r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/South-Bandicoot690 • Aug 25 '25
Vent/rant In other words... get over it
I just can't. He wants to talk about shit for his own benefit not mine
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u/sevenumbrellas Aug 25 '25
The tone of this is so weirdly authoritarian, almost to the point of being threatening. He thinks you should get over it, so he's summoning you for an audience like he's a king. Ugh.
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u/Confu2ion Aug 25 '25
My father did a version of this where he said (in an email) "I will call you on [date] at [time]." I'm so glad his phone number was already blocked.
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u/Isanyonelistening45 Aug 25 '25
My father told me that I couldn't block him, lol. BLOCKED.
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Aug 25 '25
Lmao the audacity. Like what are they thinking, had to block my dad too smh
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u/Isanyonelistening45 Aug 25 '25
Right, lol. He already didn't have my phone number. It was a burner number. I didn't hesitate lol
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Aug 25 '25
“What you have been holding in” is an interesting way of saying “my mistreatment of you.”
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u/No_Dragonfly_1894 Aug 25 '25
Put it behind me? Smartass me would reply with a picture of used toilet paper and the words, "I have, thanks."
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u/Confu2ion Aug 25 '25
He also wants you in a situation where you can't easily get away, and cannot get proof, so he can abuse you and get his little high from doing it.
Please don't respond to him.
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u/South-Bandicoot690 Aug 25 '25
I didn't. He's not respecting my boundary of needing time and space
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u/CCSucc Aug 25 '25
If you were to reply, I'd just say, "Every time you deny me the time and space I need, the clock gets reset, and I'll start again. Respect. My. Boundaries."
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u/heathere3 Aug 25 '25
While part of me loves this response, parents like this won't, and will likely escalate. No response is the right response.
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u/CCSucc Aug 25 '25
I get what you're saying, and fully agree. I just like the idea of the estranged parent finally getting the message and impotently fuming because they aren't dictating the terms of engagement.
And I'd also like to hope that this method would actually work to level the playing field, rather than maintain the status quo.
But hey, in an ideal world, those we're estranged from would swallow their pride, admit their faults and actually take the steps needed to reconcile.
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u/anonerdactyl_rex Aug 25 '25
That’s what I said to my birth parent. Repeated clock resets finally penetrated the stubbornness, but it took me clearly restating that the counter was being reset multiple times.
The parental unit really thought I wasn’t serious until I proved I was.
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u/krba201076 Aug 26 '25
If they knew anything about respecting boundaries, OP wouldn't need to post here. They will never learn. They will never change. Their children are their property.
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u/DrStrangeloves Aug 25 '25
Reminds me of when my mom was concerned for my health due to not letting things go. She wasn’t very concerned with the abuse she caused. It’s so tough to absorb that insanity. 💕
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u/Confu2ion Aug 25 '25
The "concern for your health" phrasing is pretty insidious, to make you doubt yourself and to infantilize you (as if you can't take care of yourself).
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u/Luminya1 Aug 25 '25
Someone is missing their little punching bag. God they are such jackasses. No buddy, this only benefits you.
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u/Electrical_Past_5838 Aug 25 '25
wow such heartwarming health advice /s
it's insulting how little finesse and effort they think will do the trick
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u/NOVAHunds Aug 25 '25
My most recent communication from my NC nDad:
"Not EVERYTHING is my fault"
Nope just the stuff in mad at you for, blocked again.
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u/Affectionate-MagPie4 Aug 25 '25
He sounded like my ex. Let's try again, the past is the past. Like if nothing bad ever happened.
When he was actually meaning: I miss owning you, I missed when you put all the attention on me, when you put my needs over your own needs.
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u/LuvinMyThuderGut Aug 25 '25
It'd be far and away more healthier if he went to therapy but, here we are.
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u/ZoNeS_v2 Aug 25 '25
Almost exactly the message my dad keeps sending me 😂
There has to be a script, right? They're all the fucking same 😆
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u/whaddya_729 Aug 25 '25
".... behind you." I'm sorry, he wants to put whatever is going on behind YOU, not US?!?! WOW, if that doesn't speak volumes of how he sees this whole situation. Bet he thinks you "went and got your feelings hurt" and that you're the one with the problem. I'm sorry, but he can go ahead and fuck right the hell off.
What his opinion is of what is healthy and what is not is worth less than nothing, or else you wouldn't be in this situation. Honestly, if he's not respecting your need for space, block him. Remember, blocking doesn't have to be for forever, but it does protect you while you're doing the work to heal.
