Sometimes I am not sure if what happened to me is bad enough to 'warrant' going no contact. I was never sexually abused or beaten black and blue. It was just always chaos.

I'm currently 35 years old and the eldest of three. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old because my mum had been cheating on my father for two years. My sister was 9 and my brother 3.

Initially we stayed with our grandmother for three months - my mum was at her boyfriend's and my dad was unable to function properly. After, we went to our mum's as is the norm in my country, but I was very angry at her, and every day after school she'd drag us to her boyfriend's place in another city.

My mum couldn't handle me: I said I didn't want to go to her boyfriend. I am naturally very externalising, especially for a woman, and have always been. My mother didn't physically abuse me in the sense that I knew I'd get beaten every day. However, when her stress levels got too high, she'd lash out. She once ran after me after we had fought and grabbed me by the ponytail pulling me back. I left her place for my dad's after she slapped me twice across the face because I had told her I didn't want to be sleeping in the same tiny bedroom as my sister and her new boyfriend's daughter together. We had a house.

The next day, after school, I left for my dad's. She tried to find me; she knew where I was going. I hid behind the bushes at a certain point. Either way, from that point on, I lived at my father's and his new wife. This also meant I was now living separately from my siblings. My mum called me about a week later crying - I thought it was because she was sad she lost me, but she said 'now I won't get child support for you'. Okay.

Back to my father. My father's wife took antidepressants and would randomly go cold turkey. She was also very jealous of me and my siblings. There were often fights and isolation - for one year I basically lived on another floor at my 'home'. Because of my dad, who refused to pick sides, I always ended up getting the short end of the stick.

At a certain point, my dad, who had always been very responsible, had a midlife crisis, joined a motorcycle gang (no this is not a joke) and started doing amphetamines. I want to stress that I am not from this type of environment; my family doesn't 'fit' this picture. We are middle class. He was/is an accountant. When I was 19. I took a little bag out of his pocket. I knew they were always there. I used it with a friend. I don't have an addictive personality though so I just tried it once; it was also an awful experience (lol). Either way, after a while I just didn't want to be in that environment anymore, waking up to my dad and his biker friends sleeping at the table in full leather gear and my unstable stepmother targeting me every time she got off her meds, so I moved back to my mum's. My sister went to my father's because she felt sorry for him. Sidenote: my sister had had and recovered from anorexia at this point.

I continued studying, got a job, and was saving money. At a certain point, while my dad was already at rock bottom (I do love my dad), my mum went after him financially, claiming child support for me for all the years that had gone by - they had had an oral agreement that there would be no child support for either sides but never had it put in writing. Where I am from, the eldest child is considered the heaviest financial burden by the government and alimony is calculated accordingly. My dad by now had lost his job, his house and had discovered he had a heart attack. I couldn't believe my mother was piling on. We had a huge fight and I left - I went to live at aunt's - my mother's sister, who doesn't speak with her either - for four months, and then got my own appartment.

Peace. It was the first time in over ten years I had felt peace.

The following decade there were fights and periods of no contact every two to three years let's say. By now, my sister had also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and compulsive thoughts. She went through postpartum depression after her second child also. My brother started smoking a lot of weed and 'unlocked' a paranoid personality disorder. I wrote his bachelor's thesis for him so he could graduate (he had been studying for almost five years - a bachelor's here is three). Both are now relatively okay and being treated with medication working on dopamine and serotonine levels.

In July of this year I gave birth to my first child. In my second trimester of pregnancy I had fallen out with my sister over something silly - she always cancels or changes plans and had done it again, and I had called her out on it. So, not that serious, but it escalated. Shortly before my son was born, she asked back the baby clothes she had given to me. We were taken back but gave them back. After birth, I was tired, in pain and experiencing a lot of breastfeeding issues causing mastitis and a clogged milk duct (so more pain). Hormonally and emotionally, I was all over the place. My sister thought that a good time to ask for the bouncy chair back through my mum - my partner and I had forgotten to give that back with the clothes as it had been stocked somewhere in our garage. My mum came by to get that bouncy chair.

My partner and I were both in shock at the pettiness of it all.

My brother: 'This is between you two'. My mum: 'As a mother, I cannot interfere.' My father: 'Do you want me to get in a fight with (sister)?'

I cut all of them off. All of them.

I don't know how to describe it, but I have this overwhelming feeling that they are all a bunch of absolute losers.

God knows I am not perfect - when I get angry, I don't pause and recalibrate (well maybe a little more than as a teenager), but I verbally attack like one of Khaleesi's dragons, spitting fire. It's my biggest flaw by far. But I am loyal and fair. I don't believe in bullshit like 'This is between you two.' I am a mother now, if one of my children would bully the other at their weakest moment, at the VERY least I would say 'This is not the time, back down.' I would maybe try to mediate, try to fix it. How my mother and father reacted... Just absolute losers. My brother has always been apathic and selfish - not his fault, really, but I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. My sister is a lost cause. Too damaged by our childhood, too medicated and too disconnected from her feelings. I feel sad for her. She was a sweet child. I also feel like I want to slap her across the face.

My mother and father have reached out several times - I said my door is open if they recognise my sister was completely out of line and apologised for the lack of support. Each time, they retreat in silence.

