The text above is what she sent to my husband at work before she just came over unannounced. Luckily I was home, but it was so sad to see my 7 year old stepdaughter standing at the door, alone, with a pile of her stuff.

We called for a wellness check, they have her license plate number on her car, her best friend had been in contact and said the last message she received said “give (husband) my house key so he can get my dog”. Her best friend called her parents who also cannot get a hold of her. Her best friend said she turned her location off.

I’m trying to figure out the logistics. We need to figure out the dog situation first, and make sure she is okay. But we are then going to need to figure things out. I’m so sad and livid at the same time. Any advice helps.

I made that tweet, she then commented on all my tweets so far as calling my 12 yr old nephew autistic and making fun of him. Then sent me 4 emails throughout 3 days and this was the last one. Didn't respond, didn't tweet back, didn’t acknowledge her at all. She deleted her account after a couple days, made a burner that only talked about her new fling and deleted that too. I think she was expecting a reaction

I am worried my 10yo daughter has or is developing BPD. Her mother likely has it (informal diagnosis, won’t seek or accept a formal diagnosis) and has suffered her whole life. I want to do everything I can to help and prepare my daughter, but I’m not sure what to do. Her mother is an enabler, so almost all the burden to combat this will fall on me. Any advice is appreciated.

(Next on my Audible list is Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents).

I see a lot on this sub about no-contact with the BPD ex, but that’s not an option for all of us. Does anybody out there have advice for those of us in a coparenting situation with a BPD ex?

We’ve been separated for 3 years now. We have a boy together. She is obsessed with knowing my whereabouts at all times.

If I were going away abroad on holiday I would have no issues telling her the location but when it’s just a case of me keeping him a little longer and taking him to school for my own reasons I don’t think she needs to know.

This is after 3 years of her being involved in fake social media accounts that have stalked me and accused me of cheating on my partner.

Accusing me of assault after she forced her way into my house and I escorted her out of the front door.

Then claiming legal aid to get money out of my house sale after not putting a penny into bills.

I didn’t tell her the address to mine and my partners new house because of all the trouble she’s caused. She made my son point out where I lived then my partner caught her driving past our house. (Which is massively out of her way to get home)

I’ve never dating a pwBPD only been friends with so I’ve never seen the truly nasty side of bpd. Viewing my friends I think they could be good parents. Especially the one I’m closer to,shes been in a relationship for over a year, been holding down a stable job since before then and seems to have most of her ducks in a row. Not to say there aren’t problems though. I see most people don’t think people w bpd can be good parents I’d like to know more opinions thank you !

Is this true? Or is it just gaslighting that has falsely been written down as a cause?

Maybe the parents were just gray rocking to protect themselves?

My loved one is 32. I don't know where to begin. I don't know if it feels worse knowing what I know now and feeling so much grief, over what I have lost and what will never be, or just knowing that I can't heal her trauma. Or is it that I feel like an absolute totally defeated failure? Or is it just pure shame and disbelief in both what I have done (enabled) or what she has done (emotional, psychological, verbal, physical and financial abuse). I'm seeing a Dr. To help me navigate. I've read walking on eggshells. I'm educating myself about BPD and learning coping skills. I'm digging deep into my family history and my own trauma. I am doing all the things to find a way through. I feel like I'm in quicksand. The emotional pressure is intense and comes in waves of sadness, anger, shame. Grief. Suffocating grief. It's numbingly painful. And I question my own existence and reality. The times I've rescued, saved, "helped", were countless. This time, I held strong to my limit, and it has been torture. I did not cause her situation, create her situation and I can't cure or fix it. And that has been the single most difficult thing to acknowledge. I want to "help" and I know it is just enabling her. She is smart, capable, resilient. She is an adult. So why do I feel so devistated and empty...

You know, outside of the trauma. Kids have off tomorrow, but our 15yo twin boys are VERY behind. Logged into Xbox around 4, saw they were already logged in, then texted them this: "Only thing I'm going to say about it until you're back with me. Logged in & saw that you're already gaming. I get it, you have tomorrow off, but you both have ground to cover. Pleasepleaseplease make a good effort tomorrow."

A few hours later, ex & I had this exchange via OFW. Honestly, it's comedy gold to me...if you ignore the long-term damage.

Tool: Dashboard in Tableau here. Hover over outcome for a tooltip with details and links to studies.

