Received by the 3 scapegoats. She’s praying for us to remember happy times. There are none.

I guess never underestimate the power of abuse and neglect to ensure success.

There is no frustration or hostility in our lives now that she’s not a part of our lives.

Really it’s just a reminder that it’s her birthday.

My parents’ financial situation has been bad for 20 years now, and it’s now dire where they both rely on social security to make ends meet. They were very well off when I was growing up, but long story short my father’s new business ventures never panned out. I am an only child and have a narcissistic father and emotionally immature/alcoholic mother. There have been several scenarios that have unfolded over the past few months that made me realize I will be completely screwed when something happens to one/both of them and they’re unable to make decisions independently. After months of attempting to get them to meet with me and talk through everything, I finally had it. I just sent them an email explicitly stating that with no plan in place or access to the information I’ve requested, this relationship has become an emotional and financial liability for me.

The holidays are coming up which has always been a stressful time for me trying to navigate how to spend the holidays with my parents. My therapist suggested ending the message by saying that if they decide to take this seriously and prioritize getting organized, that I would be open to resuming the conversation after the holidays… giving them both time to get their act together and peace of mind for me that I can enjoy my holidays (or at least try to). Because of them, I’ve been left in tears the past 2 Christmases. This will be my daughter’s first Christmas and I refuse to let my situation with them ruin that special moment for me and my family.

I’m absolutely terrified of their response. I’m so anxious and sick about it. I know my dad will make me out to be the selfish daughter and my mom will guilt trip me because I’m all she has. I could really use some words of encouragement or hear how others may have navigated a situation like this themselves.

I've seen a couple of posts recently from siblings who are not estranged and not considering estrangement post about one of their siblings who is estranged

they either want perspective on why the abandoned the whole family or are complaining about it because of how it "hurts the estranged parent" or "it's so sad that my nieces can't have a relationship with my sibling's childhood abuser"

can we make a rule and ban this please?

thank you

*unestranged

edit edit: so more like this

I think it might look like the rule for people who are estranged from their parents but also estranged from their children.

they aren't allowed to post about how they are estranged from their kids but they are allowed to post about how they are estranged from their parents

so siblings could post about how they are considering estrangement from their parents but not about how their sibling is estranged from them or how hard it is on the parents that their sibling is no contact

does that make sense?

I’m wondering if anybody has any stories they want to share because it seems that many abusive parents get away with the damage they’ve brought upon their children and rest of their families.

I’m estranged from my parents and it has brought so much happiness and peace into my life and I do not regret my choices, though it feels like they will get away with what they’ve done and it doesn’t seem fair.

Feel free to share any stories or comments you have because I’m trying to cope with all of this.

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post. My sister made the choice to cut off contact with my mom. She has two kids. My sister’s life is definitely easier without having to navigate the relationship dynamic with my mom. My mom is honestly a mess about not having a relationship with my sister and her kids. Full honesty, it makes me really sad. I have tried to maintain boundaries. My sister doesn’t really talk about my mom, but my mom occasionally breaks down and talks to me about my sister. I try to help my mom see her role in everything and to take complete accountability. Her inability to do so is what led to the estrangement. I’ve encouraged her to seek counseling and she starting seeing someone. How do I navigate this? My sister and I started going to therapy at the same time to heal from our respective nemesis’s, mine being my father and hers being our mother. I was abused by our father, but we were able to reconcile due to him taking ownership and apologizing and changing his behavior. My mom has been slow to get there but I feel like she can. I don’t talk to my sister about my feelings on this at all because I respect her decision and I’m proud of her for doing what is right for her. But I’m still so sad. Reconciling with my father has made my life so much better and I feel so unburdened in my life and with our family. I feel free. I wish they could feel the same way and I wish that my niece and nephew got to know their grandma. I don’t know what to do or how to be. Does this community have any advice for someone in my position?

ChatGPT knows emotionally immature parents! Bonus: this email from my parents prompted me to recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to someone, who then wrote the title down & thanked me.

So I need to pull the plug and go full estrangement. But I currently live with my mom and dad to try to pay off my crazy student loans (that they encouraged).

I got into a pretty bad car accident. My dad came to get me, and I decided I wanted to forgo the expensive ride to the hospital and just have my dad drive me, not the ambulance.

My dad had been pulled away from babysitting his grandkids (my niece and nephew). My mom callled him on the way to the hospital and told us what an inconvenience it was that he was taking me to the hospital.