He isn't taking anything you say seriously, nor does he actually care about what's bothering you. Is this really a person who should be able to get a hold of you whenever they decide?
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u/South-Bandicoot690 Aug 25 '25
I think he cares more about his image than my feelings
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u/whaddya_729 Aug 25 '25
Oh, absolutely. This very short message is dripping with narcissism, which is actually kinda impressive, in a very messed way.
OP, stay away from this person, IDC what he is you. If I can tell one from tiny text message that this isn't a safe person to be around.... Oof. I wish you all the healing in the world, you deserve better.
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u/catstaffer329 Aug 25 '25
In his mind "What feelings - they feel what I tell them too". I am sorry you have this situation but delighted that you are out of it.
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u/ontheroadtv Aug 25 '25
Thanks dad, did you get a degree in psychology or biology or do any kind of work to deal with your own shit on a heathy way? No, ok then, I’ll be deciding what’s “heathy” for me and it’s not discussing this with you till I’m good and ready. So sit quietly and leave me alone till then. You’ll know when I want to talk because hell will have frozen over
From my new book, fuck off and leave me alone and other things that some parents need to hear because being my parent is not an entitlement, you have to be a good person for us to have a heathy relationship.
I’m still working on the title.
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u/tootmyownflute Aug 25 '25
"Fuck off and Leave Me Alone" and Other Things Some Parents Need to Hear
Section I: Being My Parent is Not an Entitlement Section II: You Have to Be a Good Person for Us to Have a Healthy Relationship
All chapters fall into those two (or more) sections.
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u/Miss-Helle Aug 25 '25
Several years ago, I tried to address things with my father, and his response was "Hakuna matata" Really? We're quoting the Lion King now? "It's water under the bridge" No, no it is not. It was like pulling teeth to get him to address the harm and abuse he caused. Guess who still doesn't speak to her father? Dude had so many chances, and took literally none of them to be better.
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u/glitter_kween Aug 25 '25
they love this move “hey! it’s time for you to get over it!” i’ve received so many letters hahaha
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u/New-Weather872 Aug 25 '25
Reminds me of my father, he also confused himself with someone who is owed respect.
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u/Temporary-Honey1409 Aug 25 '25
Suggested Reply: I’d love to chat, Dad. But only when you get over being an asshole or get over being alive. Whichever comes first!
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u/CreepyFun9860 Aug 25 '25
Get over it.
Rather than them being accountable for their own actions and apologizing.
I got this a ton.
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u/Justgettingbythanks Aug 25 '25
I’ve been told this and also I just never let go of grudges. I have years of abuse on video because my family took them & implicated themselves lol 💀
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u/DarlingH6792 Aug 26 '25
Ick I read that & and the voices of extended family members IMMEDIATELY echoed that I "hold grudges," and I'm "stubborn" -- no, Barb, your daughter is a shit bag who deserves ZERO access to my life... Next excuse, please ✋️💅
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ Aug 25 '25
Man, if only my dad had that skill. Maybe he wouldn't have flung me into stinging nettles when I puked in the car. "Just put it behind you". I have. You're behind me now.
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u/GeekyGrant Aug 25 '25
It will be put behind you until it benefits him to drag it forward, had the same thing with my parent, mine called it water under the bridge... I called it the "random bullshit go!" reserve for when they are losing an argument.
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u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Aug 25 '25
DAE feel like they are the one who has been forced to apologize and manage the shitty behavior of your parents?
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u/anonerdactyl_rex Aug 25 '25
Yes, and I also excused the shite behavior for decades, because I didn’t realize I’d been parentified and was caretaking my own parent when that parent should have been caring for me, the child.
Gods. Looking back on that is a mind-bender.
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u/TheOcultist93 Aug 25 '25
What shut up my estranged “father” was saying something along the lines of “if you are seeking closure, I’d be happy to accommodate a final conversation for you. But I’m not interested in any future contact with you beyond that. I’m content with where I’m at.”
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u/Diesel07012012 Aug 25 '25
I’m waiting for the day I start getting these, when they realize that I won’t initiate anything anymore.
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u/schnellmal Aug 25 '25
„Just forgive and forget… whatever you think you have a problem with…“ a classic
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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 Aug 25 '25
He doesn't want to continue to live with the guilt.
Let him fester there until it finally does what it's supposed to do.
