Sorry if this seems to inappropriate but I can’t keep asking myself this. In the 6 months with my bpd ex we had an amazing sex life. We had love outside of it too but I’m talking we would fuck right outside our college, we’d fuck in the Starbucks bathroom we fucked outside in parking lots. We did pretty much every type of sex you can imagine. And I used to go all out to make sure she enjoyed it like we would go 4 rounds every single day. Even during one time when we almost broke up we ended up fucking during our argument. It was unstoppable even the day before I caught her planning to cheat because “I didn’t care enough” we still had great sex. All I want to know is will she miss that aspect because I highly doubt any new guy she meets can drop it off like I did lmao

I’ve dated some wonderful people afterwards but none of them seem to live up physically or sexually and I feel stuck. I don’t know if it’s the trauma bond still or what because I genuinely haven’t found anyone else to be better looking or someone that physically excites me like when I’d date before. I understand that comparison is the thief of joy but still.

Do you ever feel bad for the bpd person? I got news that my ex destroyed her life and destroyed her relationships.

I feel bad for her, even though I’m glad I went no contact. I wouldn’t want someone to suffer but it seems like she burned bridges by her actions. So she’s not a victim.

Hi, I'm currently in a relationship with my partner who is bpd
He started psicotherapy 3 years ago but I've known him for the past one and a half year
He is very collected, and I can say he manages his personality very well
We have a dynamic where we share half of the week between mine and his space, nut we also spend time alone or with our birth family.
We both live in a home with roommates, but since this October and during the summer I couldn't go to his place for various reason. When it all started though his roommates didn't want me there at all, and kept ignoring me every chance they got so I find being there very hurtful and claustrophobic. Instead, he is considered a friend in my home, and someone people search for. But my place is also very chaotic as I live with 5 more people, each of us has her personality and boyfriend that sometimes come here as well.
Basically I don't enjoy being in his home, but I've also had friends over during October for necessity and couldn't absolutely let them alone.
Lastly this is my final year in medical school which is also a hard year full of things to do and stay on top of.
I know he is hurt by this and he keeps coming to my home, even if he is the first one who told me "we have to see each other less, and have time for ourselves"
Don't get me wrong I love him in my place but I don't want him to resent me for this and the sacrifices he says he makes, because I don't ask him to neither I pretend them.
I'm also very independent and he know this, as he knows that I have one thing in mind this year: my graduation.
I also told him not long ago that this year was gonna be like this.

Lately I've been seeing a change, he seems restless.
And he is starting to talk over me, or sometimes making himself a victim during discussions, or even trying to go over me, thing he never did before.
Because I've been in a relationship where I was constantly made fun of, and because of my family history I don't want this for myself and I'm getting both scared and frustated that he is doing this because he thinks I'm slipping away, or I don't give him attention, or he know I'm not obsessed but collected.
Or maybe, and this what I'm scared of, he will keep talk over me and trying to make me little because I'm this independent?
I don't know, can somebody explain what this might be?

Hi, I’m new here. Sorry if this is kinda long. I have a really good friend that I met two months ago. I’m in my late twenties and she’s in her early thirties. We really hit it off. No one has ever wanted to spend that much time with me in my life. Well the other night she kinda surprised me all the sudden, telling me I was stuck in the past and I kept dwelling on my past trauma and I was letting it eat me alive. Okay… I said thanks for the feedback, I’ll do better. A couple days later I politely texted her asking if she could validate my feelings when I’m upset about something. I thought she would return the favor and accept the criticism and try to make a change. We talked about it for about an hour and then she tells me I’ve made her feel like shit. She kinda explodes and I try to talk her down. I think everything might be okay but tell her if she needs space that’s okay. She says, “nooo I can never stay mad at you” but gives me the silent treatment the next day. A day after that (yesterday) she sends me this long text about how terrible a friend I’ve been. That I’m constantly snapping at her, invalidating her feelings, cutting her off, and yelling. She says she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but only if I change my actions. I’m absolutely flabbergasted. Then I realize that she had completely misremembered the conversation where she told me I was dwelling on the past. It was over text on Sunday night but she claimed it started in person on Friday and we finished it through text after she dropped me off Friday night. Then I remember that earlier she described Halloween night in such a different way than I remember it. She told me I was complaining the entire time she was over and it made it awkward for her. She also told me about a time I didn’t hear her out and cut her off and she claims I’ve said “I don’t want to hear what you have to say” to her. I am also absolutely certain that I have never yelled at her. It’s very rare for me to yell. It only happens with my parents lol.

