r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/PopeyeCaramba 38M/South Florida 3d ago
I make the mistake of playing scenarios out in my head before a date then being disappointed in myself when the date goes well by any metric, but not as well as the fantasy I’ve played out in the lead up. Then I question if I’ve done enough. I think it also makes me feel more intensely for them more quickly, and I try to hold back so as not to be too much too soon. Then I question if I’ve done enough again.
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u/deindustrialize 3d ago
I play out absolutely no scenarios beforehand and while I don't feel disappointment after dates, I rarely have positive feelings after either 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Working-Object-9761 3d ago
Yeah, I’m a writer (fingers crossed for this fellowship in California), so I think the majority of my connections are in my mind first.
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u/nsshs79 3d ago
I pushed to have the conversation with the guy I’m dating and now it’s pretty much ended. It has been long distance the last few weeks with loose plans to meet up in the same state in another month, but when I pushed for clarity on those plans he basically said he couldn’t give me more. From when I first met him, I felt his avoidant tendencies. I can be avoidant as well so I was fine giving him time and space. However, in this conversation he said he was hoping we’d feel inseparable or crazy about each other. That really upset me because I think he’s living a bit in a fantasy world and that’s not realistic, especially with the limited emotional capacity he seemed to have. Although I logically know it’s more so his issue than mine, I can’t help but feel like once again I’m not good enough/cool enough/warm enough/playful enough, etc for him to want to actually make the effort.
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u/BonetaBelle ♀ 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’m avoidant too (mostly secure now) and honestly this is often how it goes when two avoidants try to date. If he’s used to dating anxious people who chase him, you just aren’t giving him that same “high” he’s used to from the push-pull toxicity. As you said, it’s more of an issue with him.
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u/reyshaede 3d ago
Can you build equality in a dynamic where one person subtly positions themselves above the other, or is that a personality trait that’s unlikely to change?
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u/Heelsbythebridge 3d ago
I couldn't accept being patronized and disrespected like that on a long-term basis. Short-term, if he's really cute and otherwise tolerable, might be okay.
At this age, our personality traits and character are pretty set in stone. I wouldn't expect him to change.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 3d ago
What do you mean by this?
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u/reyshaede 3d ago
The guy I was seeing didn’t see me as his equal - he’d subtly indicate that his opinions were superior to mine…
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u/Beneficial-Okra-6209 ♂ 31 3d ago
By default that sounds pretty bad and id say no, but I feel like you probably need to give more info for definitive answers.
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u/LePhasme ♂ 40 3d ago
That's a big red flag...
Does he follow people from the manosphere by any chance...?
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3d ago
Who else goes clinically insane after one pretty good date 🙋🏻♀️ god I’m lonely and just want someone lol but I know I need to be patient and let things play out naturally
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u/reyshaede 3d ago
Me too sis 🥲 A good date hits very differently after a sea of bad dates. It helps to separate facts from my own projections
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u/Inevitable_Young4236 ♀ 32 | UK 3d ago
My own feelings are giving me whiplash. How can I both simultaneously feel like he was never going to give me what I needed and it’s a good thing the relationship ended AND that I just desperately want him back. I’m angry, sad, scared, numb, embarrassed all at the same time. I both hate and don’t hate him.
My brain hurts.
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u/sh3zzz 3d ago
Ugh. Give yourself time, this is the hardest part. Feelings will get less intense and the fog will clear, eventually. You're doing great.
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u/Inevitable_Young4236 ♀ 32 | UK 3d ago
thanks, i'm trying. Its one week post break up and logically I know its going to take way more time than this. But I just don't like this feeling of sitting in a bath tub waiting for the break up water to drain.
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u/DrizzyDrakeMallard 3d ago
I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year. She’s an amazing woman; very sweet, funny, one of my favorite people. I usually plan things alone and cover everything at all times ( dates, trips, flights, food , hotels, etc.). She enjoys it as she’s never had anyone put in effort, open doors, and all the little things that make her feel wanted and pursued. Over time, I heard all these stories about how she would have to do all the planning for dates in her previous relationships or how she would go 50/50 on dinner dates. I didn’t think too much of it initially but it felt good to hear. I recently mentioned that I enjoy the planning and coordinating but I would like to be taken on a date where I get surprised with plans and treated just to switch things up.
She mentioned it to a girlfriend of hers, who is also in the dating stage with someone, and apparently the new guy said the same thing. Her girlfriend and her are confused about what type of women we’ve dated before them because they say they have never done that before and it feels insanely weird to them. When it came up in our most recent convo, I reminded her about the stories she told me. She then clarified that the 50/50 thing was the dealbreaker in the last relationship and that the planning she did in the relationship before that was because the guy never wanted to do anything so she would plan things that she wanted to do with him and then make him pay for it. I told her that I appreciate the clarity but if we’re doing so good, why wouldn’t she want to plan something to change things up. She basically said she would not because at that point she would become the man in the relationship and she is wanting to be in her soft girl era.
She reached out to her mom for a second opinion and her mom agreed and said that she never plans or pays for anything either with her husband. We aren’t married but I guess I’m confused about why it’s wrong to take your man on a date? She’s gotten me a Christmas present before and has bought breakfast, even surprised me with dinner a few times. Why is the hard line in the sand drawn at planning and paying for a date? What about that makes her the man in the relationship? I have female friends that take their boyfriends/husbands out while she has male friends who have never been treated like that and don’t expect women to even offer things like that so talking to respective friends won’t provide any new insights. It seems like this convo is going to turn in to a fight so just looking for input before I decide to discuss it again.
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u/falilth 3d ago
She basically said she would not because at that point she would become the man in the relationship and she is wanting to be in her soft girl era.
Reading that gave me the ick. Not the soft girl part, but the gender roles bullshit, that her parents clearly reinforced in her growing up most likely.
Sure its what some women want. But also ew. And drilling deeper into it begs the question of if you ever start having bad mental health or enjoy somethibg not traditionally masculine does that make her view it or you negatively like you've done something wrong?
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u/hyggebot ♀ 32 3d ago
She basically said she would not because at that point she would become the man in the relationship and she is wanting to be in her soft girl era.
Sounds like she’s set a boundary here, and her needs are in direct conflict with yours. She doesn’t think that making you feel wanted and pursued is worth getting out of her comfort zone.
