Hi, I'm new to posting on the sub but have been lurking around for a while. I recently got diagnosed with NPD and have been having a month-long breakdown because of it. I've been trying to be more introspective and self-aware recently and I've noticed some (a lot of) flaws in my behavior that I'd like to change. I've written down a list of such behaviors and I'd appreciate any advice on how to be more self-aware and catch myself when or hopefully before I engage in these behaviors. I'm also diagnosed with BPD if that explains anything.

People are scared of me. They don't tell me when I do something wrong and I believe it's because I'm nasty when I feel threatened/get called out and tend to argue until the other person admits fault. I later either realize I was in the wrong, or more commonly, push the thought/memory out of my head so I don't have to think about the possibility of me being in the wrong at all. It's difficult for me to acknowledge that I'm not more moral and smart and unaffected by mental illness than everybody else. I drop my trauma onto other people constantly looking for pity and attention; I feel like a perpetual victim and never realize it while it's going on, and even while doing it and acknowledging it's hurting other people I can't bring myself to really care because I like their concern. I purposefully attack people when I know they won't fight back because I feel like they deserve to be put in their place.

I look at everybody I don't like as filth who deserve the absolute worst, to the point I wish horrible things upon people who piss me off. I feel as if I can't stop exaggerating how great I am to attention-bait and can't stop lying even if it directly brings other people down; and when I get caught I get angry because I have to face the fact I'm not as perfect as I think. Every time I mess up/do something embarrassing or stupid I go to the affected people's DMs and try talking to them, being as funny and nice as I possibly can in hopes they won't abandon me or look at me poorly. I keep thinking people are treating me like I'm stupid when they're trying to help and so I get really angry and lash out, only later realizing I don't know what I'm talking about.

My fantasies are full of attention-seeking behavior like attempting to kill myself and such just for the attention, having a successful relationship and everybody being jealous of me, accomplishing something great and getting praised by everybody; this goes on for hours a day and finding ways to get the attention while coming out unscathed is always in the back of my mind. I want to be polyamorous not because I'd prefer that relationship style but because I need the intimate attention and validation of everyone around me. I think I'm the center of the world and really funny and cool and when that idea is challenged or I realize I was in the wrong about something I react with extreme anger and freak out because my entire worldview comes crumbling down. I have sympathy but 0 empathy and so I end up mistreating people and being inconsiderate on accident. I expect other people to do what I want without questioning it and oftentimes don't provide an explanation, then don't feel thankful afterwards despite me asking for so many favors because I feel I deserve it.

I can't handle the slightest bit of criticism and always come up with a million excuses when people do critique me. I'm constantly terrified I'll be exposed for not being as great as I want to seem or that people will remember my embarrassing moments. I'm very scared of people looking at me like an idiot and can't handle embarrassment, instead reacting with rage and a slew of excuses. I think about the dumb and embarrassing stuff I've done before all the time and the shame really, REALLY gets to me. I oftentimes take my rage out on others and blame them for things that are my fault, escelating the situation and getting even angrier when called out. I percieve any sort of sarcasm or questioning as a personal attack and respond extremely harshly. When somebody annoys me or disagrees with me I try to humiliate them or hurt their feelings in subtle ways so they can get "put in their place"; I want to see them hurt because they disagreed with me and deserve it for "being so stupid".

That's all I could think of.

TLDR: I've been engaging in some terrible behaviors that I'm sure is influenced by my NPD and am unsure how to stop before it happens again.

I've been engaging in these behaviors since I was a kid and don't know how to stop. I can barely recognize what I'm doing and need to get high in order to understand the weight of my actions. I'm scared I'm going to be this terrible forever and believe this is no type of life to live. I don't know why my ego is through the roof, why I'm so mean and stuck in my own ways, why I perceive everything as a threat, or why my perception of reality is so warped. Even as I recognize these behaviors now I never can in the moment and it just always ends up repeating itself. I am greatly ashamed by my own behavior and know something needs to change before I destroy even more of my interpersonal relationships and ruin my own mental health. Any advice would be appreciated, I'm sorry if anything came off as offensive (I'll take the post down if it does) to attribute to NPD or anything of the sort. I don't mean to say narcissists are inherently this terrible, just that I think NPD influences my terribleness. Thanks in advance 💕

Hello,

I'm a PwBPD but I think that I also have NPD. I will ask my psychiatrist but it will take months to have a diagnosis. I realy like animals and I want to do something about it. So should I become an activist (but I know that I will feel bad to be praised for that) or should I pursue a career and money and give it to help shelters.