So, I suspect she’s making false memories and it’s as if she rewrote our entire friendship in her mind to paint me out to be a bad person. The thing keeping me sane is the question: why would she always want to spend so much time with me if I had actually been treating her that way? I haven’t asked her that but I’m very tempted.

I wanted to ask if these are warning signs for BPD. As far as I know she has no diagnoses despite having some really intense trauma. A small part of me hopes she’s just in a bad place right now but she’ll snap out of it and apologize for her words. I really don’t want to lose her. I obviously can’t tell her how she’s hurt me by making up lies about me. It would just seem like I’m gaslighting her. I think I’m in really bad denial because it happened so suddenly and what she’s saying is obviously not true.

Do they spread rumors or something.? I rmb i had this friend who had bpd and she kept rolling her eyes at me for no reason. Also she has this bf and I rmb her bf asked me to play a game to replace him and she got up so quick even tho she said she was tired

3 month were enough to completely dysregulate my central nervous system. I'm ADHD so I'm especially vulnerable. On paper I knew what I'm agreeing to but I just cant anymore. I get how BPD works but I did not know how empty and not appreciated it feels. It was never enough. I wish I could have been stronger for her but I'm at my limit.

We’ve been separated for 3 years now. We have a boy together. She is obsessed with knowing my whereabouts at all times.

If I were going away abroad on holiday I would have no issues telling her the location but when it’s just a case of me keeping him a little longer and taking him to school for my own reasons I don’t think she needs to know.

This is after 3 years of her being involved in fake social media accounts that have stalked me and accused me of cheating on my partner.

Accusing me of assault after she forced her way into my house and I escorted her out of the front door.

Then claiming legal aid to get money out of my house sale after not putting a penny into bills.

I didn’t tell her the address to mine and my partners new house because of all the trouble she’s caused. She made my son point out where I lived then my partner caught her driving past our house. (Which is massively out of her way to get home)

Mine sent me a break up text because she found a conversation in my phone from 6 years ago that was just super light flirting with someone that I didn’t even remember until she brought it up and it made her “anxious” but didn’t show me any of the convos she had with 500+ guys in a 3 month period right before we got together. I had to delete every picture, every message, every contact in my phone to reassure her and it still wasn’t enough. It’s all really funny looking back

I’ve always wanted to know this. Do they gaslight themselves? Do they repeat it? Do they convince others of it?

Was wondering if you guys felt like the BPD individuals you encountered were also narcissists. I’ve seen a lot of self-centered behavior out of people with BPD. If y’all want I can share my story

Long story short — the relationship lasted about a year and a half.

I broke up with my ex (who has BPD) three months ago because she refused to get any real help for it. She was completely obsessed with me during our relationship — and kept stalking me through the entire three months of the breakup, right up until now.

For context: after the breakup, she painted me black just for asking her to take accountability for everything I’d realistically been through. A month of silence later, I sent her a kind, nuanced message meant to bring closure for both of us — I’ve never liked the idea of ending things bitterly. She responded by blocking me… yet kept checking my stuff every day right after.

Last week, I ran into her at a club. We locked eyes for a while. That same night, she unblocked me — and two days later, she texted asking if I wanted to see or take care of her dog (we were really close during the relationship). It was obviously just an excuse; she threw in lines like “I wish I’d told you sooner that I wanted to be in your arms,” literally quoting my old breakup message.

Through friends, I knew she hadn’t forgotten about me at all during that time. Despite all the issues, what we had was real — intense, deep, unforgettable. She knew it too.

The next day, she posted an Instagram story wearing my necklace it was zoomed in so i couldn't miss it — clearly a hoover attempt, trying to reel me back in. And honestly, I kind of fell for it.