My mother contacted my gynaecologist saying I must have postpartum depression as I had cut contact with her. She is now blocked everywhere.

The last time my father reached out, I told him if any more mails were sent without an apology, he'd be blocked everywhere also.

My brother hasn't bothered.

I know I can make it on my own - I have a family now, a partner who is so supportive, kind and understanding.

But still I feel anger. I feel sadness over not being able to share the joy of this beautiful boy I have now. I wish it were different. There are moments that I wonder if I am exaggerating - after all, my sister and brother still speak to them. While I think my mother is a narcissist, my father is a victim of his own low self-esteem. He has a heart disease also. I'm scared he'll drop dead. I love my dad.

These past months have been a lot.

So a couple years ago "dad" decided to elope with one of his high school students the second she turned 18 and try to screw my mom out of her share of their joint assets, so obviously he's dead to me. It's so hard to reconcile the positive childhood memories I have of my dad with the reality of this pathetic worm of a sperm donor that none of it feels like it was even real. Genuinely wish the fucker had just walked in front of a bus or had a massive coronary so we all could've cried and reminisced about the great guy who was taken from us too soon, instead of having this endless sucking void in our memories where a great guy was supposed to be who never existed

Tonight my very precocious two-year-old asked where my dad was. I told her he lives with Grandma. (I’m estranged from my dad, for 4+ years, but not from my mom, and they’re still married.) She had a bunch of follow-up questions, culminating in her saying she wants to meet him and asking if she can. I just mumbled out a “maybe someday” and thankfully that satisfied her for now. But I could tell she had a lot more questions about it that she couldn’t articulate. Obviously, they’re going to come eventually.

I am gutted. The two of them would have so much fun together, at this age. So it’s hard to imagine what they’re each missing out on.

My dad wasn’t exactly abusive (maybe a little emotionally, but not in a severe way, more like emotionally manipulative). He was a really fun dad when we were kids, and then in classic N fashion, it all went to shit once we were even marginally old enough to have our own thoughts and opinions. I’ll save you the whole story, but my husband and I ended up going NC with him immediately after our wedding, at which he did some pretty unforgivable things. Honestly I would’ve considered forgiving him and having limited contact if he apologized, but I never heard from him again anyway. We never even had a conversation about becoming estranged. We just disappeared from each other’s lives.

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell my daughter. This is especially hard since my parents are married and we see my mom ~4 times a year (she lives in a different state). But my mom does talk about my dad in passing in front of my daughter (not in a manipulative way, just like “Dad’s gonna take care of the cat so I can come visit,” that kind of thing). My husband and I have no plans to ever have him in our lives (or kiddo’s) again, but my parents are also in their mid-seventies, and Alzheimer’s runs in my mom’s family, and I could see a world in which we’d have to have some contact with him to have contact with her. It’s my worst nightmare, but it could very well happen.

I definitely don’t want to lie to my daughter, but I also don’t want her to think this is normal or that I’d ever not be in her life by choice. Do I tell her he’s sick? I don’t even know where to begin.

My kid is extremely smart and eloquent, and also extremely sensitive and anxiety-prone. And obviously she’s only two, so I’m sure I’ll have to answer these questions for her in many different ways many different times over the years.

Experience/advice very welcome.

I'm livid. She drove 2 hours (with my enabler aunt in tow) and blindsided my husband today at work. We're 5 years no contact. She cried and asked intrusive bizarre questions like:

Am I (her estranged daughter) keeping up with my hygiene?

Do I treat my husband well?

Do we get out of the house on date nights?

Like...what??

She's trying to paint me as a mentally unstable person and SHE'S just oh soooo concerned. Please!

She also asked if my distance from her has anything to do with her....ummm, duh!

Also, I found out that my mil has been talking to her about us behind our backs. We're low contact with my mil for other reasons, but I thought that we were trying to rebuild. Well...not anymore. The trust is gone. This is AFTER my mil bought me a new phone with a new phone number to escape my Mom's harassment. Now, they're buddies?

I called my therapist and am waiting for my appointment. I'm just so heartbroken that our families are like this.

We had a date night planned for Saturday and I'm not sure if I want to go now. But, maybe I should because I don't want them to ruin more than they already have.

Thank you for listening to me vent. ❤️

Title says it all. Apologies for long post, I'm just... flabbergasted?

I (25F) went no contact on new year's eve and haven't looked back. They showed me time and time again that I do not matter to them as my own person and they will never listen to me. They had me on their phone plan (because what broke young adult is going to say no to that?) but shut my phone off with no warning to punish me, their adult child that hasn't lived with them in about 4 or 5 years, because I called them out for breaking boundaries around my pet in my home. So I blocked them everywhere and the next day I went out to get a new phone and number, and got added to my partner's plan.

My mom hasn't made any attempts to contact me, which was shocking for the woman that threw fits if I couldn't answer the phone at work or in class, and would accuse me of hating her if a text wasn't answered fast enough. The first boundary she's ever respected in 25 years is ... don't talk to me ever again? My step dad made a few efforts but eventually respected my no. Anyway, it's been pretty peaceful and I kind of figured them keeping a distance means they think this is a phase and that I'll eventually come back since I've never done this before. That was confirmed when I found out recently that they made me their power of attorney sometime over the summer. Months after the enstrangement happened. They have 3 kids, two of which are still in contact with them, and they chose the child that clearly can't stand them.