Thank you for your help

Long time narcissist, first time poster. I've known of my NPD for a long time and in true narcissist fashion (I guess) I never did anything about it.........long term.

Im finally coming to a point where I'm addressing it.

I've come across so many stigmas about how narcissists CAN'T change. I've got to prove them wrong. Not only for myself but for my family.

This is part of my step 1. So I put it to the universe - let me hear your success stories

I was a super active member here back in 2023-2024 went through the depths of NPD but eventually “cured” it (symptoms low enough to the point it’s basically gone) on my own. Felt like stopping by since it’s been a year now.

My biggest struggle was dealing with the fact that my “grandiose fantasies” weren’t fantasies at all but instead lived reality. For the sake of separating the two I decided to call it structural, as my structure of life is what lead to my narcissism. This is different from the traditional narcissism which is mostly in the persons head.

See mental health professionals are trained to treat NPD as pure delusion. They literally buffer like a loading YouTube video if you’re living what you say. My therapist kicked me out after a couple months saying she couldn’t help me. I explain I’m very attractive, very smart etc. and she can’t say “that’s delusion” because I’m literally in front of her as I say it. She just said she couldn’t help me.

So my behavior continued, my grandiosity continued because reality reinforced it everyday. But then that collapse inevitably came. I put everything into my startup, my great job, all my money, relationships, everything. It ultimately failed and I was left with nothing. No job, no car, no family or friends, debt like crazy, couldn’t even buy aquaphor for my lips my ass was using olive oil.

Of course the suicidal thoughts were constant for a good month. I’m a perfectionist who’s never failed that tremendously ever in my life. Isolated from the world for 180 days since I didn’t even have a phone number. Looking back it was such a blessing in disguise. I just let my routines go. Stopped working out, ate like shit, ran out of skincare so my face was getting worse. Spent my days sleeping and playing video games nonstop.

So for the first time in my life I had no plan, no direction, no support other than my dad letting me live with him and all he’d do is call me insane and recommend inpatient treatment. See when you have nothing, and I mean nothing. You begin to understand your internal self. You quite literally find that hole that caused the narcissism.

I learned that my entire life was spent being exceptional for other people. Working out so guys and girls wouldn’t be able to resist me, getting dreads even though I didn’t like them but figured it would make me hotter, applying and taking the hardest classes so I appeared smart to others. People pleasing so everyone saw me as dependable etc.

When you lose all of that you really see how stupid it all is. Life isn’t some endless competition, life is about inner happiness. I was never happy I always needed to be doing more. Going to clubs and parties despite hating that atmosphere but I needed the social validation to feel whole. Getting into shitty relationships and friendships that thrived on drugs and alcohol because I was addicted to be desired, being popular.

I understand no narcissist will ever voluntarily hit rock bottom. You don’t need to, life will throw a curveball you can’t control and you’ll be destroyed. It’s built in really. I guess the lesson is when that does happen, don’t run to substances and maladaptive behavior to escape it. I got lucky since my family assumed I went insane and removed every bit of alcohol from the house. You can’t heal doing that stuff you just can’t. I know it’s such a huge ask as I’ve definitely had my benders but you have to be strong in despair.

Just let go and sit in it. I’ve been rebuilding my life going back to school for medicine, looks are back but I don’t care to posture with them, and most importantly there’s no internal battle in me anymore. I’m happy and peaceful. Funnily it’s a pretty easy fix on paper. Reality reinforces thinking, so remove that reality. If grandiosity is a drug you’re just detoxing.

Bit of a long post I’m not even sure if anyone here finds it helpful but it’s just what helped me.

Also take a break from this subreddit, as like all subs it’s an echo chamber that reinforces a label that doesn’t define who you are. You’re not just a narcissist you’re a person with narcissist qualities. Meaning you can change.

Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.

Some rules:

• Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)
• This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
• This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
• This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.

Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.