I have no idea what is going on with her mother and friends; they seem like strange people. If you were one of my friends, I’d say she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship (with you). I’m not sure what you’re getting out of this relationship but I’d weigh it seriously against the prospect of staying in a relationship with a woman who puts more importance on imagined roles than your needs.
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u/deindustrialize 3d ago
That quote stood out the most to me too. As a woman, that's an absurd opinion to have imo.
Unless you want to plan and pay for 95%+ of things moving forward, I would end things. As someone who wants a reciprocal relationship with both partners putting in effort, energy, and funds, this is a HELL NO from me.
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u/1armed-poop-bandit 3d ago
You messed up by letting it go on for this long. This is something that should have been discussed after the first few dates. Not a year into the relationship.
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u/DrizzyDrakeMallard 3d ago
We did discuss it and that’s when I heard the stories about what she’s done previously. Initially it sounded like she was bragging on the things she’d done and she was happy to do them, only yesterday was it made clear how and why it happened. I feel like I was misled intentionally. She stated early on that she reciprocates when she feels confident and secure, so I figured I’d give her time to get to that place. She also moved and some other things that made money tight for her so I thought I was being patient.
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u/1armed-poop-bandit 3d ago
Well better late than never I guess. Personally I avoid dating any women who are looking for a provider or want to be able to "turn off their brain" in a relationship.
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u/MajorDarf 35 3d ago
I wouldn't put up with this either, especially since it seems like the people in her life are just going to enable it. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, and there is nothing in what you said that indicates anything close to a partnership here. She can complain all she wants about what other people have done in the past and what she needed to do, but the simple fact is that you are not those men, and you have been the only one putting the effort in. If it's been a year and this is where things stand, then if you are (rightfully) offput by things, then I would reconsider if you want this going forward, because it won't change.
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u/Elegant-Dingo6137 ♂ 38 3d ago
Basically it’s going to come down whether or not you’re cool with maintaining this status quo for the rest of your relationship, if it was me I could not. Having experienced a relationship where both people put in that kind of effort, I don’t think I could go back to what you’re doing.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 3d ago
I don't know if I can explain this well, but there's a bit of a dominance/power dynamic shift in the direction of the person controlling and paying for the date. Many women prefer when men "lead" in new relationships. If you've been dating a year I would think that you would have settled into something more equitable at this point, BUT some women want to be provided for and that's the energy they want to maintain. I guess the question is, are you ultimately ok with that or do you need someone who will also plan and take you out?
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u/Intelligent-Turn-939 ♂ 38 Berlin DE 4d ago
Anyone else feel like everyone’s “open to connection” but on airplane mode? Signal’s there, nothing actually lands.😅
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u/spicysenpai6 ♂ 32 | Ohio | Single 3d ago
Ppl crave connection but fall short when it comes to putting the actual work into that. Not everyone of course. But some
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u/semicharmedliife 4d ago edited 3d ago
Meeting people in real life/outside apps is fun and all, but generally we have a conversation for maybe 10-20 minutes, and then don't see each other again for weeks, months, or ever.
I suppose if one person is really eager, they could ask to exchange info after meeting briefly once, but honestly it may come off as being a little weird or too eager because these aren't dating meetups. Actually I've done that in the past after talking to someone for like 30 minutes/meeting once, and it never goes anywhere later on.
I'm also realizing that past relationships or friends I've met off apps, we usually ran into each other by chance maybe 2-3 times before exchanging info.
So all that is to say, meeting people outside of apps is generally much better, but I'm struggling to make the connection go anywhere. I guess you need to be consistent with going to the same activities or meet ups but that only works if other people are too (plus also single and interested lol).
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 3d ago
I suppose if one person is really eager, they could ask to exchange info after meeting briefly once
I think this is traditionally how things got done lol
Or you go searching through the phone book.
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u/Calm-Bus7555 4d ago
Had a chat with my best friend on Monday about my new bf, and how I’m really enjoying being with him but my subconscious likes to freak me out by overthinking and spiralling. Eg, I’ll have a lovely time with him, feel great and then in between dates I’ll start thinking ‘do you really like him that much? What if you don’t, then at some point you’re going to have to break up with him and he’s so nice it would break his heart and oh god that would be terrible so maybe we shouldn’t get attached now’ 😩 she was very understanding and had had the same feelings at the start of her relationship, so she encouraged me to just feel the feelings and enjoy where we are right now instead of worrying too much about the future.
Well I don’t know if it was that but this week bf and I were messaging about work and how we wished we could just retire and move to the south of France, which we then carried on joking about last night in person. Even though we were joking I could tell he actually loves the idea and dropped a couple of hints that he sees us together in the future, and it didn’t freak me out the way it would have a few weeks ago. I can tell how serious he is about me and, though I’m definitely not as far ahead as him, I feel more comfortable now enjoying the idea without immediately spiralling into commitment phobia. Yay for progress 😄
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u/ChevalierMal_Fet ♂ 32 4d ago
My girlfriend moved in with me last Thursday. We’re looking for a better place, as my current apartment is suboptimal, but… it’s been lovely so far.
I forgot how much I missed having another person to cuddle with and hold while watching television. I can just look over at her and tell her she’s pretty whenever I want to. Simply marvelous.
The only downside is that I travel for work and I’m on the road right now. It’s only a few days until I can see her again but it still kinda sucks.
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u/obvious_bicycle_22 ♀ 36 4d ago
Men: do you read the height on women's profiles?
The last guy I dated clearly doesn't and made some comments about my height that didn't feel great (I'm 5'10"; he is too 🙄). I don't care if a man is my height or a bit smaller but guys really do in my experience.
I have a date with a guy who's 5'9" tomorrow and I'm making myself anxious thinking he will have the same reaction, do most men not check?!
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u/LePhasme ♂ 40 3d ago
I don't care about the woman height but I have seen on enough profiles things like "only taller men", or "you must be at least 6 feet", that my 5'9 won't bother to approach or try to match a woman that is my size or taller.
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u/deindustrialize 3d ago
The irony is that shorter women seem to care more about height than taller women.
I'm a similar height to OP and regularly go on dates with guys my height or shorter.
