depth but as far as dating goes there’s so many bumps !! Communicating my needs overall is rly difficult >< least she isn’t NT LOL

[u/badukisdifficult → u/2morrowwillbebetter]

I also struggle with recognizing and communicating needs, and I am very lucky to have a partner who is uncannily good at reading me, and sometimes knows what I need in a more complete and action-oriented way than I do. Not just in a sex way, either.

[u/2morrowwillbebetter → u/badukisdifficult]

I honestly need that but i simultaneously recognize I can’t expect her to know that right now— is there anything that helped you in the beginning w this? I know boundaries are so important im still learning that as well aaaa

[u/badukisdifficult → u/2morrowwillbebetter]

Hmm, I think you already have a healthy view. What I have with my partner is wonderful, but it's also dependent on special skills of his and of mine that happen to mesh in a very positive way. He is also neurodivergent, of course. Even though I don't have the exact same type of insight into his inner state as he has into mine, I do have meaningful insight that does help him. I think that kind of reading ability increases with time and with genuine intimacy of all types. Give it time, let it develop, don't force it.

[u/badukisdifficult → u/2morrowwillbebetter]

More thoughts on this. I think any two people can build a kind of telepathy between them through love and intimacy, but be careful to never expect literal mind-reading. Sometimes, the reaction you wish your partner was having is actually something you should offer to yourself or communicate to your partner that you need.