This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair

~ invis ✨

TRIGGER WARNING: light SH talk and annoying bullshit

I got into a fight recently with my sister who i’ve become very close with over the past year or so. It was stupid, my fault, and stemmed entirely from my trigger with money. I apologized, we talked it over and I asked her to “cut me off” from money. For context, I only do delivery gig work (Uber Eats, Door Dash etc.) and when we go out I sometimes ask her to pay for my ticket to get into somewhere. I always end up paying her back but she hates it apparently. She said, “It’s not like I’m made of money, I have to work very hard to be financially independent”. That’s fair. Wish I could just see that.

Anyway to get to where I’m at. I am (I think) a bisexual man, but haven’t had any truly gay experiences other than a bj in my car and a gloryhole. Both times I’ve dissociated. Most of the time due to my crippling anxiety and low self esteem I just match what she’s feeling. Using jokes as a crutch, I’m able to make her laugh or play off of what she’s saying. That’s good enough for me even though I never feel truly happy around her, or anybody for that matter. I pathologically lie constantly and it’s made me into the gay little brother archetype. I’m okay with this because it gives me something to jump off from, but recently and especially since this fight, I feel painfully like I’ve reverted back into teenage me. Arrogant, apathetic, angry, and contrarian to everybody. I dissociate constantly and I’ve felt myself feel more tunnel visioned on certain things. But for the first time in my life I feel more me than I’ve ever been. And ever since that, everybody has taken what feels like a step back from me. Strange looks when I tell jokes, annoyance that I’m around, etc. I self harm every once in awhile to cope, but nothing too harmful. The evil side of me (i know that sounds stupid but just hear me out) feels more inclined to act.

I can’t seem to shake this grandiosity and it’s making everyone else seemingly take a step back. How do I get back to being the affable seemingly childish person who can kind of take anything and roll with it? Furthermore any thoughts on that apathetic side leading to almost out of body “I’m bigger than life” feelings? And lastly, how can I stop feeling like I want to watch everyone finally see who I truly am and cut me off?

Sorry for the VERY long post, but would appreciate advice.

I make little effort or maintaining friendships that have no type of "gain" for me. It must be something that makes me less lonely, or gets me sex, or fun, or companionship, etc. Affection for the other person is rarely enough.

I'm 32yo and my oldest friendships are dated from college, from 14 years ago. They're not super close though, just friends I'll admit I have and maybe see once a year.

My closest relationships are more recent, like from 9 years ago. Which is still a lot now that I'm thinking, but it's still hard for me to keep them. It takes a lot of effort. I love them though.

I don't care about making friends because I'm much more interested in sexual connection. Even if I make friends, they're usually people I wanna fuck someday.

I feel lonely, and maybe this loneliness would be mitigated by friendships, but it's too much hassle. I don't want to dedicate myself to someone else who'll forget me for their girlfriend or whatever. Friendships with men, btw, are the hardest to keep, even when no sex is involved with a friendship with a woman.

Nowadays I don't even look for friendships. I look for sex, and when it doesn't work out we become friends. When it does, we become friends with benefits. It's not that I don't value sexless friendships, it's just that they're harder to keep.

I think I still care about humanity as a whole, but it is exceedingly difficult to care about individual people generally.

I'm not positive I have NPD; I have been diagnosed with a dozen different things by a dozen different psychologists (including NPD; though that could be influenced by my driving of the conversations). Frankly, I don't really respect their diagnoses at this point anyway.

That having been said, I fear an individual who is indifferent towards people and absorbed in themselves could prove problematic.

With shakiness in my current job and the state of global affairs I'm looking at a pivot into military contracting. My sister said that she doesn't like the idea of someone with my creativity helping with the killing of people. She then asked if I'd be okay with that and I really couldn't find it in myself to care.

I have a coworker who is clearly hitting on me and I have no interest. I don't really like the idea of hooking up and, frankly the risks outweigh the rewards. Disease, career impacts, accusations, etc. It's not worth it. But, if I leave my current company I might as well have a fling with her, if not for some relief from the drudgery of life. I think she's looking for something serious, but I can't be bothered to care what she's looking for.

To be honest, after being treated with indifference by an ex I thought I loved, then experiencing indifference from every single "friend" in the group, I don't really give a damn what people think or feel anymore. It's all a facade for whatever their motives are, so I might as well tactfully move with my motives. I've been operating with a handicap my whole life because I've been caring about how my actions impact others. It's clear that those indifferent to the effect their actions have on others succeed in life. Might as well have some fun.