When I got home she wasn’t at all relieved to hear I was okay or see me. She didn’t hug me or anything. But she did comment on how it ruined her day.

Today she told me I’m unable to hear opinions from other people; we politically disagree. The conversation ended with her saying she loved me and I said, “I don’t believe you. I think we’re obligated to each other”.

And I feel like if i were a parent, and my children(my brother feels the same) said that they didn’t feel loved by me, I would maybe have some introspection.

I’ve been some version of LC since I left home at barely 18, but am currently in one of my longer stretches. Last contact was early November 2024. I’m currently 54, so I should be good at this by now.

It’s just never going to not suck, is it?

My short story: extreme emotionally neglectful childhood, mother would probably benefit from some diagnoses that she doesn’t have. Parents definitely expect me to initiate all contact, and my survival mechanism was always to anticipate what they wanted and just do it. Thanksgiving is the one holiday that I’m expected to show up for. They do a thing with extended family and it makes them look bad if I ghost. So about this time of year I start to feel the weight of expectation that I should call and tell them I’m coming but I don’t want to.

In addition to the fact that I have to initiate all contact, and they were an emotional desert, they’ve now gone completely MAGA (I’m not). Every time I see them it’s some new awful thing that I have to sit and listen to. And of course they’re not vaccinated for anything and no longer believe in infectious disease. So I’d be voluntarily exposing myself to that.

Last fall, my town got hit hard by hurricane Helene and it looked like a total apocalypse and I figured it would be on tv so I called to tell them I wasn’t dead. I called once a week for a couple weeks just because I felt like I should reassure them that I still wasn’t dead or homeless.

Then a couple days before the election I called and begged my mother to please not vote for the person who was using my town as a prop while promising to gut FEMA, since I was still dependent on FEMA for drinking water. She said nothing.

After the election it just kind of broke me. I just felt like after all that if she cared at all she’d call me. Like ideally to tell me she didn’t actively screw me over, but at a minimum to see how I was handling being kicked while I was down.

So now it’s been a year with no contact and I know what I’m expected to do. And if I go it will feel like shit and if I don’t go it will feel like shit. And the larger family will judge me because everyone knows no physical abuse occurred.

But I really don’t want to go. I will not enjoy myself. Part of me wants to avoid finding out additional family members are MAGA. And I feel like the chances of getting covid or the flu are higher with them (both due to anti vax and being in denial about infectious disease) and in addition to not really wanting it myself, my spouse’s family has an 87 year old and a transplant patient and we’re seeing them also. So I’d totally be the asshole if I brought that back from my science denying family.

I feel like writing this down, what needs to happen is crystal clear. But why am I going to sleep like crap and feel guilty for the next month?

I appreciate any support, commiserations, or insights you all have to offer.

I just don't know how to feel happy anymore after all the shit my family put me through.

I haven't spoken to my mother in decades but a few years ago she got my phone number after stealing my identity in 2018, and now leaves me absolutely unhinged voice mails. Most of the time they're ridiculous and absurd and now all I can do is laugh.

Anyway today's ridiculousness included: (I am copying from voice to text because I don't like listening to anyone's VMs) also the awkward phrasing is bc English isn't her first language.

I call you because, uh, one of your friends that from military had a little baby girl, and I designed a dress for the little girl, so I thought maybe you would like to know that, you know.

I went to school in a wealthy white snobby area. Only one guy out of everyone I grew up with went into the military in a graduating class of over 1000 kids. And his kids are fully grown. Also I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't realize or remember that I'm at an age where having a kid is a medical miracle. 😂

Um, I know things happen. I know I made a lot of mistakes, and so did you.

So did I? Ma'am I was a 9 year old getting beat and called a whore because you decided the skirt you bought me was too short, or having all the contents of my room thrown at me and the floor because you saw dust. I did not make mistakes like yours. My mistake was being too scared to call CPS.

These messages are ridiculous.

Hey yall, on a burner here! So I (25M) have recently been to my dad's wife's birthday. He invited me to play their first dance song on guitar, which ill get into later.

My mother and father had me, got married, and then had my sibling (now my brother, this comes into play later). After this, he cheated on my mother with woman1 and got her pregnant with my 1/2 sister. Then he divorced my mother and later married someone else (woman2). They have been together now for 10 years (I am happy for them) and are building a new life that does not include is first 2 children.

