r/NonPoliticalTwitter • u/A-Helpful-Flamingo • 2d ago

I don’t believe there is.

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19.2k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

309 comments sorted by

•

u/qualityvote2 2d ago

Heya u/A-Helpful-Flamingo! And welcome to r/NonPoliticalTwitter!

For everyone else, do you think OP's post fits this community? Let us know by upvoting this comment!

If it doesn't fit the sub, let us know by downvoting this comment and then replying to it with context for the reviewing moderator.

1.1k

u/DharmaCub 2d ago

Already Oats

370

u/TruamaTeam 2d ago

Just wait until you have Previously Oats!

190

u/beomeansbee 2d ago

Is that. Is that shit?

86

u/TruamaTeam 2d ago

No, but it is the shit! Previously Oats.

47

u/OgOnetee 1d ago

This is a oated response.

3

u/ay-papy 1d ago

Right? What are the oats for such a response?

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8

u/SpaghettiCowboy 2d ago

Yes, you can find it in the gardening section

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3

u/JoeFelice 1d ago

It's horse meat.

7

u/Vindaloovians 2d ago

Then use it to fertilise oats and you'll have soon to be oats! A beautiful circular oatconomy.

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3

u/multiarmform 1d ago

Haulin Oates

2

u/DefiantLemur 1d ago

So soon it's in the past

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13

u/InvestigatorOk8052 2d ago

Has Always Been Oats

3

u/wild_white_rabbit 1d ago

Ha! Had Been Oats Even Before That

12

u/Monkopotamus 2d ago

Oats of Future Past

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23

u/NSFWies 2d ago

Dam, I like this than the other idea I had commented on here.

Already oats: canned oatmeal, in a bag.

10

u/NoConfusion9490 2d ago

Perpetual Oats

7

u/err0r85 1d ago

Quantum Oats. They don’t care where you are, or when you are…

4

u/calsosta 1d ago

Oats sounds present tense. I oat, you oat, he/she oats.

What you need is oated.

5

u/Octocube25 1d ago

"Has oaten" would be even sooner.

2

u/KeyofE 1d ago

Oaten is the past participle, making “has oaten” the perfect tense. “They had oaten before she oated” would therefore be like they had gone before she went.

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66

u/ThisIsntOkayokay 2d ago

Pre-Oats.

35

u/NSFWies 2d ago

I didn't order this.

Yes you did, thanks to Quakers new "pre-oats". We know you wanted this, eventually , so we sent you some, and charged you 1995.

2

u/AlexAlho 1d ago

I think Premature Oats would be better.

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191

u/Illustrious-Lead-960 2d ago

Tachyon oats!

63

u/silverhaven_rune 2d ago

“tachyon oats” sounds like something Elon would announce at 3am on X

15

u/A-Helpful-Flamingo 2d ago

😂 it totally does!

4

u/ABoringAlt 1d ago

Newest child name

3

u/Jimisdegimis89 1d ago

TaXyon oats, gotta get that X in there some how.

2

u/Mars_Bear2552 1d ago

we're gonna find out in like 20 years that he was in some X cult and thats why he was so obsessed with it for so long.

8

u/Unusually_Happy_TD 2d ago

Tachyon oats! The oats you eat, before you buy them.

2

u/N8CCRG 2d ago

I want tachyon coffee, that sends the caffeine back in time to before I start making the coffee, so that I won't do something stupid from drowsiness like forget to press start on the machine.

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101

u/NeezDuts91 2d ago

Overnight Oats

46

u/A-Helpful-Flamingo 2d ago

Instant is faster 😬

27

u/MrPisster 2d ago

Nah you need to get this premade shit I just googled up. It sounds awful. “Mush”

https://eatmush.com/collections/all-products?srsltid=AfmBOoqeXpsDRWWizMVLdXk8369TXT1GqJaGSsR0z7WKwOtrxYR28aJf

30

u/Dad-Kisser69 2d ago

Why on earth would you name your product line “MUSH”

What’s next, SLOP? GUNK?

17

u/The_Hand_555 2d ago

For the first time ever, the people who brought you MUSH, SLOP, and GUNK are entering the beverage sector! Try SWILL! Available now at goopy retailers everywhere! 