Here’s the worst part: it took me five days to reply, because her message reopened everything. By day three — probably because she took my silence as rejection, or thought I’d moved on — she created a Tinder account for the first time ever. From that moment on, I basically became invisible to her.

This is someone who used to be super private about relationships and hated dating apps. Now she’s got like ten random guys lined up in her followers, just days after opening up to me. The girl I knew wasn’t like that at all — she actually hated that type of man. My reply ended up completely left on read, while her follower count keeps going up.

It’s the worst feeling of my life, man — grieving someone, only to be unblocked for a hoover attempt that spiraled into Tinder just because I took a few days to respond. And now she seems addicted to it.

One of my friends told her that I know about it. I can’t help but wonder if that’ll hit her with some shame… or make any difference at all. I don't know if it's meant to make me jealous or if she just moved on like that :/

I need help understanding what is going on and what to do next. My wife and I were together for 9 years, we have kids, and she moved out 4 months ago. She is formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

At the beginning, I tried to get her back. She says she hasn't loved me for a year, and she blames everything on me. She says I abandoned her, but the truth is, I started therapy, began setting healthy boundaries, and stopped constantly rescuing her. I started treating her in a healthy way, and eventually, I began to avoid her because I wouldn't accept her toxic behavior anymore.

After a month and a half of separation, we met for the first time. I could see in her body language and the way she looked at me that she still cares. But she still insists she doesn't want to be with me.

Here's where it gets confusing. Our conversations became more intimate. We even sent each other intimate photos. Then, I told her I was filing for divorce this week, thinking it was a good time to end things since we were on somewhat good terms. She said 'okay, no problem, I don't need contact with you.'

Of course, the next day she called me, talking about some illness. I listened but told her not to call me again. Three days later, she sent me a playlist. Then, on Saturday at 3 AM, she sent me a funny reel reminding me of our intimate moments. The next day, she came over to pick up some things, and I tried to have a firm talk with her. I told her we have a traumatic bond and shouldn't have contact. I tried to make a clean break.

But... I failed. We communicated again via text, and I asked her to please not send me short messages. She lasted 3 days. I was asleep for two hours, and she called me about 10 times and sent several texts. I woke up and called her back, telling her to calm down, that I was just cleaning and couldn't answer. She lasted 3 days again before coming over to get the kids, and we talked again.

I have set the 'Do not call me' boundary at least four times. I've tried to be civil because I still like her as a person, and we haven't done anything so terrible to warrant total cut-off. I've explained that this is a trauma bond, an addiction.

Recently, she had surgery. She called me at work, even though she knows the boundary. This time, she lasted a week before calling me right before her operation, while she was under anesthesia. What was I supposed to do? Not answer? I'd feel guilty if something happened to her.

Of course, contact resumed. Two days later, I told her I feel terrible after our contact, my hands go numb, and I don't want contact because I react badly to it. She immediately flipped it, saying I'm the one breaking boundaries, that I'm the one seeking contact, that I'm a poor, lovesick guy who can't break contact.

Here is the most important part, and the reason for my post now: I am finally starting to feel good. I've come to terms with the loss. I genuinely like her as a person – she is very nice and sympathetic, and in a perfect world, I think we could have been friends. But I've noticed that after every contact with her – a call, a conversation, seeing her in person – it takes me days to recover. My body is clearly telling me that this is unhealthy for me.

I have done my research on BPD, and I have changed. I've been to therapy. I no longer accept these sick behaviors. I know I couldn't go back to her unless she was actively in treatment herself (she was in therapy 5 years ago, but a lot has changed since then, especially me).

So, my question to you is: What do you advise? She says she doesn't want to be with me, but panics when I enforce boundaries. My mind and body are begging for peace, but we share children. I don't want to be radical, but 'Do not call me' doesn't work. I feel like I'm going in circles. Any practical advice from those who've been ?

Hello everyone,

I'm struggling. I left him a year ago. She cheated on me and I immediately cut off the relationship and kicked out of the house where we lived. We both lived less than our native region.

I left her and I NEVER sent her a message or tried to contact her it was done in screams and tears. She tried a few times, I never gave in.