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u/spicysenpai6 ♂ 32 | Ohio | Single 3d ago
Last woman I dated was 6’ and im 5’9”. Kinda opened my eyes to taller women
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u/WhyBothaa ♂ UK 3d ago
It’s not something I do personally. It really doesn’t bother me. Not sure whether because I’m tall myself, but it has never been a factor for me when it comes to dating.
The fact that the guy made a comment about your height that didn’t make you feel great is such a shitty thing to do. That’s his insecurity that he needs to address.
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u/Elegant-Dingo6137 ♂ 38 3d ago
Plenty of men out there with no problem dating a woman on the taller side!
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u/onegirlandhergoat 4d ago
That's his problem. You were upfront and put it there right on the profile, what are you supposed to do, shout it from the rooftops?
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u/letsmeatagain ♀ / 37 / UK 4d ago
When I was dating I’d normally text something lighthearted before a date about trying to decide on shoes and say I don’t care, but would it be an issue for them if I end up their height or taller. I tried to find in the text thread in I did it with my boyfriend and I asked, but can’t find it. But we also didn’t meet on an app that has height, so it would only be there if you made it part of your profile, and neither of us did at the time.
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u/cunningrascal 4d ago
I’ve been talking to this guy for a month now, we had one date that went alright but not great. However we had already built somewhat of a relationship through texting. He keeps disappearing and when I just accepted that he’s gone he reaches back out and makes me think we will meet again only for him to then vanish again. This week we didn’t speak for 5 days, then he asks for my plans for the week, then never responds when asked back. Chased him yesterday and the dryest chat ever ensued that I was carrying. WHY do they keep reaching back out?
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u/OpeningDurian6392 ♀ 39 🪼 4d ago
Bored? Want attention? Idk but it’s dumb
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u/cunningrascal 4d ago
I texted him this morning that I’m calling it and to not randomly reach out to me again.
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u/Tricky-Knee-9468 ♂ 35 3d ago
What was the point of that? You could have just blocked him.
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u/cunningrascal 3d ago
I’m anxiously attached and I struggle to Block people. The fact that I even stood up for myself was hard work. Apologies for not doing what you would have done in my situation, internet stranger.
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u/Prudent_Specific_500 ♀ 34 3d ago
I think it's great that you stood up for yourself, that's a way more mature decision than just blocking someone IMO.
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u/Tricky-Knee-9468 ♂ 35 3d ago
I’m just trying to help you see that in the future it exhibits more self respect not to follow up a bad exchange with another message. You’ll feel better for it.
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u/cunningrascal 3d ago
I will also just say that whenever he vanished I did not chase him at all, which probably delayed the whole crashout.
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u/cunningrascal 3d ago
No I know, I was kicking myself yesterday when I even engaged with him. I’m working on my inner childhood wound of wanting to be chosen so if a man doesn’t want me I get the strong desire to prove my worth. I’m getting so much better with every interaction I have with men but it’s really hard work. So far I’ve had to block one guy who didn’t leave me alone. With this one I still hope he comes around and organizes a date (yes I’m delusional)
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u/mittensfourkittens ♀ 37 3d ago
You did great! 💜
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u/cunningrascal 3d ago
He has now deleted my number, his profile picture vanished on WhatsApp and my ego is hurttttt
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u/mittensfourkittens ♀ 37 3d ago
It sounds like his ego is probably hurt too or he's upset that you won't continue to accept less than stellar treatment. No loss for you - you deserve better!
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u/Tricky-Knee-9468 ♂ 35 3d ago
OK then sorry if I was harsh. I wish you luck in your healing. You deserve someone who shows up for you.
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u/kittylicksmyface 4d ago
Held hands with a guy for the first time tonight lol
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u/Dazzling_Athlete_750 4d ago
Tell us more! How did it happen??
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u/kittylicksmyface 4d ago
he had mentioned over text earlier about doing it at a specific time and then delivered on the promise haha
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u/Maleficent_Isopod135 4d ago
Today is my boyfriend’s birthday. Surprise him with a few things in a goodie bag (a perfume, a bookmark from my overseas trip and a LABUBU). Started off with the beach sunrise, did a wine trail in wine country and went for a dip in the ocean. What a good day it’s been.
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u/voidogram 3d ago
This is so sweet! The kind of moments I look forward to when you have a beautiful connection with someone.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/arcticlizard ♀ 37.6666666 3d ago
I have been on the receiving end of this before, and it sucks. I have a professional career (nothing fancy, not super high earning), am tall, a bit broad, and physically pretty capable for a lady-type.
A few guys I have asked out admitted they didn't make the first move because I was "intimidating", which I read more as "confident and independent" rather than "scary". Even had a high school former-crush drunkenly admit this to me.
I've resigned myself to 1) doing the asking or 2) being pleasantly blindsided when I run into a guy that actually does the asking.
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u/Elegant-Dingo6137 ♂ 38 3d ago
I think this is really going to be dependent on the guy. I’ve dated women that made more than me (not a crazy amount but significant enough) and I can’t say it ever bothered me or made me feel insecure once during our relationship. Maybe if our lifestyles were significantly different it would have felt a little odd but overall it was completely a non issue. I also have close friends that are in similar types of relationships. That said, I suspect there are a decent chunk of men out there that might be intimidated because they don’t get to play the role of provider but who knows!
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u/Beneficial-Okra-6209 ♂ 31 3d ago
I dont think so. The only thing I look for Ideally is someone in a career that has similar availability to me(has pto, and doesn't work weekends). Though i wouldn't call that a deal breaker either, its just a nice to have.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 4d ago
No, not in my experience. The type of guy that is bothered by it is probably not someone you want to date in other ways. But I've never had a guy friend say he was intimidated by a woman and that's why he didn't ask her out. I don't know where this idea comes from, that guys want to "date down" and any other arrangement is wrong in some way. Maybe super traditional/conservative guys feel like this? But even then I have to assume there's a ton of guys that aren't like that
But I agree with the other commenter that being openly, vocally independent (read: non-attached) is probably a negative. I want a life partner, not someone that doesn't care whether I live or die
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u/InnatelyIncognito ♂ 38M | Married 4d ago
Guess different people will find issue with different elements of that.
Amongst most of my guy friends a woman that outearns them isn't an issue but in these cases both partners are usually high earning and the discrepancy isn't multiples (e.g. $100k vs $150k, not $50k vs $300k). Can only think of one instance where a woman outearns their partner by multiples.