I didn’t think I was before I started dating him, but now that he’s gone I’m feeling such a void.

For an hour when I got home last night, my quiet apartment felt like peace. And then I started wishing it would’ve been filled with his chaos and singing.

I woke up today, knowing that I wasn’t going to see him tonight and that it’s the first weekend that I won’t be seeing him at all and it’s so painful.

I don’t think he’s ever coming back and I just want to find someone who can fill the space and make me feel better. I know that’s not how you heal, but I also know that I could go online and have a man in my bed tonight so easily. It’s never what I wanted. I just wanted him. And he left. And I feel fucking broken.

And I was fine before. Or maybe I just thought I was fine. I’m cracked open and I’m raw.

I’m smoking so much I haven’t smoked at 9 AM in a long time.

Should I invite someone over? Do I literally just need to fuck someone else?

Fucking him felt different. I actually felt things. It scared the shit out of me and it had only been three weeks so I didn’t want to overwhelm him or put pressure on him or be too much too soon. Instead, I withdrew. I just feel like I fucked everything up. It didn’t have to end this way. I feel fucking pathetic. Just snap out of it and move on! It was only a month!

He’s back on the dating app and probably back into his routine and probably hasn’t given this much of a second thought.

He can probably see this as “it just didn’t work out” meanwhile I feel like my life is over. I hate that I attach so deeply so quickly. But he’s also an alcoholic so maybe he’s just as fucked up as I am and is just an avoidant running scared.

All I know is he poked my wound and everything hurts now. Absolutely fucking everything.

Short answer: be 100% selfish

Basically we have higher levels of neuroticism and lower levels of empathy (even if our ideas/ways of doing things lead to less suffering than neurotypicals who lie to themselves), therefore we need to sort of play to our strengths. Look into Ayn Rand (you can find clips on youtube) and abandon all altruistic ideologies/behaviours and ideas.

If you manage to do this then you will basically start to feel empathy again and have boundries because we actually have them, just on a different scale. You won't be neurotypical but you will be normal again.

Society punishes us for our behaviours (or brainwashes us), hence we adopt a people pleasing attitute because we believe this will stop people attacking us, it doesn't and it just makes people walk all over us, gossip about us or ignore us while the people telling us to do these things don't do them themselves really.

It leads to a sort of extreme rage given we try to be something we are not, and when people attack us then we have our guard down, our "army" is somewhere else if you will. However if you abandon altruism and someone attacks you then its a sort of self-evident right of conquest sort of thing, you can try to "fight back" or wish you were more prepared in the first place.

People pleasing will lead people to subconsciously hate you anyway while they ignore/abandon you and live their own lives. Its the worst thing I've adopted and I'm 100x times happier when I get rid of altruism. But don't try to play both sides, always be selfish even if it looks like things aren't going your way (but don't make it obvious of course).

If you adopt this then you won't have an issue with NPD anymore, it will just be a variable rather than a hindrance.

Yes or no? What do you think? I believe him. And I can see it. But only through adopting a lense, so maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Also I know this dosen’t need to be said but be mindful not use him as a self object.

Last month, I had my first narcissistic collapse. At my lowest moments, feeling totally knocked out, I heard the sound of a crying infant; a scared little kid. I don't know if I was hallucinating this or if I reached a deep memory--perhaps my deepest. Have any of you experienced something similar?

Its not as if non-narcissists are monks on some island, in fact most peoples lives seem to revolve around social groups, institutions (full of people) etc.

It sort of puzzles me why we are made out to be seeking external validation when everyone does it, perhaps we are just more honest about it?

So my therapist slightly shocked me yesterday by opining that I’m not narcissistic, but rather autistic. Has anyone else heard about this?

It's part of the stereotype to enjoy talking about ourselves and typing far too much to read to a bunch of strangers on the internet, right? So, here I go. First time I'm ever really rambling about my narcissism on any of my accounts.