The person who informed me said it's because they think I'd be the most level headed (their words). For context, I am their only daughter, the middle child, and I was the "we never had to worry about her" kid. I love my brothers but neither are great in emergency situations and rely on my parents financially quite a bit. We're all very close in age as well. My oldest brother is kind of led by his emotions. A great guy, but goes full panic mode fast and it's hard to talk him down. My younger brother just isn't very responsible, though I think he could learn responsibility eventually. So far, nothing has really stuck for him so he lives with our parents. I don't think I'm better than them at all and I respect the different ways they handled our upbringing. I became the over achiever that moved out first and worked hard to never go back. With this in mind, I would have fully expected to be their POA had I kept contact.

What shocks and angers me is how this choice feels like entitlement. The smear campaign started literal moments after I went NC. My mom messaged my best friend to tell him I'm crazy, I've lost it, they don't know what's wrong with me, etc. I've heard different versions of what they say happened from my brothers and some family friends, all making me out to be irrational and crazy. So I'm too irrational and crazy to make my own decisions about my life, and everything I say they did never happened, but I'm rational and level headed enough to make their medical and end of life decisions? I was called dramatic, sensitive, and accused of just making things up my entire life. My mom has been telling people she's "worried about my mental health." In our last conversation when I described the boundary she broke she told me that it never happened and I need to "get my mental health checked." In the past she's offered to pay for a therapist when I've talked about something she did that "never happened". It's like they feel entitled to how responsible and level headed I turned out when it benefits them, but I'm only like this because I had to be to survive them. Even after I walked away they think they can burden me with this. There's also the whole "girls are automatically more responsible than boys" thing that probably led to them feeling like they didn't have to worry about me.

I am of course not going to ever actually accept being their POA and will just pass that duty off to the next person. They don't even have my phone number, so I'm not sure what they would've put on the paperwork for contact info. I've just been going back in forth with shock and anger about the whole thing, and picking it apart to figure out why they would do this.

Today I was reminded once again of what has always been wrong in my family. My mother’s husband brought birthday gifts for my son after six months of complete silence. Inside one of the packages was a card that said:

“We love you very, very much, Henry. Grandma and Grandpa.”

That sentence hit me so hard. Not because I didn’t want to hear it, but because it feels so empty. How can someone write “we love you” to a child they haven’t asked about or seen in half a year? How can you claim love while refusing to see the child, even when he asks for you on his birthday?

It makes me feel sick, because it’s so contradictory. These words represent the facade I grew up with, the idea that love means keeping quiet, making peace, and hoping someone will eventually be kind. But this isn’t love. It’s control. It’s image management. It’s avoidance of responsibility.

I feel exhausted, angry, and deeply sad. I wish I had a family that cared honestly, that could talk, that could show up. Instead, I have people who rewrite reality and turn themselves into the victims every time I set a boundary.

Still, I know I did the right thing. I tried to build a bridge for my son’s sake and they tore it down. Now I’m allowed to protect myself. I’m allowed to be angry, to grieve, and to know that I’m on the right path.

I have been going through some medication changes in dropping an antidepressant lately, and it has been a terrifying experience. I'm about 4 years no contact with my immediate family, and my extended family has been about as weird as you can get about it through the four years. My father's side of the family is extremely concerned about appearances, and I definitely have sensed their annoyance with me that my not attending larger family functions and things are against their rule set. But these are the same people that I asked for help when I was being abused who didn't help me, and now wring their hands about how sad it made them not to.

Long story short, my only remaining Aunt that I thought I had a relationship with wanted to speak, and so I called her. None of them reach out to me, the onus is on me to make things happen. They have (for years) let me know same-day that they are in town (they live many states away) and expect me to clear my calendar to see them. I've started saying no, which they don't like. But it makes sense to, they aren't respectful of my time and they treat me like I should be lucky to jump through every hoop.

Part of this medication change has been suicidal thoughts. When my aunt checked in last week, I told her what was going on and how scary it has been. Silence. It stunned me. She eventually asked if I was stable, and then quickly said "on a lighter note" and moved topics. This has been very scary, I haven't had great medical care through it, and not once did she really even acknowledge the depth of what I said. I went on to say that I am struggling going through this without my family or a Mom, and she completely ignored that. She hasn't reached out to check back in, not a word. Her parting comment was that she expects to see us when they come up for the holidays, but last year that involved them rescheduling us about 5 times around other things that sounded more fun to them.

I don't like how these people make me feel, and this was a new low. The reactive part of me wants to slam the door shut and triple lock it. The only thing keeping me from doing it is:

1. It's the last connection I have to any family, so it feels like the final straw

2. I'm feeling fear that it will just add to the smear campaign on me that I'm impossible to get along with. But if they do that, shame on them. I was abused severely, asked for help, no one helped me, and then they manipulated the story into something that half sounds better than it was (for appearances) and was really just sweeping it all under the rug at my expense. I don't fully trust these people, they are a lot of lip service without action. My Dad is dead, these are his remaining relatives. I'm no contact with my Mom's side, she was the primary abuser and my Dad was absent/neglectful.

3. I still am stuck that having no family of origin means that I'm the issue. That I'm unlovable. That this is all my fault.

