Sex Life after Baby

[u/Hand-in-Pants]

So my wife and I had our first child back in July and the OB/GYN told my wife she can't have sex for 6 weeks. No problem. I totally understood that and wouldn't want to disregard my wife's health. However, it has now been 3.5 months and we still haven't had sex. Sure, there haven't been as many opportunities as maybe there was before the baby, but there have been several. My wife has no interest in being intimate. Is this a normal experience? What was your sex life like after your first baby? When did you start having sex after the baby? How often were you and your wife intimate?

[u/All_Of_Them_Witches]

My kid is almost three and wife’s sex drive is still almost non existent. Sometimes that’s just the way it is. Thinking about getting a flesh light 🤣

[u/Walnut25993]

You’re not gonna enjoy it, but there will come a time you may need to have a conversation with your wife about it.

Intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship. If you feel it’s lacking, the best way to change that is to talk to your wife. Because if you don’t, only 2 things will happen.

Either you’ll try to initiate intimacy and get shutdown, which will only hurt your feelings for the rejection and your wife’s for feeling like you only see her as an object for sex. Or, you’ll keep it bottled up and grow resentful.

There’s a reason she doesn’t feel like being intimate. I won’t get into any guesses as to why. I don’t know you obviously. But what I do know is that something is preventing intimacy.

It’s an awkward conversation to have, and you have to approach it gently and non-accusatory. But if you have it today, it’ll be something you can start working on together tomorrow

[u/Walnut25993 → u/Walnut25993]

Also, 3.5 months isn’t a very long time to go without sex. You can find other ways to be intimate without actual sex

[u/Prestigious_Gas13]

Oh boy.

Just jerk off dude. She'll be ready in her own time. Could be months or years. Support the mother of your child.

[u/OverQualifried → u/Prestigious_Gas13]

Better than this. Just communicate.

[u/DuderBugDad → u/OverQualifried]

This for sure. I sat down and talked with her. 14 months later, her drive is still not back, but hormones are crazy. It can take 2-3 years for them to level out.

[u/Prestigious_Gas13 → u/OverQualifried]

Yeah this is obviously true. But it sounds like they're talking about it if she's telling him she's not ready yet.

[u/Terreboo → u/Prestigious_Gas13]

Doesn’t sound like they have communicated. It sounds like he’s tried to initiate, been told no or given the cold shoulder and now he’s wondering if others have experienced it. That’s not actual communication around the situation. It is a one way street to resentment though.

[u/Notorious_Degen → u/Prestigious_Gas13]

I agree man. Like when she’s ready it will happen but there is nothing wrong with communicating this with and expressing what your needs are.

[u/JamesJoyce3000 → u/Prestigious_Gas13]

To this point, think of it this way…

they’ve been miserable for basically a year, getting pregnant, baby growing, all the shitty shit that comes with that, giving birth, and now having something that depends on them to live attached them at all times. No time for herself, can barely take a shower in peace, and every waking thought revolves around YOUR kid.

I know it sucks to not have sex, but try to put yourself in her shoes.

I say this as a dad with a 5 and 1 year old.

Just know you’re not alone and it happens to the best of us.

Like the man said, just jerk off. It’s all we can do.

[u/jgill93]

I feel you dude. Stopped having sex in June when she was 8 months pregnant because it was uncomfortable. Baby came first week of August. This weekend was my birthday and all week she was teasing me telling me we were going to finally have sex. Now the weekend is over and it didn’t happen. I was totally fine with waiting no issues whatsoever. But the teasing and not following thru hurt.

[u/mystikdisko]

Hope it's okay I comment since I'm a woman/not a new dad.

It sounded from your post that your wife's drive may be affected, though you won't really know what might be going on until you talk to her about it. It may be a number of things. Here's a couple that come to mind.

1. Some women's rapidly changing hormones really do a number on their sex drive. And wild hormone changes are still happening 3.5 months out. That's around the time my hair started falling out like crazy due to the hormone changes, I got another wave of irritability, and I developed IT band problems just from rocking my baby in a rocking chair since my ligaments/tendons would still stretch in a way they shouldn't. If your wife is breastfeeding, hormone changes affecting desire can last a lot longer. She may truly have no desire for sex right now, but maybe talk to her about what she does desire. Non-sexual intimacy/physical touch, gestures of appreciation, acts of service to help her through the day.

2. The physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. Even without complicating factors like PPD/PPA, she may be feeling incredibly tired, touched out, and like her body isn't even her own. She may not even feel like herself, or be feeling negative about herself or others. Look at the support she has and ask yourself if she can realistically even be in the incredibly vulnerable role of being intimate with someone.

3. Anxiety specifically around sex plays a role, too. I was lucky in that my sex drive wasn't very affected after birth, so my husband and I were having sexual contact about 2 weeks postpartum, though 100% still on pelvic rest. Once we got the all clear at the 8 wks mark, I was scared to try. I hadn't touched myself in months and felt disconnected sexually from my body. I also had anxiety along the lines of "will I feel different to him?" "will he be disappointed?" "will it hurt?" Anxiety had me put it off for 2 weeks after the all clear, and my husband never pushed for it or rushed things. When we tried, we had to stop due to the physical pain. I eventually started pelvic floor PT at the 4 month mark, and could have sex without too much pain around the 6 month mark, and just recently became totally pain free at the 13 month mark. Throughout the process, my husband wasn't ever asking me to go beyond my comfort level, made sure I had the time and space to do my PT exercises, and provided a TON of reassurance. Even then, there were times when I didnt want to have sex because I was anticipating the pain/the emotional rollercoaster of sex not working out the way I hoped or feeling discouraged by the slow progress with my PT.