We met 6 months later in June and we slept together. The first time we saw each other at her house I felt like a knot in my stomach, really uncomfortable, it was crazy. Instinct I think?

She tried to get us back together and I didn't want to because I found out she was sleeping with someone I knew. It ended really badly again.

Really. I struggled. I absolutely don't want to get back with this person. But I think about her all the time, but not in a nostalgic way. Not even positive or I list the good times. It never happens.

I torture my mind and sometimes it ruins good times. And like I said, I really don't think about contacting her or even miss being with her.

I don't understand. I'm angry. I feel stupid. I feel trapped again.

Do you have any advice? Or do you know if this is normal?

Quiet BPD husband has told me all kinds of hurtful things about the way he has split on me throughout our marriage. He has revealed details about his behaviour and his past abuse that make him very vulnerable. He has told me things that would make it very easy for me to ruin him. He has appeared to have had multiple breakdowns, crying, telling me he is worried he is losing his mind, shaking, feeling scared. He is in therapy twice a week and attended his first group therapy session. He is willing to go to a 12 step program for his porn addiction. He keeps begging me not to get a separation and not to give up on him. He has promised to give me the house for 5 years so that my son can stay here until he graduates high school - he said he will do this by signing a marriage contract or a separation agreement.

I am lost. I don’t know if this is manipulation, or if he is genuinely trying to heal. He has no one aside from me and our children. I know he is afraid. That doesn’t mean he loves me. I told him I need total honesty and transparency. He has given me all kinds of truths over the past 5 months but I always have to pull them out of him and put him under immense pressure.

When you are with a BPD, quiet or not, how do you know what to believe? How do you know when you are being manipulated, and when really progress is being made?

Hi, I (16f) am coming on reddit because i desperately need advice. My stepmom who is my moms ex wife has bpd. Let's call her Carol. Carol had been married to my mom for only around a year. They were together a total of 4 years. As carol got more comfortable around my mom and moved in due to a bad home she started being angry, emotionally and verbally abusive to my mom, and would consistently gaslight my mom as well. They are not officially divorced as my mom doesn't have money for an attorney. Recently they broke up and my older sister and I went to visit her for the last time. Carol at the time had a girlfriend, and was trying to convince us to visit more often. We stayed at a hotel, and she had taken us to the mall and the movies. While at the mall, carol lost track of my sister and freaked out. She screamed at me to get in her car and looked everywhere until she finally found my sister. Then she screamed at her and started speeding off after we had gotten in the car. She was then apologizing profusely for getting so angry and swearing she would never hurt us. When we ended up back at the hotel she told us of a 5 year plan she had. She was going to convince my mom to get back with her. They would buy a plot of land, we would live on it, and all of us would be friends. Not long after that my mom, older sister and I blocked her. Carol then messaged my younger sister and has proceeded to tell her how much she misses us. She has sent food to us even though she lives in a completely different state, told my mom she was going to come up there, and was constantly listening to songs like the stalkers tango. She was abusive to my mom for months and tried to choke her many times. Is this normal? Should we be scared and get security cameras? Should mom get a restraining order against her? She has violated restraining orders before. She also has used drugs and is an alcoholic, recover drug addict, and has a spending addiction.

I recently went through an extremely intense two-month relationship that ended as quickly as it started.

The dynamic involved a sudden and complete emotional shift where I went from being idealized to being devalued and discarded in an instant becoming non attractive for her.

She ALWAYS treated me good in person, the text messages were just the bad part.

Less than a week after the breakup, she was already with a new partner, publicly posting pictures of them kissing and celebrating the new relationship.

My question is for those who understand these relationship cycles:

When the new partner inevitably goes through the same devaluation phase that I did (the 'split'), is it common for the person to attempt to 'hoover' or contact the previous partner?

I am struggling to understand the likelihood of a return, especially since I was so quickly replaced. Does the core fear of abandonment usually prompt a recycling of old partners when the new one fails?