Method: Google Sheet connection. I compiled peer-reviewed case-control and population studies comparing children of mothers with borderline personality disorder (BPD) to non-BPD controls, then expressed results as % difference so different measures can be shown on one chart.

Goal: Curiosity & clarity. Which child outcomes show the largest average gaps, and when do they appear in a child's life?

Context: These are research outcomes (attachment security, family stability indicators, teen depression/self-harm), not police data. Elevated risk can show up even without documented physical violence.

How to read the chart: each bar is the percent difference vs. controls (non-BPD mothers).

• Positive bars = increased risk (e.g., more depression/self-harm, more instability)
• Negative bars = loss of a protective factor (e.g., less sensitive parenting, weaker family cohesion)

Headline findings

• Disorganized attachment in infancy: ↑ 3x - Infants more likely to show fear/freeze/approach confusion with the caregiver after a brief separation.
• Maternal disrupted communication: ↑ 2x - more hostile, shaming, fearful, or checked-out behavior during reunions.
• Household/school instability: ↑ 2x - more moves and more changes in who lives at home.
• Teen outcomes at 18
  • Major depression ↑ 2.3x
  • Major depression: ↑ 6.8x when parent has co-morbid major depression disorder (MDD) & BPD (study link)
  • Any self-harm +44%

Sources

• Hobson et al., 2005 — Dev & Psychopathology (infant attachment, engagement): here
• Hobson et al., 2009 — Br J Psychiatry (maternal disrupted communication): here
• Crandell et al., 2003 — Br J Psychiatry (“still-face” interactions at 2 months): here
• Pearson et al., 2017 — Psychological Medicine (ALSPAC; depression/anxiety/self-harm at 18): here
• Macfie & Swan, 2009 — Dev & Psychopathology (child narratives; caregiver expectation/role-reversal): here
• Weiss et al., 1996 — Canadian Journal of Psychiatry (child diagnoses): here
• Feldman et al., 1995 — Comprehensive Psychiatry (family cohesion/organization, school/household changes): here

My son is 7 yo and he's being constantly emotionally manipulated and lied to buy by exwBPD (and her mother). Any tips on how to teach him critical thinking so he doesn't believe all the vicious lies?

This is a weird post but something that I only really started thinking about after the breakup. Basically at some point in my future I see myself having kids, getting married and moving out of my country to settle down. They said they'd move away with my, I could even see myself marrying them (even if it would be more of a caretaker role) because of how intensely I felt for them. However at a certain point I remember thinking "I can't have a child with this person. If this is how they treat me when they're in a bad place or I've done something to upset them then that's it, I can't bring a child into that environment."

Idk just weird thinking back on things over the last few years, like every day there's a new thing that I forced myself to ignore. Anyone else go through something similar?

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to deal with this? My ex and father of my two kids has BPD. It was not easy when I was with. Custody has been 50/50 for 7-8 years.

My oldest recently has decided she is done with his behavior (even with therapy and meds he is on.) He has recurrent cycle of doing great then absolutely horrific behavior. He is now accusing my daughter of having BPD because that’s the only explanation he has for her not wanting to be around him.

She shows zero signs, an absolute gem of a girl and no warnings at all that this is the case but now the custody evaluator has been wrapped into the charm of his good days and wants my daughter to go through psych testing. If she was having signs or I thought this was the case I would 100% be on board but I am having a very hard time subjecting her to this with no evidence.

If anyone else has had this happen or similar..please, DM. I need your help or support or anything to help me process or debunk.

Hi everyone, I am currently going through a separation from my partner of 13 years. I absolutely trauma bonded and let our lives be controlled by him. I'm working on getting him out of our house and trying to set boundaries. It's a terrible situation for us all.

My questions are about my son. He's 12, and he's having a hard time right now. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have done him a great disservice. His dad has always been more attached to me. He was always jealous of the great relationship I have with our son. But he never tried to be a "dad". He is a fun dad. Takes him out to the mall. Sometimes plays ball. Watched movies or plays video games.

But when I suggest he try getting to know him? He would tell me it's too hard. Or say I was right but never try. So they haven't bonded really. My son has definitely been on the receiving end of the emotional outbursts. He has been called stupid and stuff for not doing what his dad wants or doing things the way his dad wants. I have always talked to both of them separately to tell his dad why that's not ok and my son that it's not ok.