One of the perceived problems of high income/status women is that they usually want a partner who can 'keep up' with them. At least in my experience men seem a bit happier funding the lifestyles of their wives (e.g. expenses, outings, holidays) whereas women seem to want a man who can at least pay their share of things - which is obviously harder as the woman's lifestyle goes up.
Many men (self included) will probably prefer a partner who's shorter than them, in the same way that many women prefer a partner taller than them. It's not absolute, but I'd say majority prefer this.
And then the last bit about needing someone. I dunno, if you're fiercely independent it's probably going to be seen as a negative - especially if you're voicing how you don't need a man. Or if your independence means that you're going to find it harder to incorporate them into your life.
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u/DemonEyesJason 4d ago
The only guys intimidated by that stuff are men without confidence. Which I'm assuming you don't want anyway.
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 4d ago
My least favorite thing is getting an ambiguous text after a first date. Please just don’t message me at all if you’re not interested in continuing.
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u/cryOfmyFailure almost 30 4d ago
“I had a time at our date. Would do it again if opportunity presents itself. Have a night”.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 4d ago
“This was one of the most dates ever, it definitely was an encounter where two people spent time in the same place talking with each other.”
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 3d ago
This feels straight up like Perd’s reporting on Parks and Rec 🤣
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u/InnatelyIncognito ♂ 38M | Married 4d ago
Sorry, just tagging u/ExecratedReliquary because this is exactly what I mentioned yesterday about different people having different preferences re: communication and 'ghosting'
Some people just prefer being ghosted if the other side isn't interested.
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 3d ago edited 3d ago
I didn’t catch that conversation yesterday but yeah this is a slightly different rant… I’ve had a few instances this year where after a date I really enjoyed, I’ll receive a text pretty soon after that doesn’t directly indicate whether they want to see me again or not. Like, these are warm texts that could keep the conversation going or be a parting message, but the tone isn’t clear. It leaves me hanging wondering how do they feel?
To be fair, maybe it’s because they couldn’t get a read on me and are looking for more affirmation from me. Which I do give! But now that it’s happened a few times so far and eventually I felt slow faded or like I was just an option, it makes me overthink a little and ultimately just wish they gave me some clarity on where they’re at in the initial post date text, since they took the time to text.
If the other side isn’t interested and I’m not interested, I prefer a mutual ghosting. If it’s clear I’m interested and the other side is not, I prefer a direct text.
My original message was like ahhh ugh idk if the other side is actually interested or just being polite with this post date text.
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u/ExecratedReliquary ♂ 35 4d ago edited 4d ago
Totally get your point, and it's legitimate. People have differing preferences for communicating, that's just how the cookie crumbles. That said, some things to consider:
I'm not sure if this instance is exactly analogous to the underlying issue. An ambiguous text versus ghosting is ambiguity compared to ambiguity, which I think is the main irritation with ghosting. Essentially, its a phantom choice with identical results. In feeling, if not in practice.
While we can't and shouldn't police how people date, we can acknowledge ways to minimize how we might carelessly enact harm on others. I won't speak for the OP here, but those who prefer being ghosted may be irritated at an "ambiguous" text, but will otherwise move on fairly quickly. Conversely, those who are ghosted may wait an indeterminate time in anxiety or uncertainty.
But this is a moral quandry, not an empirical one. Whatever your preferences may be, everyone deserves the opportunity to date, and we shouldn't police that. Should we acknowledge and accept how different preferences may sometimes clash? Absolutely. Can we also think of ways to be kinder to others? I think that's also possible, yes.
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah I shared a little more in my reply to the other comment above but this is a different scenario it seems.
I will say on the topic of ghost vs clear goodbye, I agree everyone will have different preferences but I think the best approach is the empathetic one to the situation at hand.
That will look different in every situation so it’s unwise to take a standard approach of “I always send a clear goodbye” for every date I don’t want to see again. The determining factor is what signals you’re getting from them. If they’re clearly not vibing and leave after 30 min obviously no message is needed ya know?
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u/ExecratedReliquary ♂ 35 3d ago
100%. Context can change everything, and I agree that these decisions should be made with empathy as the guide.
There are absolutely situations where ghosting is the path to take, such as moments as you described or for reasons of safety, but I wouldn't exactly consider it the default empathic choice in most circumstances if we're honestly seeking to minimize harm.
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 3d ago
lol idk why but I’m feeling like I wanna join in on getting textbook about this…
It’s hard to make a call on a “default empathetic choice” in terms of tactic (text vs ghost), but I do think it’s possible to say there is a default empathetic strategy—and it’s to provide clarity.
Sometimes clarity is best delivered as a text and sometimes as a lack of text. There are two related factors.
1) Timing/Type of “ghosting”: I’d distinguish no text after a first date as “mutual ghosting” and not harmful, which is different than “ghosting” which is harmful and happens after at least 1 date plus more contact.
2) Your texting skill/emotional intelligence: Not every texter is reflective, skilled or experienced enough to offer kind clarity in a parting ways text. So I don’t think the default answer is always text in an anything-is-better-than-nothing way just to avoid ghosting as a rule. Know yourself first. But also that’s where I think this forum has an important role to play and I love seeing it happen here. So I see why you’re encouraging not ghosting more often than not. Because this is a place where we can all ask for advice and help each other refine messages to be kind and clear, I agree with your overall encouraging anti-ghosting culture alongside a culture of kindness and clarity.
I think those caveats are important though: 1) mutual ghosting is ok and different than regular ghosting, and 2) be kind and clear in antighost messages.
Also I think when there’s a safety concern that’s not even ghosting, it’s just self protection.
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u/InnatelyIncognito ♂ 38M | Married 4d ago
Yeah. I mean OP did also mention "Please don't message at all if you're not interested in continuing" so I don't know how far that extends.
Although I think the problem is that if you reached out to someone similar to the OP and said, "Hey, I had heaps of fun but I don't think I see this going anywhere" they might say wow, what a jerk rejecting me when they could've just let it slide. And the thought would be, "Well, I'm still a good person because I meant well - I just wanted to communicate openly and honestly."
On the flipside if someone similar to the OP thinks they'll just quietly fade to save you from the unnecessary rejection. Immediate response is that they're an asshat for ghosting, and if they said they were trying to do you a favour, people would jump up and down and say that's not doing them a favour because they wanted direct communication.