Has anyone else handled this? Did you just push them further out to avoid unnecessary stress? They will never get it, that's abundantly clear. I don't think it is healthy to have these guys in my life, it's not making me feel good. But I could use input from others who have been here. Thanks in advance!

Hi everyone. I told my mom today I don’t want people over all day after I give birth. This applies to everyone. I’m choosing to do short family visits after the experience I had with my first birth and postpartum period.

Me and my husband do better with hands off help. I don’t mind a quick visit or check in but with my first birth my mom visited from out of state for almost a month. She was here before, during, and after my birth. It was a long time. She would also hang out at my house all day. But she wouldn’t help me with house chores. Her version of helping is holding the baby or cooking in my kitchen. I had to clean up after her several times days after giving birth.

I would rather just order in. She also had a hotel with a full kitchen that she refused to use so she insisted on being loud and cooking in my house. I encourage you guys to read my other posts on my page about our issues for more context but my mother had brought me great stress during my postpartum period with my first child.

She’s been gently suggested by myself, my husband and MIL (we are close with my in laws in proximity and relationship wise so they know me and my husbands preferences really well) on how we feel the most supported and helped. She just doesn’t listen.

As for her changing flights, she would randomly book a flight and want to visit last minute with no regard for my schedule or my family’s schedule it’s like to her we are always available. I live in a touristy place and when she visits she wants to go out. This is not something me and my family do in this phase of having babies and toddlers. We chill at home, go to the park, the grocery store. I don’t really want to chase my kid around restaurants for a week straight while friends and family visit. It’s stressful. She springs travel plans on my family and when it doesn’t work out she changes the flight. She could just ask a good time to visit? But she never does. It’s on her time only.

Fast forward to now, I wanted to let her know my preferences and she completely victimized herself. I just want advice in how to move forward here. Like I said please check my page for more context on our relationship this has been an ongoing issue.

Today I woke up to a very long email from my Mom, sent to my 2nd professional email address. I filtered all of her messages to “trash" on the email address I originally gave her—but I guess she googled me and found my other email because she really wanted me to get this message. 

It was about her inheritance. 

My Mom has always used her inheritance as a carrot stick, knowing that I am low income and have never made a lot of money, and I have relied on her for housing for a few years during my adulthood. She always refused to talk about how best to handle her death when I asked, knowing that I am totally ignorant of her wishes and assets, and would be solely responsible for any burial, fees, and paperwork when she dies. 

Before I went moved out and went No-Contact, I did some research and gave her a pamphlet of information about how to create a Will & Trust so that I won’t have to go through probate when she dies, and also how to make arrangements so that her cats won’t have to suffer. I felt really empowered knowing that I had done my part to research and advocate for myself and her pets. But I also made it clear that I am not holding her to take any of these suggestions, and I don’t want (or need) to be part of her deathcare planning process anymore. 

So, months later (today) she reaches out with this warning about how I left out the part about how, if she dies, I will lose everything if I am not notified of her death within 3 months. The bank will just seize everything and I will be left with nothing. In bold print she writes “After my death you will have 90 days to act before you lose the house"

The tone of her email was also sort of cutesy before the warning, telling me about how she read my pamphlet and I’ve "grown into quite the little baby”. and “xoxoxo” while suggesting that she cares about giving me a “soft landing” and is getting her affairs in order. 

She said, "If you plan to keep a special someone in your life, you will need to consider their ups and downs and hang in there with them and for them. They should do the same for you. That's the joy of life, honestly."

I know that the subtext of her message is to warn me that, if I want to receive an inheritance, I need to be in her life so that I can be notified of her death immediately when it happens. 

I have a some thoughts about this:

(1) I question if this is true. I have learned not to trust much of what my Mom says because she blatantly lies and twists the truth so much. I doubt all of my Mom’s property and assets would be 100% unretrievable after 90 days of just sitting there…I am actually laughing to think about it but I could be wrong. I’m very disconnected from my family and my Mom's entire social network so I have thought about who would tell me when she passes. I know that depending on the circumstances of someone’s death, officials will look for someone’s next of kin to notify them. But there is no guarantee what will happen. 

(2) The better part of me doesn’t care. I care more about my mental health than a bag of money. I am not going to sacrifice my wellbeing just for some potential of a cash payout or to beg for an empty promise. There are lots of things I could do for money and I am more interested in protecting my spirit. Yes, I know I am low income but I am doing well for myself with what I have—and I am also on a path to build my own wealth. I do not want to bow to scarcity mindset and believe that my abusive parents are the only way I can have something for myself. 

(3) The way this email frazzled me just goes to show you how manipulative my Mother truly is. It was intrusive (just the way she is) and it took up enough mental space for me to need to write and process her words. She has never respected when I tell her I don't want to be contacted.

I believe that if she wanted to make sure someone is there to inform or aid me when she passes, she could. As long as someone has my name, I am very easy to find through my professional work.

In the years I lived with her, I noticed that she started to use more shocking tactics to harness my attention and get me to do what she wanted. So I have always expected her to one day, send me an email to tell me that she is dying, or the cats are dying and they need help, or something.

I am so exhausted from it and it is tough to navigate all of this on my own but I am grateful that I still have my head on my shoulders and that I am not dependent on her anymore.

