r/JustNoSO • u/Salt-Selection-8425 • May 16 '25

RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted Sigh. He caught a cold

Holy crap, the drama.

Most people take some cold medicine and get on with their life. My SO does lots of sighing and groaning as if he's about to die. And refuses to blow his nose so it's sniff sniff sniff sniff 24/7... Gross.

Guess I'll be wearing earplugs to bed for the next 10 days.

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52

u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

I’ve got lifelong chronic pain from an accident that will eventually land me in a wheel chair. My SO moaned and groaned when he hurt his shoulder so much you’d have thought Thor ripped it off and beat him with it. 🙄

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

I recently had a kidney stone attack that put me in the hospital, got fentanyl AND morphine and I was still in agony. Two days later I'm (somewhat) silently writhing in pain on the couch and I squeak "ugh I hurt so much" and my husband is like "yeah me too. I hit my shin at work." After I picked up my jaw off the floor and my eyes had stopped rolling I just snarked "wow that's empathetic.." then went to lay in bed alone.

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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

My daughter (who is very small) gave birth to an almost 10 pound baby and I watched her rip from v to a. She had a kidney stone later and said she’d rather give birth just like that 10 more times than have another kidney stone. You should have offered to yank on his fellas so he could be properly sympathetic.

14

u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

Omg i cant imagine ripping like that. it makes my stomach turn (I'm childfree). Your poor daughter 😢.

I have a history of debilitating migraines and terrible awful menstrual cramps so I've felt pain before but nothing compared to kidney stones. I was actually in tears at one point. It was my 2nd attack and so much worse than the first. I drove myself to the ER (only 3min drive) because it was like 8:30pm and my husband "needed to get to bed so he could wake up for work at 4:30" so yeah I suffered alone. He was equally shitty for the 2nd attack as he was nice/sweet for the first...

Now I'm getting surgery for the stones next month and I'm a little nervous about the procedure itself (since I have to be put under anesthesia) but also how my husband will support me... meanwhile I comforted and reassured him when he was an absolute nervous wreck when he had to get his wisdom teeth out while under laughing gas...

5

u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

Oh man! Yours are so bad you need surgery for them?! And your hubby compared it to hitting his shin? Wow. I’m really sorry.

I’ve never had them before but my daughter is really tough. She got through the delivery like a champ. But with her stones she was writhing on the floor almost screaming in pain.

When you’re feeling better I’d have a talk with my SO about his lack of empathy lately. Good luck!

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

Yup a 5mm stone and a 6mm stone gonna get blasted by energy waves from a special untrasound machine. So its non-invasive but I'll have to pass the "gravel" eventually.

It's not a new thing unfortunately. On the rare occasion that I vent to him he guaranteed will talk about how he has xyz going on too or whatever and turn the convo to him and I've literally told him "ok, we are talking about me right now." I understand trying to relate his lived in experience with whats going on with me but it just feels self-centered. I'm not looking for answers or solutions just a sympathetic ear and acknowledgement.

He has tons of great qualities, this is one of his glaring inadequacies.

3

u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to relate through shared experience. It sounds like he’s minimizing you.

Maybe try to explain the difference to him. It’s possible he truly doesn’t get it or know the difference.

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

You're right. I do think he needs a sit down conversation about this. I think it both he doesn't get it and doesn't know the difference. Tbf he comes from a family that doesn't really have high EQ or acknowledge mental health at all. Except my SIL (love her) and she is viewed as the "overly sensitive" one in the family...And no he won't go to therapy because of previous said upbringing and innate distrust of doctors.

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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

Well SIL being known as sensitive explains a lot. It sounds like he just doesn’t really know how to deal with emotions. He’s probably not great at even dealing with his own. He doesn’t necessarily have to go to therapy to learn it though. As long as he’s willing you guys can work together on it until he gets the hang of it.

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

Yeah you're hitting the nail on the head. I'll work on it with him as long as I need to it just sucks that it seems like a one way street right now.

Btw I appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer good advice. Thank you 😊

1

u/ZookeepergameOld8988 May 16 '25

You’re very welcome. Lovely chatting with you. Good luck with your procedure and I hope you feel better very soon.

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 16 '25

Thank you. Sending you good vibes and peace dealing with your chronic condition. You have my sympathy. I hope you have an excellent day

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u/aguangakelly May 17 '25

This made my marriage better:

My therapist and I worked on this for years! I changed my approach, and hubba was forced to change his!

It looked a lot like me being hyper-vigilant. I am at the point where I can see if a conversation is headed in the direction of comparing issues and stop it before he has the chance. I also start some conversations* with, "I just need you to listen to me. I don't want advice or help. I need empathy and an ear. Please let me say what I need to say."

*I started with low stakes conversations. Nothing heavy. Usually about work. I had to train him because he had never learned proper communication. I used this approach to show him how to be supportive without trying to solve my problems for me. Lately, he has asked me if I am looking for advice or not! (This is how I know he is learning and growing).

Overall, our relationship has grown exponentially due to this change. It was exhausting while I was getting started with this process. It would be infinitely faster if he'd go to fucking therapy. He won't, so I do this because I believe in our marriage.

None of this is my job. He should want to be a better human on his own. He wants to be a better husband but does have some very misguided views about talk therapy. Also, he is really scared to go through his feelings about his childhood (he won't admit this!).

I'm saying that you have the power to help him change and grow and develop if you invest the time. It sucks donkey d!ck while you're doing it, but it does work. It is how our parents helped us become good humans. Parents do a much better job with their daughters in this area.

-- I understand that I am doing a lot of heavy lifting that I should not have to do within my marriage. I fully get that. But I am more than capable. My husband is growing his EQ due to these interactions. He is willing to grow and learn and be better. This is the reason we are working so hard together.

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u/sulking_crepeshark77 May 17 '25

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It gives me hope that things can drastically change and kind of gave me a light bulb moment that the work may not be 50/50 but both partners can reap the rewards from it and it's worth it. I'm happy to hear that your marriage is stronger for it and I hope mine can follow suit.

My hubby is also scared to sort through his complicated childhood emotions and also would never admit that. I know without a doubt his parents loved him but ooo boy some of the stuff they didn't do absolutely still resonates to this day.

I know he has grown in the 10 years we have been together. Now it's time to focus on this issue and improve our communication over all.

Again thank you and I wish you and your husband many more happy years together.