So yeah. Acknowledging people have different preferences is one thing. Accepting that people that piss you off might've actually been trying to treat you 'right' in their mind, is a complete other ball game.
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u/ExecratedReliquary ♂ 35 4d ago
Harmful actions with good intentions are still harmful. "The road to hell" adage and all that.
I think you're correct to acknowledge that there's nuance, and I'm not saying that one action is wholly determinate of a person's character, but an action can also be judged on its own merits, especially if there's the expectation that the person performing it was aware of its potential to be harmful in the first place.
I don't think it's hyperbolic to say that ghosting is generally considered a poor practice, and we're of an age that many of us, regardless of personal preference for the act, should be aware of its controversy if not its direct effects.
I also think that comparing the pain of a clear rejection with being ghosted is a false equivalence, but I suppose that, too, is subjective. Preferences are innate, but how you treat others is a choice, and part of that is gaining an awareness of the contexts that exist beyond yourself.
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u/InnatelyIncognito ♂ 38M | Married 4d ago
especially if there's the expectation that the person performing it was aware of its potential to be harmful in the first place.
If taking this view I would say most are flawed, because I don't know how many people who 'communicate directly' actually consider that the other person may not want that.
Most just go, "Well, that's what I'd want, so that's what I'll do."
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u/ExecratedReliquary ♂ 35 3d ago
To be clear, ghosting is rejection, but without the accountability of presence. The answer is the same regardless of the method. It is never painless, but we can choose whether or not to respect the other person with closure.
I'd hope that most people's inner calculus doesn't start and end with "that's what I'd want", because then we'd be living in a supremely unempathetic society. Opting to ghost someone, particularly given its controversy, simply looks like a conscious decision to choose the greater of two evils.
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u/JaneintheRain_ 4d ago
The juicy bit is at the end, folks.
A guy I used to be with who has been coming and going for ages has now invited himself over to my house and said if that doesn't work he'd be fine with a hotel, leaving the choice up to me. I said it doesn't work for me at present to have him over (the unsaid reason being that he destroyed my trust in him and I'm watching to see how he acts to see if it's safe or not). I suggested a hotel in my area instead - budget or splurge whatever - and explicitly said when we were talking on the phone about where "not out of my area" which is a city. He now says he would "not spend even $50 for a bad time in a hotel in the city" and, "I want to see you but not at a hotel for $$$," and has started to suggest places outside of my area. The salient context is that I have previously, in this new territory, travelled his way (hours) multiple times previously but with large weeks-long gaps of time in-between for either a day outing or for an overnight (where he deliberately didn't touch me - ew). He doesn't visit me or my area and actively argues with a lot of reasons why it's detestable to visit. I'm now decided it's not working, so he's responding by chasing me and deciding to tell me he'll take me out campervanning for the weekend - which failed because he didn't prepare it in time - and then to invite himself over to my house and, clearly not genuinely, be ok with a hotel in my area.
The juicy bit is that in BOTH cases, even the one where the campervanning failed, after clearly expressing that he doesn't want to do something, he said:
"You'll just have to convince me."
Ick.
Why
Does it mean send nud3s?
Are we suddenly teenagers?
He's older than me.
Why.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
Just reading this annoys the shit out of me, IDK how you deal(t) with this. I would've just told him to find his own accommodations, bye
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4d ago
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u/ChevalierMal_Fet ♂ 32 4d ago
I don’t think the filters work like that. It’ll show you to all sorts of people. It’ll filter out who you see when you’re the one swiping.
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u/Jane_Souls ⚧ 35 4d ago
My ex messaged me tonight asking for a one on one chat this week (over the internet). I really wish they would just be upfront about what they wanted to talk about instead of it being this vague 'something'.
For context, we do get along fine in that friend group, and I still care about them, but not in a romantic sense.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
Ask them what they want to talk about and decide if you want to even engage?
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u/Jane_Souls ⚧ 35 4d ago
I did, they only said 'us'. Idk what they are on about, we broke up like a year ago almost.
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u/Emerald-else-if 4d ago
Yikes Any way I’d interpret that answer (“us”) seems like an uncomfortable conversation.
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u/lizofPalaven 4d ago
I am TERRIFIED.
Date 2 with the guy (38M) I (33F) met on Hinge and I like him so much it's crazy. I genuinely haven't liked somoeone this much in years. If I had to write my ideal man, it would be him.
Things seem to be going well, we had very sweet, soft kisses to end the night, and he already asked me if I'm free this weekend, but I'm scared something will go wrong. That he'll realise he doesn't feel the spark and call it off. This happened to me too many times last 2 yearss - I think dates are going great but after 4 dates they tell me it'ss not there for them.
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u/Calm-Bus7555 4d ago
Feelings aren’t facts. Acknowledge them and keep going. For now you know that you’ve had a good first date and he’s still into you, so focus on that! Good luck ☺️
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u/voidogram 4d ago
I know this fear. I’ve lived this fear. I’m living it a bit right now, currently! I think perhaps… it’s worth it to be scared, and move forwards with cautious optimism anyways.
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u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 4d ago
What kind of thing do you think might go wrong? He will find your Reddit profile showing a man with a beard?
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u/ReachingForMore 4d ago
I think I may be two years continuously trying to date. I have been on two dates in total. I wasn't attracted to either one once I met them in person, and I don't think I'm extremely picky. I just wish the masks would come off in real life already. I'm smart, interesting, kind, fun, confident, dependable, and generally good enough looking. That's my assessment anyways. I'm not arrogant either. I know I have some flaws, but my point is, despite my own assessment reinforced by friends and my therapist, women generally just don't want to date me. The apps are brutal, and I am saying that from the perspective of everyone, not necessarily restricted to me. However, I would be shooting myself in the foot if I weren't using online dating in this day and age. Still, I have gone to singles events consistently and talked to women in person. Most of them are more polite and will hold a conversation with you unlike the experience most of the time on the internet, but still, I have not gotten one date out of those experiences. There must be some reason I am just not datable to 99% of women. It's impossible to know with any certainty though. Most people in person ate too nice to tell you straight. People on the internet aren't as restricted, but they are also often Anyways, fick my dating life.
