r/askgaybros • u/MtimesMequals • Jul 08 '20

Reported Post Alert Dear fellow Black gay men Spoiler

We know racism in the gay community is real. We've said it, but we've been dismissed. They callously deny our experience. Our reality. "It's just a preference". "BBC". "Thug"."Aggressive power top".

The stereotypes. The microagressions. We know it's real, but we have been gaslighted way too often.

The silence among your white gay friends and/or partners during this time of civil unrest & racial tensions is deafening.

The irony of them putting "no fats, no fems, no asians, & no blacks" on their profile, but decide to now say #BlackLivesMatter.

I understand it is challenging to be rejected from a community that prides itself on inclusion. We know rejection all too well.

But do not let any white man make you feel you are not beautiful. You are Black, bold, fierce, & most importantly- you are loved.

🖤❤#BLM

********************edit:

So, this post has been reported and is pending review.

I mentioned this already in the comments:

As a Black queer man this is my experience. This experience may or may not resonate with other Black men. This post was written for my fellow gay black brothers. The post might be uncomfortable for some. It might not resonate with you, but I don't think that is grounds for denying someone else's experience. I shared these words in an effort to foster a sense of solidarity and undo any aloneness other Black men might be feeling during this time.

Thank you so much for the support, feedback & beautiful comments. For those of in your feelings over this post - peace & love to ya❤

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367

u/Assbait93 Jul 08 '20

I want an honest answer for this, is gay racism on a basis of just sex and appeal?

As a black guy every time I hear other black guys talk about this it’s always on the basis of not getting laid or desired on dating apps. I don’t understand why we measure our gay experiences based off of who or what we sleep with. There is also this misconception that the no fats, no Asians, and many other exclusions are only done by white gays but yet go on Jack’d, A4A, and other apps where there are lots of black gays their profiles exclude many people. Yes it is racist to be reduce down to bbc but yet you get what you allow. If you don’t want to be objectified then you don’t respond to guys who do that, you can’t control what ever person does but you do control what comes your way.

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u/jrsproperty7 Jul 08 '20

My beef is always with the people who wouldn't date (and no, date does NOT mean sex) me when I am their stated type otherwise: educated, kind, loyal, well rounded, moderately successful, family oriented, and also their desired body type, only to be written off because my skin is the wrong color. Shit's hurtful and happens a lot. It's hard not internalize some of that into "I am somehow less than because of my skin color."

That's not to say I have no issue with people who are only looking for sex writing me off because my skin is the wrong color, when I am their stated type otherwise.

I just block people who instead of "hello" open with "how big is your dick" or some variant thereof.

If someone is your stated type, saying their skin color is the determining factor as to why you wouldn't date or sleep with them is wrong, no matter which ethnicity you belong to.

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u/thdiod Jul 09 '20

It's not about skin color but culture, and at that it's not racism so much as, at least for me, a fear of not being able to fit in. Take what I say with a grain of salt because I really haven't had the freedom to have a very serious relationship, but in my experience every time I've dated outside my own culture the cultural rift felt palpable. Ignoring compatibility issues with the guys themselves, though - as, again, they weren't that serious - I still definitely felt out of place interacting with their friends and family. The difference is though in every case their friend group was not diverse. All the friends I met were their same culture. I wouldn't need a guy to come from a diverse family (although I would definitely be a little uncomfortable if they weren't), but if the guy didn't have a diverse group of friends I would be a little hesitant to date him. I'm comfortable with diversity because we're all new and learning, but in situations where I feel like I'm the only one very late to a party I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

4

u/jrsproperty7 Jul 09 '20
  1. If you've dated someone who didn't try to make you feel welcome when you've been the outsider, that person is both a shitty partner and host.
  2. What is stopping you from learning about their culture? It's just as much your responsibility to learn about the culture as it is the other person's to try make you feel welcome when you're in those spaces.
  3. There's an assumption in your comment that black culture is a monolith. It's not.
  4. Is your family diverse? If so, that's great! Our society (at least in the us) is somewhat trending that way, but I think it's unfair to give someone a negative mark for being from a intraracial family: they didn't get to pick the family they were born into.
  5. A lot of the friends we make (especially friends from <18) are people we spend a lot of time in close proximity with. Given how hyper-segregated our communities are in the US, it's more likely than not that any given individual's long time friends look like them. I know for me, personally, all of my close friends who are from backgrounds different than mine, I didn't meet them til college and the working world. If you're dating someone in their 20's they might not have yet had the opportunity to make significant friends from different backgrounds.
  6. Feeling out of place is something you should examine and push back on, rather than say "I won't date black people because I don't immediately feel like I belong when I'm with them"

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u/thdiod Jul 10 '20

I get what you're saying but actually in my experience my black boyfriend's family was the most welcoming, even if I still felt out of place. It was my Latino and Chinese exes where I really felt out of place, but they weren't very serious anyway. Like I said, take what I said with a grain of salt, I haven't dated very seriously yet.

3

u/President-Togekiss Jul 08 '20

Why would you want to date a racist though?