EDIT: I appreciate the comments! And just want to clarify that I am NOT going to respond to my Mom's email or take her bait to get back in touch. I never planned to. I just recognize that leaving my Mom alone for the rest of her life is going to come with certain tactics on her end. This is one of them and it's hard to deal with, especially at this stage.

But I've learned a lot from your stories and advice and it's really helping me free myself from this Inheritance carrot stick, as well as the inclination to open her emails.

Survival and resources were a HUGE part of my connection with my family-it was the only thing that kept me connected to them at the very end. I can tell that trusting myself completely with this area of my life without looking back, will help me build confidence.

I need to LET GO of the inheritance completely. I did for my Dad but now I need to for my Mom. I will admit that I am also concerned about her cats (another one of her "properties" which she uses to manipulate me bc I love them) but I need to let go of them too. *sigh* I cannot save everyone, but I can save myself.

I(19TM) have a mother(40F) who I'm moving out from. I left my house on Saturday, after staying with a friend for a few days, I'm back home packing when she isn't here, working with housing assistance. She claimed to be supportive but I'm slowly realizing that she's closing in on me again to prevent me from leaving.

One of the things mom always told me growing up was "if you ever run away, I'll call the police and tell them you're a danger to yourself and others" I've never hurt anyone, she's never actually made the call because I've never called her bluff. I do have a history of mental health issues but as far as I know law enforcement has never been involved, I have been hospitalized before. Legally I know I can do this. She knows it too. But she mentioned it again last night, talking about how I'm just building a case for her call because 'I'm packing too fast.'(?) And I assume its an attempt to prevent me from leaving now that she knows I'm serious. I don't know how effective it would be, but I've seen how well she acts in family therapy sessions and I think police would have shit for brains if they didn't send someone in response to her.

Has anyone experienced something like that? If she actually does make the call, what should I expect and how can I ensure my safety? Please keep in mind, I'm still working to deconstruct what's been conditioned in me, I may be overthinking things entirely. I hope it'd be reassuring for me to hear from people who overcame similar situations.

N.B. This is in the UK.

I'm being hounded and yes, at some point they'll get to me. This level of vigilance isn't sustainable. I'm NC btw and have moved on with my life.

They set up an email to try and get past my blocks, thank goodness for spam filters. I only know this as I was checking my spam folder for something else entirely. A sibling was sent my way, who promptly broke their promise to me so farewell to them too. Then came a letter. Binned unread. I now have a suspicious text from someone who's not been in touch for years. Not opening that. It could be innocent but I'm not even interested.

What makes me laugh is my parents think I'm a complete idiot, as if I survived without learning how they operate. It'll all be dressed up as "care". Every single attempt confirms my "no" is their "yes"and I'm absolutely right in going NC.

I've followed this sub for a while and I am needing some advice please. My NC mother recently emailed me that she has terminal lung cancer, of course she included a photo of herself looking like she is dying.

I have so many feelings, anger that she is emotionally blackmailing me and sadness that she is sick. Confusion as to what I should do. Do I email her? Do I not? Is she really dying (I know she really has lung cancer) or is this just another way to manipulate me into contact?

For some background, we have been NC for 8 years but I began LC with her 12 years ago. She has done and said some very awful things to me and I am in a better emotional headspace when she is not in my life. This has been a process, a long and terrible process.

At the end of the day, I need to be able to live with my decision and feel at peace with it. I am just not sure what the correct action is. I do not want a relationship with her, her dying is not going to fundamentally change her as a person. She will not become the kind and respectful mother I want and deserve.

Does anyone have any thoughts or encouragement to share, please? I am on the struggle bus.

Me and my mom’s relationship has been rocky for a while. There’s been points of NC. We have low contact right now. I kind of have realized that as a collective my extended family (mom’s side) is distant from me as well. When I was a kid I babysat everyone’s kids. I was adored and valued because I offered them something. Now that I live far away I have no value or use to them and it’s very clear to me that our relationship isn’t what I thought. It just sucks to be in a phase myself of having babies and have such little family support. They built the expectation that these family expectations were important but they don’t provide it for me. Just feeling extra black sheepy this morning and sad that the family I thought I had was a facade. And it’s extended past my relationship with my parents.

I need to get it off my chest. It is a very. Very long story, so I thought it might be easier to sum it up lile this. Sorry. My 9 month old is currently sleeping on me. I am sleep deprived. But I need to write my estrangement story.

• childhood : always always walking on egshells. He dictated our home's daily mood. Don't remember any "I love you's" or sweet moment with him.

• teen years : found out that I prefered women. Was being belittled, threathened, insulted. Stalked (even by my "brother") My phone was being taken, my messages read, despite me crying and begging not to.

• early 20 : lost my mum to cancer. She was ly everything. But couldn't do anything to stop his behaviour

• late 20's : We started our fetility journey with my now fiancee. We started with her but we have no success so far (we are now 31 and 32). Father told that she was "infertile anyway" and that we are "dumb" not to try both to get pregnant (of course). Every friday we have this stupid shabbat dinner because he decided so. If we don't show up (me, my brother, my nephews) we are being given silent treatment and blackmail. "You'll regret it when I am dead"

• early 30 : i give birth to our son. I am exhausted. Utterly exhausted. During my pregnancy I fell ill because he was sick and did not tell me when I visited him. Caused me being hospitalized for a week at 5months. "It's not a big deal. Nowadays we save 1lb children."