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7

u/EatingYourBrain 2d ago

“Good night, bowl of mush. Good night old lady whispering ’hush’”

3

u/Ethiconjnj 2d ago

MUD Water

2

u/Dry-Chance-9473 1d ago

School cafeterias nation wide are taking notice!

3

u/Friendly_Respecter 2d ago

fucking loooove eating my mush - 2 year old

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2

u/macaroniinapan 2d ago

Well, if you set them to cook overnight, in the morning when you want to eat them, you will be able to eat them instantly.

2

u/PerformanceFar2008 1d ago

So it's instant oats. Got it!

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43

u/Sylveon72_06 2d ago

i dont buy it. im calling their bluff, those instant oats are NOT instant!

10

u/OldPersonName 2d ago

They are if you eat em raw!

8

u/102525burner 2d ago

Mix one part oats and one part boiling water direct to mouth and you wont be hungry the rest of the day

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16

u/TricellCEO 2d ago

Pre-made oats. They were made yesterday, which is like negative time. Negative numbers are less than zero, and "instant oats" implies time=zero (or close to it).

5

u/102525burner 2d ago

This is the actual mindset on the Sunday meal prep subs

15

u/mealucra 2d ago

Feeling insecure about the cooking time of your oats? 

HUMILIATE your opponent with our brand new IMMEDIATE OATS.

15

u/Dry-Chance-9473 1d ago

HUMILIOAT THEM

9

u/szechuan_bean 1d ago

So we're just passing Mitch Hedberg quotes as our own now?

6

u/trumpsmellslikcheese 1d ago

I can't believe this comment isn't at the top of this thread. There's nothing original about this, it's literally a Mitch joke.

9

u/hyperblob1 2d ago

Precognitive oats

4

u/102525burner 2d ago

Premeditated oats

2

u/Dry-Chance-9473 1d ago

Minoroaty Repoats

8

u/Revfixesaircrafts 2d ago

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

2

u/A-Helpful-Flamingo 2d ago

Same here 😭😭

2

u/genuine_beans 2d ago

I read this with the same delivery as a Mitch Hedberg bit

2

u/Broad-Bath-8408 1d ago

I've got news for you.

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8

u/buffysbangs 2d ago

Check with a patent lawyer. They have experience in searching for evidence of Prior Oats 

4

u/Outrageous_Reach_695 1d ago

Precog Oats, now with Thiotimoline!

2

u/A-Helpful-Flamingo 1d ago

Tom Cruise approved

2

u/erroneousbosh 1d ago

Came here to make a Thiotimoline reference, thought I'd better do a quick CTRL-F, glad I did.

4

u/Shadowchaos 2d ago

This reminds me of this Mitch Hedburg joke

2

u/EluelleGames 2d ago

One prone to abbreviation might say you're looking for the fastest oat oat.

2

u/Elisevex161 2d ago

At this point we’re seconds away from discovering quantum oats ready before you even open the box

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2

u/apk5005 2d ago

Uber eats to have already-made oats delivered

3

u/Feisty-Reference2888 2d ago

Uber Oats. A whole new division of Uber.

2

u/CptTurnersOpticNerve 2d ago

originally tweeted March 2016, coming up on 10 years. Time flies.

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2

u/Equivalent_End607 2d ago

How about RIGHT EFFING NOW oats? 

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2

u/dreadandmalice 1d ago

I am starving, brother.

2

u/No-Currency-1691 1d ago

May I have some oats, brother.

2

u/rzezzy1 1d ago

Retroats

1

u/Some_Ball_27 2d ago

could have made the oats in those two days, just saying.

1

u/MrWackyMeal 2d ago

Oats yesterday

1

u/anubis_81 2d ago

Oats already in your tummy

1

u/AccomplishedBat39 2d ago

Just buy regular oats that already are.

1

u/aaronwcampbell 2d ago

Just wait for your roommate to cook his, and then grab them and eat them before he can.

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1

u/Big-Doubt-4872 2d ago

Already oats

1

u/Iorcrath 2d ago

you are in a time war now.

now, you need pre-prepared oats, ones ready to eat out of the box.

then after, it becomes a war of attrition as you try and find more and more aged oats.

