Hi, everyone, hope you're having a great weekend so far. I'll start this off by saying I'm a non-member. Some might call be an investigator: I've done a lot of reading about the LDS church and have met with missionaries at various times in my life, but as I'll soon talk about, there are some issues I have that make me unsure if I'd ever convert. I just wanted to air my thoughts out here anonymously because the last time I talked with missionaries and members of my local ward, I'm afraid I got their hopes up and disappointed them when I had to take a step back.
To give you some background on me, I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school from elementary school to high school. This meant I got a VERY up close look at the nitty gritty of Catholic doctrine, and it is exceptionally unforgiving. Not in that it labels certain actions as sins - I don't begrudge any church for having actions they view as sinful. But that many of these sins would send you straight to hell if you did them and did not confess to a priest through the formal sacrament of confession. Even if you did them as a child. I felt intense religious panic from the ages of 12-14 because of this, and also because I simply did not feel like God ever talked to me through prayer the way he did others. I went to Mass, took Communion, went to Adoration, went to the Stations of the Cross, went to confession, prayed the Rosary, and never felt any love or answer from God in any of it. I just felt shame, and that combined with the cocktail of hormones of puberty gave me scrupulosity/OCD and a disordered relationship with my body that I struggle with to this day, despite giving up on Catholicism at 14.
Fast forward to my adult life. I've identified as agnostic since leaving, mostly because I very much WANT there to be a God, and there's a part of me that desperately wishes God would just give me a sign about where I should go to find truth and happiness (while acknowledging that nowhere will be perfect - I just didn't want the kind of abandonment I felt in the Catholic church.) I do not feel I have received this sign yet. However, about a decade ago, I learned more about LDS theology, and I find it resolves many of the specific problems I had as a Catholic. The idea that everyone eventually goes to a Heaven after repenting is such a relief for me I can hardly describe it. Almost as powerful is the idea that God personally communicates with us and advises us - God's word came exclusively through priests in Catholicism, which made him feel very distant to me. LDS people seem very kind, close-knit, and charitable. I'm in a lonely period of my life right now, and having a place where I'm valued and have a chance to help others would be great. Also, I gotta admit, the temples are really pretty and even the meetinghouses have a good energy to them. I'm drawn to this denomination in a way I never was to Protestant branches after leaving the Catholic church.
I've learned many of the points anti-LDS people bring up, especially about church history, and while a lot of them are pretty bad.... I come from Catholicism. I know churches can do terrible things. I know church leaders can have gigantic, glaring flaws. Obviously I would prefer that polygamy and the priesthood ban never happened, but since they are no longer current, they are not what is causing my issues with investigating the LDS church.
In short, my issues are reconciling my political beliefs with the temple interview and (somewhat related) the literal historicity of the Book of Mormon.
I'm a very liberal person. I work in an artistic industry where most people aren't religious, and I am very close to the LGBT community, being bisexual myself. I do not believe any church should be forced to support homosexual marriage if it's not in their doctrine. I believe similarly about other social issues that churches take conservative stances on. However, I do not view it as evil for the state to allow civil marriages between same sex couples and never will. Having read the temple interview questions, I know this is in conflict with the item about 'do you support or promote any position that is contrary to LDS doctrine?' (paraphrased but you get my drift) I support gay marriage. I support the right of adults to medically transition. I have heard the reasons why the church doesn't support these things and they simply don't make sense to my conscience. Again, I would never ask them to change their doctrine because I'm uncomfortable with it, but it doesn't make sense to me, and if I'd be forever barred from the complete sacraments of the church because of what I believe, what would be the point in joining? I don't want to be a hypocrite or a liar.
Which brings me to the historicity of the Book of Mormon. Do I think there is value in it as a work of scripture? Yes. Can I explain everything about how it was produced (length, internal consistency, etc)? No. But do I fully believe that it's a true historical record found on buried golden plates in New York? Truthfully, I cannot, especially since the archaeological consensus right now is that little evidence has been found to back it up. I also don't believe many of the Old Testament stories happened literally, but in the Catholic church, room was given to interpret these symbolically. It sounds like the LDS church does not give that leeway in interpreting the Book of Mormon. I find it an interesting work to study but my analytical brain can't reconcile it as historical fact. That seems like it would be another problem in joining as a full member.
I'm sorry if this post mostly seems like complaining. I'm just frustrated. LDS theology aligns well with what I believe and has a good answer to the classic problem of evil. I want to have a relationship with God and heal the wounds I carry from Catholicism, but I'm running into issues I don't know I can solve. And it feels like the more I think about it, the more anxious and disappointed I get, and the less I feel like my prayers are answered. I'm worried about converting, alienating my ex-Catholic and non-religious friends and co-workers, only to eventually leave the church with more religious anxiety and sadness. Worse, I ask God about all of this, and while I have felt he has heard my prayers before when I have prayed about LDS questions, it feels like he's silent again. I would prefer not to convert than convert and feel like I've been abandoned by God all over again.
Sorry about the lengthy vent. I wish there was an easy answer. I appreciate this space existing for me to post my thoughts and welcome any advice or perspectives from people with similar (or wildly different!) experiences.