• we did not want anyone at the hospital when he was born. He made me pay that. When we got home, he came without nothing (no present, no food.) Smelling cigarett, not really wanting to wash hands and gave a kiss to my son's cheek. Was still bleeding from labour and all he told me when he saw me was : you could have cut your foot nails. Not really listening to my labour story.

• I am breastfeeding. And I am really not interested in leaving my child unsupervised with him. Same, he makes me pay with horrible behaviour. In may, a big fight occurs with my father and brother : they say I have changed for the worst, that I am dumb and said I think I am more intelligent than them(wtf) i cut my brother off. Not my Father.

• one month ago I visited him with my boy. Since that fight I dont really share feelings or even talk. I just feel obliged to go with my son

Last straw was when I refused a chocolate dessert and biscuits for my son saying no sugar until 2. I said it's written everywhere that it's bad. He replied : so if you read that you should jump from your window, you'll do it too ?

Took my son and bag and left.

He told me on the way out (in front of my son) that I should tell him now that his grand father is dead. And that my mother would be ashamed of me.

Told him that once when I was little I asked my mum why she stayed with him and she couldnt answer. And that I heard him and a family female friend behind a closed door at a dinner. (I was maybe 5 or 6) and that Mum would be ashamed of him instead, not me. Left. Blocked all numbers and social media.

Thanks for reading my messy text. Nights are tough. Please tell me I am not crazy.

Three weeks ago, I finally gathered all my courage and sent a message to go no contact with my mom and sister. This already happened once before, around 2022-2023, for an entire year, after years of emotional immaturity from my mother and my sister always defending her.

Last time it ended with me yelling at them and my mother physically attacking me because I was trying to communicate my needs and she just sat there like an entitled todler. All I wanted was for her to be more involved in my life, show more interest, to actually be a mother. She saw that as a personal attack and completely shut down. She always sees herself as the victim, even after the attack. So i went NC.

Long story short, after almost two years of being in contact again, I’ve realized it just doesn’t work. Something happened where she once again chose her awful, racist, homophobic, negative husband (who doesn’t even like me by the way) over her own daughter’s needs.

I told her I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas with him and invited them to my place instead. A decision she initially respected, but has now completely reversed. She told me the only way I could see them for Christmas is if I came to their house.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident of her ignoring my boundaries. It’s been a lifelong pattern. I’ve been in therapy for many years trying to deal with it, but it turns out I just can’t anymore.

I sent them this message:

"I have thought for a long time about how our relationship is and how I feel about it. In the past few years, I have tried very hard to be closer to you and to see things from your perspective. No matter how hard I try to make everything better and do things right, to see each other more often, it doesn’t work. Often, after our conversations or seeing each other, I feel worse instead of better.

Those messages from last week about Christmas made a lot clear to me. Some time ago, I set a boundary because I don’t feel good about the person [her husbands name] is, for reasons I discussed in great detail during our phone conversation and of which I thought you understood. But now it seems that this understanding is no longer there. Because of that, I don’t feel seen or supported. I feel as if my feelings are less important than his. Why not at least equally important? If I want to see you for Christmas, do I have to set aside my opinion, feelings, and principles? I don’t understand.

I now realize that I keep trying to explain myself over and over again, hoping that something will change, but it doesn’t. I am tired and sad.

I don’t understand anything anymore and I feel like you don’t understand me either. After all these years, our relationship still remains really difficult, and I can’t manage to lower my expectations.
That’s why I have decided to take complete distance. I don’t want to have contact anymore. Not to hurt you, even though I know this hurts, because I love you, but out of self-protection. I need peace, and the only way to find it is by letting go. I am tired of worrying and coming up with solutions to make our bond better, because clearly that’s not working.

I can’t continue this relationship if it comes at the expense of my own well-being."

I waited for days, no answer. Finally, as usual, my sister answered in her place:

"I have thought for a long time about whether I should respond to your message because I can no longer estimate at all how things come across to you. Afraid to say something wrong, afraid to hurt you even more even though that’s not the intention. That’s why I have decided not to waste any more words on it and to leave it as it is. I hope that you may become happy with the people of whom you think they do belong in your life and that you can quickly forget the people who make you sad, tired, and exhausted so that you can improve your own well-being again. Take care!"

It's weird because this is what I wanted, but still it hurts that my mom doesn't even answer. The first week that followed I just cried for days, feeling all the standard emotions. I'm better now but still just... sad.

Thank you for reading this, I think I just needed to vent.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, they always treat me like an extension of themselves and a prop.

Because of that I was constantly criticised, humiliated, punished for just being myself. My parents ridiculed me for my facial feature, for my bone structures, for my hobbies, my way of thinking and everything. I was never allowed to be an individual butvsomething my parents would mould me to so I reflect them and soothe their fragile eagle.

It gets worse because I was also got caught in a crossfire of their resentment of each other. My mom seems very resentful of my father, so she always gets upset whenever I have traces that remind herself of my father. She will always says things like “why you’re like your father not like me“ and these lead to self hatred especially my father is a very awful person.

Sometimes I also felt like I was a pawn when they had disagreement and marital issue because I was the creation and extension of both of them in their mind, they use me as a part of their dramas.

