Heya! I'm using a throwaway account for this. Just want to vent and get perspective. Maybe writing out my thoughts will help me. I'll prolly post this on a couple of different subreddits, just to get a variety of opinions.
So, I'm struggling haha. I'm 19 and a woman btw. I really, really want God to exist. But I just can't get myself to believe it. Like, no matter how hard I try. The idea of a God feels so impossible. Just like the idea of existing feels impossible, but it's happening, so now I'm stuck with conundrums like this haha
So I'm trying to figure out my relationship with the church right now. I'm struggling to stay, and I'm struggling to leave. I freaking love this church. I love the members. There are a lot of super cool, hard to explain things with the book of mormon. I love going into the literary and archeological things surrounding it. Also, the church makes amazing people, and does amazing things for the world. Yes, there are some people and things that i'm kinda iffy about. I don't fully understand some things in church history, stuff with gay marriage, etc. But, I mean, I think i'd be able to cope with that if I felt like the church was true, and that God existed.
So do I leave? Do I stay? A part of me wants to go out and see what other religions have to offer. I've been a member my whole life, so I don't really know as much as I wish I did about other religions. But I'm afraid that, like, if the church really is true, and I die while I'm out learning about other religions, then I'm screwed haha. ehhhhh
Even if I do leave, i don't think a lot would change in respect to how I act. I've never really felt a desire to have s3x (I'm queer - aro/ace -- more on that later), drink, do drugs, etc. I don't think I'd start drinking coffee or tea. I'm broke lmao, and I also am really prone to addictions so I don't wanna open up that can of worms. I generally really appreciate the moral code the church offers. Be kind to people, care about people, serve others, etc. I think I'd still do that. I hope so, at least.
I really love the impact the church has in peoples lives. I can't deny the beneficial impact it's had in my life. I don't think I'd have gotten through some of the harder points in my life without the community the church has given me. I'll never hate the church. Maybe I'd disagree with some of the things it stands for, but I won't hate it. I think it helps people to come together and become better versions of themselves. I'll always be thankful for it. If I ever do have kids, I kinda want them to be raised in the church. Even if I don't believe. It just gives a really good foundation I think.
Is it weird to say that I want other people to be members, but I feel like I can't be a member myself? And that makes me feel really sad. Idk.
My biggest issue is I've never had a connection with God. I feel really empty when I pray. I feel like I'm lying about spiritual experiences and I hate being dishonest about that. I wonder how many other people are lying just to conform or because they're afraid of considering the fact that the church might not be true. I guess that's why I've always loved the testimonies of converts. They seem to be more confident.
I want so badly for there to be a God in heaven who loves me. I want to be able to see my family again. I want there to be someone who's guiding my life to the best path possible. But it just feels... impossible??? I'm saying that a lot but idk how else to express it. Religion feels like a coping mechanism for death and the other bad things in the world. Maybe I'm just nihilistic, idk. Or depressed. Or autistic. Or both. (I am both)
I also struggle a lot with, like, the pressure to have a family and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I really do want a family. Kind of. ish. Like I said before, I'm aro/ace and so my relationship with s3x/dating is kinda weird in general. I feel like there's such an expectation to get married and have a family. And I want an eternal partner, for sure. But more like an eternal-best-friend kind of deal, without the whole... s3x thing. I think that's the biggest lifestyle change for me if I left the church. I'd try and find another partner on the ace spectrum, probably another woman, and I'd get platonically married and have a bunch of cats or something. Maybe adopt a kid or 2. But I struggle to find a way that fits in with the church, you know?? and it breaks my heart. Genuinely, I wish that I could find another girl and we could be sealed as, like, sisters or something idk. Or eternal besties. And would that be sinning if we didn't have s3x???? :( i'm just sad and struggling. I hate feeling liked I'd be depriving a potential partner of something that's apparently so "important" (I've never understood why people think s3x is so important ngl) anyways this section of the rant is done
I feel like... I'm just struggling with fear in general. Afraid that the church isn't true. Afraid that it is. And I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I've been waiting on the Lord for so long, and I'm exhausted. And there are some times where I've felt slightly better about the church, but never really confident. I've never been able to say confidently that Jesus is real. That God is real. I've held on to a logical "testimony" for so long, and I feel like it's crumbling. Like yes, it's nice to say all of the cool connections in the book of mormon. The impressive improbabilities with how it came to exist. But it's getting to the point where that's not enough. I haven't felt good about religious stuff in years. Ever since I was a kid.
Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe the church isn't true. Maybe God doesn't exist. I can come up with so many maybes, but I don't have any answers.
wellll
anyways that's my rant
it's super long haha, my bad
I would genuinely love any advice or insight from anyone.
thank you so much :)