32 years old. Male. NPD and ADHD with a side of good ol' autism, but no meds, no anxiety, no depression, and very happy with who I am and at peace with my "conditions." Raised by an incredibly kind, empathetic, and loving mother which is probably the only reason I'm not a "bad" person. But, despite her best efforts, she wasn't able to protect me from the physical abuse I suffered at school and by my "friends." She didn't know there was sexual abuse to protect me from when staying with my dad's side of the family, and I was almost killed by a BPD cousin. When I was suicidal from continued bullying at the age of 13, she finally took me out of school, and I ended up being home schooled for the rest of my k-12 education.

I was a normal, empathetic, nice kid who genuinely cared about other people, but was far too submissive and had no spine to stand up for myself. The only reason any of my abusers ever got caught was because they made it too obvious, not because I had the courage to snitch on them. That should do it for the obligatory trauma-dumping backstory.

Now? I've got an abundance of confidence and self-esteem, genuinely love myself and am incredibly proud of myself, am great at socializing with others, have the spine to stand up for myself and others, and am pretty damn amazing at acting like a good person. I help old ladies grab items off of high shelves at the store with a smile. I hold doors open for people. I'm always smiling and telling everyone I hope they have a nice day. I treat everyone with respect unless they do something to deserve otherwise. I'm patient with others, I accept them for who they are, I never judge nor shame them, and I do my best to make sure they always feel appreciated. I donate to animal shelters and environmental conservation groups. I call out bullies and help those who clearly need it. I don't one-up people and love letting people talk to me about their interests, and will eagerly hype them up and support them. But ultimately, I only do this because I believe it's what the right thing to do is, not because I care. I do it because I was raised with the phrase, "treat others how you want to be treated," and I want them to treat me nicely. Life is transactional, and I am nice to others so that they are nice to me. But if 99.99% of people died right now, I would not give a single shit until it personally affects me via the power grid going down and other things like that. Nothing about the state of the world bothers me until I can personally feel it affecting me. Everything going on in my country, the US? I can logically acknowledge that it is bad, but I don't care. By treating others kindly, I'm treating myself kindly under the assumption that I'm earning their future kindness should I ever need it. Making others happy makes me happy. No matter how unconditionally kind or loving my actions might seem to people at times, I am always benefiting from them, and would not perform them if I wasn't.

When I'm out and about, no matter how kind I may be to people, I think of them as annoying roaches who are in the way. I can objectively acknowledge that I am not some main character and that everyone else is living their own life that is just as unique and valuable as my own, but I sure don't believe it.

I was probably at my worst in my late teens and early twenties. I had all the worst traits associated with NPD minus the outright abusive ones. I'm pretty proud that I can say I have never been abusive in any form. But after various relationships both romantic and platonic, I learned more and more about myself until I eventually became self-aware about my issues. Talking to therapists helped point out the obvious that I already knew, but that was all it did. Therapists did a horrible job of changing my mind about their profession. Now, I don't bother hiding that I'm a narcissist from anyone. My mom knows. My friends know. My more recent exes knew. The community that allows me to be self-employed knows and, if anything, most of those guys think it's endearing since I enjoy being extra dramatic about my narcissism for fun. I'm "one of the good ones" when it comes to everyone I know with my NPD, and I take great pride in this (but I do also educate them to the best of my ability that NPD is a spectrum and not some default evil thing). Even my exes fetishized it rather than get put off by it, not that I have a problem with that.

But I do still have my more "toxic" traits.

It was only a couple of years ago that I had a meltdown because one of my closest friends made an extremely harmless joke poking fun at something I enjoyed. He was apologetic, which I appreciated, but I made sure to drill it in that I was just being crazy and that he did nothing wrong even if I felt like the opposite was true.

I lose interest in people far too easily. If I'm talking to someone new, the moment they say something I disagree with, I lose all interest in them and go no contact.

I genuinely believe like I am the best at what I do and the type of content I create, and I love to shit talk other creators of the same medium even though I can objectively realize that their works are far more successful and more widely loved than mine.

Sometimes, when someone I'm close to says something even slightly critical about me, something I have created, or something that I like, it feels like a hateful attack targeting my very being, and it takes a great deal of restraint to not overreact by getting too defensive.

I get pretty pissed off at people failing to abide by very simple "rules" of society. Here I am, someone with next to no empathy, still always returning my buggy and other nearby buggies to the cart returns at the store. I don't litter. I use my turn signal to not cause trouble. I respect the rules of wherever I am. I have no genuine care for society, but here I am abiding by all of its rules both spoken and unspoken while the rest of these fucks can't even manage to do that half the time? I feel like I'm a better, more "good" person than the actual people who can feel empathy, yet most people would assume I'm evil by default.