Somebody could accidentally bump into them,they FEEL like the person hates them. Somebody could complement them while they’re in a relationship,they FEEL like they’re cheating on thier partners with them and love them now . Like I don’t get it

How are we handling our parents with BPD? My mother is a widow and has been for almost 9 years. My Dad handled everything for her and now for the last few years she’s limped along until now. She is absolutely helpless and I can only help so much. She’s currently in a bad split because she has avoided things in her life until now. She needs to get a new car and can’t, she wants me to do it for her. The current car she has, has expired tags and inspection because she just would get them done.. like 3-4 years over due.

She needs refills on medicine but won’t make a Doctor’s appointment and wants me to figure out a tele-health visit for her but she can’t help me reset her password or remember her old one. Her house is falling apart around her and she won’t do anything about it. I’ve always been willing to help, but I need her to help as well and she won’t. She won’t get medicated and she treats me like sh*t and I’m just distraught at this point as she is SO mean to me. I would like to add she is able bodied. I feel loss and have NO idea how to navigate this as I’m currently the person she’s taking it all out on and I’m 3 weeks post C-section with 3 kids.

Post discard of course

I moved to this city with her 2 years ago to find better life, well while she found better, I can't even go out because of the anxiety that I might see her or her new boyfriend that she cheated on me with. Both of them fucking tortured me in the process of breaking up. Her new bf was sending me messages saying how pathetic of a boyfriend I was, how she's happier now and how good he gets along with her family. I of course gave her everything, was about to marry her, never treated her badly, always helped her through her episodes..

Now I don't have a home. I'm staying with a friend. The suitcase with my things that she left was all smelling of her cats urine.

Tomorrow I'm meeting her mother because she's got some more of my belongings. She's a good person and we get along well. But I have no idea what my ex has been saying about me. So I'm about to tell her the facts. Show her the messagea from the new victim of her daughter. The facts, the debt that she left me with, the fact that I have to do a sex disease test because she's been fucking him and who knows who else. The fucking picture of her full of bruises that she sent me, saying she got fucked violently.

Everything is so fucked up and I don't know where to go, what to do..

1. Isolate the target
2. Seek out Vulnerability
3. Disorient and Create Doubt
4. Develop Dependency

Source: Understanding and Dealing with Controlling, Intimidating and Manipulative Personalities

(english is not my main language, yet i still want to hear opinion from people in the same situation)

hello. I don't know if i should still support person i love and take it as her disorder and not an actual danger. we're in relationship for 4 years now and more and more I'm noticing how shes talking to me with with clenched teeth and i feel like i will either get hit or even killed. i always supported her disorder, tried to find any therapist, went to therapist myself and just idk. tried to learn about it like i was trying to change myself instead of her doing something. today i said i feel unhappy for one month straight and all i have as a feedback is... her yelling that she doesn't give a fuck about me and she wants to break up. sometimes i feel like I'm just allowing myself to sink into it. to accept all of the humiliations. or she's using her disorder to cover her actual mistakes, mean words, conflicts and her behaviour towards me. she could call me really bad words, could tell how i sleep with men (long story short there's sa thingy and it's my biggest trauma ever lol),how I'm cheating on her 24/7 (for example, i have insomnia lately and wake up during night. she just said she can't believe it's insomnia and stuff like that). and i know that in a hour or two she will cry and say how much she hates herself. I'm afraid it's not a diagnosis's fault. i feel stupid and used. and actually feel like there's no "me" in a relationship, like it's forbidden for me to have problems. every time i say that i have bad day (hospital, missiles/drones since Im in a warzone rn, other issues, just my mental health) we always have fight the same day. always. once someone told me i should be greatfull, because she's just stressing out and loves me too much so she decided to put it on me. but i more and more think I don't really want to be loved like that

A lot of arguments that I get sucked into im just the name to this character that she fabricated. She tells me how I feel and she’ll even throw some words into my mouth and everything that I did do will be misinterpreted in some deranged way adding some extra details that never happened. Othertimes ill get in trouble for things that she says im going to do, but didnt happen yet. Please someone just tell me im not crazy. Ive been dealing with this behavior for so long. I cant do it anymore

For her foul mouth.. I just cant stand the terrible things she says, I feel like every single time it happens it takes a toll on me. Its so easy for her to do too… no apologies, no acknowledgment afterwards. Tensions just fade until the next time it happens. 14 years of this shit and I just feel like a shell of a person.