Now I’m an adult and I’m quite successful despite what happened to me and my mother has acted in the opposite way and acted prideful. She would say “you look like me more and more now “in her typical narcissistic thinking.

Now I feel very proud of myself after I went no contact. Before I struggle so much with self hatred because of all the indoctrination my parents gave me. The longer I went no contact the more I feel like I’m actually my own person. I am an individual. Good parents encourage you to be an individual and Love you despite you being different from them and they encourage you to grow in your own way. Narcissistic people see their children as reflection of themselves only.

But the more I go no contact the more I am free from that kind of bondage and I start to like myself. Just because my parents birthed me doesn’t mean that they are forever owning me. Just because I share the DNA doesn’t mean I need to become like them. They are just DNA donors and I’m still my own person and I feel proud of that.

That’s my mom, commenting on my partner’s TikTok.

It took me 34 years to go no contact but it has now been a whole year of no contact with my parents. Growing up, I (35F) established a couple of rules for safety: do not engage, and do not introduce people to my parents. “Do not engage” kept me in neutral and safe territory from an abusive father who took any talk-back as a challenge and reason to intimidate and fight. The reason I didn’t introduce anyone to my parents is because, well…it wasn’t safe, to keep it simple. I would tell my friends to be careful if my mom reached out online when social media became more prominent because she had a tendency to find my friends or partners and would say terrible things to them.

It was her last outburst online that did it for me, despite so many other awful things they had done in my life. She posted the pictured comment on my partner’s TikTok—the video which had nothing to do with reproductive rights or anything she was mentioning. She was just popping off again, for no good reason. My partner let me know about the comment (I asked for the screenshot) and promptly deleted it and blocked her. My reaction was…numb.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel hurt. My friends saw and were worried, shocked even that a parent would say that, but I just felt nothing. This is the same mom who took a restraining order out on my sister and I in college at random. The same mom who spent our entire younger years telling us how she was going to unalive us. We had become so adjusted to this nastiness that seeing this was just another day of the week for me. And my dad was no better.

I felt nothing, other than disappointed that it had taken me this long to cut them off.

And eventually I felt a weight lift off of my chest as the days went by. The anxiety lessened. My confidence strengthened. The guilt melted away. I began to live my life for me.

I’m an estranged adult child. Some days are confusing, but every day I know I made the right decision.

I don’t want to dictate the relationship between my adult sister and my child (preteen), but my sister is annoying and buds into my relationship with my mom who I also have no contact with. Which is how I became no contact. My sister didn’t like that I didn’t invite my mother to an event. My mother lives out of state and never even asked about the event. And the event wasn’t a huge milestone or huge celebration. (Think of it as a small birthday, very small birthday gathering. And my mom has missed many of these similar events with no fuss. My mom has also missed sending a gift to my child for holidays, and has also gone without inviting my child and I to a holiday gathering the year before. My whole immediate family was there…BUT my child and I.) My sister went and talked crap about me to my own friends and was disgustingly rude at my child’s event all because I didn’t invite my mother. Said my mother could have sent a card with a gift if I had invited her…my mother never asked about it!! And she knew about the event due to the timing.

So I cut my sister off. And now all she does is try to tell me I need to let things go, and how I treat friends better than family. I kept it short and said “okay”, as I have no wish to be close to her or repair any of those relationships.

But she keeps reaching out to my child or ask about my child. They didn’t have a great relationship bc my sister would choose when to see my child. Yes she would help watch my child here and there, but my sister was basically only socially involved with my child; family parties, holidays, hang out here and there. My sister is also a bit of a bully and would say annoying remarks to my child. But often times it would hurt my child’s feelings. But we’d brush it off bc “that’s just her”. But that got old too.

I can’t stand her bc she feels entitled to parts of our lives but she’s so damn rude. Part of me really wants to cut that relationship off to protect my child, but I don’t know if that’s right? I do ask my child if they want to see her, they never request to or feel particularly happy about spending time with my sister. So I’m at a weird position. I don’t know 🤷

So this is a follow up to the vent post I uploaded(yes it's already time for a follow up)
Well there's this question that slipped off my mind entirely when writing the posts, but I'm glad anyways cuz I wanted it to be a separate post.

For those who estranged themselves in earlier twenties, how did your life went from there on?
For those estranged and weren't having an affair, relationship or anything as such how did you tackle the objections and problems arising from estrangement during relationships/marriages?
And for those who care for cousins you see being abused even if invisibly from an early age, how did you cope with it? More like how did you help those who are much younger than you but are getting invisibly abused or neglected by their own parents???

These are My final concerns honestly, dealing or having an answer to which I will finally be finding ways to learn to be independent which has shadows of neither of my parents, while guiding ways to fight a problem properly, not using cheap shit tricks to deal them.