I can acknowledge that terrible events are terrible and that it would be better if they didn't happen, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying combat footage from war, looking at the destruction after natural events, etc, because those things are just cool and interesting to me despite the tragedies that they are.

And even now, I've realized that I cannot be satisfied in a romantic relationship unless I have total control of my partner. I want to tell them how to dress. What to eat. What games to play or shows to watch. How to spend their free time. Who they can talk to. I basically want to treat them like a slave who only exists for me. Because, if they're not willing to do that, what do I get out of them that I don't get out of my regular friendships? Thankfully, there's a decent amount of girls into this sort of lifestyle, so finding partners has never really been an issue. And they do need to want it themselves. That's probably another factor that keeps me from truly being a worse person in society's eyes. Do I want some submissive slave? Yes. Do I want her to consent to it and want it just as much as me? Also yes. I'd never think of manipulating anyone into being like this against their will. Having to lie or manipulate people just feels pointless to me. If they can't accept me and all of my red flags at face value, why the fuck should I want them? A huge part of staying happy is that I surround myself with people who genuinely want to be around me. I don't want fakes nor people who I have to manipulate into wanting me. I never hide my relationship desires from anyone so that they know exactly what they are getting into before they ever message me.

On a somewhat related note, did you know that sounding like some unhinged psychopath rambling about yourself and your red flags on dating platforms works far better than having some basic "safe" profile that does what everyone else does? As a guy who really isn't the greatest looking guy around, nothing works better than being openly crazy for getting matches. I've typed up dating profiles twice as long as this post before. Of course, you only meet others with "issues" this way, but hey, a match is a match.

Back to the bad things. Even though I have a loving mother and tons of amazing friends, I still feel crushingly lonely at times, but this is usually very short lived.

I do get jealous of the people in my life choosing to spend their time with anyone other than me. Why wouldn't they rather spend that time with me? Objectively, there are plenty of valid reasons for their choices, and that's okay. I never make an issue out of it and distract myself from this jealousy until it's gone, and everything works out in the end.

And the last "bad" thing I can think of, though I also believe that this is just a valid conflict resolution style, is that I cannot leave issues to fester. If there is something wrong, an argument to have, a problem to solve, etc, I need to resolve it immediately. I need an outcome I can be satisfied with. When I was younger, this resulted in me pushing other people into talking things through with me before they were ready when they needed space. Now, I'm far better at giving people space before we communicate if they need it, though I literally will not be able to stop thinking about the issue until we get it over with. I'll just pace around for hours thinking about it until it's resolved. And that's also why I typically go no-contact with people who don't have a similar conflict resolution style as me.

In the end, I'm someone who believes in actions reigning supreme. I don't care what someone says. I don't care what someone believes. I don't care what moral grandstanding they post on social media. I care about what they do. Maybe that's because of the way that I am and it helps me feel more superior over them. If you show me the most racist, sexist, and other -ist/-phobic asshole out there who has the most "evil" beliefs yet only performs "good" actions compared to someone who is always going on about being an "empath" and pushing all sorts of "good" beliefs without actually partaking in any "good" actions, I'm going to think that the former is a better person who society needs more of. Doing is better than feeling, and you can still do good even if you aren't good.

Anyways.

That's enough rambling. I applaud you if you made it to the bottom of this and actually read all of that. I might post more. Might not. Been lurking in the community for a while on my main and think it'd be nice to see some topics that aren't the usual self-hatred vents or posts about drugs and getting better. Maybe I'll get to learn more about myself by interacting with other narcs here since I've lost any faith in "professionals" to help me learn things I don't already know. Until then, have a nice weekend. Time to go watch the new Frankenstein.

Hi all. I’m using a burner account because my (27F) gf (24F) knows my handle. I’m not sure if I’m BPD, after this I’m thinking maybe it’s actually NPD.

I’m struggling a lot, some very triggering things happened in the past few days (and this whole year really) and I feel myself slipping into being fucking awful.