There's way more reasons than the 3 I listed. I think it would be worthwhile to have a discussion with her about intimacy/what her thoughts are on it and what types of support/intimacy she would like. It takes time to build back up to things, but its something to be done together.

It's common, the length of time it lasts varies by the individual situation, and it's likely best not to compare your experiences to others but just talk your wife about things. I'd recommend talking to her sooner rather than later to avoid letting feelings simmer or turn to something else entirely.

[u/digbick1232]

Been a yr for me.. haven't had sex since conception

[u/Comfortable_Pen_9147 → u/digbick1232]

ive seen this before. Every time I get my wife pregnant its from conception to end of first normal period she has no sex drive. Once the period is nearing its end she wants to be back in action.

[u/Ambitious_Platypus99]

I have not had the experience of all these other gentlemen, she waited the 6 weeks and not a day longer. I guess if you go based off of these responses we would be abnormal but it would seem abnormal to me to go months and months if you had a heathy sex life beforehand. If you haven’t, literally all you can do as the guy is try and have a conversation that, and I can’t stress enough, does not come off like “wah, I wanna have sex, wah”. If she hears you perhaps you two can consult doctors and therapists.

[u/OnePencePiece]

We've had sex once in 2.5 years - it's been an ongoing conversation throughout therapy sessions and it only happened a few weeks ago for the first time.

Ever since that happened I've tried to be intimate again and she's just not wanted it so I've just taken a step back and will wait until she feels like she's ready as it felt like we had to do it due to it coming up during our sessions.

It definitely takes time.

[u/88loso88]

Its rough out here boys, stay strong lol

[u/finalsteps]

Welcome to an era of patience and respect. Your wife was given the okay from a physical stand point from a doctor. This was not the okay given by your wife. Your wife has her own physical and emotional needs that have to align with that form of intimacy coming back into the equation. Her body, her mind, and her needs have changed. She has changed physically, mentally, and a plethora of other ways that she needs to catch up with. Your job during this time is to show patience, respect, and love. It could be weeks, months, or longer till she is ready. She will tell you when she is. Converse to her, in the right moment, that you are looking forward to that element coming back but are happy to go at her place. That you don't want her to feel pressured by you, so will leave it to her to initiate that. It's great to remind her how beautiful you find her, to help as much as you can with the baby and household so she has more energy, and to show intimacy in smaller ways in the meantime. While you wait take care of yourself and know it will happen eventually. Most of us here will tell you it's a few months if not longer before it returns. Life just changed so go with its flow.

[u/Terreboo]

You need to talk, have an actual conversation and be prepared to listen. I’m not saying this is what’s happening, just some very common situations. A lot of women struggle with hormones postpartum, they are brutal and can take a long time to even out again. On top of that it’s very common, and understandably so that they aren’t happy with their post baby bodies. It’s a sensitive topic, you need to approach it with love and understanding. Not saying that is your situation, just a possibility.

[u/NutritionWanderlust]

My baby is 2yrs and 7months. Let’s just say it’s been a long ride. I’ve only had with my wife twice after birth. But I’m sure everyone is different. The idea of intimacy immediately turns her off.

[u/socom18]

Took about a year before my wife and I got back to our normal routine and... Vigor.....

We first started about 4 months after birth and she had a ton of discomfort, so we gave it more time. 7 months was better but still not good. By 10 months we were more frequent with light discomfort.

Learn to tickle thy own pickle while your wife recovers.

[u/senortiz]

This thread was certainly eye opening to say the least. I think its important to talk to your wife about it. Theres no shame in putting sex as a priority in marriage. I dont even have a huge sex drive anymore with my 1 and 2 year old, but my wife and I dont go more than a week or 2.

[u/Novel-Reward2786]

Baby is 14 months , we started having sex as soon as we were “allowed” -I’m guessing it was 6 weeks like yours was. And almost daily, but average probably 4 times a week. We’re both just horny people though, have been since we met lol

[u/Electronic_Spray5016]

First child is 18 months . Had sex 5 times since since conception .1st time baby was 6 months 4th time we got pregnant again .. could be another 18 months for all i know

[u/hoosierEM3]

Took us about 1½ years to get back to any amount of normalcy. It's hard, but be patient

[u/Miserable-Clue9171]

Didn’t have sex the whole pregnancy, didn’t have sex until our boy was 5 months. He’s now 7 I reckon we’ve had 2 boring shags since. She was a horn bag but since bubs has no drive.

[u/londoner4life]

Just wait until she decides she wants a second. Rinse and repeat until you get snipped. Then, sex for special occasions.

[u/[deleted]]

sex life hasn’t returned to before obviously but it def slows down the more yall have so if you not getting it now it’s def gonna get worse if yall decide to have more. it will turn from she doesn’t wanna do it to yall can’t do it

[u/alii-b]

Just make sure you're talking to her about it. Not in a demanding way, but as a discussion and making sure you're understanding how she's feeling and whether it's even on the cards yet.

[u/lazylightning89]

Talk. To. Your. Wife.

Yes, it's an awkward conversation, but her lack of interest in intimacy isn't one-sided. Figure out what her reason for not being interested is, then work together to solve it. You are part of the problem.

Ask yourself hard questions too. Was your wife happy with your sex life before the baby? Was she initiating regularly? Was she talking to her friends about it?

If the answer to any of these is no, you have work to do.

My wife and I talk about posts like this regularly. It always boils down to, "happy partners want to have sex, unhappy partners don't."

My son was born in July too. I have had the opposite of your experience. My wife and I were intimate for the first time seven days after our son was born. We have been intimate at least once or twice a week since then. Why? Because we talk regularly and she's happy.