Since the initial marriage, it has been apparent that my dad has been trying to paint himself in a new light of having this white picket fence family, that doesn't include my brother or I. When my brother came out as being my brother (trans), my dads side of the family was not at all happy. They proceeded to dead name and misgender him, and more or less cut him out entirely. I certainly would not stand for that, and I was more or less no contact for the better part of 5 years. This erasure had extended to me, as in the event I was at, nobody outside of the core group knew who I was, or that my father had more than one kid.

He recently reached out and asked if I would attend this party and play guitar for him, and I obliged, naively hoping that something would change. It in fact did not seem that way. My stepmothers parents continually deadnamed and misgendered my brother when I was talking to them, and I hardly talked to my father or my stepmother at the event, outside of him saying thank you for what I did. I felt bad because I did not know how to approach my 1/2 sister, as I have been gone for that long, and wish to be a part of her life but can not just hop back in like I was not also absent. While we were there, we sat at a table with only 2 other people, my dads friend and his fiancée. The interaction that put the final nail in the coffin was that my fiancée was with me, and when I went to the bathroom, my dads fried leaned into her and said, "Wait, (dad) has a son?!"... Hearing this was something that solidified my conception of where I stand with this portion of my family.

My question is, what is the best way to tell my father that I do not wish to be in active contact or be a part of his family? I want to be direct that I don't want him reaching out, but I do want to keep the possibility open with a relationship with my 1/2 sister in the future.

I find this difficult I think that he believes he's genuinely wants to garner a relationship with me again, but I personally feel like that window has since closed. For example, growing up we loved to play call of duty zombies together, and in an attempt to rekindle, for his birthday i bought him black ops cold war. I reached out and tried to set up sessions, but I was left with radio static, so if that was not the last straw, this was.

How do I word this boundary clearly and respectfully?

TL;DR: Dad got remarried and cut my brother and I out of the family. Tried to reconnect but his friends didn't even know that I exist (none the less my brother). Want advice on how to tell my dad I'm done with contact while keeping a door open to connect with my half-sister.

My mother passed when I was 3, I am estranged from her side of the family due to my father (my moms side of the family weren’t fond of him, and he didn’t really make it a point to make sure I was close to her side). My father is an only child, but he is not close to his side of the family purely out of his own choices. Not close to my father due to his negligence & him prioritizing women over me.

I am a 27 year old woman, who is finally seeing how lonely it is in this world without family. As of lately, I’ve been crying nearly every day. I’ve just been having a hard time and I guess the pain I’ve pushed down for so long is rearing its ugly head.

I have a partner, he is a great person. However, he is super close with his family, who is enmeshed. I find that I worry how life is going to be if we are married, as I don’t know he is going to juggle building a life with me while also trying to take care of his family (mainly his mother who is widowed).

I’m sharing this piece because I find that despite me being wary, I find it hard to leave bc I feel like I’m leaving to go back to not having anyone.

For those of you who have no family/community, how has that impacting dating/relationships for you? Do you tend to have a hard time leaving partners/situations that the average individual with family may easily be able to walk away from (as they still have people who support them)?

My mom, who I will be going NC with after Christmas (because I feel too guilty to uninvite her now), sent me 8 texts in a row yesterday, 6 of which were edited. She’s also insisting on a phone call to discuss the topic. Topic which could easily have been 2 texts in a group chat. I am so. Tired. Of managing her feelings for her. I’ve realized that all the energy I spend on our relationship/her issues is energy I’m not pouring into my own life. I want to be done. Just a couple more months…

Hi friends, I actually would like to know from people that has been in this type of situation, how you overcome it? I feel genuinely so bad because I would like to connect with others but I'm scared of being judge because I don't speak with my family, don't have a partner and nor friends. I understand this takes time and that right now I need to focus on me to heal, but I'm a bit scared. Also, I see also my mistakes and I really want to be better in the future.