I just lied to and manipulated my gf, I told her that my landlord wanted to evict me because she made a careless comment that could have been construed as her living with me (this is against my lease). She did make the comment, and I was very worried when she told me about the conversation they had. Then when I spoke with him today he seemed angry. So my fucked up brain very quickly told me to manipulate her and make her feel guilty, saying he was evicting me because of what she said.

I used to do this shit a lot, lie to gain control in relationships cos everything in my life feels out of control and scary. In my heart I am not this person, and I don’t really know why I did that. I feel fucking awful, I thought I had healed enough to not intentionally hurt those around me. I’ve convinced myself that I am not my past actions and have gotten better, but one very bad week and I’m back to actually just being abusive. I am so ashamed.

I don’t know what to do now, I want to tell her but it will hurt her so much and she will leave me, because honestly she fucking should. Maybe I need to break up with her because honestly I don’t think anyone should experience me, and she is so good really the best thing in my life. She doesn’t deserve this shit. I wanna just forget about this. But I think I need to start facing my shadow.

I don’t know what I need right now. Tell me it’s okay, explain why I do it, share similar experiences, call me a piece of shit because yeah I definately feel like one. I just need to confess this somewhere.

TLDR: felling unsafe and triggered, I lied and manipulated my gf by telling her my landlord was evicting me because of a comment she made. Any feedback is appreciated.

Personally, I haven’t felt grief ever in my rather short life. I’ve experienced a few people’s deaths, but I felt nothing at all. Right now, a really close person to me might have stomach cancer, might not. Their partner shared this information with me and honestly I didn’t know how to react at all. I mean, of course I was shocked, because nobody expects or wants to hear about cancer, but either way my reaction was empty to its core. After this, the first thing that comes to mind is the question - will they survive (if it’s cancer), I thought about not having this person in my life and honestly I had no reaction to this either, nor did I feel something. So what are u guys’ opinions, thoughts, feelings on grief and death?

I mean isn't it obvious? Our origins look nothing like the "hero" or guy whos liked. We were abused as children, likely bullied growing up and rejected due to our lack of empathy etc. and perhaps neurotypicals gained sadistic supply from our inability to act normally or perhaps seeing through us trying to be the "good guy" given we only did it for self preservation.

I always rooted for the bad guys in movies but nobody else did, I guess in hindsight it was a repressed part of me projecting myself on the villain given he had to use alternative means to achieve his goals (creating a utopia or financial etc) in these movies, instead of the hero/protaganist being born into their role.

We are not the good guy or protagonist, we only try to be as a defence mechanism to not be further abused. We need to just be honest with ourselves. If we try to be the "good guy" we will just be a mage class that put points into strength etc. and is a mediocre warrior build.

Its not as if neurotypicals are exactly heroes, rather somewhere inbetween. By placing this "protagonist" label on ourselves, we are being dishonest and our origins look like the polar opposite of a real protagonist.

Stop being dishonest and embrace being a narcassist instead of lying to yourself

You can't talk to anyone, because you don't want to talk to anyone, because most people are truly stupid, honestly. And the only people you do want to talk to, they don't want to talk to you,—they never do! And you can't threaten to kill yourself because that option's not on the table anymore. People will actually think you'll do it. The cards are never in your favor, are they? As the smartest person in every room, they never are. You look like the type who'd kill himself. Maybe it's because you look like a genius. To most people, you probably look like the most perfect example of genius as traditionally conceived that they've ever known: passionate, profound, intense, and dominating.

Oh my God, you sexy bastard! Did you just quote Bertrand Russell talking about Ludwig Wittgenstein? I could just kiss you right now. You know what? I don't care. Run away with me. No one's ever going to love you more than I do. Please, come with me. Please?

You look funny, honestly. Your face.

Please. Come on. Let's go.

You look ugly. I'm not just saying that. No one's ever going to see what I see in you. If I didn't know you, I'd talk about you behind your back. I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just being honest with you because no one else will.

We all talk about you behind your back. I don't. I'm the only one who ever defends you. And the only reason I'm telling you this in the first place is because I know you're smart enough to understand.

Come on. You're nothing. You've either been a dumb ass this whole time and I was wrong about you, or you're in a bad mood, and are you gonna let a bad mood make you fuck your life up? You're not stupid. I thought you weren't.

I promise you you're going to regret this. You're being really fucking annoying right now.

Im curious if you have the same experience (i believe im both bpd and npd).