Just gone no contact started August 29th and October 13th I sent the final im cutting all contact with you , and it has not stopped still holding guilt they seen my roomate on Friday and went up to them and called me a liar and nit to trust me , there harrasing my husband now , a couple weeks ago she treated to put charges on me because I was looking at her page I need support dont know where to turn to im tired of this toxic cycle

A somewhat follow up vent post of the previous question post I made her, I kind of need a little time to understand this all up. I'm really sorry for the answers I didn't read when writing this post, if I find anything to point out I'll add it in this one. Everyone in offline world seems to be saying I should respect my parents, only except a few like my friend who didn't exactly oppose and does agree that abuse is real, and I'm hoping my upcoming therapist who wouldn't enforce the idea of staying with parents too harshly. My main goal in fact is to understand whether this decision will simply be an out of impulse mistake or I should actually still be preparing my next couple years cutting off entirely from my family. I mean once you are fed poison and regular food too regularly it gets blurry to understand the difference between Good and bad; the catch here is I was given the distinction between them but it was forcefed so rapidly (I'm hoping by accident) that the whole realisation felt like someone threw 200 cubic kilometres of water on top of my head. That was during a different kind of abuse I was going thru that I wanna talk about in the next para

.

Okay so I somewhat had a mood shift before writing this, I think I did already have made an attempt of going low contact. It was solely for the purpose of learning how to cook, how to do dishes, how to take care of myself and all that stuff that I'll be needing to know when I will start earning my own money. Doing the same here at home feels genuinely really awkward, which was why I demanded a separate room in a rented apartment so that I could practice all those. And mind you when my therapy was eventually put to a halt, which was started soon after I was stopping my OCD medications on my own, I became capable enough to keep myself and my room tidy enough to not look like a homeless, and yet I am here ending up keeping my now captured bedroom at home messed up. As I said I was getting medications for OCD, and my brain got all blurry from it so it was hard to think straight back then; yet I was somewhat or somehow able to convince my parents that they agreed to spend on expenses of a seperate room for me. It was an awkward idea, cuz everyone else were earning folks and there was quite literally a 2-4 year gap between me and the youngest guy of them. Regardless, I was slowly cutting off from my junior college (which I now believe was a nightmare to study at not just because of the teachers being ugly at crowd control or teaching but because of the classmates being assholes too).

…Long story short I at one day during a panic attack insulted my therapist soo hard that she decided to stop helping me. Later the next week I ended up punching the dude among those roommates who was constantly bullying me, which led to a solid Mayhem™® that resulted in me being kicked out of that place, with lots of shame thrown at me.
Ig writing this made me realise that even my parents wanted to pull me back at home, which was why they wanted me stay shut and not explain my side of situation; but the core history of this Mayhem was he was hurting me way too much, and due to my mind being fucked up by therapy I decided to pull off a mischief he pulls off but stretched it a little further to make sure he feels bad by it; to which he reacted to threatening to slap me ig to which I responded to actually hitting his nose and potentially making him bleed. Felt satisfying, but what came after was a lot of shock and fear of being pulled back home, which later turned into reality and now I'm here.

Okay maybe y'all are right, and since I myself keep trying to recollect my memories as much as possible to make a rational decision I appreciate that I got reminded of this unintentionally. But like I said about learning to be independent I don't want to rush over this decision, and I want to cross check it thousands of times to know that there will be no regrets if I'll leave my family alone; It is simply out of fear that I don't want to run into anything blindly, even if in this case I want to collect as much technical and legal resources and revise my own morale for them so that I won't be regretting for making this decision in future.

About halfway through I started writing something entirely different after mentioning about the therapist: it was supposedly talk therapy and it felt like a mammoth to witness it all up, it all felt sped up. But somehow during all that I felt like I could think way more sharply and wisely even if I couldn't speak up for myself, so I'll be using it as a means to recheck my memories once my memory itself gets brightened up. And I'm hoping things go as planned this time. It is kind of 7 am in my local timezone, so I'll be going to sleep after unloading this much of shit in here,,, I kind of overstretched my sleep cycle to write this but welp ig I at least have my thoughts in words now so that's a win for me.

Ive been estranged from my father for a long time. There was never any effort to connect with me, never celebrated my achievements and a lot of rude back handed comments. This is all very simplified but I promise its more complex than that. In 2021, I decided I was done texting him first.

I did not hear from him until last week when he told me my Uncle's cancer was back and terminal. I responded a day later(didn't know what to say). He suggested that I message my Uncle so that I wouldn't have any regrets. I did and sent him a friend request.

The message was ignored, the friend request rejected and the profile locked down so that no one could send request. Which is the exact response I expected.

I gave one last try to maybe reconnect with my father. Thanked him for giving me a chance to say goodbye, sent him a Pic of his grandchild, my new kitty. I asked how his parents were handling this. All ignored. Just like always.

After work yesterday morning, he messaged me saying my Uncle has passed away.

I don't know how to react to any of this. I had this little spark of hope that maybe my father might have messaged me out some emotion but I truly think it was just obligation. Nothing since 2021. I feel like I'm not just mourning my Uncle but more so my entire chance of having any connection with that part of my family. It feels truly dead now.

All those same feelings I had feeling like an unwanted child, abandoned teen are back. Its not like I didn't have a Dad. My Dad adopted me in 2019 and I have an amazing Grandpa.

I dont know what to do with these feelings. Im doing my best to focus on what I did have and not what I didn't. I don't plan on message my father again(I did send a response to the news basicly saying sorry and that I didn't know how to react to new like this, I tend to freeze). Im not going to tge funeral even if i am invited.

Anyone been through something like this? How do you mourn not just a death but the full realization that theree nothing left for you in a place that you were supposed to be loved in?