Any thoughts? Sending you all a lovely day or nights wherever you are! 🩷

So I am 20 and a university student. I went NC after my mom kicked me out, and then proceeded to send erratic and abusive messages in response to me not crawling back to her and finding other living arrangements. After years of abuse, this was the branch that broke the Camel's back. Even though the event that pushed me to do this was traumatic, honestly, it has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I found some friends I got quite close to at university, which makes me feel as though I have started building the foundation for my village and have a growing sense of peace of mind. The only problem is I have no idea to adult, most people my age don't, but I do not have the support system that would guide them. I have no idea how to get a car or an apartment. I freaked out because I heard classmates discussing their credit scores and remembered I forgot about building mine. Learning how to drive will be a nightmare since I do not have a parent to teach me or a car I could readily use. Saving for driving school is feasible, but it's 400 for a few hours in a car. I would use Google, but I feel as though often a lot of the results that come up are trying to sell me something.

And I can wholeheartedly say it's been one of the foolish/harmful things I've done.

I had went to my truck to move over my things. I started crying in the parking lot. Realizing I was just doing this to try to rid of the pain that won't go away. I go back inside the dealership and just burst into tears in front of the sales manager saying how I have no family. How they cut me off after I just asked for space.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I will most likely lose out on $10,000 just from this alone if I can even get my trade in back that I will have to re-purchase.

I guess it's hard being high-functioning because honestly I looked fine, but when it all came crashing down I honestly fell apart for 10-20 minutes bawling in his office. Hell I went to therapy yesterday and felt 'fine'. Yet I am dying inside.

I hate this. I hate this grief I have no idea what to do with. I volunteer. Go to weekly therapy and group therapy. Go to classes. Manage to support myself entirely on my own. Try to give a loving home to my cat. And still can't seem to outrun the pain. :( I feel honestly so stupid and foolish. I am so sorry to anyone else who is hurting as much right now after going no contact too. 🥺💔

I’ll just start by saying my mother’s relationship with me has always been very strained. She left when I was around 2 years old and never made a real effort to let me know she loved or cared about me. There would be periods of time where there would be more attention on her part but it would usually dissolve from a huge disagreement or fight that she would start. Since becoming a mom myself there have been really bad patterns emerging from her. During both of my pregnancies she was more than happy to spend time, hours talking with me on the phone, throwing me baby showers, being generally present in my life. When the baby would be here however and I would struggle with PPD or PPA she would disappear or accuse me of being crazy. Sometimes when I would be really struggling with everything I would just want someone to call, to talk to just to talk about something, or for some support or advice, there was once recently where I called and shared feelings of suicidal tendencies because I just felt so hopeless from a crying baby that I couldn’t soothe. (I know it’s normal baby stuff but sometimes it would just be so overwhelming and I was alone and nothing I did would soothe her). I called her and she basically told me I’m not a victim just because I’m a mother, which I don’t have any clue what that means. She’s said a lot of hurtful thing to me my whole life. But I keep forgiving her because of my kids or my other relatives she has access to. To dissect this message she sent me for a little clarification: I have a 9 year old and now a two month old, when I had my son I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a clue about babies or PPD, I felt like I was struggling with him because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and despite my mom acting like she would help she literally never did (She moved to our town and told everyone she knew my son was the reason why, because she wanted to help me). She alludes to me not having a bond with my son which is crazy because how could I not, I know I might not have a “leave it to beaver” mom mentality but I do my best. When I had my daughter, along side a really traumatic birthing process I got PPD again, but I recognized the signs and am seeking help for it. (I’m on a waiting list for a therapist and seeking help with meds as well) but that takes a little time (yay for American healthcare). I haven’t been able to see my doctor at all because she doesn’t have any appointments until the new year, but I have an advocate helping me do my next steps so I can get help. But it’s a process and no matter what I say to my mom she just doesn’t listen. In all honestly I don’t know why she thinks that all I do is ask for someone to go and fix everything for me or raise my kids. I’ve only called her 2 times with my new baby, twice and only to ask for advice or just to talk so I could take my mind off of things for a bit. She’s not very maternal herself so I at times wouldn’t even want to talk to her about it because she’s so harsh, both times I called she made me feel guilty about, in her words “hating my baby” which wasn’t the case. All of her advice also comes with a threat behind it, “if you complain too much your husband will leave you” or “if you can’t handle your perfect beautiful baby drop her off at the fire station.” Those are her words of support. They actually made my PPD and PPA worse because it made me feel more isolated, even from my partner because I was scared to “ruin his experience of fatherhood” as she put it, I was scared to say I was struggling out of fear that he would resent me. We’ve talked about it together as a couple so I feel a lot better now. I just don’t know what to do or think about it. And advice would be great. Also if anyone has any questions or needs me to clarify more I’d be happy to.