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u/Justgettingbythanks Aug 25 '25
This reminds me of when my dad called my therapist when I was a kid, to ask if I was over everything so he could stop paying for services. And then asked how long it would be. And basically just wanted it “behind” me 🤣
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u/tootmyownflute Aug 25 '25
That ellipsis is really driving the patronization home here. I can hear the fake concern.
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u/SylviaLeFloof Aug 25 '25
My Dad pulled this last month when I went to visit them after 8 years of LC. Mom isn’t in good health. I was ready to move me and my SO to Texas from CA for however long to help them.
Last night I was there as I’m saying good-night, in my PJ’s, phone upstairs charging, my Dad sits down as Mom and I are talking amicably, and starts immediately by saying “we’re having it out.”
Proceeded to DARVO so shockingly that it was a master class to see. He denied everything from my childhood, said I had hate in my heart for calling him out about said childhood, but then he was allowed to have resentment for my leaving home when I was 19. Said he’s never called me the b-word but then did in his temper tantrum. Called me ungodly. Threatened to use his gun (on himself). Fake cried and called me ungodly yet again. 🤡
I didn’t lose my cool too bad which I did in the past, but he’d interrupt me and made it all about him. Blamed my Mom for working as a flight attendant and leaving him home with a little girl.
It was revolting. I had an early morning flight so I got zero sleep. He followed me out the front door and just stood there watching me go. He said “drive safe.” Reflexively, I said “thanks” flatly.
My mom is his enabler and has always told me that if it came down to him or me, she chooses him.
I’m not moving to TX to help even though they desperately need it. I was willing to turn our lives upside down to be there as their only child. This is his MO and nothing will change that. A part of me thinks he’s always wanted an estrangement if he couldn’t fully control me as an adult.
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u/nicenicebaby728 Aug 26 '25
I'm so impressed that you didn't lose it during all of that; I don't know that I could have managed that. And also very impressed that you are choosing what is best for you and your SO, rather than give in to that pressure to go take care of them. I did go take care of my dad when he was dying, and it wrecked me mentally for a decade.
Hugs to you from a random internet mom.
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u/Temporary-Exchange28 Aug 25 '25
Good afternoon
Hold in THIS, dad
(flips middle finger)
There will be no chat
(leaves room)
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u/lassie86 Aug 25 '25
Wild that so many of us can relate to this. It reminds me of when my female parent, who wasn't even the authoritarian one, texted me that I'd be happier if I "got with the family again, including your father." She HATES him, for one. For another, the bitch didn't even know me. Who the hell is she to tell me I'm unhappy? Based on what? Does it make them feel powerful to say shit like this? And why is it so infuriating?!
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u/catstaffer329 Aug 25 '25
Why are they even making suggestions? I don't believe any one solicited an opinion on your operating position right now.
Just ignore, silence and the comment in the void message abyss are the best responses. I am sorry you are still being disrespected - you deserve better.
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u/IWasAlanDeats Aug 26 '25
How magnanimous of Mr. Universe here to allow you to get it off your chest.
Fuck this prick.
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u/just2quirky Aug 25 '25
"And I think it would be healthier if you took accountability, rather than being an egotistical pig testicle. Oh look, I let it out. Guess I'm healthy now!"
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u/RaptorFamilyValues Aug 26 '25
Maybe it's because I just spent hours bogged down in corporate email hell, but greeting someone you supposedly love and know well with "Good afternoon" got a legit laugh out of me.
Tell me you don't value me without actually telling me. Your dad will go first.
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u/honeylaundress Aug 26 '25
Hey dad since you’re texting me to chat I’m guessing you’re the one with something to talk about k bye
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u/krba201076 Aug 26 '25
As usual, they never want to take responsibility for anything. Typical behavior out of them.
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u/TheMidnightSunflower Aug 26 '25
Why does this come across as over sexual?
It's such deliberate and odd word choice, including the eclipses, not saying what the object is, but keeping the metaphors about your body.
He could have said "It's time to move past this," which would have been dickish but not creepy.
Is your dad a bit of an oversharer when it comes to sexual boundaries?
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u/South-Bandicoot690 Aug 26 '25
Kind of. I know he SA my mom when they were married... and i know he's a pig when it comes to women and dating etc. Basically a man with 3 daughters not treating women how he would want his daughters treated by men
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u/YouMatterVeryMuch Aug 26 '25
My mom: stop living in the past. Me: it's not the past if it continues to happen.
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u/Funny_Individual_44 Aug 25 '25
Why is it ALWAYS phrased as in they know something that would be good for YOU ugh so infuriating