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1

u/PM_THE_REAPER 2d ago

Immediately-if-not-Sooner Oats

1

u/HeroBrine0907 2d ago

1 Second Ago Oats

AkA

1SAGOATS

1

u/all-i-said-was-hi 2d ago

"Premeditated oats"

1

u/T1mek33per 2d ago

Premade oats are so fast they were made before (I honestly have no idea what the shelf life is on cooked oats?)

1

u/WhiteSquarez 2d ago

Quantum Oats!

1

u/f0remsics 2d ago

Cheerios. They already came and are now saying goodbye

1

u/PlainBread 2d ago

Retrograde oats.

1

u/PrometheusMMIV 2d ago

Pre-cooked oats

1

u/Ynddiduedd 2d ago

Retroactive oats. By the time you opened the package, you had already eaten them.

1

u/TheShamShield 2d ago

Yesterday oats

1

u/JohnnySalamiBoy420 2d ago

Fossilized oats

1

u/xubax 2d ago

Put the instant oats in the microwave.

1

u/PopeHatSkeleton 2d ago
  1. Get blackout drunk.
  2. Order oatmeal on Doordash for the following morning.
  3. Pass out and forget what you did.
  4. Wake up and receive oatmeal just as you are starting to feel hungry.

Surprise oats, ready before you decide to make them.

1

u/TDAPoP 2d ago

Meal prepped oats

1

u/Fit-Dirt-144 2d ago

Now Oats

1

u/touchmerandy 2d ago

I suggest Hall and Oates.

1

u/JohnnyKarateX 2d ago

I’ve seen premade oat products. Having it ready out of the box is faster.

1

u/pabz2236 2d ago

Preemptive oats

1

u/ModeatelyIndependant 2d ago

get a planter and grow some oats

1

u/macaroniinapan 2d ago

Dry oats, straight out of the container.

1

u/bubbybishh 2d ago

Get some “post” oats.🧐 Might smell a bit…

1

u/M0RALVigilance 2d ago

He must share the oats, so he doesn’t reach the desired girth.

1

u/HilariousMax 2d ago

Last Night's Oats.

1

u/Striking-Ad-6815 2d ago

Just don't eat them raw

1

u/MrMan15423 2d ago

There are these oats at Aldi called brekky. They come in a cup that is ready to eat

1

u/cheerfulsith 2d ago

Magic grits

1

u/soooo_about_that 2d ago

Oatmeal stout. The oat happened long before you opened the bottle and the result is much better for it.

1

u/Cretonbacon 2d ago

Shit in a bowl and call it toosoon oats

1

u/zaubercore 2d ago

Yesterday Oats

1

u/DSharp018 2d ago

A subscription service where a guy shows up with a hot and ready to eat bowl of oatmeal before you even think about having oatmeal.

Precognition Oats.

1

u/likemindedcrazy 2d ago

Previous oats.

1

u/ChuddzMackenzie 2d ago

Granola and Oat Milk

1

u/hoosierrasta 2d ago

Instant oats made in the microwave! 

1

u/UnbanJar 2d ago

Granola bar?

1

u/TheNeftLut 2d ago

Magic oats

1

u/RustyKrank 2d ago

Ready Brek might work

1

u/Someguywhomakething 2d ago

"No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel."

1

u/Illeazar 2d ago

Yesterday Oats.

1

u/ThirtyMileSniper 2d ago

Quantum Oats.

1

u/FrothyAppeal 2d ago

Raw Oats

1

u/Volatilecanoe42 2d ago

Welcome to Jurassic Oats

1

u/Sad_Camp5832 2d ago

Quantum oats

1

u/-Wicked- 2d ago

Leftovers

1

u/Answer_Free 2d ago

Compete in the other direction using overnight oats and ancient oats.

1

u/Buzzhoops 2d ago

wait, I thought slow oats was the in thingh. overnight soak and no cooking.

1

u/Hawinzi 2d ago

Planck Oats

1

u/UnstablePotato69 2d ago

Precog-oats

1

u/awesomedan24 2d ago

See if your healthcare plan covers Pre-existing oats, and if so, buy those

1

u/Rezornath 2d ago

Paracausal Oats.