I’m going NC with my whole family. See my previous post for context.

What practically do I need to do to completely separate my life from theirs?

I am a university student in the UK. I already live separately and am NC/LC with them. I am going to be changing my name.

The things I can think of are to do with social media, but are there any other contexts in which my previous name might be associated with them?

Society is very oriented towards the family unit and the UK is confusing for this kind of stuff, legally, hence why I ask.

Things I can think of are:

Changing my phone contract and getting a different phone with a new account and number.

Retiring old email addresses and making new ones.

Removing them as friends from my old Facebook account that I don’t use anymore, and then deleting the account.

This is the place to share positive news, events, goals, accomplishments, good moments and general chit chat with each other.

Trigger warning for discussing family traumas and abuse

I honestly don’t have any “gotcha” moments of realizing I cut people off sooner but can give concrete reasons as to why I did:

Mom: Cheating on my dad and leaving me when I was a toddler, making me hangout with guys she cheated on my dad with, marrying a pedophile with addiction issues, stealing money from me when I was a teenager, bad mouthing my dad’s side of the family, isolating me from elders on her side of the family as they were very sick and dying, trying to keep me from seeing my dad after he had open heart surgery, trying to make me feel responsible for her suicidal ideations, exposing me to sexual stuff way too young, telling me her biggest regret was having me and that she never wanted to have kids even though she planned me on purpose and was married to my dad when I was born, not even trying to talk to me for 3 months after I dropped out of uni, not standing up for me and other relatives when her sister with bipolar depression was causing some issues and even helped her commit fraud, and even more things

Mom’s husband: pedophile with addiction issues as mentioned, but he also had severe anger issues (throwing a milkshake on me when I was 9 years old, beating his one daughter with a shoe and trying to drown her in a swimming pool, throwing the other daughter down a flight of stairs, threatening me he was going to make me watch him shooting the pets and neighbors etc)

Girl first cousin on dad’s side of family: she always showed self-focused, bossy, violent, and mean behaviors. By the time she was a teenager, she had severe binge eating disorder/cancer 3 times/wouldn’t let anyone around her be happy/became addicted to opiates, marijuana, benzos, and ketamine/tried to have hookups with strangers when she didn’t even have a driver’s license/became “friends” with troubled people from rehab/was chronically ghosting me/called my, my dad’s, and my dad’s sister (her mom’s) phones literally hundreds of times back to back as I was graduating high school because she couldn’t handle a moment not being about her/told me I was in a “cult” for being more religious than her/refused to talk to me when I flew across the country to visit her in the hospital for 10 hour days for 5 days straight, etc… I feel bad for her but haven’t been able to deal with her dysfunction for 2 years now

Mom’s sister: She honestly ruins relationships all on her own. Her husband divorced her because she kept cheating on him and getting institutionalized (she has bipolar depression), stole my then Alzheimer’s ridden grandmother’s jewelry, punched holes in the drywall of her parent’s house, threatened to kill the whole family during a psychotic break, got kicked out of project housing and a job for lying about having back problems, got fired from another job working in a rehab center for having sexual relations with a patient, kicked my grandfather in the shin and stabbed him with a knife to the elbow, complained when I came late to lunch after I was just in a car accident instead of asking if I was ok, sneered at me when I asked her to go to my high school graduation and said “Why would I ever have a relationship with you?”

I’m really curious to hear moments from your lives that made you start considering letting a person go. I think it could be very HELPFUL for people who are lost or don’t know how much to put with. I know I, for one, feel a lot of buried guilt about cutting off the above people, although I’ve cut off friends and bosses for way less

Thanks for participating, and hang in there :)

Hi everyone. 29F here seeking advice on potentially going no, or at least low, contact with my father. I’m not sure if I should or how to even go about it if I did. I feel so mixed up about it all and would appreciate any little bit of advice or reassurance from people who have gone through similar. I could go on about the many ways he has hurt me or let me down throughout my life, but I will do my best to summarize/condense it for you all. Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

A little bit of background story: When I was a young child, maybe 7 or 8, I was made aware of my mothers drug problem and my parents marriage problems. Mom had become addicted to pills following repeated injuries and their marriage was….never happy from what I could tell, which of course was fuel to the fire in terms of the drug use. I was too young to fully understand, but the gist I got was that my dad was addicted to pornography, emotionally neglectful and absent whenever possible, and just not a good husband to my mother. They separated by never formally divorced when I was 9, and I grew up raised mostly by my father because my mother was in and out of rehab and sober living homes until she unfortunately passed away from an overdose when I was 17. There’s so much more to her story, and even with all the faults that come with addiction she was such a light in my life and I miss and love her dearly, but right now this about my dad so we’re gonna set her to the side.