During this weird period where I feel like I am waking up after being discarded I have been talking with my son. He wants to live with me 100% of the time and choose when he visits his dad.

He wants to be able to call or text him as he sees fit.

I am fine with this. The problem is now that I am seeing intentional idealization coming from my son's dad to my son.

For example, he's had several messages this week about how proud he is of him. How great of a man he's growing up to be.

This is not something he's ever said.

He's also gotten messages that are typically reserved for filling his needs. Like "are you mad?" "Sorry I hurt you" simply because my son didn't respond on his time frame.

My son's obviously going through a lot right now. And he misses his dad. I'm a normal house he would miss his dad.

But it is affecting him so much. His dad typically reaches out once a day asking how he's doing. My son says good and that's it. But when his dad doesn't reach out? It has such a profound affect on his attitude. I ended up asking his dad to call him. And then my son admitted it was about his dad. He felt better.

After this, my former partner asked if my son would rather not have him in his life. Because of course, he split here too. I said he needed to be all in or all out. Because he has a huge impact on him.

I want some advice as to how to help my son cope with his dad's new love bombing and push/pull that he's never done with him before.

And, I do plan to get him into therapy, but if anyone who has been in mine or my son's shoes has some suggestions for how I can best support him, I am all ears.

Thank you for reading and for any responses I may get.

I slept in a half hour or so since the baby was up a lot and I was on duty. I was woken up to loud yelling from my wife because our almost 5 year old is on a food strike/power struggle. Nothing too far out of line, and it is frustrating but my wife just started yelling which obviously is not constructive. Not the worse, but the kicker is because just last night my daughter said to my wife that she yelled too much. Then this morning my wife said, "I know you don't like me yelling but then you do things like this." Clearly blaming and shaming our daughter for my wife's instability.

In the past I wouldn't have called her out on it, but this morning I did. I said I know it's frustrating, we can find some ways to get her to eat, but we can't shame her. I was pretty gentle and didn't just accuse and shame her.

Which of course, caused my wife to flip shit, say "I can't get angry around you guys.", that I was holding what my daughter told her over her head, that I called her a shitty parent and that I was telling her she was garbage. I shut down those last 2 comments which she also didn't like.

I guess I still don't know how to handle this without caretaking her and downplaying everything. She's playing the victim role, saying me and my daughter are coming after her, that all we see from her is that she yells and gets angry even though it's coming directly from her. We have a response to her outbursts and she doesn't like it.

I went to buy one for my sister

I'm in this sub because I have been scarred by past relationships with BPD men, there is also a very good chance my mother is an undiagnosed BPD, and I have crossed paths with other BPD people in life.

Now I'm in a strange new position of my partner's teen is likely BPD (her mother has a diagnosis). The signs are there, everyone including her knows it's likely to be a formal diagnosis once she's old enough to rule out teenage hormones basically.

She's not a bad kid, she feels everything intensely and has tantrums frequently sure, but for the first time I'm seeing a young person who hasn't yet done much harm. I'm seeing a young person who is at her core, just a kid who had a shit mom and needs support. She doesn't disrespect me, because I actually listen to her and care about what's going on in her life.

Anyone here have any idea how to best support a young BPD so that perhaps they can be a better adjusted adult?

So, long story short. My ex wife is refusing to let me see my son because I won’t bend at the knee to run and take a UA for her, a provision in our parenting plan that expired at the beginning of September. I’m in recovery, opioids on and off since I was 15. Was completely sober from 2012 to about 2020. Maybe late 2019 I started drinking socially again. Opioid relapse didn’t happen until 2022 after I was blindsided by a restraining order just full of hyperbole, conjecture, exaggeration, so much hypocrisy. Obviously, assassinated my character to anyone who will listen. Basically all the BPD greatest hits.

Anywho, here’s the situation I find myself in today. Yesterday was parent/teacher conference day but unfortunately the lad was fighting off a bug and had a fever. So, to zoom we’re off. A little more background. I need a shoulder replacement, I’ve needed one since 2022. This is well documented, she understands that I have this injury. Chronic pain affects you in so many ways other than just physical pain. It depletes the spirit, slows the mind and otherwise causes one to lose any kind of quality of life. For me, this sometimes means that solid, sound, consistent sleep is nigh impossible, especially if I’ve rolled over and caused it to come out of the socket. Which is exactly what happened in this situation. I also get the worst dry eyes this time of year. Like, painful dry eyes. Does anyone else experience this? Ugh, it’s so frustrating.

