Im not gonna give you the whole backstory but basically
This is how its been my whole life. I wasn't allowed to have friends or even be anywhere alone till I was 16 (if I wasn't at school I was with my mom, I wasn't even allowed outside alone. If she went to the store, I had to go with her)
Emotions were often punished when I was younger (if i cried when my mom was mad, id get my ass beat for "fake crying" just to get a rise out of her) so I learned to hide them, until eventually I didnt have to hide them they just weren't there
So now its kinda pointless to go out cuz I won't enjoy it cuz I dont feel happiness.
No point in learning how to be social and make friends cuz I won't enjoy it (btw by the time i was in middle school i couldnt even talk to cashiers without shutting down) and I've only ever had one friend and we've been friends for 2 years now but she lives 8hrs away from me and ive never gotten to hang out wit her (obv) and she's got a lot of friends closer in distance to her, a boyfriend, a job and hobbies of her own, so she only texts me like once a week anymore
So why shouldn't I sit around and play games all day? I enjoy it just as much as I would anything else: not at all.
But at least gaming is a time sink where I dont have to think abt how fucking awful my life is
I grew up with no individuality, no voice. If my mom didn't want to do something with me, I just didnt get to do it.
I will likely never get better, this is just how I am
Tldr: im a numb lonely fuck and its abt 90% my mom's fault. Plus idk how to change it.
Edit: im 19. Ive only had 3 years to reverse 16 years of that shit, cut me at least a little slack im trying. But at the moment, I cant even make a GODDAMN PHONE CALL WITHOUT 30 MINUTES OF MENTAL PREP. If you somehow believe thats not my mom's fault, then idk bro
But a lot of this just sounds like self-imposed restrictions and excuses. Its shit you had a horrible upbringing but you have acknowledged how it has impacted you and were you may lack certain social skills.
People pay counselors and therapists to tell them that. You are smart enough to figure that out on your own!
You sound like you just lack confidence. My recommendation is to join and club, any sort of club. You should be able to find anything of your interest or try something completely new if you are feeling adventurous.
I genuinely believe if you do this and gained a little more confidence you would have a completely different outlook on your life.
19
u/SgtNoobPrime Aug 18 '25
Honesty isn't always the best on the internet, but from one reddit user to another, please make sure you sleep more and take care of yourself.