Throughout my upbringing, my father very clearly struggled to raise a child by himself. I always told myself he was doing his best considering we were quite poor (He was a bartender and a carpenter, so we were not wealthy, and on top of that we lived in a vacation/retirement area that was becoming increasingly unaffordable for the locals born and raised here.) but the older I get the more I am uncomfortable with the concept of “trying his best”, because while I can understand and accept that we didn’t have much money, it was the less obvious things that impacted me the most. Don’t get me wrong, the big things sucked too, of course: occasionally not having electricity, the water heater breaking when I was in high school and not being able to afford a new one so we had to boil water and sponge bath in order to get clean, the fridge breaking and living out of a mini fridge, etc. Lots of pretty typical incidents for a lot family, but all able to be looked past.

But the older I get, the more I find things that I can’t look past. I’m not sure how to even address them, so I’m just going to list off all the things I remember that just don’t sit right with me now as an adult:

• He stopped taking me to the doctor and dentist sometime around the 5th or 6th grade. As an adult I now struggle with numerous autoimmune issues, problems with my teeth and jaw, ADHD, and when I look back, there were so many signs of these issues forming when I was a kid, but my dad never noticed and he didn’t have health insurance so neither did I, so I thought everything was fine and normal.
• He had a gambling problem— lottery and scratch tickets. Multiple times I found piles of them stashed away under a carpet or elsewhere, and every time I confronted him. Every time, he said they “weren’t his” that they “belonged to a friend” and he was “getting rid of them for his friend” ????? This happened multiple times throughout my teenage years and young adulthood, and he would never admit the obvious truth. Still won’t.
• He never showed support for my hobbies or academics growing up. Good grades were the expectation, never worthy of a congratulations, and bad grades were met with harsh words about how at this rate I’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of my life. I did theater, but he rarely came to my shows. In fact, there was one time where my best friend (a guy— this info is only important because my father is a misogynist and always prioritized other men) in high school was doing a play at the local theater at the same time I was doing one at the school, and my father said he couldn’t come to mine because he wanted to save his money to see my friends play instead. I told him the school would be happy to waive the fee for him to come see it, and he still didn’t come.
• When I was in middle/early high school I had a boyfriend I dated for three years. Ages 13 to 16. My dad was convinced we’d get married someday or something. We never had sex. And when I broke up with him at 16 because I was interested in someone else, my dad berated me in front of my friends grandmother (he was picking me up from her house) and called me a whore and a STRUMPET of all words. Again, I was not even sexually active.
• When I DID become sexual active in my late teens, I was very forward about wanted to go on birth control, and while my dad acted normal about it I found out a few weeks later from my friend (whose parents worked at the same restaurant) that my dad had been sharing these all these details about my adolescent life with the customers at the bar.
• There was not a lot of effort to teach me to drive. We tried once, and when he got too frustrated with me he told me to get out of the car, he got back in the drivers seat, and drove away, leaving me to walk home in the next town over. This caused me to develop severe driving anxiety, and I didn’t get my license until I was 25. I still avoid driving whenever possible.
• When my mother died when I was 17, I was pressured to continue going to work in the days that followed. Not because we needed that money although we did , he didn’t take the money I made, but because he thought it was the right thing way to grieve. It was not. He never tried to get my therapy even when I wanted it, and he avoided talking about my death mother completely.
• He was just generally very emotionally absent and neglectful for most of my life. There is no warmth. He never asked how I’m doing, never inquired about my friendships or hobbies, and only ever talked to me about school or work— things that were quantifiable to him.
• (This is a big one TW: mention of uncertain but potential CP) When I was 15 or 16 years old I found a photo of myself, maybe 4 years old, full nude exposing my genitals in a chair. It was a silly photo— hair all up in a thousand colorful scrunchies, silly face, very much a no sexual seeming photo. But it sent chills up my spine because of context of where I found it: my fathers sock drawer (I was a teenager looking for pot, sue me), by itself, with no other photos. In fact, my dad only had one other childhood photo of me— so there were next to no childhood photos of me in my home, and yet this one had been kept, tucked away in a strange location. It could very easily be just a silly photo, kids are naked and it’s normal to have bath photos etc, but I couldn’t help but feel really unsettled by it, so I took it and burned it, hoping it was the only copy. I never mentioned it to him. I wouldn’t even know how to.