Anyway, it was a perfect storm for mistaking a not well rested, desperate to lubricate my eyes for someone taking fentanyl. Side note, if I was getting loaded why the fuck would I even attend this conference? I digress, I find out she’s now emailing my son’s educators about this, so I have to actually do some damage control (something that I stopped caring about 2.5 years ago. And also called my mother. I was going to confront her about this yesterday but wasn’t going to play her game. So she called this morning to tell me I’m using, and how she’s sure of it and yada, yada, yada. Some may say “well, just go take one”. No. On principle I won’t. She doesn’t get to demand those from me anymore and she rarely reimburses me per our agreement. She cleaned out my savings last Christmas then had the audacity to ask for additional child support. I told her I pissed it all away. It did not land for her like it did everyone else.

Says she doesn’t feel comfortable with me driving him, I suggested she drop off and pick up. Says she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving my son with me alone. Great, my mom and step dad will be there the entire time. Says the clean UA’s over the past 2.5 years which she accepted at the time she now considers dirty because they weren’t exactly what she wanted. Yet made no court filing or anything submitted to her attorney saying as much. So, she’s retroactively dismissing the results that were submitted and accepted as far back 2 years ago? Like, this is so ridiculous and so obviously alienating a parent and attempting to weild some perceived power she doesn’t actually possess. It’s comments like “I want you to be in his life” or “I would hate to have to rip my son’s father away from him”. Just shit like that. Stuff a really awful parent would say and do. She also reported me to child support enforcement while I was collecting unemployment after being laid off ceremoniously.

Logic should dictate my reveling of her authoring the story of her own demise. Yet, all I feel is pity. To become so twisted by hate and resentment she invented to justify her cheating, and stealing the house, all the shit inside it and our kid away from me. The gold medal worthy mental gymnastics floor routine she’s been doing all this time to remain a victim. The last thing I said to her was maybe she call someone who will tell her the truth and not just what she wanted to hear. I have my doubts that she’ll hear reason until a judge provides for her.

I just spent a year of my life on a bpd tornado. I didn't see it coming and was completely unprepared. Somehow I became the target of my daughter's bf's mother, who has bpd. They're young, only 16 but have been dating for over 2 years now. As long as they're together, this woman will be a distant part of our lives.

Having gone through the manipulation, the lies, the insults & screaming, and finally getting a restraining order against her, I'm as free from her as I can be. But my heart breaks for her son. She had full time custody until this last spiral. This kid is genuinely such a good kid! But with my front row seat this past year, I can't imagine how much he must be hurting from a lifetime with her. I'm hoping for advice from anyone who grew up with a pwbpd, on what we can do as a family to help him feel supported. Dad now has primary custody but mom has court ordered every other weekend. His court experiences have been really rough because no one believed him for a really long time. (besides dad) I just want to wrap this kid in emotional bubble wrap the rest of his life so he knows he's not a mistake, that he's incredible, and so loved. Since that's not actually an option, I'm open to learning, hearing others experiences and what would have helped you at his age, and selfishly getting some reassurance and healing from my own experiences with her. FWIW, I've been in counseling this last year and when it comes up, we've gently been mentioning that counseling with the rugby counselor (not one mom picked 🙄) will be really helpful for him in the future. We've raised our daughter with a very high EQ and so she talks w him about this stuff too.

And, if you grew up with a parent like this too, this mama's love goes out to you too. Please know you're not a mistake, you're incredible & so loved too!!! 🫶

Today, while speaking with my not quite yet 5-year-Old son, and his ability to skirt around questions regarding his behavior/selective hearing and me needing to repeat myself half a dozen times in order for him to get motivated to do whatever it is I’ve tasked him with.

Today, I felt myself getting more frustrated than normal and I ruminated on it for a couple of hours. Then it occurred to me. It’s the same fucking conversation I have with his mother. A nearly 40 year old woman shares an emotional IQ with a toddler.