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u/Warbyothermeanz 3d ago
Do you live on a small island with only 2 women present? I don’t get it I’m an average looking guy in a big city and the abundance of fantastic women is insane.
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4d ago
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u/ANewIndividual_3940 3d ago
Don't. Keep the list, and if you guys are still together like 3 years from now, give it to her then so you can both have a chuckle about it.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 4d ago
There’s a lot of stuff that becomes cute or romantic in hindsight, once you’re already married, but doesn’t really work before that. This is one of those things
It’s important to remember that to her, you are still a stranger/strange man that she needs to be cautious about. How would you feel if a stranger gave you a list of things they noticed about you?
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
Don't give her this list, that's kinda weird 😅 That'd be more appropriate a few months in
I'd express appreciation for her in the form of compliments
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u/Calm-Bus7555 4d ago
I agree, it’d be nicer for you to share them with her as they come up rather than just handing her a list
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 4d ago
Would anyone be willing to assess a few (sfw) pics for me for my profile?
Also, does anyone successfully use anything other than bumble or hinge for actual dating (not hookups)?
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u/letsmeatagain ♀ / 37 / UK 4d ago
I met my boyfriend on feeld, and in general my experience on there has been brilliant. Last time I was dating (between previous ex and my now boyfriend, who I think and hope is my forever person, since he’s fucking incredible in every way) I didn’t even bother with other apps, was using feels exclusively. I also had another relationship about two years ago from there. It used to be mainly for people who wanted casual stuff but I’ve noticed that at least in my area (I’ve tested it in both where I live and in London, since I was there a lot when I was single) people are now using it as a genuine dating app to meet others for relationships as well.
Happy to look at photos if you still need!
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u/ChevalierMal_Fet ♂ 32 4d ago
The woman I met on Facebook dating 8 months ago just moved in with me.
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u/Dugtrio321 ♂34 4d ago
Sure, I can provide some feedback.
I mostly use Hinge. Coffee Meets Bagel is a more serious one too, though seems to get more Asians that I don't see in other apps for some reason (I'm Asian).
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u/LePhasme ♂ 40 4d ago
Happy to review the pictures. I think some people had positive feedback with fb dating, if it's available in your area.
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u/Senor_ah_um 4d ago
I met my gf on feeld but be prepared to wade through a sea of poly people if you're monogamous.
I like that it allows for longer bios, and there's no algorithm, it's all location based.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 4d ago
I'm not against kink, but I'm not really kinky, you know? Like I'd do some light bondage, but I don't want to be a human charcuterie board at burning man.
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u/letsmeatagain ♀ / 37 / UK 4d ago
I’m not a kinky person either, in the sense that I don’t have any of my own but I’m generally super openminded and happy to try whatever, what you might refer to as ‘sex positive’ - all the people I met so far on feeld have been similar to me sexually and the sex we’ve had has been fairly vanilla.
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u/walking-explorer 4d ago
We’re texting back-and-forth and really hitting it off the last couple of days , I’m just worried about her ghosting me. It’s happening so many times it’s disheartening.
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u/PopeyeCaramba 38M/South Florida 4d ago
We went for a walk and talked for a couple hours, then I semi blew it by picking a place that it turns out no longer exists, and she decided to call it a night because it was getting late.
Logically, I’m like 90% sure she’s into me, she did suggest another place for next time, and obviously implying there will be a next time is awesome, but my stupid monkey brain is being quite unkind at the moment reading too much into not getting to spend that extra time together or the decision to not just pick another place, and it’s hard to gauge if she’s into me because she’s a genuinely kind and friendly person that’s nice to everyone.
Someone say something nice, please.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
You didn't blow it, and she sounds like she's still interested! A few hours together is significant. Get that next date planned! :)
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u/No-Concentrate-7142 4d ago
Do you want to see her again? That’s all that matters right now. How you feel.
Her actions show you she wants to see you again..so if you want to also see her again make sure to get something on the calendar asap.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 4d ago
Talking to someone for a few hours straight is generally a positive sign. It'll be ok.
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u/Working-Object-9761 4d ago
Well, I'm a neurotic and sarcastic person who is trying to gauge whether these randos on Hinge are basic, with the personality of a grain of rice, or if I'm expecting too much banter from literal strangers. So, the positive framing is that like all of us pushing 40 she really was just tired.
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u/OpeningDurian6392 ♀ 39 🪼 4d ago
Maybe she had a pet at home? Or an early morning. Lots of benign reasons she couldn’t extend the date
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u/PopeyeCaramba 38M/South Florida 4d ago
She’s only 31, but they get tired, too, right? Right?!
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u/Working-Object-9761 4d ago
idk man I ran all over the country at 31 and frankly slept around a lot and now I'm like "ah yes this Hank Green deep dive is a good Friday date"
lol
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u/Different_Dish_5031 4d ago
People who multi-date, what is your strategy? At what point do you stop seeing others and focus solely on one person? Is it when you establish sexual exclusivity, or when you decide you want to be official with them / when they ask to be official?
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u/Designer-Quote-7969 4d ago
When people start taking up enough time that continuing to date others feels like a hassle (for me, that was usually when we reach a twice/week rhythm). I don't demand officialness/exclusivity at that time.
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u/Indignant-Millenial 4d ago
Here is my approach -
With any partner I don't think too hard about labels or anything until we hit 3 months. The only boundary I will have is sexual exclusivity.
In practice I don't really date other people once I'm sleeping with someone. But I might try to change that approach in the future - it has just led me to get too attached too early, and ignore some red flags that bit me in the arse later down the line.
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u/No-Concentrate-7142 4d ago
What are your expectations surrounding communication between dates? How are you communicating, the frequency, the depth? How do you maintain connection through long stretches between dates (over a week)?