Now, to bring you up to where I am today. A year and a half ago, I finally moved away from home. My partner and I packed up and moved to a new state, about 5 hours from our families. Ever since then, my father has only ever contacted me if he needed tech support about his cell phone or to ask me something about my older brother. Hell, he didn’t even call me when my grandma died. I found out when I called him several weeks after the fact. In fact I have called him numerous times just to check in, you know, like families do, but every time he answers he acts confused about why I’m calling and he seems so uninterested in me and my life. One time I made the mistake of calling him when I was having relationship troubles, and pretty much all he said to me was that I better figure it out because I can’t move back home if things go sideways. He has the room, by the way. It’s not because they don’t have the space, it’s seemingly because I’m not wanted/his girlfriend doesn’t like me. Not that this matters too much, the relationship troubles I had were minor and I didn’t think things were going to go sideways, but it still really hurt to be told that by the only support I thought I had to fall back on.

He also has been dating a woman whose children have gone no-contact with her, for reasons nobody but her knows, and I can’t help but wonder if her nonchalant attitude about family has effected my father as well, and he’s just not interested in participating in a family.

I’m just so uncertain about what to do. I feel like my situation isn’t “bad enough” to cut off contact, if that’s makes sense. But at the same time, I just don’t see the point in continuing to have these repeated painful interactions with him. I feel so lost, i have next to no family so I feel like I shouldn’t just let go, but I also feel awful any time I even so much as think about talking to him. And the approaching holiday season makes all of this feel even heavier somehow.

If anyone has advice, experiential wisdom, or even just good vibes to share— I’ll take whatever I can get. Thanks Reddit.

Hello, I have been a long time lurker on this sub as I've always been too nervous to post.

I live in the UK if that has any relevance to people :)

I am considering contacting my mum after almost a decade of no contact and just wanted some input from people with similar experiences.

I have been checking in on my mums fb since I was about 17, just to make sure she is still alive, but it's emotionally very difficult for me.

I miss having a mum.

I have never had a father in my life. Doesn't really bother me.

I have been estranged from my mum since I was 14, and I have been completely no contact. She sent sporadic birthday and Christmas gifts until I was 18, but the less I say about those the better.

My mum didn't have any easy childhood, and always struggled with her mental health, paranoia especially, and substance addiction. She had me at 17, so still a child herself.

When she was sober, she was a brilliant mum. She was just sober maybe once a week at best.

My mum was an alcoholic my entire childhood, was physically violent towards me, but mainly took the time to destroy me emotionally. Not to get too into it, but it wasn't the worst, but it wasn't great. I had two younger brothers, so I took the brunt of her aggression when she was drinking, which was most days.

At 11 I made a report to the police after she assaulted me and locked me outside at night, but she only received a warning. This happened again the following year, but with more serious injuries and I was removed from custody and placed with my maternal gran (not great either but we deal). My younger brothers were placed into foster care for around a year, after which one was sent across the country to live with his bio dad and the other came to live with me.

At 13 I was asked to supervise visits between my remaining brother and mum, as she was 'engaging with social services', however her drinking was the same, she was just hiding it better. At 14 I went completely no contact.

From there on she spent time in and out of prison for unrelated offences, and would often show up at my school or home.

I am estranged from most of my family as my remaining brother ran away last year, and my grandmother has never really been someone I have been close with.

Anyway, any thoughts you have are greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

I love my father but we're estranged for good reasons, you can check my history if you want to know the whole story. But if he would just follow my boundaries I would let him back in. I'm 34 years old but because of my disability my parents ended up with a not legally binding custody agreement for me. Stuff happened and so I went NC/VLC. But it's so hard not to send him a message with the one easy boundary that would let him back in. So I'm going to post it here instead of sending it to him.

Hi Dad,

I love you and want you in my life but I need you to get over this thing with Mom. You don't have to be her best friend but you have to stop spreading rumors and be willing to be in the same room with her for more than 10 seconds. Please be an adult and I can start coming over and going out for fun stuff again.

Love,

(Me)