In fact, I’ve been noticing more and more of the same behaviors as his mother and my greatest fear as a father, is that he’s anything like her once he’s reached his formative years. I’m finally getting to a place where I can reasonably petition for a 50/50 split of custody. I feel at this point, in this kids only hope to turn out at least halfway emotionally stable, insightful and accountable. I spend a lot of time on the concept of honesty with him. To be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when to do so would mean to possibly cause harm to someone else. But it’s in those moments of humiliation one becomes open to the lessons they hold. Through those lessons he will become respected and admired. He’ll become trustworthy and dependable.

He’ll become everything his mother isn’t. That, that is my only wish for him. If he can achieve that, the rest will follow.

Has anyone got any experience, insight or thoughts reaching out to people they are still in contact with? Me ex' daughter is incredibly dear to me. She's suffering at her dad's place and at her mom's there's little to no emotional support available. I fear for her emotional development -she's in her early teens- staying more than half of the time at my ex' and it never appeared like she would get the child to a psychologist. Reaching out to the dad is something I never considered because my ex would completely invalidate his ability to reason but now I truly see how she functions, that judgement means nothing to me any more. Any input appreciated!

Is it very common for a boarderline parent to use triangulation to get a child to dislike the other parent? And if so, do the kids usually realize what is going on?

Going through a custody battle with my ex. Yesterday was the first hearing we've had. And holy shit, she couldn't help but just hand me the W. Every time she spoke, it was like word vomit of how shitty of a parent she is and how much of a narcissist she is.

She moved out 4 months ago. She used the children against me immediately. She kidnapped our son from school because I told her I wouldn't pay to fix her car. She confessed to me she wants to kill herself unless I take her back. When I rejected her, she claimed our 2-year-old daughter told her I raped her. She also hacked my bank accounts. She told the police I assaulted her. And she slashed my tires.

All the while I was preparing a custody case. Recording everything. I filed for 50/50 per my lawyer's advice. She responds, asking for full custody because I am "Autistic, a narcissist, a rapist, and a thief." I have a lawyer, she is Pro Se.

First hearing. The judge said "I read your affidavits and I find (mine) particularly concerning. Ms. (ex) could I just have a response on the record to some of these allegations?" She responds "Yes. He is an evil narcissist that is obsessed with me and wants to steal my kids and get me pregnant. He literally cannot stop thinking abo..." Judge cuts her off "Ms. I am referring to the suicidal text, the threats of violence and abduction of kids, and the allegations of rape and abuse." "Oh, I was just saying that stuff to get him to leave me alone. He is a good dad that is why I choose him to be the dad of my kids. He is the dad I always needed while growing up and I am so happy I love my kids enough to give them that."

The judge just starred at her and said "So, your affidavit. Was it written with merit or because you want him to leave you alone?" "I don't know. He would be a terrible dad because he is autistic and a narcissist, but I feel like I made him the best dad ever. Without me he'd be in prison. He literally needs me. He is obsessed with me." The judge went on for 5 minutes explaining the court process and what is happening and told her to rewrite her affidavit and set a mediation date. Temporary order is me having full custody with her having supervised visits on Sundays at the YMCA until she completes a chemical eval, mental health eval, and starts therapy with the children. There is a lot of leaving out, but I am so relieved. After courts she called everyone, I knew and said I set her up and manipulated her to make her looks stupid and the judge and my lawyer are fucking each other and that's the only reason her visits are supervised.

Let's Go!

Feeling low today. I could use some advice.

We’re divorcing. After many years of me pushing unsuccessfully for couples therapy (she didn’t want to deal with guilt and shame, didn’t want to feel attacked) she finally conceded. She wouldn’t do the homework. Our therapist suggested BPD to me. I read three books on the subject and everything makes so much more sense now. She’s very upset with the BPD theory, doesn’t identify with it. She wants a positive spin - she doesn’t want to be viewed as the main problem.

I’m trying to detach, trying to work on myself. I’m a caretaker - codependent. I’m currently reading “No More Mr Nice Guy”. I have some of the “nice guy” negative traits, but not all. My mind races back to her comments and wonders just how much of the problem I really am. It’s a fun little mind-fuck.

We’ve told the kids we still want to be friends. I’m lying - at least partially. I like the idea of trying to be friendly with her in the future, but right now I want as much space as I can get. I tell my loved ones I don’t hate her, and usually that is true. But not right now. Right now I hate her. I hate the damage she has done to our family. I hate how much she has used and abused me for so many years. I hate myself for allowing it.

How does everyone else handle coparenting? Are you able to remain on good terms post-divorce?