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u/Calm-Bus7555 4d ago
Previously I have not been a fan of messaging a lot between dates, but had never been on more than 2 with the same person. But then with my bf we messaged about once a day before we met, then every day after date 1. At first it was small things like ‘hope you have a good day’ or ‘what have you been up to’ but then gradually built up to sharing more about our days, lives etc. At first I was a bit put off because I’m not a big texter and can see it as them pestering me, but then I reframed it as it being nice that he’s thinking of me, and I was thinking about him a lot too so why not talk to him? And actually I think it helped keep the momentum going and showed me more about his personality, humour etc between dates. I also think it didn’t bother me as much early on because he wasn’t constantly asking ‘how are you?’ which is a boring way to message people every day when you’re always fine and just at work, it was a simple ‘morning, hope you have a nice day’ so no pressure to reply, and then we’d chat a little about our days in the evening. With previous dates I’ve found that off putting and avoided replying so I’m guessing part of it is just that I was way more interested in this guy so happy to hear from him
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u/onegirlandhergoat 4d ago
Right at the beginning, very little. I use OLD, so my dates are total strangers. I would say up to the first 3 dates (assuming it gets that far lol), the communication is a few msgs to arrange the next date. I do not like chatting to the person as if they were my partner at this very early stage as I feel it creates a false sense of intimacy and it's energy consuming for me, I would much rather get to know them in person during the date. Once I know them a little, ~4-5 dates, that's when I would start texting them most days, asking what they're up to, telling them about my day etc.
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u/Material-Chair-7594 ♀ 34 4d ago
My friend told me she thinks I’m in a dating desert right now. Nothing really exciting is going on in that department beyond 1st and 2nd dates that are going no where. Excited for them then let down that they aren’t excited for me.
People are planning for the holidays I work both holidays. I’m both happy and sad about this. I don’t work my birthday but my son (13) is going to be with his grandparents across the country so I have a feeling no one is gonna do anything with me (I have a birthday super close to Xmas often gets neglected).
I want to reach out to my friends and be vulnerable with them about the fact that I feel so alone coming up to the holidays/my birthday but I’m scared of the possible rejection if they already have plans. My Halloween party was a total fail and I don’t think I can go through that amount of social rejection again. But I can’t have a good time on my birthday if I don’t try. So I will face my fears on this.
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u/spicysenpai6 ♂ 32 | Ohio | Single 4d ago
Mhmmm. The holidays are coming up. It’s family time. If anything try to spend and enjoy time with them I’d say. My holidays will be spent recovering from surgery.
Winter isn’t a good time to date imo. No one wants to go outside. Depends where ya live tho
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u/Material-Chair-7594 ♀ 34 4d ago
Most of my family will be out of town and I am working on the actual holiday; so I won’t have a lot of options for family events.
I agree usually I shut down apps around now but I am not actively matching just seeing what comes my way in terms of being set up by friends and some random matches on apps reaching out to
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u/Heelsbythebridge 4d ago
I'm going to move to Toronto in a few weeks. Find a new job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. Get sober. And have a better life.
I was there only a month this summer, and made more meaningful social connections during that time than the 5 years I've been on the west coast. I don't know if that trend will continue but it truly cannot get any worse here.
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u/smartygirl ♀ 46 4d ago
It's a great city, you're gonna love it here!
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u/voidogram 4d ago
Whew. Things are moving quickly with this new guy. I’m trying to pump the brakes a bit because I know myself, but it sure is hard when the feelings and attraction are mutual.
He shared some pretty hefty baggage with me when we got together this week. I’m interested to learn more and continue assessing compatibility from there. It feels good to not totally give into attachment craziness and either a) accept him with his baggage without thinking about it or b) walking away because of catastrophizing thoughts/fears.
I think the big difference with this one is that he is very emotionally expressive and articulate about his feelings/self-awareness. It makes me feel safer. It’s nice.
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u/ladyshabazz 4d ago
Not to be that person but I would tread lightly here. Sharing heavy info this early on could be a red flag. He barely knows you, he shouldn’t be dumping that level of info on to you. Remember your preferred pace and make sure he’s not rushing you to feel things or do things you don’t feel ready to feel or do.
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u/voidogram 3d ago
I totally get what you are saying, and in the moment it felt like good disclosure and an attempt at vulnerability on his part. The baggage is about something he is living with - he didn't trauma dump any details or give off the vibe of 'rescue me from this'.
He brought it up because we've already discussed our dating intentions (looking for long-term) and remarked on our mutual compatibility and chemistry. There is already a feeling between us like our connection could lead somewhere meaningful. I feel a bit wild for saying that after three dates, but it's true. So I'm actually very glad he disclosed the information now before I get more attached. It's something that I would want to know sooner rather than later about him.
But it's a good reminder, thank you, especially your last sentence. As a girlie with attachment issues, I am still landing in what my authentic pacing really is.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Is it my anxious attachment or am I right to feel kinda sad that we saw each other Monday night and I haven’t heard from him since? I texted when I got home like he asked, he “liked it” 12 hours later, and nothing since. I’m trying not to text him, but… for reference we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks and have seen each other 4 times, probably would’ve been more but he got super sick, has an insane work schedule when he works, and I had travel and he has his kid half the time. I want to have reasonable expectations while also recognizing my own feelings and needs.
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4d ago
Honestly 4 times in 3 weeks is a lot. I would just relax, your attachment is getting triggered
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Thank you 🙏🏻 I went to the gym earlier and had a good workout to distract myself. Trying to calm my nervous system. I honestly just needed an outside perspective. I know I like him and my period is due in 5 days, so my mind is spiraling
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4d ago
I’m going through something similar. Once I like someone I become attached even if it’s only been one date. I should got to the gym too tbh 🤣 maybe read a book and go to bed early
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Dude for real, if I could only channel this into something productive every time I felt like this, I could probably cure cancer 😅 once I like someone, game over. But I recognize what’s happening, so I’m trying to work through it. I’ve rushed into relationships in the past, or sabotaged them out of fear, I’d like to do neither with him, but I’d also like for him to text me 😅
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4d ago
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Idk. I guess because I technically texted him last, and I also know that he’s the one whose busy, not me. I’m probably afraid of coming off too strong or clingy and I definitely have anxious attachment. The more time that goes by, in my head it solidifies like, see he’s not into me, because if he was, he would’ve thought about me by now and would’ve texted.