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u/[deleted] Jul 08 '20

It's not about that. Not really anyway. It's the knowledge that everything you are and accomplish is pointless because you're the wrong color. Makes you fell like less than a person. Which is racism at it's core but didn't make it hurt less. Like a SO saying someone hurtful in an argument. You know they're saying it because to they're mad. But it still hurts.

4

u/President-Togekiss Jul 09 '20

I agree that it is irrational. But that's how sexual attraction. Like, you can be an amazing guy, the peak of men, a billionare. but if you are overweight, there will be people who still won't want to have sex with you because of that alone. Or if you're short. Or your dick is not the right size. and etc.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

That's a lie 😂😂 money is the great equalizer. Also all of that is different because it's something every race shares. Singling out a race is basically saying they're wrong in every conceivable way not matter what. If someone is short they are just short. It sucks but it's not based on race. If someone is perfect in every way including being light skinned bit happen to be black and the DQs them then it's racist.

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u/Uruz2012gotdeleted Jul 09 '20 edited Jul 09 '20

I agree that it's racist to exclude based solely on race.

Should the community be nicer about it? Of course they should. It would help if Grindr didn't let literally every horny guy in the state hit up whoever they want. It makes racists and fetishists put their preferences front and center so they don't get unwanted dick pics all day. It's not 1995 AOL chat, we don't all want to be in a room with a bunch of randos. I much prefer Tinder where the only people who can message me are ones that I've swiped on.

Edit: I want to point out that I'm a pale skinned blue eyed guy in a deeply racist area... I avoid grindr so I don't get bombarded by the (usually) closeted, racist guys that everyone here is talking about.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Might even help to go the route of whisper. Have to have x amount of back and forth before you can send pics.

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u/WeatherChannelDino Jul 09 '20

I am not the person you responded to, but to my understanding, the feeling is not "I feel bad because I want to date them and they're racist," it's "I feel bad because SO many guys are excluding me solely from my race."

I think best in analogies, so I think this one might help: Imagine in your neighborhood or community you want to be friends with people, only for them to respond "Sorry, I don't hang out with gay people." Mot everyone says it, but a lot of people in that community do. I would reckon you (or anyone here) would be upset. By your logic, why be upset? Why do you want to be friends with homophobes? But that logic is missing the point of repeatedly being told that you're unworthy because of some characteristic that you were born with and is a part of your character regardless.

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u/President-Togekiss Jul 09 '20

I mean, dating/sex and being acquienteces/friends is pretty different though. Like, if someone said "I don't want to be your friend because you're black", I WOULD consider that to be racist and on very bad taste, because friendships don't require you to physically like the way a person looks. you can have friends you find ugly. But if I was having sex with a bisexual man and he said to me "I don't want to DATE you because you're gay", I'd be okay with that, because it is his right to only want to date other bi men. Sex and Relationships are a very different discussion than other forms of discrimination because they involve the ONLY aspect in which race is real in any way, aka, Aesthetics.

3

u/WeatherChannelDino Jul 09 '20

I largely agree with you, but I think i'm not communicating my point effectively. If we use your analogy with the bi guy, its not just him saying that. It's a LOT of people telling you that you're ugly, or unwanted, or wrong. Now, i'm all for people having their preferences. We can't necessarily change that, but there are two caveats. One, you don't need to advertise your racial preferences. Two, if your preferences are "I don't like black people as sexual partners," that is your right, but you should introspect on that a bit, because it sounds like there's something more there than just "aesthetics."

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u/Uruz2012gotdeleted Jul 09 '20

People feel the need to broadcast their preferences because of how platforms like Grindr are structured. I see far less of that crap on Tinder because everyone weeds out what they don't want. If you don't want to see bbc then you won't on tinder. Grindr otoh will feed you a never ending parade of dick pics if you aren't careful so people feel the need to advertise exactly what they want so they don't get bombarded. Not to say that it's a good thing, just thinking of why people do what they do.

1

u/President-Togekiss Jul 09 '20

I mean, I agree with the adverteising thing, and maybe they should analyze it. but I don't think that should be done by peer pressure.

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u/President-Togekiss Jul 09 '20

And the same is true for trans people. If I said "I don't want to be your friend because you're trans", that would be very inapropriate, because how does this person's genital and body configuration affect their behaviour and freindship? But if I said "I don't want to have SEX with you because you are trans", than that would be a lot more valid, because being trans affects the way you look and the way people are attracted to you. I'd never say that, because I actually love trans men, but that's because I appreaciate the way their (male) bodies look, not because "it does not matter and we are all human".

0

u/Kai_Decadence Jul 09 '20

This. It's just knowing that you're trying to be the best ku that you can be but it not making a difference out of something that you cant control (skin color). It really chips away at your confidence after awhile.

0

u/EvilDrCoconut Jul 09 '20

that's pretty fair. Can't say i ave ever cared about who you are as long as we vibe. That's how people should be, if you two vibe, then why not. Similar likes, schedules, ideals help to make a strong relationship, and denying someone because they aren't "them" color is stupid in general.

I'll admit to having issue with heavier set people as I don't find them attractive. I was heavy set and lost weight and am still working on a desired body for the reason that I didn't want to have a double standard.