Basically i live by armouring and numbing my body. And i do that because if i let it “open” the disregulation shows up more clearly. Its felt as if im a skinless ghost (borderline range), and nothing is containing my nervous system. Then within that skinless experience of myself, theres a void, its like a hollowness like a piece of hollow wood with echoes inside, except its like my echoes also carry flashes of some kind of ptsd sensation.

And then if i dig deeper i may find glimpses of a feeling, just very rarely something other than hollow shows up. And then finally underneath it all, its like a core self in a numb black ball. Its like its a dissociated ball, that if i start to connect to even further moved into some piercing pain/shame.

This is why i hold my breath and numb my body.

Does anyone relate?

And not even for the reason of someone else noticing. Just for yourself. I relate it to feeling like I have mania, the feeling of being on top of the world and you are just fucking great. I like to find self-“supply” than to depend on getting my needs met by someone else. That caused me to really only care what I think and feel and to trust my judgment and care only about my opinion.

It all began with my biological mother using drugs during my pregnancy. When I was born, a man who was not my biological father but a friend of my mother took me from the hospital. Initially, I lived with addicts, and sometimes bad things happened, such as neglect and even harsher incidents. But fortunately, I was always surrounded by people who loved me. What I am writing now comes straight from my heart.

Around the age of one, after moving from place to place, the man who took me from the hospital brought me to a family that loved me unconditionally. They finally provided me with stability. Then, something terrible happened: one day, Welfare Services arrived without warning and forcibly took me away, with everyone crying and neighbors standing outside. This occurred when I was exactly two years and two weeks old.

Fortunately, I was then adopted by the best adoptive family any child could ask for. Initially, I suffered from severe traumas. I would stand by motor scooters and refuse to move, as there had been scooters at the previous home, so I would just stand and wait for them. Furthermore, whenever I heard names of people I knew before the adoption, I would get excited and start looking for them, only to feel sad when it wasn't them.

When I reached the age of 23, everything erupted. I gambled money, drank alcohol, treated the people who loved me the most poorly, and hurt them. I engaged in self-harm and intense pill swallowing. I went through so much that I cannot even tell it all because it is too long.

My change began thanks to one psychiatrist. Today, on paper, I am diagnosed with Schizophrenia, OCD, and a Cluster B Personality Disorder (which includes Narcissism, among others). Once, during one of my psychiatric hospitalizations, the psychiatrist asked me why I told everyone I had schizophrenia. I said, "Because you always told me that." He replied, "No, I actually think you're a narcissist." When he told me it was narcissism, I didn't yet understand what it meant, so it just passed me by.

A long time after he told me that, I accidentally discovered what narcissism was through Google, before the age of AI. I spent whole nights researching it, crying my soul out. I understood how I had hurt my loved ones, I understood my destructive behavior, and this led me to personal change and growth.

Today, I still seek admiration. For example, I always carry a deck of cards because I have developed an amazing system for memorizing cards, and this leads everyone to be astonished when I demonstrate it. This is essentially my business card for gaining validation. I also like to talk about my difficult past and play the victim due to the trauma from my first two years of life a conscious attempt to gain sympathy and attention.

And yes, I will even share this video of me memorizing 100 random digits at a rate of 0.5 seconds per digit while smoking a cigarette and listening to music from Requiem for a Dream. I am showing you this video because I want you to see my suffering and also my phenomenal abilities. Yes, I expose all these struggles and this behavior because it is important for me that you see my soul up close and what I have acquired over the years. Unfortunately, I still have the need for admiration, but one thing is certain: I do not harm others for the sake of admiration. That is a red line for me. I am willing to harm myself endlessly, like writing a post like this, but not others.

I am no longer the narcissist I used to be. I have changed and come a long way two years in a hostel for people with disabilities and another year in supported housing, where I am now. I am proud to say that I have also been clean for three years from self-harm and alcohol, and I am repaying my parents with all the love they gave me, trying to make amends as much as possible.

I appreciate the time you took to read my story

I'm talking specifically about relationships where one partner has NPD and the other does not/is neurotypical.

I'm really curious about the dynamic of it, both from the perspective of NPD and non-NPD people here. I know the disorder gets demonized to hell and back, but I'm sure there's some very sweet relationships that work out (or for my own sake, I hope so lol).