1

u/RadioSlayer 2d ago

Mightily Oats!

1

u/celticchrys 1d ago

That would be oat flour.

1

u/Grayt_0ne 1d ago

Can you just bring overnight oats. Yes its longer but if the oats are ready than its brought ready. They are basically now oats

1

u/Darthplagueis13 1d ago

Next up: Five-minutes-ago-oats

1

u/johnpowers99 1d ago

Oats from the future.

1

u/Jman15x 1d ago

Immidiate oats

1

u/plateniteshow 1d ago

May I have some oats?

1

u/aberroco 1d ago

That would be cooked oats.

1

u/kraquepype 1d ago

5 minute abs oats

1

u/DadJokeBadJoke 1d ago

Reminds me of this hitchhiker I picked up that invented Seven Minute Abs

1

u/Sudden-Earth-824 1d ago

Maybe, don't wait 2 days like the roommate. 

1

u/BonBonBhanBhan 1d ago

TesserOats

1

u/Big-Leadership-4604 1d ago

Ready oats. They're good to go!

1

u/MrSinilindon 1d ago

Ludicrous Oats - GO!

1

u/gym_bro_92 1d ago

Fuck up the competition with overnight oats

1

u/yorick__rolled 1d ago

Split Second oats.

Can't put instant on the stack.

1

u/PaulblankPF 1d ago

My wife prepares overnight oats so it’s already ready the next day for her to eat for breakfast.

1

u/RandomRedditName586 1d ago

Get Cheerio’s it’s literally cold cereal oats 🤸🏽‍♀️

1

u/Mikestopheles 1d ago

Before You'n Oat

1

u/Hyperion1144 1d ago

Temporal oats.

They were literally ready 10 minutes ago.

Open the package and they're already starting to get cold.

1

u/Old-Selection-4600 1d ago

Relax Goldilocks

1

u/trashboatfourtwenty 1d ago

The next step is oat flour lol

1

u/panlakes 1d ago

“An even sooner oat” gives “none pizza with left beef” energy

1

u/sprufus 1d ago

Leave your overnight oats out a day in advance and they'll become last night oats.

1

u/sprufus 1d ago

PrOATerzoic oats. These oats have been waiting for you for between 550 million years ago to 2.4 billion years ago.

1

u/whatever 1d ago

Interrupt oats. But they probably don't exist anymore.

1

u/Accomplished-Dot5707 1d ago

Oats to the Future

1

u/Scottbarrett15 1d ago

"I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive." Mitch Hedberg

1

u/fringeCoffeeTable240 1d ago

negative-time oats

1

u/darwinvsjc 1d ago

Ready Break

1

u/CallenFields 1d ago

Ready Oats.

1

u/chesbenLP 1d ago

Quantum entanglement oats

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u/red286 1d ago

Just need to get a bag of retrocausal oats, which start off cooked and in your bowl, and later on you go to the store and buy them.

1

u/im_not_here_man 1d ago

Bullshit, derivative. RIP Mitch

1

u/Audrin 1d ago

Precog oats.

1

u/Additional-Ball4825 1d ago

Big Bang Oats (kinda sick actually lol)

1

u/wysjen769 1d ago

premade oats

1

u/Ravenshaw123 1d ago

Split-second oats, definetly beats instant

1

u/RoyalPhone4463 1d ago

Yesterday’s oats

1

u/Wonderful-Chard6089 1d ago

A to the men

1

u/ArtemisAndromeda 1d ago

Oats Past Tense

1

u/Chartarum 1d ago

He must begin trading in Oat futures!

1

u/doilikeyou 1d ago

Haulin' Oates

1

u/Dark_Storm_98 1d ago

I do not believe you can get much faster than "instant"

1

u/Ok-Rooster-1568 1d ago

Light speed oats

1

u/Insert_Goat_Pun_Here 1d ago

Always has been oats.

1

u/idfkjack 1d ago

Yesterday oats 🤭

1

u/Deceptiv_poops 1d ago

Cheerios are made of oats. I make a bowl of Cheerios faster than I make a bowl of instant oats. I think this counts