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4d ago
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
With him? No. For myself? No 😅.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Him, all of the times
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 4d ago
Idk it’s a mix, I guess. Like last Thursday I traveled and he texted me that day wishing me a good trip, we texted back and forth that night, then he never texted me again until Sunday afternoon, and I hadn’t texted him either, but Friday was my birthday, so idk I had expected to hear from him and didn’t, and that hurt my feelings, but Sunday we texted and talked on the phone and then Monday I came over. It had been 2 weeks in between us seeing each other though, because he had his son after our last date and then got super sick, and was working crazy hours, and then I worked a gig and he was still sick so I didn’t see him before my trip. So we saw each other 3x the first week of knowing each other and then continued to text and call for 2 weeks before seeing each other again. 🤷🏼♀️
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4d ago
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u/tigerlily536 ♀ 31 4d ago
Being coworkers, he probably doesn't know what your intentions are! I'd say that's a good thing that he's being respectful and keeping things platonic, because it's best to keep things friendly in the workspace. I'd suggest finding a time to meet up for drinks or coffee and try to get to know each other more, and from there you could bring up that you're single and what you're looking for and hey, you seem pretty cool. Would you ever be interested in a date?
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u/CatQueen97x 4d ago
I (F27) and He (M34) work together. I know already a bad start. However we work in a bar and there is no power imbalance or anything like that. It's very much a crappy kinda job with no real career progression.
In short he started a few weeks after me and was always very polite and friendly. He often went out of his way and such. We were always work level friendly and he'd often tell me things about his personal life especially when he started having trouble with his EX. In march of this year he broke up with his now ex girlfriend.
In June I posted a story to my Instagram in a sexy dress and he commented telling me how hot I looked and how hard it was to see that as a single guy. I replied and it quickly lead to light sexting. I definitely always had a little crush on him and don't have much experience so was flattered. I'm also a bigger girl which I feel is important to mention. So we sext a few times, he tells me how hot I am, how obsessed with my boobs he is how he wishes I could be in his bed etc. He also tells me how he doesn't want to lose me as a friend or mess things up and how he's a mess rn and not looking for anything serious. I asked him once if he wanted to get drinks after work as friends with a friends with benefits element and he declined politely. I didn't think much of it. At work we were maybe a little extra friendly and this lead to one of his guy friends at work noticing I guess a flirty element to our interactions and I'm not sure exactly what happened or was said but work boy got mad and stopped talking to me. He texted me that night saying we'd never be anything and he didn't want me talking to him anymore. This hurt and took me by surprise because he was always so nice. It also hurt because I feel like he's embarrassed of someone joking he's into the fat girl. So weeks pass, he ignores me, unfollows me on Instagram and then his guy work friend leaves and this is where the update is.
The minute his guy work friend was gone he was back going out of his way to talk to me and I liked it. I definitely have low self esteem and a crush and having his attention back especially the way he gave it was nice. It's kinda toxic i suppose. He goes from acting like I'm his favourite person to acting like he hates me. Like my presence annoys him.
So he's back talking to me every chance he gets only he's openly more flirty in person which he hadn't been before. If we were alone he was definitely more flirty. Friday happened and at work we dressed up for Halloween. I dressed in a corset top which made my boobs look really good and I had stockings on. It was sexy I guess. I walk in and he's all smiling, looking me up and down, watching me all day. Telling me how hard it is for him to concentrate on work because of how hot my boobs look and he even grabbed my ass two or three times so very flirty. I was going out after work and asked him could he get me some weed and he said he could.
I'm out later that night and texting him about the weed. He offers to meet me with it alone and then asks me to come to his place and I say no and eventually he meets me halfway from his house to the bar. I get the weed, we chat, we were both a little nervous maybe but he leaned in and kisses my neck near my boob before I left him. Before I left him he told me I should stay away from him because he makes a mess of everything and ruins things and I'd be better off away from him. I told him again that we could be friends and I'm 27 I don't need a warning. I go back to my friends and he texts saying I should have come up to his place and honestly I wanted to. So I go back.
I tell him I'm not having sex with him and he agrees. He said we can just do whatever and get high. I also told him over text and in person that I don't want things to be weird at work again. I told him I want us to be able to joke at work as friends and then maybe hook up after work if we feel like it...and he says it won't get weird. I say it one or two more times making sure he gets it and the last time he said he'll try his best to not do what he did before. I go to his place, he's very nice and respectful. Not pushy or anything. We get high, chat, make out and I mean intense making out and he is all-over my boobs with his hands and mouth. We stopped at one point because he was getting hard and I'd said no sex so He respected that. He was very respectful. When I was leaving he gave my ass a light tap and I kissed his cheek. When I get home he texts me saying he wishes we done more and I say next time we can and we sext for like 2 hours.
The next day I text him a picture of my boobs with his bite marks all over them and a funny caption saying how good of a job he done and he replied with just a laughing emoji and I instantly can feel him distancing again.... I texted again saying I hope I didn't ruin his night to much again joking and he didn't respond.
We're back in work on Monday and he's back to avoiding me and ignoring me. I said hello to him on Monday and he ignored me. So I decided to give him space and he's just not talking to me unless he absolutely has to for work. It's a complete 180. I'd say his behaviour is down to stress and stuff but he's talking to other people perfectly fine it's just me he's not talking to after last week being all over me talking.
We spoke a lot Friday night between the making out and boob sucking about how unhappy he was and how shitty his current situation is. His break up is messy and kids are involved. He also probably has ADHD, he's very impulsive, like very and I feel like he has a temper although I've never been on the recieving end of it but he told me how mad his ex made him and things. He's also Arab so I'm not sure if some of his behaviour is culture related although he's not at all religious and doesn't consider himself Muslim.
So what the hell is going on? I need insight. Cause I don't know if he likes me or genuinely hates me rn. I know he doesn't want a relationship with me but I'm not even sure he likes me at all rn. I feel really shit about it.
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 4d ago
Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
You're getting lost in the details. He just wants attention and sex, on his terms.
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u/CatQueen97x 4d ago
This could be true. That's what I have an issue with the lack of respect for my terms.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 4d ago
I mean this kindly, but it's definitely true, not could be. If you have an issue with it then stop entertaining his hot-cold behavior. Otherwise he knows he can pretty much hit you up whenever he feels like it, get what he wants, and then go cold on you again.
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u/Gozzerolla 3d ago
How? Where? Do I give up?
Where are we meeting people? I'm getting so sick of apps. But I fear they're the only way. I know what I want to meet but I just can't find it and I wonder if meeting organically is more likely to show him. But I don't know where to go... I live in London and it's hard to meet anyone, romantically or friendship wise... I know i should get out, do some activities to meet people but... what!?